For those who chose not to have children

[Matata]

Neither of us want kids. Neither of us have ever, EVER, felt any kind of paternal or material instinct.

In that case, why the indecision? You said you might regret not having a child and the opposite can also happen. The difference is that there is a completely different impact on your life if you regret a child after you have it.

 

[Calliecake]

@Matata, I believe we are close in age. One of my friends had a very similar experience you had. She knew at a young age that she didn’t want to have children. She saw a few doctors in her late twenties about having a tubal ligation. The doctors she saw refused. She was 4 years older than I was but I remember thinking at the time how ridiculous it was. I certainly hope things are different for woman today. I wanted children and I received some really bizarre comments from a few people over the years. Almost as if I should feel guilty for not having them.

@Sprinkles&Stones , Nothing in life is 100% perfect all the time. You can have an extremely happy life whether you have children or not. Only you and your husband can decide what is right for the two of you. I knew from a young age that I wanted children. I wasn’t able to have them. I went thru fertility treatments. My husband viewed it that if we were able to have children great, if not that was great too. He didn’t want to adopt. I would have adopted in a heartbeat. There are times it still bothers me a little bit but had I not always wanted children I doubt it would bother me at all. I have many nieces and nephews who have children of their own now. I have always had children in my life. That has been really rewarding for me. I also would not have not given up my husband for anything. He is my family.

I just read your above post. Reading what you wrote I wonder why you are even questioning this? Live your life with your husband and be happy. It sounds like the two of you love your life together and don‘t really want children. The women I’ve known who are the happiest with children really really wanted children.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Neither of us want kids. Neither of us have ever, EVER, felt any kind of paternal or material instinct. Neither of us like children now. Neither of us have ever felt any desire to be around children. Both of us are "turned off" by children. I have done my fair share of babysitting and found it horrible. DH has never spent any amount of time with any infant or child.

We have been having almost monthly meetings (LOL) where DH and I sit down and look each other dead in the eye and say "so what are we gonna do". We are long term planners, and have recognized that while we may not want children now, will we change our minds in the next few years?

Well---to me it sounds as if you don't want children but are worried about potential future regrets. What if you have a child and THAT causes regrets?

No matter what you do in life---there are always the roads NOT taken.
Don't spend a lot of time ruminating over what you didn't choose---instead appreciate and enjoy what you have (and that could be child-free or having a child).

 

[pearlsngems]

I never wanted kids, growing up. No interest in getting married, either. Had no interest in other people's kids.

In my mid 30s my biological clock began ticking very loudly! I did not see that coming! Within a few years I'd met my husband and we had our daughter just before I turned 40.

She just turned 26. I love her madly and am so glad we had her!! I'd do it all over again.

But it was hard. All of it. Pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding, medical problems when she was little (both her and me), having no help with child care in the early years, and many, many challenges since.
I'd still do it all again-- BUT I'm very glad we stopped at one child.

And I still have no interest in other people's kids.

Parenthood is so challenging that IMO no one should go into it unless they are sure they want kids.

 

[elizat]

I know, it sounds silly!

But I want to be completely objective and open to other's stories and opinions. I really appreciate everyone's wisdom and experience, since I know that I lack wisdom and experience in this area. Not that a social media platform will change my opinion (it won't) but I feel that I want to be as well informed as I can before I make an emotionally based decision
There are sometimes where I imagine what it would look like if we had a little family, if we did have a child together. But usually those images include a PERFECT child and are all happy. I've seen enough heartbreak to know that nothing and no one will ever be perfect, and I can't make my decision based on a late-night dream of a only happy family.
I really just appreciate everyone's responses and vulnerability, as it helps me see a bigger picture <3

I think the idea of it's never perfect is smart to realize. Nothing is perfect and every relationship is flawed. Even a "perfect" child has issues, as does a partner that is wonderful most of the time. We are all flawed and imperfect, to various degrees.

One thing I asked myself was whether I had the desire or bandwidth to raise a child with genetic or developmental disabilities if it happened. I never had the urge to have a baby or the clock feeling, but I did think about that issue.

My answer was no, that wasn't for me. The fact that I'm risk averse as well and you don't know what you will get helped me to confirm it wasn't for me.

I think it is amazing that there are so many loving parents that care for children, even into their adulthood, that have genetic and/or developmental disabilties and/or other health/mental health problems. I came down on the side of it wasn't something I had in me though. Whether that is right or wrong, I don't know, but that was my answer.

 

[diamondyes]

Not many have mentioned yet the health risks for the mama. Carrying a child and giving birth can have many health effects, big or small. Not to mention body image effects. Mental health effects. Definitely a point to ponder.

These are things I had no clue about until I was on the other side of it.

 

[pearlsngems]

Yup. I developed sacroiliac joint dysfunction 6 months into my pregnancy, and still have it.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I knew from the time I was a pre-teen that I didn't want children and more than 6 decades into this life, I've not had one moment of regret. It was an easy decision for me because I never liked kids and have always preferred being a momma to animals. I read some interesting articles lately about how having children negatively affects a marriage although most parents still say they don't regret having their kids. I think they just regret having to go through childhood. Raising kids is tough and consumes life. I could travel and spend my money and time as I liked without having to worry about providing for a child until it could support itself.

I had a tubal ligation in my 20's to ensure I wouldn't get pregnant. Prior to that procedure, I used to have dreams that I was pregnant and refused to have the baby and that I was in a delivery room having so many babies at one time that the doctor was stacking them up like cords of wood. I took that as a pretty strong omen that motherhood wasn't for me.

I inherited 2 stepsons with my 2nd marriage. They were 7 and 11 and I resented every moment I spent with them which was every weekend. They were noisy, smelly, loud and one had ADHD so bad I thought it would have been a mercy if he hadn't been born. Happy ending though, they grew up to love me in spite of my efforts to get my husband to trade them in and adopt a dog

Thank you for such honesty!

DH and I are childless by choice. I dearly love our various nieces and nephews, and love being around them, and really enjoy others' children—and am so happy when everyone goes home and we are in peace and non-chaos again.

When I was a young woman, one of my clients, a successful physician with kids and grandkids, advised that if she had it all to do again, even though she loved her offspring, she would not have them. That really got my attention and got me to thinking why I might want to have kids. Or not.

Again, as a young woman, another client in the family-care field, advised that just because people have children, it doesn't mean that said children will be there for the parents in their old age. She regaled me with experiences of neglect, and or elders in care homes being abandoned by their adult children. Wow.

I had never experienced that time-clock-ticking urge to have kids, and was almost allergic to babies. LOL! As a young adult, a baby could take one look at me and start wailing. That really put me off. Plus..."spit-up" (be honest, it's vomit), and "poopie" diapers (full-blown, adult-style feces), "cute, precocious" behavior (that's a tantrum) and so on, didn't endear the thought of parenthood to me. I've only changed one "poopie" diaper ( two-year-old my nephew) and wore a charcoal mask to do so. I still gagged.

I never babysat, so that may have colored my experience.

DH and I discussed kids right at the beginning of our relationship and we were on the same page. He's great with babies, no twitchy stomach like me, LOL! These days, I'm fine with babies and they even tolerate me. We've been married 28 years and there are zero regrets at all.

ETA: As a young woman, once I realized I didn't want children, when people used to ask me why not, I used to joke that the only way I'd have kids is to adopt a gorgeous 23-year-old—when I was 40.

Haha! That's a great response to that question!

Interesting discussion. So many different outlooks. I have always been crazy about babies and raising my kids was the most meaningful thing I ever did.

But I also think that the last thing this old world needs is more people and I'm sure there are also many other paths to fulfillment.

I'd guess a lot of people who do regret having kids don't want to say so. They might feel like it's disloyal to their child or worry about being harshly judged for it.

I appreciate all different perspectives, and it's good for me to know that some people do have that desire to have children from an early age!

There are different kinds of happiness.

I do have a child. My pregnancy was difficult and the little guy didn't sleep through the night until he was 5. Motherhood filled me with immense joy at times (hey! i can feel the baby moving!) but also made me feel fragile and exhausted (hey! the baby had a diaper explosion at 2am!). I never felt strong enough or secure enough to do it again and I am very happy that he's all grown up now.

I agree that women in previous generations sugar-coated motherhood due to social pressure and limited opportunities. Living for yourself, for work, for charity, for travel, for cats, plants, and extra diamonds--those are all great and valid things. Those choices aren't better or worse than motherhood--they just represent a different kind of happiness.

Thank you, that's totally true!

I divorced my first husband after he “came clean” about never wanting children. The reasons over the years for “delaying” where just an excuse and he was hoping I would “get over it”. So I was divorced at 39 and had accepted, going forward, I would be childless and single. Nope, within the year I had a new partner, DH and a baby.
Fast forward 20 odd years and DD is at uni and thriving.
Babies are hard work.
They really change your life and the dynamics of the relationship. Like owning a pet, but 1,000 times worse, children change plans. Dinner at a nice restaurant becomes drive through McDonalds, a relaxing holiday has to include child activities, a pool etc etc etc. then there’s schooling and sports and trying to have an adult life inbetween. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret one bit having DD but it was full of “oh my God” and “aaahhhhh ggggrrrrrr” times.
You never have to justify your choices to anyone, some people aren’t wanting to start a family and instead concentrate on their partnered life and their individual interests. That’s perfectly fine.

I'm so glad it all worked out for you! We have a senior, diabetic cat that made both of us look at each other and go 'maybe we should talk about the whole kid thing some more....'

This is such a tough subject for many. Especially because what is ideal for some isn't for others. People expect couples to have babies. It's whispered about if they don't. I have heard people called selfish for choosing not to. Selfish for whom? I always feel like people have to do what's best for them and admire people who know what they want.

I have 4 kids. The oldest being 24, second is 22, 3rd is 18 and the youngest is 17. I am 45. I had my tubes tied after my daughter's birth. My husband and I both wanted a large family and did exactly that. I loved all of the stages. We decided when I was 43 that we would like to have another baby because we missed it. It ended in loss and was a difficult process. We ultimately decided not to continue with the process and we just enjoy the family we do have. It took a bit to come to terms with that but have embraced the new path.

The point of my post is that if you decide to have children, great! If you do not.....that is equally great. I would suggest if you are on the fence to consider the difficulty in having children later in life. I got pregnant when I wanted to each time when I was young and had very limited egg follicles in my 40s and those I did have were not great. It wasn't really something that I considered or thought would be an issue. The loss was difficult and the whole process was invasive.

I wish you all the best and no matter what you decide it won't be the wrong decision.

I really appreciate your honestly, thank you! I am so sorry about your loss too.. that's so hard.

I feel like “do you want a baby?” Is a hard question. “Do you want an adult child sitting at the dinner table 20 years from now?” Was easier for my DH to answer.

We have two kids and at times it has almost broken us. Not actually, but it has really felt like it. Sleep deprivation plus loss of identity and personal goals is really major. Lucky for me I have always 100% wanted kids. In life everything you want will have a tax- the career, the partner, everything. Want a hot body? Pay the tax by working out at the gym. Want a kid? Well, the tax is high. And only you know if it’s worth it.

For me, I always wanted the breadth of life experience. Being a parent has made me grow as a person in ways I couldn’t have imagined. But it has taken money and sleep from me, and even a bit of health. Personal goals feel like a joke right now (my kids are quite young). I do not regret it - I simply acknowledge that it’s been extremely tough.

Ask yourself (perhaps)- how would your relationship with your partner be, if it went down three pegs? Ten?

What kind of health risks would pregnancy pose for you, and do you have the money and the health team to mitigate them?

What appeals to you about having a kid, and could you replicate those feelings elsewhere with ease? (Having a dog, or volunteering, or being the best auntie ever?)

We all have fear of missing out, sometimes. It is not always talked about how much parents miss out on. The list is long.

I am tired so if I sound doom and gloom, sorry! I wasn’t even supposed to respond but I did it anyways! The truth is, I absolutely love the dimension to my life that having kids has given me. But I am not secretive about all that I have lost in order to have this life. It’s a big trade.

One thing I’ve noticed is that moms who didn’t like their jobs are happier in motherhood than me. I loved my job and miss being able to focus so much on work. I used to be A-level and now some days I feel C+ and that’s been hard for me to cope with. A real identity shift.

Good luck and best wishes to you!

I love how you put that, I do not want a baby now, but might I want adult family inn 20 years? I've never thought of that before! thank you!

It was the best decision I made when I was 18!

I was asked to baby-sat a family friend's newborn baby, not for long period, just a couple of hours to give the mum some time to go out to do some errands and shopping etc...

It was only for 2 weeks, and I can't remember having to change that many nappies or needing to feed him - the mum made sure he was cleaned and fed before she went out.

He did cry a bit, and I had to try and calm him while worrying what could be wrong with him etc...

I thought at the time, if this was what having a baby was about, then I don't want to know.

The baby will turn 40 next year!

And I was not asked to baby-sit her second child!

We still joke about it when we met up at another family friend's funeral last year.

The only time when I thought it would be nice to have a child, was seeing some really cute baby/toddler clothes in Baby Gap and wished I had one to dress up.
Then I thought about buying a teddy bear to dress up instead, as it would be cheaper and does not answer back! I was in my 30s at the time.

At about 13/14, I witnessed an argument between my sister (whom I do not like) and my mum, when my mum said she wished my sister were never born, to which my sister responded she did not ask to be born.

And I thought at the time I did not wish for my children to say that to me, ever.

Later in life, friends would joke that me having kids would be like the monster plant in Little Shop of Horror having kids! Charming I thought, however, probably not entirely wrong!

I never had the calling, as if the biological clock does not exist. I lack maternal instinct and do not like babies. I find their cries very irritating and don't get me started about unruly children in public places!

Whereas I cannot resist the cries of a kitten, puppy, cat and dog.

When it came to relationships, it was never a consideration as I had always been very honest about not wanting any children at the onset of any romantic relationship.

I am childless by choice, and very happy with that decision with no regret whatsoever.

I prefer the company of cats and dogs over people at times if I am really honest!

DK

Edited to add I do not believe I could have been where I am in life if I had children. Yes it does make me kind of selfish, however, I do not wish to live my life according to other people's needs and wants. When I make a life-changing decision, I only have myself to consider, and the welfare of the pets are easier to sort out than kids and OH's etc...

Ha! That made me laugh! I have felt the same way since I was a teenager too. I always thought that when I got married and "grew up" some maternal instinct would kick in. nope.. still waiting!

Having or not having children is such a personal decision and doing what is right for you.

I like children as long as they belong to someone else.

Never wanted children, never missed not having childern. I told DH when first started dating I didn’t want children.

We will be married 45 years in Speptember and never regretted not having children.

Wow! Congrats on your marriage, 45 years is awesome! Thank you for your honest response!

The decision whether to have children or not is entirely yours, and don‘t ever feel pressured in to doing what other people consider the ‘norm’.

Practically from the moment we married, people started saying “I expect you’ll be starting a family soon”, to which I replied “NO”. None of their business, and to this day, I hate to hear people saying that, and what really makes my blood boil is people saying “When are you going to give ME grandchildren?”

I don’t consider myself a maternal person, I‘d rather ooo and ahhh over a puppy BUT, I did decide that I wanted to have a child, I can’t really explain why, I think it was because I was so in love with my DH.

I was violently ill throughout the whole pregnancy, literally vomiting 3 times a day, I can’t say it was a joyful experience, and the birth , don‘t believe people when they say you forget the pain the minute they put the baby in your arms!

I had a very easy baby, he slept all through the night from 8 weeks old, and I can’t honestly say that I feel I missed out on anything because of having him. Of course there were times when I craved some adult conversation, but that goes with the territory. He started school full time when he was 4, and I made friends with other Mums then, one of them is still my best friend 34 years later.

6 years ago, our DS asked if we’d be prepared to leave our lives behind and move to the US so we could be near him and his now wife. We moved here 3 months ago, and are currently living with them until our house is ready.

Would I do it all again - yes I would.

Thank you! I really appreciate your honest response!

Lol, I guess I will "butt in." I have 3 children. I gave up my career when my oldest child was 3 because he had cancer. (He's fine now). That was 15 years ago. Being a parent is crazy hard and teens are a different beast. Honestly, they make colicky infants and terrible tottlers seem pretty easy. My middle child (DD age 15) has crippling anxiety, OCD, and is mildly bipolar. So, I have had 2 out of 3 kids have a serious illness. It has aged me. It has been hard on our marriage. It has made me feel deep fear, the kind where you want to hide under the covers until it goes away. There is no love like a parent has for a child. But be prepared- it ain't easy. Would I do it again? Yes, but the meantime is very mean.

When my parents were on the adoption list, they were asked "if a baby with serious illness, mental or physical, is available for adoption, would you be able to care for that child?"

The answer was no. They did not have the abilities to offer the best care for that child.

I had never thought about this, that you can't choose what kind of abilities your child would have. I know that I am not emotionally stable enough to care for a innocent child that may be born with differing abilities.
Thank you for your honesty and for bringing this up, it's such an important topic to discuss that doesn't get discussed often.

No regrets here. I never had any use for children and never wanted children.

Thank you for your honest response! I really appreciate it!

TL,DR version: No regrets, occasional FOMO used to creep in but it has been a while.

Longer version (with possible bad idea sequencing): I (34) was raised in a catholic family, and growing up just assumed that some day I would have children. When I met my DH (37) nearly 15 years ago, we fell in love hard and fast, and about 2 months in were talking about marriage, how many kids we would want, etc.

Fast forward to being out of college, landing my first job in my field, a move across states, DH finding a new job, and about a year in after these changes (8ish years together at this point,2ish years married) we sat down for a talk about what we wanted our 5-10 year plan to look like professionally, personally, and financially. This took nearly 8 hours, spreadsheets galore, we forgot to eat because we were so engrossed in our dicussion, so 20 minutes later after were were "done" and waiting on pizza to be delivered, I nearly lost it when DH came back over to me and said we had forgotten something, I defintely raised my voice saying "How?!?!?!", as DH shrunk back and meekly muttered.... "Kids?"


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I mean... they didn't cross my mind. Not once. A day long discussion about what we wanted our life to look like, and neither one of us had thought about kids. That really was my answer right there, but I've spent the last 7ish years since thinking "Okay, my biological clock will kick in, or baby fever, and we'll figure out how to start a family once I/we want it". My family is the most important part of my life, hands down. The lengths I went to ensuring my DH understood that before marrying me were in depth. I have four niblings that mean the world to me, and being blessed to be in a position over this last year to help my brother out financially has left me truly humbled and grateful for my life as is. We would not have been able to help him the way we did if we had any children of our own. Period.

At one point I told DH I was on the "no" side of kids, but if he decided he 100% wanted to be a dad, we would figure out how to make that work. I was not so against the idea that if that is what he needed for a fulfilling life I would say no, especially since we both assumed we wanted kids when we were younger.

I've been told I'll never understand true love, or joy, until I have kids. Had a patient break down in tears in the office telling me that God's gift to women above all was the ability to bring life in to this world and how empty mine will be if I don't fullfil that ability. Literally bit my tongue holding back from lying about being infertile to make them feel ashamed for saying such things. 'What about your legacy?!" "What are you going to leave behind if you don't have children?!" People seem absurdly shocked when I responded along the lines of "I feel like it's fine to just live a good and happy life while I'm here".

Raising children is fulfilling and brings meaning to your life, and yes, has some joy and happiness assocaited, but the cost to body , mind, and soul just isn't something I can do myself. Friends have been real with me about some heavy topics related to parenthood, including wishing they had not had children, the realities of the financial hardships that have been caused, careers stunted or lost, to name a few. Most say they would do it again. Not all.

So, here we are, child free by choice and so, so happy. We have a wonderful marriage, great friends, enough income and time to do what we want, and so,so much more. I love my life as it is.

Now, don't get me started on my rant about how badly we need to do better for working families and their children in this country. Just because *I* don't want to be a parent does NOT mean I want parents to have it rough. I hold a sincere and deep appreciation for all the people out there doing their best to raise humans.

HA! I feel like that's me! Colored highlighters, spreadsheets, 30 year plans.. oh crap, what about the kids? Too funny.

But in seriousness thank you for sharing!

My partner and I don't have children. We met when we were 31 and 32, and we've been together for 19 years. We were never 100 percent sure that we wanted children, so we simply didn't have them. It seemed like the right choice. About 10 years into our relationship, a health issue swiftly took the option away from us. Every now and then, I do feel sad about that. If I could go back to age 31 and know what I know now, yes, I likely would have chosen differently. But we enjoy our life (which was calm and peaceful before the arrival of our rambunctious puppy), we love our cats and dog, we're enjoying fostering kitties in need, and we shower our nieces and nephews with love and support. It's not always sunshine and rainbows, but life is good, all around.

Thank you for your honest and vulernable response. I really appreciate it because I am concerned that I might regret not having a child. Thank you

So this was an easy decision for me. I didn't want to have children from a very young age. I just knew. Sometimes you just know and I did. I grew up in a very happy household and have loving supportive parents. I have a great relationship with my sister and my parents. Yet I just never wanted kids of my own. My sister was the opposite. She always knew from a young age that she wanted kids. It was her dream. Isn't that funny how different we are despite sharing so much of our genetics and our environment.

I also didn't think I wanted to get married but Greg changed my mind about that. Took him 5 long years though haha. Greg said he was ambivalent about having kids so I was lucky in that respect. He was 100% A OK with not having kids. I remember on our second date he asked me two questions. One did I ever want to get married. Answer NO. Two did I want kids. Answer NO. LOL lucky for me he felt confident in time he could change my mind about one and he was fine with two. LOLOL.

I have ZERO regrets about not having kids. Absolutely no regrets. Our life would have been completely different. Not worse or better just different. And for me I love our life as it is and was selfish in my decision I admit it.Some people view selfish as a dirty word but I do not. It is OK being selfish if you aren't hurting others. Then there is the selfish that hurts others but I digress. Another topic for another thread.

But there is nothing wrong with knowing one's mind and doing what is right for you and your partner and nothing wrong with not having kids. There are enough people in the world and I do not feel at all guilty for not contributing to the population.

I think there are more people who have kids who shouldn't than those who don't have kids who should have.





"It is every bit as important in life to understand who you are NOT, as to understand who you ARE."


I love our life together. Greg and I are very lucky. There is nothing about our life together I would change.

Lovely picture! Thank you for sharing! I have always thought it was goofy to call someone childless selfish.

I have never had a desire to have children and I still don’t. My dog absolutely satisfies my nurturing instinct. Indeed getting a dog helped make the decision not to have children. Despite taking our pup to puppy preschool and training thereafter he has anxiety which we needed to manage. He has also more recently required surgery on two knees. My husband and I both agreed that having a dog was as much responsibility as we were willing to take on.

I think I am still of an age where I could have a child (late 30s) so we check in every now and again to make sure we both remain comfortable with our decision. I would have a child (actually I would want two if we were going down that path) if that is what my husband really wanted - I am not entirely opposed to the idea but don’t have any desire to have children myself. However, we remain happy with our decision.

Several years back when thinking about this issue I read the book “Two is enough: a couple’s guide to living childless by choice” by L. Scott. You may find this of interest.

I immediately put that book on my Goodreads wish list! Thank you!!

Best quote I ever read was “having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You better be really sure it’s what you want.”
Seriously, one of my BFF’s was unsure about wanting kids. I told her I wanted to have kids like I wanted to breathe air and if you don’t feel that strongly, you shouldn’t have them.
We are very close to our adult sons but do not plan on depending on them for anything. I already know we are going to get stuck with the responsibility of our parents ( who put in bare bones effort in raising us ) and I wouldn’t do that to my kids.

Ha! That is brilliant! That quote really makes one think.... And I super appreciate your perspective.

I have two kids. I fought like hell to bring them into this world. Many many cycles of (failed) fertility treatment, countless dollars spent. And then there's the physical part of 37+ weeks of pregnancy (I never make it past that for some reason). I always felt that I only wanted kids with the right partner. I'm thankful that my husband is that partner, but even with that it's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss the days when I would sleep in after a late shift, wake up with no/minimal responsibilities and go to the gym, then sit at Starbucks and sip my coffee until it was time to get ready for my shift. As much as I can't imagine my life without them, I miss that life. I've lost a lot of me in the last 3 years and it's HARD. A number of my friends have chosen a childfree life and I think their marriages are a bit happier, they are better rested, less burned out.

Summary: parenthood is hard. It's a personal choice. I believe true happiness comes through having confidence in one's own choices.

Oh my! I'm glad that everything worked out how you wanted. Both my parents experienced major infertility. Thank you for being honest!

When I was about 6 years old, I looked at my aunts belly..and saw the baby kick. I knew I wouldn't be having children in this lifetime. I never EVER wanted them. Now mind you-that did not take away from the incredible loss that I felt when I realized I did lose a child [that's another story for another time]. But I STILL do not regret a moment of it. I made the right decision 100%. You can be mothering and nurturing and giving without being tied to someone or something. You can devote your life to you or you and your partner without guilt or the what if. Here is the gods honest truth-I'm italian and german and I was nicknamed the tornado when I was a little girl. I have 2 nephews and 1 niece and I do not understand WHY we can microchip our animals but we can't track our kids for safety purposes. I send myself down that rabbit hole every time.

I digress. The answer is no, not one moment of this life that goes by that I have regretted not having children. I love my life and would not change 1 single decision [good or bad] about it.

That made me giggle! thank you for your honesty!

My sister (59) and two cousins (late 60's) do not have children. They did not yearn for children when they were young and of child bearing age. They all had x-husbands or men in their lives that wanted children but it did not sway any of them to reconsider. My cousins are now single and my sister has been with a man for over 25 years who also did not desire children of his own. None have stated regret. They all seem happy in their decision and have talked about why the decision was personally the right path for them. They all love having nieces and nephews and they are all wonderful dog parents.

Thank you for sharing!

I never wanted children.
I’m not a “child person”
I like cream sofas. And holidays with child-free swimming pools.
I work full time and am very career focussed.
The thought of breastfeeding (over 18s only I’m afraid) and having a “thing/ parasite” growing inside me was gross
I was never going risk my pelvic floor, continence or ability to orgasm for ANYTHING

I have two kids.

Being an only child and the child of an only child my family is tiny. The thought of my parents dying, a potential forever partner buggering off with his secretary or some other younger model, and me being completely alone scared the shit out of me. I always wanted a massive family (loads of siblings and cousins) but that wasn’t within my control.

so I found a way to make having kids work within my tolerance thresholds.

My husband fortunately agreed that he was happy to be a stay at home dad so they had one parent dedicated to their care - but it didn’t have to be me.

I chose elective C-sections so my vagina wasn’t at risk of being destroyed - because that wasn’t a situation I was prepared to risk having seen some life changing outcomes in friends and family.

I made sure we were financially secure enough to be able to spend some child free time (especially when they were babies).

I do not at all regret it now. I adore my kids. And find it more rewarding the closer they get to adulthood.

But that is only because I was fortunate enough to do so in a way which I could manage without making mine or their lives unhappy as a result. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t been a compromise or a challenge.

Not everyone is suited to or wants to become a parent. That’s totally fine. I wanted children for selfish reasons - I wanted to have a family environment in my older years - I had no desire or yearning for babies or toddlers. That doesn’t mean my children aren’t adored, happy, appreciated and the light of my life. But I knew there were certain conditions which would allow me to be a good parent and also retain my sanity.

That made me laugh, I feel that I could have written the top bit! Thank you for being so honest, that is one area people don't want to talk about, but is a major concern for me and several of my friends. I really appreciate your perspective!

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I know, it sounds silly!

But I want to be completely objective and open to other's stories and opinions. I really appreciate everyone's wisdom and experience, since I know that I lack wisdom and experience in this area. Not that a social media platform will change my opinion (it won't) but I feel that I want to be as well informed as I can before I make an emotionally based decision
There are sometimes where I imagine what it would look like if we had a little family, if we did have a child together. But usually those images include a PERFECT child and are all happy. I've seen enough heartbreak to know that nothing and no one will ever be perfect, and I can't make my decision based on a late-night dream of a only happy family.
I really just appreciate everyone's responses and vulnerability, as it helps me see a bigger picture <3

I didn't want to say it sounds silly! I know it's hard to quite put one's finger on something without having first hand experience.

Since you asked for parents' opinions as well:
I never had the strong urge I needed to absolutely have children or the famous biological clock ticking myself. When we were talking about getting married, my DH was clear that for him children were part of a marriage. I didn't have very strong feelings either way, but we were in a very secure and stable relationship, financially stable and I was sure I'd emotionally be able to care for a child.
My pregnancies were miserable ( hyperemesis gravidarum, so basically puking for 4 months straight). But I loved the bond between the a baby and us. The relationship with my husband changed as well. Since it was rock solid before and he's the most stable and generous person (I couldn't have lived with a child-guy who's jealous of the attention his own children take away from him - have seen this countless times...Blech), I love seeing him as a dad. It's a different aspect of him and every child found his or her place and magically there's no need to "divide" love. There's just more of it. Since I'm a rather energetic person with a strong personality * cough, stubborn* * cough opinionated* I think it's healthy for my children that each of them is not the sole focus of my parenting. I found that out rather quickly after child one.

But my very close childhood friend who's single and child free by choice and exactly my age has a wonderful life *exactly doing whatever she pleases* as well. And we are still extremely close friends, btw.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

Not many have mentioned yet the health risks for the mama. Carrying a child and giving birth can have many health effects, big or small. Not to mention body image effects. Mental health effects. Definitely a point to ponder.

These are things I had no clue about until I was on the other side of it.

I was wondering if this would come up, as this is a major concern for me.

Yup. I developed sacroiliac joint dysfunction 6 months into my pregnancy, and still have it.

Oh no!! Thank you for sharing though, I had no idea!

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I didn't want to say it sounds silly! I know it's hard to quite put one's finger on something without having first hand experience.

Since you asked for parents' opinions as well:
I never had the strong urge I needed to absolutely have children or the famous biological clock ticking myself. When we were talking about getting married, my DH was clear that for him children were part of a marriage. I didn't have very strong feelings either way, but we were in a very secure and stable relationship, financially stable and I was sure I'd emotionally be able to care for a child.
My pregnancies were miserable ( hyperemesis gravidarum, so basically puking for 4 months straight). But I loved the bond between the a baby and us. The relationship with my husband changed as well. Since it was rock solid before and he's the most stable and generous person (I couldn't have lived with a child-guy who's jealous of the attention his own children take away from him - have seen this countless times...Blech), I love seeing him as a dad. It's a different aspect of him and every child found his or her place and magically there's no need to "divide" love. There's just more of it. Since I'm a rather energetic person with a strong personality * cough, stubborn* * cough opinionated* I think it's healthy for my children that each of them is not the sole focus of my parenting. I found that out rather quickly after child one.

But my very close childhood friend who's single and child free by choice and exactly my age has a wonderful life *exactly doing whatever she pleases* as well. And we are still extremely close friends, btw.

Thank you for sharing that! I respect all people's paths in life and it sounds like you guys have a really good system
I really lucked out with my DH, he's a true gem. I worry that having children would put a barrier between us and our relationship, which is so good now.

 

[MillieLou]

HI!

Yes of course!
My and DH have been together for 12 years. At this point, eyebrows are getting raised. Our biological clock is ticking. We need to make the decision whether we want a child in the next few years, before we run into biological factors that could cause issues (being a "geriatric" first time mother due to age).

*side note: (We are not open to adoption, since I myself am adopted and am not emotionally equipped to deal with that. We are not open to IVF or fertility treatments either so biological the "old fashioned way" is the only option we would consider for having children).
**We are not open to having children past the age of 35, since we both had very old parents and it has caused us a lot of burdens. Who wants to graduate from college and immediately start to morph into the 'caregiver' role to your senior citizen parents? That's us now. We haven't even bought our first house yet and are grappling with a widowed senior citizen mom who can't live on her own and needs to sell her house and move into a old people's home.

Neither of us want kids. Neither of us have ever, EVER, felt any kind of paternal or material instinct. Neither of us like children now. Neither of us have ever felt any desire to be around children. Both of us are "turned off" by children. I have done my fair share of babysitting and found it horrible. DH has never spent any amount of time with any infant or child.

We have been having almost monthly meetings (LOL) where DH and I sit down and look each other dead in the eye and say "so what are we gonna do". We are long term planners, and have recognized that while we may not want children now, will we change our minds in the next few years?

We are financially and physically able to care for children. But we are both selfish, and I question if we are emotionally able to be good parents.
***According to all our parents and our therapist, we would make "GREAT" parents, and are emotionally sound enough to become parents, but me and DH secretly doubt it.


We have agreed that we could raise a child. But do we want to? Not sure yet. Our biggest concern over not having children is that we would regret it. But that's mostly because society has TOLD US that's how we'd feel. We don't feel any lack in our lives now, and that's after 12 years of being together.

No no no don't do it!!!

You're happy with your life. You're fine as you are. And... you don't like kids. That's OK. It's more than OK. The bolded part in your post is what you need to pay attention to.

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Stay strong.

People who are happy with their decisions don't pressure others. The only people who ever pressured me when childfree were those who, in retrospect, were regretful and bitter of the decisions they had made and needed to justify them.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I also wanted to provide a little more background:

My MIL ALWAYS wanted children. Desperately. From the moment she could express her feelings, she expressed that she wanted a huge family.

My mom and dad didn't want kids. They never thought about it. They were together for just about 12 years before they even discussed having kids. When they thought "sure, we'll try", they realized they had fertility problems and could never have children naturally.
Mom spiraled into a decade long depression. She says those years are a blur for her. Dad refuses to talk about them.
Finally, when they were past the allowed age limit for in country adoptions, they got me. Bio mom picked them because "you're so old, no on else will pick you and then you'll never get a baby". (cue the laugh card).

Mom and dad fervently believe that they made the right choice. But they spent over 12 years thinking the opposite. I am their whole world, and I know they don't have any regrets. But I also see how hard it was for them to raise me.

When I tell my mom and dad that I don't want kids, they say "that's fine by us, neither did we!" At least not until they realized they COULDN'T have kids. Do people always chase after what they can't have? Maybe!

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

No no no don't do it!!!

You're happy with your life. You're fine as you are. And... you don't like kids. That's OK. It's more than OK. The bolded part in your post is what you need to pay attention to.

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Stay strong.

People who are happy with their decisions don't pressure others. The only people who ever pressured me when childfree were those who, in retrospect, were regretful and bitter of the decisions they had made and needed to justify them.

Thank you for your affirmations! I quit social media 2 years ago and never looked back because I felt that I was being too heavily influenced by ideas and thoughts that weren't really mine. Sometimes I still struggle with "is this a true thought? or is this a learned thought that I have picked up along the way?"
We have so much access to other's pressures, and ideas and opinion that sometimes it's hard to sort though. Thank you for that reminder!

 

[dk168]

@Sprinkles&Stones I tried to be sterilised in my early 20s when I discovered hormonal contraception did not suit me, and barrier methods fiddly and were passion killers, and was told I would not be allowed being too young with a high risk of changing my mind etc...

I cheekily asked if I could be sterilised in my late 40s and was told yes! However, by that time I was settled with having a Mirena coil so I did not bother. I considered myself a gynaecological fossil ever since.

DK

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

@Sprinkles&Stones I tried to be sterilised in my early 20s when I discovered hormonal contraception did not suit me, and barrier methods fiddly and were passion killers, and was told I would not be allowed being too young with a high risk of changing my mind etc...

I cheekily asked if I could be sterilised in my late 40s and was told yes! However, by that time I was settled with having a Mirena coil so I did not bother. I considered myself a gynaecological fossil ever since.

DK

Blast those dang doctors! And you didn’t change your mind either. Humpf!

 

[MillieLou]

I also wanted to provide a little more background:

My MIL ALWAYS wanted children. Desperately. From the moment she could express her feelings, she expressed that she wanted a huge family.

My mom and dad didn't want kids. They never thought about it. They were together for just about 12 years before they even discussed having kids. When they thought "sure, we'll try", they realized they had fertility problems and could never have children naturally.
Mom spiraled into a decade long depression. She says those years are a blur for her. Dad refuses to talk about them.
Finally, when they were past the allowed age limit for in country adoptions, they got me. Bio mom picked them because "you're so old, no on else will pick you and then you'll never get a baby". (cue the laugh card).

Mom and dad fervently believe that they made the right choice. But they spent over 12 years thinking the opposite. I am their whole world, and I know they don't have any regrets. But I also see how hard it was for them to raise me.

When I tell my mom and dad that I don't want kids, they say "that's fine by us, neither did we!" At least not until they realized they COULDN'T have kids. Do people always chase after what they can't have? Maybe!

Your family story really touched me. I am just musing, but do you think there's an element of... you're parents tried so hard and desperately for something... that you could (presumably) have, but are choosing to turn down?

That's tough psychologically.

It's also tough to go "against the stream" of society. But being child-free isn't that much against the societal stream these days. This thread is a good indicator of that!

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

Your family story really touched me. I am just musing, but do you think there's an element of... you're parents tried so hard and desperately for something... that you could (presumably) have, but are choosing to turn down?

That's tough psychologically.

It's also tough to go "against the stream" of society. But being child-free isn't that much against the societal stream these days. This thread is a good indicator of that!

Oh absolutely! I think you’re absolutely right.
On one hand, I see how my own existence wasn’t valued by my bio mom, but my existence was the most important thing that happened to my adoptive mom and dad. Such black and white contrasting opinions definitely muddies the mind.

 

[marymm]

OP, to me all your posts read as a "No" to having children -- not quite a "hard No" but definitely not a "maybe" -- why not schedule your next serious talk about this topic in 6 months? Talking about it monthly hasn't changed the decision/indecision ... maybe waiting half a year before approaching the topic again will shift the needle for you two.

 

[rainydaze]

I am not certain I would have kids if I were to do it over again. That is no reflection on my kids, they are good people and there has been a lot of good stuff along the way.

If you are interested in hearing more, I'd be happy to share. (I did want to have kids if the stars aligned (for me that meant meeting someone who was a true partner, and being able to) - my perspective is not one of not wanting kids/not being sure i wanted kids and then ending up having them.)

 

[lala646]

Do people always chase after what they can't have? Maybe!

For my DH, I think chasing after what he didn't have growing up is a lot of what made him want a baby so very badly. His father was abusive, his mother was emotionally distant. They were immigrants who worked hard, but they were very poor. I think he wanted us to have a baby so he could recreate the idyllic American childhood he didn't get to have. I half-jokingly tell him, that's what therapy is for, not babies.

 

[Arcadian]

I told my parents I didn't want kids at the age of 4. Thats a promise kept! I do not regret not having any.

Let me just say this; I love babies, I really do and when my nieces and nephews were young, I absolutely loved it! I love them now too but yeah wish they had stayed babies!!

But as much as I love my dogs, kids were just never in the cards. I'm too selfish for that type of lifestyle.

I thankfully met a man who also never wanted any, but I think his upbringing has more to do with his decision.

 

[diamondyes]

I love that you and your DH are big planners- can you tell me what kinds of plans you’re looking forward to? Sometimes it’s easier to know what you want than what you don’t want. And having kids will affect those plans, I’m curious in what ways but it depends on your dreams I suppose.

 

[Ionysis]

Let me ask a question. Your parents are elderly. You’re an only child. If, god forbid, you separated from your husband or something happened to him, would you feel able to face being “alone” and create a happy and fulfilling life for yourself with only friends / distant family? Or is your anticipation of enjoying life child free based on the idea of you and your husband enjoying it TOGETHER?

Tbe reason I ask is that very little in life is permanent. Having children is one of the MOST permanent things you can do.

Elderly parent sadly pass away. Friends and even romantic loves do frequently come and go. However the likelihood is (albeit not 100%) that any children you have will be “there” forever.

Of course they could move away, pass away or even grow up to not want a relationship with you. But that is statistically less likely.

I had my children because I knew it was the most likely way (even if not guaranteed) of ensuring I have someone to eat Christmas dinner with, someone’s achievements I could take joy in aside from my own, someone I could hug, someone i could pick up the phone to, someone to whom I could say “do you remember that time 10 years ago…”, someone to make my house noisy and lived in and full, even if sporadically, someone to really wholly love. Forever. Selfish? Yes. But I felt if I ended up alone, without a romantic partner or any close family in my life, in later age, I would be deeply, unavoidably miserable.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

so im ganna die alone
thats not a good enough reason to have a kid
for a million reasons never wanted them

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I haven’t contributed to this thread since I do have kids, but wanted to comment on a couple of things.

First and most importantly, don’t have kids so that you aren’t alone in your golden years. My father had three kids and none of us spoke to him in his older age, you would think that three would stack the odds in your favor, not necessarily.

Also pregnancy can have very real health consequences, I had a blood clot during pregnancy and lost central vision in my left eye. I was lucky that it went to my eye and not my brain, but that is a very rare occurrence that even Yale couldn’t explain. Strange things can happen and sometimes the effects are permanent. Not to scare you, just things to consider.

 

[diamondyes]

I haven’t contributed to this thread since I do have kids, but wanted to comment on a couple of things.

First and most importantly, don’t have kids so that you aren’t alone in your golden years. My father had three kids and none of us spoke to him in his older age, you would think that three would stack the odds in your favor, not necessarily.

Also pregnancy can have very real health consequences, I had a blood clot during pregnancy and lost central vision in my left eye. I was lucky that it went to my eye and not my brain, but that is a very rare occurrence that even Yale couldn’t explain. Strange things can happen and sometimes the effects are permanent. Not to scare you, just things to consider.

I’m sorry you had that happen! So many sacrifices involved in becoming a parent. Loss of vision is something I found out could happen after I’d had two kids, and for me it was a very shocked moment to learn just how many things can go wrong… should I scare OP a bit and list them? Is that helpful or cruel? Let me know, OP!

 

[Ionysis]

so im ganna die alone
thats not a good enough reason to have a kid
for a million reasons never wanted them

Fully agree that is totally and utterly valid.

I also know a number of people whose strong preference is actually to be alone most of the time. I’m just not one of them - and that certainly did drive my life choices. Will have to see how that turns out long term - too early to tell yet!

This is such an interesting thread. So many different stories and opinions and view points. This is one of the things I love about PS!

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Fully agree that is totally and utterly valid.

I also know a number of people whose strong preference is actually to be alone most of the time. I’m just not one of them - and that certainly did drive my life choices. Will have to see how that turns out long term - too early to tell yet!

This is such an interesting thread. So many different stories and opinions and view points. This is one of the things I love about PS!

i can come to your place for Christmas dinner right ?

 

[Ionysis]

i can come to your place for Christmas dinner right ?

Any time!!