For those that didn''t live together before marriage...

[lilylover]

Was it a huge change?

I am getting married in 3 months (!!!) and FI and I have never lived together. The longest we''ve been together (i.e. overnighters) was during a vacation to Mexico a couple years ago that was a week long.

In fact, I''ve never lived away from home. I am nearly 23, stayed home during college, and have always lived with my parents. The other night I was laying in bed and had the sudden realization that, wow, this could be really hard for me. I feel like I know everything about FI, but all our friends who have lived with their significant others swear that you don''t really know a person until you''ve lived with them.

Another thing that is making me nervous is that FI currently lives in a 2 bed apartment with a friend. His lease isn''t up until August, which is 2 months after we get married. If FI''s roomate can''t find a new roomate before the wedding, we will have to live at FI''s old apartment for 2 months. I am really worried that I will feel like I am just a visitor, and that it won''t feel like a home.


For any of you who have been in a similar situation, was it hard? How''d you deal with it?

 

[Lilac]

DH and I didn't live together before we got married. We had both lived with our parents our whole lives. I was 20 and he was 22 - we lived at home through college (well, I'm still in college now, but up until the wedding I lived at home) and he lived at home through college.

We moved into our new apartment together right after the wedding. Living together this past year has been *wonderful* - I absolutely love it! I don't think I've really learned anything new about DH since living with him. We dated for over 4 and a half years before we got married and saw each other every day and spent a *lot* of time together, so we knew each other pretty well

- so since getting married and living together I don't think there's been much "new" stuff we've had to learn to deal with (other than the really great things like going to sleep together, waking up together, coming home to each other at the end of every day, etc)!

I guess it was a big change, but in a really really good way. Life is so much better now. I thought it would be difficult for me to transition from living with my mom all the time to seeing her less often and having to do things on my own now with DH, but the transition was SO easy because it was so much fun and so amazing to be living with my best friend who just happens to be my husband! He's also really great at helping out at home, so it helped me/us get used to cooking, cleaning, and doing all the household chores. He's really great to live with

 

[trillionaire]

Preface: I''m not married, but am engaged and moved in with FI for the first time in Dec ''09 after 6+yrs of dating.

A couple of questions for you: how independent of your parents are you? Do you spend a lot of time with them around the house and on weekends? Do they cook for you? Clean? Do laundry? Do you or your FH have any pets? Who cares for them? Do you pay rent to your parents? Is your FH messy or clean, or somewhere in the middle?

Do you like to be around people most of the time, or do you need alone time? Do you and your FH share common friends, or are your friends more seperate?

I think these are some of the most common things that couples have to deal with and negotiate... household finances from seperate finances deserve some good discussions. My FI and I got a book called ''Smart Couples Finish Rich''. You can find it on amazon.

If you live more autonomously at home, it might not be quite as bad, but I can imagine that if you have never lived with anyone other than family, there will be some adjusting that has to happen. To be honest, I think my FI and I were excited, but a little nervous in the back of our minds... but after 2 months and the other shoe hadn''t dropped, we realized that it was just easy, and wonderful for us, and that we''re really, really happy with the change. We do fuss more, which are like, 1 minute fussing sessions, but we also move on quickly, and we laugh, cuddle and tease each other a lot more too. We''re still new at this, but we''ve had some great bonding experiences, like the blizzard a few weeks ago. I''d say, don''t overthink it... just see what happens. The nice thing is that you will be married, and so you will both get to experiences all of that newness as husband and wife.

For us, it felt like a very natural transition in our relationship, and nothing at all like a huge change.

 

[Laila619]

I didn't think it was a huge change, no. But it wasn't a difficult adjustment because DH and I get along so well and are both neat, organized people. I think it would be harder if one person was messy while the other was neat, or one person was a morning person while the other was a night owl, etc.
And if you have to live at his apartment for a little while, I am sure your DH will welcome you making changes to his place to make it feel more like home. I know mine did.

 

[elrohwen]

I''m not exactly your target audience, but I''ll answer from my side of the story

I don''t know that I really believe the whole "you don''t really know someone until you''ve lived with them." And I moved in with DH after one year of dating! Haha. I''ve loved living together, but I don''t think I really learned anything about him that I didn''t already know or couldn''t have found out. Maybe we''re just very compatible in the living department, but I think if you spend time at your FI''s place (we spent all weekend together, so that was two-three nights per week) you''ll know his habits well. I would be more concerned if it was a long distance relationship (like Trill''s actually!) where you may only see how he lives when he''s made an extra effort to clean up for you

We did have some friction when we first moved in together, but it was coincidental - I had finally found friends where we lived, and DH felt left out when I would hang out with them after work on Friday nights (he worked too far away from where I worked to join us). So other than that, we didn''t have any issues. I''m still glad we lived together before marriage, but I can''t say it was necessary to having a good marriage.

I think Trill also had some really good questions. The way you are right now, living with your parents, will probably make a difference. It sounds like he''s out on his own (with a roommate) and so he has experience living with someone else who isn''t family. I would just think about how you live right now and consider the changes that living with your DH will bring - as long as you think it through and are aware of how things will change, I think you''ll be able to handle it.

 

[Elmorton]

I did not live with DH before marriage (well...not really...I moved in a month before our wedding). We''d dated long distance through all but 1 month of our relationship, so we were used to having separate places, though of course he spent the night and vice versa when we visited. "Not really knowing someone until you''ve lived together" is a little hooey, IMO, unless your FI acts completely different when you''re not around (and that isn''t likely the case). In my case, since we''d been sharing 1-bedroom apartments during those visits, moving into a 2-bedroom house felt extremely easy, because there was actually space.

But a big issue I had was because DH moved into our first home together before I did, it didn''t feel like mine at first. And I really missed what WAS mine - that apartment that I''d left behind. Seriously, there were a few days that I totally mourned my tiny, tiny cheap apartment. Anyway, someone gave me some quasi-helpful advice about his moving in first, and that was for me to start decorating before I moved in with just a few items - things that were new to both of us. This is a lot easier when you''ve received some things on your registry of course, but I remember the things I put up were a photo collage of b&w snapshots of places we''d been and two b&w photos of us as children.

Frankly though, that feeling of "ours" didn''t really come until a couple months later when we moved outside of the area where we''d grown up into the first place that we found together. By the time everything was in and out of the moving van and survived the 175 mile trip, didn''t really see "mine" and "his" anymore. For me, getting outside of the comfort zone of home was the biggest reality check about married life.

FWIW - living together is really, really wonderful - but starting out a marriage with a roomie is not really something I''d suggest. You will have tiny, silly arguments, and it''s important to be able to communicate clearly and without allies on either side. If you are coming into an already established "home," I think it''s going to be pretty hard to not feel like the third wheel or the visitor, which is exactly the opposite of how you should feel when you''re starting the biggest partnership of your life.

 

[Haven]

It was not a big change for me at all, no. It was a *wonderful* and welcome change to finally live with DH, and I adored it then and I still do today, but as far as adjusting was concerned, it didn't take much.

DH and I had both lived on our own before we married. He was 38, I was 27, we'd both taken care of our own homes before and all that. I think the biggest thing that makes it so easy for us to live together is that we both share the need for solitary time so neither of us ever feels like we have to get away and can't, for example.

I love living with my husband. I love sharing so much time with him, and I love caring for a home and our pets with him.

The biggest adjustment was his obsession with coasters. I've never owned so many coasters in my life, and I still cannot help myself from going into laughing fits when he does his rounds and places coasters all over our wood furniture the night before we expect a lot of company. He's so weird.

 

[KimberlyH]

We didn''t live together until we were married. We vacationed together quite a bit, but never resided in the same house until after our honeymoon. The adjustment was difficult for me, quite easy for him. There was a bit of a power struggle on my part, which he was smart enough not to play into, and it took a few months but we have since settled in quite nicely (we''ve been married 3.5 years) and I wouldn''t change our choice to wait. We were "older" when we married, I was 29 my husband 38. He had lived on his own since he was 18, I had been on my own for about 3 years. I really loved living by myself and believe that is where most of my struggle came from. I had always imagined buying my own house one day, and having to share with him was hard for me. I always struggle with big change though, while he adapts quite easily, which is funny because I''m much more easy going when it comes to day-to-day stuff. Just be prepared to communicate, carve time out for yourself, and be honest about your feelings.

 

[Blair138]

DH lived on his own for 6 years pre-wedding and I lived at home for all my life with the exception of 2 years away at college. I had a little bit of an issue moving in and feeling like it was my home because SIL used to live with DH and she had a habit of coming over whenever she wanted and letting herself in for the few months before we were married and before I moved in. I felt like the house wasn''t mine and it was a hot button issue for a bit. She has since backed off.

As far as adjusting to DH, that was fine for me. We had spent a lot of time together before our wedding and I know how he is and he knows how I am, I still get annoyed at his messiness and gross habits sometimes, but he gets annoyed at my cleanliness! The biggest issue for me was leaving my parents, I cried and was upset for the first month or so, mostly because I am over 45 minutes from them and I went from living with them to seeing them once a week. We also live 5 minutes from my in-laws but don''t get me started on that. It has been an adjustment and occasionally I still miss my parent''s house, but our house is definitely now ''our house'' if that makes sense.

 

[trillionaire]

I will add that it is easier to share a neutral space than to move into one person or another''s space. We both lived on our own, but I never felt ''at home'' at his old place. We moved into a larger place together, and it''s been really fun to set up ''our home''.

 

[missy]

My husband and I never lived together before marriage. We were both living on our own. It was a difficult adjustment for me (regarding the little things only) because I am very set in my ways so the first year though wonderful was difficult in that respect. It took months to get my dh to make sure to put the toilet seat down! Just one example to illustrate my experience. Silly things like that but it definitely was important to me LOL.

This may not be as difficult for you because you are not living on your own so probably have not developed the picky personality trait that comes from living on your own for years. In other words you are not as set in your ways as some who are used to doing everything their way when it comes to their home.

Having said that it was wonderful to be married and living with the love of my life and so worth the first year of adjustment. We did have some big fights LOL but I (we) can laugh about that now. I will say most of the fault was mine as I am not easy when it comes to change but the fact that I can say it was all worth it should put you at ease for this next stage in your life. If I could survive the change anyone can as long as you are in love and willing to communicate communicate communicate!

I have to agree that beginning your life together in a place that is all your own is best if you can swing it but ultimately you will be moving to your own place so you should be fine. I sold my apt (my husband was renting) and we bought a new place together in which to begin our married life and we got to renovate and decorate it to be our own. Reflecting both our esthetic tastes. We kept his house at the Jersey Shore but renovated that too so it reflects both of our personalities.
I will add that if you buy a place you are going to be renovating you might want to stay in a hotel for that time period if you can afford it. That is a real test of a good relationship- living through renovations!

Good luck and enjoy this wonderful and exciting albeit sometimes stressful time of your lives. In my experience it goes way too fast!

Best wishes,
Melissa