Home First year''s the hardest?

[alli_esq]

I know there have been other threads about the "first year being the hardest," and there are lots of reasons why people might or might not agree with that...

But when people ask me if marriage has affected my relationship, I have to say it has--even though we were together for over 4 years when we got married, and had lived together for about 2.5 years...and it hasn''t been altogether positive (though I do love calling him my "husband" and feel more like we''re family, especially now that my parents have really started to consider him part of their family).

I am not a jealous person, and haven''t been jealous when it comes to DH for a long time (I was at the beginning of our relationship, but that was me being crazy, which will happen from time to time, haha)--but for some reason, now that we''re married, I am CRAZY jealous again. It''s nothing that DH is doing (poor guy)--I just get super paranoid in my own mind that he''s going to get tired of me...like the whole "ball and chain," even though I''m no more (or less) of a ball and chain than I ever was before, and DH doesn''t say he sees me that way.

Also, now every little dispute I have with him drives me up the wall because I''m so terrified of being a statistic. Haha--I''m sure that being a matrimonial lawyer doesn''t help.

How about you ladies? How have you felt about your first months of wedded bliss? Good? Uneasy?

(I feel like I''m gonna get some flaming answers here about how I have a lousy relationship, but I guess I''m setting myself up for that. I don''t think I do have a lousy relationship, but I''ve found that being married has made me soooo much more neurotic than I''ve been in a long, long time.)

 

[elrohwen]

I think, like you, I've started analyzing my relationship far more than before. If we bicker, or I get frustrated at him, etc I will stop and think about it for a minute and I'd be lying if I didn't say some little part of me wonders "Is this ok? This is ok, right?" Haha. So I would say things haven't been hard necessarily, or even all that different, but I think about things a lot more than I used to. It's probably a good thing though - I think the more you think about your relationship and make a conscious effort to nuture it, the better it's going to be. I just have to make sure I turn the semi-irrational thoughts into good ways to make us stronger.

And I certainly won't blast your relationship! I think don't think you mentioned anything out of the ordinary for what typical couples might go through. I would just work on the jealousy thing - since you recognize it and have gotten over it before, I think you'll be fine.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I feel like the stakes are higher now that we're married (and certainly now that there's a LO in the picture). We fight very rarely so I don't think we do it effectively at all. Now when we have fights I get really freaked out whereas before I could brush them off and get over them. It could be hormones though. I feel like we've fought more in the last two months since getting pregnant than in our entire 4 year relationship. So yea I guess married life in some ways is more difficult (more emotional definitely). But to me the positives far outweigh the bumps.

 

[Octavia]

I hear you, alli. My DH and I were together about the same amount of time as you and your DH when we got married, and had been living together for about the same amount of time, too. But things definitely changed, subtly, after we got married. I don''t have any jealousy issues, but I have had a hard time adapting to the role of "wife" -- I don''t know whether it''s just me disliking the traditional aspects attached to being a wife, but I''ve had a much harder time doing things I always did before without really thinking too much about it. Cooking, cleaning, laundry...all of these things now feel like a horrible chore and it bothers me almost irrationally when DH doesn''t chip in. I often feel like DH assumes that since I''m the wife, I''ll take care of everything. Not so. Some of it is cultural, but I also think both our attitudes have shifted a bit since we got married, his more toward the traditional and mine in the opposite direction. For the most part, I love being married, but I have to say that I really dislike being a wife. Something we''ve got to work on, for sure.

It also didn''t help that about 2.5 months after the wedding, DH had to go away for a little over a month. I''m used to being apart for that length of time -- it''s happened about twice a year since we''ve been together -- but it wasn''t particularly good timing.

Uneasy is a good way to describe the first few months. I think it will get better, but I just wanted to let you know that you''re definitely not alone in feeling a bit neurotic.

 

[JSM]

I think you ladies have a good point. I was ready to come in here and say, "sure, the first year was the hardest, but that was due to outside factors rather than a change in our relationship."

While I still stand by that, our relationship has definitely changed. Not for better OR worse, it's just different. I feel a lot more responsible for his well being, I cook a lot more for sure (or maybe that's just me trying to have some control in these changing times!), and we are in general more stressed out and worried about the 'future'. We talk more about saving money for a home and children and a dog, rather than going out to eat or visiting friends.

I also worry more about what my MIL thinks of me, which is funny, because before we were married I didn't care at all!

(she likes me, but it wouldn't have bothered me if she didn't, but now it REALLY would!)

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I''ve only been married for 6 months (yay, us!) but I feel much more "stable" in our relationship.

I think it was different for me because DH had kids from his previous marriage and I had moved into "his" house and I felt that I went much more into "his" world than he came into "mine." Now that we are married, I''ve changed my name to theirs and I am on the deed to the house, we have updated our insurance policies so that we are each other''s beneficiaries, and we updated our will''s as well. Now, I definitely feel much more like it''s "our" world instead of "his" and "mine."

That has definitely improved my sense of "where are we going?" and I no longer see each fight as a potential "deal-breaker" the way that I did when we were dating or engaged. Back then, any fight could potentially be the one where we walked away. Now we would have to go through so much to undo what is done, that I don''t freak out over a fight about the dishes or whether the Boy Scout organization is out to get me or not.

As far as the jealousy, I''ve always been jealous by nature, but I am also inclined to believe that it is much more vanity on my side than an actual belief that he would find anyone more attractive than me. I don''t know if that makes sense, but I''ve always been much more the type to think, "How dare she flirt with MY man!" than, "Why is he looking at her!? Does he want her more than me? Is she prettier?, etc."

Anyhow, I don''t know if any of that made sense or not, but I would suggest that you not beat yourself up about it. I have always heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest, also. But we can only do our best and try to defy the odds, right?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I struggled with independence issues the first year of marriage. Everybody said that marriage would be the same as living together and we''d done that for 6 years, but it wasn''t the same for me. My husband loved being a husband (and he was the one who wasn''t sure if he wanted marriage) while I found the role of "wife" to be more daunting. I felt the "ball and chain" weight that you describe because I knew he was legally bound to me and couldn''t leave in an afternoon if he desired.

For me, getting to the bottom of WHY I was so afraid was critical. You seem to recognize that you are afraid--afraid of being a "ball and chain", afraid of being a "statistic". I think you have to figure out why it is that you are so afraid of those things. Are you just being irrational? Is there a reason you feel this way (I''m assuming that he hasn''t expressed that he''s bored or anything along those lines)

In my case I realized that I could spend many more months wrestling with the title of "wife'' or I could embrace it and be the best wife I could be. When I did that, I stopped trying to prove my independence and in the process I became a better partner. We each have our own journeys and I do think that getting married can be a catalyst for some underlying issues that may have been buried.

 

[cakeny]

I understand where you are coming from, Alli_esq. My now (almost) first year of marriage has been ALL of that at different times- blissful, comfortable, emotional, stressful, and sometimes yes, uneasy. For me, I feel like there's just more at stake and the finality of it all sometimes freaks me out. Part of what keeps me going is knowing he still feels as lucky to have me as I do to have him. I don't think I could handle being paranoid about that and as long as the bliss and the comfort outweigh the other stuff, I'm willing to keep on trying this marriage thing.

 

[noelwr]

sorry, I can''t relate because DH and I first discussed if either of us expected anything to change after the wedding, and we both said we wanted everything to stay absolutely the same, which it has so far in our first 5 months of marriage.

I don''t know about the jealousy thing, but do want to share my approach to household activities with anyone else who is suffering from having to do everything. here is how our discussion usually goes:

Me: Honey, will you please take out the trash?
Him: Ugh... don''t wanna.
Me: That''s ok. You are then left with the choice of cooking, laundry or washing dishes.
Him: I''ll take out the trash.

We don''t get into an argument, and he doesn''t focus on the one thing I''m asking him, but realizes that there are a lot of other things that I am kept very busy with and I need his help.

 

[rhbgirl24]

I think things have changed for us within these couple of months after marriage. We were together 12 years, and lived together 5 before getting married, but now its final, no matter what. Not that I didn''t think it was before, but just seems to be more at stake now. When we have an argument I have to know we''re OK afterwards, probably just insecurity on my part, which shouldn''t be there, but is.
Also I think the house hunting adds a lot of stress! We have very different ideas on many things so we have to talk a lot of it out. It balances us, but can be frustrating.

 

[radiantquest]

I guess I am the only one that has a different point of view. Since we got married we are closer and more united. I know that it sounds crazy, but we are more in love now than we ever were dating and we dated a while. We handle things as a team and we really dont fight. We are both really good at letting it go. For instance I was pissy last night when I got home and we had a small spat about nothing. Then we walked up to me with a little pretzel with a melted hersheys kiss on it and an m&m shoved in the hersheys kiss and it was obviously over. We both have the mentality of til death do us part and I think that helps us get over things quick and not worry. I know that within a couple minutes that little disagreement will be water under the bridge and unless it is a huge deal then to just let it go. I know what you mean about worrying though. When we were dating every time we had a diagreement I would wonder if he was getting tired of me and if it was just the first step towards the end. I guess I think that if we start to get tired of each other one of us will take a vacation and get away and come back with a fresh new perspective. As far as the chores go I completely understand. Before when I washed his clothes and cleaned up after him I wanted to do it because I felt like I was helping him, now that I feel it is expected of me I don''t like it and make him help when I never did before.

 

[alli_esq]

First of all, thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. It really helps to hear that I am not alone, and that other people (whether it is rational or irrational) have been through a similar flood of feelings.

elrohwen: yes, I find myself really questioning every little thing now...I am an overly analytical person as it is on SO many issues, and so detail oriented...and part of me actually thinks that now that I don''t have a wedding to obsess over (which, as lovely as it was, I am quite happy is behind me--I drove myself a bit nuts on that front!), I am now obsessing needlessly about my relationship. I think you are absolutely right about nurturing my relationship--I need to make more of a conscious effort on that front. Hopefully that will make me feel better.

Hudson: ohhh yeah--it''s that the stakes are so much higher. We do argue a lot (a lot of playful fighting, but we do disagree on things like most people do), so you''d think we''d be better at it, haha. I mean, our knock-down-drag-outs are MUCH rarer these past of couple of years, and the normal everyday disagreements are easier to deal with now, but the fighting isn''t even really the issue for me. It''s the day-to-day stuff, where I''m afraid he''s going to think of me as being a nagging PITA. I mean, I don''t think I nag so much, but the man is almost 33 years-old, and he refuses to get a haircut. Is it so wrong that when his sideburns are like standing out 2 inches from his face that I ask (no, BEG him) to go to the damn barber??? ::sigh:: see my problem?

Octavia: (love that stone in your avatar, btw!) I know what you mean about the role-thing. I hate the idea of him taking me for granted. It must be so difficult to spend so much time apart, especially right after getting married. I wish you and your hubby well!

jsm: hahaha, luckily I''ve never cared what MIL thinks of me (his parents are the most hands-off people I''ve ever met--they don''t even call DH on his birthday), but I can imagine that being stressful! It''s your family now, right? That''s a big change!

wannaBMrsH: see, I feel like each fight is MORE of a potential deal-breaker than ever. Like, now it''s like, "am I going to have to leave him over this issue??? is he going to leave me???" I don''t know why--that wasn''t how I used to see these things, and how strange that I do now... I agree that marriage (and relationships in general) are hard work, and I am up for the challenge--I just hope that I don''t psych myself out.

NEL: Thanks so much for sharing your perspective. I don''t know how much of this is a "role" thing and how much of it is just good ol'' fashioned neuroticism. I don''t know where this craziness is coming from exactly...it''s just that I can so easily picture him feeling tired of me. I mean, he has been SO stressed out with work these last several months (really, he''s always stressed with work, but there have been massive layoffs this past year and he is constantly in fear of losing his job now), and he has told me that if he is cranky or distant then it''s because of that. But who can differentiate? His job is so much of his life, but so am I.

I try to make things fun and lighthearted at home when he feels so down, but sometimes the stress I''m feeling gets the better of me and I end up just throwing my hands up and telling him that I need more affection than he''s giving me. He tells me I''m so ridiculous because he IS very affectionate already, but I''m used to more--he says he spoiled me, hahaha...but I think I SHOULD be spoiled in that regard!!

Also, as I mentioned, I am a matrimonial lawyer, so I''m constantly bombarded with the worst of the worst divorce stories, and they are rather scary. I know that if we were to get divorced at some point, we wouldn''t be as irrational as so many of the people I see (plus we have no assets to argue over, hahaha!), but even so, it''s hard not to put myself into my clients'' shoes, especially so close to having gotten married myself.

I definitely like the idea of focusing my energy on being the best wife possible. Nothing is as exciting to me as when he tells me how happy he is that he has "the best partner."

cakeny: that is a really lovely sentiment; I think we both do feel very lucky to have one another, and I think I need to focus on that positive concept more often. thank you for sharing that

noelwr: I don''t think that it is possible for us to be "the same" as we were before we got married. I''m sure some of it is the fact that I''m in the process of changing my name (about which I feel surprisingly sluggish--but I guess that says something about me), and that we''re still trying to figure out how we''re going to work money (another issue--I have tremendous law school debt and an iffy income right now, so he is reluctant to take on my debt)...

We don''t argue about chores--I just assume that I do mostly everything besides take out the trash, and if I ask him to take out the trash, he just does it, and all that is fine with me because he''s a lousy cleaner, and he doesn''t complain about the job I do (smart man, haha!)

rhbgirl24: Yes, yes, yes, more "final"...and I DO need to hear that we''re "okay" after a fight...which he is not usually up for... Good luck with your house hunting! It''s a buyer''s market out there!

 

[alli_esq]

radiantquest: haha, you posted while I was writing my novel

your perspective is what I expected from my relationship with my husband...we have been extremely close ever since we first started dating, but I expected to reach a new level of "family" with him. I never expected to love him more, per se (I don''t know that that would be possible...I''m a big fan of his, haha!), but I expected to feel more tightly bound (in a great way) to him. Right now, it just seems like added expectations and stress, but I hope to come to a point with him where I feel secure, as you do.

 

[elrohwen]

I think it's interesting that some women here feel more secure after marriage, while others feel more uneasy. It's just funny how there are two very opposite viewpoints!

I think my uneasiness comes from having to think so far ahead. When we were just dating, even when we were living together, I never thought more than 1-3 years into the future. Now I have to think 10 years into the future when we'll have kids, a house, etc. It's kind of overwhelming! It's exciting, but it also makes me think I need to be a great wife so we happily make it for the next 10 years and I think that's where the pressure comes in for me.

 

[somethingshiny]

I was very jealous when DH and I were dating and engaged. I was young and I''m sure that had something to do with it. However, as soon as he said "I do" I was fine. We had discussed at length what marriage meant to us and what possibilities would cause an end to our marriage. I wasn''t worried about him leaving because I knew that our marriage meant enough to him to protect.

That being said, the first year of marriage was difficult in that we had to learn to get along 24-7. We only lived together for about 6 weeks before the wedding so we had a lot to learn. We got into some hellacious fights and I really had to learn ways to control my temper. Still, through the plate throwing and yelling, I wasn''t worried that it would be an end to our marriage.

The harder times for us were those of financial difficulty and definitely the first year of having a child.

I think the first year is the time to figure out how you want your life to be. Then implement the necessary changes. DH and I figured out HOW to fight during that year and WHEN to back down along with many other things. We had to implement more changes during the first year of raising a child together.

 

[zoebartlett]

I think your thoughts sound totally normal Alli!

I actually think the hardest year for us (well me anyway) was when we moved in together permanently over a year before getting engaged. That was a hard time because we went from going to each other''s houses when we wanted to (and knowing that we could return home if needed) to being together ALL the time. That was really hard for me. I''ll admit that at times I was probably looking for an escape. Things not going well? That''s okay, I can go home and not deal with it. That was how I thought before we moved in together, and that totally changed when we did take that next step. It took a lot for me to get used to many things, and I had to learn how to compromise more. Honestly, I''m still learning.

It wasn''t the first year of our marriage that was the hardest, although there were some stressors that year. My husband was laid off 4 months after our wedding, and we had to move to another part of the country, far away from friends/family, when he finally did get a new job 6 months later. The way we handle job searching is SO different, and it was really hard to sit back and let him do it his way when I KNEW my way was so much better. Yeah, I have some control issues.

My husband and I are really like night and day in so many ways, and we often comment that we''re amazed we''re still together after 6.5 years. We truly love each other though and we''re a good support system for one another.

Anyway, I think it''s perfectly normal not to have everything be rosy all the time.

 

[purrfectpear]

It''s your occupation Ali.

If you did nothing but spend ten hours a day working on airline crash litigation, you would be less secure about flying than the average person. If you litigated automobile issues, you''d wonder every morning if your car was going to fall apart.

All day long all you hear are people dragging up every nit picky thing their spouse ever did to them. They rarely speak of the good times. How could you NOT see marriage as fragile and unpredictable, when you realize that every person sitting in your office ranting about their spouse was once in love just as you are?

 

[taovandel]

I think this first year of marriage has actually been pretty easy for us--which is odd because we got married and had a baby all within 4 months of eachother! You''d think that high stress would kill the relationship. Maybe it''s making up for the few months where we had some issues when we were dating.

We''ve been married 8 months and the other day my husband just looked at me and was like, "It sees like we just got married! I can''t believe it''s been 8 months." It''s just crazy how fast it''s gone by.

I''m thinking that having two huge events in one year---really made us more united and we learned to work together.

 

[goldenstar]

We''re closing in on one year and we''ve definitely had our share of bumps in the road. A lot of it stems from the fact that we started living together for the first time right before the wedding. Its been interesting trying to figure out how to share the same space. Our relationship has been evolving as well, partly because of all the "face time" we now have and partly because we know that we are in this for good. Things have been going more smoothly as the months have passed and I''m looking forward to what the future will bring. Working out the kinks is bringing us closer together.

 

[dcgator]

I think its so interesting to hear all the ladies varying opinions and experiences. I guess no one can pigeon whole the first year for any of us, lol!

As for my experience, I think it was very unique and one very few people on this site share, save Sailorsweet and a few others. My husband was deployed 3 weeks after our honeymoon and was gone for 4 months. So, in that way, our marriage was extrememly difficult in the first few months.

We had already been living together for about 1.5 years before marriage, so the whole experience was so anti-climatic and unsettling. I felt that we were finally married and it was time to enjoy our "new life" together, and then he up and went away. I had this horrible feeling of duplicity between trying to be self sufficient while he was gone and wanting so much for him to come back so we could get on with the whole husband and wife thing. It was more difficult for me the first month he was gone, but then it got a little bit easier as I found that balance.

After he came back, I would say that marriage is GREAT!

Once he got back, I wanted to be with him all the time and enjoy my husband. We went through a few weeks/months of basking in the newlywed glow and just being husband and wife. After getting through the holidays, we were able to finally have some normalcy in our marriage and have found that feeling similar to what radiantquest described, as more united or connected. Our love seems so much stronger now, if that even makes sense.

Now that we have been married for just over 8 months, I can officially say that we have spent more time together as a married couple than apart. The whole experience give me a really unique persepective of him and our marriage. It allowed me to appreciate and understand him. Now, when I see/notice little things that he does that might annoy me, I kinda just tell my self to get over it and appreciate that he is around to do them. I also don''t take him for granted, especially when it comes to having help around the house,

.

So, yes, the first half of the year of marriage was really tough, but the second part of it has more than made up for it. I think the lesson learned here is that you are two different people but through love, you have chosen to share eachother''s lives. That doesn''t mean you abandon yourself or who you are, but rather you create a synergy with your partner. Let their strenghts compliment your weaknesses and vice versa. And most importantly, don''t sweat the small stuff! When you are married, you will probably notice little things you didn''t before, but just roll with it. It''s a lot better to have your partner with whatever "flaws" they may have than to not be able to share all their great qualities that made you fall in love with them.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Ali- I''m just getting to this thread now, but as you know, you''re definitely not alone if feeling that marriage is difficult! I bet your occupation has a lot to do with your feelings, but as the reality of attempting life-long commitment sets in, some stress and anxiety is bound to follow.

I feel that I''ve become more nit-picky since DH & I got married. Little stuff gets to me & I''m less skilled at sensoring what comes out of my mouth. I get frustrated and admittedly think, "Oh my gosh. Can I do this for the rest of my LIFE?!"... then I lash out... then I think, "Oh my gosh. I DO want to do this for the rest of my life, but I''m going to ruin our marriage. How can he stand me and my crazyness?!" All sorts of neuroticness.

Don''t get me wrong: I love my husband, want to be with him & do not plan on leaving him or being untrue BUT I''m more freaked out about commitment now than I was before we got hitched. These issues surfaced only after we tied the knot and definitely interfere with our "newlywed bliss" (which is a pretty rare feeling, not to say that we fight all the time, either). What helps me overcome feelings of uneasyness is to talk to DH about why I''m acting crazy and feeling tense, and without fail it restores feelings of excitement, romance & unity.

It sounds like you and your DH communicate regularly- just keep it up and you guys will be fine

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/11/2010 6:08:04 PM
Author: wannaBMrsH
I've only been married for 6 months (yay, us!) but I feel much more 'stable' in our relationship.

Agreed.

We actually went that opposite way, and feel so much more at ease now that we are married. Don't get me wrong, I don't "slack off" relationship wise, but whereas when we were dating and engaged I always wondered if he would leave one day or after a fight, I'm not worried about what thing will cause him to walk away.

Actually, being engaged was the hardest part of our entire relationship. I felt like everything during that time was a "test" to whether or not we would last as a married couple. It was a lot of stress and pressure that I felt was on us the entire year. I am so relieved to be past that, that marriage has been bliss for us.

Ali- I think it has ALOT to do with what you do on a daily basis. That would drive me crazy!

 

[vespergirl]

Alli, I think that the first year is hardest for most couples, but for different reasons. We had a lot of major life changes that happened within our first year of marriage that are a lot for any couple to weather one at a time, but we did them all within a few months - right after our wedding, DH started an extremely competitive executive MBA program while continuing his stressful & demanding full-time job - a few months after that we bought a house together, then a few months later we had our first baby - so, he was gone most evenings and weekends studying, and gone all day at work, while I was managing a new home & infant at the same time. I also quit my job when I had the baby, which did free up a lot of time & took away a lot of stress, but at the same time I was totally isolated at home with a newborn - we had no friends that were married, never mind with kids, and our families were all far away. Basically my first year of marriage was learning how to be a single parent

However, DH was around as much as he physically could be, and when he was present, he totally took over with the baby so that I could have a break. Plus, the MBA program took only two years, and he more than doubled his salary once he got the degree, so it turned out to be very worthwhile for our family, even though it was stressful for everyone while he worked on it.

Regarding the emotional stuff, I have to say that getting married really solidified our relationship - once we made that commitment, I don''t think that either of us felt insecure about the choice or ever worried about it. If anything, it made our relationship feel rock-solid. Also, neither of us are jealous or possessive people, so neither of us has ever worried about the other cheating or anything.

However, every couple has different issues and experiences, so if that''s what you''re worried about, then maybe you could address those feelings & try to figure out why you''re feeling that way, and use it as a growth experience for you & DH. Marriage is about being respectful of each others feelings and needs, so maybe you can help each other work past those feelings, as unfounded as they may be.