Fight with FI -- help me gain some perspective

[lilylover]

An issue has come up with me and FI that has come up time and time again throughout our relationship.

Him and I are extremely busy. We don''t live together. I am doing my student teaching this semester so am at the school 5 days a week all day. He works full time and goes to school two nights a week. I don''t see him at all on Mon/Wed, and only see him for an hour or two over dinner on Tue/Thur. We don''t get to see one another much until the weekend. Even then, we don''t see one another till the afternoon or evening because during the day is his only time to work on his car and motorcycle, etc.

Here''s where the problem is: I feel like he doesn''t prioritize his time so that him and I can spend as much time as possible together. I make sure that whatever else I have going on falls on a day that I wouldn''t be seeing him anyway, so that the days where he is free are free by me as well so we can spend time together. Take today for example. It''s 1pm. He''s been working on his car all morning and is now leaving with a friend and his dad to go to a gun show event. After that he is going to spend the evening/night with his dad. So, I won''t see him at all today and not until the the evening tomorrow because, of course, he is out instead of staying in and doing his homework, so he''ll have to do his homework tomorrow.

I understand that I am not the only person in his life, but it frustrates me to no end that I am always the one that gets pushed aside so that he can spend time with other people. I feel like I am the only one he ever turns down. It''s like he knows that I am not going anywhere so it''s okay to push me aside and make me upset, because eventually I will get over it and everything will be fine.

It happens pretty frequently. Usually I get mad and one of two things either happens. Either nothing changes or he gives in and cancels with whomever, but neither outcomes make either one of us happy. Why would I want to have to fight with someone to spend time with me, you know?

I am not really sure what I asking for here, I just needed to get that off my chest and maybe some of you can help me make some sense of this. Sigh.

 

[ficklefaye]

oh lilylover, i''m sorry to hear about your situation, my FI was like this before we moved in together, we had several arguments about how i felt i was forcing him to spend time with me, but we had a very long conversation one night and i think it really hit him, that he was taking me for granted

we got better at working out our schedules, making sure we could still do what we wanted but spend time with each other, eventually FI moved in with me, so i knew he was really in it for the long haul

it''s a long commute to work, but he wanted to show how committed he was to me, hopefully he finds a job locally soon

but i''m just wondering, do you think FI will change after you move in together and get married? that maybe he is trying to spend as much time with everyone else because he thinks after you are married that he won''t see them as much? just a thought.

 

[sonnyjane]

Lily- your post said you were asking for perspective, so I''ll see if I can give you a bit

No, I don''t think anyone should have to force their SO to spend time with them, but that isn''t exactly what I think is happening in your case. It seems that you both have very busy schedules, and that you both have a difficult time finding time to do things that you like.

I used to be this way with my husband. He is in the military, so I already only see him about 6 months out of the year. When he is home, I only see him a few hours a day, and I used to get furious when he would go to the gym for 2 of those few hours every night. I''d also get mad when he would work on his car, etc. Then, during a talk about the problem, I realized that all of my nagging didn''t really make me a fun person to want to be around anyway. We try to plan dates now, as in "Okay, Tuesday night let''s have dinner together" or "Let''s do a movie Thursday". It''s not exactly romantic, but it definitely works. You have to understand that you are marrying this person, and will, essentially, have your entire life with each other, so I had to realize that bickering about 2 hours or so was pretty stupid. Now I actually relish the time that I have to myself, and use it to go shopping, take a nice long bath, watch horrible reality television, or go out for drinks with my girlfriends. I would hate it if my DH was complaining about me going off and doing the things I wanted to do, so I now understand better why he needs his alone time to decompress after he''s had a hard day or week as well.

In summary, I don''t think it is anything personal. He asked you to marry him, so clearly he wants to spend time with you! It just doesn''t have to be ALL the time, and personally, I think relationships are healthiest when both parties have separate individual lives - it makes the time that is spent together more special.

 

[gwendolyn]

Maybe part of it is that he expects you to always be available during weekends, so he doesn''t know what it''s like for you to not be available then, so he takes it for granted that you''ll be there. I would be tempted to not go out of my way to do stuff on the days when you wouldn''t see him anyway and get involved in doing some things without him so that it''s not so lopsided between you. That way, you''ll be doing fun things on your own and not resenting him for leaving you behind, and maybe he will get a taste of how it feels to be the one left out of things for once, possibly making him more aware to prioritize time with you.

 

[tropiqalkiwi]

It sounds like you guys would benefit from having more formal dates. I would talk with him and say you would really like to spend saturday evening with him, say 4-10pm and then have both of you write it down in your calendars and have him treat it like a date. Of course maybe he will have to say no I can''t come over that evening, but it would be a way to make sure you get the time you need with him, and then that way you know in advance when he isn''t free so you can make other plans to do the other things you like.

You could also ask him to make more of an effort by saying something like, "I miss spending time with you and really want you to take me out to dinner at least once per weekend" or whatever activity works for you folks. Then have him work out the date and time.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/20/2009 6:25:14 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Maybe part of it is that he expects you to always be available during weekends, so he doesn''t know what it''s like for you to not be available then, so he takes it for granted that you''ll be there. I would be tempted to not go out of my way to do stuff on the days when you wouldn''t see him anyway and get involved in doing some things without him so that it''s not so lopsided between you. That way, you''ll be doing fun things on your own and not resenting him for leaving you behind, and maybe he will get a taste of how it feels to be the one left out of things for once, possibly making him more aware to prioritize time with you.

Ditto this. It sounds like he is absolutely taking you for granted and part of the problem is probably you always being available when he feels like spending time with you.

 

[Luckyeshe]

Date: 9/20/2009 10:09:28 AM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 9/20/2009 6:25:14 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Maybe part of it is that he expects you to always be available during weekends, so he doesn''t know what it''s like for you to not be available then, so he takes it for granted that you''ll be there. I would be tempted to not go out of my way to do stuff on the days when you wouldn''t see him anyway and get involved in doing some things without him so that it''s not so lopsided between you. That way, you''ll be doing fun things on your own and not resenting him for leaving you behind, and maybe he will get a taste of how it feels to be the one left out of things for once, possibly making him more aware to prioritize time with you.

Ditto this. It sounds like he is absolutely taking you for granted and part of the problem is probably you always being available when he feels like spending time with you.

I agree. IMHO, you should go and try to schedule an official date time with him as posted above, but if he cancels on you, make plans to go do something for yourself, like be with the girls, or art class, or whatever other interest you have. If someone cancels on him and then he calls you, tell him you already have plans. I understand you want to spend time with him, but if it''s truly one sided, how fun is that? When you''re busy and have your own separate thing going without him in the picture, he''ll realize what he''s missing out on by not spending time with you. Being taken for granted isn''t great so if he can''t make time for you, then do something you''d enjoy doing by yourself or with your girlfriends.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Sorry you're fighting with the FI, that's never fun, but at least you guys are talking about it and communicating! Hopefully you'll reach a compromise that makes you both happy.
When he does cancel and stay with you on the weekend, is he doing that because he understands how important it is to you? Or is he just doing it to avoid trouble? It's possible he's taking you for granted, or maybe he just doesn't see anything wrong with spending time with other people on the weekend too, what reasons does he give you to why he makes plans when he knows you want to hang out? Maybe you two just have different ideas of how much time together is "enough" time?

Would it be possible to just go with him when he hangs out with other people or works on his car? For example, go with him and his buddies to the gun show in the afternoon, and in then have a nice romantic evening? Or if he really loves working on cars, maybe spend a little time helping him out and talking with him in the garage (assuming it's not a lot of really loud work)?

 

[charbie]

it sounds to me like you both have a ton going on in life in general right now!

i''d have a talk with him and even try to find some activities you can do as a pair. FI and i started making time for a bowling league, volleyball team, and softball team- its great because we are hanging out with our friends, but also hanging out together.

i think you two are just incredibly busy- betweens school and work, there isn''t a whole lot of time for "me" time, and it looks like he just wants to unwind from his hectic schedule. don''t take it personally, and just think of all of the benefits that will come once he''s done with school and you''ve finished student teaching. plus you''ll live together!

 

[choro72]

lilylover, we have EXACTLY the same living situation, and we''re legally married! I completely understand what you mean. We don''t even see each other during the week so we only see each other on the weekends.

Here is what I''ve learned about about men. Women tend to think that when we don''t see enough of our significant other, we need to do pour all of our spare time into each other. Anything else come second. Men want to cram not only you, but their hobbies and other lives into their spare times.
You have dinner together twice a week and on the weekends. That''s completely enough for FI. My FI actually admitted to me that he doesn''t feel like he needs to put in any more time for us because we talk on the phone every day! Because you put so much effort into scheduling your duties to match his, he IS taking you for granted because you are doing all the work for him. Your FI might even enjoy putting more work into the relationship if he had to, like my FI admitted.

During the week, my FI is working, working, working, and that''s all that''s in his mind. For your case, your FI is studying, working, and that''s it. You even see each other during the week, and my FI would call that "disruptive" to his schedule. Men are not built to focus on more than one thing at a time.
After a hectic week, all they want to do on the weekend is to release all of that into their hobbies. All my FI wants to do on the weekend is program, take care of his house, and sleep, sleep, sleep. From a man''s perspective, this is their weekend time, and us women are added on top of that. They have no concept of downgrading their leisure activities and putting us in that spot.

I have cried, yelled, and nagged at FI that I feel pushed aside. I''m his fiancee for crying out loud, doesn''t he understand that I should be more important than his stupid programming?
The trouble is, men have no concept of "adjusting" their schedule to fit you, and they are even resentful that they have to change anything just because they are going to get married.

Okay, enough blabbing about how a man''s brain work. Is there any way you can do some of your FI together? For example, can you join FI for the gun show? My sister joins her boyfriend''s motorcycling to take pictures for him.
Or, can you join your FI to hang out with his dad for the evening? Or you can bargain with him that if he goes to a gun show, then he will spend the night time with you?
Or, if you have absolutely no interest in joining him, then can you start your own thing? FI worked for 9 hours yesterday on a Saturday, so I spent the day working and picking up my old hobbies that I left off.
Or, maybe you can make your own plans with your friends, and FI can join you if he wants to?
Another method might be to choose a weekend or two out of the month that MUST be spent together. Or a day of the week, whatever works for you.

I don''t think living together or getting married is going to change anything. If I learned anything from my FI''s brain, then living together would mean that we sleep in the same bed, and therefore less inclined to put more relationship time!

===================================

I just thought of another example. When I was growing up, my dad worked from 5AM to 12AM. I didn''t even know that my dad lived in our house. I always waved at the door "bye daddy! Come visit us again on the weekend!"
I remember on the weekends we always went for a picnic, cycling, swimming, camping, tennis, or basketball or something like that. My mom has NO interest in these things. My mom can''t ride a bike, swim, hike, or do any physical activities. Her idea of a weekend is going to a live theater, art museum, traveling, meeting people, something cultural.

Now I look back, I understand that what must have happened. Even if my mom hated those kind of activities, if she was going to spend any time with my dad she had better come along to the mountain climbing + picnic, or learn to ride a bike, or at least learn a breast stroke. My dad on the other hand never left her behind. It must have been frustrating for him to be slowed down when climbing the mountain, but he never complained.
Sometimes it will be too much for my mom, so she will sit and watch us ride our bikes with our dad, but at least she was there at the playground.

Also, sometimes my dad would miraculously have an extended holiday. My mom will go ahead and plan a family vacation overseas. When my mom asked where he wanted to go, my dad would reply "Canoeing!", and my mom would promptly ignore that. My mom booked all the shows, planned which art gallery to visit, researched all the visiting spots. My dad never complained. He consistently fell asleep during an opera, but at least he was with my mom and us kids. He pretend to admire a historical building, but he made the best of it and goof off climbing up the statue at the MGM Grand.

I''m sorry I wrote so much. I think in the end, what would help most is to put aside your frustration and focus more on what you can do together. I know it''s hard, but telling my FI that I feel pushed aside, or even disrespected, did NOT phase him at all. He retorted back that if he had to put aside his weekend activities, he would feel that his needs are unimportant.

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/20/2009 11:08:13 AM
Author: charbie

i think you two are just incredibly busy- betweens school and work, there isn''t a whole lot of time for ''me'' time, and it looks like he just wants to unwind from his hectic schedule. don''t take it personally, and just think of all of the benefits that will come once he''s done with school and you''ve finished student teaching. plus you''ll live together!

That''s what I was going to say-it just sounds like you''re both so busy. D and I are a bit like that at the moment although we''re married and living together so we do get to see each other first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It just sounds like he wants some time to himself at the weekends and unwind. I don''t think it''s anything personal-I go to the gym and meet friends every saturday and D has been out fishing all day today. It''s hard trying to fit in work, college, friends, relationships and some me-time. Maybe meet up with some of your friends on saturdays and have brunch while he''s working on his car.

 

[lilylover]

Thank you all SO much for giving me some perspective. It helped a lot.

FI and I ended up talking it out and he (all on his own!) rescheduled with his dad and we ended up spending the evening together with some friends and all had a great time! We are both so busy, I definitely need to know that it''ll all pay off and it''s almost over!


I forget sometimes that men and women truly are different human beings and are needs and wants are different from one another! We both just need to be more considerate sometimes.

 

[cara]

I don''t think its strictly a man/woman thing. My hubby was the one that wanted to spend every last available minute with me when we were first dating (long distance) so those were precious moments and I felt smothered at times, or at the very least like I was torn between him and losing connections to other people that were also important. Also I was used to being very independent and not consulting with other people about my schedule. He was raised with attentive parents that wanted to know where he was every half hour, I was raised with parents that wouldn''t get too worried when they didn''t know where I was because I was probably OK and had probably told them at some point where I was at the moment but they forgot. I was used to doing what I wanted when I wanted without really having tabs kept or anyone saying I should be spending more time with them, even someone I loved and wanted to spend a fair bit of time. Definitely things got easier when we started living together, but still there was and is still a lot of compromise on both parts involved...

IMO some people here are verging on papering over and minimizing what can be a big problem later on. It might be that you will have less of these conflicts later because being married and living together will give you more overlap, or that something will click and you and your FI will start communicating and scheduling better. But if you have had this fight repeatedly, that is kind of a warning sign to you both. You are having the same fight so the problem is still there, but haven''t changed your behaviors sufficiently to make the problem go away. Some people are just going to be incompatible in this regard, there are spouses that never really stop acting like single people and it *can* be a big problem, especially when the spouses are not on the same page.

The concrete advice sounds best to me... scheduling more formal date nights so that you know when to make your own plans and when you can expect him not to take you for granted. But also transitioning to an expectation that he will actually consult you before scheduling something during X hours which are "your" time.

For example, he gets Sat. morning to do what he wants without consulting you but Sat afternoon is established as your date time... so you and he should both assume that you will be doing something together. If he gets an invite to something then, he can either invite you along if you want to go or (rarely) ask you if its OK to reschedule but the important part that he consult you, consider that you have reserved this time for him, and not take advantage of your availability. Basically this is getting him to do what you have been doing - protecting that time for the two of you.

Just for reference, this is kind of how our dinners work now that we are married but with no kids... We assume we will be eating together unless prior plans are made. If a friend invites one of us out, we will usually check to see if our spouse can come and then call said spouse to confirm the plan. Sure, if someone has a work dinner come up or has to work late then we call and discuss that we will eat separately that night, but the *assumption* is that that is our time.

Then you have to sit back and watch him. Does he respect your time once the system is in place? Does he still cancel on you at the last minute 3x a month to hang with the boys? Do you feel better with the system - knowing he may not be spending as much time with you as you like, but at least it is clear when you do your own thing and when you can count on him to show up? Etc. This isn''t just about love, many people start off loving one another deeply but the relationship goes wrong by many different routes.

 

[TooPatient]

I''m not engaged yet. Still waiting. But FF and I have lived together for 4 years now, been together for 5 1/2+ and friends longer.

He used to work on his car (got a new one with a warranty and instructions to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING). He''s also got airplanes.
One especially that he was fixing up. The regular maintenance on this thing was pretty impressive AND he was trying to re-do the interior. He''d be at the airport durring the day with a mechanic and then do his computer work until late at night. Or do his computer stuff (his job) durring the day and then head to the airport in the evenings until 10:00 or later almost daily. Not to mention weekends.

My solution -- I got interested in airplanes.
I''d ask about what was going on, show interest in the fabric, go WITH him to pick out the fabric, etc.
I even started going to the airport with him. Much of the time I was just sitting, but at least we were together. I made sure to ask about the tools (what is it called, what does it do, how is it used) so he could have me hand him stuff. He actually likes having me with him because it is easier than having to get out from under stuff to get a tool himself.
We get a chance to talk in the car. I can get him a cup of tea. I can hold stuff while he screws it into place.


Started out as boring and frustrating but once he got used to me being there, we both enjoy it. Good chance to talk and work together on something.