Wedding Fiance wants to by house instead of big wedding !

[NewEnglandLady]

If I received an STD in the mail and then found out that the couple decided to use the money towards a house instead of a wedding, I''d say "smart couple!"

If I really had my heart set on attending a destination wedding, I could always just go to that city myself without attending a wedding, you know? With the wedding 9 months away, I''d be surprised if anybody has made plans.

 

[cara]

But what if the bride and groom merely cut the wedding size in half and I didn''t make the cut second time around? What if they didn''t PROMPTLY send out don''t-save-the-dates and I made plans to attend - put in for vacation at work, turned down other events at that time, etc. Some people do have to request vacation that far out.

That would be rude. 9 month in advance most people will have not made concrete steps like buy airline tickets, but still. Talk with your FI about what to do, but the best way to go forward would be to downscale the cost and fanciness without downsizing the guest list at this point. If you do decide to uninvite people (yes, I would feel "uninvited" if I received at STD and then was not invited to a wedding that did in fact happen at the originally indicated time and location) I think you have to make it look like a much, much smaller celebration. Draw a very small circle around your must-have immediate family members, and have a quieter dinner. But I would err on having a cheaper, bigger event (even if it is a hometown reception) that you can invite all your original invitees to, so they feel that the celebration plans have changed rather than that they were uninvited.

 

[goldenstar]

I think this topic would be a great letter to Emily Post! I''d love to hear what those folks think.

 

[purrfectpear]

The STD''s were only mailed TWO WEEKS ago. That means that most people have only had 7-10 days to (and I quote) get excited about the wedding that will not occur for another 9 months.

You honestly mean that if you got a call or a note within a week saying that the plans had been changed, you''d be miffed at the bride? What kind of friends are you? Man, rough crowd. I thought it was about the welfare and happiness of the couple getting married and what was best for them.

If everyone is so gung ho on planning a vacation around Vegas - fine, just don''t think that attendance at the wedding means you have to be wined and dined.

 

[cara]

I didn''t say that they were obligated to go forward no matter what. And 9 months is a long time. BUT. An invitation has been issued (STDs are invitations - just ones that do not require a prompt reply and do not contain the final details.) The happy couple should carefully but quickly consider what change of plans they want to make, and if they are DISINVITING people to their wedding, or changing the CITY or DATE, they should expediently notify people. And they should try to consider what it would look like if they went forward with the same basic wedding plan but just cut the guest list in half. What would I think if I were disinvited to a wedding that actually happened for financial reasons? Maybe:

"Glad I didn''t make any plans - no problem here!"
"Good for them being responsible"
"Shoot - I wish I had known that last week when I turned down a XYZ then"
"wow, they weren''t very organized to be recalling their STD"
"I hope nothing horrible happened to cause this change of plans"
"hmm... so they really didn''t want me there/didn''t want to pay for me"
"whoa, since I am clearly a B-lister, I guess I woln''t feel bad about not springing for a nice gift!"

How the news is conveyed matters. What new plan replaces it matters.

You don''t know how people have responded to their plans - probably nothing has happened yet. But if I had put in for vacation for that time period or in some other way put out money or passed by an opportunity because I was planning to attend a wedding in Vegas then, I would be annoyed. And not because I wanted to go to Vegas! Because it shows a lack of consideration.

Basic point, think quick here. Send notices of correction promptly. Try not to make it look like you found something better to do with your money. Even if you have. Good luck.

 

[winston26]

Are you absolutley positively SURE that his whole family will REALLY go to Vegas? I''ve learned first hand and also heard from others that right out the gate there are always all these people saying they will go and a good chunk of them, when it comes down to it, will not go! Maybe it''s the excitement and then when they actually look at airline tickets and hotel costs, it''s like well, maybe not!
My DH''s whole family BEGGED and BEGGGGGGGED us to get married in HI. I decided I didn''t want anyone to pay that much and we''d be better off at home (then we''d go to HI by ourselves!!!). These same people who BEGGGGGED to go all the way to HI (1 airline ticket from my city is $1000 alone) gave me the hardest time over the smallest expenses. They were hell bent that their daughter, the flower girl, would wear a dress out of her closet! We''re talking major stress over $80!! And heaven forbid if I would not have picked out some shoes she already had! I even argued with her that there was no way they ever would have gone to HI yet she still maintains they would have....with both little kids. YEAH RIGHT!! My point being maybe it won''t be as large of an affair as you think right now!

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 7/1/2008 2:03:10 PM
Author: goldenstar
I thinks its fine to change your plans, but not to the extent that you have to uninvite people.


I think you can meet each other halfway. You can stick to the date, location and guest list while scaling back on things like flowers and such. Other posters here have good ideas about how to cut back. Also, since the wedding is not till next April you have time to step up your savings each month to pay for the wedding. If you are able to do this you won''t drain your house savings as much.

Completely agree. Id have it at the same place with the same people, but cut other expenses as much as you can. If the STDs made it sound more formal than it will be with the new plan, make sure the invites reflect the more "casual" tone.

 

[purrfectpear]

Out of curiousity, just exactly how do you "save" while trying to feed 105 guests? Isn''t that at least $4500+ just for food and drinks?

 

[goldenstar]

One could forgo a plated or buffet dinner for a cocktail reception or have a luncheon. These are both less expensive.

 

[goldenstar]

One could forgo a plated or buffet dinner for a cocktail reception or have a luncheon. These are both less expensive.

 

[brandy_z28]

Just out of curiousity what did your STD''s say? Please forgive me if I just missed them somewhere. Were your guests promised a big fancy meal at a certain location or were they more basic with just place, date and time information? I''d be very hurt if I were sent an invite/STD and then never heard anything back. I might not be fuming mad but my feelings would no doubt be hurt. Then again I''m sure I''d get over it eventually. Nonetheless I''d personally try to do everything in my power to cut costs and not uninvite people, but that''s me.

I''m getting married in Vegas as well (3/13/09) and we''re not having a reception/formal dinner of any kind. I haven''t sent out STD''s yet but I''m just letting my invitees know place, date and time. My total expected expenses are going to be 5k, or less. We do plan on going to dinner afterward but as far as paying, everyone is on their own. Is that rude? Heck if I know what the rule is on that, but that''s the way it''s going to be. I''m inviting around 50 people but only expecting about half of them to show up. I''m not charged per person or anything where it would matter how many people showed up to the wedding anyway. I don''t know your arrangements but hope you get it worked out with your fiance.

Good luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

I agree about scaling it down to save for the house. Get a sample or pre-owned dress. Cut down on the flowers, DIY your invites, etc.

Being a homeowner - IF you are prepared and can afford it - is a fabulous thing. Whether you spend $500 (like I did) or $5000 on your flowers? No one will notice.