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Wedding Fiance wants to by house instead of big wedding !

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blissfulbride

blissfulbride

Shiny_Rock
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May 9, 2008
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485
We just sent out our save the dates about 2 weeks ago and now my fiance drop this bomb on me. He thinks we should have a very small wedding so we can buy a house sooner. He has a point because even after all the saving we have done for this wedding we are still going to go over our budget and then have to start from scratch. I''m just upset that he tells me this now when we could have discussed it before the save the dates were sent and now everyone is excited about the wedding.

Now im torn because part of me wants my dream wedding and a part of me wants to own a home so we can start working on a family sooner.


any stories or advice ?
 
I can see his point, but why didn''t he decide this before you sent the STDs?

It would seem odd to now tell people they''re not invited, especially if they have now made plans for flights/hotels/time off work etc.


If he was mine I''d murder him!
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Oh no! Sorry Blissfulbride! I thought you had the Vegas wedding all planned and reserved? You can always just change the reception into a smaller cocktail party?. I see your point about owning your own home, but you''ll figure something out. Maybe take out a small loan to pay for the wedding for now?
 
Good for the FI
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(Though his timing sucks)

Isn''t it nice to know you are marrying a man with his priorities straight, rather than a boy that just wants the party?

The wedding is a one day event. A house is something you''ll appreciate every day.
 
Honestly, at first I would probably be LIVID that he did not tell me sooner in the planning process. Then, I''d probably be happy that he sees the house as a priority. However, I would hope that he would take an active role in the planning proces to ensure that you get as close to your dream wedding as possible (if he hasn''t already).
 
That sucks that you sent the STDs out already but I think people might understand if you say you had a change in plans and budgets, particularly if they are good friends and family. Since you just sent out the STDs I get right on calling or emailing people about it.

We were well into the plannng process, knee deep, when my FI started finding houses we loved, we decided if we got a house to cut down on some of the fancy and forgo things like a honeymoon. It''s a bit late now and our dream house feel through but if we had a shot at that dream house all over again and were at the beginning of wedding planning we would have gone for that instead and just done a smaller wedding.

If had a choice of the house or the wedding I''d have probably done the house, it''ll last longer, but I''d have done a small cute wedding at least!

I''d be wary of taking a loan out to pay for a wedding particularly when you want your debt to look good on paper when buying a house. Debt for wedding is not the best idea.
 
We are all booked ! We would still be getting married at vegas at the same place, but tell family that we are going to just have a small dinner. I do still think its to late to tell everyone that. I dont know I have a lot to think about.
 

I’m going to give you my opinion based on what is important to me.


If I were in this situation, I would have a very small intimate wedding with close family/friends, and then spend the next 5 months drooling over everything at Home Depot.


The truth is (and again this is based on what is important to me), a wedding really is just one day. And while it is one of the most important days of your life…nothing compares to coming home to your own private house.


That’s my opinion.
 
Your right and it must be the greatest feeling ever. im going to work on figuring something out !
 
Bad timing, good priorities. Is it at all possible to have the wedding in Vegas as planned but on a much smaller scale, send a "Change of Plans" card out to guest and throw a backyard BBQ so as not to cause problems with family and friends? My good friend had a backyard wedding for 350+ people for a total of $3,000, including paying for all the attire for attendants, her wedding dress, food, entertainment, etc.; it was a great way for them to have a wedding and still save a ton of money. Just a thought.
 
Is there a way to still have what you consider a "dream" wedding but cut down on expenses? I wish for you to be able to have both the wedding and the house!
Some stuff we did:
Friend did videography savings $1000+ and he''s actually talented at it
Mom wanted to offer steak. I chose chicken. Everyone raved about the food and we saved $15pp.
Invites we loved were $500 for the invite only, not including the envelopes. Kept looking and looking until we found much cheaper but still very nice. I love the fancy paper and matching favors, but it was really pricy. So I made my own favors to match. I actually would have chopped out the favors all together. I''ve been to weddings without them and did not miss them!

No matter what, a wedding still seems to be expensive. A house is wonderful yet I''d hate to hear you look back on your wedding with regrets or you might resent the house and hate it anyway. My friend does.
What is your dream wedding?
 
That was what I was thinking too. To cut down the cost on things at I gave myself a big budget for. We decide to get married in vegas because we wanted a small wedding but now its like his whole family now wants to go and we didnt really think that they would. I know we will make some money back but not enough for a down payment and houses are so cheap now and im afraid we might miss out.
 
Yeah, the housing market is definitely prime for buyers right now, so I would definitely jump on an opportunity to be a homeowner if possible. Since it sounds like mostly family members are going to make up your wedding guests, it should be easier to trim the budget with no one noticing or caring. I think having the wedding in Vegas will be exciting enough in and of itself! I know the PSers around here always have wonderful and creative ideas for alternatives to pricey wedding expenses. Anything in particular you would need help with at this point? It sounds like you have all the details planned out but a few changes here or there would collectively save you some $$$.
 
Just a side note: the housing market is going to stay exactly the way it is for at least 2 years (that''s what market experts are saying).

When is your wedding?
 
If my FI and I weren''t going to be moving around a lot in the next few years, we would have eloped and taken the money for a house. Weddings are such wasteful events and have no monetary vaue wheras you can use a house and most appreciate in value. No brainer to me
 
I think that you should stick to the house as a priority. The wedding is really only one day. I''m having a fairly small wedding at about 80 people. We also want to purchase a home sooner than later, so we''re doing a wedding for roughly $10,000.

We''re skipping expensive flowers, DIY invites and STDs, not having favors, having family do photography, and having the wedding on a Thursday night that includes all the linens, food, and cake.

So we''re cutting back in a lot of areas in order to meet budget. I think its definitely doable and I hope that you can find a way to tactfully reconfigure your guest list!

Good luck!
 
Yanno ... if the wedding would be in the same place (Vegas) with just a smaller gathering ... I don''t see a big deal at all. NO ONE would be making that long trip just for a slightly fancier meal + dancing. If they came, they''d be coming to see you get married (& maybe have some weekend fun in Vegas). Its not like you''re dragging everyone to a teensy town in the middle of Ohio where there''s nothing else to do and then saying "lunch only".

Will advise not to RUSH into homeownership w/o really figuring out all the HIDDEN expenses. (Taxes, closing costs, home repairs, survey, replacing appliances, lawn care ...etc etc etc etc *sigh* etc) People have a way of making you THINK you can afford one thing (or DESERVE one thing) without letting onto the amazing list of additional expenses that renters can''t even IMAGINE.
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We are getting married april 25 and we invited 105 guest hoping that only half show. its all his family and they are huge. This is the first time he is seriously mentioned it and we have been on the phone all day discussing it. in an hour im going to call my mom and see what she thinks. The only thinking i can come up with is just doing the change of plans card and just having my parents and his parents and the bridal party show.
 
I agree with others in that I think it''s a great idea, but his timing really sucks. I like the idea of a big bbq or something like that, or do a smaller dinner thing in vegas.
 
Sorry, this is lame. These are big decisions you should be making TOGETHER - him "dropping the bomb" on you makes it seem like this is solely his decision to make.

You two decided to have this wedding together and made plans to that end. Then he decides that HE wants to get a house instead. While I applaud the idea (fiance and I would probably be considering it if our wedding budget weren't <1/4 the down payment we'd need for a house around here) the fact is, this is something he should have discussed with you WELL in advance of sending out the STDs, in the budgeting/planning process. It sounds like he was picturing (example $$ only, don't know what your budget is) a $5-10k wedding. Then wedding reality/family interest set in and the budget grew, to say $25k. You two are still planning along, assuming you're both on the same page, get everyone excited and send out the STDs, and then he wakes up one morning and realizes "hey, $25k is a lot of money, maybe we should use it to pay for a house" While the sentiment makes sense, when it comes down to it, it is not his decision to make. When the STDs went out, you BOTH committed to (at least) a)inviting the people you sent them to and b) a wedding in the place listed on the STDs.

Obviously you may still be able to scale back, but I think uninviting people is rude. And, the difference in cost still may not get you to a down payment.

This type of communication is something that will be really important for you to learn if you are going to be married and manage your money jointly. You need to be able to trust that, once you make a joint decision on something, neither party will suddenly back out or change their mind at inopportune times. Say both you've decided to send your first kid to private school (for example) and your child has visited the school, is excited about going there, etc. Then, one of you realizes 'hey, for what we'd be spending on this school, we could make the X improvement to the house we've been wanting' - after a certain point a decision needs to be closed, or else nothing will ever be truly decided.

Don't know what your financial situation is, but when my fiance and I were budgeting, we sat down and set our wedding budget at what we could reasonably save in a year. This allowed us to get a wedding that we are really happy about, but without taking on any debt or eating substantially into our current savings. Sure, there are many more practical things we could have done with that $ (new car for one of us, buy a house 3 years from now rather than 4 years from now, etc.) But in the end, we were not choosing to NOT buy a house or NOT get a car - just choosing to delay those new purchases for a year, which for us is worth it to have a wedding with all of our family and friends.
 
rockzilla thank you and your so right. It was just a thought, and at this point its to deep to change everything. We have alot of talking to do at home tonight.
 
I thinks its fine to change your plans, but not to the extent that you have to uninvite people.

I think you can meet each other halfway. You can stick to the date, location and guest list while scaling back on things like flowers and such. Other posters here have good ideas about how to cut back. Also, since the wedding is not till next April you have time to step up your savings each month to pay for the wedding. If you are able to do this you won''t drain your house savings as much.
 
Rude to uninvite? I''m sorry but that''s just ridiculous. A save the date is NOT the same thing as a formal invitation. If even one of the people you sent a STD would be miffed that you changed your mind based on budget, then that''s one person that isn''t a friend anyway. You would be telling people about the change way before anyone had "planned" so there''s absolutely no inconvenience to them.

You''re right you two need to sit down and talk tonight, but please listen with an open mind. As several people have stated, big expenses are not really worth one day. The beauty of your wedding day will not be about feeding 150 people.
 
You're right purrfectpear, its not the same as a formal invite. And no one should have to continue with plans if they can't afford to. If you absolutely must uninvite, no one can argue with that.

But since this is a destination wedding guests may be making plans early, especially since STDs were sent way in advance for that purpose. If guests need to be cut, its only fair that they be informed asap. At least before they start making travel plans. Personally, I would do my best to at least keep the guest list intact since there are other areas to cut. I was meaning to say that uninviting people would be the last resort, not that it must never be done. Thanks for pointing that out. I didn't realize that I wasn't being clear.
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IMO, it would be the exact same as uninviting guests. Would your family and friends understand? certainly! But don''t trivialize the fact that it is, in fact, an "uninvitation"!

I suggest that you cut costs in other ways such as not having flowers or attendants, using a white bridesmaid dress instead of a "wedding gown", not serving liquer (or cut out alcohol completely), only offering chicken, etc. To call all those people and say that you in fact do not want them to come to Vegas that weekend anymore just seems kind of silly. I think that should be the last resort.
 
Date: 7/1/2008 2:04:07 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Rude to uninvite? I''m sorry but that''s just ridiculous. A save the date is NOT the same thing as a formal invitation. If even one of the people you sent a STD would be miffed that you changed your mind based on budget, then that''s one person that isn''t a friend anyway. You would be telling people about the change way before anyone had ''planned'' so there''s absolutely no inconvenience to them.
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While a STD is not the same as a formal invitation, my guess is that a lot of folks haven''t just received the STD and that is the first they''ve heard of it. There''s been a lot of talk of this wedding among the family, as the OP has stated, and so a lot of folks have gotten excited about planning a trip and almost making it into a family vacation. So, in many cases people may have been told that they''ll be invited (whether formally or informally) by the bride/groom and family, not just via the STD.

And, I''m sorry, but if someone sent me a STD and then I was not invited to the wedding, I would be a bit miffed, especially if I planned to travel out of state and was excitedly making plans. If there was a major financial difficulty or other family emergency (someone getting laid off, severe medical problems, etc.) I would be very understanding and not upset, but to just say, "Well, we decided we didn''t want to spend that much on a wedding, so actually you won''t be invited" I would be hurt by. I understand the desire to have a small wedding, and certainly to prioritize as a couple, but once people have been told they''ll be invited, just deciding you want to spend less money is a rude thing to do. You make those decisions BEFORE you invite people. Uninviting someone is a much greater offense than not inviting in the first place, in my book.
 
Date: 7/1/2008 2:41:52 PM
Author: rockzilla

Date: 7/1/2008 2:04:07 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Rude to uninvite? I''m sorry but that''s just ridiculous. A save the date is NOT the same thing as a formal invitation. If even one of the people you sent a STD would be miffed that you changed your mind based on budget, then that''s one person that isn''t a friend anyway. You would be telling people about the change way before anyone had ''planned'' so there''s absolutely no inconvenience to them.
Click to expand...

While a STD is not the same as a formal invitation, my guess is that a lot of folks haven''t just received the STD and that is the first they''ve heard of it. There''s been a lot of talk of this wedding among the family, as the OP has stated, and so a lot of folks have gotten excited about planning a trip and almost making it into a family vacation. So, in many cases people may have been told that they''ll be invited (whether formally or informally) by the bride/groom and family, not just via the STD.

And, I''m sorry, but if someone sent me a STD and then I was not invited to the wedding, I would be a bit miffed, especially if I planned to travel out of state and was excitedly making plans. If there was a major financial difficulty or other family emergency (someone getting laid off, severe medical problems, etc.) I would be very understanding and not upset, but to just say, ''Well, we decided we didn''t want to spend that much on a wedding, so actually you won''t be invited'' I would be hurt by. I understand the desire to have a small wedding, and certainly to prioritize as a couple, but once people have been told they''ll be invited, just deciding you want to spend less money is a rude thing to do. You make those decisions BEFORE you invite people. Uninviting someone is a much greater offense than not inviting in the first place, in my book.
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Ditto.

Frankly, I''ve never heard of a save the date until I started looking into wedding planning for my best friend. Had I received one, I would have thought it was an invitation and made my plans accordingly. My family would think the same. We aren''t used to things like this...we just send out invitations and that''s the end of that.

I won''t be doing STDs even if it is a destination wedding. To be honest, I find them to be a bit presumptuous.

That said, I think that word of mouth will be fine. If I received a phone call from a bride that said she had a change in plans and apologizes but it will be a smaller wedding, I wouldn''t mind. I would be grateful that she called me personally and wish her the best.
 
Date: 7/1/2008 2:41:52 PM
Author: rockzilla

And, I''m sorry, but if someone sent me a STD and then I was not invited to the wedding, I would be a bit miffed, especially if I planned to travel out of state and was excitedly making plans. If there was a major financial difficulty or other family emergency (someone getting laid off, severe medical problems, etc.) I would be very understanding and not upset, but to just say, ''Well, we decided we didn''t want to spend that much on a wedding, so actually you won''t be invited'' I would be hurt by. I understand the desire to have a small wedding, and certainly to prioritize as a couple, but once people have been told they''ll be invited, just deciding you want to spend less money is a rude thing to do. You make those decisions BEFORE you invite people. Uninviting someone is a much greater offense than not inviting in the first place, in my book.
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It''s not the ideal situation, but... we are talking about STDs for a wedding that is NINE MONTHS AWAY. Trust me, the friends and family have not made any irreversible plans yet. The friends that love you will not hold it against you if you decide to go with a smaller wedding so you can buy a house earlier -- no more than some will raise their eyebrows if they hear that you''ve put off buying a house and starting your family because the large wedding won out.

I would be more concerned about why DF didn''t raise this concern earlier, and figuring out how to improve your communications going into the future.
 
My goodness, wedding planning (and the money dumped into it) has spiraled out of control recently; STDs, ultra-formal invites, hand printed envelopes at the rate of $50/hour, trinkets, flowers, high-end photographers to the stars, $10k dresses . . . no wonder fewer and fewer men want to get married. We (women as a whole, not anyone specific) seem to get wrapped up in the details of ONE DAY rather than understanding the advantage of gaining equity in a long-term appreciating asset.

My husband and I just hopped a plane to Vegas with 25 of our closest friends and family members, and got married at The Bellagio. I, too, have a HUGE family numbering in the hundreds, but I couldn''t justify blowing Eleventy grand on ONE DAY. Including the travel expenses out there, and all of the food, dresses, DIY invites, etc., our wedding costs were only at ~4,900.

Sure, his timing could have been better, but think about the grand scheme of things. All of the money dumped into a single party is not going to give you the same return as a home of your own.

I hope you guys have a good long talk, but realize, this is only my opinion as a *slightly* older bride who learned a lesson in her very early 20s about this very situation.
 
Date: 7/1/2008 2:04:07 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Rude to uninvite? I''m sorry but that''s just ridiculous. A save the date is NOT the same thing as a formal invitation. If even one of the people you sent a STD would be miffed that you changed your mind based on budget, then that''s one person that isn''t a friend anyway. You would be telling people about the change way before anyone had ''planned'' so there''s absolutely no inconvenience to them.

You''re right you two need to sit down and talk tonight, but please listen with an open mind. As several people have stated, big expenses are not really worth one day. The beauty of your wedding day will not be about feeding 150 people.
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I think most people would be offended if they received a STD, got all excited about the wedding and started making plans, then never received an invite after that. Even if you try to explain that it''s a budget thing - the ones who end up not being invited will feel like they''re good enough to be on your ''A'' list of family and friends. Personally, it''s not something I would do if I could help it.
 
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