Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Fiance not into planning things...

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

winternight

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
887
Ok, so I''m a little hurt because I sort of feel like I''m doing everthing myself - even buying my own ring! My fiance proposed without a ring and we''ve been shopping together but he hadn''t done any research beforehand other than go to Tiffany and then he didn''t ask to actually see the rings so he had no idea how much they cost. He wants to get married next year and he wants a reception but I feel like he wants me to plan everything, even though I don''t even really want a reception because of the ridiculous cost/stress. I have a feeling that if I don''t plan things it won''t get done or he''ll just do whatever, even if it costs alot more.

I think I''m supposed to be excited but I''m just stressed. Looking for the ring is stressing me out the most and while I''m leaning towards getting a Tiffany/Cartier solitare from signedpieces they don''t have any inventory right now in what I''m looking for so I''m a little sad about that. I feel guilty about talking to him about his budget (this was another thread) and he''s gone up but I just wish he would look around or something. He is a sweet guy and he proposed in Paris (a birthday present for me) but he hates shopping - I just wish he was making more of an effort here. I''m trying to be practical here, if we just go to Tiffany its going to cost alot more and I''m going to get something much smaller.

It doesn''t help matters that he keeps telling me that he doesn''t know what to get me for Christmas. I''m already done with his shopping and have a list ready for his birthday in a few months.

I hope its ok that I''m venting. I just don''t know what to do.
 

Sponsored By:

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
This is a really basic question, but how much of this frustration have you told him about? And what was his response? Because if this is bothering you as much as it sounds like it is, I think you need to tell him that he needs to start helping you, whether or not he WANTS to. My DH does a bunch of stuff with me that he doesn''t really like doing because he knows it''s important to me, and vice versa. Relationships require communication and compromise, so be sure to tell him how you feel.

*M*
 

njc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 10, 2004
Messages
1,997

You really need to talk to your FI. He needs to know that you expect him to help and that you wont do it alone since its what he wants. Believe me, getting this out in the open reduces the stress!!!


DH and I both wanted the big reception, but he wasn’t into helping out with anything for our wedding. Most of the time I felt like I was pulling teeth or that because he didn’t care about the details meant he wasn’t really excited about getting married. Planning was fairly a stressful time for us due to that, but after finally talking (I had a major melt down

) and him telling me he was excited about getting married, he just didn’t care what color the dinner napkins were or what kind of flowers we had, things went slightly smoother. I still had to DRAG him to get tuxes for himself and the GMs (he thought a month and a half was WAY too early to pick it out), had to DRAG him to buy his wedding ring (again, why would we want to get anything BEFORE the wedding) and MADE him sit with me and pick a first dance song.


I picked my w-band out on my own. I didn’t mind and DH was happy he didn’t have to do it. Had I waited for him to pick it out, I probably wouldn’t have had one, much less the one I have now (custom with g-moms diamonds).


Looking back, I have learned this is a great time to work on those communication skills!!! And I cant tell you how relieved I was to return to normal the day after… I just kept reminding myself that I DID want to get married and that things were just a little crazy, but everything would return to normal!

 

sumbride

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2006
Messages
3,867
I agree with Poptart... you need to tell him how you feel! Men are not mindreaders, even when they know you well. My FI surprises me all the time by knowing what I''m thinking or feeling, but that doesn''t mean I can expect him to know... sometimes I get frustrated because he DOESN''T know and sometimes I get frustrated because he does and I don''t want him to! Does he know you don''t want a big reception? Have you talked about compromise on that?

Many men think that their FIs have been planning the wedding all their lives... and some HAVE, but if you haven''t, it''s totally reasonable for you to ask him to help, but you can''t just expect him to pitch in without you asking. And you need to decide what level of involvement you want him to have... whether it''s just being open to you bouncing ideas off him, or you want him to go out and research vendors and make decisions. Find out what''s important to him.

At the beginning of planning, my FI watched me cut stuff out of magazines, read books, etc... and he thought I was going overboard until I said to him "I don''t know what I want, I don''t know what you want... we need to get some general direction before I can make ANY decisions... and I need your help." He thought I was having fun but I was tearing my hair out. Once I broke down crying about how hard it was, he started listening more and offering his feedback, but also stepping back on things that didn''t concern him, like flowers, saying he trusted my judgement on that. He''s shy, though, so when I asked him to call a bunch of DJs, he said "umm... I don''t want to." I don''t want to either, so we''ll have to flip a coin over that I suppose.

Talk to him, tell him how you''re feeling. It definitely sounds like time for a heart-to-heart before you crack!
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
winternight:

I agree with the rest of the ladies, talk to him; you managed the ring budget conversation with grace and tact, there''s no reason why this should be any different. Also, I think the two of you need to really think about what sort of wedding you BOTH want, which will involve compromise. It sounds like there is the potential for you to start resenting him for getting the wedding he wants without assisting in the planning, not exactly the best way to start off a marriage. Perhaps you can remind him of this as a starting point for the conversation: "Honey, I love you and I want our wedding to be fun, beautiful and representative of us. I understand you would like a large wedding, but it seems like you''re uninteresting in the planning. It would be very sad for both of us if I do all of the work and end up resenting you for not helping as this is supposed to be such a fun and exciting time in our lives." Then, perhaps you could purchase a wedding planning book or find a wedding planning checklist and sit down together and divide up the work.

On another note, I did not have a large wedding, we had a total of 28 guests, but the planning was almost as complicated as when I planned a wedding for 250 people that I called off (we were a month away from getting married so everything was pretty much done). I just thought I''d share this with you in case you think that if you invite 1/2 the people the work will be cut in 1/2.
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
You could also give him specific things to work on for the wedding, so that he has some type of direction. For instance, when DH and I planned our wedding we were both very gung ho about it. We went to all the vendors together, but it was always one person who made the final decisions. When we picked out the picture album we wanted, I made the decision, however he made the decision on the cake. If you tell your FI that you want him to cover, say, the cake and the DJ, then he has something to work with and doesn''t feel like he is floundering. Just make a list, tell him you need his help, and delegate.

*M*
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,009
My DH was what I like to call a "show up groom." He had never even seen our ceremony/reception site until the wedding day. At first it botheres me but I realized quickly that I could pick everything out and it did kind of make it easier. I couldn''t expect him to be into it just like he can''t expect me to be into watching golf (for example). DH told me I did such a great job which really meant a lot.
 

appletini

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 29, 2004
Messages
2,696
Men just aren''t into planning weddings...they just need to be told when and where to show up. I went easy on my DH because I knew that he didnt care and would be happy with whatever. I also registered online and handed him the laptop to choose his beer mugs. I did however put him in charge of the tuxes (lucky for me he has good taste so I could trust him with that) since he and his friends would be the one wearing it.

Most importantly find a location that provides a lot of services: food, cake, flowers, etc that will make things much less overwhelming. Thats what I did and I can''t recommend it enough, I''d just send pictures of things I wanted and they made it happen. And have your ceremony & reception at the same place, it also cuts out a lot of extra stress planning the logistics of everything.
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
Date: 11/28/2006 1:40:28 PM
Author: appletini
Men just aren''t into planning weddings...they just need to be told when and where to show up.
I would have to say I don''t agree. My DH was VERY into planning the wedding, and he picked the location (was adamant and pleaded that we HAD to have it at THAT venue), the cake, and was making suggestions and decisions all the way up to the alter. I think it just depends on whether or not they feel overwhelmed or not. You may find that he just doesn''t know where to start, or that he really will just be happy with whatever you decide like appletini said. I guess what I am trying to say is that just because he isn''t currently showing an interest doesn''t mean he doesn''t want to have some say in it. It just may mean that he is waiting for you to give him something to work with. I also second appletini''s advice for finding a venue that includes food, photography, music, etc. because it does make things a LOT less stressful.

*M*
 

cara

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 21, 2006
Messages
2,202
This is way more than just logistics. If it was we could just say - oh, tell him to get you this ideal cut diamond from this pricescope vendor and put it in this solitaire setting, don''t wait for a pre-owned Tiffany! and your problems would be solved. This is about him taking initiative on things that are important to you and important to him. It doesn''t matter if he doesn''t "like" shopping - sometimes it has to be done. And him not doing it has you all stressed out picking out your own ring, feeling like its not a gift if you have to do all the work. Dreading a wedding you haven''t even started planning.

What has worked for other ladies whose husbands just showed up to the wedding planned exclusively by the bride is great for them - but they all sounded happy about that role (eventually) and like this meant they got to make their own choices about how the wedding should go. It sounds dangerously like your FI gets to dictate terms for the wedding (I want a big reception, I want it next year) but then not take responsibility making it happen and you are just supposed to sweep your concerns and inclinations under the rug. Which brings me to...

What do you want? What vision do you have for the day that has you reasonably not-stressed out from either planning obligations or cost?

If he wants a reception, and it stresses you out, don''t just agree to plan what he wants because you are the bride! He should be willing to actively do the majority wedding planning (hint: it involves a lot of shopping) or you should agree - jointly - to pay for a planner. But even with a planner, you two (the customers) have to tell the planner what you want. Small wedding, big wedding, where, etc. So you still need to have serious discussions to lay out the scope of the wedding and/or reception.

Other people saying that "Men don''t care about weddings" or "just give him a list of stuff to do" kind of miss the point - Winternight''s FI DOES care about his wedding, at least enough to want a reception, so why is Winternight supposedly in charge, even if he manages to "help out" when she assigns him tasks? Why isn''t the FI calling venues, making invite lists, pricing things, if its what he wants? Then presenting the price estimates to Winternight so that they can jointly make a decision about the cost? Don''t tell me it is cause he''s a guy. Guys are capable of lots of stuff if properly motivated.
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,009
Date: 11/28/2006 1:47:33 PM
Author: poptart
Date: 11/28/2006 1:40:28 PM

Author: appletini

Men just aren''t into planning weddings...they just need to be told when and where to show up.
I would have to say I don''t agree. My DH was VERY into planning the wedding, and he picked the location (was adamant and pleaded that we HAD to have it at THAT venue), the cake, and was making suggestions and decisions all the way up to the alter. I think it just depends on whether or not they feel overwhelmed or not. You may find that he just doesn''t know where to start, or that he really will just be happy with whatever you decide like appletini said. I guess what I am trying to say is that just because he isn''t currently showing an interest doesn''t mean he doesn''t want to have some say in it. It just may mean that he is waiting for you to give him something to work with. I also second appletini''s advice for finding a venue that includes food, photography, music, etc. because it does make things a LOT less stressful.


*M*
I think she meant some men or even most men. There are also women out there that don''t care about jewelry *gasp*. I think part of being in a relationship is about respecting each others differences. I rather plan it by myself (or with my mom, fmil, sister, friend...) then have him fake interest in something. It doesn''t mean he is not excited to marry you. He just doesn''t care about the details
 

larussel03

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 22, 2005
Messages
1,747
My FI isnt into planning either, but he's willing to help. So basically I've assigned him certain areas that he is in charge of such as setting up appointments and talking to the church (his family is more familiar with it than I am even though we both are members).

Your FI is probably the same way, my FI is a do-er but not a planner...if that makes sense. He could care less about color schemes, flowers etc, but if I give him something more concrete to work on he'll be on it. At first it bugged me that I had to ask him to do things, but once I realized this I felt better : )
 

appletini

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 29, 2004
Messages
2,696
Date: 11/28/2006 3:09:08 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 11/28/2006 1:47:33 PM
Author: poptart

Date: 11/28/2006 1:40:28 PM

Author: appletini

Men just aren''t into planning weddings...they just need to be told when and where to show up.
I would have to say I don''t agree. My DH was VERY into planning the wedding, and he picked the location (was adamant and pleaded that we HAD to have it at THAT venue), the cake, and was making suggestions and decisions all the way up to the alter. I think it just depends on whether or not they feel overwhelmed or not. You may find that he just doesn''t know where to start, or that he really will just be happy with whatever you decide like appletini said. I guess what I am trying to say is that just because he isn''t currently showing an interest doesn''t mean he doesn''t want to have some say in it. It just may mean that he is waiting for you to give him something to work with. I also second appletini''s advice for finding a venue that includes food, photography, music, etc. because it does make things a LOT less stressful.


*M*
I think she meant some men or even most men. There are also women out there that don''t care about jewelry *gasp*. I think part of being in a relationship is about respecting each others differences. I rather plan it by myself (or with my mom, fmil, sister, friend...) then have him fake interest in something. It doesn''t mean he is not excited to marry you. He just doesn''t care about the details
Its not that men don''t care about the wedding, but they don''t care or understand all the details that go into it. DH did go with me to look at the venue, meet with the minister, take engagement pictures, but he didn''t need to bothered with details like what color flowers, ribbon, cake design, etc...thats what your bridesmaids are for...asking about all those girly things. When I had several things I liked, I''d just poll my BMs to what was the most popular. However I did think about his preferences and had white rose boutineers for the men, even though all the other roses were fushia. They want to know about the food and alcohol and things they will notice. DH took care of the honeymoon arrangements, thats what was fun for him.

If you want your man to take a larger role in the planning, then maybe talk with him about aspects of the wedding that you think he would enjoy. The most important thing is your marriage, not your wedding.
 

winternight

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
887
Thanks for the responses. I already feel better, I just think I was feeling a little overwhelmed (after all I can''t even pick out a ring!) I talked to him about it and he''s willing to help, so I gave him a list of some venues to look over. I don''t think he gets the amount of planning that''s involved.

I will look into places that offer package services, that seems much less stressful, but my only issue is that we don''t want a sit-down dinner, instead a buffet-style one (I just like that idea better) so I hope that isn''t a problem. I''m seriously considering also just having a local restaurant cater the event, doing a cocktail/buffet style party with music but not necessarily dancing - not sure how feasible that is.

My mom has offered to help out financially and he said his parents will too so that helps, we make good money but spending so much just stresses me out, especially because we''re looking to buy a house next year too.
 

njc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 10, 2004
Messages
1,997
Glad to hear he is willing to help! Like i said, wedding planning is the perfect time to work on those communication skills!!!

A buffet vs. a sit-down with multiple entree choices - In terms of stress, buffet should be easier because you wont have to ask people which entree they want. You usually need to turn those numbers in early too... for our buffet, we told them like a week ahead of time the final number attending. Alternative would be sit-down where there is no choice, but I dont think that is fair to those with dietary restrictions.

Are you going to have it around the DC area?
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
Good to hear you two worked it out! I agree that a buffet is a great idea and cuts down on the stress. We had a light lunch buffet and it worked great because people could mingle as the pleased, and it was outside, which made it more casual. We also played music out there, but no one danced, so it can be done. Are you wanting the wedding inside or outside?

*M*
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,009
We had our ceremony/reception at a country club which made things so easy. They took care of the sit down meal (we had one entree), cake, servers, valet, sound equipment....it helped lower my stress.
 

winternight

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
887
We''re probably going to have it in the DC area. I haven''t really though about inside or outside. We might also have a restaurant just cater the event and not necessarily have a DJ and everything. I don''t know. We like dancing but we aren''t really into it. Mainly we both want good food and good drinks.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.

New posts

Top