ImGonnaEatChooo
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2009
- Messages
- 3
Hi, as I long-time lurker here, I decided to come out and actually ask for some advice from you ladies. I have been feeling incredibly alone in my situation and I am just at my wits end.
BG: SO and I are both 26 and we are both grad students on opposite sides of the continental US. We''ve been dating for just about 5 years now, and it has been long distance this whole time. It has, overall, been a great relationship. Sure, we''ve had our ups and downs, but its been amazing for a normal relationship, not to mention a long distance one.
About 2 years into our relationship, we had a conversation about getting married in the future. Very general, like "Id be down with marrying you!" kind of conversation. He told me that his parents got married at 28-29, and that''s what his timeline has kind of been. But he wasn''t opposed to getting married/engaged before that. Mine has always been around 26-28, so it wasn''t too big of a difference at the time. Both of us want kids, and both of us wanted the same things in the future.
Fast forward 1.5 more years, and we had a discussion about the whole thing. He told me at that point that he really hadn''t thought about it very much, since we were both in school, and still had a LONG way to go before we were anywhere near being in the same place or really settling down. At the time, I agreed. I was disappointed, but he had a point...we were still fairly young and just starting grad school...etc.
The reason why I brought the topic up again is that within the next 2 years, we''ll both be graduating. But before graduation, we both have to apply for a post-graduate position that requires some forethought and planning. We''ve always talked vaguely about ending up in the same place after graduation, but I really think its time for us to put down some concrete plans about what we are doing. This way, a)we have a goal to shoot for when we are thinking about where we would like to go, so that I can talk to my advisors...etc...and formally plan; and b) so that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that we aren''t just blindly moving towards something.
Basically, I don''t necessarily need a ring on my finger, but I need to know what he''s thinking for the next 2 years and beyond, so that Im not banking my future, and my career choices, on "girlfriend" status forever.
So at 5 years, I asked him what he was thinking for the future. He ho-ed and hummed his way through the conversation, and all I got was a "I want to be with you in the future and I love you". Great. Wonderful...but concretely, what do you want to do? Engagement? Marriage? What? More ho hums...and he just repeated "I want to be with you in the future and I love you"
So I asked him flat out "Do you see yourself getting married in the next 2-3 years?" "Well...I...dunno...maybe...i...can''t...i think its a possibility...um...why?"
I broke down at that point, and I expressed to him how disappointed I was that he hasn''t really even thought about it... To appease me, he goes "I definitely think it could happen"
I just don''t get it. We''ve been together 5 years, we talk about random stuff like what we''d want to name our kids...and he gets upset if I ever insinuate that we''d NOT be married in the future (by accident once, and he was really sad about it). But when it comes down to the serious "lets figure this out" point, he can''t do it. I feel like im dragging him into it. How romantic of a story would that be for our kids? "Why did you and daddy get married?" "Oh because mommy threatened him and dragged him with a rope around his neck to the chapel"
We kept talking and he blames SO much of this on the fact that we are long distance. He told me "Well, we wouldn''t be having this conversation if we weren''t so far apart. It wouldn''t be so urgent since we''d not be this worried about ending up in the same place" WHAT? We would be having the EXACT same conversation because we''d STILL be trying to go to a program in the same place, AND it STILL would be a 5 year relationship?? How could you think that Id never bring this up???
The kicker? I asked him what did he think we''d be doing if we WERE in the same city? just dating? Living together?? Because I KNOW our parents would not be happy with us living together if we weren''t at least engaged. He goes "Well...we wouldn''t be OFFICIALLY living together!"
So I would still be the unofficial girl that has to hide if his parents ever came over. Just what Id want after 5 years.
Again, i don''t get it. I don''t know if he gets it. I''ve told him over and over again that this is SO important to me. I just don''t think he''s ready. And I''ve told him this. I''ve also told him that I need to know we are on the same page definitely before I make these big decisions that will impact my career...and if he''s not ready to even think about it...then I need to move on with my life. He finds this incredulous...that I would throw away the relationship because he''s not ready to get married. I can''t get it through to him that Im not willing to just hang around and hope he comes around one day, even if he tells me over and over again that im what he wants. I don''t know how to explain it in such a way that it makes sense to him...
And for me, it sucks to feel like your SO of 5 years isn''t ready to marry you. Or even get engaged. or even get to a point of talking about it. It feels like something is wrong with you. I feel like we''re at an impasse...he can''t force himself to be ready, but I can''t force myself to wait around.
So if you ladies have any advice, it would be much appreciated. Just so I don''t feel like im the only girl sitting around, not making a decision.
BG: SO and I are both 26 and we are both grad students on opposite sides of the continental US. We''ve been dating for just about 5 years now, and it has been long distance this whole time. It has, overall, been a great relationship. Sure, we''ve had our ups and downs, but its been amazing for a normal relationship, not to mention a long distance one.
About 2 years into our relationship, we had a conversation about getting married in the future. Very general, like "Id be down with marrying you!" kind of conversation. He told me that his parents got married at 28-29, and that''s what his timeline has kind of been. But he wasn''t opposed to getting married/engaged before that. Mine has always been around 26-28, so it wasn''t too big of a difference at the time. Both of us want kids, and both of us wanted the same things in the future.
Fast forward 1.5 more years, and we had a discussion about the whole thing. He told me at that point that he really hadn''t thought about it very much, since we were both in school, and still had a LONG way to go before we were anywhere near being in the same place or really settling down. At the time, I agreed. I was disappointed, but he had a point...we were still fairly young and just starting grad school...etc.
The reason why I brought the topic up again is that within the next 2 years, we''ll both be graduating. But before graduation, we both have to apply for a post-graduate position that requires some forethought and planning. We''ve always talked vaguely about ending up in the same place after graduation, but I really think its time for us to put down some concrete plans about what we are doing. This way, a)we have a goal to shoot for when we are thinking about where we would like to go, so that I can talk to my advisors...etc...and formally plan; and b) so that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that we aren''t just blindly moving towards something.
Basically, I don''t necessarily need a ring on my finger, but I need to know what he''s thinking for the next 2 years and beyond, so that Im not banking my future, and my career choices, on "girlfriend" status forever.
So at 5 years, I asked him what he was thinking for the future. He ho-ed and hummed his way through the conversation, and all I got was a "I want to be with you in the future and I love you". Great. Wonderful...but concretely, what do you want to do? Engagement? Marriage? What? More ho hums...and he just repeated "I want to be with you in the future and I love you"
So I asked him flat out "Do you see yourself getting married in the next 2-3 years?" "Well...I...dunno...maybe...i...can''t...i think its a possibility...um...why?"
I broke down at that point, and I expressed to him how disappointed I was that he hasn''t really even thought about it... To appease me, he goes "I definitely think it could happen"

I just don''t get it. We''ve been together 5 years, we talk about random stuff like what we''d want to name our kids...and he gets upset if I ever insinuate that we''d NOT be married in the future (by accident once, and he was really sad about it). But when it comes down to the serious "lets figure this out" point, he can''t do it. I feel like im dragging him into it. How romantic of a story would that be for our kids? "Why did you and daddy get married?" "Oh because mommy threatened him and dragged him with a rope around his neck to the chapel"

We kept talking and he blames SO much of this on the fact that we are long distance. He told me "Well, we wouldn''t be having this conversation if we weren''t so far apart. It wouldn''t be so urgent since we''d not be this worried about ending up in the same place" WHAT? We would be having the EXACT same conversation because we''d STILL be trying to go to a program in the same place, AND it STILL would be a 5 year relationship?? How could you think that Id never bring this up???
The kicker? I asked him what did he think we''d be doing if we WERE in the same city? just dating? Living together?? Because I KNOW our parents would not be happy with us living together if we weren''t at least engaged. He goes "Well...we wouldn''t be OFFICIALLY living together!"

Again, i don''t get it. I don''t know if he gets it. I''ve told him over and over again that this is SO important to me. I just don''t think he''s ready. And I''ve told him this. I''ve also told him that I need to know we are on the same page definitely before I make these big decisions that will impact my career...and if he''s not ready to even think about it...then I need to move on with my life. He finds this incredulous...that I would throw away the relationship because he''s not ready to get married. I can''t get it through to him that Im not willing to just hang around and hope he comes around one day, even if he tells me over and over again that im what he wants. I don''t know how to explain it in such a way that it makes sense to him...
And for me, it sucks to feel like your SO of 5 years isn''t ready to marry you. Or even get engaged. or even get to a point of talking about it. It feels like something is wrong with you. I feel like we''re at an impasse...he can''t force himself to be ready, but I can''t force myself to wait around.
So if you ladies have any advice, it would be much appreciated. Just so I don''t feel like im the only girl sitting around, not making a decision.