Home Feeling it...just venting

[Italiahaircolor]

My DH and I married a little over a year ago...and at the time, we made plans to start trying to have a baby around our first year anniversary. We wanted to redo our home, take a couple more vacations, and I had to quit smoking.

Needless to say, we met all our goals -- and are currently finishing our home. And we have been TTC since April/May...earlier than planned, but the timing felt right.

I guess I thought it would be easy. I was wrong.

Nobody is pressuring me to get pregnant. My Mom tells me all the time that when it's meant to happen, it will. And we've kept our "trying" quiet when it comes to other family members. But I cannot help but feeling overwhelming saddness when it comes to the fact that I want a baby in the worst way, and its just something that escapes me. And each month I find out I'm not pregnant, I see it in my husbands eyes. Although he is tender and loving and supportive, I can see that he's disappointed. And I feel horrible. This man has made my dreams come true...I love him to the moon and back...he does everything for me, and loves me so unconditionally and the one thing he wants more than anything I cannot give him. It kills me, every month.

I have read every book. Each morning I wake up and use a "surge stick". I quit smoking. I eat healthy. I have a regular sleep schedule. I attempt to have minimal stress in my life. And with each passing month, my longing becomes more intense because I'm putting in the work--and still missing the bar.

Not to mention the fact that the majority of friends have children. They make me feel like a 2nd class citizen when it comes to babies and not having one. Like my life and time carries less value because I'm childless. It hurts because I want a child so badly, and its not like I'm childless by choice...just by stupid luck. If I say I'm tired their stock response is "if you had a baby you'd be even more tired"...and junk like that. I know its not intentional and just a mini-vent on their part, but I want to be extra tired...and I crave being that kind of tired.

In the upcoming month, my Mom is actually hosting a babyshower for a neighbor's daughter. The girl and I aren't close although we're the same age and went to school together. From what her mom mentioned to me and my mom, her marriage is on the rocks and she was talking about divorce before she got pregnant and the baby was more or less an oopps. My mom invited me to attend the shower (I'd be one of two other girls her age)...but I just don't feel I can muster the right "happiness" to go. I know it's selfish, and normally that goes against everything I stand for, but I'm sad and jealous. I'd of course send a gift...

My doctor mentioned trying AI or other things to encourage pregnancy on my last visit--and although it peeked my interest, I wanted to research more about it before jumping in...but I can't even get an appointment with her for the blood work and stuff until October 31! Which is a whole seperate and annoying issue. And I wont go see anyone else, since she is goooooood. And, I like her very much.

I guess this was just a rant full of saddness and frusteration. Sorry. But, if anyone has any good tricks or tips to enhance my chances...please, share away...

(Sorry to not post it in TTC thread, there is just SOOOO much there now)

 

[diamondfan]

Oh, please do not lose heart. How old are you?

It can take up to one year with all systems a go and normal fertility so do not fret. If you were much older than yes, a few months does matter, but still, you really should not stress. You can always bring up your concerns to your gyno at your next visit.

Also, forget those friends comments. They are silly and likely not even intended to be upsetting, though of course they are.

I would likely pass on the shower, you are not close anyway and it seems silly to go to an event like that and not be feeling some connection, but that is my view.

 

[neatfreak]

IHC: I'm so sorry that you are frustrated. Can I ask something? Are you and your DH "trying" only on days that your "surge sticks" say that you are fertile? Because those can just be plain wrong for many women...so you might try monitoring some of your body's natural signs instead, much more accurate.

A good friend of mine was TTC for about 8 months using a fertility monitor. Once she stopped relying on it and started doing some of her own monitoring she realized that she was O'ing a full 3-4 days AFTER the monitor said she was. So she was just missing her fertile window every month. Once she realized that she got KU the first month. So it's worth a try!

If you are doing that already then I would suggest taking a month off to take off the stress. Don't try, just drink a bottle of wine and hop in the sack when you feel like it. There have been a lot of PS babies conceived that way!

And I agree with DF, don't go to the shower. You aren't close with the girl and it will only make your emotions worse.

 

[robbie3982]

Italia, are you charting? A lot of us on the TTC thread use fertilityfriend.com to chart and find it very helpful to know when ovulation is occuring. If you are charting and have been timing things right, I''d ask for a lot more testing before I''d jump to AI (progesterone, SA, etc). I know 4 months seems like a long time, but when it comes to TTC, it''s really not that long at all. Especially when you consider that you only have about a 20% chance of conceiving during any given cycle.

Don''t be freaked out by how long the TTC thread has gotten. We have new people joining us all the time and it''s not like i''ts a requirement to read it all or anything

.

 

[cdt1101]

I feel for you. I also feel like Debbie Downer these days because it hasnt'' happened for us yet. It''s only been 3 months of trying for us. But like you, all of my friends have kids now. This past weekend was very tough for me since I was at a friend''s baby shower and my closest friends just had a baby as well. Well ALL the girls were talking about their babies/labor/breast feeding...and well, I was just left out. It took ALL of my energy not to cry right there. It was really hard. And I dont'' think it was intentional that they ignored me, but that fact is I can''t really add anything to their conversations. So yeah, I feel for you. I totally get how you''re feeling right now. Just try to stay positive. That''s what I keep telling myself. Hang in there!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I have no real words of wisdom, just wanted to tell you that I''m sorry and that I have my fingers crossed for you. Many of my friends are currently TTC and if there''s anything I learned from them (and from the wonderful TTC board here), it''s that it takes several months to really get into tune with your own body and many of them wish they''d started charting and temping earlier.

The lectures we all get from parents and high school make you feel like getting pregnant is as easy as getting a pimple, but in real life it''s incredibly challenging! All you can do is just try your best to get the timing right...the rest will fall into place. From listening to friends and family, it seems that nobody is really prepared for how discouraging and emotionally draining it is when it doesn''t happen. I know it''s really tough, but you guys will get through this and when you''re 8 months pregnant you''ll be saying "why did I wish this on myself?!" I''m kidding!

Please try not to get discouraged--so many women are going through what you''re going throug now. It''s not fun, but it''s certainly common and hopefully you''ll be pregnant very soon!

 

[LaraOnline]

Charting your cycles, and monitoring your mucous, is a really great way of saving your mental energy, and focusing your efforts, as it were! If you really want to become pregnant quickly, you could also try taking your temperature every morning, and charting that.
Would cut down the ''voices in your head'', knowing when you''re actually ''on''.

 

[vespergirl]

Italia, I''m sure it''s going to happen for you guys. Did you say that you''ve only been trying since April of this year? I don''t think that''s long at all - I think that most doctors say that if you''re trying for a year without luck, then you could consider seeing a doctor for help, but until a year passes, I think that''s just normal "trying." I have a friend who was trying for a year, and they were about to see a fertility specialist, and then she got pregnant - so I guess that "one year" rule may hold true. If you don''t mind my asking, how old are you? I think the doctors say that if you''re under 35, you shouldn''t need intervention this quickly.

I do have to say this - I know people who pined for children for years, and tried, and even though there was no physical issue, they couldn''t conceive. This one couple I used to babysit for, after 12 years of trying with no success, finally adopted a beautiful baby girl. What do you know, when she was only 4 months old, they conceived naturally (without trying!) and had a boy! The couldn''t believe their luck, and then when he was 6 months old, the conceived AGAIN without trying (they figured lighting wouldn''t strike twice?) and had another boy! After 12 years without kids, they ended up having 3 kids in 3 years, which made me a very busy babysitter

I guess the point of that story is, once they stopped worrying about it, it just happened naturally. I know, though, that it''s so difficult not to think about and wish for something that you want so very much. Either way, it sounds like when it does happen for you guys, you''re going to be a great mom!

 

[Maisie]

My sister has premature ovarian failure. She is 35 and is running out of time to get pregnant. She has 3 children already but has remarried and is desperate to have a baby with her husband.

Her husband had testicular cancer in his teens. He has a very low sperm count. It seems like the odds are stacked against them ever having a baby.

She has been trying for a year now. Each month she phones me in tears when her period starts. Conceiving is all she thinks about. Its taking over her life. I can't talk to her about friends having babies as it really upsets her.

After a lot of thought I have offered to have a baby for her or to donate some of my eggs. She refuses. She just wants her own baby. I don't know how to help or support her though this. Its so hard watching her go through the disappointment month after month.

I hope you conceive soon. When you do it will be such an exciting time for you both.

 

[joflier]

Date: 9/12/2008 9:52:35 AM
Author: vespergirl
Italia, I'm sure it's going to happen for you guys. Did you say that you've only been trying since April of this year? I don't think that's long at all - I think that most doctors say that if you're trying for a year without luck, then you could consider seeing a doctor for help, but until a year passes, I think that's just normal 'trying.' I have a friend who was trying for a year, and they were about to see a fertility specialist, and then she got pregnant - so I guess that 'one year' rule may hold true. If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? I think the doctors say that if you're under 35, you shouldn't need intervention this quickly.

I do have to say this - I know people who pined for children for years, and tried, and even though there was no physical issue, they couldn't conceive. This one couple I used to babysit for, after 12 years of trying with no success, finally adopted a beautiful baby girl. What do you know, when she was only 4 months old, they conceived naturally (without trying!) and had a boy! The couldn't believe their luck, and then when he was 6 months old, the conceived AGAIN without trying (they figured lighting wouldn't strike twice?) and had another boy! After 12 years without kids, they ended up having 3 kids in 3 years, which made me a very busy babysitter

I guess the point of that story is, once they stopped worrying about it, it just happened naturally. I know, though, that it's so difficult not to think about and wish for something that you want so very much. Either way, it sounds like when it does happen for you guys, you're going to be a great mom!

This has happened with 2 different couples I know of. They both tried in vain for so long and were soooo stressed over it. Then went through the whole adoption process and conceived without really trying around the same time it was going through. One conceived 2 weeks before flying out to pick up their son, and the other concieved the week after they brought their child home......So I think there is something to the whole relaxation, and trying not to get too stressed out (esp. when your still in your 20s). Like if you've ever gone to the doctor for irregular periods, and they've asked if you've been under a lot of stress? I think stress messes up the whole ovulation thing sometimes.
Best of luck dear! Keep your chin up and keep on keeping on!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 9/12/2008 9:49:16 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Charting your cycles, and monitoring your mucous, is a really great way of saving your mental energy, and focusing your efforts, as it were! If you really want to become pregnant quickly, you could also try taking your temperature every morning, and charting that.
Would cut down the ''voices in your head'', knowing when you''re actually ''on''.

Yep, monitoring the mucous (bleh - one of the grossest words in the english language) really helps.

How regular are your cycles? Be sure to be "active" with DH from about 1 1/2 weeks AFTER your monthly cycle to another week right before the next one. Sperm can survive about a week (but I guess you probably know all this from ready lost of books) so just keep at it! Chase your DH around the house if need be. My husband became afraid of me for a few months there as I was so determined t get pregnant (it took 6 months for me)!

Best of luck to you. You''ve been trying for just five months now and I wouldn''t worry yet. I know how disapointing it is each month getting your cycle yet again, but you will have a baby before you know it.

Oh, and congratulations on quiting smoking!

 

[aprilcait]

I can''t give you any advice or tips but I just wanted to send you some hugs. I''m so sorry you and hubby are facing this, especially when it seems like you''re doing everything right.

You''re in my thoughts. **big hugs**

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 9/12/2008 11:34:13 AM
Author: joflier

Date: 9/12/2008 9:52:35 AM

Author: vespergirl

Italia, I''m sure it''s going to happen for you guys. Did you say that you''ve only been trying since April of this year? I don''t think that''s long at all - I think that most doctors say that if you''re trying for a year without luck, then you could consider seeing a doctor for help, but until a year passes, I think that''s just normal ''trying.'' I have a friend who was trying for a year, and they were about to see a fertility specialist, and then she got pregnant - so I guess that ''one year'' rule may hold true. If you don''t mind my asking, how old are you? I think the doctors say that if you''re under 35, you shouldn''t need intervention this quickly.


I do have to say this - I know people who pined for children for years, and tried, and even though there was no physical issue, they couldn''t conceive. This one couple I used to babysit for, after 12 years of trying with no success, finally adopted a beautiful baby girl. What do you know, when she was only 4 months old, they conceived naturally (without trying!) and had a boy! The couldn''t believe their luck, and then when he was 6 months old, the conceived AGAIN without trying (they figured lighting wouldn''t strike twice?) and had another boy! After 12 years without kids, they ended up having 3 kids in 3 years, which made me a very busy babysitter


I guess the point of that story is, once they stopped worrying about it, it just happened naturally. I know, though, that it''s so difficult not to think about and wish for something that you want so very much. Either way, it sounds like when it does happen for you guys, you''re going to be a great mom!

This has happened with 2 different couples I know of. They both tried in vain for so long and were soooo stressed over it. Then went through the whole adoption process and conceived without really trying around the same time it was going through. One conceived 2 weeks before flying out to pick up their son, and the other concieved the week after they brought their child home......So I think there is something to the whole relaxation, and trying not to get too stressed out (esp. when your still in your 20s). Like if you''ve ever gone to the doctor for irregular periods, and they''ve asked if you''ve been under a lot of stress? I think stress messes up the whole ovulation thing sometimes.

Best of luck dear! Keep your chin up and keep on keeping on!

Stress along with many other things can delay ovulation. That''s why charting and monitoring CM are essential to knowing when ovulation is occuring. For lots of women it doesn''t happen at the same time each month.

I know everyone''s trying to help, but it''s a huge pet peeve of mine (and about everyone I know who''s TTC) when people tell you "stop charting, just relax and it''ll happen." It happens when you time things right, and charting makes it a whole lot easier. It also makes many much less stressed out to know what''s actually going on with their bodies. There may be all kinds of anecdotal stories about people giving up and getting pregnant that same month when they weren''t even trying, but they still had to actually time things correctly, they just managed to do it without trying.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you ladies, all of you.

All of your words helped me feel better today, which is a first in a while. When you want a baby, it hovers over your head like a rain cloud and you can honestly think of nothing but. I know that only trying for 4 months isn''t a long time...but you''re right NewEnglandLady, I thought concieving would be a easy, because everyone makes you believe it will be...they actually scare you with the facts.

A little background....

I am 25, young, I know. I have always had irregular menstrual cycles, and in my late teens, I was on Ortho Lo to regulate my cycle and it worked well. Then my Aunt (fathers sister) developed breast cancer. My mother had had breast cancer when I was in my early teens...and my doctors started worrying about me, since like them, I have large dense breasts. Prior to my Mom, there was no family history of breast cancer....and now, within one generation, I am at huge risk being sandwiched between two ladies who have had breast cancer. Since I saw what my Mom and Aunt went thru (Mom''s was quick developing, as was my Aunts), and what effect it had on my sister and me being as young as we were, I decided to have a double mastecomy and reconstructive surgery...once, I was finished having children. In the six years since I stopped putting artifical estrogen in my system, I have had 2 scares on my yearly mamogram, and irregular periods. My DH and I want only one child--and I am adament about breast feeing. So there is a lot weighing on me and my desire to have this baby.

But, I am going to try to stop forcing myself...and start enjoying the process.

Thank you again ladies, I really appreciate your help and advice. Thank you, sincerely.

 

[diamondringlover]

It took me almost 3 years to have my youngest son, so I do understand your pain, hang in there you are still young, good luck and I hope everything goes well in the very near future.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am so sorry you and your DH are going through this. I can only imagine the frustration. One of my good friends TTCed for 9 months. She went to her doctor and she was going to start clomid the next month. Her doctor did an u/s and said she didn''t even O that month so call when AF came. Well what would you know *that* was the month she got preggo! Many couples take 6-12 months to conceive. I know it doesn''t seem fair but trust me a month here and there will not matter in the end. I would do the tests that you and your DH need to do to find out about her fertility. Hopefully it will be an easy fix.

In the meantime you will probably find great support in the TTC thread. It helps to know you aren''t going through it alone.

 

[Independent Gal]

Italia, am I mistaken or did you tell us once that you had been pregnant twice before and miscarried? Apologies if I have you confused with someone else, but I seem to recall you telling us how your doctor had told you not to quit smoking cold turkey while you were pregnant because it would be too much of a shock to your embryo.

Wasn''t that you? Again, apologies if it wasn''t.

If it was you, then, truly horrible as that is, it does mean that you can get pregnant. If you''ve only been at it since those losses for four months, that is well within the normal range for a woman your age, particularly if your body is still potentially recovering from those losses. Of course it is horribly frustrating, but having got pregnant twice before, at least you know it will happen!

Charting can give you a sense of control and more information about your cycle. And it is just plain interesting. I would recommend doing that for a while and then talking to your doctor again.

If you know for a fact you can get pregnant the old fashioned way, AI sounds a little extreme, especially after only trying for 4 months!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 9/12/2008 3:27:17 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Italia, am I mistaken or did you tell us once that you had been pregnant twice before and miscarried? Apologies if I have you confused with someone else, but I seem to recall you telling us how your doctor had told you not to quit smoking cold turkey while you were pregnant because it would be too much of a shock to your embryo.

Wasn''t that you? Again, apologies if it wasn''t.

If it was you, then, truly horrible as that is, it does mean that you can get pregnant. If you''ve only been at it since those losses for four months, that is well within the normal range for a woman your age, particularly if your body is still potentially recovering from those losses. Of course it is horribly frustrating, but having got pregnant twice before, at least you know it will happen!

Charting can give you a sense of control and more information about your cycle. And it is just plain interesting. I would recommend doing that for a while and then talking to your doctor again.

If you know for a fact you can get pregnant the old fashioned way, AI sounds a little extreme, especially after only trying for 4 months!

Yes, I miscarried twice before. Both times the desgestion was very young and both pregnancies were big surprises--although not unwelcome. Both MC''s were followed by DNC''s, which leave minor scarring. Couple that with irregular menstration...which is why, now that we''re TTC, I''m worried. Before, apparently, I got pregnant easily. Now, not so much. My Dr. did make certain advisements before based on my habits/addictions...however, she did stress clean living, and now that we''re openly trying, I am living a very clean life--couldn''t even tell you the last time I had a drink. Trying is totally different than a surprise, at least in my opinion.

AI was suggested based off my 2 miscarriages as a potential avenue for us to investigate. Originally I was turned off by the idea because I thought it meant I was infertile, or just could get preggers--when clearly I could...however my research showed that AI isn''t used just for those unable to concieve naturally, but also for those who potentially need a controlled pregnancy...which could be me, because of my 2 MC''s. Because obviously, something before was off.

I think, when it comes to what will work best for me, the best advice for that is to just follow my Dr''s lead...and let her, with her knowledge and degree, lead me into a healthy pregnancy. But thank you for the suggestion on charting...although with my irregular period, I fear I could become overly frusterated.

 

[pjean]

I''m sorry you''re going through this. It''s kind of ironic that the most common advice is to relax, and it''s also the most impossible to follow.

I have nothing useful to say, I just wanted to sympathize. I''ll be praying for you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you PJean, I appreciate it.

 

[corgan]

It took me a year and a half to get pregnant and I thought it was never going to happen. I went through all the tests as did my husband and everything was normal but we still were not getting pregnant. We also started a little earlier than we were going to but everything felt so right that we decided to go for it. I was so disappointed every month when it would be negative yet again. I also too could see how it was affecting my husband. We had a hard time through that and I am concerned about getting pregnant again for #2. I wish I could tell you what was the difference the month we got pregnant as opposed to the others but I am not sure what it was. We did go away just before to Nova Scotia but maybe that trip relaxed us I don''t know. Actually I found that trip stressful as I went with my brother and his girlfriend and I just don''t have a great relationship with him.

All I can say is that be pro active when dealing with your doctor. I kept asking for different tests to ease my mind and I am glad I pushed my doctor.

 

[pennquaker09]

I can''t say I know what you''re going through, but just letting you know my support is there and I hope it happens for you really soon!

 

[dani13]

Date: 9/15/2008 7:46:42 AM
Author: pennquaker09
I can't say I know what you're going through, but just letting you know my support is there and I hope it happens for you really soon!

Ditto, Penn. Italia, Im very sorry you are suffering- I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

 

[Dreamer_D]

I''m so sorry for your frustration and sorrow! TTC can be such an emotional journey. I just wanted to echo what others have said about "time"... 6 months is average which means half of health women take longer, usually up to a year. So patience, honey, it will happen.

Date: 9/12/2008 5:16:49 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
But thank you for the suggestion on charting...although with my irregular period, I fear I could become overly frusterated.

I just wanted to point out that if you have irregular periods, this is exactly the type of situation where charting--if not temps then at least cervical fluid-- can be a TTC lifesaver. Like NF mentioned, it is possible that the OPKs are just plain wrong for you.

Good luck, I wish you all the best.