feeling guilty about fsil

[Smurfysmiles]

So this has just been driving me nuts. I really had wanted to ask fi''s sister to be a bridesmaid but I also wanted my 2 sisters and my 4 best friends (yes I have 4!) to be in it. We had only been dating about 5-6 months when we got engaged so I really did not know her well enough to ask her...but now I am afraid I may have hurt her feelings by not asking her...I am planning to ask her to do the readings but is this something I should just let go or should I try to do something about it? I mean I already have 6 bridesmaids! hmmmmmm

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I asked her to do the reading today and she seemed happy about it
she said that she is actually really shy so maybe she prefers this to being a bridesmaid? i hope so

 

[Mediterranean]

I think ya done good!!

She is included in a meaningful way, but she doesn''t have the stress of being in the bridal party. In my group of friends there''s one girl who is so anxious and shy that she breaks into actual hives if she''s a BM. She can''t take all the attention, photography, party planning, socializing, etc., so we let her off the hook, LOL. Also, this is not a bad choice because the economy is playing havoc with a lot of people''s entertainment budget. It''s actually pretty considerate of you to spare her the expense.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

oh im so glad someone replied
im glad you dont think im a crazy b!+ch!

 

[honey22]

Date: 3/8/2009 5:06:42 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
oh im so glad someone replied

im glad you dont think im a crazy b!+ch!

Hehehe! We never said that you weren''t

Only kidding!!!!

I think it''s appropriate you asked her to do a reading, she is involved, but not so much that she might feel uncomfortable. At the end of the day, sometimes you just can''t include everyone to the extent you hoped.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 3/8/2009 6:23:38 PM
Author: honey22

Date: 3/8/2009 5:06:42 PM

Author: Smurfysmiles

oh im so glad someone replied


im glad you dont think im a crazy b!+ch!

Hehehe! We never said that you weren''t

Only kidding!!!!

Lol honey, you want take this out into the back alley?? Aw nm, I could never take ya, my biceps are the size of walnuts lol

 

[musey]

What makes you think she wants to be in the bridal party?

In all seriousness.

My soon-to-be sister-in-law asked me to be one of her bridesmaids and I was (and still am), above all else, confused and weirded out by it. It hasn't exactly been a fun experience so I'm sure that only adds to that feeling for me, and that it's not always the case. But honestly, I thought it was beyond odd that she asked me to be in the BP.


Probably had something to do with our approach to the BP (only those 100% closest and most important to us, no obligatory inclusions or "fillers" - which is also why we had uneven 'sides') as well.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Well I dunno...

I guess I never really asked for sure. she just seems excited about the wedding in general so i guess i assumed shed like to be more involved

i probably assumed wrong, i can be a dope like that sometimes though
i know she is helping to plan the bridal shower with her mom and is coming with on the bachlorette party and to the 1st dress fitting and lots of fun things so hopefully she wont feel left out

 

[musey]

She probably never even thought of it. You should only have asked her if she was genuinely important to you to have as a bridesmaid.

I think that women, 99% of the time, overestimate others' desire to take part in their wedding

 

[CrookedRock]

I think you did the right thing. Although if she''s shy, even a reading could bother her. But she agreed to do it, and that''s awesome. You don''t have to worry anmore!

Med and Musey bring up a really good point. Not everyone wants to be a BM. I have many friends getting married in the near future and I have discussed with all of them that I would not be offened if not in the wedding. They totally understand, as wedding''s really aren''t my thing. Hence running to the other side of the world and helicoptoring to the top of a mountain just to avoid one!

LOL

 

[honey22]

Date: 3/8/2009 6:35:27 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles

Date: 3/8/2009 6:23:38 PM

Author: honey22

Date: 3/8/2009 5:06:42 PM


Author: Smurfysmiles


oh im so glad someone replied



im glad you dont think im a crazy b!+ch!

Hehehe! We never said that you weren''t

Only kidding!!!!

Lol honey, you want take this out into the back alley?? Aw nm, I could never take ya, my biceps are the size of walnuts lol

Biceps?! I don''t have those, but I am sure I could do some damage if I sat on you

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I somehow missed this thread! I think you handled things extremely well. I''m glad it all worked out!

 

[JR320]

I also agree that you did the right thing! It sounds like you''ve included her in several ways, and she probably wasn''t assuming that she would be in your wedding party anyway.

I think Musey is right about brides overestimating how much people want to be in their wedding parties. I''m hoping so because I have the same issue with a friend who recently asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and I''m already at 6 and not intended to add another. So, I am planning on asking her to do a reading or sing.

I did ask my FI''s sister to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. We are both very close to our families and spend quite a bit of time with them. I''ve only hung out with his sister a couple of times without him, but I anticipate that we will become close friends as time goes on. I definitely see her as someone who will help support our marriage in the years to come, so it was important to both of us to have her stand up for us on our wedding day. She''s been really fun to have along for some of the planning things and was actually the most helpful when it came to choosing my dress - she was really excited, honest, and not emotionally invested in it. And it sounds like your future sister-in-law will be included in some of those things too, which is great!

I don''t think there are any right or wrong answers to these things.

 

[mrscushion]

I missed this thread. Sounds like you worked it out very well. Six bridesmaids! You''re going to have so much fun with your bridal party!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 3/8/2009 8:59:54 PM
Author: mscushion
I missed this thread. Sounds like you worked it out very well. Six bridesmaids! You''re going to have so much fun with your bridal party!

especially at the bachlorette party! woo! lol i think we have 16 of us girls going out as far as i know and a potluck bbq before we go out, theres going to be so much good food! im hungry just thinking about it lol

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 3/8/2009 6:36:00 PM
Author: musey
What makes you think she wants to be in the bridal party?


In all seriousness.


My soon-to-be sister-in-law asked me to be one of her bridesmaids and I was (and still am), above all else, confused and weirded out by it. It hasn''t exactly been a fun experience so I''m sure that only adds to that feeling for me, and that it''s not always the case. But honestly, I thought it was beyond odd that she asked me to be in the BP.



Probably had something to do with our approach to the BP (only those 100% closest and most important to us, no obligatory inclusions or ''fillers'' - which is also why we had uneven ''sides'') as well.

I think most people are closer to their siblings than you are with your brother. Don''t think of it as smurfy asking a girl she hardly knows to be a bridesmaid, but more allowing this girl to participate in her brother''s wedding. I would hardly call someone''s sister a "filler". I think of both sides of the wedding party as supporting both the bride and groom, so if I had a brother, I would definitely expect my FI to ask him to be a groomsman. Both of my sisters are my bridesmaids, and I asked his sister to be a bridesmaid because I know she''ll definitely be an important part of our lives, even moreso than my best friends.

I think it''s fine not to ask siblings to be in the wedding party, but I don''t think it''s crazy or presumptuous to assume that they would like to be a part of the wedding. It really depends on the situation - in your situation, it was definitely weird!


Smurfy, I think you did fine, and it sounds like she still feels included and happy, so no sweat!

 

[kittybean]

I think you did the right thing, Smurfy, and I think it''s very considerate of you to include her in a meaningful way. I think it''s important to be welcoming to your new siblings, and it seems like you''re doing just that.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/8/2009 10:33:08 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure

Date: 3/8/2009 6:36:00 PM
Author: musey
What makes you think she wants to be in the bridal party?

In all seriousness.

My soon-to-be sister-in-law asked me to be one of her bridesmaids and I was (and still am), above all else, confused and weirded out by it. It hasn't exactly been a fun experience so I'm sure that only adds to that feeling for me, and that it's not always the case. But honestly, I thought it was beyond odd that she asked me to be in the BP.

Probably had something to do with our approach to the BP (only those 100% closest and most important to us, no obligatory inclusions or 'fillers' - which is also why we had uneven 'sides') as well.

I think most people are closer to their siblings than you are with your brother. Don't think of it as smurfy asking a girl she hardly knows to be a bridesmaid, but more allowing this girl to participate in her brother's wedding. I would hardly call someone's sister a 'filler'.

Just for the record, I was referencing siblings through "obligatory inclusions" not "fillers."

It's perhaps true that most people are closer to their siblings than I am to my brother (though that depends on what your impression of my closeness to my brother is), but that hasn't been my experience at all.

Regardless of my closeness (or not) to my brother, if it had been important to smurfy's fiance, he would have said so. It's his job to figure out whether it's important to him or his sister, not smurfy's. Since she didn't hear about it, I think it's safe to assume that no one expected her to be included in that way.

I should have disclaimed that what made it weird about being asked to be in my fsil's BP was not the fact that I am not SUPERDUPERCLOSE to my brother, but because I would have thought that they should have done the asking together (ie. "you are important to us"). Instead, I got this strange/contrived "you're important to me" letter from a girl I barely knew.

I think of both sides of the wedding party as supporting both the bride and groom, so if I had a brother, I would definitely expect my FI to ask him to be a groomsman. Both of my sisters are my bridesmaids, and I asked his sister to be a bridesmaid because I know she'll definitely be an important part of our lives, even moreso than my best friends.

I do too, but at the same time, his side was his side and mine was mine. If I wanted my brother(s) included, they would have stood on my side. If he had any siblings that he'd wanted to include, they would've stood on his side (regardless of their gender, is the point I'm trying to make). I wouldn't have asked my husband to put my brother on his side. But everyone is different, here.

I think it's fine not to ask siblings to be in the wedding party, but I don't think it's crazy or presumptuous to assume that they would like to be a part of the wedding. It really depends on the situation - in your situation, it was definitely weird!

I just think it's presumptuous to assume that they would like to be a part of the wedding enough so that one would feel guilty over not including them in their BP. I would think smurfy could/would have heard about this from her FI before feeling badly about it.

 

[meresal]

Smurfy: If she really wanted to be in the wedding, you would have heard about it from your FI. He would have heard about it either directly from FSIL herself, or from FMIL who called after hearing FSIL worried/sad about not being asked. (This is how I found out that my FSIL was upset that she might not be in the wedding. She was really worried, but I was just waiting for her to come visit so that I could ask her in person.)

I'm sorry, I don't remember, but do you have borthers that are going to be Groomsmen?
ETA: My only thought... if I was shy, I would much rather be in the bridal party, than speaking in front of the entire congragation. If you did make her a BM, would FI have another guy in mind to ask to be a groomsman?

 

[tlh]

I think it''s cool. She''ll do a reading, and not have to pay for a dress she''ll only wear once, and be all matchy matchy with a bunch of girls she may never see again. I like that she''s included.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

No I don''t have a brother I just have my two sisters. Fi JUST finallllllly found a 6th groomsmen and he also thought 7 was too big of a bridal party on each side. He''s still trying to come to terms with their being 12 people in our wedding party!

If I were shy I''d rather read really fast and get it over with, she said she was going to pick a short reading lol which is fine. If she were a bridesmaid she''d be in front of cameras and involved in all the things the crowd focuses on the wedding party for (at the reception and such)...personally if I were shy I''d rather do a reading but that''s just me...

 

[elrohwen]

Since Musey shared her story of not wanting to be in her SIL''s wedding (and not wanting SIL in her wedding), I just wanted to share my story of why I did pick my FSIL to be a bridesmaid. She''s FI''s only sibling (and I don''t have any) so it seemed natural to include her because they''re close. Basically, if she were a guy she would be included on his side, so I thought it was fair to include her on my side (plus, I could make FI pick one of my best friends who he''s not quite as close to and wouldn''t necessarily choose

). Other than her I only have a MOH, so it wasn''t a hard decision to go from one person to two. If the situation had been different, and if she and FI weren''t close, I wouldn''t have thought twice about not asking her.

In your case, with already having 6 bridesmaids, I think you totally don''t need to ask her or feel awkward for not asking her because you already have plenty of BMs that are super important to you. She''ll understand that if you kept adding every girl in your life you would have way too many! Hopefully she''s understand about it (it sounds like she is) and will be happy to do a reading and be a part of the wedding.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/9/2009 4:55:28 PM
Author: elrohwen
Since Musey shared her story of not wanting to be in her SIL's wedding (and not wanting SIL in her wedding)

Did I say that? I didn't mean to. My FSIL wouldn't have been in my wedding anyway, but the primary reason that it wasn't even considered is that she'd barely started dating my brother (I think they'd been together ~1 month) when we got engaged and asked our BP to participate in the wedding.

If my husband had a sister that he was close to, then by all means I'd have loved for her to be in the wedding. She would have stood on his side, though. Just like if I considered myself extremely close to my brothers, they would have stood up for me on my side.

Now that I type it, I think that that is where the disconnect is for me - we are extremely close to the people in our bridal party, and imagine that we will always be.

 

[Elmorton]

Smurfy, I just want to say I think you''re doing a great thing. I''ve been a reader at a wedding and I''m about to be a BM, and I gotta say...being a reader is MUCH better. Here''s how I spin it:

1) All eyes are on you for about a total of 60 seconds, maybe 130 if you count walking up to the microphone
2) You get to wear whatever you want, thus ensuring that you feel good about yourself, because you picked it out, right down to the color
3) You feel special, like a part of the wedding, but you don''t feel responsible for anything but 30 seconds of the wedding
4) You do not have to stand in a million and thirty photos (I think I was in 5 photos at my friend''s wedding - that was perfect)
5) You do not have to do anything associated with walking awkwardly with a guy you barely know
6) You still get to participate in the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (ie, hang out with the cool kids)
7) You''re not on guestbook duty.

I''m not saying that it isn''t an honor to be a BM, because I am really excited about the upcoming wedding that I''m in - but I am saying that being a reader is pretty darned awesomely fun. I''m sure your SIL is excited to be a part of your big day, but also maybe a little relieved to not have the responsibilities/expense/other stresses of being a BM. Plus, you can include your readers in all of the BM stuff - my friend certainly did. She invited me and her other reader to the before-wedding pedicure, we got our hair done with the BMs the day of, she gave us a gift similar to the BMs - it was really, really fun. Sounds like you''re going to be a great SIL to your FSIL