Father-in-law has passed away

[allycat0303]

Hi everyone,

I am not dealing with all this very well, and I feel so weak. I was there for the very last breath, and really, it was horrible. I always had the impression that death was peaceful, but it`s not. It was violent, and the whole thing was horrible. For the past few nights, I haven`t been able to sleep AT ALL because I keep picturing him taking that very last breath. This is the first time I have lost someone I loved, so I don`t know if anything I am feeling is normal.

I always thought that my fiance wouldn`t handle this well at all, but his strength astounded me. I think back to every night he spent at the hospital and the fact that he was there that last night for every single minute. Isn`t that crazy? I thought he was the one that would need support and instead it`s me. This might be strange, but during this whole thing, I discovered that my fiance is actually a better person then I thought. The depth of his love and committement to his family was MUCH beyond what I had attributed beforehand. And I would have qualified him before as a person to whom, family is very important even before all this. It goes to show how well his parents raised him.

The funeral will be on Saturday, I think it`s going to be very hard. Especially for fiance`s 2 older brothers who are falling apart. One is very, very angry. And the other, the doctors had to usher him out of the room because he refused to leave his father`s body (and he snuck back after to be with his father). They are both in various stages of denial/anger.

 

[choro72]

**hugssssssss**

 

[Skippy123]

Ally, I am so very sorry. It is normal to be feeling like that; I lost my MIL a year and a half ago and I didn't realize how upset I would be. Lean on each other at this time. Sending you (((hugs)))) and prayers and peace.

take care.

 

[teapot]

I am so sorry for your loss.

ETA: Ally, I just read your second post. When my FIL passed away, my DH was so strong, but the pain of losing his father hit him months later when he least expected it. Everything that you are feeling and he is feeling is perfectly normal. You and hockeyguy are lucky to have each other.

 

[Allison D.]

Ally, so incredibly sorry for your/Hockeyguy''s loss. I hope you can draw strength from each other to comfort you in this sad time.

 

[Kelli]

I''m so sorry for your loss Ally.

 

[Bia]

I''m sorry Ally

My deepest condolonces to you and your FI. (((hugs)))

 

[somethingshiny]

I just read your post. I''m sorry for your loss and I hope you all recover quickly. Your family is in my prayers.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 2/17/2009 1:54:25 PM
Author: allycat0303
Hi everyone,

I am not dealing with all this very well, and I feel so weak. I was there for the very last breath, and really, it was horrible. I always had the impression that death was peaceful, but it`s not. It was violent, and the whole thing was horrible. For the past few nights, I haven`t been able to sleep AT ALL because I keep picturing him taking that very last breath. This is the first time I have lost someone I loved, so I don`t know if anything I am feeling is normal.

I always thought that my fiance wouldn`t handle this well at all, but his strength astounded me. I think back to every night he spent at the hospital and the fact that he was there that last night for every single minute. Isn`t that crazy? I thought he was the one that would need support and instead it`s me. This might be strange, but during this whole thing, I discovered that my fiance is actually a better person then I thought. The depth of his love and committement to his family was MUCH beyond what I had attributed beforehand. And I would have qualified him before as a person to whom, family is very important even before all this. It goes to show how well his parents raised him.

The funeral will be on Saturday, I think it`s going to be very hard. Especially for fiance`s 2 older brothers who are falling apart. One is very, very angry. And the other, the doctors had to usher him out of the room because he refused to leave his father`s body (and he snuck back after to be with his father). They are both in various stages of denial/anger.

I have been in a similar situation Ally, the deaths I have seen have been a struggle ( although I know it isn't always that way) and these things do stay with you particularly the most traumatic parts, its normal sweetheart. If you are having difficulty and remember you have been through one heck of a lot recently, maybe see a counselor?

 

[FireGoddess]

I am so sorry for your''s and Hockeyguy''s loss, Ally.

 

[zhuzhu]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, my deepest condolences.

 

[GoodSoul]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You guys have gone through a lot recently and it must be extremely hard on everyone.

I was in similar (though not even close) position as I witnessed my father''s heart stopped twice in the ICU after his heart operation recently. It was difficult sight to digest and handle and it took me awhile to get over it. I can only imagine the pain that you guys are going through.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

Take care.

 

[KimberlyH]

Alley, I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

[soocool]

allycat: I fully understand what you are feeling, but in a somewhat different way. I was not in the room when my mom took her last breath and I feel so badly that I wasn''t there at that very moment. No one was there. We had just left about 20 minutes prior. We were assured by the doctor that she would linger a few more days, but she did not. I felt terrible knowing that she was alone at the very end.

After a while I kept thinking about this and came to the realization that mom passed when we left because she did not want us to see her take her last breath. She died by her rules in the end. I think it is what she wanted. She knew we were there for her and I now know that I did all I could. Death is harder on those left behind. Your FIL suffered a great deal and is now at peace.

The funeral will be hard and your FI may handle it very well. It will be right after its over and everyone goes home when it will truly hit him or at some other time when you least expect it. It is normal. It is how you grieve and everyone grieves in their own way. But just remember it gets easier with time. My daughter was 12 at the time and I think it was the hardest on her but she is fine now and she always carries a picture of her grandmother with her and kisses it everyday.

I am thinking of you and FIL and my heart goes out to the 2 of you. Be happy you have each other at this most difficult time.

 

[Lorelei]

Thinking of you dear.

 

[Kim N]

Ally, I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you, your fiance, and his family. How wonderful that your fiance was able to talk to his father all night, and how lovely your father-in-law's words to you.

 

[cammy85]

ally, i''m terribly sorry to hear about your father in law. he sounded like a wonderful person.

(((hugs)))

 

[AmberGretchen]

Ally, I''m so sorry that this is causing you such grief and hardship. I think, as Lorelei states, what you are feeling is normal considering what you (and your FI and his family) have been through. Everyone handles grief very differently, and just because you are more upset right now doesn''t mean you are weak or that there is anything wrong with you.

I do think that seeing a counselor might help - just to have someone outside the situation to talk it all through with, and get what you are feeling out in the open with someone understanding who isn''t grieving themselves.

 

[icekid]

oh ally love, I'm sorry I am so late to this thread (was out of the country on vacay), but I just want you to know my thoughts are with you and hockeyguy during this difficult time. I just finished my first full month in the MICU and watching families go through this daily is so draining in itself. I truly cannot imagine going through it with a loved one of my own. I know there are truly no words, but it sounds like he will always be with the two of you! Please know we are all here for you and if there is ever anything I can do, let me know!

ps- give my love to hockeyguy, as well! You are so lucky to have each other.

 

[vintagelover229]

Ally, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you at least had a chance to say goodbye, and that will help a lot in the long run. My heart and thoughts go out to you in this tough time. At least he isn''t suffering any longer.
I can''t beileve i missed this thread! HUGS

 

[Lorelei]

Still thinking of you.

 

[Clairitek]

Thinking of you and your family Ally this weekend.

 

[elle]

I''m so sorry Ally. You and your family are in my prayers. I wish you peace.

 

[Lorelei]

Still thinking of you.

 

[allycat0303]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to let you know that I''m feeling better. The funeral was this weekend, and it felt really good to say goodbye. It gave us all closure, although it was an exhausting weekend, which I don`t want to repeat any time soon. I''ve started sleeping well again, and I have stopped having flashbacks. I think the sadness will start to diminish in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I''m trying to keep going with my life, because I know he would hate it, if we all stayed sad because of him.

Thank you for all the support through this terrible loss.

 

[Kelli]

So glad to see you are doing better, and recognizing that he would have wanted it that way.

 

[Clairitek]

So glad to hear you''re doing better with this stuff Ally and that the funeral gave you and your family some relief and closure. I hope you continue to improve and get more sleep.

 

[Lorelei]

Thanks for the update Ally. Praying for comfort for you and HG's family. I know your FIL was so proud of you and loved you very much.

 

[Gayletmom]

Ally,
I haven''t been around for awhile and just saw your post. I know that you have had a rough time lately and just wanted to offer my prayers and condolences to you, your fiance and your families. I''m so very sorry.

(((hugs)))