Family Ring vs. New Ring - Looking for advice

[maebelle]

I know we don't know the situation, but it really seems to me, if your girlfriend made a point of "visiting" the ring every time you went to her mother's house, that her mother must have known full well that your girlfriend wanted that ring. The situation smells very fishy to me. Most mothers would be delighted to pass a ring down to their daughters. And of course I understand financial hardship, but even if your FMIL is badly in need of money, if she knew how badly her daughter wanted that ring, she should have talked to her to say "I'm sorry, honey, I know how much you love that ring, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to sell it." I mean, seriously. I just can't fathom a loving mother behaving otherwise. To spring this on you instead of talking to her daughter is really unfair. I'm sorry you've been put in this situation.

If I were your girlfriend, I would want to know. I think your best [least bad] course of action is to tell your girlfriend what happened and let her decide how she wants to proceed. Yes, this will probably cause drama between your girlfriend and her mother, and I'm sorry for that. You didn't cause that drama, her mother did. All you can do is present the facts as they stand, and try as hard as you can not to sound emotional, just present the facts and your options for moving forward. To be honest, if I were your girlfriend, I would be so turned off of that ring after this development that I would say forget it and get something new in your price range. But that is for her to decide. I'm sorry that you'll have to ruin the surprise factor by talking to your girlfriend about this, but I really think it's the best course of action. Good luck.

This, this exactly. You think you just have to tell your Girlfriend, but in the nicest terms possible. Please get back to us with the results.

 

[Haven]

YUCK.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I agree with the previous posters that something definitely seems amiss here, and the only way to get to the bottom of it is to involve your girlfriend.

I would just sit down and tell her what happened. I'm of the opinion that an engagement should never be a surprise, anyway--there should be a lot of discussion about marriage and expectations and wants and needs before the proposal occurs. This conversation would just be one more honest conversation between two adults who are planning to enter into marriage together. (Of course--the *actual* proposal can be a surprise, just not the fact that you *are* proposing, yanno?)

I hope your FMIL has a good reason for trying to charge you the appraisal value of the ring (or, I hope she's just plain clueless and doesn't know any better.) Either way, I think you'd be wise to involve your girlfriend in the situation before you decide whether to go back to your FMIL or purchase an altogether new ring.

 

[EHR2009]

I have never seen an appraised value that equals what you would ACTUALLY pay for the ring... I agree with the other posters about finding out exactly what it would REALLY sell for.

 

[blueberrydot]

The next time your gf brings up the ring (perhaps you could take her to "visit" it again), you might want to ask her what the situation is with the ring. If it sounds like she's assuming that her mom will just hand over the ring, you could perhaps point out that maybe her mom would want to hold onto the ring for whatever reason, and gauge your gf's reaction. Perhaps it will turn out that she knows her mom is expecting you to buy it off her and you can then tell her that purchasing the ring will be beyond your reach.

It really leaves a bad taste in my mouth that her mom wants to you to pay the appraised value for it. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe that she is genuinely clueless about the diamond valuation and has no idea that the appraisal price is nowhere near its actual value, but I find that unlikely. It sounds like she's hung onto this diamond for a while now and if she had ever even looked into selling it, she should have a better idea of what that ring is actually worth. Normally I would suggest explaining to her that appraisals typically value a diamond much higher than it's worth and also suggest that she take it to a jeweler, or several jewelers, and so she could see what is actually a reasonable price for it but I'd only do that if I were sure that she truly doesn't know anything about the diamond market. I'd like to think she's not actually trying to squeeze you for more money than she knows the diamond is worth, but I really doubt it.

Whatever you do, if it turns out that grandma's ring won't be an option I recommend letting her know before the proposal that you won't be able to give it to her. The last thing you want when you're on bended knee is to see a flicker of confusion/shock/dismay/whatever cross her face when she sees what's in the box, you know? I can pretty much guarantee that if she truly has her heart set on this ring and is expecting to receive it, she is not going to be pleasantly surprised to see another ring in its place, even if she's putting on a happy face. Best to get it all out in the open beforehand so that there are no surprises to mar the happiness of a proposal. In the end maybe she will be even happier to be able to pick out her own ring!

Best of luck to you - let us know how it goes!

 

[iugurl]

I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe that she is genuinely clueless about the diamond valuation and has no idea that the appraisal price is nowhere near its actual value, but I find that unlikely.

MANY, MANY people are absolutely CLUELESS about diamonds, let alone the appraisal price. In fact, I would say that it is more likely than not, that she is unaware that the appraisal price is not equal to the actual value. I am not sure you think it is unlikely considering the amount of people who know nothing about it

 

[OCmom3xboys]

Which appraisal value is your gf's mother going by? Retail value or replacement value?

 

[rosetta]

Oh my.

Talk about an awkward situation.

Personally, I would not buy a ring off someone who inherited it off her mother, to give it to her own daughter. I'm sorry, but that's not how any loving mother I know would behave.

However, I believe it's more traditional to receive an heirloom ring that has been passed down the groom's side, no? Do you have such a ring? If not, I would buy a new one, but be prepared for a difficult convo with your girlfriend.

If I found out my fiance blew our house deposit buying my grandmother's ring from my own mother, I would be livid. I would just appreciate him being honest with me instead.

And you can be damn sure I'd ask my mother what the hell she was thinking if she truly lead me to believe the ring was to be passed down to me. And believe me, it would not be a pretty sight.

I'm very sorry that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. That's no way to treat a son in law. My own mother would take the clothes off her own back for me, and most mothers would do the same.

 

[HaloBelle]

Oh my. That is downright despicable. I don't know who is at fault the most, but asking a future SIL to BUY a family heirloom off you to make your Daughter's engagement dream come true is - i don't even have words for that.

Any who, just want to echo everyone's sentiments. TELL the GF about the situation, be gentle, but tell her the truth. I would start with a 'visit' and ask about the situation with the ring (who gets it, is it for sale, etc) in the car on the way home.

lose, lose, lose situation so tell the truth. do not, please please, do not pay the mother anything. It will only cause problems later in the relationship.