Family Ring vs. New Ring - Looking for advice

[BHJK]

My current girlfriend is currently a LIW, and she is waiting on me. I'm in someone of a predicament and would love the option of some of the members of the forum.

My girlfriend has always made it known to me that there was a family ring that she wants, it was her late Grandmothers 25th wedding anniversary ring and her mother currently has it. Whenever we would visit her mother she would always go "visit" the ring, and told me that when the time came I was to go talk to her mother and to get the ring.

I recently took her mother out to dinner without my girlfriend knowing, asked about marrying her, everything went great her mother is very excited and couldn't be happier. The complication arose when I asked for the ring, My GF and I always assumed that this family heirloom would be passed down, but her mother would prefer to sell the ring to get the cash out of it, and I'm interested in the ring I would need to buy it at it's appraised value.

Despite the fact that buying a heirloom family ring is unconventional I would be willing to do it, if I could afford it. The ring is worth 3-4x the amount that I can afford, and even If I could afford it I would never spend that much money without including my girlfriend in the decision.

So my options

-Tell my girlfriend that I can't get her grandmothers ring and bring her ring shopping, this will turn into a discussion on why I don't have her grandmothers ring, and some drama between my girlfriend and her mother

-Buy another ring and propose. She will ask why I don't have her grandmothers ring and I will have to explain, hopefully she will be distracted by having a ring and being engaged that that the drama will be minimized. This will also require me having to tell my girlfriends mother that I no longer want/can't afford the family ring.

- Buy the ring from my mother in law, girlfriend gets the ring she wants, but I will have to explain why the house down payment is gone.

What's also frustrating is that my girlfriend has no interest in jewelry, I've never seen her wear any and we have never talked about rings because she always assumed she would be receiving her grandmothers ring. We just want to be engaged and focus on the next stage of our life, I never thought it would be this complicated

Anyone have any other ideas?

 

[princesss]

Ooooh, sticky situation.

Definitely don't get rid of the down payment on the house.

Did her mom ever tell her that the ring was going to be passed down to her, or did she just assume? Because if she just assumed, the fault lies with her, unfortunately.

I'd buy a ring you can afford (with her input) and tell her you're starting a new tradition, and she can pass this ring on to her daugher.

 

[amc80]

Tough situation. Here's what I would do-

Next time conversation turns toward the ring, I'd ask your gf if she's sure the ring is to be handed down to her. It sounds like she's always assumed that it would be, but obviously, this is not the case. Even if she says it is, ask her if she's actually spoken to her mom about it specifically. Even if she says yes, I'm assuming she would then have a conversation with her mom about it...at least, that's what I would do.

I definitely wouldn't use all of your savings, meant for a house, to buy her mom out.

If you want to avoid a conversation all together, maybe buy a temporary (non diamond, maybe her birthstone or the stone from the month you are planning to propose, or some other month that is meaningful (hopefully these aren't all April)) ring and propose with that.Then explain to her the options.

 

[kagordo4]

If I were your girlfriend and I was in LOVE with my grandmother's ring, I would want my boyfriend to tell me what's going on. Maybe I'm silly or vain but if I was proposed to with a different ring with no info on the situation I would think you had not listened to what it was that I wanted. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I would be honest with her BUT do not, I reapeat, DO NOT pin her mother down as the bad guy. Don't do it. That's drama waiting to explode.

I would say "Honey (or insert whatever form of endearment you prefer), I love you. Have you discussed your grandmother's ring with your mother?" blah blah blah, "Well, your mother needs/wants/must/ (whatever) sell the ring, or she would like me to buy it from her."

Be gentle but be honest. You're sort of in a lose-lose-lose situation. Honesty is the ONLY way out.

 

[iugurl]

That is really tough! I guess I think that you should talk to her. It might cause drama with her mother, but if her mom did promise her the ring, then your GF deserves an explanation, and if she just assumed, well... her mom will set her straight. Otherwise, you have no idea what type of ring she would want. Both her and you have been counting on that ring, so I am sure you haven't discussed what style of ring she would want. Even if you guessed what ring style she likes, the proposal itself IMO is enough of a surprise, let alone SURPRISE this is not the ring you wanted/expected.

You could do a reproduction of her grandmother's ring, if she wants, but I would not do it as a surprise. She might not pick the style of her grandmothers ring, if it did not have the sentimental value attached with it. How old is the grandmothers ring? If it is not old enough to be an antique (even if it is), she might have a hard time selling it. I mean, you can buy a ring today that is worth/appraised at 25,000 but tomorrow, you could NOT sell it for 25,000. Has she had any offers on it? I might let her try to sell it and see how much people are willing to pay for it.

 

[FuturePsyD]

100% DON"T get rid of your house down payment for the ring! There are other ways around this without having to do that.

My first question is, other than her grandmother's ring, do you know what style of engagement rings your girlfriend likes?

If you do, or if you find that she is not particularly picky, my suggestion would be to go ahead and get another ring and propose. If it were me, I would not want to have a whole bunch of drama before the proposal and I would appreciate that you handled it the best way you could. She will know that you listened to her because you obviously spoke to her mother about it and you have a VERY good reason for not proposing with her grandmother's ring, so I wouldn't feel ignored or dismissed.

It's not your fault that her mother wants to sell you a ring you can't afford, so the next step is for you to purchase a ring that you CAN afford, even if it means that it is something else. Many girls have dream rings that their boyfriends cannot afford, whether its because the ring is designer or what have you. So please don't feel alone, this is a common situation for girls to get a ring other than what they hoped for. It happens around me ALL the time. By telling your girlfriend, you can't change the situation. Unless you need to take her ring shopping, I would just wait to discuss this after you have proposed.

Also, does she want her grandmother's ring strictly due to sentimental reasons or does she love the design? If she loves the design, perhaps you can have one made at a price point you can afford?

Good luck, keep us updated.

 

[bookshelf]

Talk to you girlfriend about it.

I am going to be using an inherited ring (though mine is already in my possession), so I tried to put myself in your girlfriend's/your shoes. I have two thoughts.

First and foremost, this ring belongs to your girlfriend's family. She needs to work this out with her mother. A woman's relationship with her mother is often a very particular one, and it seems better for her to handle this discussion than for you to. If there was some misunderstanding about her inheriting the ring, she needs to hear that from her mother. Any conversation you have with her mother about purchasing a family heirloom seems doomed for disaster to me.

Second, I love the diamond I have inherited, but I'm not sure it is exactly what I would have chosen if I were starting from scratch (I've never really thought about it, since I was given the inherited ring long before I started thinking about engagement rings). Your girlfriend (like me) may not have put a lot of thought into what she would want if not her grandmother's ring because she never thought it would be an issue. You two probably have not much discussed either the style or the budget of an alternative ring, since neither of you thought it would be an issue. She, I would imagine, would want to be involved in both of these discussions.

Good luck.

 

[mariewest]

First, that is kind of mean that the MIL won't just give you the ring and wants the cash. Second, I wouldn't sacrifice the money saved for a house towards the ring. I think you need to just tell your SO that you talked to her Mom and let her know the situation. Perhaps she could even convince her Mom to let you have it for free, or at the very least, she can maybe look at other rings for engagement rings, and maybe you can buy that ring off the MIL for your 25th wedding anniversary (...or get it in a will).

 

[suchende]

I'll bet the ring isn't worth what the MIL thinks it is. Why don't you ask her to have it priced by a willing buyer, NOT an appraisal, and see if it's more in line with what you can afford? Maybe find a comparable ring on EBay and see what they're actually selling for.

Honestly I don't think your relationship with this woman is ever going to be all that strong so playing a little hardball (as she's shown herself willing to do) wouldn't really hurt.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

That's really tough...

Heres what I would do...

Call her Mom, tell her that you cannot afford the ring and explain that you simply cannot afford the appraised price. Explain that you can afford X...and offer her that. If she takes it, awesome...if not, involve your girlfriend. Explain to your GF tried to get the ring, present her with the options you listed. She'll probably be reasonable and hopefully understanding that you cannot control what you cannot control.

Sorry for the drama...but congrats none the less.

 

[Dancing Fire]

.

I recently took her mother out to dinner without my girlfriend knowing, asked about marrying her, everything went great her mother is very excited and couldn't be happier. The complication arose when I asked for the ring, My GF and I always assumed that this family heirloom would be passed down, but her mother would prefer to sell the ring to get the cash out of it, and I'm interested in the ring I would need to buy it at it's appraised value.
Anyone have any other ideas?

don't pay her the appraised value... it is always too high.her mother will be very lucky IF she can sell the ring for 50% of the appraised value.

 

[Anonymous]

What a ring will appraise for in "replacement value" for insurance is about 40-50% more than a used ring - which is what she's selling. Personally, I think it's odd that she wants to sell it for what it appraises for when it's going to go on her daughter's finger.

 

[iugurl]

If you do, or if you find that she is not particularly picky, my suggestion would be to go ahead and get another ring and propose. If it were me, I would not want to have a whole bunch of drama before the proposal and I would appreciate that you handled it the best way you could.

I respectfully disagree. I think that it would be better to get the "drama" out of the way before. You do not want her, 10 to 20 minutes after you propose, to ask why don't you have grandma's ring? I think it would be better to have everything out in the open beforehand. I think that the night of the proposal emotions are running high (in a good way) but once she learns about her mother not giving it to you those high emotions can lead to a stressful event.

I think you should just tell her the truth. Just the facts. That way you are not trying to make her mother the "bad" guy.

 

[Dancing Fire]

If you do, or if you find that she is not particularly picky, my suggestion would be to go ahead and get another ring and propose. If it were me, I would not want to have a whole bunch of drama before the proposal and I would appreciate that you handled it the best way you could.

I respectfully disagree. I think that it would be better to get the "drama" out of the way before. You do not want her, 10 to 20 minutes after you propose, to ask why don't you have grandma's ring? I think it would be better to have everything out in the open beforehand. I think that the night of the proposal emotions are running high (in a good way) but once she learns about her mother not giving it to you those high emotions can lead to a stressful event.

I think you should just tell her the truth. Just the facts. That way you are not trying to make her mother the "bad" guy.

but she is the bad guy in this case.i mean...how can she ask her future SIL to buy grandma's ring off of her??...

 

[diamondseeker2006]

If you do, or if you find that she is not particularly picky, my suggestion would be to go ahead and get another ring and propose. If it were me, I would not want to have a whole bunch of drama before the proposal and I would appreciate that you handled it the best way you could.

I respectfully disagree. I think that it would be better to get the "drama" out of the way before. You do not want her, 10 to 20 minutes after you propose, to ask why don't you have grandma's ring? I think it would be better to have everything out in the open beforehand. I think that the night of the proposal emotions are running high (in a good way) but once she learns about her mother not giving it to you those high emotions can lead to a stressful event.

I think you should just tell her the truth. Just the facts. That way you are not trying to make her mother the "bad" guy.

but she is the bad guy in this case.i mean...how can she ask her future SIL to buy grandma's ring off of her??...

Oh, yay!!! I was waiting for someone to say what I was thinking and it took DF to do it!!!

I am appalled at this! As a mother, I consider every jewelry purchase in terms of what I will leave my girls. Never in my wildest imagination would I charge money for a ring that was going to my daughter!!! There is something very wrong with this picture and I would not pay ONE CENT for that ring!!! I agree the girl needs to have a heart to heart talk with her mom!!!! Otherwise, buy a nice ideal cut round and put it in a plain setting and then let her choose another setting after you propose.

 

[iugurl]

Maybe she needs the money? She may have been counting on the sale of that ring for a future car, vacation, bills etc. I don't think she is the "bad" guy. Just because her daughter wants the ring, does not mean she should get it. I want a lot of things my mother and grandparents have but I don't blame them for "keeping them from me." I think if she was promised the ring, and now her mom is reneging, then yeah she is at fault. But, if the daughter just wants it, then no her mom is not a bad guy. My grandparents have an awesome Cadillac that I would love to have. But I know that they get a new car every year, and will be trading in their current car for a new car. If I came to them wanting the car, they would not just give it to me! They would offer to sell it to me (maybe at a discounted price idk). I would never consider them "bad" because they didn't give it to me.

 

[suchende]

Maybe she needs the money? She may have been counting on the sale of that ring for a future car, vacation, bills etc. I don't think she is the "bad" guy. Just because her daughter wants the ring, does not mean she should get it. I want a lot of things my mother and grandparents have but I don't blame them for "keeping them from me." I think if she was promised the ring, and now her mom is reneging, then yeah she is at fault. But, if the daughter just wants it, then no her mom is not a bad guy. My grandparents have an awesome Cadillac that I would love to have. But I know that they get a new car every year, and will be trading in their current car for a new car. If I came to them wanting the car, they would not just give it to me! They would offer to sell it to me (maybe at a discounted price idk). I would never consider them "bad" because they didn't give it to me.

I agree with this, but the fact remains that she's not going to get the appraised value for the piece. OP may be able to prevent a great tragedy of this ring leaving the family by helping appropriately value the ring before OP's FMIL sells it to a pawn shop.

 

[yssie]

I think it's weird that daughter just assumed that she would get grandma's ring... you don't just automatically jump to that conclusion unless there was some commentary, some discussion that gave her this idea. Did grandma promise her the ring for her engagement? Did mum? Or did she just - assume, out of nowhere?

There is a missing link here, methinks. And daughter should be the one to have that convo with her mum.

 

[swingirl]

I think it's weird that daughter just assumed that she would get grandma's ring... you don't just automatically jump to that conclusion unless there was some commentary, some discussion that gave her this idea. Did grandma promise her the ring for her engagement? Did mum? Or did she just - assume, out of nowhere?

There is a missing link here, methinks. And daughter should be the one to have that convo with her mum.

I agree. If the mother is the legal heir to the ring it's hers to keep, pass down or sell. If gramma left the ring to your GF, then it's already hers. You need more information--like who owns the ring today. And what agreement/promise/will was made to make your GF think it should be hers while her mother is still alive? But that's between mother and daughter.

In this case you were put in an awkward position by asking for a ring that wasn't your GF's. Get this issue straightened out before you proceed with an engagement because this might cause a bigger rift. Then get a ring you can afford unless gramma's ring is offered to you to for a realistic price.

 

[FuturePsyD]

If you do, or if you find that she is not particularly picky, my suggestion would be to go ahead and get another ring and propose. If it were me, I would not want to have a whole bunch of drama before the proposal and I would appreciate that you handled it the best way you could.

I respectfully disagree. I think that it would be better to get the "drama" out of the way before. You do not want her, 10 to 20 minutes after you propose, to ask why don't you have grandma's ring? I think it would be better to have everything out in the open beforehand. I think that the night of the proposal emotions are running high (in a good way) but once she learns about her mother not giving it to you those high emotions can lead to a stressful event.

I think you should just tell her the truth. Just the facts. That way you are not trying to make her mother the "bad" guy.

Ok, you can disagree!

I'm just stating MY opinion on what I would want IF I was his girlfriend. She stated what she wanted, he tried, he couldn't get the ring she wanted (which happens to MANY women and many guys don't go running to their GFs, they do what they can).

 

[4ever]

I think you need to speak to your GF, this is more important than the "surprise" factor IMO.

You said your GF "visits" her grandmas ring at her moms house, to me if her mum allows this she's either told her daughter it will be hers one day or at least not told her she intends to sell it!

I agree that it is not worth what's it's valued at if it is the replacment value, this is not what it is worth on the 2nd hand market.

Also, asking you to buy the ring is just awkward, not just now, but say you two break up before the wedding, you paid for the ring so technically it's yours, but you can't not give your GF back her family ring unless you're a jerk.

It's a family issue, I say your girlfriend needs to speak to her mum about it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I think you need to speak to your GF, this is more important than the "surprise" factor IMO.

You said your GF "visits" her grandmas ring at her moms house, to me if her mum allows this she's either told her daughter it will be hers one day or at least not told her she intends to sell it!

I agree that it is not worth what's it's valued at if it is the replacment value, this is not what it is worth on the 2nd hand market.

Also, asking you to buy the ring is just awkward, not just now, but say you two break up before the wedding, you paid for the ring so technically it's yours, but you can't not give your GF back her family ring unless you're a jerk.

It's a family issue, I say your girlfriend needs to speak to her mum about it.

soooo,be sure to get a good return policy just in case...

 

[iugurl]

Also, asking you to buy the ring is just awkward,

I don't think she really asked him to purchase it. If her plan all along has been to sell it, and then he asks to *have* it, what is she supposed to say? She simply said that she was going to sell it.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

.

I recently took her mother out to dinner without my girlfriend knowing, asked about marrying her, everything went great her mother is very excited and couldn't be happier. The complication arose when I asked for the ring, My GF and I always assumed that this family heirloom would be passed down, but her mother would prefer to sell the ring to get the cash out of it, and I'm interested in the ring I would need to buy it at it's appraised value.
Anyone have any other ideas?

don't pay her the appraised value... it is always too high.her mother will be very lucky IF she can sell the ring for 50% of the appraised value.

I agree with this. Maybe you could get her to take it to a pawn shop and see what they offer, when she realizes it's much lower than the appraised value she may let you purchase it for less?

 

[Sizzle]

I would get her a solitaire ring from you and if she wants the ring from her mother she can tell her she wants that as her something old. I don't understand why women are so hell bent to wear something from their own biological family to symbolize marriage anyway. Her mom asking you to buy it is just creepy. Ask for a lower price and you come off as cheap, pay what she wants and exhaust your savings.

Seems clear to me.

 

[confusedaisy]

Eeek- not a nice way to start your "new life" with her family.

I agree with the previous posters- either offer your fmil half of the appriasal or what you can actually afford (or tell her to try and sell it and see what she can get for it and then see if you can match it) or tell your gf about the situation and how you can't afford/don't want to jeapordize your future home savings for the heirloom ring but would like to get a special ring just for her that you know she will like.

Crappy situation. Let us know what you decide to do. Good luck!!

 

[briolette]

First off, you are a very devoted fiancee to take her mom out to dinner and ask about the ring. It shows you are committed to making your future wife happy and feel close to her family.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation because from every angle there's possible drama. I personally think it was up to your gf to talk to her mom about the ring because I would never want to put my SO in that kind of situation and potentially drum up in-law drama, but every family is different.

I share the reaction that it bothered me that the mother would ask you to buy the ring at value. However, it could very well be that she needs the money or for whatever reason she didn't want her daughter to have it (perhaps a bad memory associated with it, but mom was obligated to wear it, maybe someone had offered her money for it already...no one will know the full story).

How about the option of both of you meeting with the mom and talking about the ring. Let your girlfriend speak to her mother and express her wishes.

What I am afraid of is that mom never promised the ring to her daughter, so daughter was hoping that you could somehow convince her.

Eitherway. Good luck!

 

[confusedaisy]

How about the option of both of you meeting with the mom and talking about the ring. Let your girlfriend speak to her mother and express her wishes.

This would be the perfect option but it might just equal drama with him in the middle.

Somethings not right about this situation but I wish you lots of luck and I really feel for you!

 

[Laughinggravy0]

Horrible situation.

You seem like a nice guy who's taking the wishes of your girlfriend to heart and well done for that. But this I think needs to be between the women concerned. You asked, you were told a price that is way higher than the mother will be able to sell for and if she was a pleasant woman she'd say that she'd contact her daughter and explain the situation once you gave her the go ahead to do so. The fact that she didn't offer to do so and gave you a totally inflated price does make me feel slightly queasy. This really isn't your problem now.

IMHO tell your girlfriend you are now looking for 'the' ring and you followed her advice and took her mum out but...... and so you'd be really happy and find it a privilege to go ring looking with her or, if she'd prefer, for her to source some inspiration pix and you take it from there. 'Alternatively, call your mum.'

At this point you've done all you can and anyone who rants is not being fair. You shouldn't be in this situation. I think, anyhoo..... then again, generally in my culture the ring isn't quite so central to it all, so perhaps I'm being insensitive.... if so, sorry.

Oh and no waaaay spend the house money, rings don't keep off the rain. Can't eat them either.

 

[blacksand]

I know we don't know the situation, but it really seems to me, if your girlfriend made a point of "visiting" the ring every time you went to her mother's house, that her mother must have known full well that your girlfriend wanted that ring. The situation smells very fishy to me. Most mothers would be delighted to pass a ring down to their daughters. And of course I understand financial hardship, but even if your FMIL is badly in need of money, if she knew how badly her daughter wanted that ring, she should have talked to her to say "I'm sorry, honey, I know how much you love that ring, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to sell it." I mean, seriously. I just can't fathom a loving mother behaving otherwise. To spring this on you instead of talking to her daughter is really unfair. I'm sorry you've been put in this situation.

If I were your girlfriend, I would want to know. I think your best [least bad] course of action is to tell your girlfriend what happened and let her decide how she wants to proceed. Yes, this will probably cause drama between your girlfriend and her mother, and I'm sorry for that. You didn't cause that drama, her mother did. All you can do is present the facts as they stand, and try as hard as you can not to sound emotional, just present the facts and your options for moving forward. To be honest, if I were your girlfriend, I would be so turned off of that ring after this development that I would say forget it and get something new in your price range. But that is for her to decide. I'm sorry that you'll have to ruin the surprise factor by talking to your girlfriend about this, but I really think it's the best course of action. Good luck.