Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

falling out with friend

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 7, 2004
Messages
6,332
Hey all I don''t usually post the personal topics, but I guess need to do the vent. I have a friend, actually someone I consider my best friend, and we are just not getting along. I had a pretty bad year in 2008 and dealt with that basically by holing up, doing my job, going home to family etc. For being female I''m not a touchy feely person, and so while I may bring up things that are affecting me I don''t go into detail because for my friends rather talk about other things, don''t want to dump on them. We typically meet almost every Sat to have lunch, and probably 9 times out of 10 she is late (could be 5, 10, 20 minutes sometimes 30 minutes). I wait until I get too hungry and then I order. Sometime she stands me up entirely. I recently got a cell phone (she has one also) but that hasn''t entirely corrected the problem because she may not answer the phone. 2 weekends ago I tell her that my daughter is tagging along. Unfortunately she was late again, and by the time my friend arrived the only place to sit was cattycorner to us. However as I was done eating I turned my chair to talk to her. My daughter was off in her own world, just looking at the wall decorations, just enjoying being there but not particpating in our conversation, which I thought was fine. At one point my friend says "what is it, don''t you want to talk to us?" pause "That''s ok, other people might think that''s rude but we''re friends, I forgive you." ??? She''s six years old, she''s not necessarily going to want to sit in our conversation nor would I necessarily want her too. I can tell that lunch was left on a less than satisfactory note. Sure enough about 20 minutes later my friend calls me very angry saying that she never wants to have lunch with me and * (my daughter) again and that she is a rude little child and also bringing up the gift she gave me at Christmas" I told her I was in a store (she was talking quite loudly), and that I would call her back. I came home almost shaking, and didn''t call her back until about 3 hours later, because I didn''t know what to say to her. My friend somewhat apologized but not really, not taking back what she said on the phone earlier.
Anyways I call her this Saturday to do lunch, trying to mend fences, she doesn''t call me back until after our usual eating time and I am starving about to make a sandwich, but agree to meet her at 1:15 at the place (40 minutes from then) because that''s when she can go. She is late AGAIN. Instead of waiting for her after 20 minutes I leave and pick up food and eat it at home. She calls when I get home saying she has a reason for being late and she''ll just come over. She does come over and eat her food, but never explains why she is late. She hangs out and I try to be cool, but she still ends up saying some somewhat passive agressive statements that I just don''t know how to handle. All I can say is whatever our relationship, it doesn''t seem to be working. Maybe she is going through a down period or something, I just don''t like our interactions right now.
 

brooklyngirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 9, 2007
Messages
1,071
WOW stay away from this woman. How dare she say nasty passive agressive crap about your 6 year old child? She sounds jealous of your daughter. I would call her out on it, and unless she apologizes profusely, I would drop her like a hot potato. Who needs people like that in their life?

Oh, and by the way, constantly being late and *standing someone up* is REALLY rude!
 

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 7, 2004
Messages
6,332
Yes, I do think it''s rude, especially that there have been times she has literally showed me up. I try to overlook it, but this past Saturday, it''s like I just don''t want to deal with this right now. There is also the issue where she was not for me having kids (she is not married, does not ever want to have kids, lives a more bohemian life). I always thought we could respect each others life choices, but it seems like it is coming between us in various things that she says. for example lamenting all her friends who she has lost touch with, about when they married, all they do is work and have kids (and I''m sitting there, wondering does she know how that sounds?)
 

brooklyngirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 9, 2007
Messages
1,071
She sounds jealous to me. I would definitely stay away from her. Why do you have to pander to someone who is always rude to you, and picks on your daughter to boot?

I guess she never stopped to think that she is not friends with those people anymore because of *her* attitude.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Cancel lunch...from here on forward. No need for negativity in your life.
 

Circe

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
8,087
She''s being a wretch. She might have lovely qualities otherwise, she might be a great person, she might have valid reasons ... but she''s still behaving badly, and she still deserves to be called on it.

I have a friend who can be similarly cavalier about the value of my time, and while I try not to blow up at her over it (I loathe displays of temper and I try not to indulge in them, particularly with friends whom I know to be "sensitive"), if she pulls that crap more than twice in a row, I will gently tease her about it. Past that? I''ll state, as flatly as I possibly can, that I know that we have different attitudes towards punctuality, but that this really gets to me and that I''d like her to keep an eye on it. And, because she''s *my* friend as I''m hers, if she knows it bugs me, she tamps it down.

Your friend is trying to get on your case for bringing your child, on the cases of other mothers for being involved with their offspring, but she''s the one who is behaving both childishly and selfishly. Yech. Hopefully, if you point that out to her, she''ll come to her senses and start acting like the grown woman that she is once more ....
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
That is very rude on her part to make passive aggressive comments about your 6 year old! I don''t think it matters what down periods she is going through she should not have anything against your daughter. Since you mentioned you''ve been going through a lot this past year I would advise you to just stay away from this friend for a while. Hopefully, she will come around and realize she is in the wrong. You have spent a LOT of your time, literally, waiting around for her to be there. Start focusing on yourself and whats best for your family... :)

Sorry she is being an awful friend.
 

justjulia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 4, 2006
Messages
2,308
People grow apart. Sad but true. You have to move on.
 

Lulie

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 5, 2009
Messages
342
People go through things, and G-d knows what''s going on w/her, perhaps too shy to share or? but at this point she picked on your child, BIG NO, NO! I''d stay away from her.
Maybe she''ll come around someday, enjoy your DD in the meantime
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
Yeah I''d let this one go. She''s not a good friend to you. Move on....
 

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 7, 2004
Messages
6,332
I actually think I know what it is about, but I don''t know if she''s even aware of it. For the past year she''s wanted to buy a house, but because of the way she lives, she has a very low price range she''s looking for. Combined with restrictions on her part she is finding very very few houses in her price range. All I can tell her is that we may not have hit bottom yet, and there is nothing wrong with renting, and that something might open up, but she is frustrated and upset. This is where some of the comments seem to be coming from, emphasizing how she will have to buy this house on her own (versus with a husband) calling a friends house a "mansion" (but not in a very nice tone) but saying they are probably upside down on their mortgage, other stuff. What I''ve always admired about her was her zen like being, relaxed and open even though living an untraditional and not very lucrative life, but this unsuccessful (so far) house search is like making her bitter against anyone who does have a house, and is uncharacteristic of her. I don''t know if I''m making any sense.
I am definitely not going to call her the next couple weekends, and if she calls, I''m going to say I''m maxed out on the Saturday lunches. I am not going to throw away this relationship but I need to take a break.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
Taking a break is a good idea. See how it goes. Best of luck.
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
Date: 2/2/2009 6:01:29 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Taking a break is a good idea. See how it goes. Best of luck.
Ditto. I really hope it all works out. Losing a friend or growing apart is hard.
 

Sabine

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 16, 2007
Messages
3,446
While I agree that her behavior is definitely inappropriate and rude, I have to say, I think you are slightly to blame for never calling her out on it in the past. By just accepting it, you have been sending the message to her that the behavior is okay and that you don''t mind. I don''t know if it would change anything, but I think if you want to salvage this relationship with her at all you need to have a real, honest, and serious conversation about what you both expect from each other.

In terms of what she said about your child, that was beyond unacceptable. All I can think is that if she doesn''t have kids of her own she may not know what kind of behavior to expect. Again, if you want to still be friends, you need to explain to her why what she said was wrong, unacceptable, and hurtful, and try to go from there.
 

Eva17

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 13, 2006
Messages
1,017
unfortunately things change.

people change

friendships change.

sometime, you just need to move on. she is not a good friend.
(you had a daughter, she doesn''t want any) by always being late, she doesn''t respect you or your time) not once, but time and time again. don''t allow this to happen anymore.


everything has it''s season!!!!
 

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 7, 2004
Messages
6,332
Brooklyn, Italia, circe, defintely Maybe, just julia Kaleigh (and whoever I missed) I appreciate yur comments. Sabine you have a point, I let it progress to this point where it has gotten worse, and I kept telling myselg that I wasn''t bothered by it but I was, and the behavior got worst. And I keep reliving comments she made last Sat, almost everything was a negative comment, from the type of yoga I did too the place I got takeout from. I almost want to call her to clear the air but want to wait till I can calm down about it.
 

brooklyngirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 9, 2007
Messages
1,071
Hmm, so it seems that she''s ragging on you, and you keep calling her to clear the air, and make up. What has she contributed to this friendship? Why not let her call you, and apologize?

You have nothing to clear the air about because you''ve done nothing wrong.
 

rainwood

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Mar 29, 2005
Messages
1,471
Do you really want to consider someone who treats you this badly your best friend? There doesn''t seem to be anything best about this relationship, at least for you. Taking a break sounds like a good idea, and maybe consider whether meeting so frequently is a good use of your time given that you''re on different paths. As others have said, people change, relationships change. Maybe this one needs to change too.
 

Porridge

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
3,269
Definitely let her call you! Sounds like you did nothing wrong here.
 

DebShine

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 13, 2009
Messages
239
Sadly, friends do grow apart. Taking a break is a good idea.

Check and make sure you are not co-dependent on this person in your life. My sister had 25-years of friendship with a "friend" who got used to sis being the one to "apologize". Now they don''t talk.

Sis finally realized that it was always her role to "make up" even if she didn''t do anything wrong. Once sis finally said "no - she can come to me - I did nothing wrong," her so called "friend" never did come. It hurt but sis did learn that she deserves more.

Good Luck.
 

Bia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 28, 2008
Messages
6,181
Unfortunately some friendships go through "blips," and a break is just the remedy. Hopefully is is just that she''s having a bad few months and is taking it out on you a bit. You sound like really good friends, so I understand not wanting to throw the relationship away. However, if that friendship becomes more of a burden than anything else (toxic) you might to reconsider staying away. You don''t want jealous, or ill-meaning people near you or your family (esp. children).

Good luck!
 

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 7, 2004
Messages
6,332
I talked to my Mom about it because the situation especially attacking my child was very hurtful to me. My mom felt like she may be going though a mid-life crisis, where you start revisiting everything in your life, sometimes in a not so positive fashion. I am sympathetic but I don''t want to be a doormat and am very sensitive (after having some bad instances) of not letting negative people in my life, that''s why this whole thing has been so shocking. I don''t want to be a fair weather friend but I don''t think she should take whatever''s going on with her out on me.
 

AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 6, 2005
Messages
7,770
She definitely shouldn''t take whatever is going on with her out on you (or your child!).

But it might be worth your while to ask her about it directly. It doesn''t have to be touchy-feely (I''m not either), but sometimes just acknowledging that you understand the difficulty of what someone is going through and listening to them talk it through can make a world of difference.

If you''ve already tried this though, I agree that distancing yourself is the best strategy - the chronic lateness shows a serious lack of respect for you and your time, and that would really bug me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top