Home Extended family - important for children?

[Maisie]

I don''t have a relationship with my mother or sister. They have turned on me since I reported my sister''s husband for abusing her daughter.

Gary''s mother lives over 300 miles away and none of his side of the family have anything to do with us because they don''t approve of me being older and having children when we married. They told Gary that they don''t see my children as family because he hasn''t adopted them.

How important is extended family to a child. Did you grow up with lots of relatives around? Are you isolated from your close family? Should I be trying harder to get his family to accept me so James will have a relationship with them?

Thanks for any help you can offer to help me see this more clearly.

 

[somethingshiny]

I can''t suggest what you do, I think that''s a very personal decision that you REALLY need to be comfortable with, especially given the circumstances (for your family). I think it''s odd that your DH''s family isn''t more available for your son though. My brother was with a woman who had a daughter and we all took to her immediately. My brother and the girlfriend split, and yes it was hard on our family, but we were glad we were able to give that little girl love. As it turned out, my brother got back with that girlfriend a few years later and eventually married her. They are currently expecting their second child together!

I grew up a thousand miles away from most of my family. I had one uncle and his family that lived within driving distance but we usually only saw them on holidays. One set of grandparents tried to come to see us once a year and we tried to see them every other Christmas. So, really not a lot of extended family as a child. (even though my family is HUGE!) We "adopted" people as our aunts, uncles, and even a grandma. "grandma" in particular became very close to us and I still see her often (funny, she was originally from where my parents were--we eventually lived within a mile of each other again!) I think every child NEEDS to have lots of loved ones, but they don''t have to be biological family members.

My family moved to be near to my extended family when I was 14. At that time I tried to get to know all of my aunts, uncles, cousins. I love all of my family but I don''t have a particularly close relationship with very many of them. (but that could be because there are just so many).

So, in summation....

, yes "family" is important. But "family" can be lots of different people who have no blood ties to you.

 

[Icce]

Wish I could be some help but I don't even know what to say to this. Sorry you have to deal with this nonsense. You did the right thing ... your sister should feel ashamed for allowing her daughter to continue to exposed to that while she knew about it. How exactly could you try harder with his family? Doesn't seem like you are being the unreasonable one. Sure extended families are great and can be supportive but if those are your choices than it may bring more negativity than good (sorry if this sounds harsh). Make him a brother or sister and extend the family yourself hehe...just a joke Seriously though, it can be nice but not a necessity, though maybe they will come around and things will improve in the future. He will find other people in life to create bonds with etc.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/20/2009 6:56:06 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I can''t suggest what you do, I think that''s a very personal decision that you REALLY need to be comfortable with, especially given the circumstances (for your family). I think it''s odd that your DH''s family isn''t more available for your son though. My brother was with a woman who had a daughter and we all took to her immediately. My brother and the girlfriend split, and yes it was hard on our family, but we were glad we were able to give that little girl love. As it turned out, my brother got back with that girlfriend a few years later and eventually married her. They are currently expecting their second child together!

I grew up a thousand miles away from most of my family. I had one uncle and his family that lived within driving distance but we usually only saw them on holidays. One set of grandparents tried to come to see us once a year and we tried to see them every other Christmas. So, really not a lot of extended family as a child. (even though my family is HUGE!) We ''adopted'' people as our aunts, uncles, and even a grandma. ''grandma'' in particular became very close to us and I still see her often (funny, she was originally from where my parents were--we eventually lived within a mile of each other again!) I think every child NEEDS to have lots of loved ones, but they don''t have to be biological family members.

My family moved to be near to my extended family when I was 14. At that time I tried to get to know all of my aunts, uncles, cousins. I love all of my family but I don''t have a particularly close relationship with very many of them. (but that could be because there are just so many).

So, in summation....

, yes ''family'' is important. But ''family'' can be lots of different people who have no blood ties to you.

Thank you for your reply. I definitely agree that family doesn''t have to be blood. I think it might be better to have people around who love us without any of the judgemental stuff.

How lovely that your brother rekindled his relationship with his ex! Now you have that lovely child in your life again!

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/20/2009 7:04:41 PM
Author: Icce
Wish I could be some help but I don't even know what to say to this. Sorry you have to deal with this nonsense. You did the right thing ... your sister should feel ashamed for allowing her daughter to continue to exposed to that while she knew about it. How exactly could you try harder with his family? Doesn't seem like you are being the unreasonable one. Sure extended families are great and can be supportive but if those are your choices than it may bring more negativity than good (sorry if this sounds harsh). Make him a brother or sister and extend the family yourself hehe...just a joke Seriously though, it can be nice but not a necessity, though maybe they will come around and things will improve in the future. He will find other people in life to create bonds with etc.

I think you are correct when you say negativity would come with any sort of reconciliation. My husband's father is a real trouble maker. He is cruel and argumentative and aggressive. Definitely not the sort of person my son needs in his life. We missed my DH's sister's wedding because she wouldn't accept that my son would not be able to cope with being a page boy. James has special needs and can't cope well with crowds, strangers or noise. She kept saying he would be fine but obviously we knew differently. We said we could attend but keep James at the back so we could take him out when he got upset. That wasn't good enough. She wanted him in the bridal party. It ended up with them blaming me for being awkward and my husband made the decision we weren't going.

 

[Kaleigh]

" Family can mean lots of things, doesn''t have to be blood related " I totally agree. We have super close friends that are "family" We love celebrating all that life throws our way. I do have extended family, but they don''t live close by. We see them mostly in the summer. But they are a phone call away, and I adore them. My parents, well it''s hard, I am there for them if need be, but it''s toxic and I am done with toxic... knim??

 

[Icce]

Date: 6/20/2009 7:23:16 PM
Author: Maisie

Date: 6/20/2009 7:04:41 PM

Author: Icce

Wish I could be some help but I don't even know what to say to this. Sorry you have to deal with this nonsense. You did the right thing ... your sister should feel ashamed for allowing her daughter to continue to exposed to that while she knew about it. How exactly could you try harder with his family? Doesn't seem like you are being the unreasonable one. Sure extended families are great and can be supportive but if those are your choices than it may bring more negativity than good (sorry if this sounds harsh). Make him a brother or sister and extend the family yourself hehe...just a joke Seriously though, it can be nice but not a necessity, though maybe they will come around and things will improve in the future. He will find other people in life to create bonds with etc.

I think you are correct when you say negativity would come with any sort of reconciliation. My husband's father is a real trouble maker. He is cruel and argumentative and aggressive. Definitely not the sort of person my son needs in his life. We missed my DH's sister's wedding because she wouldn't accept that my son would not be able to cope with being a page boy. James has special needs and can't cope well with crowds, strangers or noise. She kept saying he would be fine but obviously we knew differently. We said we could attend but keep James at the back so we could take him out when he got upset. That wasn't good enough. She wanted him in the bridal party. It ended up with them blaming me for being awkward and my husband made the decision we weren't going.

The more I hear of the story, the more I am sure that he is better off without them. It will be important for him to find other people to create relationships with but blood isn't a requirement. The situation above was a lose/lose situation for you...even if you gave in...if a situation happened during the ceremony and a scene was caused, they would of blamed you for ruining those moments in the wedding too. He needs people that accept him and support him for himself and not worry about what awkwardness he may cause.

I have a small tic (always have) and it makes it hard for me carry an 8oz glass (if filled) or drink out it without spilling...especially if I get nervous (fancy restaurant, full table of people etc). And I learned long ago....I don’t need someone pushing me into trying to do it as if I haven't tried millions of times before (as it isn't something that is going to be fixed asap), I just need a straw or can etc...it’s not lady like? TOOBAD!

I know it isn’t the same thing, but if her idea was she knew your son better than you do or to throw him into iy and hope for the best to save herself awkwardness...he doesn’t need that kind of thing.

 

[JulieN]

it''s not important. don''t worry about it.

 

[princesss]

I have virtually no relationship with my extended family. I do see my aunt and grandmother on my mom''s side once every few years, and my dad''s mom and brother and sister with about the same frequency. I feel no need for a large, in-your-business extended family. It''s nice, I guess, but not necessary.

What I think kids do need is people that care deeply for them who have good values and can be a good role model. You''ve done that by standing up to your family to protect your niece. I think you''ll find that your kids will end up adopting people to fill the roles they need filled. I had friends'' moms as "aunts," and friends that have become family. My best friend is like another sister, and I will always think of her family as my extended family, and she feels the same way about my family.

I guess it''s really a case of not being able to miss what you''ve never had.

 

[cellososweet]

It''s important if you make it important.

I grew up a Navy brat. My father isn''t close to his family (no bad blood, just not a close family) and my Mum is from New Zealand and I grew up in the States, so we obviously didn''t see a lot of them. There were definitely points as a kid where I''d get crappy because other people got to see their extended families over Christmas/Thanksgiving breaks and I felt really abnormal with just me, Mum and my brother because my Dad was often deployed. But, I had a great childhood and I think it''s more important to be surrounded by good, supportive people whether they are family or not.

If it''s going to be a sh*tty situation, it''s not worth it. Family is like anyone else. People are people first before their titles of Mom, Dad, etc. If they are crappy people, you owe them nothing.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I grew up with a very full family, mostly my mom''s side since my fathers lived in Flordia, but I was always close with my paternal aunt.

For me, those relationships mean the world to me and they have become more important and rich as I''ve gotten older. They are extra people I know I can always, always count on. I can also honestly say I don''t know who I would be if they weren''t in my life since they really helped shape me.

But, if I hadn''t had my extended family in my life, and never really knew difference, I think I would still be fine. I had wonderful parents, as your children obviously do as well. I don''t think that it''s the quantity of people who love you--but rather the quality.

Clearly this is something weighing on you, but I don''t think it''s something anyone can "advise" you on, the decision has to be completely yours because clearly it is going to take much effort on your part to make it happen. I''m sad for you and your family that your DH''s parents are unwilling to give -- they are missing out on some of the most rewarding relationships ever. Whatever you decide, Maisie, I''m sure it will be the right thing to do, you''re a very sound person. I wish you the best.

 

[neatfreak]

I think it''s fabulous if kids have access to their extended family IF it''s a healthy relationship. But if it isn''t I think it''s better to not have relationships with those people rather than force negative relationships you know?

I also agree that "family" doesn''t have to be blood related...so I would encourage strong bonds between your kids and any close relationships your family has whether it is other family members or simply close friends. The most important thing IMO is for children to be exposed to loving and caring relationships-regardless of whether those relationships are with relatives or not.

 

[VRBeauty]

Robert Bly has written about the importance of kids having adults in their lives, other than their parents, that they can turn to for non-judgmental, unconditional love -- especially when they''re upset with their own parents! These people do not have to be extended family, and in this sense I think everybody is right in saying that family is what you define it to be. But I suspect that cousins play a different role. It sounds like you need to distance your family from both extended families because the adults on both sides just don''t have their heads screwed on straight.

I don''t think I even need to say this, because I don''t see you as someone who takes pleasure in burning bridges, but... as you distance yourself from your families of origin, please consider doing so in a way that will leave the door open for your son to re-connect with his cousins when he''s older.

Good luck to you!

 

[luckystar112]

Extended family is very important to me. I want my children to have the same type of childhood that I did: Sleepovers with the cousins, barbeques at the grandparents, etc. I was an only child so I''m glad I got to have those relationships and experiences.
But I do agree they don''t necessarily have to be blood related.

 

[swingirl]

I think extended family is important. Years from now your kids will want to know where their parents came from, even when it turns out those people were jerks. Family gatherings (where there is no drama) is a place for kids to figure out where they belong--it''s why so many people spend hours and hours searching ancestry.com hunting for deceased relatives 5 generations back.

My friend never met her grandmother because gramma wouldn''t accept the marriage for religious reasons. So the kids were kept away. My friend got to see her grandmother when she lay in her casket and regrets her parents'' decision to "protect" the kids by not allowing these related people to ever meet.

So, although you don''t have to expect your kids will develop wonderful relationships with these people, they still can meet them, spend some time around them and make their own assessments on what kind of people these relatives are.

 

[jcrow]

Date: 6/20/2009 9:56:26 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think it''s fabulous if kids have access to their extended family IF it''s a healthy relationship. But if it isn''t I think it''s better to not have relationships with those people rather than force negative relationships you know?

I also agree that ''family'' doesn''t have to be blood related...so I would encourage strong bonds between your kids and any close relationships your family has whether it is other family members or simply close friends. The most important thing IMO is for children to be exposed to loving and caring relationships-regardless of whether those relationships are with relatives or not.

this is how i feel too. yes, in a perfect world, kids would grow up surrounded by a loving and supportive family. sadly, this is not always possible.

 

[jcrow]

Date: 6/21/2009 1:38:08 AM
Author: swingirl
I think extended family is important. Years from now your kids will want to know where their parents came from, even when it turns out those people were jerks. Family gatherings (where there is no drama) is a place for kids to figure out where they belong--it''s why so many people spend hours and hours searching ancestry.com hunting for deceased relatives 5 generations back.

My friend never met her grandmother because gramma wouldn''t accept the marriage for religious reasons. So the kids were kept away. My friend got to see her grandmother when she lay in her casket and regrets her parents'' decision to ''protect'' the kids by not allowing these related people to ever meet.

So, although you don''t have to expect your kids will develop wonderful relationships with these people, they still can meet them, spend some time around them and make their own assessments on what kind of people these relatives are.

this is also an interesting perspective. to build on this... my thoughts are that as a child, especially a young one, i''m not sure they are adapt to know what''s healthy + positive vs. unhealthy and negative and harmful. i think they can be around them these family members, but maybe not necessarily an unsupervised weekend visit... you know?

[and swingirl, i''m not directing my thoughts at you :]

 

[Maisie]

I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond here. Its always useful to see other viewpoints.

When I was a child I didn''t see any cousins as one set lived in Australia and the others were with the Army and moved around a lot. I did click with one of my cousins whenever we met up though. He was just like me and we had great fun!

When I see things on TV where families are all together having fun times I feel a little sad that my children don''t have that. We are also very self sufficiant. We have to be. I don''t have the luxury of calling on family to babysit or help out with anything. We just aren''t that type of family. I would love to be able to support my family too.

I wish I could adopt grand parents for my kids. I know if LindaW lived closer she would fulfill that role for them! From what I know of her both on here and by email, she would be ideal!

In a way I feel that they are missing out, but I also wonder if it will make them more independant as adults. Maybe they will feel more able to look after themselves without relying on others all the time? Of course they deserve to have extended family but if it would come with huge drama I think they are better off without it.

 

[elrohwen]

I was extremely isolated from extended family growing up and it didn't bother me at all. We've had very little contact with my mom's family because they are horrible to her and she goes through long periods of time not speaking to them. My dad's family is nice, but very far away and we don't get along with some of them well enough to make the effort. I love my aunt in Sweden, but she's so far away that I rarely see her. I love my grandma and we used to visit her every summer, but that's about it.

I don't think there were any ill effects on me for not having much extended family. In fact, I'm often relieved when people tell me about their stressful holidays with family because I get to spend holidays relaxing with FI or our parents.

ETA: I don't have any siblings and FI only has a sister, so when we have kids, our kids will also grow up with a very small extended family, but that's just fine with us! We prefer it that way.

ETA2: Totally agree with somethingshiney that it's perfectly fine to "adopt" an extended family. Our neighbors growing up (mom, dad, and two boys) are more like my extended family than anyone I'm actually related to, and it was great growing up next door to them and exchanging gifts with them on holidays.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I can relate in some ways as the child, and now that I am bringing my own child into the world I am thinking about this from the perspective of a soon-to-be parent as well.

I didn''t have a large extended family growing up -- one parent was an only child whose parents had passed away by the time I was 6; the other had one brother, and those grandparents passed away by the time I was 12. My uncle had a sick wife who just passed away two years ago and he never left her side, so our entire contact for over ten years was a card for a wedding or maybe Christmas.

When my uncle''s wife passed away, he came back into our lives. He even rented the other half of our summer home for the whole summer last year. I''ve been out to visit him twice and vice versa. It surprised me how much it meant to me that my uncle really did want a relationship with me. All these years I assumed it was just that we weren''t close or he didn''t think of us. Now I know he (for whatever reason -- I''m not sure this was right) didn''t feel like he could leave his wife alone while he travelled. Your SIL sounds like she falls into this category. I can''t really blame her for wanting her nephew in her wedding and hoping he would be ok through the ceremony. Obviously you knew better, but maybe she thought, "It''s my wedding and I want to take the risk." At the very least her intentions were just to include him, so if you are willing, there might be something to build upon with them.

However, then we have the truly toxic and dysfunctional relatives. Eek. I have some of my own, so I can relate. The question is whether you can (and want to) attempt and hopefully maintain some type of relationship. My MIL has a serious personality disorder and makes very poor decisions which could endanger a child and which are aggravating to us even on her better days. To me that means that she can''t be alone with our child, not that she can''t have a relationship with her. If she begins acting hatefully, I will take the child and leave and explain that Grandma''s behavior is not ok. This way, when our child is an adult and can stand up for herself, she can decide if she wants Grandma in her life or not. I would rather let my child see dysfunction and explain to her what is wrong with it than to try to keep her isolated from it, which I imagine would only result in her resenting us or not being prepared to recognize and deal with it on her own.

But I reserve the right to change my mind if I feel that even me being present is not enough to keep my child safe. I suspect, though, that seeing her granddaughter will be a powerful motivator to my MIL. She sometimes loses control of her emotions, but she is also a skilled manipulator who will think several steps ahead to try to get what she wants. If what she wants is time with granddaughter, then I think in most cases she will control herself if only out of self interest.

I am not going to invite MIL to my baby shower. I discussed it with my therapist, who assured me that it was "just a party" and that the chances of MIL ruining it were too high (she ruined my bridal shower, so I figure, "Ruin my shower once, shame on you. Ruin my shower twice . . .") I''m just going to tell her I had a work shower and out of town shower with friends. Again, it''s tricky because eventually our children will realize that we lie to MIL to keep her at arm''s length, but life is complicated, right? I do believe it''s ok to lie to protect yourself from toxic people, and I hope that when they get older our children can see the difference between this and being a dishonest person (which to me means someone who lies for self-interest, to avoid deserved responsibility, etc.). Yes we lie to Grandma, but it''s because Grandma doesn''t know how to act like an adult like she should. It''s not ok when she starts screaming at us like that. But we still love Grandma and want to see her as much as we can, so sometimes we tell her things that aren''t true so we can make sure we see her when she feels ok and won''t yell at us. Remember, even when you''ve done something wrong, grownups shouldn''t yell like that. . . . I don''t know, will this make sense to a child?

 

[Dreamer_D]

In an ideal world, extended family is great. But if they are not loving and supportive of you, then it doesn''t really matter!

FWIW, my mom had cut ties with her parents to a large degree before I was born. But she really wanted me to have a relationship with them so she made sure I did, with lots of visits to spend time with them. They were wonderful grandparents and none of the drama and crap that they laid on her was laid on me -- they were much better grandparents than parents. So if your parents or gary''s parents *want* to have a relationship with James, then it may not be a bad thing to allow his to vist them and spend time with them when he is old enough to be away from you and Gary. But I''d only allow that if they are really interested and motivated to be grandparents. Otherwise, no need to expose him to their negativity, or worse, their neglect.

 

[Maisie]

Being a parent isn''t easy is it? Sometimes we have to think outside of the box and put the child first. And I guess that sometimes means putting personal feelings aside for the good of the little ones.

The part I find hardest is that my mother can easily walk away from me and my children. She has done it with my older sister too. She has no problems just ignoring us. I find that so hard to understand. I adore being a mother. I know I don''t always agree with my children but I would never cut them out of my life.

I don''t like how Gary''s family ignore my children too. No birthday cards, they never ask how they are. In fact they don''t show any interest in them at all. It makes me so sad. I think I probably expect too much.

Gary''s mother never calls to ask how James is. She has a Facebook profile with lots of photos of her other grandchildren but none of James. We have sent her photos over the years. I don''t think its because she wants to protect his privacy. I genuinely don''t think she sees him as family.

What a mess.

 

[lyra]

Date: 6/20/2009 8:14:14 PM
Author: JulieN
it''s not important. don''t worry about it.

I honestly agree with this. If they are there and are supportive, that''s wonderful for your children to have. But it''s not a necessity. We had to move away from all family and friends for a job when my kids were in grades 2 and 5. They are now 21 and 19 and are very happy secure young women. The family we have is supportive, but they aren''t here at all. My kids grew up being very close to us, their parents, and each other (eventually!). Rest easy.

 

[VRBeauty]

Maisie: It sounds like your mother is a lost cause. But re the MIL, maybe a heart-felt letter from her son might help open her eyes?

I don''t think you''re expecting too much at all... although you might be expecting too much of these particular so-called adults.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/21/2009 2:00:49 PM
Author: lyra

Date: 6/20/2009 8:14:14 PM
Author: JulieN
it''s not important. don''t worry about it.

I honestly agree with this. If they are there and are supportive, that''s wonderful for your children to have. But it''s not a necessity. We had to move away from all family and friends for a job when my kids were in grades 2 and 5. They are now 21 and 19 and are very happy secure young women. The family we have is supportive, but they aren''t here at all. My kids grew up being very close to us, their parents, and each other (eventually!). Rest easy.

Thank you Lyra. My kids argue like mad but I know they are close. They just have a funny way of showing it!

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/21/2009 2:56:17 PM
Author: VRBeauty
Maisie: It sounds like your mother is a lost cause. But re the MIL, maybe a heart-felt letter from her son might help open her eyes?

I don''t think you''re expecting too much at all... although you might be expecting too much of these particular so-called adults.

My mother is a lost cause. I have given up. Maybe a miracle will happen. That would be nice.

As for MIL, Gary wrote her a long email about 8 months ago. It didn''t make a difference. He said to just let it go. I just worry that James especially is missing out. Mind you, he doesn''t even know they exist so how can he miss them?

 

[somethingshiny]

Just a quick note about what I''ve learned from my son who''s 3.5. Children LOOK for the good in people and assume they will be good to them in return. Children have a great instinctual knowledge of who is kind and who is a bad person. Children don''t take it too seriously when they''ve been slighted. Children will protect themselves first when in a bad situation (by finding mom, yelling "no", etc).

This is not to Maise in particular, just my thoughts about the topic. I''m not saying you should allow your child around "bad" people, but your child probably deserves a lot more credit for self-preservation.

 

[D&T]

awwww Maisie, You can''t make people do anything that they''ve already set their minds to. My brother does not speak to my parents for over 10 years and they live in the same city. I live a State away from them but speak to all of my family members, I feel sad that my brother has this grudge against my parents, and I don''t quite know exactly what pushed them away (there were many variables), its all mush now, and likewise with my parents. My mother is terminally ill, and it saddens me that they can''t just "forgive" and move forward, have family gathering, and what not. For me, extended family is very important to me. I love large family gatherings. Our family takes offense too easily, and I tend to be the one to just roll it off, so I don''t care who doesn''t like who or who (i know this is probably incorrect grammar) gets a long with whom ever, I''m just going to make it a task to just invite everyone, regardless and those that choose not to be a part of the festivity is their choice, but at least I tried. So if you tried, you''ve done your part, its the other person that needs to also make the effort.

 

[KimberlyH]

I have a large extended family (36 cousins on one side, 9 on the other) and we are friendly but not extremely close, my DH has two siblings we have no communication with, the rest of his family, that he is aware of, is deceased. I am very close to my parents and sister. When the time comes for us to have kids they will be involved, but if they weren''t good for and to my kid/s I would have no problem removing them from our life. I have some amazing friends that feel as close as family, as does my husband, and we would help facilitate for our children relationships with our child/ren that will be positive and good for them, blood definitely does not equal a good relationship.

 

[Haven]

I agree that it''s most important to have a community of adults and other children with whom you are close, whether or not they are family.

As an adult, I now have a very close circle of "second parents" who all had a hand in raising me, and those relationships are priceless. Most of these people, however, are not related to me by blood. They are the family that my parents created for themselves out of close friends because my mother''s real family is very small, and my father''s family is, well, best appreciated from a distance.