Exorbitant "donations" for officiants...

[asymons412]

Sillyberry, I do not mean to make a mockery of religion at all-- I was more or less avoiding a controversial topic in referencing Christianity as a derivative of Judaism; I am messianic (ie. a Jewish person who believes that Jesus actually was the prophesied Jewish messiah), and so I find that my beliefs are extremely compatible with that of the Christian faith; whereas I celebrate and honor Jewish traditions, I more or less (somewhat begrudgingly due to the writers!) accept the New Testament and the concept of a fulfilled messiah rather than waiting on him.

I should have been more clear, but as you can imagine, the concept of a Jewish person who maintains all of the Jewish practices but replaces every "prophesied Messiah" with "Yeshua" (note: NOT a "Jew for Jesus!" I am Jewish, celebrate the high holidays, had a bat mitzvah, etc) tends to cause more rifts than if I had kept my mouth shut. I hope no offense is taken.

 

[Future Mrs. Sterling]

Back to the original topic - MONEY!

Our Reverend is marrying us for $220. Offsite - at a park. He also is not eating dinner or causing us any other expense. He is great! BTW, he is a Presbyterian and we are having a completely open, non-denominational ceremony. He is totally comfortable with that and we are thrilled he agreed to marry us.

I think $750 is absurd. Find someone else - a justice of the peace, if you have to.

 

[Haven]

Sillyberry, I do not mean to make a mockery of religion at all-- I was more or less avoiding a controversial topic in referencing Christianity as a derivative of Judaism; I am messianic (ie. a Jewish person who believes that Jesus actually was the prophesied Jewish messiah), and so I find that my beliefs are extremely compatible with that of the Christian faith; whereas I celebrate and honor Jewish traditions, I more or less (somewhat begrudgingly due to the writers!) accept the New Testament and the concept of a fulfilled messiah rather than waiting on him.

I should have been more clear, but as you can imagine, the concept of a Jewish person who maintains all of the Jewish practices but replaces every "prophesied Messiah" with "Yeshua" (note: NOT a "Jew for Jesus!" I am Jewish, celebrate the high holidays, had a bat mitzvah, etc) tends to cause more rifts than if I had kept my mouth shut. I hope no offense is taken.

NOW it makes sense that you said you "tithe" to your congregation today, and give quarters happily when you attend. These are not things that occur in the traditional Jewish congregations (Reform, Conservative, Traditional, Orthodox, Reconstructionist, etc.) so I was so confused when I read your earlier post about tithing! I thought "Jews don't call it tithing! What is going on here?!"

Anyway, I hope you can sort this all out and find a way to create a home filled with the beliefs and practices that are sacred to both you and your fiance. I imagine you will do that just fine! I hope you find the right clergyman to officiate your wedding. My father is in the clergy, and I know it's a real honor to officiate, regardless of the fee they charge.

ETA: I don't mean to sound like I don't consider Messianic Jews to be Jewish. I hope it doesn't come across that way. We learned about most different Jewish movements growing up, but never the Messianic movement, so it's very foreign to me, that's all.

 

[yennyfire]

On the topic of the post, I don't think it's an unreasonable fee. 10 years ago, we paid $600 for a Rabbi to come to our wedding at a B&B (we weren't members of his synagogue).

On the topic of FI being difficult when it comes to discussing religion in general, I would be extremely concerned. Once there is an actual baby in the mix, FI may feel even more tied to his religion, especially if his parents have influence over him. Waiting until you have kids (IMO) to sort this out is a HUGE mistake. I speak from experience. I married my college sweetheart who was Episcopal. We both attended each other's house of worship when we were with our respective families. My parents were quietly vocal (I know that's an oxymoron) about the fact that they didn't like the fact that he wasn't Jewish, but I was young and didn't want to hear what they had to say. His parents, on the other hand, gushed about how "Jesus was a Jew, the Jews are the chosen people", etc. However, once we got married (and we dated for 7 years), the tune changed and they started saying that our kids had to be raised Christian or would go to Hell (i.e. not be saved) etc. My first husband refused to stand up to them, which spoke volumes about what things would be like when we had kids. We divorced over this issue (among others).

Please, do yourself a favor and discuss this before you get married. Trust me, a broken engagement is much easier than a divorce. I am not suggesting that you can't work this out, merely that it should be worked out (to a decision you can both embrace) before you get married and not when you have a baby in your arms.

 

[asymons412]

No worries, Haven! I like to describe it to most people as, well, in the way that some Jews this day accept Rabbi Schneerson as the messiah and go on with their Jewish practices-- it works the same way. Although being raised in a period where messianic Judaism was more or less figuring itself out, I was exposed to a lot of Christian concepts (and people) before my family reclaimed our Jewish heritage and figured out how to balance the two. No offense taken at all!

Good news! FH and I sat down last night and finally had a serious, positive conversation about religion. He was a little tentative at first, but we made a lot of progress! I was honest about what I thought his perspective of religion was (more or less indifferent, but only adherent to Catholicism as something he was raised on) and he very much agreed. He agreed that it would make sense to raise our children in my faith, but that he would also first try to understand and relate to the things I believe as well (ie. we were thinking of sitting down every weekend to read the Torah portion together or even discuss different aspects of religion). He also told me that he is very aware of the fact that religion is something he's avoided confronting all of his life, but that he thinks it's time to establish the principles that we are going to live our new life by.

As for the priest, FH said very plainly that a priest is something he wants to honor his family, but that he is going to have a conversation with his parents about the fact that after we're married, we will begin to make our own decisions; he was very firm in agreeing we're not going to make decisions to please them. I was so, so so relieve to hear him say those things-- a fear of him fighting for his family's opinion over ours has been a fear in the back of my mind, and I feel so much better after having had that conversation in a calm, positive way.

Well, the search for the priest goes on, but I'm really glad that you guys helped me find the root of the problem and for once, FH and I sat down and talked about religion-- without being cranky afterwards. I'll keep you updated.

 

[asymons412]

My parents were quietly vocal (I know that's an oxymoron) about the fact that they didn't like the fact that he wasn't Jewish, but I was young and didn't want to hear what they had to say. His parents, on the other hand, gushed about how "Jesus was a Jew, the Jews are the chosen people", etc. However, once we got married (and we dated for 7 years), the tune changed and they started saying that our kids had to be raised Christian or would go to Hell (i.e. not be saved) etc. My first husband refused to stand up to them, which spoke volumes about what things would be like when we had kids. We divorced over this issue (among others).

That is horrible! Religious extremism always makes me a little nervous... how can you insist that a child is going to go to hell?

It is very surprising that after 7 years, someone could change so quickly-- I did take your advice, and we did talk (as I mentioned in the post before this one), and I do feel positive that we will work this through. I am so sorry your marriage had to end that way.

 

[KaeKae]

So good to see you are working your way through this issue.
I just had a thought as I read the most recent posts and saw that you are still looking for a priest. Have you asked your rabbi if he knows of/has worked with a priest in the past that you might call? The friends I spoke about before found they didn't like the groom's family's priest, but the rabbi they were working with (who was not the bride's family's rabbi) was able to make a recommendation, who was great.
Just a thought, though you may have aready tried it.
Wishing you all the best. I've been in two different weddings that had a rabbi and a priest/minister. Both were lovely ceremonies, very respectful to both faiths.

 

[asymons412]

So good to see you are working your way through this issue.
I just had a thought as I read the most recent posts and saw that you are still looking for a priest. Have you asked your rabbi if he knows of/has worked with a priest in the past that you might call? The friends I spoke about before found they didn't like the groom's family's priest, but the rabbi they were working with (who was not the bride's family's rabbi) was able to make a recommendation, who was great.
Just a thought, though you may have aready tried it.
Wishing you all the best. I've been in two different weddings that had a rabbi and a priest/minister. Both were lovely ceremonies, very respectful to both faiths.

That is a really great idea! Thank you for the advice-- I'm going to shoot my rabbi an email and see if he doesn't know of anyone.

 

[yssie]

No worries, Haven! I like to describe it to most people as, well, in the way that some Jews this day accept Rabbi Schneerson as the messiah and go on with their Jewish practices-- it works the same way. Although being raised in a period where messianic Judaism was more or less figuring itself out, I was exposed to a lot of Christian concepts (and people) before my family reclaimed our Jewish heritage and figured out how to balance the two. No offense taken at all!

Good news! FH and I sat down last night and finally had a serious, positive conversation about religion. He was a little tentative at first, but we made a lot of progress! I was honest about what I thought his perspective of religion was (more or less indifferent, but only adherent to Catholicism as something he was raised on) and he very much agreed. He agreed that it would make sense to raise our children in my faith, but that he would also first try to understand and relate to the things I believe as well (ie. we were thinking of sitting down every weekend to read the Torah portion together or even discuss different aspects of religion). He also told me that he is very aware of the fact that religion is something he's avoided confronting all of his life, but that he thinks it's time to establish the principles that we are going to live our new life by.

As for the priest, FH said very plainly that a priest is something he wants to honor his family, but that he is going to have a conversation with his parents about the fact that after we're married, we will begin to make our own decisions; he was very firm in agreeing we're not going to make decisions to please them. I was so, so so relieve to hear him say those things-- a fear of him fighting for his family's opinion over ours has been a fear in the back of my mind, and I feel so much better after having had that conversation in a calm, positive way.

Well, the search for the priest goes on, but I'm really glad that you guys helped me find the root of the problem and for once, FH and I sat down and talked about religion-- without being cranky afterwards. I'll keep you updated.

Awesome!! Talking can only help - sounds like it was a very productive and reassuring conversation.

I remember when then-FI and I first had the serious What Are We Going To Do When We Have Kids talk - he's Jewish, I'm Hindu. It was terrifying - I was so scared we wouldn't be able to find some happy compromise wrt how to raise them, how to teach them about both cultures - that's something that's really important to me despite the fact that neither of us is particularly observant. DH's brother and Christian SIL decided to raise their kids Jewish, and a huge part of me was really worried DH would expect the same of us - and I just couldn't do that.

Good luck finding a suitable priest! Our priest and rabbi were wonderful - both were very supportive of our mixed culture marriage and our choices for our future children, whatever we decided was best. I hope you find a priest with whom you feel just as comfortable