Examples of passive aggressiveness

[kenny]

This term gets used a lot.
I think I know what it means and recognize it when I see it.

Sometimes someone will call someone's behavior PA but I suspect it is actually something else.
Sure, I could Google it but I'd like to hear your accounts of, and discuss, PA behavior in your family and friends.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I felt like I dealt with a lot of passive aggressiveness in residency. I could come up with several examples, here is the one that comes up the most.

Someone does not agree with you when you are on call. They don't object, but they call you every 5 minutes about something that could wait just to keep you from sleeping. Than after the 3rd or 4th time, "nicely" bring up the issue again.

A resident responding to that by writing a bunch of labor intensive orders (I never did that, but one doctor told me that is how he dealt with it during residency).

I guess I consider passive aggressive as someone who is nice when they confront you, but when you back is turned, they find a way to undercut you, or make your life more difficult.

 

[Porridge]

To me, it means an indirect way of dealing with something. It''s dropping nasty, indirect hints, getting pissy over other little things, complaining to others but being nice to your face, saying things that have double meanings - that appear nice but are intended to be rude, but just holding back enough so they can squirm out of it if they get called out...gah, drives me bonkers. Appearing sweet but being nasty. Or it''s insults disguised as compliments. That one really irks me.

Can''t think of an example right now!

 

[HollyS]

I'm often passive agressive - - when it is warranted.

If someone, who doesn't NEED to be making demands of me, or SHOULDN'T be making demands of me, or is DEFINITELY not entitled to make demands of me, should ever TRY to make demands of me . . . well, then, they get the passive agressive behavior. I'll avoid them, I won't take their calls, I'll be unavailable to them. Or, more often than not, I'll do EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what they want. Just to rattle their cage.

99% of the time, they have no idea how to deal with it. And I win.

People will walk all over you, use you to their advantage, delegate their responsibilities to you, saddle you with some doofus job problem, volunteer you for something you didn't sign up for, and make you responsible to them - - if you let them. I don't let them.

Here's an example of how I'm PA about job ridiculousness:

I'm management. I work 55+ hours a week, salary without overtime. That should be sufficient to satisfy those above my head. But there is one self appointed sheriff of the time clock, who's bound and determined that I will NEVER be a minute late to work. Well, she'll never know, because I adjust my time rather than clock in. By the letter of the labor law, there is a schedule of my work hours on file. But, The Sheriff doesn't know what time I arrived.

Yes, I'm passive agressive and darn proud of it.


Take note, however. I would only use this tactic in response to someone trying to 'ride herd' on me. I would never use it as a way of getting back at someone for a perceived slight. That's not passive agressive behavior; that's escalating a problem into an agenda. I don't do agendas. I can't work myself up into that kind of froth.

 

[katamari]

For some hilarious examples, I recommend the passive agressive notes website.

One of our neighbors once put a sign on all the light posts in our block reading "Found: Canine Treasures! Seeking Rightful Owner for Return" which went on to detail (sarcastically) how they found dog poop in their lawn, despite being dogless, and were hoping to get the poop back to the rightful owners. Come to think of it, I should have submitted it to PAN.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/24/2010 8:11:40 PM
Author: katamari
For some hilarious examples, I recommend the passive agressive notes website.

One of our neighbors once put a sign on all the light posts in our block reading ''Found: Canine Treasures! Seeking Rightful Owner for Return'' which went on to detail (sarcastically) how they found dog poop in their lawn, despite being dogless, and were hoping to get the poop back to the rightful owners. Come to think of it, I should have submitted it to PAN.

Now, see - - how could that be anythinig but funny? I love sarcasm done well. It''s so refreshing.

 

[katamari]

Date: 5/24/2010 8:14:45 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 5/24/2010 8:11:40 PM

Author: katamari

For some hilarious examples, I recommend the passive agressive notes website.


One of our neighbors once put a sign on all the light posts in our block reading 'Found: Canine Treasures! Seeking Rightful Owner for Return' which went on to detail (sarcastically) how they found dog poop in their lawn, despite being dogless, and were hoping to get the poop back to the rightful owners. Come to think of it, I should have submitted it to PAN.

Now, see - - how could that be anythinig but funny? I love sarcasm done well. It's so refreshing.

I totally agree!

 

[Munchkin]

I grew up in a home where that was how my parents argued. It took decades for me to realize that a more effective way to communicate is simply being direct!

As an example: Say my Mum asked my Dad to call and invite Mike and Mary to dinner Friday. Wednesday rolls around and Mum sees Mary at the store and learns my Dad never called. Rather than say to my Dad "I saw Mary and she told me you never called, so I invited them to dinner. I''m annoyed that you didn''t follow through on what I asked;" my Mum would say something like "I haven''t heard back from Mary about Friday. That''s so unlike her. How long ago did you call them?"

In the second scenario, Mum forces Dad to admit he didn''t follow through and is able to play the "you let me down/victim card."

 

[kenny]

Date: 5/24/2010 8:26:26 PM
Author: Munchkin
It took decades for me to realize that a more effective way to communicate is simply being direct!

Yes, I resonate with this.

Looking the person straight in the eye and directly saying what you think, feel and want, is better than being clever and coy and milking the situation for as long as possible to score all the points you can out of it.

It is harder though because you become responsible for what you say/do instead of trying to turn it around and shift blame to the other person.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 5/24/2010 8:26:26 PM
Author: Munchkin
I grew up in a home where that was how my parents argued. It took decades for me to realize that a more effective way to communicate is simply being direct!


As an example: Say my Mum asked my Dad to call and invite Mike and Mary to dinner Friday. Wednesday rolls around and Mum sees Mary at the store and learns my Dad never called. Rather than say to my Dad ''I saw Mary and she told me you never called, so I invited them to dinner. I''m annoyed that you didn''t follow through on what I asked;'' my Mum would say something like ''I haven''t heard back from Mary about Friday. That''s so unlike her. How long ago did you call them?''


In the second scenario, Mum forces Dad to admit he didn''t follow through and is able to play the ''you let me down/victim card.''

Very good example, however your example is very different from that of Holly''s above. I am still unclear as to what is the better representation of "passive aggressiveness". To me Holly''s example is almost more direct and more emotional, no?

 

[MissMina]

My ex husband

He could move mountains by simply failing to act

 

[kenny]

In the pet peeve thread Divadiamond007 wrote, " When my husband overloads the washer. Happens at least once a week. "
This could be his PA way to get HER to do all the laundry.
If, and I do mean IF, this was his intention wouldn't this be a good example of PA behavior?

I knew a tech at work who we are sure did a poor job, so he ended up being given easier work to do.
IF knew fill well how to do the difficult stuff well but was did poorly on purpose because he knew he'd be given easier work I think this is PA.

 

[Haven]

Dear Kenny,

I''m only saying this because I''m honestly worried about you, but are you feeling okay lately? It seems like you''re spending a lot of time here on PS and I wonder if maybe that''s a sign that things are going wrong in your personal life. There are so many resources that could help you, I could give you some 800 numbers to call if you want. Just let me know.

Honestly, I''m truly concerned,

Haven

 

[kenny]

Personal life?
We''re supposed to have a personal life?

 

[Indylady]

Bahahah thanks for the link Katamari! I''ve seen my fair share of these through college; I once had a roommate that would leave paragraph long stickies, sometimes two paragraphs and two stickies long. Or she''d spell her message out, with one letter per sticky, spanning about 20 stickies. No joke. My friends would always have a fun time Scrabb-al-ing around with her notes when she did that.

 

[Haven]

I should add that I have no real examples to share from my life because everyone I know is absolutely fabulous. I would *never* stoop so low as to become involved with passive aggressive fools.

(Sorry, I can't stop myself. I'm finding this very entertaining at the moment.)

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

passive - inert or inactive

aggression - an offensive action or attack

passive aggressive - Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency.

Examples:
1. leaving the toilet seat up on purpose because you''re ticked at your wife for leaving the lights on... going further into PA territory, swearing that you didn''t do it on purpose if she confronts you about your motives.

2. failing to turn down the sheets on your wife''s side of the bed when you go to bed before her because it irritates you that she stays up later.

3. doing your chores at half effort or accidentally "forgetting" because you''re angry that your parents don''t give you as much of an allowance as your best friend''s parents give him.

4. giving your husband the silent treatment or not laughing at his jokes because you''re upset that he''s not ready to talk about when to have a baby.

5. purposely leaving someone off an evite when your circle of friends is having a get together but claiming it was on accident if anyone notices and brings it up.

basically, any sort of indirect action or inaction on your part, either conscious or unconscious, that is aimed at retaliation or even initial aggression toward someone else.

 

[Cehrabehra]

okay let me run this past you guys...

I am in the kitchen making a cake and I call out to the living room where dh is talking to his visiting father casually, "The boys need to come inside now, it''s after 7" and he says, "okay, but you could have just said, ''Can you go get the boys?'' instead of being passive aggressive about it."

Is it just me or does he not understand passive aggressive. He always gets a little bit more puffy in the chest when his folks are around and I can live with it but I just want to know if I''m nuts here or not lol

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 5/24/2010 10:06:40 PM
Author: kenny
In the pet peeve thread Divadiamond007 wrote, '' When my husband overloads the washer. Happens at least once a week. ''
This could be his PA way to get HER to do all the laundry.
If, and I do mean IF, this was his intention wouldn''t this be a good example of PA behavior?

I knew a tech at work who we are sure did a poor job, so he ended up being given easier work to do.
IF knew fill well how to do the difficult stuff well but was did poorly on purpose because he knew he''d be given easier work I think this is PA.

Maybe it is his way of making me do all the laundry! I always just figured he really didn''t know how to do it the right way because his mama always did the laundry growing up.

I think your example is not really someone being PA, but lazy for sure.

My MIL can be PA. She''s a gossip too, which doesn''t help. She''ll be nicey nicey to your face and then turn around and talk bad about you behind your back. Does it with my SIL all the time.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/25/2010 7:26:16 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
okay let me run this past you guys...

I am in the kitchen making a cake and I call out to the living room where dh is talking to his visiting father casually, ''The boys need to come inside now, it''s after 7'' and he says, ''okay, but you could have just said, ''Can you go get the boys?'' instead of being passive aggressive about it.''

Is it just me or does he not understand passive aggressive. He always gets a little bit more puffy in the chest when his folks are around and I can live with it but I just want to know if I''m nuts here or not lol

Ok, I don''t think that was PA at all, but I can sort of see how it could be interpreted as such by someone who was prepared to put the effort in....

If you wanted to be all prickly and puffy about it, you could interpret it as "the boys should have been inside already, can''t you see how late it is, and don''t you know enough about your own kids to know when they need to come in? Or are you just lazy, or leaving it to me to do all the parenting stuff around here?! Do I have to tell you everything?"

I''m exaggerating, but hopefully making some sense...

Jen

 

[Circe]

I hate passive aggressiveness with the white hot passion of a thousand fiery suns. I think it''s the most cowardly possible path of action: it lets people be snippy, lazy, and underhanded, while maintaining a superior position, because at least they didn''t commit the cardinal sin of speaking their mind.

Poppycock! That said, it can be clever poppycock if you''re, a) patient, and b) aware that you''re dealing with someone whom it irks.

Example: a girl I used to know was very jealous could not let a social occasion pass without commenting on my outfits, demeanor, choices, etc. Little faux-complimentary bits of snippery - and for years, I''d just sort of drop my jaw to my chest, unable to believe that she''d *said that,* but also unable to come back with much, since I just don''t operate that way (and was aware that telling the harpy to put a sock in it would result in a scene). I finally figured out how to deal with it, more or less by accident: one of her passive-aggressive bits of commentary happened to be anti-semitic, and that one I *couldn''t* let pass. So I just asked her what she meant, really calmly.

Turns out passive aggressiveness falls apart under polite incomprehension! If you have to explain any of it, it disintegrates. V. satisfying.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 5/25/2010 7:47:59 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 5/25/2010 7:26:16 AM

Author: Cehrabehra

okay let me run this past you guys...


I am in the kitchen making a cake and I call out to the living room where dh is talking to his visiting father casually, ''The boys need to come inside now, it''s after 7'' and he says, ''okay, but you could have just said, ''Can you go get the boys?'' instead of being passive aggressive about it.''


Is it just me or does he not understand passive aggressive. He always gets a little bit more puffy in the chest when his folks are around and I can live with it but I just want to know if I''m nuts here or not lol

Ok, I don''t think that was PA at all, but I can sort of see how it could be interpreted as such by someone who was prepared to put the effort in....

If you wanted to be all prickly and puffy about it, you could interpret it as ''the boys should have been inside already, can''t you see how late it is, and don''t you know enough about your own kids to know when they need to come in? Or are you just lazy, or leaving it to me to do all the parenting stuff around here?! Do I have to tell you everything?''


I''m exaggerating, but hopefully making some sense...


Jen

I think it''s a stretch but MAYBE he could call me nagging - but passive aggressive? If ANYTHING I was just trying to remind him of the time without *telling* him what to do.

He changes when he''s around them and is in complete denial of it lol It used to piss me off when we were newlyweds but now it makes me laugh to myself

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 5/25/2010 7:26:16 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
okay let me run this past you guys...


I am in the kitchen making a cake and I call out to the living room where dh is talking to his visiting father casually, ''The boys need to come inside now, it''s after 7'' and he says, ''okay, but you could have just said, ''Can you go get the boys?'' instead of being passive aggressive about it.''


Is it just me or does he not understand passive aggressive. He always gets a little bit more puffy in the chest when his folks are around and I can live with it but I just want to know if I''m nuts here or not lol

I don''t think it''s passive aggressive on your part, but I can see how it would be annoying to him. I''m sure my husband would much prefer that I say, "Will you take out the trash?" instead of "The trash is full and needs taking out," because I am being direct rather than implying action on his part. I have actually snipped back at someone in a similar situation. A tech at work said something like, "I need the YSI calibrated before I leave." I replied back, "Are you asking me to calibrate it?" I also get annoyed when my students say, "I need a pencil." Okay... thanks for informing me. I insist they actually ask to borrow the pencil.

Your husband didn''t have to get snippy though. People say things different ways, and he should have given you the benefit of the doubt as to your intentions and then politely asked you to rephrase your requests in the future,

 

[decodelighted]

In the "boys out" example ... you don't need to TELL him what do do/say ... you can ASK for what you want. "Honey, I'm baking a cake ... would you call the boys inside since its 7pm?"

There is a bit of an implication that he *should* have known to do it himself when you make an oblique statement forcing him to read between the lines. He might be more sensitive to that in front of others as if he could FAIL to read correctly and then end up in a confrontation. Or feel less *tuned in* than his guest. Read between the lines competitions can result in one person *losing*, yanno?

Now where it gets tricky & why you probably RESIST "asking" for what you want is then it appears that you are asking for a *favor* and that both parties are not equally responsible for parenting/housework etc. But that's a perception really. It doesn't mean its law. I thank my husband for things he does that are both of our responsibility, if I'm the one doing the asking. Its the accelerated timetable I'm thanking him for

. Ya, that's it!

ETA: to explore it a bit more

The boys need to come inside now, it's after 7' and he says, 'okay, but you could have just said, 'Can you go get the boys?' instead of being passive aggressive about it.'

Veiled Implications in your statement:
* he is late in calling the boys
* you are more aware of time than he is
* you are more strict with the boys than he is
* he has failed in his duty to call the boys in at the correct time
* what you are doing is more important than what he is doing

Direct Criticism in his response:
* you are passive aggressive
* why can't you ask for what you want

Veiled Criticism in his response:
* why did you narc on me in front of my dad
* can't you just say "can you get the boys" instead of tattling on me being late getting them

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/25/2010 9:35:14 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure

Date: 5/25/2010 7:26:16 AM

Author: Cehrabehra

okay let me run this past you guys...



I am in the kitchen making a cake and I call out to the living room where dh is talking to his visiting father casually, 'The boys need to come inside now, it's after 7' and he says, 'okay, but you could have just said, 'Can you go get the boys?' instead of being passive aggressive about it.'



Is it just me or does he not understand passive aggressive. He always gets a little bit more puffy in the chest when his folks are around and I can live with it but I just want to know if I'm nuts here or not lol

I don't think it's passive aggressive on your part, but I can see how it would be annoying to him. I'm sure my husband would much prefer that I say, 'Will you take out the trash?' instead of 'The trash is full and needs taking out,' because I am being direct rather than implying action on his part. I have actually snipped back at someone in a similar situation. A tech at work said something like, 'I need the YSI calibrated before I leave.' I replied back, 'Are you asking me to calibrate it?' I also get annoyed when my students say, 'I need a pencil.' Okay... thanks for informing me. I insist they actually ask to borrow the pencil.


Your husband didn't have to get snippy though. People say things different ways, and he should have given you the benefit of the doubt as to your intentions and then politely asked you to rephrase your requests in the future,

Yes, I agree. I do not think this was passive-aggressive (a lot of people do misuse the term) but I do understand his desire to hear a specific request.

There is a big difference making an actual request for a certain result because you desire a certain result, compared to expressing a desire or observation with an unexpressed expectation that one will act and get the certain result. I think that a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts arise in couples as a result of these little differences in communication and wording and they can become a battle over words (who said what, did what, meant what, etc).

For example, there is a big difference between me saying something like "I sure want a coffee, I am sleepy" and expecting DH to know that means I want him to stop (while he is driving) at Tim Horton's so I can get one and saying "DH, I am feeling tired and would like a coffee. Can we stop by the Tim Horton's right there so I can get one?". To me, saying I want a coffee in the first statement means the same as the latter statement in my own head, but that is not how DH hears it. He does not hear it as a request. So he does not stop. And I don't get my coffee. But, DH is not malicious by not acting on the latter! He is not a mind reader. Nor was I being passive-aggressive or malicious in not properly communicating it in the first sentence. I just did not convey what action I desired to happen to meet my desire.

We just have slightly different ways of communicating our intentions and saying the things we say, and so I have learned to make the specific request, and he has learned to sometimes be a little patient and follow up with my expressed desires to find out if it is a request (without calling me passive aggressive!).

 

[Puppmom]

Date: 5/25/2010 7:48:27 AM
Author: Circe
I hate passive aggressiveness with the white hot passion of a thousand fiery suns. I think it''s the most cowardly possible path of action: it lets people be snippy, lazy, and underhanded, while maintaining a superior position, because at least they didn''t commit the cardinal sin of speaking their mind.

Poppycock! That said, it can be clever poppycock if you''re, a) patient, and b) aware that you''re dealing with someone whom it irks.

Example: a girl I used to know was very jealous could not let a social occasion pass without commenting on my outfits, demeanor, choices, etc. Little faux-complimentary bits of snippery - and for years, I''d just sort of drop my jaw to my chest, unable to believe that she''d *said that,* but also unable to come back with much, since I just don''t operate that way (and was aware that telling the harpy to put a sock in it would result in a scene). I finally figured out how to deal with it, more or less by accident: one of her passive-aggressive bits of commentary happened to be anti-semitic, and that one I *couldn''t* let pass. So I just asked her what she meant, really calmly.

Turns out passive aggressiveness falls apart under polite incomprehension! If you have to explain any of it, it disintegrates. V. satisfying.

Your former associate sounds agressive-agressive to me!

 

[choro72]

Date: 5/25/2010 12:13:18 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
passive - inert or inactive


aggression - an offensive action or attack


passive aggressive - Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency.


Examples:

1. leaving the toilet seat up on purpose because you''re ticked at your wife for leaving the lights on... going further into PA territory, swearing that you didn''t do it on purpose if she confronts you about your motives.


2. failing to turn down the sheets on your wife''s side of the bed when you go to bed before her because it irritates you that she stays up later.


3. doing your chores at half effort or accidentally ''forgetting'' because you''re angry that your parents don''t give you as much of an allowance as your best friend''s parents give him.


4. giving your husband the silent treatment or not laughing at his jokes because you''re upset that he''s not ready to talk about when to have a baby.


5. purposely leaving someone off an evite when your circle of friends is having a get together but claiming it was on accident if anyone notices and brings it up.


basically, any sort of indirect action or inaction on your part, either conscious or unconscious, that is aimed at retaliation or even initial aggression toward someone else.

I thought that Guilty Pleasure''s list is the perfect example of passive-aggressiveness. Isn''t it a bit different from Holly''s example, or the "move mountains by not doing anything" example? I thought those are simply common manipulative (and necessary) behaviors in offices.

 

[lyra]

All I know is I react to passive aggression with true aggression. Why beat around the bush? This is something I''ve learned over the years. When I was younger, I would just sit and wonder why people acted PA. Now I take action if it is directed towards me. I will call a person out, and that scares some people. I find it humorous.

 

[swimmer]

GP nailed it.

My MIL personifies this. "You don''t HAVE to invite any of OUR friends to the event" she says after noting that only 22 of her friends are on the invite list for a function that can hold 30 people max. For a bridal shower of mine that she was attending she photocopied the invitation and sent it to 11 extra people, and changed one wedding invitation from being for a couple to including their five grown children and their teenage children plus dates. None of these people DH and I had ever met and she knew we had incredible space limitations. I called to ask about the unusual replies I was getting from that family (13 yes instead of 2), she said, "if you don''t want me to come, if I take up too much space, you can just tell me to skip my son''s wedding."

Yes, the best way is to politely ask what is meant by a PA statement. This is hard for me as I am not passive at all, but can be pretty darn aggressive!

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/25/2010 12:00:15 AM
Author: Haven
I should add that I have no real examples to share from my life because everyone I know is absolutely fabulous. I would *never* stoop so low as to become involved with passive aggressive fools.

(Sorry, I can''t stop myself. I''m finding this very entertaining at the moment.)

And I thought you liked me . . . . .