Ex GF Returns....

[LitigatorChick]

My BF had a 2 year relationship with a woman, A, before we met. They have been apart for over a year. He left her.

She emailed him about 2 months ago, asking to talk and get together. He brushed her off, although I didn''t see the email.

Nothing until this past weekend. She emailed, texted, phoned twice at 2:30 a.m.. She has said she can''t get over him and she wants him back.

I told my BF he needs to tell her about us and I want to be copied on the email. He has agreed.

I know he loves me and doesn''t want anything to do with A. But let''s be clear. A is 7 years younger than me and drop dead gorgeous. She is serious competition on those fronts. Which I know is silly, and my BF tells me it is silly.

Am I being silly? Why am I so bothered by A professing her love for my BF when I know he is mine????

 

[Lauren8211]

It depends. From the tone of your post, it seems like you almost don''t trust your BF? You need to be copied on the email? You don''t trust him to take care of this without confirmation?

Sounds like there is a trust issue going on here somewhere.

It''s not silly to get a bit jealous, if that''s what you''re asking. I''m more concerned that you need the email CC''ed.

There will always be younger more beautiful women. He clearly loves YOU, because you are the most beautiful in his eyes. I know sometimes it can''t be helped, and you may feel jealous, but hey... they broke up for a reason.

On a side note, EX GF needs to get her life together and not text ex bfs at 2 AM.

 

[elation]

I'm sorry to hear that this is distressing you! But I do think it's normal when either an ex steps into the scene, or a drop dead gorgeous girl - not to mention COMBINE them..- to feel that insecurity creep in. Just remember that your they broke up for a reason, your BF chose YOU for a reason and that you need to trust him! Trust that he will deal with this properly, though I know it's hard, but otherwise it may serve to have an opposite effect.
Best of luck with this situation!! You can always come here to rant out your frustrations instead of on him.
And trust him!


ETA: LOL. What elle said.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/14/2009 9:41:06 AM
Author: elledizzy5

It depends. From the tone of your post, it seems like you almost don''t trust your BF? You need to be copied on the email? You don''t trust him to take care of this without confirmation?

Sounds like there is a trust issue going on here somewhere.

It''s not silly to get a bit jealous, if that''s what you''re asking. I''m more concerned that you need the email CC''ed.

There will always be younger more beautiful women. He clearly loves YOU, because you are the most beautiful in his eyes. I know sometimes it can''t be helped, and you may feel jealous, but hey... they broke up for a reason.

On a side note, EX GF needs to get her life together and not text ex bfs at 2 AM.

Ditto. I think it sort of sounds like you don''t trust him. It''s understandable that you''re a little worried about it given that she''s much younger and you think she''s really pretty, but if you trust your BF then you should know he will handle it.

Hopefully he will take care of this soon so she will leave him alone.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Oh ladies, I trust my BF entirely. We regularly bcc each other on emails - we share everything with each other. I want to see what he says so I can understand what is going on in her head. Obviously something in his last email left open for her the possibility of them getting back together. I know BF did not intend that, so he must have said something to leave it open to a girl like her.

 

[CurlySue]

Date: 7/14/2009 9:52:09 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
Oh ladies, I trust my BF entirely. We regularly bcc each other on emails - we share everything with each other. I want to see what he says so I can understand what is going on in her head. Obviously something in his last email left open for her the possibility of them getting back together. I know BF did not intend that, so he must have said something to leave it open to a girl like her.

First of all, I think it''s a natural reaction to get jealous over something like that, but I don''t think you have any reason to worry. Your FF has a proposal planned out, right??

But I am curious... why do you feel the need to understand what is going on in her head? My opinion - the more you try to get into her head, the more difficult it will be to get her out of your head.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Hey CurlySue, I just want to help BF get the message across. If he says something that a girl would read into if she has feelings for the guy, then I can offer the girl perspective and tell him what is going on.

 

[CurlySue]

Date: 7/14/2009 10:03:14 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
Hey CurlySue, I just want to help BF get the message across. If he says something that a girl would read into if she has feelings for the guy, then I can offer the girl perspective and tell him what is going on.

OK. Makes sense.

 

[LitigatorChick]

I think it is all more about my feelings. My BF is an extremely attractive man - made his living off his looks. He has constantly dated gorgeous young women who fall madly in love with him.

I am a decent looking girl, but not as young as these girls. I also have a 3 year old son. So I get all panicked about why this drop dead gorgeous hunk of man is with me

The reasonable version of LC knows that it is my heart and my mind that he loves like no other woman before. That it is our chemistry and connection that it so deep and strong.

But the unreasonable girly part of me is entirely freaked out about a 25 year old coveting my man!!!

 

[NakedFinger]

Date: 7/14/2009 10:06:10 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
I think it is all more about my feelings. My BF is an extremely attractive man - made his living off his looks. He has constantly dated gorgeous young women who fall madly in love with him.

I am a decent looking girl, but not as young as these girls. I also have a 3 year old son. So I get all panicked about why this drop dead gorgeous hunk of man is with me

The reasonable version of LC knows that it is my heart and my mind that he loves like no other woman before. That it is our chemistry and connection that it so deep and strong.

But the unreasonable girly part of me is entirely freaked out about a 25 year old coveting my man!!!

LC- This man it planning on marrying you, obviously you are what he wants not this person he broke up with a year ago.

Also, you need to understand that he loves you and is with you for a reason. You are going to be married to this man for the rest of your life. You''re going to wear yourself out if you keep stressing about him "being to hot for you" for the next 60 years!

 

[Bia]

I think you''re looking at things backwards. You''re a smart, accomplished woman with an adorable son who loves you. This girl should not be getting in your head like that--especially since it is so out of nowhere.

Let your man handle it. If you can''t let him handle it on his own, consider why...maybe you do have trust issues, or insecurities? I say that because you mentioned him being drop-dead gorgeous with attractive women fawning over him. That shouldn''t make you feel bad about yourself...if anything it should make you feel better about yourself, because he is with you after all.

I say all of that to say, don''t let this get to you. Yes, jealousy is normal, but not at the price of questioning your worth. If BF can''t take care of this on his own, then wonder why. But until then...

 

[CristinaRuns26.2]

It''s normal for you to feel a bit bothered by an ex-girlfriend trying to re-enter your boyfriend''s life. But I wouldn''t worry about it. You and your BF have chosen to be together, and that''s that.

IMO, it''s his responsibility to let his ex-girlfriend know that he has moved on. Also, he needs to do it quickly, seeing as how she is calling and texting at 2:30 a.m.? Who does that? He needs to be honest with her, let her know about the two of you, and send her along on her merry (or un-merry, I guess) way.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Thanks Ladies. No doubt, A has issues. I expect the 2:30 calls were post-bar drunken dialing. Oh my......

 

[NakedFinger]

OH and BTW.....what self respecting and decent woman calls a man at his home, with his live in GF (soon to be FI!!!) laying next to him at 2:30am??? Seriously???

I''d like to say its a maturity thing, but I''m 25 and would never do that. Some girls just have no class I guess.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

For a minute, I thought I was reading MY post...this sounded so familiar. I empathize, LC. BF''s most recent ex has been messaging him on FB, commenting on photos of him on FB (OUR photos from OUR vacation btw), e-mailing him to let him know, oh she found a pic of his grandma the other day, can she have his address to mail it to him, and calling him (she''s in freakin'' China btw). And he brushed it off, said he liked remaining friends with exes, etc. Until a few weeks ago, when she drunk dialed him in the early morning her time, and then texted him telling him she missed him (she knows he has a GF btw). I basically blew up, BF acknowledged that my woman''s intuition was right (I didn''t trust her motives the FIRST time she called), but then said, well she''s so far away, and I''m over her, it doesn''t matter what she does, etc. But I don''t really feel like that''s enough - I''d like her out of his life. So I''m really really sorry - I can imagine this is stressful. But I had to tell myself is that BF has never given me reason not to trust him...and he ended things with her a year before he even met me. And your BF has done the same - he''s over her. She''s a part of his past, done and over with, and you are his present and his future. And she may be beautiful on the outside, but I''m sure he thinks you''re the most beautiful woman in the world, inside and out, and heck, we know that you''re way classier (seriously, who drunk texts or calls their exes at 2 AM???). Anyway, sorry for the rambling response!

P.S. I''ve decided to be a litigator

I canceled my other rotations at my firm

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 7/14/2009 10:45:59 AM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl
For a minute, I thought I was reading MY post...this sounded so familiar. I empathize, LC. BF''s most recent ex has been messaging him on FB, commenting on photos of him on FB (OUR photos from OUR vacation btw), e-mailing him to let him know, oh she found a pic of his grandma the other day, can she have his address to mail it to him, and calling him (she''s in freakin'' China btw). And he brushed it off, said he liked remaining friends with exes, etc. Until a few weeks ago, when she drunk dialed him in the early morning her time, and then texted him telling him she missed him (she knows he has a GF btw). I basically blew up, BF acknowledged that my woman''s intuition was right (I didn''t trust her motives the FIRST time she called), but then said, well she''s so far away, and I''m over her, it doesn''t matter what she does, etc. But I don''t really feel like that''s enough - I''d like her out of his life. So I''m really really sorry - I can imagine this is stressful. But I had to tell myself is that BF has never given me reason not to trust him...and he ended things with her a year before he even met me. And your BF has done the same - he''s over her. She''s a part of his past, done and over with, and you are his present and his future. And she may be beautiful on the outside, but I''m sure he thinks you''re the most beautiful woman in the world, inside and out, and heck, we know that you''re way classier (seriously, who drunk texts or calls their exes at 2 AM???). Anyway, sorry for the rambling response!

P.S. I''ve decided to be a litigator

I canceled my other rotations at my firm

Our women''s intuition is so right on. This is why I want to know what my BF is writing - I want to ensure he is crystal clear to this woman that she never has a chance with him and she is stepping into another woman''s territory!!! I just want her to go away and leave us alone.

Are you in Canada Brown.Eyed.Girl??? Any particular type of litigation????

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 7/14/2009 11:29:33 AM
Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 7/14/2009 10:45:59 AM

Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl

For a minute, I thought I was reading MY post...this sounded so familiar. I empathize, LC. BF''s most recent ex has been messaging him on FB, commenting on photos of him on FB (OUR photos from OUR vacation btw), e-mailing him to let him know, oh she found a pic of his grandma the other day, can she have his address to mail it to him, and calling him (she''s in freakin'' China btw). And he brushed it off, said he liked remaining friends with exes, etc. Until a few weeks ago, when she drunk dialed him in the early morning her time, and then texted him telling him she missed him (she knows he has a GF btw). I basically blew up, BF acknowledged that my woman''s intuition was right (I didn''t trust her motives the FIRST time she called), but then said, well she''s so far away, and I''m over her, it doesn''t matter what she does, etc. But I don''t really feel like that''s enough - I''d like her out of his life. So I''m really really sorry - I can imagine this is stressful. But I had to tell myself is that BF has never given me reason not to trust him...and he ended things with her a year before he even met me. And your BF has done the same - he''s over her. She''s a part of his past, done and over with, and you are his present and his future. And she may be beautiful on the outside, but I''m sure he thinks you''re the most beautiful woman in the world, inside and out, and heck, we know that you''re way classier (seriously, who drunk texts or calls their exes at 2 AM???). Anyway, sorry for the rambling response!


P.S. I''ve decided to be a litigator

I canceled my other rotations at my firm

Our women''s intuition is so right on. This is why I want to know what my BF is writing - I want to ensure he is crystal clear to this woman that she never has a chance with him and she is stepping into another woman''s territory!!! I just want her to go away and leave us alone.


Are you in Canada Brown.Eyed.Girl??? Any particular type of litigation????

No kidding! I let my issues go because 1) I trust BF; and 2) the ex is in China. But if she ever moved to the US, the discussion would definitely be reopened, because I honestly don''t trust that girl at all, and even if BF never reciprocates, her intrusive actions can affect both our lives.

I''m actually in the US - I''ll be working in NY. But I''m really excited about lit - I thought I would want to do lit, and this summer basically confirmed that. Although I didn''t know until this summer that I wanted to do IP litigation

 

[Jessie702]

GGGGGGRRRRRRR.....I hate when ex''s do this, and it always seem like it happens with stuff start to get good. I think you reaction is about right, but i do think being CC or BCC on the email is a tad much. Also.... what kind of woman calls and texts at 230 AM.....thats a little scary and disrespectful

. I would tell him to lay it all on the line, or i will. C''s ex called him when we first got together saying she wanted to see the dog, and he said no

.She kept calling, so he said fine, but you arent comming to the house, meet me at work and you can have her for a few hours. Well the ex didnt show, and i had to go pick up Ladee, about 30 miles away from my house, But i didnt care, i didnt want to the ex to have my new baby anyways

. Well the ex called that night and was making up excuses and saying i want to see you and Ladee

. Well C said No, Ladee(the dog) has a new mommy now and im happily taken. The ex stopped calling after that. I have a reason behind the story, maybe your ex was trying to be nice, like C was, and its not getting in the girls head. He is gonna have to stop by nice, Like C did and she will get the hint

 

[LitigatorChick]

Yes, my BF is trying to be nice. I guess A doesn''t have many friends, had a crappy life, and is really anxious and self-conscious. So he doesn''t want to hurt her. Which I respect - a man that treats even his ex with care and compassion is a man I want to be with.

The problem is that with his concern, he may leave it open for her to read between the lines, which I am sure that she is doing.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Here''s the thing...and I went through something similar with my DH...

DH has an ex-girlfriend, they were together for a year. She wasn''t right for him...so he ended it. K, the ex, was heartbroken and absolutely wanted Mark back. Now, I met Mark right on the heels of this relationship...so as he and I were getting into our relationship...he was still in the final stages of untangling himself from K.

One day K called Mark very upset. She had lost her job and was understandably shaken. Mark, of course, didn''t answer...told me... he listened to the message, and then turned to me for advice.

I guess, as much as I loved Mark, I was still a girl. I''d been where K was...upset, heartbroken, reaching out...and there were times when I was completely shut out. I didn''t know the reasoning behind why my ex''s ignored me...but I knew exactly how it felt, regardless. So, I told Mark to call her. To treat her like a friend...explain to her that she will be okay, and if it''s the right time, tell her about me. He did. They spoke for a while...some of the conversation I heard, other parts I didn''t. And in the end, he came down stairs relieved. He had comforted her with encouragement...but he had also told her I was the reason he called, that I had told him too. He told me that he had told her we were getting serious...and that he loved me. She, for her credit, took it well. And in the end, we never heard from her again.

I know it''s really easy when the ex calls or texts to get uppity and possessive...but it doesn''t change the fact that she''s calling, and all it does is cast you in bad way. If you''re really ready/wanting to marry this man...then trust needs to be there. You need to trust that he can speak with her, tell her the truth without needing the details or to be CC''d.

She''s only a threat to you if you allow her to be. By acting like what she does or doesn''t do has zero effect on you...well, that says a lot.

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

Date: 7/14/2009 1:05:23 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Here''s the thing...and I went through something similar with my DH...


DH has an ex-girlfriend, they were together for a year. She wasn''t right for him...so he ended it. K, the ex, was heartbroken and absolutely wanted Mark back. Now, I met Mark right on the heels of this relationship...so as he and I were getting into our relationship...he was still in the final stages of untangling himself from K.


One day K called Mark very upset. She had lost her job and was understandably shaken. Mark, of course, didn''t answer...told me... he listened to the message, and then turned to me for advice.


I guess, as much as I loved Mark, I was still a girl. I''d been where K was...upset, heartbroken, reaching out...and there were times when I was completely shut out. I didn''t know the reasoning behind why my ex''s ignored me...but I knew exactly how it felt, regardless. So, I told Mark to call her. To treat her like a friend...explain to her that she will be okay, and if it''s the right time, tell her about me. He did. They spoke for a while...some of the conversation I heard, other parts I didn''t. And in the end, he came down stairs relieved. He had comforted her with encouragement...but he had also told her I was the reason he called, that I had told him too. He told me that he had told her we were getting serious...and that he loved me. She, for her credit, took it well. And in the end, we never heard from her again.


I know it''s really easy when the ex calls or texts to get uppity and possessive...but it doesn''t change the fact that she''s calling, and all it does is cast you in bad way. If you''re really ready/wanting to marry this man...then trust needs to be there. You need to trust that he can speak with her, tell her the truth without needing the details or to be CC''d.


She''s only a threat to you if you allow her to be. By acting like what she does or doesn''t do has zero effect on you...well, that says a lot.

I wish my BF''s ex was as harmless as the one your DH had, Italiahaircolor!

It is easy for us, behind our computers with our men who don''t necessarily resemble models to say, ''oh, you are overreacting, try to be more trusting''. Of course it is important for there to be trust, but sometimes another girl meddling in your relationship shouldn''t be brushed off.

My BF broke up with his ex a year before I met him, and they stayed friends, even when she started dating her new BF (now ex). It bothered me he confided to her about us, and told her details about our relationship, but I got over it- because at least he was talking about us.

As time went on, even though she had a new BF, she would call, text, email my BF all the time for help, for rides to Dr. appointments, help with her computer, help with the house, etc. etc. Shouldn''t her new BF be helping?! She would also try to find faults in us, why we weren''t good together. She did not have harmless intentions.

He finally phased her out because he knew it hurt me, and when she noticed he wasn''t responsive anymore, she sent him an email saying "I can''t believe you let some girl come between us", ME being the girl. It was clear then, that something was missing from her new relationship and 6 months into our relationship, she still didn''t want to let go of my BF. He cut off all ties because he finally realized I was right about her motives, sending an email back saying "she isn''t just some girl, she is THE girl, that I am in love with".


LC,

Have your BF be very very clear in his email, saying something similar to what my BF said above to his ex. (mind you, I didn''t have to ask him to email that, I think it freaked him out that I was right about her)

Give it time, if your instinct is right (and mine was) he will eventually realize it and agree with you. But in my case, it took BF a few months to realize she wasn''t a ''harmless'' friend.

 

[LilyKat]

Think about it this way. You''re a gorgeous, smart, successful woman with a beautiful little son. You have a guy who is so in love with you he has bought a ring and is planning a proposal. And along comes a sad, pitiful ex-girlfriend chasing after a man who left her and is now with someone else.

You have it all and she has nothing - apparently not even self-respect and class, judging by her behaviour. I''d feel kind of sorry for her.

 

[LitigatorChick]

You ladies are so awesome and sweet to me

I don''t want him to be mean (okay a little part of me does, but I restrain that part), but I want him to make her understand that there is no hope for them and he is with me, forever. He can let her down easy, but she needs to be let down.

I feel bad for A. She was too immature to appreciate what she had. And she lost him. She clearly regrets this and can''t get over him. In a way, I go from jealous to proud to have such an incredible man.

 

[thatsthegirl212]

I don''t think it''s trust issue with your BF but more of your own insecurities , after all, let''s face it, we all have insecurites! I would also be bothered if a younger, hotter, ex decided she wanted my BF back. You have to remember that they broke up for a reason, have you ever asked him why? He obviously loved you, he has let you in on the fact that she''s trying to re-enter his life, believe me, if he had any feeling for her, you wouldn''t even know she was around again!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 7/14/2009 2:54:51 PM
Author: thatsthegirl212
I don''t think it''s trust issue with your BF but more of your own insecurities , after all, let''s face it, we all have insecurites! I would also be bothered if a younger, hotter, ex decided she wanted my BF back. You have to remember that they broke up for a reason, have you ever asked him why? He obviously loved you, he has let you in on the fact that she''s trying to re-enter his life, believe me, if he had any feeling for her, you wouldn''t even know she was around again!

You are bang on. I know why they broke up - she is so insecure and immature. They fought every other day like clockwork. She had a lot of mental problems. So her hotness was not enough.....

 

[Delster]

If you are concerned about the content of his email leaving a door open for this girl to keep contacting him, then him cc''ing you on the email he sends won''t be of any use in that regard as by the time you have a chance to tell him about the chink he''s left open in the text the damage will already be done! What I think you should do is to help him draft the email to her, and then just let him send it, and trust him to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you about what''s going on.

Oh and a huge ditto to everyone who''s pointed out what a wonderful smart woman you are and what a lucky man your BF is to have caught a catch like you. And on top of all that, I''ve seen your picture - you''re super hot! He''s a lucky man on all fronts!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Hey Delster - hope you are well. You are too sweet.

I thought about drafting the email together, or reviewing his draft, but I decided to leave this alone. I want to see it so I can tell him what she could possibly take from it. I want it to be his conversation in his words, with my insight. I dunno - maybe I should go your way. He hasn''t sent it yet so if he doesn''t do it by the time I get home, I might help him out with it.

 

[Hera]

I really think you should let your bf compose and send the letter without you seeing it. While you may believe that maybe your bf wasn''t able to convey that he is not interested, it could be that the ex gf is ignoring or misinterpreting the email. If she misunderstands it again, then he''ll send her another and another or maybe he''ll stop emailing all together. You say that you have trust in him so trust that he can send a letter coherently conveying his thoughts and trust that he only has eyes for you.

 

[Indylady]

I don''t think its trust as much as it is being a little insecure. Which is perfectly natural and human. You need to believe in yourself! Its something that no one else can do for you. We all do, now its just time for you to join the club too!

 

[tlh]

is the only reason you''re wanting to be copied is so the ex can see your name on the email?

Because honestly, I think asking to be cc''d is bad news. Trust him, and get your sense of self confidence back. Who cares if she misinterprets the email? You can''t MAKE him stay, you can''t MAKE him love you more... you have to trust that he WANTS to stay with you, and that he LOVES YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

Leave it alone, and just vent about it here. I''d be happier if he just ignored the email, and didn''t respond to it at all. A response is like feeding a stray cat, once they know where the food comes from, they''ll keep coming around....

best wishes, and a huge hug!