Everyone else is married!!! ugh

[lucyandroger]

Hi Ladies,

Does it ever seem like everyone else is married and somehow feeling sorry for you for not being at least engaged. The BF and I are pretty young, 24 & 25, but are both attorneys so I guess we end up hanging around an older crowd. Well lately it seems like everyone around us is married.

This past weekend we went to my BF''s coworker''s holiday party. Every couple there was married which already had me feeling a little awkward when my BF kept introducing me as his GF. Then one of his other coworkers who was there with his wife actually said.."oh, you''re not married...how long have you been together?" and then asked "do you live together?" It was like just because we''re not married, he felt like he could ask us personal questions and then judge our relationship.

Then yesterday I was at a work lunch event. Everyone at my table was married. We were talking about our plans for Christmas and I said that I would be spending the holiday in the city where my BF''s family lives. The attorney next to me said, "Oh! Will you be meeting the family for the first time?" My BF and I have been together for over 3 years and we know each other''s families very well...

I know these people weren''t trying to be judgemental or annoying. But has anyone else had these experiences where you just want to scream that just because you''re not engaged or married doesn''t mean you''re not in a happy, stable, serious relationship?

 

[lala2332]

haha....my BF and I talk about this all the time. We are in a 3rd year of law school and while in school it isn''t bad, but over the summer it def. was interesting sometimes. I think we will be a similar position as we start our jobs after the Bar.

I don''t have really any advice, just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. It really is an awkward limbo time when you are serious, but not yet engaged/married because saying boyfriend/girlfriend is so inadequate to describe who the person is for you....it sounds so high school to me. And there are so many stages of bf/gf...just seeing each other/casually dating to very serious-long term relationships.

Sorry this has you upset!

 

[Winks_Elf]

I hear ya. Try being 39, having four children ranging from 2 to 11 years old, and having a "boyfriend!" The looks I get from some people...

 

[trillionaire]

SO and I get these comments a lot, but we have been together for 5+yrs. When we go to his company events they give him such a hard time, it really makes me laugh and laugh. People call me his fiance to rile him up, and offer to threaten his job security if he doesn''t propose.

I think people mean well, but when we are self conscious about it, it seems like the questions are really personal. Especially for company events, people are just trying to make conversation and connect. One day it will be you in the married club, asking some young couple probing questions

 

[Still_Waiting]

Just wait until you start getting asked the baby questions...lol

Sorry this is frustrating you! I do know how you feel and it REALLY gets to me sometimes. (Like last month when THREE people in one week asked if we were engaged "yet".) It makes me feel a million years behind schedule. Whatever that is. I guess just left behind. My friends have been married for years now and have started families. And the one couple who started dating about the time we did got married last summer. Sheesh!

It totally sucks sometimes, but try not to let it get you down. Sometimes I think people are just jealous because their relationships aren''t as exciting anymore. Seeing an unmarried couple brings back memories of how exciting and how much they had to look forward to early on in their relationships. I''ve actually had married friends tell me they miss those days when everything is still exciting. Now, granted, if you''ve been together for awhile this is probably not the case anymore, but I think it still makes people remember those blissful, care-free days. LOL!

Try to ignore it best you can! It''s especially tough right now around the holidays with extra parties and diamond commericals on T.V.!

 

[BlueSki231]

I know it''s frustrating.

Every couple I see out and about around our age group seems to AT LEAST be engaged.
The past couple years, when I see a couple I''ve noticed myself immediately looking at the girl''s left hand to see if there''s a ring on it

.. if there is then I look at the guy''s left hand .
I don''t even know why I care that much - I never noticed stuff like that when I was in my early 20''s!

It''s just hard when it seems as though everyone around you is married/engaged... and right where you wish you could be.

Oh well.. patience, I suppose

 

[kittybean]

I definitely know how you feel. I''m also a 24-year-old attorney, and for a while, my now-FI was the only unmarried person in his 50+-attorney office. While no one was saying, "Hey, why aren''t you married?" I still felt weird at firm functions and such, and it was kind of disconcerting to be the only "girlfriend" around. For a long time, we discussed marriage, but I had no idea when we were going to get engaged, and a lot of times, I just wanted to somehow prove my relationship was the real thing.

Of course, while I had all those feelings, I knew they weren''t rational, but being a LIW skewed my rational thought a little bit. All I can say is hang in there--you know that your relationship is the real deal. Try to keep reminding yourself of that, even though it''s hard!

 

[CNYHopeful]

Like many of the posts above, I too, have felt the pressure and disappointment of not being engaged while talking with co-workers and friends. Today, one of my consultants asked if I expected a proposal this holiday season and I had to tell him that there''s really not much of a chance and speculated it might be February or March.

On the other hand, the guys also hear it and feel pressure too. Like, I know SO is planning the proposal, and it''s just not here yet but people keep asking him about it. After telling me about the business trip he just returned from, he brought up how a couple of the guys he works with were asking if we had set a date yet (apparently one of his friends and co-workers had told them that he was planning a proposal soon, "but not soon enough") he said. He did have this cute look on his face though, so I just said "for me, and for a lot of women, soon is never soon enough...but I know it''s all for good reason". He just reassured me that he''s working on it so I just try to remind myself to enjoy the holidays without any anticipation of a Christmas/New Year''s proposal.

Who knows, for some the proposal might be closer than you think! Enjoy the season!

 

[Savvymon]

I understand the fustration!!!!

When they start on the 'ooohh your not married yet' *sniff* rant

I drift off and dream of the fact that my ring will kick all of their butts bcoz my man:
a. knows im in lust with half of the stones on GOG!!!

b. he has amazing taste and enough sense to choose the best of the beauties and a sexy setting to make them drool

hehehehehe

I am mean!!!!!

Loz

 

[Pandora II]

Just move to London!

Most of our friends aren''t married yet and we''re all in our mid-30s.

 

[elrohwen]

Most of our friends are in their early 30s and married, but it never bothered me before we were engaged. I guess I just realized that they are a bit older than me and when I'm their age, I'll have the same things they do (a husband, a house, etc). People would ask us when we were getting engaged, etc, but I never took offense to it because I think they were really just excited about meeting a new couple and wanted to figure out our "story".

I know it's hard, but I would try to stay more relaxed about it. They're definitely not judging your relationship and looking down on you. You said they asked how long you'd been together, but if you were married they probably would've asked how long you had been married. No harm meant, I think they were just making small talk.

ETA: I am sorry that it bothers you though! I know how hard it is to feel like you're waiting forever for a proposal while no one around you is in the same boat.

 

[ringless]

I feel your pain... last weekend I went to my bf''s holiday work party as well and almost everyone was asking how long we were together (7 years) and every time someone hears that they literally GASP and are shocked were not at least engaged, or someone will look at my hand nonchalantly. I am so used to it by now though. I just smile and say "I know it''s shocking, but when the time is right it will happen."

 

[ringless]

Date: 12/19/2008 1:25:09 AM
Author: CNYHopeful
Like many of the posts above, I too, have felt the pressure and disappointment of not being engaged while talking with co-workers and friends. Today, one of my consultants asked if I expected a proposal this holiday season and I had to tell him that there''s really not much of a chance and speculated it might be February or March.

On the other hand, the guys also hear it and feel pressure too. Like, I know SO is planning the proposal, and it''s just not here yet but people keep asking him about it. After telling me about the business trip he just returned from, he brought up how a couple of the guys he works with were asking if we had set a date yet (apparently one of his friends and co-workers had told them that he was planning a proposal soon, ''but not soon enough'') he said. He did have this cute look on his face though, so I just said ''for me, and for a lot of women, soon is never soon enough...but I know it''s all for good reason''. He just reassured me that he''s working on it so I just try to remind myself to enjoy the holidays without any anticipation of a Christmas/New Year''s proposal.

Who knows, for some the proposal might be closer than you think! Enjoy the season!

I totally feel the same as you and that is too funny our situation is very similar! A lot of my bf''s friends and co-workers have been asking him and some are jokingly giving him a hard time, saying what a great catch I am, etc. I kinda like that I''m not the one putting the pressure, that it''s his friends! haha. We can only hope for holiday proposals, but God has a plan for us and we''ll just have to wait it out and see!
I agree when you say for some the proposal may be closer than you think... aren''t you excited thinking it could be any day now??? Oh the anticipation!!!

 

[J-in-B]

Date: 12/19/2008 10:08:45 AM
Author: elrohwen
I know it''s hard, but I would try to stay more relaxed about it. They''re definitely not judging your relationship and looking down on you.

I actually had asked a relationship question on another board I was a member of some time ago. It was nothing in terms of wanting to get engaged. Just some everyday fuss, basically him behaving in a way that triggered my jealousy.

Most of the (married) ladies on this board asked why I was bothering at all. Since after (then) 3 years we weren''t married yet, I wasn''t in a serious relationship anyway, and even if he wanted to sleep around, he by all means had the right to since there was no ring on my finger.

Needless to say I did not go back to this board.

 

[Dreamgirl]

You start to notice that more as you get older. FF and I are both 27. Been together 10 years. So many people pass us by that are younger than us, and been in relationships for 2 years.....

 

[Haven]

I understand your frustration, but before my DH and I were engaged I remember feeling mostly excited that I still had the big excitement of a proposal and a wedding to go through, and I kind of felt sorry for all the married people that they were already done with that. My guess is that people don''t ask you these questions out of malice, as rude as they may seem, it sounds like they are just a bit socially inept and don''t realize how invasive they are.

Besides, only you know your relationship and how wonderful it is. If they want to judge, I''d just pity them for being so unhappy that they have to project ill feelings onto others.

 

[CNOS128]

Oops. I might be one of those women, but I''m not married yet. Even before I was engaged, I''d ask people about their relationships - not prying, but if they brought it up first or it seemed to fit into the conversation. I''ve never pointed out that people weren''t married, though. If someone told me they were going to their boyfriend''s family''s house, I might ask if they were meeting the family for the first time. I still don''t see what''s wrong with that; it''s not a statement about the seriousness of your relationship.

It''s certainly not out of judgment or condescension when I do it, at least. I just want everyone to be as happy as I am with my fiance. For the same reason I bother all my male friends about when they''ll propose to their girlfriends. (They don''t mind - all their girl friend seem to do this).

I''ve definitely seen the other side - I went to a party with my fiance before we were engaged, and it was mostly other couples. I''d introduce him -- "I''m TheBigT, and this is Joe," and more than one person responded to that with, "Are you married?" Which I thought was a pretty forward question to ask (but they may have been looking for "married couple" friends, which is what I thought at the time). It didn''t make me feel insecure or like they didn''t take my relationship seriously, I just thought they were rude.

Also - attorneys are famous for having poor social skills, so take everything they say with a grain of salt.

 

[musey]

I'm sorry you're feeling annoyed, but do know that almost no matter what (unless you're exactly on par with your friends/peers), you'll have awkward moments like these. My husband and I are the only married couple in our circle, and people don't 'get it.' They're supportive and love us, but they forget sometimes what being married does (and doesn't) mean.

For example, we're going to my parents' for the holidays this year. When a friend asked if/when I'd be in town this year, she suggested having a couple of girls' nights (we'll be there four days).

I had an awkward time coming up with a way to tell her "I shouldn't leave my husband at home with my family while I go hang out with 'the girls' all night" that didn't harken back to our high school days when she accused me of blowing off my friends for "some guy."

We also get the people asking when the kids are coming, and confused when we say "not for a few years" (as though there was no reason for us to get married when we did if it wasn't to start popping out children). Oh, and there are the people who ask "Don't you feel like you lost your identity?" when I mention having taken my husband's name. How about "Your husband isn't supporting you both?" when I say that, of course, I am still working.


It's everywhere, no matter what you do, or when and how you do it. If it's not one thing, it's another! I know it's annoying, but people mean well. They're rarely out to make you feel bad.

 

[happydreams]

I know how you feel. I get really embarressed when the topic of marriage comes up for us. I usually shift my eyes away at some point during the conversation, and the question asker/personal life griller gets the point and changes the topic.

Try not to get too worked up about it though. For the people asking those questions, they just don''t know you that well (or at all, if you''re meeting at a co-worker''s holiday party) and is trying to make small talk. Its just a way to pass the time and get to know you.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/19/2008 10:20:48 AM
Author: ringless
I feel your pain... last weekend I went to my bf''s holiday work party as well and almost everyone was asking how long we were together (7 years) and every time someone hears that they literally GASP and are shocked were not at least engaged, or someone will look at my hand nonchalantly. I am so used to it by now though. I just smile and say ''I know it''s shocking, but when the time is right it will happen.''

HAHAHA! What''s up with people grabbing hands to look for rings! This happend to me in September at one of SO''s work functions! That is a little over the top I think, but I love that people throw it in SO''s face, and they give him a hard time and tell me I can do better, and how on EARTH do I put up with him.

Hehehe. However, the mother of the bride called me his fiance at his brother''s wedding, and HE grabbed my hand and shoved it in her face, and said, nope, just regular girlfriend. Now, I have no qualms with being the GF, but you don''t have to act so utterly thrilled, and like being engaged to me seemed so horrible.

Yeah, he got the stink eye for that one.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 12/19/2008 7:50:50 PM
Author: trillionaire


However, the mother of the bride called me his fiance at his brother's wedding, and HE grabbed my hand and shoved it in her face, and said, nope, just regular girlfriend. Now, I have no qualms with being the GF, but you don't have to act so utterly thrilled, and like being engaged to me seemed so horrible.

Yeah, he got the stink eye for that one.

ooooh, Trillionaire that's not cool. But giving him the benefit of the doubt....maybe he wants it to be a really big deal when you get engaged. He doesn't want people to say, oh, weren't you already engaged. Plus if he's shoving your hand in people's faces, he must be planning to get you an awesome ring!