Ever feel like shopping together ruins the surprise?

[thebunnybears]

My BF and I have been talking about an engagement for over 2 years. We're going on 4 years, lived together 3 years, and have joint everything!

We knew it was practical to shop together for my ring, afterall, he would have a hard time surprising me because I manage the finances in our household. Only recently did we Seriously start ring shopping, but I feel like I am doing too much of the leg work. I'm starting to feel like I'm buying myself the ring because I'm researching, picking out the diamond, setting, the jeweler to go with etc. Although I know at our stage shopping together works for us, I do feel a tinge of regret that I didn't give him more credit to take care of this on his own and try to surprise me. He wouldn't even be able to surprise me to When he proposes.. I Know our anniversary is coming within the year and I Know he wants to take me on a vacation

I'm guessing the women on this forum are mostly those that know an engagement may be nearing and/or are shopping together? Any thoughts on surprise engagements vs planned engagements?

 

[gem_anemone]

I am in the same boat as you, thebunnybears, but only going on 3 years this fall. We have been talking about marriage since day one, but have been taking our time since then making sure we do the right thing! I guess moving in together after a few short months of dating is not slow , but we didn't buy a house until last year. We talked a bit about rings last year too. I thought the proposal would be then too, but nope! My BF just took me ring shopping this May and purchased a ring shortly after (his choice, but he picked the exact one I wanted). I did my research on here after he made the purchase, but I am still happy with the diamond he got. I didn't even realize PS existed until after the fact!

I have to say that I am not really sure if surprising me with an engagement ring that I had no say in would have been a good idea, but who knows. He has really good taste and he knows what my taste is. I wear all the other jewelry he's gotten me. I didn't research diamonds seriously until AFTER the purchase, so it's likely I would have been happy with whatever he got if I knew nothing.

The only thing my BF will get to surprise me with is the proposal itself. He has the ring and I'm patiently waiting. At least trying to be patient! I'm sure even though we picked out the ring together that it didn't ruin the surprise. Even if the surprise was slightly ruined I'd rather have a say in the diamond I wear for the rest of my life, but that's just me. I can honestly say that I didn't care about rings before I knew he bought one, but the longer I go knowing he has it the more crazy I become! Every time we go somewhere or do something I'm eyeing his pockets for the box. It gives me anxiety! He wants me to relax and I think I've been doing a good job coping, but I don't think he can ever understand how hard waiting really is.

Good luck with your shopping and future proposal! I hope your BF doesn't tell you when he purchases the ring or if he does he doesn't make you wait too long! I really do think waiting is the worst part about having shopped together and if I could do it over again I'd rather not know exactly when he made the purchase.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Absolutely not. I mean, I can see where you're coming from, but I loved shopping with my husband for my ring.

We both went into knowing that it was a very pricy decision, and he wanted me involved. Whatever he bought, he wanted me to love--not that I was super particular, but I was interesting in having my say. And again, with the money thing, it was coming out of what would soon be a "joint pot"...meaning that while it was still "his" money buying the ring, it was really "our" money and he wanted me to be comfortable knowing that okay, this ring is XXk and that's cash, so that's XXk less cash than we have right now.

It also, in many ways, made the process very real. We both knew what we wanted, and it was like the start of our engagement. As soon as we settled on a ring, I felt like I was engaged and gave myself a free pass at the wedding magazines and bridal sites. It was very exciting. It drew the process out longer. I got to enjoy the pre-engagement with such worry-free anticipation that when we were "officially engaged" I couldn't wait to start planning our wedding.

And then there is this...a lot of people upgrade their rings and I think that's great. But I have such sentimental value attached to mine, I don't know if I ever could. That was a really fun time for us, and there is huge meaning attached to the ring just on that alone. I remember when our jeweler called and told us the stones we ordered were in, it was down to 3 that we could look at decide from based on what we said we wanted. We were SO excited. We had champagne and a healthy debate on which was best for my setting. I still remember that day, and it was awesome.

To each their own, if it's bothering you, you can always drop out...but for me, I wouldn't have miss that time for the world.

 

[MissStepcut]

I haven't been having a great experience picking mine out. I always imagined a man would show up with the ring that he thought was perfect for me and I would love it for that reason. Instead, BF has really encouraged me to take the lead, and while I will get exactly what I want, so far it hasn't been romantic at all.

 

[captainmcgee]

I am in the same boat. I have been waiting over 7 months. We got the ring last year in November

Miss Stepcut I definitely know how you are feeling. In my case it was completely unromantic but I guess I have to wear it for the rest of my life I have to love it and he is extremely nervous when picking anything out for me he doesn't trust his own taste I imagine if I had of left him to it, I would have ended up with exactly the same thing but then again who knows.

The wait is so hard, but I am glad I was involved.

 

[jenmarie]

My fiance and I were together for 5 years when he proposed last year. We had picked out my ring together about a month before, but it took us MONTHS to find exactly what we wanted. When you're going to spend that much money, you might as well get it right the first time! I don't think that picking a ring out together means anything regarding a proposal. I also don't see the point in keeping the person who will be wearing the ring for the rest of her life out of the design process.

I was still surprised when he proposed to me. Even though I knew we were getting engaged soon, I did not expect him to do it when he did. Unless you have a hand in planning your own proposal or obsess about everything leading up to it, the proposal will still be a surprise. Once you pick out a ring, try to forget about it. It's impossible, but try! If not, you'll over analyze and either figure out when he's doing it or you'll think you did and be disappointed when it doesn't happen.

 

[kateydid05]

I wish I could get my boyfriend to ring shop/buy together!! I have no idea of any plans...I just have a file saved on my computer with what I would like (he knows it's there) and I can only hope for the best. His thinking is that all of our friends were surprised with engagements to which I replied...they haven't been dating 7 years (most were about the 1-3 year mark). At this point everything is a formality so it's not like I'm going to be blindsided by an engagement, haha.

 

[bee*]

I loved picking out my engagement ring with my DH. It was fun looking and trying on and seeing what we liked although there was only ever one ring that was a contender. DH asked me to give him 6 months from the date we bought it so he could surprise me and he planned a trip to Barcelona about three months after we bought the ring. It wasn't a total surprise that he did it on that trip but I loved it regardless.

 

[confusedaisy]

Absolutely not! I found the stone, we saw it in person together (what an amazing and unforgettable experience), we chose the setting together, and I knew when it got in. I also had a hunch that he would propose asap (he proposed 3 days after he got it).
When he finally did propose, as he was walking me to "his spot", I had a feeling where he was taking me- and even with all those very OBVIOUS signs, I cried like a baby when he finally proposed and it was the single most romantic moment in my life. Let him keep a few surprises (I didn't see the ring once it was done)- but when he proposes all of that will fade away!! Good luck and DUST!!

 

[Blackpaw]

My SO and i are in the same boat, TBB, at first (and this was a few years ago!) i said 'i like this style' and he said cool...but it happened to be a T&Co proprietary piece and i was shocked at the cost, so i did a bit more research and alas i found pricescope! after which point it became apparent id probably need to be involved!!

And like you and your SO i manage our finances and have done for some time so the buying the ring part of it was always going to be super hard for him to keep secret.

So now he has the ring and i just have to wait it out, even though sometimes i feel like i need to breathe into a paper bag im so stressed from waiting

 

[windblownhair]

We picked out the ring together. We have such different tastes that we were both worried that I would end up with a rig I didn't like if he shopped on his own. He ended up picking out his wedding ring at the same time, so it wasn't a surprise for either of us, but we both ended up with exactly what we wanted.

Of course, I didn't end up knowing when the actual engagement was. That part was enough of a surprise for me. And for 3 year anniversary he surprised me with a upgrade and did an excellent job. So its not like this is the last opportunity he will have to surprise you

 

[thebunnybears]

Wonderful stories I am reading... It puts my mind at ease a bit. I guess I was just worried I was being too involved and particular and not giving him his freedom to take control. He's liked the fact I am involved, I think he's relieved all that pressure is off him

But it's true the process has made this ring very special me. And when you are spending this amount of cash on something that can be smaller than a fingernail it makes me feel better I am involved.

I do sometimes feel it would be nice to get that little pre-engagement anxiety because it might make it a better surprise.. But it's a trade off.

On a side note... We received a package in the mail yesterday from GOG.. I got my loose stone!!! My hunnie did insist he initiate the payment and shipping / recieving. Hes been allowing me to wear it on the makeshift band a couple times around the apartment, but when i asked if this meant we were engaged he said "nope"

Our next step is
.. he wants a custom laser inscription and then we will be looking for a custom ring designer

 

[Hospatogi]

My fiance and I picked out our stone and setting together. I have no regrets about that at all because it gave us the unique opportunity to create something together. And I know that my fiance would have been really disappointed if he had put all the time, effort, and money into something that I didnt really love wearing. And even though I knew the proposal was coming I was still blown away when it actually happened. So go ahead and design the ring of your dreams knowing that soon you will be marrying the man of your dreams !!! Good Luck and keep us posted

 

[Winks_Elf]

Personally, I think too many women have the Cinderella syndrome where they get too wrapped up in the fantasy of their prince sweeping them off their feet with a surprise proposal complete with the ring of their dreams. When you live together and your finances are already joint, why on earth would you not be involved in the decisions on how much to spend on the ring, the design of it (after all you are the one wearing it), and so on. Unless he's getting you a bargain ring that only costs a few hundred, you're talking about investing anywhere from $1,000 to over $10k on something that's going to be on your hand as an outward symbol of love. Starting the engagement out in debt without the bride knowing about it is not a good way to begin. The engagement ring should be mutually decided upon, especially if you're already living together and sharing joint fiscal responsibility. After all, you are making the decision to get engaged and get married together. Why not decide on the ring together?

Waiting for a complete surprise engagement can subconsciously feel like being the last person to get picked for a team. Not a good way to start out a marriage. Sure, you'll be happy after the ring is on the finger, but those feelings of angst don't go away subconsciously.

 

[kateydid05]

Personally, I think too many women have the Cinderella syndrome where they get too wrapped up in the fantasy of their prince sweeping them off their feet with a surprise proposal complete with the ring of their dreams. When you live together and your finances are already joint, why on earth would you not be involved in the decisions on how much to spend on the ring, the design of it (after all you are the one wearing it), and so on. Unless he's getting you a bargain ring that only costs a few hundred, you're talking about investing anywhere from $1,000 to over $10k on something that's going to be on your hand as an outward symbol of love. Starting the engagement out in debt without the bride knowing about it is not a good way to begin. The engagement ring should be mutually decided upon, especially if you're already living together and sharing joint fiscal responsibility. After all, you are making the decision to get engaged and get married together. Why not decide on the ring together?

Waiting for a complete surprise engagement can subconsciously feel like being the last person to get picked for a team. Not a good way to start out a marriage. Sure, you'll be happy after the ring is on the finger, but those feelings of angst don't go away subconsciously.

Thank you, I feel the EXACT same way about this. I should show it to my boyfriend. I can't even convince him to go ring browsing together.

 

[natsplat]

I absolutely agree with Winks_Elf

I am currently building my ering with my SO, and it is the most exciting and romantic thing I can think of doing. The anticipation and work that is going into it is so so much fun! I know my SO feels the same way.

This way, he can plan the surprise of proposal and know I will adore what he gives me, so he doesn't have that element to worry over. And I can know I have an amazing gorgeous ring that I love coming, and be excited by that, but still have the surprise of the actual proposal. Job done!

 

[thebunnybears]

I'm not talking about Cinderella Syndrome, for me Personally. We had a budget (without being in debt at all), a shape, a style in line. I was talking about the details, which jeweler, who takes the initiative to call/email/contact.. color, polish, symmetry.. After a min specification was already agreed on. Although Many women love to be totally involved, and more power to them, I felt as if in our situation with my bf just loving anything and everything I showed him , his say was muted by my enthusiasm.


We often say from a woman's perspective we'd love to be involved with the process, and from HIS perspective, he wanted me to be as happy as can be picking out my ring. However, we did discuss at one point that perhaps my enthusiasm was overwhelming his. Since that initial post, I've come to understand that he was ambivalent because he just wanted me to be happy with whatever I chose, so he just stepped back let me do whatever made me happy.. And being so happy I I didn't realize my frustration at his ambivalence was due to me being so enthusiastic he just went along for the ride! So much we learn right?

So now after my initial leg work into the research, he will take the reigns to put it together and make it happen. I felt guilty I wasn't giving him enough credit and to trust his ability to create me the perfect ring (with my guidance of course) And he responded Very well to it and he became even more excited in the process. I did alot of the work into the initial plunge of e-ring shopping (I think in part he was grateful for that haha) but now he's taking on the role of putting our loose stone with our custom setting and getting it all in line and paid for!

But Yes I can see the point of many women out there not wanting any part of it to have it be a "TOTAL" surprise. Or Vice Versa, the man wanting to take it upon himself. It can lead to financial stress and a not so perfect ring. But I also can imagine and have seen many practical surprise engagements. It all depends on the couple I suppose.

There are many sides to the spectrum, I've liked hearing from all sides!

 

[kellygold]

Agreed with what a lot of others are saying...for us, it's much more practical for me to be involved. He's the money manager in our relationship, but I'm the researcher. I plan out the specs of all our other big purchases...why not the ring?

We haven't started shopping yet, but my approximate plan is to look around together, choose a vendor and setting, and then let him select the final center stone once we've looked at a few and I've established my preferences. That way, if he wants to surprise me with something bigger than expected, he can!

 

[Winks_Elf]

In the end, we are the ones who have to wear it. If we pick it out, we can't bitch at them when we grow tired of the setting/want a bigger or better stone, etc. I wonder how many of the gals who "want the surprise" would also let their man pick out the one and only car they'll drive for the next 10-20 years, or their clothing for the next few decades.

 

[maplefemme]

In a way I really wanted the surprise proposal, yes. I won't be getting that now because we have picked the stone and ring together, mostly me picking actually, he gave me free reign.
However, he would not have picked me what I like, it was clear from day #1 of ring shopping that we were on different pages, I can only fathom what he would have gotten me. Yes, it would have been a surprise and romantic (though I still haven't had the proposal yet, we are still in the design phase, and I have no doubt it'll be romantic as that's just his way) but the reality is once that moment is gone and I have to wear the ring for life, I know I'd have wished we'd have picked it out together.
You can't have your cake and eat it too I guess, but really it's a win-win, you get a great guy and a great ring, that's more than enough for me

 

[cutelittlelion]

In my case there wouldn't be much of a surprise anyway After being together for 11 years, buying a house and other major stuff together and having two gorgeous sons, we decided to get married while loading the dishwasher...

And even after all that time, knowing each other so well, there are still surprises during the ring-shopping process!

Doing the research, determining our likes and dislikes, priorities (cut, clarity etc), trying to combine them all into a ring that will symbolize our love for eachother? It's interesting to say the least... And a very good exercise in what having a relationship is about, such as compromise and communication!

The surprise may be smaller, but you'll have a stronger relationship for it!

 

[alvina]

i feel like shopping together ruins the fun..... moreover i believe this is the testing times about how much your beloved knows you or had observed your tiny miny gestures...

 

[centralsquare]

It may ruin part of the surprise, but there are still many surprises that can happen as part of the process. I didn't have a ton of say and to be honest i wish I had. I love my ring but on a purchase that big that you'll have forever, you probably want to be part of the process to some degree. you don't want to be too surprised either...and have it be something you hate!!

 

[MissStepcut]

i feel like shopping together ruins the fun..... moreover i believe this is the testing times about how much your beloved knows you or had observed your tiny miny gestures...

I don't believe it's fair to test your SO like this.

 

[AmeliaG]

i feel like shopping together ruins the fun..... moreover i believe this is the testing times about how much your beloved knows you or had observed your tiny miny gestures...

I don't believe it's fair to test your SO like this.

If she treats it lightheartedly, it can work out. My SIL did this to my brother and they did fine. At first, all he wanted to provide was his CC and she was not happy with that. They went ring shopping but every time she got too assertive, he backed off and stopped doing anything. So she told him she was done, he had to take it from there and make his best guess.

The ring had minor changes but not that big of a deal and she got what she most wanted - his involvement. The actual ring was secondary.

 

[Autumnovember]

I really loved looking at rings together and in the end I ended up getting an engagement ring that I absolutely loved and really, thats what counts.

 

[swingirl]

I have never understood the whole "surprise" engagement since many of these couples live together for years and have talked about marriage. I would think getting married (the when-where-how details) should be mutual decisions but it seems like women want to be unexpectedly swept off their feet with a perfect ring and perfect surprise.

It seems to put so much pressure on everyone. I think it actually scares away some men--way too many opportunities to blow it and live for the rest of his life with the lousy-engagement or cheap-ugly-ring guilt.

 

[AmeliaG]

I would think getting married (the when-where-how details) should be mutual decisions but it seems like women want to be unexpectedly swept off their feet with a perfect ring and perfect surprise.

I think it's rather a case that lot of women really don't care about how the ring looks. They just want a ring. I'm the only jewelry aficionado in my family; the rest of the women have all gotten their rings from Kay Jewelers and been perfectly satisfied. It's easy to for them to give up control on something they don't care about. Now buying a house is a different story. My sister-in-law wanted to design the layout of her house herself. I think my brother would have rather her get control freak-y about the ring but no dice. She was determined to design that house.

 

[centralsquare]

I have never understood the whole "surprise" engagement since many of these couples live together for years and have talked about marriage. I would think getting married (the when-where-how details) should be mutual decisions but it seems like women want to be unexpectedly swept off their feet with a perfect ring and perfect surprise.

Interesting perspective...i feel like i see many women wanting a surprise, but they also want a ring that matches their expectations. these two wants tend to contradict each other!

 

[RebeccaMUA]

In the end, we are the ones who have to wear it. If we pick it out, we can't bitch at them when we grow tired of the setting/want a bigger or better stone, etc. I wonder how many of the gals who "want the surprise" would also let their man pick out the one and only car they'll drive for the next 10-20 years, or their clothing for the next few decades.

This. I know there are alot of personality types of out there, but I for one could not possibly imagine NOT having a say on my engagement ring. Like the thought of it gives me heart flutters (and not the good kind!) and my BF knows me well enough to know this. So he did let me take charge in picking out the stone, custom setting, etc. It's actually really sweet because the moments of choosing and planning the ring together than stick out in my mind the most are the times that he's made his own input. Like when I told him I didn't want a diamond and that I preferred a sapphire. He was almost relieved that I was of that opinion. He even put in how it would be more special to us since our favorite color is blue, etc. And then the day we were looking at waxes to compile to make my custom setting just perfect, I was telling the jeweler how I wanted a specific design on the basket underneath the stone but I wasn't seeing anything like what I was envisioning, when the BF grabs a wax out of what seemed like a thousand and said "how about this? I really like it" and of course it was the EXACT design I was talking about. I didn't think the BF was really listening but he was and managed to find it! I was so happy I nearly jumped for joy, and he seemed very pleased that he found it and that it would be incorporated into the design. It's moments like that that will stay with me, not that I did most of the research, designing, etc.

Also, I guess our situation is different than most people that have been dating for 5+ years. We've been dating for 7 years ( I had just turned 20 when we went on our first date). We do not live together and will not until we get married. He's almost 9 years older than me. We do not have joint finances, although he does give me money to make things more enjoyable for myself while he helps me build up my business. So the ring buying is all his, and I am glad that he wanted me to take the lead with the ring even if I am not helping to purchase it.

I think we all know that no matter what the ring process involves, once he chooses the day, place, time, etc. to propose, the only thing that will matter at that precise moment is how much you are in love this with person, how that moment takes your breath away and how this is the just the beginning to a new chapter in your lives. And that's how it should be!