Engagement Party Guest List

[legallyspoiled]

My mother is planning on throwing an engagement party for us. Originally, she wanted us to have two receptions. One in Houston and one in D.C. I told her that would be way too expensive and immediately vetoed the idea.

She then TOLD me that she was going to throw us an engagement party instead and that it was HER party and didn't want or need my input. (Don't you just love moms?) Honestly, this can be her baby. I have my hands full anyway. I just want to show up and look pretty.

Except, I have to get a guestlist to her. Here is my dilemma. I don't know who to invite. The whole point of the party is to invite family and friends who aren't likely to attend the wedding because it is so far away. But you aren't supposed to invite someone to an engagement party that you won't invite to the wedding. There are people that I want to invite to the engagement party who probably wouldn't be on my A-list for the wedding. Some of these people, I am pretty sure won't attend the wedding anyway. But you never know! It is difficult to put into words. I have people on my engagement party guest list who will get an invitation and will come. Others on the list will come and won't be on the list. Or do I just send everyone I invite to the engagement party an invitation to the wedding and pray they don't come?

What is the best approach for this?

Oh, and do I send the engagement party invitation to people who are out of towners (i.e. don't live in the DC Metro area)?!

 

[NovemberBride]

I would not invite someone to an engagement party that I was not planning to invite to the wedding. I would find it very strange if someone did that to me. If they are close enough to come to the e-party, they should be getting a wedding invite. Even if they are out of town, I think they need to get a wedding invite and can decide for themselves if they want to come.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Date: 5/6/2010 1:51:58 PM
Author: NovemberBride
I would not invite someone to an engagement party that I was not planning to invite to the wedding. I would find it very strange if someone did that to me. If they are close enough to come to the e-party, they should be getting a wedding invite. Even if they are out of town, I think they need to get a wedding invite and can decide for themselves if they want to come.

Ditto. Unless you''re planning a super small intimate wedding, destination wedding or elopement, I wouldn''t invite anyone to the engagement party that you wouldn''t invite to the wedding.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/6/2010 2:09:39 PM
Author: Travel Goddess

Date: 5/6/2010 1:51:58 PM
Author: NovemberBride
I would not invite someone to an engagement party that I was not planning to invite to the wedding. I would find it very strange if someone did that to me. If they are close enough to come to the e-party, they should be getting a wedding invite. Even if they are out of town, I think they need to get a wedding invite and can decide for themselves if they want to come.

Ditto. Unless you''re planning a super small intimate wedding, destination wedding or elopement, I wouldn''t invite anyone to the engagement party that you wouldn''t invite to the wedding.

Thritto!

I would be very perplexed if I was invited to an engagement party, but not the actual wedding ..

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/6/2010 2:25:08 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/6/2010 2:09:39 PM
Author: Travel Goddess

Date: 5/6/2010 1:51:58 PM
Author: NovemberBride
I would not invite someone to an engagement party that I was not planning to invite to the wedding. I would find it very strange if someone did that to me. If they are close enough to come to the e-party, they should be getting a wedding invite. Even if they are out of town, I think they need to get a wedding invite and can decide for themselves if they want to come.

Ditto. Unless you''re planning a super small intimate wedding, destination wedding or elopement, I wouldn''t invite anyone to the engagement party that you wouldn''t invite to the wedding.

Thritto!

I would be very perplexed if I was invited to an engagement party, but not the actual wedding ..

Yup. I''d probably be confused. It''s like saying "Hey, I''ve got this great thing going on and we''re going to have an amazing party to celebrate, but you''re not invited. So this is the consolation party!" And that''s if it doesn''t come across as a gift-grab (which it very well could).

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 5/6/2010 3:00:25 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 5/6/2010 2:25:08 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/6/2010 2:09:39 PM
Author: Travel Goddess

Date: 5/6/2010 1:51:58 PM
Author: NovemberBride
I would not invite someone to an engagement party that I was not planning to invite to the wedding. I would find it very strange if someone did that to me. If they are close enough to come to the e-party, they should be getting a wedding invite. Even if they are out of town, I think they need to get a wedding invite and can decide for themselves if they want to come.

Ditto. Unless you''re planning a super small intimate wedding, destination wedding or elopement, I wouldn''t invite anyone to the engagement party that you wouldn''t invite to the wedding.

Thritto!

I would be very perplexed if I was invited to an engagement party, but not the actual wedding ..

Yup. I''d probably be confused. It''s like saying ''Hey, I''ve got this great thing going on and we''re going to have an amazing party to celebrate, but you''re not invited. So this is the consolation party!'' And that''s if it doesn''t come across as a gift-grab (which it very well could).

cinco?
We invited ONLY family members - At the time we did not have a bridal party, so none of our friends were invited as well.

as for the highlighted part, we did not ask for presents, and my mom (who threw the party) said "no presents".

 

[sunnyd]

Agree with everyone else. I''d think it was rude and a gift grab.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/6/2010 5:35:21 PM
Author: sunnyd
Agree with everyone else. I''d think it was rude and a gift grab.

Double ditto.

I think it would be in very poor taste to invite people to an engagement party but not the wedding.

I think it''s very wise of you to think this over, legallyspoiled, because you are SO right--you NEVER know who is going to RSVP yes to your wedding invite. If I were in your situation, I''d only invite the people I definitely plan on inviting to the wedding, and leave it at that.

Smaller affairs are always much nicer, anyway. IMO, at least.

We didn''t have an engagement party because my family doesn''t do these new parties, but our families did get together for a very impromptu celebration out at a great restaurant the night after we were engaged. There were probably only 20ish people there, it was very last minute, and it was WONDERFUL. We got to really talk to everyone, everyone there loved us very much and they were gushing so much that we literally felt enveloped with love. There is NOTHING wrong with a small affiar, if you ask me.

Enjoy your party!

 

[legallyspoiled]

Thank you all for the advice but I think you guys kinda misunderstood.

I know that anyone who I invite will also have to receive a wedding invitation. It is just weird because there are some people (won''t be invited to the wedding) who I know will say, "why didn''t you tell me about the engagement party? I totally would''ve have come because I won''t be able to attend the wedding."

This won''t be a small intimate engagement party. There will likely be over a hundred guests. If someone hears about the party, or more likely, they see the pics of Facebook...I will get an email. I think that I am just going to invite them all to both the engagement party and the wedding, and then pray they can''t come.

Also, I am only talking about a small percentage of people, maybe 10% of the guestlist.

And for the record, this will not be a gift grab. We will not be asking or anticipating any gifts.

 

[iheartscience]

I guess I''m not getting the issue, because in your first post you said that there are people you''re going to invite to the engagement party that aren''t on your "A List" wedding invite list. That sounds like you were planning on inviting people to the engagement party who wouldn''t be invited to your wedding.

If you can invite everyone to both the wedding and the engagement party, then do it. If you don''t want them at either, then don''t. I have 200+ Facebook friends (all people I know in real life) and I think probably 75% of them weren''t invited to my wedding. None of my friends who weren''t invited had a single negative thing to say.

I don''t mean this in a nasty way, but I think you''re probably overestimating how much people care about your engagement party and wedding. They''ll be fine if they don''t make the cut!

 

[legallyspoiled]

I never said that I WAS PLANNING to invite anybody to the engagement party that wouldn''t be invited to the wedding. I just said that there were people that I wanted to invite, who I knew that I probably wouldn''t be able to invite to the wedding. The issue was determining what to do with those folks. My options are:

a) don''t invite them to either
b) invite them to both

Invite them to the engagement party and not to the wedding, was never an option.


I have 700+ facebook friends that I know personally. I haven''t lived in Maryland in over six years. Whenever I go home, EVERYBODY wants to see me. In fact, I have several friends, who won''t be invited, who have already self invited themselves to the wedding. So unfortunately, I don''t think that I am overestimating. I wish that I was. Also, FF and I have very large families. We can only afford to have 200 guests at our wedding. In a perfect world, I would be able to include everyone in my generous host of friends and family but the budget isn''t going to allow that.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/7/2010 12:23:34 AM
Author: legallyspoiled
I never said that I WAS PLANNING to invite anybody to the engagement party that wouldn''t be invited to the wedding. I just said that there were people that I wanted to invite, who I knew that I probably wouldn''t be able to invite to the wedding. The issue was determining what to do with those folks. My options are:

a) don''t invite them to either
b) invite them to both

Invite them to the engagement party and not to the wedding, was never an option.

I have 700+ facebook friends that I know personally. I haven''t lived in Maryland in over six years. Whenever I go home, EVERYBODY wants to see me. In fact, I have several friends, who won''t be invited, who have already self invited themselves to the wedding. So unfortunately, I don''t think that I am overestimating. I wish that I was. Also, FF and I have very large families. We can only afford to have 200 guests at our wedding. In a perfect world, I would be able to include everyone in my generous host of friends and family but the budget isn''t going to allow that.

Ha, guess you''re just a lot more popular than me. I''m still not seeing the issue though, since inviting them to the e-party and not the wedding was never an option. You know the answer- it''s option A since you can''t afford option B. They''ll have to accept it.

My point about overestimating their interest is that you are probably worrying about this a lot more than they will. If you explain the situation, any reasonable person will understand. I mean, all 700 of your Facebook friends can''t really believe they''re super close to you and they''ll make the cut, right? And if you''re worried about your friends getting their feelings hurt, don''t post pictures of the e-party on Facebook.

 

[Haven]

I was going to respond, but then Thing wrote *exactly* what I was thinking. Great minds baby, great minds.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/7/2010 12:55:12 AM
Author: Haven
I was going to respond, but then Thing wrote *exactly* what I was thinking. Great minds baby, great minds.

 

[RaiKai]

I agree with the others - especially thing.

I would also advise that inviting everyone and praying some don''t come is a great way to find out you cannot follow those decline averages and to lose control over your wedding before the planning even begins!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Personally, I think you''re greedy and this is a ploy for gifts.

The way I see it going down, is you''ll invite them to the e-party then when they speak up and ask where their wedding invitation is (because you know, they''ll see FB posts about planning and countdowns and then the wedding pictures themselves and will wonder why they weren''t invited when they went to your engagement party) and you''ll say "oh well we figured you wouldn''t be able to attend and our numbers were tight so....we hope you understand!" *hug hug* *air kiss* and then you''ll cash their checks without another thought.

It''s tacky, don''t do it and don''t invite them to the shower either.

 

[legallyspoiled]

Date: 5/7/2010 7:56:44 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Personally, I think you''re greedy and this is a ploy for gifts.

The way I see it going down, is you''ll invite them to the e-party then when they speak up and ask where their wedding invitation is (because you know, they''ll see FB posts about planning and countdowns and then the wedding pictures themselves and will wonder why they weren''t invited when they went to your engagement party) and you''ll say ''oh well we figured you wouldn''t be able to attend and our numbers were tight so....we hope you understand!'' *hug hug* *air kiss* and then you''ll cash their checks without another thought.

It''s tacky, don''t do it and don''t invite them to the shower either.

I am extremely offended by your post. That couldn''t be the fartherest thing from the truth. If you were to ask my friends and familly, they would tell you that I am the most unselfish and GIVING person that they know. Gifts are the furtherest thing from my mind. I wouldn''t mind if I did not receive any gifts during the entirement engagement. I''ve already started to conjure up bridal shower ideas that don''t involve gift giving. And I won''t be offended if people attend the wedding and don''t give a gift. I don''t even see where you would get that idea.

And how you see it going down, I have already clearly stated IS NOT an option. Either they get invited to both, or they don''t get invited to anything.

Tacky?! Psht.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

That''s your prerogative. Just like developing an opinion based on this post and other posts and voicing it is my prerogative.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 5/7/2010 7:49:36 AM
Author: RaiKai
I agree with the others - especially thing.

I would also advise that inviting everyone and praying some don''t come is a great way to find out you cannot follow those decline averages and to lose control over your wedding before the planning even begins!

I agree RaiKai - We did the same thing (bad jcar!) and wound up 40 people over on an already tight budget.

I think the biggest thing i learned (and wished i learned early on) is that no, you really *dont* have to invited everyone (from work, from FB, etc). I invited a lot of work friends that I wish i did not, all to "save face". And still, i got a couple of those "oh, why wasn''t i invited?". It''s hard to deal with becuase we do want to share the day with everyone.


I would just stick with your original invite list for your engagement party, send those invites out early, and then deal with the ones that put up a stink about not getting invited later. Again, going back to my engagement party, it really was more of a show for my mom, and none of my friends complained that they didnt get invited (including our bridal party).

Just wanted to clarify one thing - your mom is throwing the party, right? I think (and i could be wrong!) that most people know not to bring gifts to engagement parties. If they do, it is usually something very simple (like a bottle of wine), as most couples have not started a registry, and it is right after engagement. But then again, I could be wrong!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

My comment about gift grabbing was actually not related to the engagement party, but more the wedding. If people are invited to the engagement party they're going to assume they're invited to the wedding. Then they'll feel obligated to send a gift for the wedding (and possibly even the shower if they find out when it is) regardless of whether they're invited or not. That's the reason why you don't invite a person to one event and not another. It's all or nothing.

 

[zipzapgirl]

WHOA! I think this thread is starting to spin out of control, so I''m going to go back on topic.

The other posters above gave you the right advice. You can''t invite people to the engagement party who will not receive an an invitation to the wedding. Your Mom''s decision has effectively meant that you''ll ned to decide on the guest list now, not closer to the wedding.

Now, you can either

1) Invite only people you are sure you will invite to the wedding and are sure you can accomodate. This is the safer option.

2) invite everyone you can think of and pray that they do not come to the wedding because you neither really want them all there nor can you afford to have them there. This option might result in making your mother happier because she won''t need to worry about turning anyone down, you will get more gifts (let''s be honest here), and you may get all of these benefits without any consequences, since the probability that these people will come to the wedding is low, BUT you will have heartburn when you see how many people still might come and you might end up paying for an additional 25? 50? people you didn''t expect at the wedding because--hey, who knew they have family in Austin and always wanted to drive over and see the Grand Canyon??!!

If you choose the second option you are setting yourself up for stress, potential unforseen costs, and yes, allegations that this was all a gift grab. That''s not what I''m saying--I''m just pointing out what someone else said and if it was said on here, it could very well be said behind your back.

My advice is just to manage people''s expectations upfront, keep it small and manageable, and save yourself the stress of things spinning out of control.

 

[legallyspoiled]

Date: 5/7/2010 9:21:18 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
That's your prerogative. Just like developing an opinion based on this post and other posts and voicing it is my prerogative.

Except, you didn't voice an opinion about the post. You voiced an opinion and passed judgment on ME.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I voiced an opinion on my suspicions of the motivation behind your post and situation.

 

[legallyspoiled]

Date: 5/7/2010 9:46:02 AM
Author: zipzapgirl
WHOA! I think this thread is starting to spin out of control, so I''m going to go back on topic.


The other posters above gave you the right advice. You can''t invite people to the engagement party who will not receive an an invitation to the wedding. Your Mom''s decision has effectively meant that you''ll ned to decide on the guest list now, not closer to the wedding.


Now, you can either


1) Invite only people you are sure you will invite to the wedding and are sure you can accomodate. This is the safer option.


2) invite everyone you can think of and pray that they do not come to the wedding because you neither really want them all there nor can you afford to have them there. This option might result in making your mother happier because she won''t need to worry about turning anyone down, you will get more gifts (let''s be honest here), and you may get all of these benefits without any consequences, since the probability that these people will come to the wedding is low, BUT you will have heartburn when you see how many people still might come and you might end up paying for an additional 25? 50? people you didn''t expect at the wedding because--hey, who knew they have family in Austin and always wanted to drive over and see the Grand Canyon??!!


If you choose the second option you are setting yourself up for stress, potential unforseen costs, and yes, allegations that this was all a gift grab. That''s not what I''m saying--I''m just pointing out what someone else said and if it was said on here, it could very well be said behind your back.


My advice is just to manage people''s expectations upfront, keep it small and manageable, and save yourself the stress of things spinning out of control.

Thanks for you advice and returning this post to the original topic. Whether to invite them to both or just not at all. I''ve decided to just not invite them at all. I''ll just have to deal with the backlash when it comes along.

 

[legallyspoiled]

Date: 5/7/2010 10:10:09 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I voiced an opinion on my suspicions of the motivation behind your post and situation.

You called me tacky and greedy with no grounds but whatever.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 5/7/2010 10:10:28 AM
Author: legallyspoiled


Thanks for you advice and returning this post to the original topic. Whether to invite them to both or just not at all. I''ve decided to just not invite them at all. I''ll just have to deal with the backlash when it comes along.

I have a feeling most of your friends will understand.

 

[legallyspoiled]

Date: 5/7/2010 10:13:16 AM
Author: jcarlylew

Date: 5/7/2010 10:10:28 AM

Author: legallyspoiled



Thanks for you advice and returning this post to the original topic. Whether to invite them to both or just not at all. I''ve decided to just not invite them at all. I''ll just have to deal with the backlash when it comes along.

I have a feeling most of your friends will understand.

Thanks so much! I hope they do too.

 

[winelover23]

Date: 5/7/2010 9:43:58 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
My comment about gift grabbing was actually not related to the engagement party, but more the wedding. If people are invited to the engagement party they''re going to assume they''re invited to the wedding. Then they''ll feel obligated to send a gift for the wedding (and possibly even the shower if they find out when it is) regardless of whether they''re invited or not. That''s the reason why you don''t invite a person to one event and not another. It''s all or nothing.

THIS!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I never had an E party so i can''t speak from personal experience, only what i have read about in Australian bridal mags.
Lots of people tend to have big engagement parties and invite everyone, then at the party they announce that the wedding will be a fairly small event, to let everyone know in advance kind of thing.

This would probably be seen as absolutely tacky to the US girls on this board but i can see the practical side of it and i would just put it down to another thing that some Aussies do differently.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 5/7/2010 9:39:37 PM
Author: hawaiianorangetree
I never had an E party so i can''t speak from personal experience, only what i have read about in Australian bridal mags.
Lots of people tend to have big engagement parties and invite everyone, then at the party they announce that the wedding will be a fairly small event, to let everyone know in advance kind of thing.

This would probably be seen as absolutely tacky to the US girls on this board but i can see the practical side of it and i would just put it down to another thing that some Aussies do differently.

I have heard of this too; also where the wedding ceremony everyone is invited to, but only family to the reception.