engagement first or moving in together first?

[HappyNewLife]

In your opinion, is it backwards to get engaged before moving in together?

I''m an "older" woman (almost mid-thirty, HA!) and have been married before and have two kids, so this Q has nothing to do with waiting to "you know" before marriage I''m just wondering if my SO will think "what the heck?" when I ask her to marry me next month when we haven''t even made the moving in together step yet.

And those who live together--- Q--- how do you combine 2 households? What do you do with all the "stuff"? I mean seriously, I have an entire household of furniture, TVs, kitchen stuff and so does she. And her house is smaller than mine yet we''d live there! The idea is so overwhelming to me!

 

[Indylady]

Definitely not backwards in my opinion!

I''d like to be married before moving in with my SO. I don''t think its backwards at all, but actually a pretty natural progression.

Engagement is a big step, as is moving in...either one of those "talks" is definitely a big deal, and one has to come first, so I wouldn''t worry which one comes before the other if it doesn''t make a difference to you or your so. What a better way to ask someone to live with you than with a sparkly ring?

 

[UnluckyTwin]

I don''t think it''s "backwards" to get engaged before moving in. In fact, I think that''s how it mostly used to be before cohabiting became so popular. My partner and I live together but we are not yet engaged; my best friend is engaged and will not live with her finace until she marries him. So people do it all kinds of ways. I''m curious though-- have you talked with your partner about what she thinks is the best way to go? If I remember correctly, y''all have talked about living together and agreed that it would be at her place-- did she say in that conversation whether she thought she should be engaged or married first? Cause ultimately, it doesn''t matter what we think, it matters what she thinks. I highly suggest a conversation about "darling, how do you think things should be done?" before you ask her to marry you if you haven''t already. My partner asked me to live together before I was ready, but it wasn''t because we weren''t engaged or married or something-- it didn''t take me long to get talked into moving in though, and I''m glad we did. Still, I was surprised and if I wasn''t careful I could have ended up hurting his feelings. So, you should be sure she knows what''s coming before you put yourself out there. Good luck!

 

[beezygal]

I think it just depends on what''s right for your and your SO. For me, I don''t want to live together until we''re actually married.

 

[SAPHIRINA]

I think each situation is different. I had a very bad experience moving in with my ex without being engaged. I decided for myself that I will never go through that again, which I made very clear to my FI when we just started dating. I wanted to get engaged and set a date before planning to move in together. As it stands right now, we will start living together about two months before our wedding. It will give us plenty of time to settle in together in a new place before we leave for our destination wedding.

 

[bee*]

We got engaged before moving in together. As for dealing with all the stuff, we still have boxes in our spare room after moving in to this house over two years ago!

 

[Porridge]

I don''t think it''s backwards at all. More traditional if anything, even if it may not be the norm in a lot of places these days. As for stuff...well stuff is just stuff, keep what you want and sell/donate the rest! Have you guys talked about living together? Is her place big enough for you and your kids? How does she feel about it? UnluckyTwin makes a good point - emotions run high around these things and someone may unintentionally get hurt, so it''s important to be on the same page.

 

[MayFlowers]

I don''t think it''s backwards at all! I think it''s actually much more traditional that way. I want my BF and I to be engaged before I move in with him. My sister didn''t move in with her DH until she was married. They got an apartment about a month before the wedding, but she didn''t stay there until after they were officially married.

 

[damons]

I don''t think it''s backwards either. My partner and I moved in together because we wanted to make sure that we could live each other before making the commitment to marry each other. By your definition, I guess we area also a little "older". I am 31 and she is 33. We have both lived with others in the past, and it didn''t work out. We wanted to make sure that we were not going to make the same mistakes. But we also never really thought about getting married because gay marriage is not legal where we live. It was only in the last year or so that we talked about having a commitment ceremony. We want to make that commitment to each other, even if it isn''t legally recognized.

But I agree with everyone else...it doens''t matter what we think. It matters what your partner thinks. I think it is important to make sure you are on the same page. Is there a way that you can bring it up without ruining the surprise?

As far as combining two households, I am not really sure how a lot of people do it. We live in middle of a large city. The apartments are small, so neither one of us had a lot of stuff. Also, I had 2 cats that she was allergic to, so I was forced to get rid of all of my furniture. It made things much easier.

 

[AnneTossy]

For me, living together first was the only way. I moved in with him about 2 years ago (so about a year and a half into the relationship), so I could pay off my credit card debt and to see if we could live together without ripping each others heads off

We bought a new house together about 6 months ago and we still aren''t engaged. But not because we don''t want to be, we decided before buying a house that we would get married, we just haven''t gotten our tax refund yet which would pay for the ring.

I think to each their own, when it comes to if its backwards or not. Everyone is different and if you know, you just know. And she''ll know too! I doubt she''ll be thinking about that when she sees the ring you designed her!

In regards to the combining two peoples stuff it worked out pretty well, most of my stuff stayed because it was nicer and newer (he''s quite a bit older and had BLANKETS hanging over the windows as curtains for gods sake) and his duplicates were either given away or sold. Now we have a house thats perfectly blended of his stuff, my stuff, and our new stuff that was purchased together. Also, my mom has plenty of storage at her house so she has some duplicates at her house incase we move to a bigger home in a couple of years and could use it. Do either of you have someone who might be able to help store things for a bit?

 

[RaiKai]

It all depends what works for you as a couple, and as individuals.

For me, it is important that I live with someone before I get married. And as for me, I only would be engaged if I was READY for marriage...living together before engagement has always been important to me. It is really important that - however much we love one another and however committed we are - we take the time to explore whether we can actually live together. And by this I don't simply mean to learn whether we have compatible views about putting the cap on the toothpaste. It is a lot more to it that that!

I don't have much of a romantic fantasy of marriage so want to be sure that we really are compatible when it comes to living together - which in my experience is never really evident by spending lots of time with one another and still having your own place. That is just me and there are various reasons for that including personal experiences in my life and in lives of those around me, my own views about marriage and so on. I will not get to into it as every situation is different, every couple is different, and every person is different!

I have grown up with a rather liberal view towards living together outside of marriage (my mum and stepfather lived together 24 years before getting married a couple months ago), and so on too that lends to my views.

Both DH (35) and I (30) have lived many years on our own and with other partners (we have each had one previous long term common law relationship). We moved in about 5 months before we got engaged. While we had discussed marriage, we did not move in with the intention that it was to test things before we got engaged or anything of the like. It was to live together purely for the interest of living together which fit for us at the time. It was just a choice for us that fit for us. However, I can say that if we had NOT lived together, we likely would not have been ready to get married either!

So while it would not work for me to be not live together first..I am not you!

Combining homes was easy enough - we also moved provinces - just have to go through what you both have and see what you can live without (and donate it or sell it or gift it or store it). We both had separate households and many years on our own so there was a lot of things to go through, but we managed, even though we moved to a much smaller place.

 

[RaiKai]

I came back to add, I also agree that you really need to talk to your SO about this and be clear what her views are. She may be quite happy getting engaged first and moving in...but maybe not!

 

[ediana]

I'm another live-together-first advocate...for my guy and I, it was imperative that we saw how we work together with the day-to-day sludge of life before making the big commitment. Is your significant other a burden or a partner when you're in the midst of the nitty-gritty of sharing a life?

Then again, one of my dearest friends knew she'd marry her husband within a few weeks of meeting him. Their first kiss was on their wedding day and they definitely didn't live together first! They married the following summer and are very happy together years later. So everyone's different...

 

[LadyJane83]

You have to do what is right for you and your partner. I don''t think it''s backwards.

I used to think differently... but now I''m with the people that wouldn''t get engaged without living together first. It''s too important. It goes beyond a person''s messy habits or idiosyncracies. I think it is crucial to learn how you deal with and interact on a day to day basis. When you live together as partners, you share your life. When you are married, you share your life. So if you can give it a test run, why not do it? (unless your personal or religious values go against it).

 

[princesss]

If you don''t know what your SO will think, I''d say the first thing you should do is talk to her. Get her feelings on this.

Personally, I didn''t want to move in together before we were engaged...and then one day that just changed. We moved in together 6 months ago and it''s been wonderful. I wouldn''t want to do it any other way.

 

[dawnabee]

Do what works well for you! Since you both have your own places anyway I dont see why you should move in together first. She will definately be surprised by the engagement and then you could move in and deal with packing etc.

My SO and I have decided we want to take one step at a time by getting engaged then start looking for a place to live together and then marriage. I thinks its most plausable to us to transition and budget money wise

GL to you and your gal

 

[HappyNewLife]

thanks everyone. I''m definitely ready to live with her. In all my past relationships I moved in with the guy in like a month. I wanted to take things slow with her because, well, she''s special and I really wanted to get to know her. Anyway, I''m ready, but there are things that are holding me back. My daughter starts kindergarten this fall and her school is right by my house. My GF''s house is 16 miles away, so I can''t move in with her and then drive 2 hours a day to pick up my daughters from school/daycare. And I can''t have her start school and then immediately move her to a new school (her father would go batshit crazy and I don''t need that drama either). So I''d really like to move forward on our relationship and get engaged, and then take a year-ish to get the house selling process and school moving process started.

 

[stepcutgirl]

I don''t think it''s backwards at all. I moved in first but I''d have happily done it either way. The STUFF issue was a whole other issue though! I had just BOUGHT MY OWN HOME at 25 a mere month before meeting bf. 6 months later I was paying a hefty mortgage on a house i never slept in. I rented it out (am still renting it out) and moved all my stuff in to bf''s. That was 5 years ago. There was so much stuff and it was everywhere. There were so many things I thought I couldn''t part with, so most of what we didn''t use sat in the garage and once a year we go through and donate to charity. All but 2 or 3 boxes of stuff are now donated or we use it. It took me a long time to realize I didn''t need a lot of it and to let it go.

 

[Callisto]

Date: 5/12/2010 11:28:32 AM
Author: HappyNewLife
thanks everyone. I''m definitely ready to live with her. In all my past relationships I moved in with the guy in like a month. I wanted to take things slow with her because, well, she''s special and I really wanted to get to know her. Anyway, I''m ready, but there are things that are holding me back. My daughter starts kindergarten this fall and her school is right by my house. My GF''s house is 16 miles away, so I can''t move in with her and then drive 2 hours a day to pick up my daughters from school/daycare. And I can''t have her start school and then immediately move her to a new school (her father would go batshit crazy and I don''t need that drama either). So I''d really like to move forward on our relationship and get engaged, and then take a year-ish to get the house selling process and school moving process started.

I think that makes total sense. I''m a very logical and rational person so our moving in together was mainly just because it was the most logical answer, not related to anything about our relationship. I was moving across the country to be with him and I didn''t know a whole lot of people where I was going and I don''t like living alone. Soooo it seemed silly to move so far to be with him and then live somewhere else, plus it was cheaper. I also knew I''d never be at my own place if I got one, or he''d never be at his.

I think it''s nice when people get engaged before they move in together. I know my parents would have preferred it for me, haha. Would it make more sense to move before the fall though and start your daughter off at the school she''ll be attending in a year so she can begin making friends and such? Obviously you''d have to talk with your girlfriend about all this but couldn''t she start at the new school?

 

[HappyNewLife]

I would love that, but my ex will go ape if I move my daughter''s school now after we just enrolled her. He doesn''t like my GF, so that makes things more difficult. We have shared custody, so I''m trying to keep things as drama-free as possible.

 

[Callisto]

He really thinks that is better than letting her start at a school and then move her a year later after she''s made friends and such? That doesn''t seem like a better deal IMO. That sucks that he would throw a fit about it. Good luck with the moving decisions.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I think i general the order does not matter at all, its up to each couple. But the exception to that in my opinion is when kids are involved. You are I are about the same age, and I am a mom too, and I think in your shoes I would take it really slow. And listen, I am not being judgy here, I totally get the complications involved following divorce and managing kids and new relationships, but if I were in your shoes I would not move in with my SO until we were married. And then when I did move in together, I would do what it took to keep everything the same for my kids -- so I would have SO move in with me and the kids rather than moving them away from what they know to be with my SO. I say this simply because I think that kids need the stability. I am sure you have thought of all this, and your kids are young so it is not as big a deal, but I was about your daughter''s age around the time my parents split up and I know I appreciated that my mom did not move me around too much and made choices to keep us living in the same place. And I also appreciated that she never moved any of her SOs in with us (or vice versa). The process of moving in together and getting married will be a challenge for your kids, no matter their age, and the slower that goes the better. So if I were in your shoes I would get engaged, stay living apart, plan the wedding (or other commitment ceremony if you live in a backwards state

), and then move in together once it was all solidified and finalized. This is not to hedge any bets about your relationship, but rather to give it time for everyone to adjust to the changes, including you, your kids, your ex, and your SO.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/13/2010 4:45:05 PM
Author: dreamer_d
I think i general the order does not matter at all, its up to each couple. But the exception to that in my opinion is when kids are involved. You are I are about the same age, and I am a mom too, and I think in your shoes I would take it really slow. And listen, I am not being judgy here, I totally get the complications involved following divorce and managing kids and new relationships, but if I were in your shoes I would not move in with my SO until we were married. And then when I did move in together, I would do what it took to keep everything the same for my kids -- so I would have SO move in with me and the kids rather than moving them away from what they know to be with my SO. I say this simply because I think that kids need the stability. I am sure you have thought of all this, and your kids are young so it is not as big a deal, but I was about your daughter''s age around the time my parents split up and I know I appreciated that my mom did not move me around too much and made choices to keep us living in the same place. And I also appreciated that she never moved any of her SOs in with us (or vice versa). The process of moving in together and getting married will be a challenge for your kids, no matter their age, and the slower that goes the better. So if I were in your shoes I would get engaged, stay living apart, plan the wedding (or other commitment ceremony if you live in a backwards state

), and then move in together once it was all solidified and finalized. This is not to hedge any bets about your relationship, but rather to give it time for everyone to adjust to the changes, including you, your kids, your ex, and your SO.

I think this is perfect advice for your specific situation, HappyNewLife

 

[HappyNewLife]

Dreamer-- this too is 100% exactly how I feel too. I''m glad others see it that way and don''t think I''m making a mistake by moving slowly in terms of cohabitating. Thanks so much for your input!

 

[merilenda]

I agree! I think that the order really depends on the particular relationship. For me, at this point in my life, living together before marriage is something that I absolutely want/need. However, I''m 26, I''ve never been married, and I have no kids (except cats!). And what works for me, may not work at all for you. I can absolutely see how this would change if I were in your shoes. I think you should do whatever you and your SO feel comfortable with (and what''s best for your kids, of course). Since it sounds like getting married and then consolidating households is the right order for you, then that''s what you should do! Good luck!