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Emotionally abusive husband??

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Date: 9/16/2008 7:04:21 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Bling

I read your responses and my heart aches for you. I feel like its a friend talking to me and while I would love to give advice that makes the situation better all I really feel like saying is get out now. I normally don''t advise that to someone I don''t know but if you were a friend of mine or a family member and you told me everything you have written here I would grab you by the hand, pack your things for you, fix a bed in my home, and have you stay with me. You can''t keep hoping for the good days and dreading the bad days.

I really do hope you can resolve everything.
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excellent point!

Bling you''re on my mind. Please check in when you can.



To all the other PS ladies who endured abusive relationships:
Thanks for sharing. Your courage and strength is an inspiration.
 
Bling
Do keep checking in. I agree that you can''t keep waiting for good "cycles". They aren''t worth waiting for. He will get worse over time, he''ll push you to gain more control. It''s horrible to have to love someone like this, only to have to go through the heart break of leaving. My heart goes out to you.
 
I was so sad to hear your story. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, but one person alone cannot save a marriage. What he''s doing to you is wrong, wrong, wrong. While I do believe in marriage and that people should do everything they can to make it work, one person can''t do it alone. If he''s not willing to get therapy for his issues, there is nothing else you can do for him. Being a loving wife is obviously not enough, and his issues are not your responsibility. Just because you married someone doesn''t mean you should stay in this environment. Physical or not, he is being abusive and for your own well-being you need to get out of there. I wish you ALL the strength in the world should you choose to do this. The fact is you have not yet started a family, and if you do it will be that much harder to leave. Your children may also very likely be given this same treatment. Even if they are not, is he going to torture you forever by giving them (and your dog) love and denying it to you? I know this is so much easier for all of us who have not been in this postion to say and I really feel for you. But there are so many people out there. You can find someone to tell you how beautiful and sexy you are, who will not deny you sex or more importantly LOVE, and who will work WITH, not against you in a relationship. These are the things you deserve and you should have them, even if it means going through some really tough times first. A million times good luck, and please keep us posted!
 
I''m just checking the thread, blingalicious, hoping to hear from you and glad to read all the contributions to the thread since I last checked in. I was glad to read the last entry you wrote to the thread. It sounds as if you are moving to get a therapist involved as soon as possible and also as if you feel engaged in a dialogue with us (which means less isolation). Please hang in there and keep talking to us! A lot of us care!

Hugs
Deb
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Date: 9/17/2008 1:15:19 PM
Author: AGBF




I''m just checking the thread, blingalicious, hoping to hear from you and glad to read all the contributions to the thread since I last checked in. I was glad to read the last entry you wrote to the thread. It sounds as if you are moving to get a therapist involved as soon as possible and also as if you feel engaged in a dialogue with us (which means less isolation). Please hang in there and keep talking to us! A lot of us care!

Hugs
Deb
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Amen, Deb! Bling, please keep posting . . . we''re worried about you!
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Date: 9/15/2008 6:20:54 PM
Author: blingalicious
I am so thankful for all your posts. I really need perspective on this. You brought up a good point purrfect pear--and that is something I have wondered. The only reason I haven''t pursued this as his reason is that everyone in the public eye around us always says how much he loves me--weird huh. He must talk to other people as if I am great and wonderful and he is the perfect husband. Makes me think he is trying to make me look crazy if I complain. Its so hard, because he can be so good sometimes, and when its good, its good. But when its bad, its horrible.
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Blingalicious: I could have written that post up until 3 months ago. Reading your story is like reading about my own life. The only difference is that my husband became physically abusive (if you''ve been reading, you have probably read that emotional or verbal abuse often leads to physical abuse) after the initial red flags when he was "just" emotionally and verbally abusive and played min games like what I highlighted on your post. I left him and moved away this summer, and I am now much happier, less tense, no panic attacks (I used to have them while riding with him in the car, only when he was driving), and on the road to recovering my emotional well-being. I just wanted to tell you that I have been in your shoes. I wish you the best, I hope he gets counseling and you are able to heal yourselves and your marriage. If not, you will face some scary times, but you can get through them and come out ok and probably better off. Take care.
 
I am so glad to see you post monarch, because yes, I thought of you when I wrote my post. Bless you, I am so proud of you. I have been following your story as well, and to be honest, you really motivate me to make this change. I am so thankful for all of you--I kind of feel like I have a cyber-army surrounding me and protecting me. I cannot wait until a week from today for the therapist appointment. I just feel like that will be the day that changes everything--kind of like its the first day of the rest of my life. I know I have so much work to do, and part of me hopes that my husband will get the help he needs and we can try to rebuild this relationship. But, the other half of me just wants to sever the ties and move on. I am sure these feelings are natural, and I am sure I will be all over the place emotionally as I navigate this. But, I am taking care of myself. I am trying to eat more regularly, even if I don''t feel like it. I still go for my morning walks, and I am making sure I fix myself up every day--it would be easy to crawl into sweats and hide, but I am not allowing myself to do that. I am a strong girl, and I know I can make it out of this.

HollyS--girlfriend, your post was spot on 100% about my husband. I think, no wait, I KNOW he has serious abandonment issues. His past is so horrid that noone would believe some of the crap he has been through. He keeps his friends in his positive loop, and saves the emotional drama for me behind closed doors. I really think that is why he is afraid of therapy--because he has managed to ignore those old wounds for so long and he doesn''t want to rip open that scab, so to speak. Unfortunately, for him to be a mentally healthy person, he is going to have to rip that scab off to re-heal. He doesn''t talk about the past at all--I ask some questions once in a while, but I get really brief answers. He has taken all that pain and shoved it into a big brick box that just oozes negativity and pain. It is hard, because I really love him very deeply. I see what a great man he could be, but as all of us agree, he has to make that step and meet me halfway. I can''t say I am real optimistic about him doing that.

Okay, off to work. I am on nights this week. I promise to check in later tonight or sometime tomorrow. I can feel the support of all of you making me stronger every day.
 
Bling- Reading your posts and having been through a verbal, emotional and abusive relationship myself, please leave. You don''t need to wait until next week to get permission from your therapist or have her validate your feelings on leaving. Just go. Tomorrow morning you will wake up and his personalty may have snapped to the silent treatment again. It''s not worth it to walk on egg shells with your life, your marriage.

(((((((hugs))))))))))
 
I''m glad you''re continuing to check in. My heart goes out to ALL of you ladies who went through, or are going through something like this. This is something I''ve never dealt with, and while I am SOOOOO thankful for that, I just CAN''T BELIEVE how many people have to suffer it. I am glad, however, that we live in a time where we CAN get up and walk away to live our own lives. That''s empowering and I really admire everyone who has had the guts to do it, including you, bling! Keep taking care of yourself and making yourself up everyday. You are a strong girl for even getting to this point and you will make it through!
 
We are all sending you strength and rooting for you. You can do it. You can get through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Mrs.2Artists
 
I am a little late, but I did read through all the posts. You have been given great advice. I''ll have to say that it is unnerving to read all the posts of people who have been in abusive relationships.

I just wanted to say that I will pray for your safety. I do not take marriage lightly, but I am afraid, as others have pointed out, that you will have to leave in order for there to even be a chance that he will seek therapy. I also think you need to confide in a family member or close friend in your real life so that you''ll have some support when you decide to leave. A couple of people need to know the truth now because there is no telling what lies he will make up after you leave.
 
Sending prayers and hugs to you. You sound strong, stay strong. Thanks for checking in with us, we are all thinking of you!!!!
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Just wanted to check in with the thread... Glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist sooner than October. Please keep us posted, you are in my thoughts!!
 
I too am a semi-regular poster but I wanted to post this anonymously as well. I'm going to tell you some of my personal experience with someone who behaved a lot like your husband: my father. Hopefully it will be of some help to you.

Abusers, even the "merely" emotional variety, generally escalate. Emotional abusers can become physical abusers. My father was a master at emotional abuse. He had pretty thoroughly destroyed my self esteem by the age of 14. He didn't physically abuse me or my mom though- initially.

Then one day he flipped. I couldn't find some random place I was meeting a friend at and he completely lost it and tried to strangle me. He had his hands locked around my throat and, after an unpleasant little scene, only let go when I kicked him. I took off in a full on panic and later told my mom what had happened, sure she wouldn't believe me. Guess what? She did. Why? Well, because he'd done it to her, of course.

Don't let your husband get to that level. Don't have kids to try to fix the relationship. (If I were you, I'd be using two forms of BC at this point!) Perhaps someday he'll heal enough to be able to have a non-abusive relationship but the level of damage he has sounds pretty intense and not likely to just fix itself because you hope it will.

There is a happy ending for me and my mom at least. It took my mom over two decades to leave my dad but she finally did in my junior year of highschool. It was terribly hard for her, and the next year was hellish, but she had friends who helped her through it. She is now happily married to the sweetest man, both of us adore him, and I think she deserves every minute of the happiness she's earned. I so wish the same for you, but sooner! (And my husband of 12 years is nothing like my dad, thank god, he's also a wonderful and non-abusive person.)

Sure, your husband has some reasons for his vile behaviour. My dad did too- he had serious mental illness, wouldn't take his meds, and had a terrible relationship with his parents. For years my mom excused his terrible temper tantrums and nonstop criticism of both of us that way. In the end it didn't matter really, why he was the way he was. He did go to therapy a little, but it never really did any good that I could see.

(I have spoken to him twice in the last 15 years, and seen him once- he showed up at my work unexpectedly to meet my husband after we'd been married a few years, and his first words when introduced to a co worker were "You can see where my daughter gets her huge, unattractive nose from." Abusers rarely change. And, dang it, I do have a small bump on the bridge of my nose but it's far from enormous or hideous!)

Frankly, I worry for your physical safety after reading your heartwrenching post and I am personally thinking you need to leave, like ASAP. I might be prone to over react to this sort of situation but so many red flags are in your post it's scary. Please please be safe. I really empathize with your position and I so hope it isn't as terrible as it seemed to me reading it.
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Sorry for rambling!
 
Poppy and SanDiego Lady you are amazing!

Blingalicous hang in there and keep us posted. We are def. thinking about you and wish you the best.
 
I''ve been keeping up with this thread, but I haven''t posted because I don''t know what to say. I am SOO sorry you''re going through this, it''s just awful. I have seen women (namely my mother) deal with abuse for years so I understand how it makes you feel. Personally, I believe that you do (almost) whatever it takes to make a marriage work. But, there comes a breaking point and only you can decide where that point lies.

My heart goes out to you and I truly hope you don''t get in "trouble" for writing about it.

Giant Hugs to YOU!!
 
So sorry you''re going through this! And I hope the first therapist you meet with is a good match for you ... but wanted to say that if, for some reasons he/she ISN''T a good match -- don''t get discouraged. KEEP LOOKING! Seriously. I met with a few different therapists when I was looking for help with work/life issues about 15 yrs ago.

I wish I had more good advice but ... so many other amazing Pscopers seem to have it covered! I''d definitely trust folks who''ve "been there, felt that".

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!! Keep us posted!
 
Date: 9/20/2008 6:31:25 PM
Author: decodelighted
So sorry you''re going through this! And I hope the first therapist you meet with is a good match for you ... but wanted to say that if, for some reasons he/she ISN''T a good match -- don''t get discouraged. KEEP LOOKING! Seriously. I met with a few different therapists when I was looking for help with work/life issues about 15 yrs ago.

I wish I had more good advice but ... so many other amazing Pscopers seem to have it covered! I''d definitely trust folks who''ve ''been there, felt that''.

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!! Keep us posted!
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This is excellent advice! All therapists are not created equal, that''s for sure. In fact, you do not need any particular professional designation to call yourself a therapist or a counsellor, which I believe can lead to problems for many individuals who meet with someone with no training at all. I would recommend finding someone who calls themselves a psychologist, since that designation requires years of training and certification by the state/province. Of course, many people who are counsellors are great and some psychologists will not so hot, so either way you need to do your own research into their background and go with your gut when you actually meet them.
 
You are in my thoughts and prayers. No doubt your husband has his own emotional baggage, but that does not give him an excuse to take it out on you. He can control himself with others, but cannot exercise the same behavior in the privacy of your home. I am a counselor and I do recommend that you speak to a therapist who is familiar with spousal abuse. I do not recommend marriage counseling. This is not about a marital problem, it is about your husband''s actions towards you and what you need to do to protect yourself. Women often lose their sense of self in these situations and need guidance to find their way back. I was also the victim of domestic violence in my first marriage. It took me a long time to leave and it was dangerous for me to take that course of action because of the escalation of abuse. I am now remarried to a wonderful man who never does, says, or threatens my personal integrity. It is possible to move on. I wish you well.
 

Date: 9/21/2008 10:28:35 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

I would recommend finding someone who calls themselves a psychologist, since that designation requires years of training and certification by the state/province.
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A licensed clinical psychologist; a board certified psychiatrist; or a licensed clinical social worker are all generally qualified to provide mental health counseling although, as you pointed out, certain individuals will never be qualified to do anything no matter what their "book learning" is. That is where one must trust his instincts. But first he should choose someone qualified. People in all the professions I named are considered capable of psychotherapy and are generally able to accept insurance reimbursement (depending on one''s plan) and Medicare.


Deborah
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Bling, my heart goes out to you and you have lots of love and support here! Please keep us posted on how you are doing! Continue to take care of YOURSELF....no matter what!

Gosh, there is so much raw emotion here. I, too, was married to an emotionally void ex and spent 10 1/2 years with him and was miserable the WHOLE time. I knew at the wedding rehersal that I didn''t want to marry him, but was afraid to back out at the last minute. He had a lot of issues with his family and was used to being "cold" with them and that spilled over to me. I confused the physical part, I was young, with love and thought it would get better with time. It didn''t. He referred to everything as "his," not "ours," and was obsessed with money and possessions. He wouldn''t touch me unless it meant going all of the way....no hugs, holding hands, NOTHING. I''m very touchy feely and he would have none of it. Every time I would ask for a hug he would pull away unless I would go to bed with him. Anyway, my situation isn''t like some of your situations, but it made me sick, VERY SICK. He would gripe about money every single day of my life and he would complain about every penny that came and went. I finally couldn''t take it anymore after I became mentally ill....suicidal....and he couldn''t care less after I told him that I didn''t want to live anymore. Therapy, and my Mom, helped me to see that this was a no-win situation because he was only getting worse and didn''t think there were any problems. I tried to adjust to the lack of emotion between us and the constant nagging on his part, but finally couldn''t handle it anymore and almost had a nervous breakdown. We separated and I filed for divorce in 1997. He went along with it and agreed to pay for half of the lawyer fees.....he still owes me money for his part.....

He remarried a year and half later and I ran into him at the mall shortly after that. He apologized for "all of the mistakes HE made in our marriage and now realizes where HE went wrong." His new wife is the dominate one in their marriage and he kept looking around to see if she was coming because she would be very upset to see us together.....that''s the key....I wasn''t the dominate one!

Looking back, I was caught up in the excitement of the wedding plans and didn''t see who I was really marrying the first time. Now, I''m very happily married and will never look back again.

Thank you for letting me get this out of my system!

Lori
 
Date: 9/21/2008 2:53:54 PM
Author: AGBF








Date: 9/21/2008 10:28:35 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

I would recommend finding someone who calls themselves a psychologist, since that designation requires years of training and certification by the state/province.
Click to expand...



A licensed clinical psychologist; a board certified psychiatrist; or a licensed clinical social worker are all generally qualified to provide mental health counseling although, as you pointed out, certain individuals will never be qualified to do anything no matter what their ''book learning'' is. That is where one must trust his instincts. But first he should choose someone qualified. People in all the professions I named are considered capable of psychotherapy and are generally able to accept insurance reimbursement (depending on one''s plan) and Medicare.


Deborah
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I would like to add to Deborah''s excellent post. Licensed Professional Counselors are also qualified to practice independently and take third party reimbursement and Medicare. You would need to ask if the invidual counselor has experience in working with domestic abuse. Most psychiatrists focus on meds management these days, although a few still engage in therapy. Our docs do not do therapy and refer to us to do so.
 
Date: 9/22/2008 6:04:30 AM
Author: loriken214
Bling, my heart goes out to you and you have lots of love and support here! Please keep us posted on how you are doing! Continue to take care of YOURSELF....no matter what!

Gosh, there is so much raw emotion here. I, too, was married to an emotionally void ex and spent 10 1/2 years with him and was miserable the WHOLE time. I knew at the wedding rehersal that I didn''t want to marry him, but was afraid to back out at the last minute. He had a lot of issues with his family and was used to being ''cold'' with them and that spilled over to me. I confused the physical part, I was young, with love and thought it would get better with time. It didn''t. He referred to everything as ''his,'' not ''ours,'' and was obsessed with money and possessions. He wouldn''t touch me unless it meant going all of the way....no hugs, holding hands, NOTHING. I''m very touchy feely and he would have none of it. Every time I would ask for a hug he would pull away unless I would go to bed with him. Anyway, my situation isn''t like some of your situations, but it made me sick, VERY SICK. He would gripe about money every single day of my life and he would complain about every penny that came and went. I finally couldn''t take it anymore after I became mentally ill....suicidal....and he couldn''t care less after I told him that I didn''t want to live anymore. Therapy, and my Mom, helped me to see that this was a no-win situation because he was only getting worse and didn''t think there were any problems. I tried to adjust to the lack of emotion between us and the constant nagging on his part, but finally couldn''t handle it anymore and almost had a nervous breakdown. We separated and I filed for divorce in 1997. He went along with it and agreed to pay for half of the lawyer fees.....he still owes me money for his part.....

He remarried a year and half later and I ran into him at the mall shortly after that. He apologized for ''all of the mistakes HE made in our marriage and now realizes where HE went wrong.'' His new wife is the dominate one in their marriage and he kept looking around to see if she was coming because she would be very upset to see us together.....that''s the key....I wasn''t the dominate one!

Looking back, I was caught up in the excitement of the wedding plans and didn''t see who I was really marrying the first time. Now, I''m very happily married and will never look back again.

Thank you for letting me get this out of my system!

Lori
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((((HUGS)))) Lori. Everything I highlighted above applied to my situation with my XH too. It''s amazing how all abusers seem to be alike in many ways!
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Bling, can you check in soon just to let us know how you''re doing?
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Bling - My thoughts are with you! I''ve read through most of the posts and you are in good hands.
Keep us posted on how things go and STAY STRONG! You can do it!!!!! You deseve way way way more than this.
 
Yes, please do check in. Everyone''s thinking about you.
 
During the reno chaos of last year, my DH of over 44 years started acting super-critical of me and of small things around the house as well (Be sure to pull the TP down at least 6" so that it''s easier to reach at night.)??? I said nothing at first thinking that this was his way of coping with the stress, but I''m not patient at all and called him on it many times. He did it a few more times and finally shouted, " I''m leaving!" My response to him was, "Do us both a huge favour and leave right now!" He looked as if he''d just been shot.

I had suggested marriage counselling earlier in the reno, but was told this time that the problem was mine, not his. If I wanted to attend counselling to go right ahead. I like to provide options so my reply was either the counsellor or the door. Make up your mind. We had several sessions which were most helpful, and may have more in the future, who knows? BUT, now he knows exactly where we both stand.

Who would have predicted that the stress of reno would push a marriage of now 45 years teetering to the edge?
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Date: 9/22/2008 9:47:49 AM
Author: risingsun

I would like to add to Deborah''s excellent post. Licensed Professional Counselors are also qualified to practice independently and take third party reimbursement and Medicare. You would need to ask if the invidual counselor has experience in working with domestic abuse.
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I am glad you clarified this point, risingsun. My state (Connecticut) does not license counselors and your posting led me to do some reading about Licensed Professional Counselors. Pricescope provides information on many topics besides gemstones and diamonds!


Deborah
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Hi there!
I apologize if I repeat anything previously said I have not read responses. Firstly, I am so sorry that you are agoing through this. I definately agree that you need to seek professional help. I am by no means a licensed practitioner I am still in school but am currently doing my internship with an agency dealing with all sorts of abuse against women. One of the most important things I have learned is that often when you share a situation like this everyone will say leave leave leave get the heck outta there and I just wanted to caution you against making any rash decisions without the help of a professional. Although it has all been emotional until now you don''t know how he will react if you leave.

I don''t have too much else to say except this is 100% emotional abuse and you do not deserve that at all. Good luck and keep us posted! Thoughts are with you.
 
Just thinking about you, hugs.
 
Hoping your appointment goes well on Wednesday. We are all thinking of you, and wishing you well. Hugs.
 
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