Emotionally abusive husband??

[loriken214]

Date: 9/22/2008 10:45:09 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 9/22/2008 6:04:30 AM
Author: loriken214
Bling, my heart goes out to you and you have lots of love and support here! Please keep us posted on how you are doing! Continue to take care of YOURSELF....no matter what!

Gosh, there is so much raw emotion here. I, too, was married to an emotionally void ex and spent 10 1/2 years with him and was miserable the WHOLE time. I knew at the wedding rehersal that I didn''t want to marry him, but was afraid to back out at the last minute. He had a lot of issues with his family and was used to being ''cold'' with them and that spilled over to me. I confused the physical part, I was young, with love and thought it would get better with time. It didn''t. He referred to everything as ''his,'' not ''ours,'' and was obsessed with money and possessions. He wouldn''t touch me unless it meant going all of the way....no hugs, holding hands, NOTHING. I''m very touchy feely and he would have none of it. Every time I would ask for a hug he would pull away unless I would go to bed with him. Anyway, my situation isn''t like some of your situations, but it made me sick, VERY SICK. He would gripe about money every single day of my life and he would complain about every penny that came and went. I finally couldn''t take it anymore after I became mentally ill....suicidal....and he couldn''t care less after I told him that I didn''t want to live anymore. Therapy, and my Mom, helped me to see that this was a no-win situation because he was only getting worse and didn''t think there were any problems. I tried to adjust to the lack of emotion between us and the constant nagging on his part, but finally couldn''t handle it anymore and almost had a nervous breakdown. We separated and I filed for divorce in 1997. He went along with it and agreed to pay for half of the lawyer fees.....he still owes me money for his part.....

He remarried a year and half later and I ran into him at the mall shortly after that. He apologized for ''all of the mistakes HE made in our marriage and now realizes where HE went wrong.'' His new wife is the dominate one in their marriage and he kept looking around to see if she was coming because she would be very upset to see us together.....that''s the key....I wasn''t the dominate one!

Looking back, I was caught up in the excitement of the wedding plans and didn''t see who I was really marrying the first time. Now, I''m very happily married and will never look back again.

Thank you for letting me get this out of my system!

Lori

((((HUGS)))) Lori. Everything I highlighted above applied to my situation with my XH too. It''s amazing how all abusers seem to be alike in many ways!

Bling, can you check in soon just to let us know how you''re doing?

Hi Emm!

Thank you.....BIG HUGS to you! I''m amazed at how many people get married and don''t know who they are really marrying. I was blind to my Ex''s lack of emotion before we married so I''m partially to blame. Guess I was wishing for the white picket fence thing and woke up too late. I went into my second marriage with my EYES WIDE OPEN and now I don''t put up with any crap whatsoever. DH and I talk things out and we don''t let things get out of hand. Communication is the key.

Bling, tomorrow is the day! Please let us know how things go!

Lori

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 9/23/2008 5:50:01 PM
Author: loriken214

Date: 9/22/2008 10:45:09 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 9/22/2008 6:04:30 AM
Author: loriken214
Bling, my heart goes out to you and you have lots of love and support here! Please keep us posted on how you are doing! Continue to take care of YOURSELF....no matter what!

Gosh, there is so much raw emotion here. I, too, was married to an emotionally void ex and spent 10 1/2 years with him and was miserable the WHOLE time. I knew at the wedding rehersal that I didn''t want to marry him, but was afraid to back out at the last minute. He had a lot of issues with his family and was used to being ''cold'' with them and that spilled over to me. I confused the physical part, I was young, with love and thought it would get better with time. It didn''t. He referred to everything as ''his,'' not ''ours,'' and was obsessed with money and possessions. He wouldn''t touch me unless it meant going all of the way....no hugs, holding hands, NOTHING. I''m very touchy feely and he would have none of it. Every time I would ask for a hug he would pull away unless I would go to bed with him. Anyway, my situation isn''t like some of your situations, but it made me sick, VERY SICK. He would gripe about money every single day of my life and he would complain about every penny that came and went. I finally couldn''t take it anymore after I became mentally ill....suicidal....and he couldn''t care less after I told him that I didn''t want to live anymore. Therapy, and my Mom, helped me to see that this was a no-win situation because he was only getting worse and didn''t think there were any problems. I tried to adjust to the lack of emotion between us and the constant nagging on his part, but finally couldn''t handle it anymore and almost had a nervous breakdown. We separated and I filed for divorce in 1997. He went along with it and agreed to pay for half of the lawyer fees.....he still owes me money for his part.....

He remarried a year and half later and I ran into him at the mall shortly after that. He apologized for ''all of the mistakes HE made in our marriage and now realizes where HE went wrong.'' His new wife is the dominate one in their marriage and he kept looking around to see if she was coming because she would be very upset to see us together.....that''s the key....I wasn''t the dominate one!

Looking back, I was caught up in the excitement of the wedding plans and didn''t see who I was really marrying the first time. Now, I''m very happily married and will never look back again.

Thank you for letting me get this out of my system!

Lori

((((HUGS)))) Lori. Everything I highlighted above applied to my situation with my XH too. It''s amazing how all abusers seem to be alike in many ways!

Bling, can you check in soon just to let us know how you''re doing?

Hi Emm!

Thank you.....BIG HUGS to you! I''m amazed at how many people get married and don''t know who they are really marrying. I was blind to my Ex''s lack of emotion before we married so I''m partially to blame. Guess I was wishing for the white picket fence thing and woke up too late. I went into my second marriage with my EYES WIDE OPEN and now I don''t put up with any crap whatsoever. DH and I talk things out and we don''t let things get out of hand. Communication is the key.

Bling, tomorrow is the day! Please let us know how things go!

Lori

Lori, I don''t think you''re partially to blame at all. Abusers LOVE to pretend to be someone they are not. That''s how they reel us in. In my case, XH was very charming and attentive while we were dating. When we moved in together, things went slightly down hill. I just chalked it up to us getting used to living together, but I was so wrong. When we got engaged, things got much worse, and after we got married they became unbearable.

If I had known what a REAL relationship is supposed to be like, I would have been out of there in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, it took me six years and a lot of pain and torment to figure it out. Now that I''m remarried to a WONDERFUL guy, I have only one regret about leaving my XH: I regret that I didn''t leave him sooner.

Please don''t ever blame yourself for what he did to you. It''s not your fault AT ALL. You were a victim . . . and now you''re a survivor!

 

[risingsun]

Date: 9/22/2008 9:26:39 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 9/22/2008 9:47:49 AM
Author: risingsun

I would like to add to Deborah''s excellent post. Licensed Professional Counselors are also qualified to practice independently and take third party reimbursement and Medicare. You would need to ask if the invidual counselor has experience in working with domestic abuse.

I am glad you clarified this point, risingsun. My state (Connecticut) does not license counselors and your posting led me to do some reading about Licensed Professional Counselors. Pricescope provides information on many topics besides gemstones and diamonds!


Deborah

I am pleased to report that Connecticut is now licensing counselors:
http://www.ct.gov/dph/cwp/view.asp?a=3121&q=396906&dphNav_GID=1821

We work with mood disorders, anxiety disorders and a variety of other mental health issues. I''ve done my good deed for my profession today

 

[LaraOnline]

Irishgirl and Lori, thank you for letting me read your stories. You are inspirational to me, and hopefully to other women who might be happy in their relationships... or not so happy.
Also, isaku''s story is interesting.
This forum is great, and hopefully has been of use to Bling, and hopefully others...

Thanks for sharing, girls, and Bling, more strength to you!

L.

 

[dragonfly411]

BLING WHERE ARE YOU!?!?! How did today go? We''re all waiting (rather impatiently in some cases)

 

[Icy Melona]

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I won't attempt to even say that I can understand what you're going through, though I sympathize. It sounds to me that he really does have some serious emotional issues, his periods of ups and downs sounds like bipolar disorder but the two people I know who have that disorder are not abusive. He sounds like a manipulator and seems to be 'grooming' you with his constant criticism that undermines your confidence and self esteem. He sounds cruel in that he witholds affection and makes you feel insecure in the relationship. He has a public and private face. All of these are not normal.

I have a friend who had a paranoid boyfriend who would always spy on her, accuse her of being with other men and threatened to kill himself several times when she tried to break it off with him. He never took his eyes off her, literally, you would say something to him but he would reply without taking his eyes off her. Heck, he even named his first child (with another poor woman) after my friend and bombarded my friend with emails just to let her know that years after they parted. He still emails her after a decade saying that he misses her. My friend later admitted that she never felt safe in the relationship and only stayed with him for 2+ years because she actually felt frightened that he would do something to her if she left. Some people around her felt that there was something not quite right about her boyfriend but nobody knew what she was going though until after she managed to end the relationship. Back then we were too young to understand. I know this isn't what your situation is but I think it highlights that if the relationship doesn't feel normal- i.e. safe, secure, balanced, trusting, loving, maturing and stimulating albeit at times frustrating mostly over bills, bad habits and who minds the kids- than there's something definitely wrong.

I'm sure you already know so I'm just going to repeat it, if you feel that you don't feel safe; are depressed and highly stressed; and you aren't appreciated and respected in this relationship, it's time to seek some help. I don't mean just medical/professional- I urge you to reach out to family, friends, co workers, anyone who will listen and can help. You need to worry about your wellbeing first. It took my friend years to get over the damage that her ex did. I don't mean to trivialize marriage but I imagine you're confused and hurting right now and I think you need to be in a secure, supportive environment and put some distance so you can think more clearly. I hope things work out for the best and am truly sorry to hear what you're going through.

 

[ohm]

Hi everyone, I''m a long time lurker but after reading the op a few days ago and waiting for updates I couldn''t sit here any longer without registering to say that we are thinking of you and can''t wait to hear that you are ok. This is a great community and I know so many are thinking of you right now.

 

[monarch64]

Bling, I just wanted to pop in here and say that I hope your therapy session was helpful and that you are doing ok.

 

[diamondfan]

Abusers want to tear you down, wear away at your confidence and sense of worth. They only succeed if this happens, they start to isolate you from people, and keep you off kilter by being nice sometimes (especially in public which serves their image) and then cruel and hurtful. They are masters at manipulating. You start to think it IS you, you ARE deserving of this treatment. It is very crafty and usually occurs over time. And emotional or verbal abuse often escalates to physical.

I am so sorry for anyone living like this. I hope that anyone who is can get some support. It is a terrible way to live I had a boyfriend like this when I was 18 and stayed for two years through a lot of stuff. Life is too short to let someone do this to you.

 

[Pandora II]

Bling, I''m so sorry about what you are going through - believe me, you are in an abusive relationship.

Please try to look out for you and don''t fall for the ''poor, hurt little boy who had such a terrible past'' scenario. I made that mistake and was hurt badly both emotionally and physically by that person.

Yes it does sound as if your husband has had a bad childhood, but whilst it''s reasonable to support someone who is working on coming to terms with that, the wish to deal with it must come from him and not you. You cannot make things better no matter how much you love someone or try to help them.

As someone who does have bipolar, I can say that reading your posts I see absolutely no signs of it whatsoever.

I''m so glad that you are getting some counselling and I hope that it will give you the support you need to be able to walk away.

 

[Icy Melona]

Hi Pandora, just in case, I hope you didn't take offense at my post about bipolar disorder. I apologise if I did. I only meant Bling's husband's emotional ups and downs might signify that he has bipolar not his periodic abuse of Bling and I'm more inclined to believe he is an abuser and is emotionally manipulative. I reread my post and it didn't make that very clear.

Bling, I wish you all the safety and strength to do what's right for you.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Bling, I hope your session with the therapist went well. Check back in with us! We''re all thinking of you!

 

[dragonfly411]

Bling
Still looking out for ya! Hope all is well!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 9/25/2008 12:27:44 PM
Author: Icy Melona
Hi Pandora, just in case, I hope you didn''t take offense at my post about bipolar disorder. I apologise if I did. I only meant Bling''s husband''s emotional ups and downs might signify that he has bipolar not his periodic abuse of Bling and I''m more inclined to believe he is an abuser and is emotionally manipulative. I reread my post and it didn''t make that very clear.

Bling, I wish you all the safety and strength to do what''s right for you.

Hi Melona,

Don''t worry I didn''t take it that way at all. But, it''s also worth knowing that emotional ups and downs don''t normally equal bipolar. Yes, there are big mood changes in bipolar disorder but they tend to be long lasting and pretty obvious. People with Type I where you have full blown manic episodes have on average only 5 episodes in a lifetime.

I have rapid cycling Type II (hypomania rather than mania and more depressive episodes) and that means 4+ episodes in a year. It is VERY, VERY rare to have the type where you cycle in a day or so.

Wikipedia has quite a good and comprehensive article on it.

I would put my money on some form of personality disorder - narcassistic springs to mind quite quickly!

 

[marcy]

I just read through your thread. I am so sorry to hear about your situation and every one else''s stories on here. I hope the therapist helps but if it doesn''t remember to take care of yourself first. Hugs to you. Hugs to all of you who have been in an abusive relationship.

 

[loriken214]

Bling, please check in.....hope all is well after your appointment!

Lori

 

[dragonfly411]

<---- is hoping bling is ok

 

[Kaleigh]

Hi Bling,
Please check in when you have a chance. I know we are all thinking of you!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I didn''t read any of the other responses, so please forgive me if I repeat any advice that has already been offered...

I can''t even begin to imagine how hurt you must be. He sounds like a real you-know-what, and is very emotionally abusive. You don''t deserve to be treated this way, and you need to leave...at least until you have a professional telling you to go back...

IMO it will be healthy for you to have a safe place to go to open up. Someone to share your story with, someone that won''t judge you, or isn''t directly involved. It will be good for you to have that sort of support in your life. I''ve seen a therapist off and on for years now, and its been my saving grace time and time again.

But the truth is, if he''s like this now--it will only get worse. I feel like, from what you said shared about him, he bates you. Like you''re living in an emotional cat and mouse game. It''s extremely damaging from what I can gather--and I''m sorry for you, very very sorry...no one should ever be treated this way.

If it were me, I would leave. Maybe that sounds impulsive or rash...and maybe I shouldn''t be offering that sort of advice on a website to someone I don''t know...but I could never live like that. My home is haven, my husband is my best friend--and if I ever felt like a I was seriously being abused, I wouldn''t be able to justify staying for any reason. Even if I only managed to leave for a little while...just long enough to get the point across that I''m not his doormat, or emotional punching bag...that I won''t tolerate being ignored in my own home by my so-called husband. Even if I was gone just long enough to show him I could go and be gone for long as I wanted to be. You can always go back, but theres so much that seems needing to be fixed--from the bottom up. But staying, gives him permission to continue to emotionally distroy you...by not standing up for yourself, you''re saying it''s okay....and it''s SOOOO not okay.

I think you should listen to him. When he told you he wasnt husband material, as hurtful as that was, it may have been the only time he managed to be honest with you. Because this man, the one that belittles and berates you, isn''t husband material. The fact that he puts on a show for friends and family, gets under my skin, its another way of taunting you--teasing you--and pushing your buttons.

Your worth more than this...you deserve better...

 

[somehowcollide]

Bling, following you story and offering my prayers. I''ve tried to post in your thread many times, and while I can''t find the right words to express my feelings, I can at least let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you are well.

Stay strong.

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Hi Bling,

I want to say that people can change but only if THEY want to. My husband has similar issues; I don't want to list every one of them here, but one day I told him he would have to get help if he wanted to stay married (we had a one-year old at the time). He did and he has been steadily working on his issues. It is not always smooth sailing, but we are making our marriage work for the sake of our child and us. We rely heavily on our faith and this helps us a lot.

The other thing is, I was like you after we first got married. I would sort of play into his "episodes" and respond in anger. Once we got help from the therapist, I knew how to approach these situations so that I would no longer play into them. Does that make sense? I guess you could say I no longer take his "crap" and it has helped me stand my ground.

The only other question I have to ask is, Do you want to work on your marriage or are you OK with letting it go? You might have to start making some ultimatums to him regarding seeking help from a therapist. But you have to be OK with leaving if he doesn't comply. I was prepared to walk out if my husband didn't get help, and you would have to be at that point too. I think that once I started making ulitmatums, my husband realized what he was going to lose and he decided to get help. He admits today that everything was have done has helped him incredibly. God has transformed him too.

He will probably always be more difficult than some to live with, due to his past abuses and losses, but I understand that that is the man I married. We have an awesome son that we are enjoying raising together. I just wanted to speak up and tell you that there is hope, but you will have to fight for it. Only you can decide if you think it is possible and worth it, or if you would be better off getting out.