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Emotionally abusive husband??

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Im so sorry about the pain in your relationship.I would suggest that you get as much help for yourself and get the strength you need to leave this man.EMOTIONAL ABUSE DOSNT GET BETTER IT GETS WORSE...I would start planning your future with and without him if he wont seek help...you may have fallen in love with a emotionally damaged person but you dont need to stay with him if he wont work with you to strengthen this relationship with team work and respect.There are many healthy men in the world that are looking for good realtionships and willing to work to keep them healthy.
 
Take my advice. Pack an overnight bag with your essentials and some cash and leave it at a family or friends house, just in case. Always make sure that you know where your car keys are in case you need to leave quickly. Even if you are just thinking about leaving, don''t make the mistake of not knowing what your finances are. Make sure you have all bank account and credit card numbers, etc. Make sure you have all retirement info, stocks, bonds, insurance info, etc. You may want to make copies of important documents and keep in a safe place either with family or friends or in a safety deposit box. It can be difficult to obtain info after the fact, especially if someone is motivated to hide it.

I am hoping you can work through this and counseling is a really good idea. But, you need to be prepared just in case. My intention is NOT to give you legal advice. I just want to make sure that you look out for yourself, especially when you are emotional and may not be able to think clearly. Best wishes. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Chelsea
 
Date: 9/15/2008 6:36:44 PM
Author: jewelerman
Im so sorry about the pain in your relationship.I would suggest that you get as much help for yourself and get the strength you need to leave this man.EMOTIONAL ABUSE DOSNT GET BETTER IT GETS WORSE...I would start planning your future with and without him if he wont seek help...you may have fallen in love with a emotionally damaged person but you dont need to stay with him if he wont work with you to strengthen this relationship with team work and respect.There are many healthy men in the world that are looking for good realtionships and willing to work to keep them healthy.
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Ditto.
 
Date: 9/15/2008 6:48:45 PM
Author: chelsea3
Take my advice. Pack an overnight bag with your essentials and some cash and leave it at a family or friends house, just in case. Always make sure that you know where your car keys are in case you need to leave quickly. Even if you are just thinking about leaving, don''t make the mistake of not knowing what your finances are. Make sure you have all bank account and credit card numbers, etc. Make sure you have all retirement info, stocks, bonds, insurance info, etc. You may want to make copies of important documents and keep in a safe place either with family or friends or in a safety deposit box. It can be difficult to obtain info after the fact, especially if someone is motivated to hide it.

I am hoping you can work through this and counseling is a really good idea. But, you need to be prepared just in case. My intention is NOT to give you legal advice. I just want to make sure that you look out for yourself, especially when you are emotional and may not be able to think clearly. Best wishes. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Chelsea
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This is fabulous advice! I know you want everything to work out and hopefully it will, but Chelsea is exactly right about being aware of your finances.

I''ll be thinking of you!
 
Wow blingalicious...I''m sorry this is going on for you... I agree with the other posters...I''ve been verbally/mentally abused before just in a different scenario...

Either way, it must be super hard for you right now...

Best wishes to you and stay safe!!!
 
I just want to say that I''m so sorry, it sounds like you have been struggling with this for quite some time and have put so much of your thought and emotion into figuring out what to do. I just feel for you--I can imagine you''re probably going through every emotion in the spectrum from frustratoin to sadness to anger to hurt...I''m sorry.

I agree with the others that he is just not "getting" it. He doesn''t see that what he''s doing is wrong...at least not enough to change it. Until he really does get it, nothing will change. Even if he woke up tomorrow and was 100% committed to changing, it would be a long battle. As you know, you have absolutely no control over how he behaves...if anything I hope that you realize with absolute certainty that his need to control and manipulate has nothing to do with you.

I think that leaving the relationship to get your head around what you should do next is a great idea. I have a feeling that when you establish that boundry (i.e I''m not taking your crap another day), he will then want to go to therapy. I think that if it does get to that point where he''s willing to work on his own behavior, that''s when the real work will begin. I hope he''s willing to put in the work if it comes to that, but for now all you can do is remove yourself from the situatoin.

I wish you lots of luck!! You are incredibly strong!
 
Date: 9/15/2008 5:57:17 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I always say, ''marriage is work.'' However, it takes TWO to make it work. One can keep at it until she is blue in the face, but if the other doesn''t care, there just isn''t a marriage.

I do agree, that you should call him out (I realize that you say he knows, but hey, try it one more time) and if he denies it, then you know what you are dealing with (I''ll spare you the words). Some time back, I noticed my husband DID seem a bit sweeter and happier when we are around friends, and I was thinking...hmmm...WTF? I told him, ''Dude, do you know that sometimes I feel you are nicer to me in public and when you are home you are quieter?'' I''m all for being able to kick up your feet and be ''yourself'' at home, but seriously. TGuy looked at me and went ''huh? really?'' And made the effort from there. I guess he just didn''t realize what he was doing....figured he could turn ''off'' at home. Meanwhile, I had to figure out if I was just taking it personally and imagining things.

Either way, we communicated, moved on and worked it out. To me, it doesn''t sound like your guys is having a truly ''huh? really?'' moment, but be honest in what you are feeling and if he doesn''t even remotely sound like he''s wanting to work this out with you, then you need to reassess what you want to do with your marriage. Emotional abuse is something no one should ever live with.
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First I am REALLY sorry about what you are going through. I never realized until I was married myself just how difficult it can be to deal with another person''s ups and downs. So my heart goes out to you in trying to manage what is going on with your husband right now.

Second, I have to agree with TGal. Working out things in a marriage takes two people. If one is not ready to do the work, then it''s nearly impossible to make things right. While I really hope that your husband changes his mind and decides to seek counseling, I am still in favor of you being prepared if things don''t change. You deserve better. His manipulative behavior really concerns me. Please protect yourself.
 
Honestly 16 months isn''t a long time to really know someone and in youe 30''s people are more set in their ways. I always tell my friend to watch how a guy acts around 9-14 months because thats when the charm usually wears off. you were probably head over heels talking marriage to notice the signs......no communication = no relationship.
 
I hate to tell you to leave your marriage, that is not something from one post that I can really say makes sense. However, if you are really dealing with this, I would say leave. For whatever reason, and there might be many, he is not treating you well. I would not live that way for the rest of my life. He needs some psychiatric help. He is clearly emotionally abusive and that is not okay. It seems he might have a cyclical depression issue or chemical imbalance but it is not normal to be treated that way. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
 
Things will not get better. He is not behaving well towards you and sounds like the communication line is closed permanently...maybe it never was open. If it were me I''d be out of there but only you can decide how you want this to play out. Please don''t have children right now. He would be more likely to treat them like he treats you, NOT how he treats the dog. I wish you the best.
 
Date: 9/15/2008 6:48:45 PM
Author: chelsea3
Take my advice. Pack an overnight bag with your essentials and some cash and leave it at a family or friends house, just in case. Always make sure that you know where your car keys are in case you need to leave quickly. Even if you are just thinking about leaving, don''t make the mistake of not knowing what your finances are. Make sure you have all bank account and credit card numbers, etc. Make sure you have all retirement info, stocks, bonds, insurance info, etc. You may want to make copies of important documents and keep in a safe place either with family or friends or in a safety deposit box. It can be difficult to obtain info after the fact, especially if someone is motivated to hide it.

I am hoping you can work through this and counseling is a really good idea. But, you need to be prepared just in case. My intention is NOT to give you legal advice. I just want to make sure that you look out for yourself, especially when you are emotional and may not be able to think clearly. Best wishes. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Chelsea
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this is well said...and what i was trying to say when i advised to prepare for a life without him...also remember that passive agressive behaviors may be taken out on prized possessions so when you decide to leave dont leave personal valuables...jewelry,art,or childhood items that he can take his frustration out on them...maybe store these things in storage at your family or friends home for safe keeping.I have an aunt that had to leave in the middle of the night and she left everything behind and wishes today that she would have pre-planned so her daughter could have something from her childhood.She left with $26.00 and the clothes on her back.
 
Oh Honey,
You have gotten some great advice, please take care of yourself. Your poor DH, he must have so little self love...it is just twisted and wrong of course that he is taking out his difficulties on the one person on earth who loves him so very deeply. His testing of your love is destroying you and must stop. Please do whatever you can to get you both into therapy regularly to work on this. Perhaps making it clear that you love him endlessly but can not continue in a downward spiral is a way of starting a new path. Please get help, we all can give you support, but our hearts'' breaking over your situation is not going to help you. A great therapist, visited regularly, is a must.

Tell him he can''t be "locked up" unless he poses a threat to himself or others...physically.
 
I''m so sorry you''re going through this. I hope you get the help you need, and things get better for you. You''ve gotten some great advice from the others. Just know that you have people thinking about you--I know this situation can feel isolating. I agree with diamondfan--it sounds like he has some sort of chemical imbalance. You sound like a very strong, kind, and reasonable person--sending good thoughts your way.
 
Sorry I couldn''t get back here to post sooner, but he got home from work and I don''t want him watching over my shoulder. He is out mowing the yard now, so I had a chance to come back on here. I so so so appreciate everyone''s great advice. I totally agree with keeping an overnight bag at my friends house. That thought had actually crossed my mind. Fortunately, our finances are separate. I, surprisingly, am the one in control of the finances. He wouldn''t balance a checkbook if you paid him to. lol I have everything in a single file in the filing cabinet, so it would not be hard to make copies of and have at my disposal. I know I need to start making some decisions here, and I guess part of me just hopes I can hang on long enough to see the therapist before I have to do anything else. He is actually in a good cycle right now, and has been for about a week. I am just biding my time and not provoking him at all until I get into therapy. I know I seem to be placing a lot of responsibility on the therapist here, but making that appointment was a huge huge huge step for me. I didn''t want to admit we had a problem, and when I dialed that phone number, the reality of our problems really hit me. I am in no way, shape, or form planning to have kids with him. He keeps hinting that he wants kids in the near future, and I find a way to put it off everytime he brings it up. There is no way I would subject an innocent child to this mess right now. I actually went back on the pill just to be sure it wouldn''t happen. Okay--gotta go, he''s coming back inside. I will post more tomorrow
 
Please remain strong. His problems are too deep and serious for a little love or patience to work. He cycles through very abusive/neglectful/hurtful phases. That is just unacceptable. No personal problems allow you to mistreat your partner. Sure, you can go through the "worst of times" and need a little understanding, but you still love and respect your partner.

Please, please, please. Please. Life isn''t a game. It''s your life. Do you want to be spend it with someone who throws the dice on your happiness, who thinks he wins when he puts you down, who feels you''re on opposite sides? No. That''s SOOOO sad.
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I do feel sorry for him. I do think he has problems. Doesn''t every abuser? Yes, they all have pain; they all have problems. You are not qualified or capable of saving him. I hope he''ll get help one day, but in the mean time, you must live YOUR life.

Good luck.
 
Google, "narcissistic personality disorder" and start reading. All will be clear.

Good luck. I''m kind of narcissistic myself so I''m familiar with these tactics.
 
Your story gave me chills. Pathological, narcissistic are two words that come to mind. Please be careful. I really would be afraid if I were you. He sounds like someone who could snap. I really don''t think you can help him. He needs to help himself. However, he most likely will not.

Good luck and I hope you can come to some sort of terms one way or another on what to do....and at the very least please make sure someone close to you knows what is going on.
 
Date: 9/15/2008 9:34:06 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
Please remain strong. His problems are too deep and serious for a little love or patience to work. He cycles through very abusive/neglectful/hurtful phases. That is just unacceptable. No personal problems allow you to mistreat your partner. Sure, you can go through the 'worst of times' and need a little understanding, but you still love and respect your partner.

Please, please, please. Please. Life isn't a game. It's your life. Do you want to be spend it with someone who throws the dice on your happiness, who thinks he wins when he puts you down, who feels you're on opposite sides? No. That's SOOOO sad.
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I do feel sorry for him. I do think he has problems. Doesn't every abuser? Yes, they all have pain; they all have problems. You are not qualified or capable of saving him. I hope he'll get help one day, but in the mean time, you must live YOUR life.

Good luck.
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Agree with every word.

I know that what you are experiencing now will ONLY get worse. Starts with the non communication, the nit picking. Ya know what comes next, the physical abuse. It's a life no one would want to live. Get out now, while you can. Make plans, copy all your personal info, put it in a safety deposit box, passport medical info, etc... Start now while he doesn't know. There are hot lines that can give you a run down of making plans to get out. I am forgetting what they told me when I was helping a friend ages ago. I am sure by now there are check lists on the internet, of what to do before you leave.

I pray for strength in the days ahead, so sorry. But you'll be ok!!! That's what is most important!!!

We will be here for you, so please keep checking in. We are not professionals, as you know. But we care, and seek to help along the way, while you get the help that you need.
 
Be ready to leave, I think it is inevitable. And take the puppy with you, trust me, its better that way.

If you leave he may realize there is a problem and get the help he needs. This happened to a relative of mine with an alcohol problem. It has been 20 years since his treatment and he is the best. I have also known many that never get treatment and frankly, if he doesn''t love you more than his reputation as "sane", he doesn''t love you
 
it gives me chills and puts tears in my eyes to read this. you need to get away from that. i can understnd if you are hesitant being that you want the man you married back, but you cannot have a marriage this way. if you feel that you are not strong enough now, wait. a good therapist will be able to help you understand that you are better off. honey, please dont stay. get help and then leave.
 
This type of individual very rarely changes. They usually just get older and worse.

The only thing (in my experience) that changes someone like this is a dramatic spiritual awakening, a near death experience, or a lifetime of therapy.

You''re probably going to find that this is not an easy type of guy to leave either. These passive-aggressive controlling individuals are like tar babies, very difficult to extricate yourself from. You might think they won''t mind if you leave, but then when you try you will see their control exercised in it''s most raw form. This is the most dangerous time in the breakup of a dysfunctional relationship. Once you do it (if you do), you want to make as clean a break of it as you can.

Be careful, because underneath all of this there is a lot of undealt with anger. Possibly even rage.

But in the same breath I must say don''t skip the therapy sessions for yourself. Use this as a soul-searching opportunity and ask yourself "Why did I attract this type of unhealthy individual?" Opposite but complimentary dysfunctional energy patterns tend to attract one another. It''s very rare in these situations for it to be "just the one person". Usually there''s something going on in both, although it might not be as obvious in one as the other.
 
I am so sorry.... I went through something similar with my x-husband only to find out that he was cheating on me. I knew something was wrong and he was cold as ice also and did not want to talk to me about anything. I knew something was wrong and he did not want to talk. He went through the hot and cold stage which I later figured out was to be more like his guilt, hence the hot stage and the cold being when he was wrapped up with thoughts of her. Even when he finally came clean and I told him that I wanted to work things out with our marriage for the sake of us and the 4 boys.. he did not want to hear of it and just packed his stuff and left anyways. It took me a good 15 months of an outstanding counselor to clean my head out. I am so so thankful for her.

Please get therapy for yourself and keep kids out of the equation. It''s tough enough when it''s just yourself dealing with an emotional rollercoaster let alone an innocent child.

Good luck. Thoughts and prayers with you!
 
Bling, I skimmed all of the responses you've received so far, and I can see that you've gotten some excellent advice.

Your husband is abusing you. I know exactly which online quiz you're talking about, because I took it about five years ago and discovered that my XH was extremely abusive. I've been exactly where you are. And I promise you, this will not change unless you MAKE it change. Therapy for you is not the answer (although it is a good start for healing the damage he's done to you). Joint therapy is not the answer. Anger management classes for him are not the answer. He is an abuser, plain and simple. The ONLY thing that EVER has even a slight chance of reforming an abuser is a dedicated abuser's therapy program, and even then, the chance of him changing is very very slim.

Also, as others have already mentioned, you should ABSOLUTELY do whatever it takes to make sure pregnancy is not a possibility right now. My XH was very pushy about wanting to have a child too, especially when he saw that our marriage was deteriorating. An abuser will often use this as a ploy to keep you with him and under his control.

Please, please do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. Here's a link to a message board that helped me IMMENSELY when I was making the break from my abusive XH: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhabuse?ice=ivl,searchmb Please go there and and talk to the wonderful ladies on that board. They will help you more than you can ever imagine . . . they literally saved my life.

Big hugs to you, and please check back often to let us know how you're doing!!!
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ETA: I noticed that you mentioned that he's in a good "cycle" right now. That's a very relevant term. An abuser does go through cycles. Right now, you're experiencing what's known as the "honeymoon phase." He is feeling guilty about treating you poorly, and he's trying to alleviate his guilt. After this honeymoon phase is over, his behavior will eventually start to escalate again, until it reaches its peak, and then his guilt will return and you'll be back in another honeymoon phase. Also, as time goes on, the cycle will get shorter and shorter. By the time I left my XH, he was completing a full cycle daily. Again, please take care of yourself, and let us know that you're OK.
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the fact that you say he''s in a this cycle or a that cycle makes me think he''s bi-polar. although bipolarism lends itself to great highs and lows, and you haven''t mentioned those, but i definitely believe you have reasons to truly introspect and make some big decisions about your life. i also believe that he has some bigger issues that your confronting alone won''t change without help from outside the marriage.
i have been married for a very long time, we have done therapy, i have made (many) emotional concessions. we took a walk around our new neighborhood tonite-i told him how lonely the last 20+ years have been. he said "i''m sorry". it was kind of light hearted, i am kind of over it, but we have built a life, have many kids and we do love each other. i believe that as capable as my hubby is of loving, he does truly love me. my hubby is like yours; he''d tell anyone that i''m wife of the year but for a very long time, he had a hard time expressing those feelings to me. he has gotten better, and a little more considerate, and a little more unafraid of MY emotions. ''but i have really missed out on a truly intimate marriage that i dreamed of. if children had not come right away i definitely would have left..my husband has never been physically abusive ever but very emotionally absent from my life much of the time and our children too. he is/has workaholic tendencies and the world sees the trappings of success so i must be the whiny B....it has been too empty and lonely for me that i would tell anyone to get out before they cannot/won''t.
therapy is a great option. i have learned much about ME during times with therapists. at times my hubby would go and participate. other times he was indifferent. the only person you can change is YOU.
i feel for you, i really do. your posts reveal that you really want your marriage to sustain-please don''t sell yourself short though. i still imagine the what ifs and know that i probably will never have that one, true love of my life(who does? does anyone?)
i am a lurker mostly but had to let you know that i empathize with your situation. no one wants to leave a relationship as special and important as marriage, but you will figure it out. sounds like you are an on-the-ball, together kind of person. just wanted you to know that there is someone out there who has had feelings like you are experiencing, wanting to believe that it will be ok but realizing that things are not ok and not what you had planned on/hoped for in your marriage.
good luck making the decisions and changes necessary for you to be happy. i''ll be thinking of you
 
Everybody has given some great advice and I just wanted to extend you my best wishes and hugs! Emotional abuse is one of the hardest things, because for so many women, it takes years to realize that it really is abuse! I had a boyfriend somewhat like this, and it just took me so long to really see his treatment of me for what it really was. It sounds like your making steps in the right direction. You''ll definately be in my thoughts.
 
Bling: I''m so glad you chose to share your feelings and concerns, and that you''re seeking professional help. For one thing, it means that your husband hasn''t totally worn you down yet. I don''t mean to be overly dramatic, and I won''t pretend to have personal or special knowlege in this area, but reading what you wrote makes me frightened for you.

If you''re right and your husband is aware of what he''s doing, then what he''s doing is nothing short of sadistic. Not speaking to you for days at a time? Sadistic. Willfully witholding affection that he knows you want, and then showering it on the dog? Sadistic. Creating conditions that make it impossible for you to discuss your concerns? Sadistic. Badgering you about your medication, no doubt hoping that you''ll stop taking it? Sadistic.

I would get out of the situation, if only to give yourself an emotional break and regain some perspective. Stay with a friend or relative for awhile, with someone who cares for you, so you can heal a bit from this abuse. It is every bit as damaging to you as a bad illness would be, and you should take care of yourself as you would if you were phisically ill. I think you need a break even if I''m wrong, and he really is just a damaged boy who has no intent to hurt you. But -- I think there''s every reason to believe that he is knowingly hurting you as you''ve said.

This is where it will sound like I''m getting dramatic. My mother knows a woman whose husband tried more than once to kill her. He tried to poison her slowly -- fortunately her doctor figured out what was going on, but she was hospitalized because of it and still suffers health impacts. She felt sorry for her husband and returned to their home despite her adult children''s pleas. An auto mechanic tipped her off that her husband was asking "innocent" questions about what might cause brake failure right before she was going on an out-of town trip (they live in the foothills). And more. Someone was watching over her, however ... the husband died of a very aggressive form of cancer.

I don''t mean to suggest that your husband is trying to kill you, but it does sound like -- intentionally or not -- he''s trying to kill your spirit.
 
Please go to therapy YOURSELF to help you get out of this situation. Or call a hotline if the therapist is taking too long.

Abusers often manipulate therapy and he is an abuser. Don''t ask him to go with you, don''t ask him to go on his own, go yourself to help you deal with the extrication. And the aftermath: how did I get into this situation, how do I put myself back together again, how do I pick better in the future.

For now, concentrate on making those preparations and best of luck.
 
Oh Bling, I feel so awful for you that you are going through this..
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It sounds to me like your H could have manic depression, or another type of emotional disorder? I agree with others, it is only a matter of time until his beahviour escalates to verbal and/or physical abuse.
Much of what you said resonates with me as they are some of the behaviours my dad has always inflicted on my mum - as long as I can remember, he has also been verbally and physically abusive toward my mum, myself and sisters.
He was diagnosed many yrs ago with manic depression, but has refused to ever take counselling or medication - I think denial can be a big part of it.
Fwiw, they are still together and their marriage is alot better these days - but I doubt you want to wait 25 odd years for your H to change..

I'm sorry I don't have more to add, I think you have been given some solid advice here, which I second. I know it is easy for us to sit here and cry "Leave Him!", but I sincerely believe that everyone deserves a chance - if he is not willing to take that chance and get counsellng and start trying to mend your marriage, then that is on him.
I also ditto having a contingency plan in place incase it gets worse - good to hear that you have some control over your finances.

I hope the counsellor can give you some insight, you may also consider phoning a Women's hotline for advice, my thoughts are with you ((hugs)).
 
Date: 9/15/2008 6:20:54 PM
Author: blingalicious
I am so thankful for all your posts. I really need perspective on this. You brought up a good point purrfect pear--and that is something I have wondered. The only reason I haven''t pursued this as his reason is that everyone in the public eye around us always says how much he loves me--weird huh. He must talk to other people as if I am great and wonderful and he is the perfect husband. Makes me think he is trying to make me look crazy if I complain. Its so hard, because he can be so good sometimes, and when its good, its good. But when its bad, its horrible.
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I know that Purrfect Pear meant well, and we''re all just ''brainstorming'' here, but I don''t think he necessarily regrets being married. I agree that he is undoubtedly an egocentric person, who could possibly be ''punishing'' you for his issues...? Perhaps he despises himself, and enjoys making you suffer alongside him...? In any case, the suggestions are moot. The main issue is to cut through, and make him desire to change - or at least to prevent him causing any more suffering to yourself. Letting him know that you are no longer playing his game might be enough to bring some kind of change!
 
You''ve made the first step in a long journey by coming on here and talking about it, so well done.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it is a cycle that will continue and spiral out of control if you don''t do something about it. It took me 10 years to get where you are now, don''t wait until its too late. You have persevered for 18 months and nothing is going to change unless YOU make it happen. Your DH is in denial, he will not go to counselling cos he doesn''t believe he''s doing anything wrong and you can''t make him go, you have no control over him. You have control over yourself tho! Don''t allow someone else to determine your happiness.

It sounds to me that he wants to be with you but not in the confines of marriage. If he didn''t want to be with you he would have left but he has built up such a resentment towards you because of the whole ''marriage'' thing - which is obviously in his head. I don''t think he''s bi-polar, I think he''s immature. He''s behaving like a petulant teenager, all sweetness and light to everyone else, but huffy and childish when he''s around you. You''ve not higlighted to him the seriousness of the situation or how it is affecting you cos you''re still there with him. Is this what you want for yourself and your future?

Its easier said than done, but take some of the brilliant advice already given, pack a bag, take the dog and go stay with your folks or friends for a while. Forget about what people might say, screw them, think about you. I think taking the dog will make a big point, he''ll be left with nothing in the house to come home to and that will be a huge wake up call for him.

If You Love Something Set It Free
If It Comes Back, It Was And Always Will Be Yours.
If It Never Returns,
It Was Never Yours To Begin With.

Whatever you decide to do, remember - "I love you, but I love me more" - Samantha Jones.

Hope it works out for you.

po
x

 
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