blingalicious
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2008
- Messages
- 11
I must first state that I am a regular poster here--but I signed up for an anonymous account because this is a really hard thing to write about, and my husband knows my screen name here and I don''t want him to see this. I am in a really bad emotional place, and I am so confused right now.
I have reasons to believe that my husband is being emotionally abusive towards me. I realize this may get a little long, so please bear with me--I really want to give an accurate portrayal of what has been going on.
Most of this stuff didn''t start until we got married. When we were first dating, yes, he was a little guarded emotionally, but as time went by he opened up a lot more. He has had a really horrible past--lost both his parents at a young age, and never really recovered from it. I know he has these emotional scars, and for the most part he dealt with them pretty well. He never did see a counselor or therapist for this stuff, and I really wish he would have, but his past happened well before I walked into his life.
We had been married for roughly 3 months and had our first big fight. It was stupid really, we were arguing over a class I needed to take for school. I wanted to take it at one university, he thought I should take it somewhere else. The debate got heated, he got really mad, and said he wasn''t cut out to be husband material. WHAT??!! It totally threw me for a loop. We had just gotten married, and this fight we were having had NOTHING to do with our marriage or relationship--it was about a stupid class. I was so shocked and stunned that I immediately went into protection mode and apologized and said that I loved him and never intended for anything bad to happen to our marriage. He ignored me for the rest of the night, and most of the next day, until he came home from work that next night and basically acted like nothing had happened. I never forgot him saying those words to me, and I knew he was serious--he was one of those people who would cut off his own nose to spite his face. He is very stubborn and would never admit he is in the wrong. So, for the next few months, everything was fine. He was back to the normal loving husband that he had been before the fight, so I pretty much chalked it up to a big fight where he said some things that he didn''t mean and went on with life.
Around our first anniversary, around 7-8 months after this divorce threat fight, all of a sudden he totally flipped on me. It was like we went to bed one night and everything was fine, and he got up the next morning and wouldn''t speak to me. I thought maybe he didn''t feel good, was tired, whatever. The only conversation he would have with me was to say yes, no, fine, thank you. This went on for a month. I kept trying to be upbeat and positive, go about my life, and gradually chip away at his ice cube demeanor. Nothing worked. I was so stressed out by this that I couldn''t eat, couldn''t sleep, pretty much chain smoked, and kept trying to figure out why he was ignoring me. Prior to him getting like this, we were looking at buying a house and starting a family. That got cancelled. After a month of this, he snapped out of it again. But this time, I noticed that the I love you''s stopped. I asked him about it, and he said he just didn''t think about saying it. He would always say I love you too if I said it first, but he made no initiative to say it first. He knew it meant a lot to me to hear him say it because he wasn''t one to throw it around multiple times a day--when he says I love you, its for a special reason. I told him that I really missed hearing him say it, and he said nothing. Everything else went back to normal--after a few months we decided to buy a house and everything was fine.
We had been in our house 4 months when it hit again. This time it was over the christmas holidays. It started shortly after Thanksgiving. He just came home one day and wouldn''t talk. It was total silence at my house when he was home. I absolutely dreaded the holidays because I had no idea what to expect. We drove to see his family in total silence. Once we got there, he was normal loving husband. And was nothing but perfect the entire time we were there. As soon as we got in the car to drive home, he totally shut down again. Total silence until New Years. Then, just as quickly as it hit, he snapped out of it again. But this time, added with the lack of I love you''s, the nit picking started.
Its been 18 months now since I have gotten the extended silent treatment--it happens occasionally but only lasts for at the most a week or so. But I have noticed that he has his public face, and his private face. In public, he will make little jabs in a joking manner, but when we are alone, the jabs are more pronounced. All of our friends and family think he is a great guy--but they never see how he can be. Even when he is totally ignoring me, he will go out of his way to be really nice when we are around other people.
The things he chooses to nit pick about are really ridiculous. He doesn''t like the way I drive, the way I fold his laundry, the way I mop the floor, the way my hair spray gets on the sink, the way I leave the porch light on when I go to bed, etc. If I make a new recipe of some sort, he will search the internet, print off an alternate recipe, and tell me to try it instead. I have never heard the words I am beautiful the entire time we have been together. He stands and ridicules himself and expects me to pump him back up, but if I ever have a "fat" day, forget it. I am very athletic, very fit, and take good care of myself. I dress well, always have my hair and makeup done, and even make a point to wear something a little sexy for him in the bra and panties department. It doesn''t matter though, because he knows I enjoy sex, so he won''t do it if I ask for it. I have to wait for him to want to do it. When we do have sex, he is completely silent the entire time. Its gotten to the point where its getting hard for me to even be turned on by him. Its like he knows what I need emotionally and physically, and then goes out of his way to make sure and NOT do those things. If I get mad about something, I am to the point where I just don''t say anything anymore, because I know if I complain, it will be one more thing I am denied.
He knows what he is doing. He will actually make jokes about not communicating with me. He comes home and showers our puppy with love and affection--and makes sure I see how loving he is to the puppy--but won''t give me any of that same type of affection. He cuddles and plays with him, tells him he loves him, on and on, but I never get that at all. I will say that there is no physical violence at all, if there was I would have already left. He doesn''t cuss or yell, its all emotional games. He will pretty much take anyones side except mine. I took an online quiz to see if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Out of the 20 questions, I answered yes to 10. Anything more than 3 indicated abusive tendencies. I have started having panic attacks. Especially when he is with me in the car. I get so paranoid about his constant critiquing that it just sends me over the edge. I do take medication for the panic attacks, and its helping me, but he is totally against me taking the meds. He is afraid I will get addicted to them--I only take them symptomatically and only if I really need them. Taking them a grand total of 5 times in a month I don''t think makes me addicted to them.
I have an appointment with a therapist set up but they cannot get me in until mid October. I just don''t know what to do. I need any help I can get.
I have reasons to believe that my husband is being emotionally abusive towards me. I realize this may get a little long, so please bear with me--I really want to give an accurate portrayal of what has been going on.
Most of this stuff didn''t start until we got married. When we were first dating, yes, he was a little guarded emotionally, but as time went by he opened up a lot more. He has had a really horrible past--lost both his parents at a young age, and never really recovered from it. I know he has these emotional scars, and for the most part he dealt with them pretty well. He never did see a counselor or therapist for this stuff, and I really wish he would have, but his past happened well before I walked into his life.
We had been married for roughly 3 months and had our first big fight. It was stupid really, we were arguing over a class I needed to take for school. I wanted to take it at one university, he thought I should take it somewhere else. The debate got heated, he got really mad, and said he wasn''t cut out to be husband material. WHAT??!! It totally threw me for a loop. We had just gotten married, and this fight we were having had NOTHING to do with our marriage or relationship--it was about a stupid class. I was so shocked and stunned that I immediately went into protection mode and apologized and said that I loved him and never intended for anything bad to happen to our marriage. He ignored me for the rest of the night, and most of the next day, until he came home from work that next night and basically acted like nothing had happened. I never forgot him saying those words to me, and I knew he was serious--he was one of those people who would cut off his own nose to spite his face. He is very stubborn and would never admit he is in the wrong. So, for the next few months, everything was fine. He was back to the normal loving husband that he had been before the fight, so I pretty much chalked it up to a big fight where he said some things that he didn''t mean and went on with life.
Around our first anniversary, around 7-8 months after this divorce threat fight, all of a sudden he totally flipped on me. It was like we went to bed one night and everything was fine, and he got up the next morning and wouldn''t speak to me. I thought maybe he didn''t feel good, was tired, whatever. The only conversation he would have with me was to say yes, no, fine, thank you. This went on for a month. I kept trying to be upbeat and positive, go about my life, and gradually chip away at his ice cube demeanor. Nothing worked. I was so stressed out by this that I couldn''t eat, couldn''t sleep, pretty much chain smoked, and kept trying to figure out why he was ignoring me. Prior to him getting like this, we were looking at buying a house and starting a family. That got cancelled. After a month of this, he snapped out of it again. But this time, I noticed that the I love you''s stopped. I asked him about it, and he said he just didn''t think about saying it. He would always say I love you too if I said it first, but he made no initiative to say it first. He knew it meant a lot to me to hear him say it because he wasn''t one to throw it around multiple times a day--when he says I love you, its for a special reason. I told him that I really missed hearing him say it, and he said nothing. Everything else went back to normal--after a few months we decided to buy a house and everything was fine.
We had been in our house 4 months when it hit again. This time it was over the christmas holidays. It started shortly after Thanksgiving. He just came home one day and wouldn''t talk. It was total silence at my house when he was home. I absolutely dreaded the holidays because I had no idea what to expect. We drove to see his family in total silence. Once we got there, he was normal loving husband. And was nothing but perfect the entire time we were there. As soon as we got in the car to drive home, he totally shut down again. Total silence until New Years. Then, just as quickly as it hit, he snapped out of it again. But this time, added with the lack of I love you''s, the nit picking started.
Its been 18 months now since I have gotten the extended silent treatment--it happens occasionally but only lasts for at the most a week or so. But I have noticed that he has his public face, and his private face. In public, he will make little jabs in a joking manner, but when we are alone, the jabs are more pronounced. All of our friends and family think he is a great guy--but they never see how he can be. Even when he is totally ignoring me, he will go out of his way to be really nice when we are around other people.
The things he chooses to nit pick about are really ridiculous. He doesn''t like the way I drive, the way I fold his laundry, the way I mop the floor, the way my hair spray gets on the sink, the way I leave the porch light on when I go to bed, etc. If I make a new recipe of some sort, he will search the internet, print off an alternate recipe, and tell me to try it instead. I have never heard the words I am beautiful the entire time we have been together. He stands and ridicules himself and expects me to pump him back up, but if I ever have a "fat" day, forget it. I am very athletic, very fit, and take good care of myself. I dress well, always have my hair and makeup done, and even make a point to wear something a little sexy for him in the bra and panties department. It doesn''t matter though, because he knows I enjoy sex, so he won''t do it if I ask for it. I have to wait for him to want to do it. When we do have sex, he is completely silent the entire time. Its gotten to the point where its getting hard for me to even be turned on by him. Its like he knows what I need emotionally and physically, and then goes out of his way to make sure and NOT do those things. If I get mad about something, I am to the point where I just don''t say anything anymore, because I know if I complain, it will be one more thing I am denied.
He knows what he is doing. He will actually make jokes about not communicating with me. He comes home and showers our puppy with love and affection--and makes sure I see how loving he is to the puppy--but won''t give me any of that same type of affection. He cuddles and plays with him, tells him he loves him, on and on, but I never get that at all. I will say that there is no physical violence at all, if there was I would have already left. He doesn''t cuss or yell, its all emotional games. He will pretty much take anyones side except mine. I took an online quiz to see if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Out of the 20 questions, I answered yes to 10. Anything more than 3 indicated abusive tendencies. I have started having panic attacks. Especially when he is with me in the car. I get so paranoid about his constant critiquing that it just sends me over the edge. I do take medication for the panic attacks, and its helping me, but he is totally against me taking the meds. He is afraid I will get addicted to them--I only take them symptomatically and only if I really need them. Taking them a grand total of 5 times in a month I don''t think makes me addicted to them.
I have an appointment with a therapist set up but they cannot get me in until mid October. I just don''t know what to do. I need any help I can get.
300x240.png)