Emotional Cheating

[tlh]

READ WITH CAUTION, I HAVE MOUNTED A PRETTY HIGH HORSE!!!!

:

gwendolyn- I don''t think really any of us are condemning him... we''re just shooting the breeze. I personally was responding to the topic of what "emotional cheating is" and not really "is he guilty".

Personal experience says this. People that are guilty of emotional cheating... know that they are doing it. There is a little rush you get when talking to that person, and even when you are just talking, a slight touch of the arm, brings a rush of heat to the ole nether-regions. You may not be actually cheating... but the harmless flirting may not be so harmless if you are actually building a relationship with the person. YES you are cheating if you are ACTIVELY BUILDING this relationship with a NEW PERSON and you are getting the slippery slope downstairs... whether or not penetration actually occurs.

MY CLOSEST FRIENDS ARE GUYS. MY SELF ESTEEM IS IN TACT... and I KNOW I AM GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD LOOKING!

Does my DH think anything of me going out with the guys and throwing down a pint w/o him there? Nope. Is there sexual tension, or flirting? NOPE. NADDA. But I used to be a mega-watt flirt. I WAS INSANELY Guilty in a few past relationships of emotional cheating. BIG TIME. I used to fantasize about doin'' it w/ the other person...what kind of lover they''d be... you name it... I thought about it... and I DEFINATELY walked a few lines and can honestly say I WOULD have acted differently if my BF was there. I never sealed the deal.. but honestly, I said to myself, I am building a relationship with this other person, because something is lacking w/ my BF and ... then I''d dump the BF...never for the fantasy, that was old news.

Now, that I am married, I hold my hubby to the highest respect. I know myself, and I can honestly say, I don''t need new friends of the opposite sex when I am getting the warm and fuzzies... DOWN THERE. That heat is reserved solely for my DH.

Tril - you have your man trained well!

Circe - I get ya. Honestly I do. I am a true believer that love can go beyond the genetals of I''m an innie you''re an outtie. I am not condemning just opp sex relationships. I''d be a hypocrite. But if you are feelin'' oozy over someone... it is best to cut the cord, either with your friend, or lover. Because wetness is a physical reaction to emotional cheating.

ALSO on a side note I AM TOTALLY DOWN WITH FANTASY. It is not an issue in itself. But when you are fantasizing of people you know, and you could physically TOUCH, temptation may not get the better of you... but your reactions and you are in the beginning stages of a relationship...

Focker OUT!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/20/2009 9:34:14 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I hear you, Gwen!


I absolutely feel that men and women can be friends post-college. I take issue when you''re confiding in the friend, and not the SO.


However, the fact of the matter is that for heterosexuals, male-male or female-female relationships ARE different than male-female. As much as everyone would like to think they''re not, they are. There is ZERO potential for me to fall in love with a person who is my sex. There is some potential, no matter how small, that a male in my future could spark feelings. Some people are not always so forthcoming with their true intentions, even when you are with yours. It''s not unheard of for a female to take a deep interest in a male colleague, and his girlfriend, to use it to their advantage. I''ve seen friends from my past get close and try to take those men away. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt.


''Oh, tell me all about your girlfriend!'' when she really doesn''t care. I''ve seen it before. It''s annoying. She''s trying to compete.


I don''t feel that men and women can''t be friends... but they do need to acknowledge that the relationship is different than same sex, and just be aware.


Confiding in someone new that isn''t your FI about relationship problems is a red flag, IMO.


FWIW, if a guy at my work confided in me about troubles with his FI. I''d say ''And you''re telling me this because...? Talk to your dang fiance!''

Oh, it absolutely is different! That''s why I generally prefer friendships with men as opposed to other women--maybe it''s just the people I know, but with the guys, there''s overall more jokes and fun and laughing because things don''t deteriorate into bitching or whining or comparing things the way (in my experience) they seem to with women. I have friends who are women, but (ironically) they all say they have lots of guy friends too!

As for the advice you''d give a hypothetical co-worker, elle, I''d say the exact same thing too! Some people need some reassurance or that little (or maybe not so little) kick in the arse to get them to talk to the person they really NEED to talk to about this stuff--the SO. It''s like when people post threads here on PS asking what their boyfriend''s time line is or why he seems to not be ready for marriage--how would any of us know?! We don''t. That''s up for the two of them to work out, but that doesn''t mean it''s problematic that they came to us for that nudge to go talk to their partners in the first place. Maybe if the OP''s friend had PS, he wouldn''t be chatting to some girl at work, but to us instead!

Anyway, until he does something more sinister, I think maybe he''s just found someone who listens who he can bounce his ideas off of. Hopefully she is telling him to talk to his fiancee about anything he mentions to her, or hopefully he is already doing that. Outside perspectives can be really helpful when trying to clear one''s head (especially with nervousness and cold feet, in my experience), but he could become very confused if he isn''t sharing the insights he''s learned from his friend with his fiancee. I still wouldn''t go so far as to call it "emotional cheating," but it would be a sort of lie of omission, which can lead to more troublesome things.

I wish them all the best and hope we''re just seeing this from a bad angle.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/20/2009 9:46:58 AM
Author: tlh
Now, that I am married, I hold my hubby to the highest respect. I know myself, and I can honestly say, I don't need new friends of the opposite sex when I am getting the warm and fuzzies... DOWN THERE. That heat is reserved solely for my DH.

This comment sort of puzzles me. I don't have male friends because they give me any kind of sexual tingly feelings--I think of them like brothers, so, ew, that kind of grosses me out.

Guys (in general, and in my experience) have a different attitude to chicks (again, in general and in my experience), and I find guys much easier to get to know: they're way less competitive, less worried about what other people think, and are just out to laugh and have a good time. No, that doesn't mean flirting or sex--it just means watching football, playing pool or going to the pub to have some laughs. Not sexual feelings involved. At all. Really.

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

It is difficult to say whether it is emotional cheating in this case, as we have very limited information on the situation. He could be heading down a slippery slope - or he could be just looking for a friend to confide in.

I am similar to Gwen in that I find it easier to be friends with guys than with girls. I have many guy friends...friends that I''ve had as an adult and before I started dating SO. The majority of those guys have wives/SOs and I feel nothing sexual towards any of them. I consider my SO my very best friend and always go to him if I have issues with our relationship and otherwise, but I can sometimes talk about relationship type stuff (mine and theirs) with my guy friends as well as my girl friends.

I think emotional cheating can only be determined on a case-by-case basis and not generalized, but that''s just my opinion on the matter.

 

[EyeElle]

Because emotional cheating is so hard to pinpoint, I see how even with what I have said regarding it, it is not enough for anyone to really make a well informed decision. Unfortunately, I myself don''t have all the answers.

To be honest, I felt like I was crossing some sort of boundaries, if I were to ask questions and get into things deeper, so I didn''t ask anything personal.
But I guess that is what got me thinking about this whole thing in the first place. Because I am different from him in the sense that I don''t like to ask personal questions of others and to think that he is willingly sharing it with someone else and seeking her to talk about it makes me uncomfortable (if I were to think of my SO doing that)

I don''t know anything about her, single or not? attractive or not? I don''t even know her name, he always calls her "my friend" so I really don''t know. And I do find it weird that he didn''t even bother to tell me her name, being such a close friend and all, and yet he knows details about her ... like that her birthday is EXACTLY 2 weeks before his.

I see all the different points everyone is making, but even myself I am not sure what to think of it if it was my SO with this relationship.

I know I wouldn''t like it, not because she is a girl, but because that is how relationships (for the most part) start .... you meet someone you get along with, then you get closer to them and start sharing your worries and your wishes for your future, and then you realize you want the same thing, and then you start spending time together outside of work .... and next thing you know it really is cheating.

I think its safe to assume from things he said, that they don''t go out after work together, but they talk ALOT through emails and texting. Not sure if that is relevant or not.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Everyone is different, so emotional cheating is different for everyone.

If my fiance started talking about a girl or to a girl, there would be huge red waving flags with fireworks and trumpet fanfare. He is not a social butterfly, does not easily form surface or meaningless "friendships", and in general keeps to himself unless he has his close good friends around. With his buddies, he is the life of the party. The only girls he ever hangs around are his friend's wives or girlfriends and he does not get personally close to them. It was a wonder that he ever even approached me, but he said that he knew he wanted to date me, so he stepped out of the shell and made it happen. It was not natural for him, but he talked to me because he wanted to date me.

So yeah, if he started hanging out with this cool girl at work and telling her his problems and concerns, we'd have an issue to address.

As for me, I make friends with bricik walls. I've always had really close guy friends, but if I am honest with myself, I can see that most of those were surrogate boyfriends and those friendships would be inappropriate in my life now. I have definitely changed my interaction with male friends now that I am engaged. I would not consider hanging out alone with any guy except maybe HIS best friends who are like my brothers. It made me a bit sad at first and was an awkward transition, but this is part of forsaking all others. In my opinion, there are just some thing which are considered inappropriate for married or engaged people, whether it is "cheating" or not. I do not ever want to do anything that could be considered inappropriate or shady, either by my fiance or by our friends and family.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

I don''t want to be, but I am completely a jealous type girlfriend. It used to be out of control, but now it''s underwraps. Does that mean I don''t feel it? No. But I do know when it''s OKAY to feel like that- when a relationship your significant other starts to make you feel uncomfortable.

There are many flags that a person can notice- being more secretive and hiding things like their cell phone messages and call logs... I don''t know if this person has any of these things going clearly because there isn''t enough information, but I think it''s kind of strange he even mentioned her in the first place. If he just got engaged, wouldn''t you think he would just be feeling so lovey dovey and in love?

I think what trillionaire said about how her SO called her after work is not how EVERYONE should be, but that''s how I think if people who are devoted to each other. If your friend wants to talk to "his friend" from work when he sees something that makes him think of her, I think that''s almost going to far. Its like she is on his mind even when out of work. Ha this is clearly all hypothetical but these are things that make me think of the "emotional" part...