Eating disorders - what can a friend do?

[LLJsmom]

Has anyone had a friend that they watched go through an eating disorder? Did you do or say anything? I've read that you have to be very sensitive in this situation as saying anything can set them off in one direction or another. Is there anything that you have down or said that helped? I'm so sad and worried. I do know this person had a history of it many years ago but they said they got over it. Now they are going through some life changing hard times. Feeling very helpless...

 

[LaraOnline]

A reasonably close friend has had a very bad eating disorder for many years...so much so that she is regularly hospitalised, and her front teeth have fallen out. She also has a tendency to collapse and once had a bad car accident due to fainting at the wheel.
at one stage during one of her relapses I felt so concerned for her that I couldn't sleep and became very agitated about her behaviour.
I gave her newspaper articles that discussed 'signs and how to help', and I also contacted her husband to say that we were concerned and would do what we could to help.
Result? She froze me out for some years, and the relationship will never go back to how it was, although I'm sure she now feels warmly towards me.
When she dies prematurely as a result of her disorder, I will feel equanimous. I did what I could, I expressed how I felt, but ultimately how she chooses to live her life is her her decision to make. And it's a decision she makes every day.

 

[sonnyjane]

Has anyone had a friend that they watched go through an eating disorder? Did you do or say anything? I've read that you have to be very sensitive in this situation as saying anything can set them off in one direction or another. Is there anything that you have down or said that helped? I'm so sad and worried. I do know this person had a history of it many years ago but they said they got over it. Now they are going through some life changing hard times. Feeling very helpless...

Hi. I was on the other side - had an eating disorder for 10 years. It's hard to see through the fog when you're in that state. My friends never confronted me about having a disorder per se, but they knew I was losing weight and when they made comments it had two effects - it either reinforced that my disorder was working and that I looked thin, or it made me angry with them.

Is she open about her eating disorder, or does she still think she's "getting away with it"?

I'd say the BEST you could get away with without upsetting her would be something like "I know you're going through a hard time right now. I want you to know that I'm here for you if you ever need anything." Other than that it's REALLY hard to break through. If her having the disorder before was public knowledge and you just suspect that she's relapsing, you could say something like "I know times are tough right now and I wanted to make sure you feel comfortable talking if your old thoughts creep back", but that's only if you're close I'd say.

It's a super tough situation, I'm sorry!

 

[ponder]

I had a coworker who had a relapse with bulimia and my assistant and I were the only ones who knew. The ladies room was on my side of the office sandwiched between my assistant's and my office. I was not as aware at first as I was commonly with a client after lunch, but my assistant would regularly hear her purge and as I became more aware of what was going on, I would too. We did not have the type of relationship with her that would allow us to confront her directly, so I enlightened someone else in the office who could. Thankfully they were able to approach her family and help her get back into treatment. I felt a little bad for "tattling" at the time, but it was for the best.

 

[kenny]

I have zero expertise on the topic but my gut tells me there is nothing anyone can do.
Sadly, I think it is the person's private and personal issue to recognize and resolve, if ever.

I can't imagine any topic that an affected person would feel is more private.

I'd say nothing and behave normally.
Just be a good friend.

 

[LLJsmom]

I hear you all. And that is what articles say. Saying anything would make it worse. But it is so hard and disturbing to watch a person slowly kill themselves, and do nothing. Because that is essentially what it is, depriving your body of the basic nutrition it needs to do what it has to do to keep you alive.

She knows I am there for her. I will tell her again though.

 

[Sky56]

I have a cousin who is 85 lbs and somehow has made it to age 63 being in this anorexic state since her 20's. It drove her mother crazy. My relationship with her is good, and I don't talk about her weight with her. She keeps her apartment really hot, I think her body is unable to stay warm otherwise.

 

[MollyMalone]

I hear you all. And that is what articles say. Saying anything would make it worse. But it is so hard and disturbing to watch a person slowly kill themselves, and do nothing. Because that is essentially what it is, depriving your body of the basic nutrition it needs to do what it has to do to keep you alive.

She knows I am there for her. I will tell her again though.

It's wonderful that you are being sensitive. But I really disagree with the idea that saying anything will make it worse. Sure seems as if as if there were not an eating disorder history, you would express caring concern. And none of the ED support/treatment resources I know of endorses the proposition that caring family members and friends should say nothing, e.g.,
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/family-and-friends
http://www.anad.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/How-to-Help-Someone-2013.pdf
http://renfrewcenter.com/sites/default/files/LearningTheBasics_AnIntrotoED_0.pdf

Can't tell if you have observed that your friend is much thinner and/or exhibiting other symptoms of ED or if your concern is that the stressors in the friend's life will trigger a ED relapse, but have apparently not yet done so. That info would make a difference in how I would phrase the overture. If the latter, I'd speak as I would with any other friend who's in the midst of hard times. If, on the other hand, you've observed behaviors more specific to EDs, then I'll encourage to refer to those in your overture, e.g., "I know that life is dealing you a tough hand, that you dealt with anorexia [or bulimia or whatever] years ago & I've noticed that you've lost a lot of weight in the past month. I'm concerned about you, so want to let you know that I'm here for you & I would be honored if you'd share with me, whether that's now or another time, about what's going on, how I can be of help, support you."

Sure, the odds are that raising the topic won't propel the friend into treatment-recovery (assuming she is in need of it), but saying nothing actually reinforces the ED sufferer's typical self-loathing, feeling that they are not worthy & other distorted perceptions, including denial and self-imposed isolation. Being open with her invites her to be more open with you, that you are comfortable with "taboo" topics, that such is not shameful -- even if that is not her immediate reaction.

I reached out last night to a longtime friend of my family who was anorexic through adolescence and early adulthood and then founded years ago an ED support-education nonprofit that later merged with others into what's now the National Eating Disorders Association. She said you should feel free to call the Association's Help Line -- the toll-free number is in the left-hand sidebar of the 1st web page I linked above -- to brainstorm about this. And she asked me to tell you, "Thank you for caring, LLJsmom, and giving voice to your caring concern".

 

[LLJsmom]

Molly, thank you so much for taking the time to respond, reaching out to a friend and providing these resources. I will look these up and spend some time in the sites when I get home. I am very grateful. I will keep you updated. And thank you to everyone!!

 

[monarch64]

ED's are very deep-rooted. You cannot change her behavior but you can offer support WITHOUT making her think you're making a big deal out of it. I would tread very lightly if I were you. As a former anorexic with bulimic tendencies (yes, that was my actual diagnosis) I can tell you that if someone had made any comment about my weight loss or said I was looking a little on the too thin side that would have only encouraged me. And when you are in the throes of restricting or bingeing/purging if someone notices or wants you to "get well" you just learn to hide it better. I'm sorry your friend is going through this. It's tough.

 

[sonnyjane]

ED's are very deep-rooted. You cannot change her behavior but you can offer support WITHOUT making her think you're making a big deal out of it. I would tread very lightly if I were you. As a former anorexic with bulimic tendencies (yes, that was my actual diagnosis) I can tell you that if someone had made any comment about my weight loss or said I was looking a little on the too thin side that would have only encouraged me. And when you are in the throes of restricting or bingeing/purging if someone notices or wants you to "get well" you just learn to hide it better. I'm sorry your friend is going through this. It's tough.

This was exactly my experience as well.

 

[Kaleigh]

Its all in how you say it. You could be like look this happenened to me and if you ever want to talk, I am here for you. If I got the wrong vibe sorry. We just look out for one another...

I did have one after losing my brother in >93
Now doing divoce , taking its toll on me. Health, faith and all that matters,. I am not strong, but a good fighter,,,,

 

[Calliecake]

Other than letting her know you are there for her if she needs to talk there really isn't much you can do. If she has a past history of having an eating disorder and is going through a difficult time it's very easy to fall back into that familiar pattern. Hopefully she is talking with a professional. If someone dealing with this doesn't want to be helped unfortunately there is little else you can do.

Kaleigh, I'm new to Pricescope but have been a lurker for quite awhile. You come off as a very strong person and definitely a fighter. Don't sell yourself short. You truly seem like an amazing woman.

 

[monarch64]

ED's are very deep-rooted. You cannot change her behavior but you can offer support WITHOUT making her think you're making a big deal out of it. I would tread very lightly if I were you. As a former anorexic with bulimic tendencies (yes, that was my actual diagnosis) I can tell you that if someone had made any comment about my weight loss or said I was looking a little on the too thin side that would have only encouraged me. And when you are in the throes of restricting or bingeing/purging if someone notices or wants you to "get well" you just learn to hide it better. I'm sorry your friend is going through this. It's tough.

This was exactly my experience as well.

Hugs. Thanks for the backup, Sonny.

 

[LaraOnline]

Well I'm glad to hear it is better to say SOMETHING, for myself I knew I was unlikely to be received well but I had to speak at least for my own conscience, at the end of the day it is inhuman to meet with a person daily or regularly and just...let her slide away.

My friend regularly changes doctors or even, occasionally, jobs (she's a nurse, so can move jobs relatively easily) to avoid any direct treatment of her screamingly obvious problem. Now, however, there are a bunch of other health issues she can discuss. Even she has gotten to the point where she knows she has to make some move, no matter how tiny, towards improving her overall health care...in baby steps...

I'm sure even at the time she knew that I was concerned, and for that reason I am comfortable with my fairly gentle attempt to reach out for her. I also hope that deep down I may have helped in some way. But it is a situation she has protected since early adolescence. (in her 40s now) She was mostly upset with my phone contact with her husband I think, but dang it I know the man socially and I knew he was suffering as well...

 

[FrekeChild]

I would not make ANY comments about her appearance. As others have implied, that can very easily backfire and encourage her to continue. I would also not make any comments about your eating habits/dieting, because those can also backfire.

Often, eating disorders are a means of control. When patients who suffer from them feel as though they don't have control over other things in their lives, they often turn to not eating/eating minimally or binging and purging because it's something they can control. You haven't mentioned what kind of eating disorder it is, so I'm being a bit vague. There are many types of eating disorders and disordered eating.

Does she have a regular mental health care professional that she sees? What has helped her before?

I would just be there for her as much as possible and express to her that you care about HER and her well being, not that you are *only* concerned about her mental health issues.

Eating disorders are a constant battle. It's not like alcoholism or another addiction issue where you can abstain from it. You are in a constant state of battling your brain telling you one thing, and having to eat to survive. She will be battling this for her entire life.

Thank you for being a caring friend.