Dream problem?

[Autumnovember]

Since I know so many of you here are extremely intelligent, I'm hoping someone can give me some kind of insight or advice.

My problem is that I am continuously having dreams about one particular person. These dreams happen at LEAST once a week. This particular person hurt me tremendously emotionally going back 6 years ago. I was very young at the time of this event in my life so I was a lot more fragile and weak minded than I am now. The 'hurt' that this person inflicted on me.....completely destroyed me. In fact, I have a really hard time remember anything that was going on in my life for the two years after the fact. So in these dreams, this person is asking me for forgiveness and asking me to accept them back in their life so that we could repair the damaged relationship and start over knew. This person is acknowledging and taking responsibility for their past actions in my dreams. We're not always in the same location or talking about the same things in every dream. I clearly remember seeing my engagement ring on my finger in every dream I've had (since my engagement) so we are in the present day. I remind this person I'm engaged. All this person wants to do is hug me and never let go. This person in the dream is NOT over bearing with expressing their emotions but they make it evident that they are regretful for what has happened. The dreams feel VERY VERY real. More real than any other dreams I have ever had. It's almost like we are both simultaneously having these dreams in the real world and "meeting" in dream land....thats how real it feels. Before my dreams end, I tell this person its time to go.

I swear I'm not making any of this up. Its' extremely weird and I really wish it would stop. NOW.

Having these dreams is torturous for me. I don't WANT to think about this person but these dreams do not allow me to forget and move on. It's like subconscious is keeping me as a prisoner.

Does anyone have any insight?

 

[Circe]

Autumn, I think our minds work in similar ways. I've had dreams like the ones you describe, and about a number of people. I think it's my subconscious's way of trying to provide the closure that I haven't gotten in real life. The problem is, it doesn't provide closure - it just reminds me of things I'd prefer to put behind me!

So, techniques. Have you ever heard of lucid dreaming? You try to recognize that you're dreaming while in the middle of the dream. I can do this about half the time - when I realize something is "wrong" (like, say, the "tell" of having wedding rings on in a dream about someone I haven't spoken to since my marriage). If I'm not sure whether or not I'm dreaming, I check my watch - it's apparently a fact that in dreams, time runs weirdly, so your mind usually can't consistently tell you the right time. And once you realize you're dreaming, you can affect the dream: I love to fly in dreams, so I try to redirect my mind into that sort of a dream instead. Meditation & visualization can help to train your mind to work this way - I know it sounds New Age-y and twee, but it does work.

Given how you're describing this person in real life, I would not contact them in reality. I'm guessing that being in a period of transition with the engagement might be raising subconscious concerns. Would you be open to going to therapy, maybe, and seeing if talking it out helps?

 

[dragonfly411]

Autumn- I went through something similar with my ex. What I realized for me was that my subconscious was ready to let go of that horrible past and move forward with my life. When he did the things he did to me, and I left, I never actually dealt with the things he had done to me. I created a mental basement and locked it all in there. The problem with that was that I never was able to embrace the happier things that surrounded the bad, like my very dear friend whom I lost last year. Two years of my life became this utter blank that I wouldn't allow myself to remember. I finally had a point where I had more dreams about him, and in my dreams he was trying to become friends with me again. I realized that I also started letting my old memories of GOOD things re-surface. That was when I realized that I needed to deal with all of it, the pain, the memories, the damage he had done, the mental and emotional damage, and then I needed to let it go. Perhaps this is the same for you?

 

[Autumnovember]

Autumn, I think our minds work in similar ways. I've had dreams like the ones you describe, and about a number of people. I think it's my subconscious's way of trying to provide the closure that I haven't gotten in real life. The problem is, it doesn't provide closure - it just reminds me of things I'd prefer to put behind me!

So, techniques. Have you ever heard of lucid dreaming? You try to recognize that you're dreaming while in the middle of the dream. I can do this about half the time - when I realize something is "wrong" (like, say, the "tell" of having wedding rings on in a dream about someone I haven't spoken to since my marriage). If I'm not sure whether or not I'm dreaming, I check my watch - it's apparently a fact that in dreams, time runs weirdly, so your mind usually can't consistently tell you the right time. And once you realize you're dreaming, you can affect the dream: I love to fly in dreams, so I try to redirect my mind into that sort of a dream instead. Meditation & visualization can help to train your mind to work this way - I know it sounds New Age-y and twee, but it does work.

Given how you're describing this person in real life, I would not contact them in reality. I'm guessing that being in a period of transition with the engagement might be raising subconscious concerns. Would you be open to going to therapy, maybe, and seeing if talking it out helps?

I think I am able to lucid dream. The problem is, and I guess maybe I wasn't being honest, is that I don't want the dream to end. I want the apology. I want him (you both already know it is an ex) to miss me. I never got closure. It's when I wake up that I'm like "ugh again?" and then other times it feels bitter sweet.

I think I should really go talk so someone about it. It impacted me more than I think I wanted to admit (6 years later and I'm still stuck on this?!?!). I feel crazy. My SO knows about it and two of my best friends know as well. None of them ever know what to say (they were all my best friends when all of this happened to me...so they watched my downfall).

I guess I feel like if I go and talk to someone I still won't get the closure I want. My ideal closure would be this person apologizing to me in real life and admitting the mistakes that were made. About 4 months ago me and him had a quick conversation (because he refused to talk about it) and I said something along the lines of, "it was a lot harder for me than it was for you...it destroyed me as a person for the next two years of my life (I was literally like a ghost those two years)" and he told me that it was a lot harder for him than he thought I knew. That has been the closest it has come to talking about any of it and I doubt it will ever go further.

 

[Autumnovember]

Autumn- I went through something similar with my ex. What I realized for me was that my subconscious was ready to let go of that horrible past and move forward with my life. When he did the things he did to me, and I left, I never actually dealt with the things he had done to me. I created a mental basement and locked it all in there. The problem with that was that I never was able to embrace the happier things that surrounded the bad, like my very dear friend whom I lost last year. Two years of my life became this utter blank that I wouldn't allow myself to remember. I finally had a point where I had more dreams about him, and in my dreams he was trying to become friends with me again. I realized that I also started letting my old memories of GOOD things re-surface. That was when I realized that I needed to deal with all of it, the pain, the memories, the damage he had done, the mental and emotional damage, and then I needed to let it go. Perhaps this is the same for you?

That is exactly how I was for a solid two years after all of this happened. I was blank. My best friend will talk about moments and memories that happened during the two years after the situation happened and I'll tell her I have no recollection. It completely puzzles her . She'll try to remind me and I just can't remember. She did suggest that this is a problem I buried very deeply. After it all happened my solution to escaping my feelings and emotions was sleeping all the time. I didn't want to live in reality. I lived in my dreams (I sound cuhhh-raaaazy). It was just easier that way. Consciously, I still think about it sometimes (not because I want to but because it just happens). I try to tell myself that I have to let go and let it be in the past and forget about it. I'll go for a few months not thinking about it and then it just resurfaces. It's like trying to kill a fly that just won't die. I think the fact that I'm older now actually makes things worse because I realize everything for what it is now. I see things now that I didn't want to see when I was younger and it makes the entire problem worse. The fact that he couldn't even congratulate me on my engagement probably was another significant factor in resurfacing everything again.

 

[Glitz]

I'm with Circe about not approaching him IRL. He sounds like a toxic person to be around. I have experienced dreams similar, where my ex will want to get back together with me and try to move forward from where we left off. I've been in a healthy relationship for over 5 years, but this ex that would appear was an awful person and left me emotionally damaged for sometime after we broke up. I am able to become lucid in dreams, and my dreams do seem like a second life that I'm able to lead. What I did when he would come into my dreams was tell him that he's lost his chance, I've moved on and I'm in a better place in my life now.

Maybe thats what you need to do is have closure, but in the dream state, not IRL. Tell him everything you want to in your dreams, yell at him if you have to, let him know everything you went through because of him. Hopefully after getting all of that out in dream state you'll be able to find closure and he'll stop appearing in dreams. Good Luck!

 

[Autumnovember]

Oh and I should mention that I have done the "out of sight, out of mind thing" but he doesn't really allow for that to go so smoothly. Reason being? When I was in college I got a call at 4 AM from him out of the blue. He was definitely drinking and he just wanted to "talk"....another time, he walked 2 hours to my house barefoot while he was drinking/on drugs and woke me up at 5 AM (by throwing rocks at my window) and when I came outside he apologized to me for everything. I had to take him back to wherever he came from and he purposely got us lost because he "wanted to spend more time with me" and apologize some more. The most recent one was less than a year ago when he sent me a message over facebook (he was drinking, of course) and told me that I looked good and the conversation went from there (about his trip that he just took and things like that). So anytime I *DO* forget about him it is as if he knows and reappears in my life. It is a very very vicious cycle. He refuses to be normal friends with me but every now and then he'll feel friendly and have two hour long conversations with me and then forget about me for up to a year. It is a very very weird situation. SO knows about all of this too and has his own opinions on him (since SO is older and wiser than this other guy). He knows it has been an ongoing issue with me...

 

[dragonfly411]

Autumn - I don't know that I really have an answer to help you unfortunately. I can say that for myself, I really wish I had the money for therapy, and I really wish I could go without telling anyone. My family has never implied that they realize I have issues from this past relationship. Most recent SO (do I still call him SO? Don't I?) Anyways, he put up with many of my issues. I wasn't trusting, I was afraid of any kind of sexual relations, I was paranoid, jealous, I had nightmares. I still watch my back, waiting for my ex to show up and try to corner me (which he did at that friend's funeral). Unfortunately therapy hasn't been an option for me and I don't know that it ever will. I also don't know whether I will ever be able to a) fully admit out loud all of the things he did to me and b) recover from them. I don't know that I'll ever be whole again. I don't know if any of this sounds similar for you, but if you do discover some way to deal with it, or find some way to find closure, I'd love to know so I can know for myself too.

 

[Autumnovember]

I'm with Circe about not approaching him IRL. He sounds like a toxic person to be around. I have experienced dreams similar, where my ex will want to get back together with me and try to move forward from where we left off. I've been in a healthy relationship for over 5 years, but this ex that would appear was an awful person and left me emotionally damaged for sometime after we broke up. I am able to become lucid in dreams, and my dreams do seem like a second life that I'm able to lead. What I did when he would come into my dreams was tell him that he's lost his chance, I've moved on and I'm in a better place in my life now.

Maybe thats what you need to do is have closure, but in the dream state, not IRL. Tell him everything you want to in your dreams, yell at him if you have to, let him know everything you went through because of him. Hopefully after getting all of that out in dream state you'll be able to find closure and he'll stop appearing in dreams. Good Luck!

I'm going to try that in the next dream I have. In all of the previous ones, I always just feel sorry for him and I almost egg him on to keep apologizing so that he could be at my mercy (like I was at his). I'm very interested in reading more about lucid dreaming. The dreams with him are the only dreams I am able to have control over. I wonder if there are any therapists who specialize in something with dreams...I don't know. I feel so screwed up! He seems so sincere in these dreams and its part of the reason that I think I sometimes like them. It has to stop....I know it does, so I'm going to try "telling him" to go away. When I *do* tell him what damage he has done he just tells me he is completely aware of what he has done.

There is 0 chance I'm going to contact him in real life. No way. He'll definitely think I'm insane and he doesn't really deserve to know about my emotions anyways. I was THISCLOSE to contacting him recently and I stepped back for a few days, cleared my mind and thought "absolutely no chance in hell will I talk to him"....so that option is out completely.

 

[princesss]

Hun, go talk to somebody. Really. You ened to move on from this guy. You will NEVER get closure - honestly, I think closure in situations like this is a total myth, and searching for it will wreck the life you're living. And for what? To put the past in the past? It's already there. But you can put a stop to your need to look for it. Talking to a professional could definitely help you recognize ways you can let go of the situation and move on.

I dated a guy that was awful to me, and the rebuilding process took a very, very long time. But the whole time I spent searching/hoping for closure and explanations kept me from focusing on the present and the future. These dreams aren't happening for any reason but something in YOUR subconcious is bothered by this. He isn't required to do anything - talk to you, congratulate you on your engagement, explain why he treated you the way he did. Any healing you do from now one will be independent of him. He will not be a participant in it, and the sooner you accept that, the easier it will be to move on by yourself.

Sorry to be so blunt, but as somebody that's been there and come out the other side, you've got to realize that YOU have all of the power in this situation, but you're giving it to him and letting him keep controling and hurting you. Take that power back and use it, honey!

ETA: Next time he pulls a stunt like walking to your house, call the cops. You've got a drunk guy throwing things at your window. When he calls, don't pick up. Set his number to "IGNORE". Block him on FB. See if the phone company will block him from calling you. Build a fortress around yourself and don't let him break it down.

 

[Autumnovember]

Autumn - I don't know that I really have an answer to help you unfortunately. I can say that for myself, I really wish I had the money for therapy, and I really wish I could go without telling anyone. My family has never implied that they realize I have issues from this past relationship. Most recent SO (do I still call him SO? Don't I?) Anyways, he put up with many of my issues. I wasn't trusting, I was afraid of any kind of sexual relations, I was paranoid, jealous, I had nightmares. I still watch my back, waiting for my ex to show up and try to corner me (which he did at that friend's funeral). Unfortunately therapy hasn't been an option for me and I don't know that it ever will. I also don't know whether I will ever be able to a) fully admit out loud all of the things he did to me and b) recover from them. I don't know that I'll ever be whole again. I don't know if any of this sounds similar for you, but if you do discover some way to deal with it, or find some way to find closure, I'd love to know so I can know for myself too.

I think concrete answers in these situations don't exist....but sharing similar experiences helps tremendously sometimes.

I have no clue if insurance would cover for a few therapy sessions for me but if it does I'll go. I think the people around me are afraid to tell me that I have a problem because they're afraid of my reaction. What they don't know is that I *already* know I have a problem and I have known that for a very long time. Instead of making me untrusting and jealous, he made me severely question my self worth for a long time. At the young and very impressionable age I was at, these problems magnified themselves and became very intense. I too, don't know if I will ever be whole again either. He robbed me of two years of my life and I think anyone who has been through something similar can agree that it is very difficult to bounce back completely from something like that. If I somehow figure out a way to get some closure, I promise to share.

 

[dragonfly411]

P.S. I refuse to have any contact with my guy. I changed my phone number because he always called. Until this new truck, I've been terrified of keeping a vehicle longer than a year or two in case he sees me in it somewhere and can recognize it. I'm always terrified that he'll track down where I live, or where I work and show up there. Recently I learned he moved out of city, so I'm not AS worried (thus buying a vehicle that I know will be long term). I recommend a no contact rule for you.

 

[dragonfly411]

Autumn - I don't know that I really have an answer to help you unfortunately. I can say that for myself, I really wish I had the money for therapy, and I really wish I could go without telling anyone. My family has never implied that they realize I have issues from this past relationship. Most recent SO (do I still call him SO? Don't I?) Anyways, he put up with many of my issues. I wasn't trusting, I was afraid of any kind of sexual relations, I was paranoid, jealous, I had nightmares. I still watch my back, waiting for my ex to show up and try to corner me (which he did at that friend's funeral). Unfortunately therapy hasn't been an option for me and I don't know that it ever will. I also don't know whether I will ever be able to a) fully admit out loud all of the things he did to me and b) recover from them. I don't know that I'll ever be whole again. I don't know if any of this sounds similar for you, but if you do discover some way to deal with it, or find some way to find closure, I'd love to know so I can know for myself too.

I think concrete answers in these situations don't exist....but sharing similar experiences helps tremendously sometimes.

I have no clue if insurance would cover for a few therapy sessions for me but if it does I'll go. I think the people around me are afraid to tell me that I have a problem because they're afraid of my reaction. What they don't know is that I *already* know I have a problem and I have known that for a very long time. Instead of making me untrusting and jealous, he made me severely question my self worth for a long time. At the young and very impressionable age I was at, these problems magnified themselves and became very intense. I too, don't know if I will ever be whole again either. He robbed me of two years of my life and I think anyone who has been through something similar can agree that it is very difficult to bounce back completely from something like that. If I somehow figure out a way to get some closure, I promise to share.

Mine did that to me too. To the point that I thought I was worth nothing. The jealousy came in when I found out he'd been cheating on me with several others.

 

[Autumnovember]

Hun, go talk to somebody. Really. You ened to move on from this guy. You will NEVER get closure - honestly, I think closure in situations like this is a total myth, and searching for it will wreck the life you're living. And for what? To put the past in the past? It's already there. But you can put a stop to your need to look for it. Talking to a professional could definitely help you recognize ways you can let go of the situation and move on.

I dated a guy that was awful to me, and the rebuilding process took a very, very long time. But the whole time I spent searching/hoping for closure and explanations kept me from focusing on the present and the future. These dreams aren't happening for any reason but something in YOUR subconcious is bothered by this. He isn't required to do anything - talk to you, congratulate you on your engagement, explain why he treated you the way he did. Any healing you do from now one will be independent of him. He will not be a participant in it, and the sooner you accept that, the easier it will be to move on by yourself.

Sorry to be so blunt, but as somebody that's been there and come out the other side, you've got to realize that YOU have all of the power in this situation, but you're giving it to him and letting him keep controling and hurting you. Take that power back and use it, honey!

I'm afraid to be let down by therapy sessions/make it worse. That's really the biggest reason I haven't gone. You're right, this quest for closure is never going to happen and moving on from it is really in my own hands completely.

I agree with everything you said, don't apologize for being blunt!

Just to clear something up---he was never horrible to me during our relationship. Our relationship was too good to be true, actually. It was the aftermath that left me the way that it did.

 

[Autumnovember]

P.S. I refuse to have any contact with my guy. I changed my phone number because he always called. Until this new truck, I've been terrified of keeping a vehicle longer than a year or two in case he sees me in it somewhere and can recognize it. I'm always terrified that he'll track down where I live, or where I work and show up there. Recently I learned he moved out of city, so I'm not AS worried (thus buying a vehicle that I know will be long term). I recommend a no contact rule for you.

My number is new now so he definitely cannot contact me over the phone anymore. Facebook is a different story. I *could* block him but I don't want to be 'that' person. He'll know. And I really don't want him to think I still think about him but blocking him or deleting him will make that loud and clear and I really really want to avoid that at all costs.

It doesn't help that we share a mutual best friend. My best friend is his best friend.

 

[Glitz]

Glad to hear you won't contact him in real life. There's lots of info on the internet about lucid dreaming, but to some people it just comes naturally. I've always lucid dreamed, but recently I bought a lapis lazuli ring that I wear to bed when I want my dreams to be very realistic. Now I'm the one sounding like a crazy person but I swear this ring helps me. The key is to realize that your dreaming while you're in the dream, once you know that it's a dream you're easily able to control the turn of events that happen, then you'll be able to confront this loser and lay it all out there. Don't fall for his BS, even in dreams. This dude sounds like a f'n nut job, I'm sorry that he keeps coming into your real life too. I hope that you're able to cut all your loose ends with him, in real life and in dreams.

My advice is to deal with this whatever way you feel is right for you, I'm not big on therapy. I actually went a few times after my apartment fire. I think it made things worse, the therapist actually would bring things up that I never thought of before like "I bet the sound a fire truck bring back those memories" and I was like "No but now they will, thanks jerk!". I feel like you have a good head on your shoulders and you realize that this guy is a loser and you're so much better than him. Coming from a toxic history of relationships I can say that they've only made me stronger and wiser, it sounds like you're similar. I'm also a big fan of the Law of Attraction, so for every thought that you have about him, try having 3 more thoughts about how great your life with your FI is now and how great its going to be.

Lapis Lazuli, "the Pharaoh’s Stone" has been worn to enhance wisdom, prophecy, and foresight for thousands of years. Today it is still used to enhance the user's ability to make wise choices, to increase psychic ability, and to lucid dream. Sleep with a piece of Lapis Lazuli under your pillow to create a deep dream state and to facilitate the understanding of your dreams once awake.

 

[Autumnovember]

Glad to hear you won't contact him in real life. There's lots of info on the internet about lucid dreaming, but to some people it just comes naturally. I've always lucid dreamed, but recently I bought a lapis lazuli ring that I wear to bed when I want my dreams to be very realistic. Now I'm the one sounding like a crazy person but I swear this ring helps me. The key is to realize that your dreaming while you're in the dream, once you know that it's a dream you're easily able to control the turn of events that happen, then you'll be able to confront this loser and lay it all out there. Don't fall for his BS, even in dreams. This dude sounds like a f'n nut job, I'm sorry that he keeps coming into your real life too. I hope that you're able to cut all your loose ends with him, in real life and in dreams.

My advice is to deal with this whatever way you feel is right for you, I'm not big on therapy. I actually went a few times after my apartment fire. I think it made things worse, the therapist actually would bring things up that I never thought of before like "I bet the sound a fire truck bring back those memories" and I was like "No but now they will, thanks jerk!". I feel like you have a good head on your shoulders and you realize that this guy is a loser and you're so much better than him. Coming from a toxic history of relationships I can say that they've only made me stronger and wiser, it sounds like you're similar. I'm also a big fan of the Law of Attraction, so for every thought that you have about him, try having 3 more thoughts about how great your life with your FI is now and how great its going to be.

Lapis Lazuli, "the Pharaoh’s Stone" has been worn to enhance wisdom, prophecy, and foresight for thousands of years. Today it is still used to enhance the user's ability to make wise choices, to increase psychic ability, and to lucid dream. Sleep with a piece of Lapis Lazuli under your pillow to create a deep dream state and to facilitate the understanding of your dreams once awake.

He was 100% nut job in college, no doubt about it. He was NOT like that when we had our relationship and he seems to be normalizing since he moved out of state and away from his nut job friends. Anyways, besides the point!

I'm interested in this ring! I never did any research on lucid dreaming but I have been able to control a lot in my dreams with him so if I can somehow have complete control, I'm all for it!

Very interesting about the Law of Attraction----I will try that for sure.

Increase psychic ability? Oh boy! I already have -some- abilities, and it freaks me out...but that could be very interesting too.

Where can I get this??

 

[dragonfly411]

autumn - It sounds to me like the power is believed to be in the stone, so perhaps even just the loose stone would help to start, and then have it mounted.

 

[violet3]

Oh and I should mention that I have done the "out of sight, out of mind thing" but he doesn't really allow for that to go so smoothly. Reason being? When I was in college I got a call at 4 AM from him out of the blue. He was definitely drinking and he just wanted to "talk"....another time, he walked 2 hours to my house barefoot while he was drinking/on drugs and woke me up at 5 AM (by throwing rocks at my window) and when I came outside he apologized to me for everything. I had to take him back to wherever he came from and he purposely got us lost because he "wanted to spend more time with me" and apologize some more. The most recent one was less than a year ago when he sent me a message over facebook (he was drinking, of course) and told me that I looked good and the conversation went from there (about his trip that he just took and things like that). So anytime I *DO* forget about him it is as if he knows and reappears in my life. It is a very very vicious cycle. He refuses to be normal friends with me but every now and then he'll feel friendly and have two hour long conversations with me and then forget about me for up to a year. It is a very very weird situation. SO knows about all of this too and has his own opinions on him (since SO is older and wiser than this other guy). He knows it has been an ongoing issue with me...

get away from this person as soon as you can. I mean get all the way away from this person -- do not have conversations with him at 4 a.m. and if he shows up to your house at 5 a.m., call the police. I am not kidding - whoever HE is, he has done a severe number on you, whether you realize it conciously or subconciously. he doesn't sound NORMAL in any way -- so why on earth would you expect this person to be a "normal" friend to you? Why would you WANT to be his friend?

I'm not saying this to sound mean, but i'm sure it does anyway. please please please take my words of tough love as gently as you can. I've been in your situation - i could be reading my own life years and years ago. Other friends of mine have been in your situation. GET. OUT. NOW. At least stop allowing the contact with this person - YOU have the ability to take control of this situation, but you aren't doing it. You are allowing the situation to control you, by saying "he doesn't let me forget him because he calls me and comes to visit." I repeat - YOU have the ability to control this situation, but you aren't doing it. its really easy (and cowardly) to put the blame on someone else as opposed to owning up to the fact that you are LETTING this happen to you. I know because i did it and i regret it. Stop talking to him....period.

It sounds to me that you have quite a few things to separate here but you are lumping it all together.

1. the relationship between you and this man needs to end. now.

2. you are having dreams about this man - hey, that's ok. Our subconcious works in odd ways. You probably don't want him back, but you want him to feel badly for what he did. I remember the feeling well. Eventually, that goes away, but it certainly won't if you keep in contact with this co-dependent, destructive person. You should talk to a therapist about these dreams - it sounds like it would help.

3. YOUR FIANCEE -- listen, i'm not saying you have conflicting feelings about your fiancee, but i'm not saying you aren't having them either. I'm glad that you are being honest with your fiancee. Try very hard, however, to make sure you are taking his feelings into account while dealing with this. How would you like it if this were the reverse situation?

If you want my story, it got as bad as this person calling in the middle of the night from across the country to tell me he was going to kill himself. I waited up until 6 a.m. to go see his parents and tell them. You know what? that was my fault. My fault that he assumed he could call and i WOULD answer. My fault that he manipulated me over and over because i let him. take a lesson from me -- it doesn't help him any more than it helps you to enable a co-dependent relationship with a manipulator. period.

(hugs) you probably hate me right now, but i wish someone would have woken me up back then.

 

[Autumnovember]

autumn - It sounds to me like the power is believed to be in the stone, so perhaps even just the loose stone would help to start, and then have it mounted.

Amazon.com? I'll get googling!

 

[violet3]

p.s. you don't want to be "that person" on facebook? be that person. trust me. who cares if he knows?

 

[princesss]

Hun, go talk to somebody. Really. You ened to move on from this guy. You will NEVER get closure - honestly, I think closure in situations like this is a total myth, and searching for it will wreck the life you're living. And for what? To put the past in the past? It's already there. But you can put a stop to your need to look for it. Talking to a professional could definitely help you recognize ways you can let go of the situation and move on.

I dated a guy that was awful to me, and the rebuilding process took a very, very long time. But the whole time I spent searching/hoping for closure and explanations kept me from focusing on the present and the future. These dreams aren't happening for any reason but something in YOUR subconcious is bothered by this. He isn't required to do anything - talk to you, congratulate you on your engagement, explain why he treated you the way he did. Any healing you do from now one will be independent of him. He will not be a participant in it, and the sooner you accept that, the easier it will be to move on by yourself.

Sorry to be so blunt, but as somebody that's been there and come out the other side, you've got to realize that YOU have all of the power in this situation, but you're giving it to him and letting him keep controling and hurting you. Take that power back and use it, honey!

I'm afraid to be let down by therapy sessions/make it worse. That's really the biggest reason I haven't gone. You're right, this quest for closure is never going to happen and moving on from it is really in my own hands completely.

I agree with everything you said, don't apologize for being blunt!

Just to clear something up---he was never horrible to me during our relationship. Our relationship was too good to be true, actually. It was the aftermath that left me the way that it did.

Oh, sweetie, those are the worst! Right after the awful guy I dated this guy that I was head over heels for. I completely crumbled when he dumped me. Just...shattered. And since I wasn't ready for the break up, I ate up any kind of contact he wanted to have, would hang out with him just to be around him. Whether or not he knew how damaging that would be, it killed me. My journal from the almost year it took for me to recover is pathetic. I ended up going to therapy for a while for a variety of issues, and one of the things it did for me was teach me how to accept the situation as it really is not as I was idealizing it and not to sit there saying, "If only..."

By contacting you the way he is, he's being selfish. He's doing it because it makes him feel good/in control/like he's not being a jerk. So be equally selfish! Refuse to let him have another second of your time. Just because he was good to you when you were dating doesn't mean he has any right to disturb your life like this.

 

[Autumnovember]

p.s. you don't want to be "that person" on facebook? be that person. trust me. who cares if he knows?

I'm not strong enough yet, I guess

There is a part of me that enjoys knowing he sees my happiness. I'm f*cked up, I know.

 

[Autumnovember]

Hun, go talk to somebody. Really. You ened to move on from this guy. You will NEVER get closure - honestly, I think closure in situations like this is a total myth, and searching for it will wreck the life you're living. And for what? To put the past in the past? It's already there. But you can put a stop to your need to look for it. Talking to a professional could definitely help you recognize ways you can let go of the situation and move on.

I dated a guy that was awful to me, and the rebuilding process took a very, very long time. But the whole time I spent searching/hoping for closure and explanations kept me from focusing on the present and the future. These dreams aren't happening for any reason but something in YOUR subconcious is bothered by this. He isn't required to do anything - talk to you, congratulate you on your engagement, explain why he treated you the way he did. Any healing you do from now one will be independent of him. He will not be a participant in it, and the sooner you accept that, the easier it will be to move on by yourself.

Sorry to be so blunt, but as somebody that's been there and come out the other side, you've got to realize that YOU have all of the power in this situation, but you're giving it to him and letting him keep controling and hurting you. Take that power back and use it, honey!

I'm afraid to be let down by therapy sessions/make it worse. That's really the biggest reason I haven't gone. You're right, this quest for closure is never going to happen and moving on from it is really in my own hands completely.

I agree with everything you said, don't apologize for being blunt!

Just to clear something up---he was never horrible to me during our relationship. Our relationship was too good to be true, actually. It was the aftermath that left me the way that it did.

Oh, sweetie, those are the worst! Right after the awful guy I dated this guy that I was head over heels for. I completely crumbled when he dumped me. Just...shattered. And since I wasn't ready for the break up, I ate up any kind of contact he wanted to have, would hang out with him just to be around him. Whether or not he knew how damaging that would be, it killed me. My journal from the almost year it took for me to recover is pathetic. I ended up going to therapy for a while for a variety of issues, and one of the things it did for me was teach me how to accept the situation as it really is not as I was idealizing it and not to sit there saying, "If only..."

By contacting you the way he is, he's being selfish. He's doing it because it makes him feel good/in control/like he's not being a jerk. So be equally selfish! Refuse to let him have another second of your time. Just because he was good to you when you were dating doesn't mean he has any right to disturb your life like this.

They ARE the worst! I used to do exactly what you described. Not anymore. IF for whatever reason we have to be in the same room, it is kept very civil.

He's been selfish since the day we broke up and he still is so it definitely explains his selfishness in regards to contacting me. Plus, he just doesn't care.

 

[violet3]

p.s. you don't want to be "that person" on facebook? be that person. trust me. who cares if he knows?

I'm not strong enough yet, I guess

There is a part of me that enjoys knowing he sees my happiness. I'm f*cked up, I know.

i knew you would say exactly this. I'm NOT judging you at all autumn - don't say you're ****ed up. it's all very confusing when you are in the middle of it. But this, needing him to feel sad because you are happy now, IS all a part of a co-dependent relationship. Just the fact that you are happy now *should* be good enough for you.

Please consider therapy - it will help. See how here at PS you can really express yourself? My guess is that you've never been so honest with your real friends in life. that's because you have anonymity here - you'll have the same thing in therapy. But you'll have someone with a degree and experience in the subject to help you through it.

You are strong enough. strong enough to block this jackass on facebook, and strong enough to go to see a therapist. You just have to choose it.

 

[Autumnovember]

p.s. you don't want to be "that person" on facebook? be that person. trust me. who cares if he knows?

I'm not strong enough yet, I guess

There is a part of me that enjoys knowing he sees my happiness. I'm f*cked up, I know.

i knew you would say exactly this. I'm NOT judging you at all autumn - don't say you're ****ed up. it's all very confusing when you are in the middle of it. But this, needing him to feel sad because you are happy now, IS all a part of a co-dependent relationship. Just the fact that you are happy now *should* be good enough for you.

Please consider therapy - it will help. See how here at PS you can really express yourself? My guess is that you've never been so honest with your real friends in life. that's because you have anonymity here - you'll have the same thing in therapy. But you'll have someone with a degree and experience in the subject to help you through it.

You are strong enough. strong enough to block this jackass on facebook, and strong enough to go to see a therapist. You just have to choose it.

It's both. I have satisfaction knowing he looks (yeah...a friend did a bad thing and snooped his history on his laptop--I had no part in it) and its also him seeing I blocked him and him thinking "HA--she is still tortured by me"....miserable.

I'll start looking into therapy. I just need to figure out a place where my insurance can cover it or something...

I have been very honest about all of this with my mom only.


Thank you for the advice, I will take it

I can't believe he defeated me again. Unreal.

 

[violet3]

p.s. you don't want to be "that person" on facebook? be that person. trust me. who cares if he knows?

I'm not strong enough yet, I guess

There is a part of me that enjoys knowing he sees my happiness. I'm f*cked up, I know.

i knew you would say exactly this. I'm NOT judging you at all autumn - don't say you're ****ed up. it's all very confusing when you are in the middle of it. But this, needing him to feel sad because you are happy now, IS all a part of a co-dependent relationship. Just the fact that you are happy now *should* be good enough for you.

Please consider therapy - it will help. See how here at PS you can really express yourself? My guess is that you've never been so honest with your real friends in life. that's because you have anonymity here - you'll have the same thing in therapy. But you'll have someone with a degree and experience in the subject to help you through it.

You are strong enough. strong enough to block this jackass on facebook, and strong enough to go to see a therapist. You just have to choose it.

It's both. I have satisfaction knowing he looks (yeah...a friend did a bad thing and snooped his history on his laptop--I had no part in it) and its also him seeing I blocked him and him thinking "HA--she is still tortured by me"....miserable.

I'll start looking into therapy. I just need to figure out a place where my insurance can cover it or something...

I have been very honest about all of this with my mom only.


Thank you for the advice, I will take it

I can't believe he defeated me again. Unreal.

Step #1. Start thinking of the effects of these actions on YOUR life and not how they will or will not make him feel. You should block him from facebook for YOU, so you can get out of this "connection" to this man. From here on out, ONLY think about what's healthy for YOU. this is how you move forward with YOUR life. Don't think about how your actions affect him positively or negatively. And stop thinking about what he thinks about you. who cares.

Step #2. Don't ever post another sad face about yourself, or say you are ****ed up, or that he has defeated you. You are NOT defeated! You are "out loud" recognizing that you need to deal with this problem once and for all. That is PROGRESS! You can only be defeated if you let someone defeat you. Being self depricating is yet another way to allow yourself to do things you know you shouldn't.

You have the capability to be a strong, successful woman. start believing in yourself.

 

[dragonfly411]

Autumn - block the Facebook. Do it today. Don't worry about what he thinks, or feels.


I agree with EVERYTHING violet just said. You are strong, and beautiful and smart, and you have someone who loves you and treats you well..... Don't you EVER post a sad face about yourself. Don't think of yourself as messed up, and don't think he has defeated you.

Do me a favor. Go google Maya Angelou's Still I Rise. Read it. Report back.

 

[Autumnovember]

Autumn - block the Facebook. Do it today. Don't worry about what he thinks, or feels.


I agree with EVERYTHING violet just said. You are strong, and beautiful and smart, and you have someone who loves you and treats you well..... Don't you EVER post a sad face about yourself. Don't think of yourself as messed up, and don't think he has defeated you.

Do me a favor. Go google Maya Angelou's Still I Rise. Read it. Report back.

That is an awesome poem...very very inspiring. I need to be THAT.

 

[Autumnovember]

p.s. you don't want to be "that person" on facebook? be that person. trust me. who cares if he knows?

I'm not strong enough yet, I guess

There is a part of me that enjoys knowing he sees my happiness. I'm f*cked up, I know.

i knew you would say exactly this. I'm NOT judging you at all autumn - don't say you're ****ed up. it's all very confusing when you are in the middle of it. But this, needing him to feel sad because you are happy now, IS all a part of a co-dependent relationship. Just the fact that you are happy now *should* be good enough for you.

Please consider therapy - it will help. See how here at PS you can really express yourself? My guess is that you've never been so honest with your real friends in life. that's because you have anonymity here - you'll have the same thing in therapy. But you'll have someone with a degree and experience in the subject to help you through it.

You are strong enough. strong enough to block this jackass on facebook, and strong enough to go to see a therapist. You just have to choose it.

It's both. I have satisfaction knowing he looks (yeah...a friend did a bad thing and snooped his history on his laptop--I had no part in it) and its also him seeing I blocked him and him thinking "HA--she is still tortured by me"....miserable.

I'll start looking into therapy. I just need to figure out a place where my insurance can cover it or something...

I have been very honest about all of this with my mom only.


Thank you for the advice, I will take it

I can't believe he defeated me again. Unreal.

Step #1. Start thinking of the effects of these actions on YOUR life and not how they will or will not make him feel. You should block him from facebook for YOU, so you can get out of this "connection" to this man. From here on out, ONLY think about what's healthy for YOU. this is how you move forward with YOUR life. Don't think about how your actions affect him positively or negatively. And stop thinking about what he thinks about you. who cares.

Step #2. Don't ever post another sad face about yourself, or say you are ****ed up, or that he has defeated you. You are NOT defeated! You are "out loud" recognizing that you need to deal with this problem once and for all. That is PROGRESS! You can only be defeated if you let someone defeat you. Being self depricating is yet another way to allow yourself to do things you know you shouldn't.

You have the capability to be a strong, successful woman. start believing in yourself.

I'm really really going to try my best. I'll start looking into therapists in my area.

Its like I know what I -need- to do and I know that it's for -me- and not him its just actually getting the courage to do it.