drama......already?

[mimzy]

yikes

i guess i should preface this by saying that my mom and i have always had a great relationship and have only been in two or three real fights since i was old enough to have an opinion.

with that said....

about a month ago i made the mistake of mentioning to her that my ff had picked out a setting and was searching for a center stone. i did it out of excitement and i thought that she was someone that i could share that with. i knew that she had some minor concerns about my FF, but i thought they had been resolved over the past few months - so wrong.we were talking on the phone today and she started attacking him for the most asinine things, things that she knows absolutely nothing about (example: she thinks he won''t be a "participant" in our future kids lives because he once made a joke that he was scared of babies - reality: he constantly talks about how he is going to raise our kids and the things that he is going to do with them and how cool it is going to be). THEN she started saying things like how my stepbrothers and their wives probably won''t be able to make it to the wedding if we had it in march because they have to work (um...they aren''t all teachers: people work all year round. it would be on a saturday.WE made it out of town for THEIR weddings. again - totally asinine.)She also said things like how it seems like he is "dragging his feet". excuse me?!?! I would not say that taking a lot of time to make sure the setting and stone are absolutely perfect qualifies as "dragging his feet".(it''s a handmade piece and they had to have the dimensions of the emerald cut stone before they could start production). then in the same breath she accuses me of rushing the whole thing and pressuring him into it. she finished off the round by insulting me personally calling me immature and saying that i don''t care about family.

i realize that i dug myself a hole by mentioning it in the first place - but now i am really concerned that the engagement isn''t going to be the joyous occasion that i was expecting it to be. I told her that i didn''t want to talk about it anymore because i didn''t want to have any negative feelings attached it it, but i''m afraid it might be too late. she has said in the past that she just felt the need to "voice her concerns"....but she''s "voices" them at least once a week. i want to maintain a good relationship with my mom, but i''m going to just let her constantly rip on my FF for completely unfounded reasons (and believe me, they are completely unfounded) and continuously question my choices.

my FF says that she is just hurt because i don''t visit her as often as i used to (we live an hour away and i am ALWAYS the one who goes up to visit her and my stepdad). if that is the case then that is easily remedied. but i have a feeling that it is more than that (i didn''t exactly detail all of her concerns about him to him...). how do i get her to lay off the criticism and maintain our relationship? i know i could just back off from her, but that isn''t something i really want to do - i would hate to go through the engagement period and not have my mom involved....but then again do i really want to share the excitement and spend the energy on someone that really isn''t all that happy about it?

the one strangely good thing that has come out of it is that i have gotten over the idea of having a feb/march 08 wedding and have reserved myself to a dec/jan wedding for next year...something i didn''t expect would happen. i''m also feeling much better about the idea of waiting another month or two for the actual engagement. strange, eh?

sorry i am constantly long winded. i guess i just needed to vent...sorry again.

 

[luckystar112]

Ah, a classic case of a mother who thinks she''s trying to help, but is really just being obnoxious. I know all too well.

I hope she puts on her big girl pants, for your sake!

 

[lsyama]

Sorry to hear about your situation!

For the most part, my mom behaves herself. But sometimes she points things out in my boyfriend and questions whether he''s marriage material. I tend to ignore it, since I know she isn''t seeing the whole picture.
She has also hinted that I should get married back in Hawaii (where my family is from) and implied that my idea of getting married where I live now (California) was selfish. (I felt like asking her if she even considered the fact that my boyfriend''s family is from the East Coast, and a Hawaii wedding wouldn''t exactly be convenient for them.)

Anyhow, I''ve been assuming she does these things out of concern, over-protectiveness, and maybe a little bit of possessiveness (doesn''t want to "lose" me to my boyfriend). Maybe it''s something similar for your mom?

Good luck with working things out, and I hope that your mom can be happy for you and your ff when you do get engaged!

 

[happilyeverafter]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation mimzy. everyone wants their mom to be as excited as they are about the whole engagement/marriage/wedding process. Big hugs from me to you.

My only thoughts are maybe you could mention it to her that it hurts your feelings that she questions the very person you love with all your heart and have chosen to spend your life with. You can maybe even make her feel good by saying that FF is SO excited to become your mom''s future son-in-law (what mom wouldn''t want to hear that!) and also so excited to start and raise a family when the time is right. You never know, she may only be voicing her doubts to make you think of these things and to make sure you are extra sure that he''s the one for you. Of course you already know that, but leave it to moms to triple-check in a less-than-tactful manner

Engagements and weddings can sometimes bring out a different side of people. If all else fails, at least you and your FF have time on your side, to prove your love and happiness and how great of a father he''ll be. She''ll see in time.

 

[Jewels305]

Mimzy, I am so sorry that your mother has put a damper on your excitment for the upcomming engagement. I completely understand where your coming from, as I have had similar arguments with my father about my ff. He too feels that he needs to "voice his concerns" (I laughed out loud when I read that in your post because that''s exactly what my father said) about some "red flags" he has seen in my relationship. The truth is, my ff and I, and you and your ff, are the only ones who truly know all of the intricacies of the relationship. Your relationship is between you and your ff, not you, your ff, and your mother.
I think parents "voice their concerns" sometimes because they have moments of fear when they realize that this is really happening; their daughter (or son) is growing up. I do not think that your mother is trying to hurt you or your relationship, I honestly don''t. I think that when you told her that the ring was in the works, she kind of, well, freaked out.
The last time that my father voiced his concerns (about 2 weeks ago) I finally decided to say something back. I told him that sometimes I didn''t feel that he really thought about how much his words were hurting me, and that he has said some things that I will never be able to forget. I became too emotional to continue the conversation, so I went out and did some errands and when I came home he was waiting for me. We talked things out and he said he just wants me to be happy and that he has no problem with my bf; he likes him and knows he will always be good to me. He said if we end up getting married (which he knows we want to do) he would happy with that.
I have a good relationship with my father, just as you do with your mother, so I think it was important to address the issue, so as to thwart any resentment on either side.
The best thing I can suggest is to sit down and talk to her. You could tell her that you want to address any problems now because you want to maintain what you believe is a good relationship between the two of you. She needs to understand that he is not dragging his feet, and you are not pressuring him. This is important because when it does happen, you want to be able to be happy, and it is important she be happy for you too. The fact is, you are going to get engaged, get married, and eventually have kids. I am sure you and your ff haven''t made any of those decisons without a lot of thought and reflection both individually and as a couple. I bet she knows it too- you just have to remind her of that and let her know that her being behind the decisions you and your ff have made and will make as a couple would mean the world to you. Good luck!

Julie

 

[bee*]

aww sorry to hear that mimzy. That must be awful to hear your mum saying things like that. Is there anyway you can sit her down (maybe in person is best) and just talk to her about how much it''s hurting her. The whole baby comment is silly-I say that Im scared of babies all the time and at the moment, ff would run if I handed him a baby. We both know though that in the future we will probably try to conceive. Maybe she needs to spend a bit more time with him. Im quite lucky in that I have the most relaxed mother in the world-It will be my dad that will probably be at me!

 

[Delster]

Mimzy I''m so sorry your Mum isn''t supportive right now. I can completely sympathise, as it seems we all can! What is it about the mother-daughter dynamic?!

I''m sure your Mum doesn''t realise she''s being cruel. She likely feels like she''s looking out for you, or she thinks she''s being helpful. That doesn''t excuse her not considering how hurtful her remarks can be though! You say you have a good relationship, then I think you should talk to her. Tell her you love her and value her opinion but that all of the things she is concerned about you have discussed with your FF (you don''t need to tell her the details of your relationship) and that she doesn''t need to be concerned for you. She should be proud you have built a strong relationship with your FF and that you are entering into this new part of your life well prepared and happy!

And please don''t beat yourself up for having wanted to share your joy with her. That is only natural and I am sure that when the time comes she WILL be super excited for your engagement!!!

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

Mimzy,

This is a very unfortunate situation...you shouldn''t have to feel this way about someone whom you consider as one of your best friends.

Recently, the more voicetrous I get about getting engaged, the more my mom feels she has to add her own 2 cents. I agree with the above said, sometimes its them being overprotective. I too have a wonderful relationship/friendship with my mom, the best of my three sisters I would say. So she also confides in me just like I confide in her.

So even though we are talking about getting engaged, we still have arguments and there are still things we work on in our relationship, that will forever be the case. Marriage is work just like a relationship at this stage is work. So anyway I share my frustrations about my FF with my mom sometimes. And she always hints toward that frustration being a reason we arent ready for marriage. When in reality, it is her that isnt ready for her baby to get married!

Even though it is extrememly hurtful, I have to realize she is doing it out of love. The most productive way for me to handle it is by pointing out what she said as being hurtful and unsupportive. I feel like when she makes those comments, she is also ruining a little part of our friendship. When i point these things out it always makes her think twice and the situation has only gotten better.

I hope your situation will follow suit and only get better! GOOD LUCK!

 

[mimzy]

once again, thanks girls.

what all you said is true - i realize it is out of protectiveness and wanting to help and point out "red flags" (she used that term at least a dozen times too!).

fortunately she called me today and apologized for what she said yesterday and assured me that from now on i have her unconditional support and that she is happy for me. what's more is that she admitted that i am in fact happier than i have ever been (something she once said then yesterday denied), which is what meant the most. another really nice thing to hear was that she did want to be involved in the planning as much as i wanted her to be. she also really surprised me by saying that i shouldn't let the idea of tension or naysayers stop us from getting married when we want to (i.e. sooner rather than later). it was definatly a good conversation, and i was able to tell her all the things that i was prompted to on this wonderful forum. i also posed the idea of getting the four of us together (me my ff, mom and stepdad) so that if they wanted to they could voice their concerns and they could hear from him directly (although i think she was a little intimidated by that idea..)

i'm just glad it was short-lived. i hope that all those other, let's say, "hesitant" parents out there come around and can get over their compulsions to "voice their concerns"

 

[shminbabe]

Date: 8/21/2007 4:30:25 PM
Author: mimzy
once again, thanks girls.

what all you said is true - i realize it is out of protectiveness and wanting to help and point out ''red flags'' (she used that term at least a dozen times too!).

fortunately she called me today and apologized for what she said yesterday and assured me that from now on i have her unconditional support and that she is happy for me. what''s more is that she admitted that i am in fact happier than i have ever been (something she once said then yesterday denied), which is what meant the most. another really nice thing to hear was that she did want to be involved in the planning as much as i wanted her to be. she also really surprised me by saying that i shouldn''t let the idea of tension or naysayers stop us from getting married when we want to (i.e. sooner rather than later). it was definatly a good conversation, and i was able to tell her all the things that i was prompted to on this wonderful forum. i also posed the idea of getting the four of us together (me my ff, mom and stepdad) so that if they wanted to they could voice their concerns and they could hear from him directly (although i think she was a little intimidated by that idea..)

i''m just glad it was short-lived. i hope that all those other, let''s say, ''hesitant'' parents out there come around and can get over their compulsions to ''voice their concerns''

Yes, but now you''ve cleared the air between you and I''m guessing it makes you feel closer to her. I think good relationships are those where people can "voice their concerns" and then apologize and be forgiven, if need be. That''s reality. I''m glad you and your mom hung in and got through it!

jeannie