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don't love my ring- should i live with it or change?

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luckymiel

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 23, 2012
Messages
3
Hi all,

I don't really know where to begin so i'll try to keep it short. (HA)
I got married 3 months ago (engaged exactly a year ago) and I do not like my engagement ring.
When we got engaged my fiance insisted on doing it himself with VERY limited guidance. I sent him to a place I love (i'll leave their name out since I really don't feel this was their fault) and it turns out that he basically figured he could get anything and it would be fine since i sent him there. It was very uncharacteristic of him - he's usually a big thinker, researcher etc. but I basically ended up with a setting I'm not into and a vintage stone that was very lopsided and pretty dark in color. After a couple weeks of wearing it I explained that i didn't want to hurt his feelings but that the "lopsided" shape of the stone was really bugging me and would he mind if we looked into options- cut to me by myself in this showroom having to make a snap decision between stones and spending $3000 more to get a new stone that I still do not like. I spent the rest of the year trying to get used to it and to love it for what is symbolizes rather than just the material aspect of things. I figured I shouldn't change anything until after the wedding and that maybe I would feel differently after we tied the knot but I just really don't like the way it looks. I go a couple weeks without wearing anything and then give it a try in hopes I'll feel different but it just makes me feel guilty for not being grateful in the first place and there is no meaning attached to it because it isn't even the stone that he bought for me anymore. Even if I knew he had slaved over choosing it that would make it more meaningful, but I know that he didn't do that either.Truth is, I'd be happy with a diamond half the size if it was a setting/ring that I loved.

So....my question is this. For people who did resets or changes to their original rings... do you regret it at all? If i'm going to change should i start from scratch or keep this diamond and just get a new setting? Any words of wisdom from people who went through this? I'm pretty sentimental, but I'm also practical and having a $12,000 piece of jewelry I don't enjoy just makes no sense to me. It would be nice for the two of us to go out together and pick something but maybe I'm just not being realistic.

PHEW. Sorry for the novel and thanks for reading.
 
Long story short, you gotta get what you love. You gave it a fair shot but it's not growing on you. I'd start from scratch.

Also, let this serve as a cautionary tale to the many men posting in here lately that insist they want it to be a "total surprise" and therefore refuse to ask their beloved for input. BIG MISTAKE!
 
It seems to me for a $12,000 purchase, you two should have gone together to select your ring in the first place. I am not in the man should do all the choosing and surprise the woman with such an expensive purchase. Most times, she isn't surprised by the engagement anyway.

Yes, go shopping together now to select a ring that you like. Marriage is about love and communication, and you two should be in agreement on this.

In my case, I lived with a tiny diamond, because it was all we could afford, for 25 years before I got my upgrade. Now, my ring sparkles and makes me smile whenever I look at it. Your ring should be beautiful and give you pleasure to wear. I hope your new husband, even if a ring isn't important to him, will understand how important this very special piece of jewelry is to you.
 
We are very open in our relationship so DH has never minded my upgrades. I am sentimental about certain things yet not for others. My E-ring and setting has been upgraded many times over the years but the marriage and sentiment remains strong. I've not only upgraded in size but also cut and shape. You have to be happy and proud to wear it but at the same time make sure he's all right with it all. In your shoes, I'd start by doing a lot of deep thinking and intense research to be sure of what I'd want. Start over fresh but not be hasty.
 
I think that if he truly loved you, he would understand how you are feeling, even though he may not necessarily understand why something like a piece of jewelry could actually cause emotions.

I totally changed my engagement ring recently because the one I had just did not sparkle and the setting was just not delicate enough for my small hands. After wearing it for almost 9 years, I truly felt it was time to change things. it took some strong convincing before hubby agreed to dish out some $ fo me to change/upgrade, but I kept telling myself that if I kept things to myself, it would never happen and I had a strong desire to get something that I truly loved and admired.

Keep your communication open... should be a good start to your marriage. Good luck! Show us some before and after pics!
 
25 years ago, DH surprised me with a yg solitaire, you all know the setting. It was lovely, and I loved it, but I'd always wished for something...else. Three years ago, at our 20th anniversary, I reset it. Still simple, but now a wg split shank cathedral with an octet head. I don't regret the change at all, though I still think I may add something to it yet. Side stones to make a three-stone? pave on the now plain shank? I haven't consulted with either my jeweler or DH about that, but I will when the time is right, probably closer to our 25 anniversary.

The relationship evolves over time, why shouldn't the ring(s)?
 
I'd talk to him about it. Maybe get a new one for a first anniversary gift. And this time, pick it out TOGETHER, and spend the intervening time researching and going to different jewelry stores and trying absolutely everything on, and don't buy on until you both look at it and feel it is absolutely perfect. You may want to start now with selling your engagement ring - get it appraised, make sure the stone is certed, and look into your options. Then just wear your wedding band over the next few months as you go shopping. If you pick it out together, even if it's two years after the relationship, it will probably still have a lot of the sentimental value.
 
I'm now wearing my 4th e-ring (same husband). I first upgraded for better cut and color, 2nd time for the size, 3rd time for a bigger jump in size and cut. We did not keep the original stone as it was very dull, and we never regretted it. To me, having an e-ring on my finger symbolizes our life together. if our life continues to grow and evolve, why not the e-ring too?

If you don't like it, change it!
 
I don't believe you should have to settle and "live with it." just explain to your hubby how you feel, express to him what you told us. Next time around, take your time. Hopefully you have a trade-in policy. It doesn't matter how much you've spent, you should get what will make you happy.
 
I think you should talk to your husband about changing it. I think you should love your ring! Your marriage is so new that whatever ring you get will still have a lot of meaning, and that sentiment will grow as the years go by. It just doesn't seem right, and seems sad to me that you don't have an ering you feel good about and want to wear.
 
Hi luckymiel,

I am new here myself and know very little about diamonds, but one thing I have learned from the helpful folks here is that it is possible to have diamonds recut to look much better. Can you post the color, size, shape, clarity of your stone? You can ship your stone/ring to Brian Gavin, or another trusted PS vendor, to be evaluated and for not that much money ($350 per carat in the case of BGD) your stone could possibly be made into something you would love.

Of course, if it is possible to return your ring entirely, recoup all or most of the $12k, and start from scratch, I would recommend doing that. But if you can't do so without losing a lot of money, a recut is a very cost-effective option. I really think you should love your ring and be involved in choosing it. Just my $.02!
 
Interesting suggestion, sugarski!

Of course, on PS you are going to meet the girls that decided not to 'just live with it'! :bigsmile: By the time I found PS, four years into the marriage, I was starting to feel like my 'dainty' little set was as gorgeous as a steel ring pull.

Many of us started our diamond love affair either shopping for our ER, or replacing the one that circumstances dictated in the first instance.

I understand your frustration at how things have gone for you regarding this ring. It is not often that a woman has this kind of budget at her disposal, and for her man to insist on the element of surprise shows an element of reckless romance lol :tongue:

My man was the opposite - incredibly encouraging as he set my budget - $600 - and asked every day whether I'd 'found my ring' yet. Three months later, he was starting to wonder if I was embarrassed about getting engaged??!! ::)

So let's just say many roads lead to PS.

I wonder if you could post pictures of your ring? I am curious how an eager fiance-to-be can manage to spend such a large budget and end up with such a disillusioned bride. :o I wonder how much it costs to recut a stone?

When you say you 'don't like the way it looks', praps now's the time - amongst us jewellery nut cases - to sit down very carefully and think of what elements you actually dislike. Regarding the stone: is it the shape? a lack of sparkle? etc etc And then to the setting: is it too plain? Too over-the-top?

When it comes to finding something you DO like, whatever you do, DON"T RUSH. I was caught up in Princess fever for a few months, and then, very slowly, started to drill down on what it was I actually wanted. (I'm talking upgrade from the original here).

I ended up with a Tiffany-style knife-edge solitaire, 1.1/ F/ SI2 totally eyeclean mrb (very soon after to 1.6, which was just perfect) with a plain matching knife-edge wedder. In YG! You'd think that all my lurking and PSing I'd have at least chosen WG or plat with diamond band lol.

So, the whole journey is personal. No-one can really tell you what you want. Not your man, and not us.

And when it comes to budget, the longer you wait, the more certain you will be when you finally jump. Trust me on this lol, I must have been sweating over PS for nearly two years before I finally pulled the trigger. And...i've never looked back! :wink2:

Best tip I've got? go for a place with a great upgrade policy. :lol:
 
I'm not sure if you don't like your stone or setting or both. But my first stone was poorly cut and I wouldn't wear it. After finding PS I took the plunge and had it recut. It wasn't expensive, I love the stone now and it has been reset. (into a pendant but that's because it was pretty small and after 25 years I got a bigger upgrade)

Would you like your ring more if it was a better cut stone?
 
Sounds like you've given it a good try and simply don't like it. Don't beat yourself up over it - just move on. I would explain to him how I felt and ask him to go shopping with you.

Do you have any pictures of the current ring? Hard to know exactly what direction to point in you as we have no visual of what you are wearing now. Will the store that the stone came from upgrade for you? Your next move hinges on whether they would or whether you would need to sell this ring outright to be able to start over.
 
Lara is right - the first step to having a set that you LOVE is to figure out exactly why it isn't working for you now. Don't change it just to change it...make sure you're moving in the direction of happiness. Pick a flattering shape that draws your attention, a color that looks 'right', the metal that compliments your skin, a setting you can imagine wearing forever.

Bottom line: of course I would change a ring I did not like. It's ultimately up to your husband - consent to (embrace?) a change so that your wedding set is proudly worn regularly, or stubbornly insist on the sentimentality (practicality?) of the old one that never gets worn. I know what option *I* see as most rational! :bigsmile:
 
justginger|1353761447|3313952 said:
Lara is right - the first step to having a set that you LOVE is to figure out exactly why it isn't working for you now. Don't change it just to change it...make sure you're moving in the direction of happiness. Pick a flattering shape that draws your attention, a color that looks 'right', the metal that compliments your skin, a setting you can imagine wearing forever.

Bottom line: of course I would change a ring I did not like. It's ultimately up to your husband - consent to (embrace?) a change so that your wedding set is proudly worn regularly, or stubbornly insist on the sentimentality (practicality?) of the old one that never gets worn. I know what option *I* see as most rational! :bigsmile:
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+1
 
Take it from me, you will go YEARS looking at other potential rings as purchases and never be satisfied. Trade it in and get a new one.
You are just married and you can start fresh - you have the rest of your life to make this new e-ring a sentimental ring.

Another piece of advice - get the one u love - get the best one u can afford. If u can't afford the one u really want, size, color etc, then wait and save up for it. Don't waste your money on something halfway there because in a few years you will be here with the rest of us looking to upgrade. You will save a lot of money in the long run.

$12k! OMG - please trade it in and get yourself something gorgeous. It is on your hand - don't u want to be excited about wearing it? If you aren't now, you won't be later. I am in the same boat - SEE MY POSTS - LOL. I got a new ring 2 yrs ago and it's gorgeous but I bought it for the diamond, I'm not into the setting so much - I am, but not from every angle. Anyway, I intended to put it in a square setting , because I don't like round shapes! Well, I still have it and although I LOVE the stone - it is exquisite, I am not jazzed about the setting - and I have been looking for 2 YEARS already for the "perfect" setting - still haven't found it.

Definitely turn it in and get a new one......please!!!
 
I advise starting over, but definitely do NOT take him shopping with you at first! He obviously wasn't into the diamond shopping experience the first or second time since you felt rushed to pick out something the second time that still didn't work!!!

After getting his agreement to redo the ring, you need to contact the jeweler and ask them to call in some GIA Excellent cut diamonds that are in your budget (assuming we are talking about rounds). Then you go and spend as much time as you need looking at the diamonds. Get the GIA report numbers and post them here so we can advise you about cut. If none of those are good, they can call in more!!! You can look at their settings, but expand your search to find exactly what you want this time. Once you have pretty much decided on a diamond, THEN take him with you to show him how gorgeous it is and let him give his approval and do the trade-in. He may or may not see the difference, but as long as you do, that is what is important.

I have a new wedding set and that is why I originally came to PS. You'll find that a lot of us here do not wear our original diamonds! My husband didn't want me to sell my original diamond, but he was happy to get me a new set! And even though I got a fairly perfect diamond that time, I am still contemplating a different one! Thankfully, he just wants me to be happy!
 
... should i start from scratch or keep this diamond and just get a new setting? ...
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New setting, definitely. You can put a colored stone in the original setting and resize it and wear it on another finger or the other hand. Or you could sell it on sites like PD Preloved Jewels forum or DiamondBistro. There is always a market for value-priced used semi mounts.

The stone: Whether it stays or goes depends on many factors, and only you can decide. If it's well cut, I'd keep it. If not, look into recutting, but I'll caution you that some types of inclusions are too risky for that. There's a "Sell Your Diamonds" link under Resources here, that sends your data to the PS diamond vendors.
 
Hi,
If you're only been married for three months and are already not wearing your ring because you don't like it, then it sounds like it would be good to change it! Hopefully your husband is on board with this. Good luck!
 
junebug17|1353735105|3313846 said:
I think you should talk to your husband about changing it. I think you should love your ring! Your marriage is so new that whatever ring you get will still have a lot of meaning, and that sentiment will grow as the years go by. It just doesn't seem right, and seems sad to me that you don't have an ering you feel good about and want to wear.
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+1 :))
 
Honesty is the best policy and you should let him know how you feel about it, my husband always says *if you are happy I am happy* :D
 
two_little_birds|1353775165|3314230 said:
junebug17|1353735105|3313846 said:
I think you should talk to your husband about changing it. I think you should love your ring! Your marriage is so new that whatever ring you get will still have a lot of meaning, and that sentiment will grow as the years go by. It just doesn't seem right, and seems sad to me that you don't have an ering you feel good about and want to wear.
Click to expand...

+1 :))
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Ditto.

You're in an awkward situation but I think you should rectify it and then you'll be able to move forward. Just don't forget anything you've learned so far, how did you get pressured into choosing a dark diamond?

I think it's important to end up with something you love because there will come a time when you want to pass it on to family and you'll have some wonderful stories and memories to share about it. As someone who has received family heirloom jewellery, I really appreciate the pieces because I know they were meaningful to my family.
 
Definitely change it. it's not worth it if you aren't in love w/it!
 
Could you post a picture?
 
Another one here who's in the camp of "if you don't love it, change it"! However, make sure to do your homework carefully so that you do end up with something you love.
 
Are you able to change it or would your DH oppose it? If you can change it I think you should. It doesn't make sense to have a $12K piece of jewellery that you never wear! If your DH would oppose it then I think you set it aside for a bit as you have been doing and discuss it when more time has passed.

I rarely wear my original engagement. I didn't even wear it when we were engaged. My DH is opposed to changing it, and I'm not sure it'd be worth it anyhow, it's a 0.47 badly cut modern round brilliant set in a wonky 14k white gold setting with mismatched side baguettes. It's been about 8 years since I've received it and he's still not up for changing it so I simply don't wear it. I purposely bought a wedding band that doesn't match so wearing the ring is a non-issue. I think he's sensitive about me rejecting his gift, and he's from a culture where jewellery isn't a big thing.

If you can change your ring to something where you'd be happy I think your DH would see that and enjoy you wearing his gift and seeing you be happy. But getting there without any hurt feelings in the process is the tough part!
 
I think honesty is always the best policy. For that much money you should have something you enjoy and like to look at on your hand. Can you post a picture or your current ring?
 
$12 grand is a lot of money to spend on an engagement ring and not love it 150% --- as long as you and your hubby are in agreement....
 
Hi all,
I don't have an update but I wanted to thank you all for your input!
I sent an email to the place where we got it to see if we have any options and how we could proceed with them...but i haven't heard back and it's been almost a week now! If he doesn't respond by friday I'll write again and then from there choose a new dealer to work with. Just wanted to say thank you and let you know that I will continue to keep you posted as I move forward. I really appreciate the encouragement and support- funny how total strangers can make you feel better!
 
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