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Does getting married feel different...

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zoebartlett

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...than living together before hand? A friend and I were talking about this one day. She''s been with her husband for oh, 7 or 8 years I think. They were together for about 6 or 7 yrs. before getting married, and they had bought a house together and everything. My friend said how she feels (and felt) no different after getting married than she did before. I''m not sure if it''s because they had been together for so long before hand or if it had something to do with buying a house together (first major life purchase, etc.). What did it feel like for you?
 

qtiekiki

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We were together long distance for 2 and 1/2 years and then I moved in with DH right after we got engaged (1 and 1/2 years before the wedding). I have to say that it didn''t feel different to me after the wedding as far as everyday life and our feelings for each other. The only difference was that now people know us as husband and wife, and constantly being asked when will we have a baby.
 

poptart

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We moved in together before getting married, and after the wedding it felt as if nothing really changed, which I really liked.

*M*
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 2/28/2007 9:35:17 PM
Author:zoebartlett
...than living together before hand?
Yes.... everything up to that day felt exciting but normal.... and even *during* the ceremony I felt *oddly* normal. And after I was like, "Is it over? did it happen? is that it?" but within an hour or two I started feeling like there was something inside of me changing and growing.... committment.... till death.... in fact by the time we got alone for our wedding night I was so overwhelmed I just wanted to be alone to think about it!! LOL It grew and grew over the first few weeks and months and year... after the first year it started to settle some but to this day it still grows... its so deep now (15 years) that you don''t always sense the changes like you do at first... but every once in a while things shift and grow deeper (and shallower lol). Looking back its hard to believe how many manifestations of marriage you experience considering when you GET married you think of just one manifestation of being together... it just changes over the years and it definitely feels different after :)
 

Matata

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DH and I were together 10 years before I mustered up courage to marry him but my first marriage lasted 22 years and it was difficult for me to give up my hard won freedom. I''m liking the 2nd time around much much better and for me the differences between marriage and cohabiting are superficial....like, it''s easier to introduce him as my husband rather than as my partner or significant other; we get seats on airplanes next to each other without having to ask
(I took his last name when we married); family & friends stopped asking "when are you two going to get married?" (10 years of this nearly drove me crazy); I''m in the will, I''m in the will, I''m in the will; and most importantly, I''ve stopped breaking out in hives at the thought of planning a wedding.
 

KimberlyH

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We didn''t live together until we got married (he was 38, I was 28 and we''d never lived with an SO before, so we figured we might as well hold out until marriage since that was where we were headed anyways) so my situation might not fit with the situation you''ve presented, but I think my feelings about the whole thing might.

It feels different just like every other phase/change in our relationship has, from dating, to dating exclusively, to my moving to be near him, to being engaged, to saying "I do" to everything that comes after that, even only after 6 months of marriage (we''ve had quite a busy six months including a career change for me and two deaths, including his mother). But the progressrion of it all seemed/seems so natural that there were no big "AH HA!" moments, so much as smaller, more fluid changes that have happened and will continue to happen as our relationship continues to progress through life.

I''m glad we waited, just because it fit for us, but I don''t think we''d be in a much different place now if we hadn''t and know we wouldn''t feel differently about one another.
 

Mara

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yes things changed for us as well...nothing huge. it was mostly along the lines of we just felt more of a mental connection after the wedding trip and honeymoon, and it was like we somehow FELT that 'committment' we had made to each other a little more strongly. and then the fun little things like getting things in the mail addressed to mr and mrs. filing our taxes together that year. we had bought a house together that year as an engaged couple already so we already were mentally *there*. i think for us also it solidified that we were definitely in it 'for the long haul' and that mentality of when you get married you are willing to stick with it thick and thin and pronounce that all for everyone to hear and make it official. anyhow that is how it changed for us, it was nothing huge...but we just felt even more solid and connected in spirit than we had before..i know some people might say oh you don't need marriage for that, and i wouldn't have thought that either, but once it happened..it was pretty cool.
 

FireGoddess

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We lived together for about a year before getting married, and for us, it did feel a little different being ''husband'' and ''wife.'' A little bit sweeter in a subtle way.
 

Tacori E-ring

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We dated 5 1/2 years before marriage and lived together for three of those years. Did anything major change? Of course not. But I do feel different. I feel like we look at each other differently now. He is my husband now. I love being his wife. Does that makes sense?
 

lumpkin

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I think it definitely changed for us. We lived together for about 7 months before we got married. Everyone else treated us much differently when we got married, and that was the biggest change. There was an air of disapproval on my family''s part before we got married. Which was stupid considering the number of divorces in my family.
 

metro

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DH and I dated long distance for 2yrs, then we got engaged and he moved into my apt. 5 months before the wedding. It didn''t really feel different - but all things changed completely after finding out I was preggers two months later! A baby REALLY changes everything!
 

TravelingGal

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It changed for me....couldn''t believe someone went through with it and married me!

Being someone''s wife felt different from being a girlfriend or a fiancee. I''m a pretty guarded person and even though I loved TGuy before I married him, it felt like someone gave me a free pass after I got married. Don''t know if that makes sense, but all of the sudden, I really began to LOVE my HUSBAND with all of my heart. I can understand why people say they love their spouses today more than yesterday now.

And as for day to day living, somehow I have gotten more understanding and unconditional about things...it''s weird. The mental wrestling matches that I had before I got married when I wondered "can I really live with this?" have gone away. Now I am committed and living with it and just am at peace. Call it the honeymoon phase or whatever, but the last few months have been blissful, and it wasn''t always that way.
 

allycat0303

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Zoe: This is such an great question. I think about this a lot as I''ve been with my guy for 11 years. One couple I knew that had been dating for 4 years said "yes it is so different" the other that had been dating for 10 years said "nothing changed" I can''t help but be afraid (and excited) to see what happens for me.
 

Skippy123

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Hi,
This one was hard for us at first. We did live together for 6 mo. I thought marraige meant more to both of us in the sense of commitment. We love being married.

The hard part our first year of marriage was getting into the groove of how things were going to work. Cleaning, paying bills, Large purchases, furniture. I guess the transition period of it all.
 

monarch64

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We dated LD for about 6 months, then lived together for 9 months before getting engaged, then were married 9 months after that, (so we lived together a total of 18 months first), and I remember the first or second day into our honeymoon I felt like there was such a higher level of emotional intimacy, for me anyway. I know there was for him too, because he said so, but I kind of felt like there was just a subtle but very powerful change for the better in my feelings towards him after we made it official. Once I got through the wedding planning, and the actual day which was somewhat stressful, I felt like we just had so much more to look forward to, if that makes sense. Sure, our lives were just as they had been before while we were living together and then engaged and planning a wedding, but there was a definite feeling of belonging to someone in the best sense that came after the ceremony was over.
 

Skippy123

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Date: 3/3/2007 10:02:54 PM
Author: monarch64
We dated LD for about 6 months, then lived together for 9 months before getting engaged, then were married 9 months after that, (so we lived together a total of 18 months first), and I remember the first or second day into our honeymoon I felt like there was such a higher level of emotional intimacy, for me anyway. I know there was for him too, because he said so, but I kind of felt like there was just a subtle but very powerful change for the better in my feelings towards him after we made it official. Once I got through the wedding planning, and the actual day which was somewhat stressful, I felt like we just had so much more to look forward to, if that makes sense. Sure, our lives were just as they had been before while we were living together and then engaged and planning a wedding, but there was a definite feeling of belonging to someone in the best sense that came after the ceremony was over.
Both my hubby and I felt the same exact way. You hit the nail on the head Monarch. I was trying to say what you were saying, but said it much better than I could!!!
 

monarch64

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Date: 3/3/2007 10:33:43 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 3/3/2007 10:02:54 PM
Author: monarch64
We dated LD for about 6 months, then lived together for 9 months before getting engaged, then were married 9 months after that, (so we lived together a total of 18 months first), and I remember the first or second day into our honeymoon I felt like there was such a higher level of emotional intimacy, for me anyway. I know there was for him too, because he said so, but I kind of felt like there was just a subtle but very powerful change for the better in my feelings towards him after we made it official. Once I got through the wedding planning, and the actual day which was somewhat stressful, I felt like we just had so much more to look forward to, if that makes sense. Sure, our lives were just as they had been before while we were living together and then engaged and planning a wedding, but there was a definite feeling of belonging to someone in the best sense that came after the ceremony was over.
Both my hubby and I felt the same exact way. You hit the nail on the head Monarch. I was trying to say what you were saying, but said it much better than I could!!!
Aw, Skippy you are such a sweet soul. But yeah, aside from the day-to-day b.s. and honestly frequent "tough times," we love being married, and just the feeling of knowing we belong together for good and knowing that we have each other to always count on is just priceless, and such a secure feeling, so much more than what we thought "just signing a piece of paper" could ever be. We feel very connected to one another, whether we are happy or ticked off or somewhere in between!


I love the pic in your avatar, btw...you just look so freakin'' happy! It makes me smile a little inside every time I see it!
 

Skippy123

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Date: 3/3/2007 11:38:35 PM
Author: monarch64
Aw, Skippy you are such a sweet soul. But yeah, aside from the day-to-day b.s. and honestly frequent ''tough times,'' we love being married, and just the feeling of knowing we belong together for good and knowing that we have each other to always count on is just priceless, and such a secure feeling, so much more than what we thought ''just signing a piece of paper'' could ever be. We feel very connected to one another, whether we are happy or ticked off or somewhere in between!


I love the pic in your avatar, btw...you just look so freakin'' happy! It makes me smile a little inside every time I see it!
What a sweet compliment!
Thank you, you made my week. heeheee
We are very happy and it will be 7 years this April!
 

firebirdgold

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It''d better feel different!!

We''re on our countdown and we''re both really excited. Last night he got this huge grin, leaned over and said ''this time next week we''ll be husband and wife''!
So I''m hoping it won''t be a let down because nothing''s different!

Although with the way his spring and summer are shaping up the biggest difference may be that''s he''ll be traveling all the time! Believe me, I''m teasing him on that one!
 

divergrrl

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Date: 3/1/2007 5:15:04 PM
Author: TravelingGal
It changed for me....couldn''t believe someone went through with it and married me!

Being someone''s wife felt different from being a girlfriend or a fiancee. I''m a pretty guarded person and even though I loved TGuy before I married him, it felt like someone gave me a free pass after I got married. Don''t know if that makes sense, but all of the sudden, I really began to LOVE my HUSBAND with all of my heart. I can understand why people say they love their spouses today more than yesterday now.

And as for day to day living, somehow I have gotten more understanding and unconditional about things...it''s weird. The mental wrestling matches that I had before I got married when I wondered ''can I really live with this?'' have gone away. Now I am committed and living with it and just am at peace. Call it the honeymoon phase or whatever, but the last few months have been blissful, and it wasn''t always that way.
T-gal hit it on the head for me. Getting married changed how everything felt. Even though I *knew* my Steve was the one, once we were married I felt more secure in our committment, and I definitely noticed a change at how I was percieved as a "wife" over a "singleton" --especially at work & with clients (not a distinction I am exactly happy to have noticed...I was no different married than I was single, and it made me angry to think that single women might be perceived as less stable or something, because we know that is not true).

It really hit me the first time I had to buy a "husband" birthday card 4 months after we got married. It was a total thrill, and I got so choked up I started bawling right there in Hallmark. Oh yea, that was pretty. I still get a little misty in the card section when I''m picking out something for DH.

Jeannine
 

poptart

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I second the "feeling secure" part. After we got married I felt even more calm about our relationship, but it seemed like a natural progression rather than an instantly noticeable change. That security and commitment grows constantly and is more of a gradual change. And divergirl, I know what you mean about being perceived differently since I''m married, especially at my age. They do the big eyes, surprised eyebrows face, and it gets annoying. So I always laugh and say, "No I''m not pregnant" because I know they are wondering that. It''s annoying how judgmental people can be, thinking that certain ages require you to be at a certain "spot" in life. But anyway, that''s a different topic, lol

*M*
 

divergrrl

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Love your signature Poptart. Thanks for the giggle.

Jeannine aka diver
 

MiniMouse

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We were really glad to get married, as it''s more accepted here in Saudi Arabia. If you''re not with a husband, then you should be with a father or a brother. Being with a boyfriend or fiance is a no, no, although expats are shown a lot of slack in that regard (Riyadh is a lot stricter). We always carry a copy of our marriage certificate with us, just in case.

Marriage made me feel more secure and committed. It also made me more excited about the future and making plans. When we were a couple it was nice, but I never felt people viewed us as seriously as after we were married. It''s sad, but I guess many relationships falter, but so do marriages.

I love being married, far more than just being a couple in a relationship.

Best wishes for happy marriages to all fellow PSers.
 

poptart

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Date: 3/5/2007 12:47:49 AM
Author: divergrrl
Love your signature Poptart. Thanks for the giggle.


Jeannine aka diver
Lol. Thanks, I like it!
 

lumpkin

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Date: 3/3/2007 12:53:27 PM
Author: Skippy123
Hi,
This one was hard for us at first. We did live together for 6 mo. I thought marraige meant more to both of us in the sense of commitment. We love being married.

The hard part our first year of marriage was getting into the groove of how things were going to work. Cleaning, paying bills, Large purchases, furniture. I guess the transition period of it all.
Here here!!!

There were some -- for lack of a better word -- power struggles at first for us. Trying to figure out whether this or that was more important for him or for me, and who was going to "rule" what aspect of our lives. We still live in flux, LOL! But before marriage, it was more about the planning of our marriage and once married it was the planning of our lives.
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
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1,899
Everyone always said money is a huge issue... and boy is it. That was the hardest thing for us to get right. It ended up that I am doing the finances because I am a control freak and HAVE to know what is going on ALL THE TIME. Everything else fell into place though, which was great. If one person didn''t do something, the other would pick it up. I am still amazed by how selfless both of us are sometimes...

*M*
 
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