Does anyone have THESE feelings about bachelor parties?

[cdt1101]

i''m w/ surfgirl on this one. I made it VERY clear how i felt about strippers to my fiance and his brother (who''s planning it). And very simply said "i will call the wedding off". Sorry, but i''m not comfortable with it...PERIOD. If i''m portrayed has an evil, no fun woman because of it, then so be it. For me, it''s not about trusting my fiance, it''s merely the thought of a disgusting, dirty skank rubbing on my man

Not happening.

My fiance knows how strongly i feel about it, so it''s been decided they will do a guy''s day out of paint balling and barbaqueing afterwards. Sounds good to me

 

[kellybelly]

i''m wondering if the girls here who are okay with it might also choose to do something similar for their bachelorette parties? and those that aren''t would likely choose a quiet night at dinner with a smaller group. just a thought...

 

[mimzy]

NoID, i''m so sorry you are so upset over all this. it''s just a bad situation that can''t really be helped. i agree with the girls that said you need to tell him how you feel and DON''T sugarcoat it - be honest with him about why you''re upset (because it''s more than just that he went to the strip club...it''s all those things about him disregarding your feelings). be totally honest. there''s a good chance that no matter how much he apologizes etc you are still going to feel angry and hurt and that''s okay...... it is likely going to take some time to get over it. the two of you need to do what you need to do to get yourselves emotionally prepared for the wedding, and that does NOT include pretending to feel something you don''t. do what you need to do to forgive him and talk about what you are going to do if the issue ever comes up again (both strip clubs and handling each others feelings in similar situations).

hopefully he''ll be super remorseful on his own and the fallout will be minimal, but just in case think about what you are going to say if he gets defensive.... and that might include accepting some responsibility for not saying "you can''t" to begin with (not that i think this is your fault AT ALL - it''s just that he might pull that card).


but when you do feel better, make it clear to him that you expect his undivided attention when discussing seating charts and place cards and a five star date or two to help you reconnect

.

 

[Gwyn]

SO, I am a little confused. Did I hear WEEKEND mentioned a few times?

Is he spending one night out with the guys, or is he going somewhere the whole weekend and going to strip clubs and such?

Personally I find the whole thing a little repulsive (strip clubs) but if your guy is super into it and wanted to go out with the guys one last time then maybe...ok.

But, knowing how you feel and how all this bothered you, he went for a weekend somewhere for a whole big party naked chick fest....thats a little cruel if you ask me. And selfish. The whole notion of a bachelor party being a last big hurrah is a little lame to me to begin with. It is implying that after you get married you wont have any fun anymore so you have to do all this stuff BEFORE. Blech. If you ask me, that whole time BEFORE we were DATING was your bachelor YEARS honey. Don''t come crying to me asking for one night of immature, selfish, crap. All that stopped when you decide to commit to one person.

My guy isn''t into strip clubs at all, neither are his friends. All the parties he went to never involved one. He really wants to spend the night playing poker. Or go check out a electronic band and a cool club. He feels pretty much the same way I do so I guess I am lucky. Both of us kind of wonder what his dad/brother in law think/want to plan. The two of them are pretty into that kind of stuff (his mom and sister both could not care less about it). They have made mention of setting something up (sometimes with me there and sometimes not) FI just says no he isnt interested (at least that is what he tells me

). I think for people who are worried about the "friends" factor. You have to trust that #1 his friends care about him and respect his relationship with you and #2 that your guy isnt afraid to tell his friends how he feels. I think some guys might feel weird about saying no to their friends about something like this. They maybe dont want to seem like less of a man. OR secretly they really do want it and are just using their friends wanting it as an excuse, lol. My guy is 32 years old and has known all his friends since he was in first grade. There is not anything he feels uncomfortable saying to them.

As for now, you were right when you posted, what is done is done. So just rejoice that he''s back home with you, and he respected your relationship enough to stay within the boundaries you have. And he already had his "one night of fun" or whatever they call it. So now you will never have to complain about him wanting to hang with the guys and go crazy again right? LOL yeah right....

 

[NoID]

First, I want to thank you all so much for your support and advice, and for the ideas you all gave me for how to deal with the situation.

I'll try to answer all the questions that you guys asked me...

Ringster, the wedding is June 27th. Feels waaaay too close right now. I'm gonna check out the book that you sent me the link for, thank you. And yes, he really is a good guy.

Kelly, I would so NOT be OK with the "don't ask, don't tell" thing. I think that's downright humiliating, and very much related to how I feel. I do NOT like the thought of 20 people knowing something that my FI did but me.

Harleigh - good luck...please promise you will at least make an attempt to tell him no.

Gwyn, he want away (driving distance) with his best friend for the weekend. It was an excuse for both of them, really. Adventure-type stuff during the day, drinking and strip clubs by night. I know that my FI likes strip clubs, he liked them when I met him, so no, it's not about doing his friends a favor.

He's back home, but I won't see him because he's got school until about 10:30 P.M. tonight.

I am still feeling very mixed about everything. And I feel like it's pointless because of course now he's going to be sorry. But he already did it. I'm sorry to keep saying that, I know I've said it before, but I am having a really really hard time letting go of that.

Mimzy, you were right on that part of me was like "he better give me his FULL undivided attention for like the next THREE weeks. Make it three years hahaha.

I'm resenting his friend, too...I'm like resenting their whole fng friendship...goes back to what I said to Kelly about the whole bulls**** that guys do what guys do. They do it then they're all nice when they get back. Sometimes I wish I could even out the score...but I think it was Miracles who said, we can NEVER even out the score. The stuff that we do as women is so lame compared to what they do.

So I will talk to him, and see what happens...I really hope this feeling of not wanting to touch him (and I don't mean in a sexual way, I mean, like I don't even want to kiss him on the cheek) goes away before the wedding.

ETA: I think what's really bothering me, too, is that they went to strip clubs BOTH Friday and Saturday night. I thought it was going to be just ONE time, you know? How naive of me...I didn't think of making up THAT rule.

 

[iheartscience]

Ugh-that''s great-he''s going to strip clubs and it''s not even really his bachelor party yet? Yuck. I''m sorry you have to deal with this when your wedding is only 2 months away. I don''t mean to pick on your fiance, but I think it''s almost creepier and more disgusting to go to a strip club with just one other friend TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW than it is to go do a big dumb bachelor party with a bunch of guys. This is not to say that I''m down with bachelor parties, because I''m not at all, but a one time thing is a little more palatable than a habitual strip club thing.

I think you really need to break it down for him-no silent treatment or passive aggressive stuff. (Not saying that''s what you do-I''m just using that as an example of what not to do!) I would sit him down, tell him everything you wrote in your original post as well as some of the other stuff in here, and see what he has to say.

If, after he KNOWS how much it bothers and repulses you to the point where you don''t even want to kiss him on the cheek, and he still wants to go to a strip club again, I would seriously think about whether or not that''s the kind of man you want to marry. That may sound dramatic, but if he will disregard your (completely reasonable) feelings about him ogling naked women, what other feelings will he disregard?

 

[NoID]

thing...

I hear you...I keep thinking of him and his friend hanging out there...aaarrgghhhhhh

This WAS his bachelor "party". They decided to do this instead of the "traditional" bachelor party. They made it sound all good.

To be perfectly fair, there IS truth to that. Because when MY FI threw HIS friend a bachelor party (the same guy he went away with this weekend), it was strippers in someone''s home. I told my FI, definitely, none of that, and no private rooms, no strippers in hotel room, etc.

I do believe he honored my guidelines, and that it was just the two of them being stupid and drinking, and getting lapdances. I hate that they shared this.

Having a wedding coming up is just an excuse to do what they like to do. That goes for both of them. Both when mine threw it for him, and now that his friend threw it for mine.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 4/28/2008 8:44:32 PM
Author: NoID
Having a wedding coming up is just an excuse to do what they like to do. That goes for both of them.

So like, do they expect to do this crap after he''s married? I''m just curious...

 

[kellybelly]

NoID, i feel bad that you are sad about this whole situation. it sounds like "disappointed" might be a good word to describe your feelings. to me, there are few things worse than when you know someone is capable of doing something, but they don''t come through on it. however i wouldn''t recommend using that word in conversation with your guy, as it comes off judgemental and condescending, like something a parent would say to a child. you''re in a bit of a pickle, seeing how this strip club trip already happened, and now you''re feeling the effects. and i know that you also mentioned feeling humiliated. if you feel like people are judging YOU based on the actions of your fiance, i''d be 99% sure that''s not the case. (i live in NJ and it''s nothing out of the ordinary) i don''t know one single guy that has not gone to see strippers, even my sweet fiance who was a virgin til he met me. it doesn''t make them bad guys, most people aren''t going to bat an eyelash when they hear about it, and they certainly won''t be mumbling in the corner about how embarassed you must be because you''re his lady.

heres something to think about-- my take on the whole "last night of freedom" that surrounds the bachelor/bachelorette party isn''t really about freedom at all. i think it''s a chance to go out with your dear friends, have some drinks, shake your stuff on the dance floor, and see if you''ve "still got it". even though you''re about to make the biggest commitment of your life and you wouldn''t want anyone else, it''s nice to know that there are guys/girls that would still want you. it''s a bit of a send-off for the party scene, as most marrieds i know aren''t out clubbing til all hours, but it''s certainly not the last time a guy/girl is ever going to have fun again. it''s more a celebration of you, a chance to let your hair down, do a few silly dares, things like that. the laugh of it is that a group of girls can accomplish all of this at a club, for instance, and it''s innocent and relatively cheap!

 

[bee*]

Hope that you sorted everything out last night NoID.

 

[honey22]

I think it''s important for you to be honest with him about how you feel. If you are not comfortable about it, you are not comfortable. But, I don''t think you can say ''you are not allowed to do it''. In the end he is an adult and should make the decision himself, if he understands that it really upsets and effects you, I am sure he will do the right thing by you and not go, or at least explain to you why he feels he needs to do this. He might really want this one night thing, and as uncomfortable as you feel now, what if you look back and always know that you denied him this once-experience?

I used to feel the same way years ago about my partner going to strip clubs, but then I was a lot more insecure than I am now. Now, I guess I am more secure in the notion that he loves me and for me it was more of a jealosy thing, and I really think it''s more of a nightout and an excuse to do something different that just about the naked woman thing. I honestly don''t have a problem with him going, I have on a few occasions when he has gone to a bachelor party, dropped him off at the start of the evening and ended up picking the boys up from the strippers at the end of the night. It''s really harmless fun, he absolutely knows his limit - no touching and he respects that. I would never not let him go, but then again, if it really upset me, he wouldn''t go.

I even offered to get him a stripper for his 30th birthday party this weekend (he reminded me that his mother would be there, so maybe not). Oh well, he can look at other women, but it''s me that he falls alseep with everynight. I think it''s natural for men to check other women out, I know I check out other guys, I often joke to SO about how cute the sparky was at work today etc, we know we are 100% comitted to each other, so it''s not a problem for us.

But, if you still really feel bad, please do talk to him. I do understand how you feel, as I said, I used to feel that way. It''s not your fault, you can''t help the way you feel, and I am sure when you explain everything, it will seem better.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 4/28/2008 11:25:12 AM
Author: kellybelly
i''m wondering if the girls here who are okay with it might also choose to do something similar for their bachelorette parties? and those that aren''t would likely choose a quiet night at dinner with a smaller group. just a thought...

First, NoID, Sorry you''re going through this. I''m with everyone else -- be completely upfront and honest about how you feel. There''s no need to feel guilty about disagreeing with something and taking a stand against it.

I have huge issues with the whole bachelor party scene, complete with drunken nights and/or questionable girls. My FI knows exactly how I feel about bachelor parties, and I''d have no problem telling my FI''s friends when/if the time comes for his own party.

As for me, I don''t think I really want a bachelorette party. My friends are spread out, so I don''t get to see most of them too often. If we all were to get together, I''d much rather go out for a nice dinner. If that happened, it would be about my friends (who don''t all kow each other) getting together and having a fun time, not about having a wild night on the town just because it seems like it''s the thing to do before getting married.

I agree with Surfgirl, I don''t understand the whole "last night of freedom" attitude.

 

[Pandora II]

Okay, I totally get why you are annoyed/disappointed now.

If it was my FI going to a strip club with a whole bunch of guys as a one off it wouldn't bother me. There is also a difference between watching girls dancing around taking their clothes off and lap-dancing etc That would make it much more of a sexual thing for me than 'mild titillation' if that makes sense.

Him going TWICE in one weekend with just one friend would seriously get to me. It would make me feel that there was more to it that just a single silly evening out. I'm not saying that he has a problem or anything, but it does seem a bit more than being semi-reluctantly being dragged along because its what your guy-friends do for a stag-do and you don't want to seem a wuss for saying no.

I think you need to make your being unhappy about it very clear to him and find out if he intends to keep on going to these places after you are married.

 

[lauralu]

Wow i am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. I hope after talking to your FI that this will be the LAST conversation you both will have to have on this topic and from here on out it will be HISTORY.

I truly do not understand this kind of mentality from men who are suppose to be in love and committed. I do get the curiousness of going once or twice throughout ones life. I have been in several strip clubs myself. But, to like this kind of thing? To go and do it and like it and make it a periodic part of ones committed life to another? Or to think this is the kind of thing that is appropriate to do for one last night out with the boys before getting married? Why? to prove you can attract the attention of a women being paid to give it to you? Repulsive...and a total waste of time and emotion within a committed relationship in my opinion.

Good Luck and I hope everything is going okay and things get worked out between the two of you. I am sad for you and thinking of you.

 

[KimberlyH]

Okay, this is a bit confusing for me, so I'm going to try and clarify what I understand from your posts prior to sharing my thoughts, in case I'm way off base:

You have gone to strip clubs with your fiance. You told him it was okay to go to strip clubs while on a trip with his friend, as long as he followed some "guidelines" and only went one night. And now that he's done so you are so upset you don't want him to touch you. So every indication you've given to him is that this is acceptable to you, but now he's a jerk and you don't want to be touched by him because he went and did what you said you were okay with?

If my account of what you are saying is accurate, I find this a bit baffling. Good relationships are built on solid communication, and if you aren't comfortable with him going to strip clubs you should be able to to tell him so, you should have told him when you first found out it was something he enjoys doing. Instrad you've given him every sign that it's okay but now you're angry with him. So where do you go from here? It's time to stop trying to be the cool SO and have an honest conversation with him about how this makes you feel -- if that means you are okay with him going to strip clubs as long as you are present, so be it; if it means you're not okay with him ever going to a strip club again, and it's going to damage your relationship if he does, he needs to know that. But I don't think you have the right to hold what he did last weekend against him as you indicated to him that you were okay with him going.

 

[noelwr]

I didn't think of it until you mentioned it, but I guess I am on the side where I really wouldn't care if he went to a strip club for his bachelor's, someone else's or once a month. I even wouldn't mind if he had a lap dance or touched as long as he wouldn't tell me about it when he got home! I am not worried at all about him ever sleeping with a stripper/prostitute as I know he is really afraid of STDs. so maybe that's why I don't mind - I know the stripper wouldn't be looking to get romantically involved with him as to her he's just another paying customer and I know he wouldn't be looking to sleep with her.

but... I do know what you feel like as I used to feel this way about my previous boyfriends (maybe because they did use to frequent strip clubs). and they were also jerks when they were drunk. perhaps I didn't trust them or I wanted to be the only woman they were interested in. I guess my FI just lets me know that I'm the only woman he wants to be with and that's why I'm not bothered what he goes and does. and he is very well behaved when he is drunk. he just says silly stuff but isn't mean and violent.

I would be more bothered if he went to a bachelor's party where there were people using drugs. again, not because I think he would do any but I don't want him to have friends like that.

KellyBelly - no, I don't think it's because I would also want a stripper at my party - I really wouldn't. if someone threw me one and it was to learn pole dancing I also wouldn't like it. I think I'd just like a dinner with friends or making chocolate or just something simple and fun.