Does anyone have THESE feelings about bachelor parties?

[NoID]

I know this topic has been discussed at length before, and that people have strong opinions - either they're totally fine with it, or they're fine with it as long as there some rules/guidelines in place (i.e., no private rooms), or they're totally opposed to it under any/all circumstances. By the way, I'm in camp #2 - basically fine with it as long as FI understands what to me is crossing the line. Definitely no private rooms, etc. I say basically because I would definitely rather have a FI who wasn't interested in strip clubs at all, and who would rather go out to dinner, play golf, have a few drinks, etc. But that isn't the case, so...

I have some mixed feelings about it all. I've seen people talk about trust, etc., but haven't seen much on these things, which I feel:

- A sense of humiliation that FI's friends wives and other people know that your FI went to a strip club for his bachelor party
- Resentment/embarrassment that FI's best friend "knows" everything that happened that night, that he has seen your FI ogle strippers, etc. (this is even with the assumption your lines were NOT crossed).
- A sense of wanting to protect/hide from anyone else to know just how much you wish your FI did not want a strip club to be part of the entertainment.
For example, my FI's best friend's wife asking me how I was coping with the weekend was very embarrassing to me - I did NOT want to let her know that it was bothering me that FI was going to be going to strip clubs. The last thing I wanted to do was get into an angry conversation going back and forth complaining about "our men".
- A sense of anger that your FI saw another woman naked, a sense of anger that he wanted to see another woman naked

I am so embarrassed about even admitting some of these things...what's funny is that I can totally understand how his enjoying seeing other women naked has nothing to do with how he feels about me, and about our wedding, etc. And I DO trust him...it's just that honestly, underneath it all, I think I'm angry with him for not being the kind of guy who wants just a few drinks and dinner. I wish he was that kind of guy. Which he can't really fix...and he could agree to do it just for me, but the other part of me, knowing what a good guy he is, do want him to do whatever it is he wants...I know I am totally contradicting myself.

Maybe you guys can see it more clearly from the outside.

 

[MoonWater]

Hmm, well I just finished talking to my guy about bachelor parties because a few of his friends recently got married. One had a horrible ghetto stripper and the guy getting married wasn't into strippers, nor were most of his friends. It was a bust because the woman had no skills so it couldn't even be entertaining enough for the other guys. Another friend had two professional strippers that had a routine and it was enjoyable (so I hear lol). I told FI that I'd like him to have one more along the lines of the second one. A gal (or two or whatever) that knows her stuff and can actually put on a good performance. My only rule was no touching, although frankly I wouldn't even care if she gave him a lap dance. But I'm a guy's girl and I think it's harmless as long as you know the guy won't cross the line. If I didn't think he could be trusted not to cross the line, I wouldn't bother marring him. Frankly I'm jealous I can't be in on it.

ETA: I just asked for more details from FI and eww lol. Some of the games they do are gross to me (or rather the idea of doing it with a stranger). I'm sure if you have a problem with the idea you'll definitely have a problem with the games. Think whip cream and honey.

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 4/27/2008 7:21:32 PM
Author:NoID

I know this topic has been discussed at length before, and that people have strong opinions - either they''re totally fine with it, or they''re fine with it as long as there some rules/guidelines in place (i.e., no private rooms), or they''re totally opposed to it under any/all circumstances. By the way, I''m in camp #2 - basically fine with it as long as FI understands what to me is crossing the line. Definitely no private rooms, etc. I say basically because I would definitely rather have a FI who wasn''t interested in strip clubs at all, and who would rather go out to dinner, play golf, have a few drinks, etc. But that isn''t the case, so...

I have some mixed feelings about it all. I''ve seen people talk about trust, etc., but haven''t seen much on these things, which I feel:


- A sense of humiliation that FI''s friends wives and other people know that your FI went to a strip club for his bachelor party

- Resentment/embarrassment that FI''s best friend ''knows'' everything that happened that night, that he has seen your FI ogle strippers, etc. (this is even with the assumption your lines were NOT crossed).

- A sense of wanting to protect/hide from anyone else to know just how much you wish your FI did not want a strip club to be part of the entertainment.

For example, my FI''s best friend''s wife asking me how I was coping with the weekend was very embarrassing to me - I did NOT want to let her know that it was bothering me that FI was going to be going to strip clubs. The last thing I wanted to do was get into an angry conversation going back and forth complaining about ''our men''.

- A sense of anger that your FI saw another woman naked, a sense of anger that he wanted to see another woman naked


I am so embarrassed about even admitting some of these things...what''s funny is that I can totally understand how his enjoying seeing other women naked has nothing to do with how he feels about me, and about our wedding, etc. And I DO trust him...it''s just that honestly, underneath it all, I think I''m angry with him for not being the kind of guy who wants just a few drinks and dinner. I wish he was that kind of guy. Which he can''t really fix...and he could agree to do it just for me, but the other part of me, knowing what a good guy he is, do want him to do whatever it is he wants...I know I am totally contradicting myself.

Maybe you guys can see it more clearly from the outside.

Yes, a million times, yes.

I feel EXACTLY the same way. I hate being a fuddy-duddy and saying that it''s not all right with me, but I have made it abuuuundantly clear to my FI that I, under NO circumstances, agree with strip clubs or his attending them. I know that it bothers him in some ways, because although he''s not someone who would regularly go to a strip club, he thinks that bachelor parties are a completely acceptable time to attend them. I couldn''t disagree more.

Listen, everyone feels differently about these things, and some people are bothered more by it than others, and I am not going to say what works for anyone but myself--all I will say is that I do not want a bachelorette party where I would do something distasteful, and I would not want him to spend his bachelor party doing something I find repulsive and degrading.

I also trust my FI completely, and know that it''s very common for men to want to see naked women, regardless of their commitments--but the idea of him staring at any naked woman, especially one so physically close (and who is NOT ME) makes me angry, hurt and disgusted with him.

I feel ya, lady. I really, really do.

 

[WTNLVR]

Nope, didn''t care. But the strip club in question didn''t do lap dances or "private" rooms. They even had a ladies night which is where I had my bachelorette party. One of the funnest, cleanest nights of my life. Really fun time and totally geared to women and tastefully done. Of course being on stage with an almost naked man being made a spectacle of was kinda embarrassing, but 18 yrs later I still remember it and giggle-LOL. Now the hands on strip clubs- no way would I be o.k. with that.

 

[lliang_chi]

Alli,

I don''t see your opinion on a b-party changing, nor his opinion of going to a strip club. I guess you should just talk to your FI about how you''re not comfortable with him seeing another woman naked. And to be honest, the strip club thing will probably be more of the other guys, NOT your FI. You say that you trust your FI, and I''m sure he understands your feelings and that your feelings are important to him. I really think that''s the best thing you can do.

Also as a compromise, what about him and his guys going to a burlesque show? It''s not QUITE a strip club, but it''s still B-Party-ish, y''know? Just a thought.

Good luck.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I feel like women often feel obligated to let their fiances have this ONE night, even if they are not okay with it. Then (naturally) they worry and obsess about what's going to happen--even when boundaries are set--the night of the bachelor party. One of my good friends went through this and she admitted that she wanted to seem like the strong, "cool" wife who was okay with it. In my opinion it takes more strength to draw the line and be honest about what is okay and what isn't, even if that means no strip club at all. If your fiance respects you, and hopefully that's the case, haha, then it won't be an issue.

I had thought about the bachelorette party before it came up, so I knew what my boundaries were. DH is an incredibly shy mathematician and the most trustworthy person on the planet, so my boundaries were pretty loose. No private parties, private rooms, etc.--I'd heard way to many horror stories about what happens between the strippers. When the bachelor party issue came up, he said "I was planning to play golf" which confused me. So I said "play golf and then go to a strip club?" and he replied that he didn't really think going to a strip club was a respectful way to celebrate getting married. So it ended up being a non-issue for us, but I'd definitely done a lot of reading about it and knew what was okay with me. Like most things, I think that sitting down and talking about it is the best way for both of you to be happy.

ETA: I wanted to add that your feelings about the b-party are completely normal. I'd probably even add "he knows it will hurt me and wants to do it anyway" to the list. It doesn't mean you don't trust him or that you're insecure...it's just a natural reaction to something that bothers you.

 

[NoID]

to throw in a wrench in there, I''ve BEEN to strip clubs with him. We never stay long, it''s more one of those "hey should we go to a strip club" when we''re on vacation, drinking, and being a little crazy. There are times when I''ve been able to relax and enjoy it and other times when I felt uncomfortable or embarrassed to be there. One extra crazy night, I got a lapdance.

So it''s not like I''ve never been to one, etc. etc.

I hate FI''s best friend''s wife having one on me. How silly, right, since her husband is there too!

Like I feel I''ll have to wait a couple of days to not be resentful enough against him and be able to touch me in any way. I resent him wanting to look at other naked women. How idealistic of me, I know...it doesn''t help that the wedding is soon, and that while my thoughts are on getting shoes to go with my dress, he''s out at strip clubs...

Unfair even before you start, you know?

 

[NoID]

Date: 4/27/2008 7:59:01 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

ETA: I wanted to add that your feelings about the b-party are completely normal. I''d probably even add ''he knows it will hurt me and wants to do it anyway'' to the list. It doesn''t mean you don''t trust him or that you''re insecure...it''s just a natural reaction to something that bothers you.

NEL, you are so right...that is so DEFINITELY a part of it too...

He''s thankful I trusted him enough to "let him do this" that nothing''s going to happen (I DO believe he will respect my guidelines) but it''s kind of like, instead of thanking me why do you just not do it, you know? You know it will hurt me a little bit, and I may be weirded out for a while, but doing it is more important...then you''ll just thank me later...

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 4/27/2008 7:56:15 PM
Author: lliang_chi
Alli,


I don''t see your opinion on a b-party changing, nor his opinion of going to a strip club. I guess you should just talk to your FI about how you''re not comfortable with him seeing another woman naked. And to be honest, the strip club thing will probably be more of the other guys, NOT your FI. You say that you trust your FI, and I''m sure he understands your feelings and that your feelings are important to him. I really think that''s the best thing you can do.


Also as a compromise, what about him and his guys going to a burlesque show? It''s not QUITE a strip club, but it''s still B-Party-ish, y''know? Just a thought.


Good luck.

He knows how I feel about it and has told me he won''t do it when his day comes. It''s not something to which I''ve given much thought since he told me that...I was just sharing my feelings with the OP to assure her that she''s not alone! Maybe you meant your comment to respond to her?

 

[NoID]

by the way, thank you all for letting me know I am not alone! (even if you have no problem with it yourself!)

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

This one is always hard. My guy has no interest in going to a strip club in part, I suspect, because I have no problem with it. I think it is almost like a test where no one can win. If you really love him you let him go and you "pass" the trust test. If he really loves you he doesn''t want to go, and then he "passes".

I second burlesque since it is a very different type of preformance that is never hands on and tends to be more classy.

Is it possible the reasons he wants to go are not to see naked women? He may be going to prove to his friends that you are "cool". He may be going because he wants to hang out with his friends and drink and stip clubs are the place to do it. He may be going because he had fun at other people''s bparties.

 

[dogmama]

NoID I think that your feelings are completely normal. I let him go to a strip club once so he could try it out in college. He went and didn''t touch, but all his friends went nuts. One even went to a private room and had things *done*. I was disgusted by those people, but didn''t care all that much that he went at the time because I knew it was more out of curiosity than voyeurism.

He came back from the experience (with none of my influence!) completely guilty about the whole thing. I reminded him that I knew about it and it wasn''t like he had done something wrong. He said he understood that logically, but couldn''t shake the feeling of guilt and disrespect for days afterwards. To this day, he doesn''t like strip clubs and balks at going with the guys. He''s interested in going with me, but I don''t want to.

For his bachelor party he''s definitely not having a stripper. I''d be jealous and not happy at all, especially with it so close to the wedding. He''s joked about doing it just say he *did* the typical bachelor thing, but we know that he''s not the type, so I''m OK. If he did though, and wanted to rather than just going along for the ride, I''d be going through the same feelings you were.

 

[iheartscience]

Well I''m lucky because my fiance has no interest in going to a strip club. Good thing, because I have no problem being the "uncool" girlfriend and completely forbidding him from going. And in this case, I really think it''s acceptable to forbid him from doing something!

And I completely understand your feelings...I think you should share them with him if you haven''t already. It does seem like a pretty strange and disgusting way to start a marriage off, really.

 

[surfgirl]

ID, I think you need to be honest with yourself first. In your first post you say you wouldn''t mind as long as he respects your boundaries that you set out. But in all your other posts it is very clear that you do not want him to have a strip club bach party. And you know what? You have nothing to be apologetic about. Nothing. The whole notion of going to a strip club for a bachelor party is offensive to me simply because the entire premise is that "this is your last night of freedom so you''d better live it up tonight". Mr. Surfgirl didn''t have one because we eloped but I dont think any of his friends would ever suggest such a thing to be honest. And from a guy''s perspective, he also feels its ridiculous to think one needs a "last night of freedom" party. If your guy feels that way, why is he getting married, you know what I mean? I think you should be completely honest with him about how you feel about it, really feel about it. Not the "I''m trying to be a good understanding FI about it", but the honest to god truth - you dont like it. It skeeves you out. So tell him. Offer alternatives. I think when guys get together before one gets married and they "celebrate" together, as in going golfing and/or out to a nice dinner, that''s totally cool. But this "let''s all get drunk and look at strange naked women" is just weird. At least to me.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/27/2008 9:35:22 PM
Author: surfgirl
ID, I think you need to be honest with yourself first. In your first post you say you wouldn''t mind as long as he respects your boundaries that you set out. But in all your other posts it is very clear that you do not want him to have a strip club bach party. And you know what? You have nothing to be apologetic about. Nothing. The whole notion of going to a strip club for a bachelor party is offensive to me simply because the entire premise is that ''this is your last night of freedom so you''d better live it up tonight''. Mr. Surfgirl didn''t have one because we eloped but I dont think any of his friends would ever suggest such a thing to be honest. And from a guy''s perspective, he also feels its ridiculous to think one needs a ''last night of freedom'' party. If your guy feels that way, why is he getting married, you know what I mean? I think you should be completely honest with him about how you feel about it, really feel about it. Not the ''I''m trying to be a good understanding FI about it'', but the honest to god truth - you dont like it. It skeeves you out. So tell him. Offer alternatives. I think when guys get together before one gets married and they ''celebrate'' together, as in going golfing and/or out to a nice dinner, that''s totally cool. But this ''let''s all get drunk and look at strange naked women'' is just weird. At least to me.

DITTO to everything Surfgirl said.

 

[NoID]

u know what surfgirl i know u're right. I'm sitting here crying, but it's already done...

i couldn't have expressed my feelings to him any clearer, really...he knows for a long time what I think of the whole subject...I actually freaked out quite a bit when he threw the party for his friend a couple of years ago (the friend who's throwing it for him now).

and he's a good guy, he really is...but on this issue, i didn't feel i had a choice. i did push myself to let him do it and be OK with it, i didn't want to say, "no, you can't do that". it's like i couldn't bring myself to say "you can't". i felt powerless, kind of...the only power I felt I could have was with some guidelines, which I also asked him to pass along to his best friend/best man (thinking that I didn't want the best man to spend any $ on private strippers they then would have to cancel).

him and his friend went away for a few days, and he called to tell me that the strip club was a non-event, that he'll tell me all about it later, etc., and to thank me for letting him go, that he loves me and misses me, etc. i actually ignored all his calls yesterday, i just didn't even want to talk to him, i felt i could deal better with everything better if I didn't have to hear him. when I finally talked to him today, he actually sounded almost sad, because he knows/guesses I'm not feeling great about the whole thing...and that almost makes me more mad...too late now, you know? you already got what you wanted, don't feel guilty now...

so this kind of sucks...he's coming back tomorrow and i don't even want to see him...i'm even angry at the fact that this will pass, and I guess he did what he wanted...I suffered, but he got what he wanted...I'm sure he didn't do anything wrong while he was there...but it's just annoying...

I didn't want him to resent me for NOT letting him do this but I'm not sure what's worse...and my feelings are extending over to his best friend...the last thing I want to do tomorrow is put on a fake happy face and ask them if they had a good time...

 

[miraclesrule]

Very interesting thread....

I''m on the fence with this one, only because I have been to bacherlorette parties in Vegas, the last with a girl who absolutely refused the notion of her FI doing the same thing she did. Strange double standard.

I have also been to a home party for a friend where they hired a "male (gay) stripper" actually it was her DH''s mother who hosted it and had the naughty party, but my friend was mortified. She didn''t want to insult her DH''s Mom, but she looked over at me and said, "OMG, I need a shot!!" I really felt sorry for her because I think the whole blindfolding and making them take money from a strangers sweating body (even if he is gay) is not at all necessary, but it the end, it was harmless and created lasting laughable memories.

On the other hand, I understand the "peer pressure" from the boys to not be a wussy and have some fun.

But the difference between women and men, and male (usually gay) strippers and women strippers, can be like night and day. I just heard of some poor schmuck who got drunk at a friends Vegas B-party and handed over his credit card for lap dances and got a rude awakening when he found out he had been taken for over $2000.

Apparently the girls were giving themselves huge tips when they ran that card through and the guy just signed the receipts...trying to look cool to his friends.

So, it''s not usually the groom that is the problem, but his alpha male buddies. That is why this is such a touchy subject. How susceptible is he to influence, alcohol and pressure??? These are questions that keep the fiancees up at night.

I''m with the rest of the girls who say that you should talk to him and be direct and honest about how you feel and let him do the same until you come to an agreement. Personally, I don''t get the whole strip club thing, I''ve been to Scores and I thought the strippers and the guys who shell out all the money were nothing short of pathetic. But I''m not a guy.

Good luck and just know that you aren''t alone in feeling this way.

 

[diamondfan]

I think a lot of times it is just a bunch of bs that men feel they have to have one to prove they are not henpecked by the soon to be wife. Some get very raunchy and out of control, but I will bet a good number are pretty tame. Maybe the guy feels he should want this last hurrah and feels it should be a blow out. I think I would want to feel cool with it, but might, in reality, not be too thrilled. But it would depend who was going (friends who are nice and good influences or not...) and what the plan was.

I was much more jealous when I was young. Now, I have trust, til given a reason not to. Looking briefly is fine with me, it is not like something he would do frequently. No touching, there is a level of respect that must be held. And to me, a guy that could not get that or that I worried about that much, I would be concerned to marry. I hope that most guys just have a bit of fun, hang with the guys. Though I know I have heard some pretty heinous stories and the wife to be does not find out for a LONG time if ever.

 

[NoID]

I think you guys have all said so many things that are true...

I am just hurt...

Whatever his reasons are for wanting to go to a strip club, I just wish he didn''t have them. Whether it''s because he likes them (which I knew this when I met him), because he sees it as a night of good fun and drinking with the bonus of being able to look at naked women, or whatever. I understand it all from a logical perspective, but I wish it wasn''t the case. His best friend is a nice guy, very dear friend to us, who is committed to his wife. But he does like to go way beyond the limit when drinking...the whole thing is just so juvenile. I am hurt especially because I am like associating this with our wedding coming up...which I had a feeling might happen...and which I had told him about...like I said, I guess it was worth risking...I think in situations like this, guys know you won''t stay mad forever.

Freaking juvenile...

 

[miraclesrule]

(((((((((((((((((( NoID ))))))))))))))))))))))<-----------------big hugs

If I was with you, I would lend you my shoulder.

 

[surfgirl]

oops, double post...

 

[surfgirl]

honey, at this point, given how you''re feeling, I would encourage you to sit him down and tell him exactly how this made you feel...and include why you felt you couldn''t tell him "no, I absolutely do not want you doing this." I think you should also tell him how this is coloring your wedding experience. You need to work through this - as a couple - before you walk down that aisle, otherwise, you may have resentment that just builds upon this and that''s no way to start a healthy marriage. The bottom line is he did something that he knew you weren''t okay with (if in fact you were clear about that to him), and he put his needs above yours on something that in the long run isn''t very important at all.

Honestly, I wish more women would stand up and say NO to this bullsh*t, instead of feeling that they have to say they''re okay with it so they dont look like they''re henpecking their guys. As miraclesrule mentioned, there''s a world of difference between women going to gay male strippers compared to hetero female strippers who often would do just about anything if the money''s right. BIG difference there if you ask me.

Talk to him. Now. Dont let it fester...

 

[NoID]

yeah, I know...

and part of me is like, what could possibly happen? is it even worth it? what will he do? apologize?

the other part of me is like he''s a good guy, and if you know anything about him at all, you''re probably better off just "letting him have this weekend".

It''s weird...I was OK day 1 and day 2, even knowing he was out there, hanging out and going out at night. But today is when the anger started to build...as the day approaches that he''s coming back. Which is so frustrating because then instead of talking with him calmly and firmly I let the anger take over and I come off like a a powerless whiny baby. This is very confusing to me...but maybe it shouldn''t be...maybe that happens to me when I try to supress what I really feel...I ignore it and it all feels fine, but eventually the anger''s got to come out.

the worst is we''ve been fighting so much lately, we''re both stressed with the wedding, and with little problems hitting us from everywhere...I feell like I''m gonna come off like this is the latest thing for me to be mad at...

I wish I could talk to him NOW because I am so anxious...I hate when I get like this, it''s like a desperate feeling...but he won''t be back until tomorrow, and I''m not sure I want to have this conversation while he''s still away...and on the phone...and with his friend lurking around...

I''m sorry guys...I don''t mean to keep going back and forth. I am just so anxious and sad right now...

 

[ringster]

Date: 4/28/2008 12:00:50 AM
Author: NoID
yeah, I know...


and part of me is like, what could possibly happen? is it even worth it? what will he do? apologize?


the other part of me is like he's a good guy, and if you know anything about him at all, you're probably better off just 'letting him have this weekend'.


It's weird...I was OK day 1 and day 2, even knowing he was out there, hanging out and going out at night. But today is when the anger started to build...as the day approaches that he's coming back. Which is so frustrating because then instead of talking with him calmly and firmly I let the anger take over and I come off like a a powerless whiny baby. This is very confusing to me...but maybe it shouldn't be...maybe that happens to me when I try to supress what I really feel...I ignore it and it all feels fine, but eventually the anger's got to come out.


the worst is we've been fighting so much lately, we're both stressed with the wedding, and with little problems hitting us from everywhere...I feell like I'm gonna come off like this is the latest thing for me to be mad at...


I wish I could talk to him NOW because I am so anxious...I hate when I get like this, it's like a desperate feeling...but he won't be back until tomorrow, and I'm not sure I want to have this conversation while he's still away...and on the phone...and with his friend lurking around...


I'm sorry guys...I don't mean to keep going back and forth. I am just so anxious and sad right now...

i'm so sorry NoID that you are going through this. it's not the way you pictured spending the days before your wedding i'm sure.

when does he come back?

ETA : and when is the wedding?

ETAA : oops just saw that he is coming back tomorrow. you know, you said he sounded sad cause he could sense that you weren't happy about the bachelor party. i think that is a good sign. i don't think you can be too hard on him. you did say it was ok for him to go and he sounded sorry when you talked to him on the phone.

i would have a heart to heart with him when he comes back about how you feel about the bachelor party - all of the conflicted emotions you had. but try to preface it by letting him know that you love him and everything you are saying is coming from this fact. and you know, let him know where you feel you could have done better with this situation - like what you told us about not being more upfront about your true feelings.

i had a situation with my FI in the past where he said some things that really hurt me. when i talked to him, i let him see that i was hurt and i asked him that next time if before he jumps to conclusions if he can give me the benefit of the doubt and come and talk to me first if he feels upset about something. i think he could see that i was genuinely hurt and not accusing him or pointing figures at him and so it made it easier to hear what i said.

hope that helps. he sounds like a good guy, talk it out and just remember that you both love each other.

i would also highly recommend this book to help you deal with future issues that come up - it's great for work and personal communication. if you can, get the audio that goes along with it. i found that doing a chapter and then listening to the corresponding audio was a great way to make it stick in my thoughts.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0071401946/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

 

[kellybelly]

whoever mentioned the friends hits the nail right on the head. my fiance wouldn''t likely choose a strip club if it were up to him, but his friends think it''s fun, so it''s sort of the best option for the group. he''d rather have box seats for a Yankees game if it wasn''t so expensive.

also a point to consider-- what if he had gone to the strip club but you never knew about it? there''s the "don''t ask, don''t tell" school of thought on this issue. sometimes ignorance is bliss, and especially if you truly trust your guy, i think that not knowing all the details of what went on can be better. a friend of mine did the strip club thing and just never told his fiancee because she was so dead set against it-- he had fun, she never found out, so it was all good.

i was just at a bachelorette party in Atlantic City this weekend and even though nothing scandalous happened, i sort of want to keep the details to myself so it stays as special memories just for the girls who were there. some things can also be misconstrued, like if i told my fiance that i was talking to and dancing with guys, he might think the worst, when in reality it was all just good fun. it''s nice to have some secrets that are "girls only" or "guys only".

 

[Harleigh]

I am so sorry, NoID...big hugs.

I am experiencing this same thing, because none of my FI''s groomsmen even drink, so now he is talking about a weekend in Tahoe with some guys that are ALL single and tend to get out of hand. FI on his own wouldn''t choose to go to a strip clup, but with enough alchohol and cigars, could probably be persuaded by these guys so that he didn''t come off as an un-manly-man. We will be discussing this further, and I, too, dread having to say, "No way, Jose!"

Hang in there, hun...it''ll work itself out.

 

[bee*]

Sending hugs. I''m so sorry to hear that you''re upset and I agree with surfgirl-when he gets back I do encourage you to sit down with him and explain how you feel. Some of D''s friends wanted to go to Eastern Europe for his stag night so they could go to lapdancing clubs and drink tons, but D told them that he wasn''t into that and he wants to go go-carting and paintballing in Galway instead (we live in Ireland). I wouldn''t have a problem with him going to a lapdancing club over here at home as they''re so strict on the rules over here but I''m not sure what happens abroad in them. I hope that things improve for you!

 

[Pandora II]

I think you do need to explain to him how you feel.

My FI has just got back from a 6 day stag-do in Belarus and Lithuania.

The friend 'M' who organised it is notorious and always has some dodgy Eastern-European 18 year old on the go. He has businesses over there.

To be honest I wasn't worried in the slightest. The others who were going all have fiancees and are very sensible types - I believe they spent most of the time playing poker,'sight-seeing' and trying to keep 'M' out of trouble and laughing at him. He also rang me up to say he'd have more fun if I'd come too. (Awww)

I just told all my friends/relatives etc that I had the embassy numbers and they were going in April so I had time to get them out of jail before the wedding!


How would I feel if FI went to a stip club? Honestly I don't think I'd worry, but that's probably because I know it's not his kind of thing and he'd avoid going like the plague. Looking at other women - fine by me. They look anyway, so I'd rather it wasn't hidden.

That said, he'd be up for the Moulin Rouge (my father has always wanted to go there as well - he wanted me to become a costume designer for them so he'd get free tickets

- I'm trying to fix something for his 70th!). But I consider that art rather than ****.

The issue here though is that you DO mind and so it is disrespectful to you for him to go ahead with something you are uncomfortable with.

I'm not trying to be one of these girls who acts cool about it all. I'm actually really am not bothered in the slightest. But if I was, I would be very angry if FI decided to do something that he knew would make me unhappy.

 

[Courtneylub]

I used to be cool with this kind of thing...maybe because it was "cool" to be "cool" about it. Now that my FI has no interest in going to a strip club for his bachelor party, I''m relieved. He''s going fishing and gambling. If I found out someone hired a stripper for the weekend, I would be pretty disappointed. I''ve heard horror stories, but this is the thing....if my FI did anything to jepordize our relationship, I''m glad I found out before the wedding! Yes, it''s a good idea to prevent it from happening. But if a guy can get drunk with his buddies and do something stupid like that, then I don''t want to be with him anyways. If his friends encouraged anything or let him get away with anything, then I don''t want to be with a man who hangs around people like that. I can be confident saying that because I know that is not the kind of man he is. If I''m wrong about that, then bye bye. It would be too shocking and I would feel like I didn''t know who he was at all.

 

[lliang_chi]

Hugs NoID. I really hope you talk to your FI today. Maybe it''ll help if you write everything down so you won''t get too emotional when you''re talking to him. Given how you feel about the subject it warrants a discussion. No it doesn''t erase the fact that he went, but at least it''s something you both can air. You said he knows why you''re upset, so I"m thinking he''ll understand and he cares about how you''re feeling. It''s not fair to either of you to just swallow how you feel and pretend everything is okay. And besides, it sounds like you guys have a good relationship so I wouldn''t want something like this to leave a sour taste before your wedding. You both should be happy Good luck!