Do your kids run your life?

[megumic]

Recently, I told a friend about a volunteer charity group I am involved with and she asked how she might become involved. I told her meetings were Thursday's around 7 or 8pm. Her response was, "Oh, that's DD's bedtime. Oh well, maybe in five years or something."

(FWIW, her husband is home by 5 or 6pm and could easily put DD to sleep, and she is no longer BFing. Furthermore, she is a SAHM, so she is with her kiddo all day every day.)

Despite the fact that I respect her choice to be there for bedtime on Thursdays, I couldn't help but think about how I would not let having a child stop me from doing things I was interested in. Is it that awful to miss bedtime once a week? Will I feel differently about this once we have our first child? I guess I just felt so bummed and about the whole thing since she genuinely seemed interested and I was excited to have a friend there.

So I'm wondering how others would feel in this situation. Does your child's schedule come first? Does your kid run your life so much so that it prevents you from doing things you'd enjoy?

 

[NovemberBride]

I make it a point to be home every night for bedtime unless I am still at work. I do not in any way consider this to be my child running my life to a point where I miss out on things I enjoy. To the contrary, I enjoy bedtime with my daughter - giving her a bath, reading books to her and singing her to sleep. It is our special time of day. I rarely miss it by choice, although there are times I have gone out with friends for a special event and DH has put her to bed alone. But I would not at this point commit to something that made me miss bedtime once a week. I would probably feel differently if I was a stay at home mom and we were together all day, but I am not. I am an attorney with a very demanding job and I only see DD for 2-2.5 hours a night (on a good day). There are enough times when I am stuck at work late and don't see her at all that I would not voluntarily choose to miss it once a week. FWIW, my DH is super supportive and would gladly put her to bed if I wanted to go out. It is 100% my choice to be there.

My child does not run my life, but yes, her schedule comes before my wants. That's the choice I made when I became a parent. Children will change your priorities and allow you less time to yourself and to do things you enjoyed before having them, that is simply a fact. But you will also find new things you enjoy - like the bedtime ritual. I suspect this is the case for your friend. You see it as her kids keeping her from something she'd enjoy, she likely sees her kids as something she enjoys more than this volunteer opportunity. That said, I definitely do enjoy doing things with friends, I just schedule it for a weekend or after DD goes to bed when possible. I meet a group of moms from my neighborhood for a glass of wine every week after we put the kids to bed. Best of both worlds!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I was having a similar conversation with a friend the other day and we both came to the conclusion that you can either fit into your babies life or have your baby fit into your life.

I was/ am firmly in the baby fit into my life camp.

You don't have to be in the other camp if you don't want to and while I respect other parents decisions to run their lives around their children's sleep schedules it wasn't something that I ever did or intend to do again.

My daughter has fit into my life perfectly and while it was important to have her in a routine, if I had to be at a dr appointment at 2 in the afternoon and it was time for her to have a nap, well nap time was in the car on the way to the dr instead of at home.

My sister had 3 children and we always had to schedule our social engagements around someone's afternoon nap, which is fine, but then she would rock up 3 hours late because such and such was having a big sleep and she didn't want to wake her. She was 1.5 hours late to our mothers 60th birthday lunch because one of the kids was still napping. If it were me, I just would have pulled the kid out of bed when we had to leave and that would be that.

An interesting anecdote that my friend and I noticed as well is that those parents who were typically high strung and ran everything around the child also had children who were high strung and could only do abc at xyz and anything different would throw the whole family into nuclear meltdown but those mums who were easy going, fairly laid back and just go with the flow, also had kids who were easy going and would go to sleep anywhere.

I'm not sure if it's because of the way the children are raised or because of the traits they have inherited from their parents but it wad an interesting observation that we both made.

Anyway, sorry I went off on a bit of a tangent there.

The short story is kids don't have to run your life if you don't want them to. Of course there are always going to be sacrifices that you make in the best interests of your baby and there will be times that you can't do everything that pleases you because you have a new little person to think of now but I think it is possible to find a happy balance between the two.
I like to believe that I have raised a really nice girl too. She is nearly 11 and yesterday morning she got herself up and ready for school made me a cup of tea and brought it in to me, told me she was riding to school so I wouldn't have to get out of bed sinc I have the flu. She's a special little girl and I like to think that my parenting style has had something to do with that.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

No, my child does not run my life. I think parenting, or good parenting I should say, is a team sport. If there is something I want/need to do, her dad puts her to bed. Thursday nights are *my* night and what a difference that makes! I get to go out, talk to adults, have fun, and retain a bit of my sanity. I also have woken my DD from a nap if it was something important (though it has been so long since she naps I can barely remember!) life is about balance. I am a better mom when I do things for myself.

 

[junebug17]

Just thinking out loud here - maybe her husband gives her a hard time about going out at night? I remember when my kids were young my friend's husband would make a really big production about her going out in the evening. He made a big deal out of it, and I guess it bothered him that she was not there at bed time.

When my kids were little, I would occasionally miss a bed time, but not very often though. For the most part I just preferred being home to put my kids to bed. But if there was something I really wanted to do in the evening (once I took an art class) and it worked out with my husband's schedule, I would do it. I actually think it's kind of healthy for a sahm to do something on her own once in a while, separate from her child. It helps you keep your sense of self.

 

[somethingshiny]

I don't think my kids run my life, but I definitely stick to the schedule as much as possible. If my children don't eat and sleep at the right times, they get cranky. JT gets sick if his bedtime is irregular. So, their well-being comes first.

There are so many parenting styles As long as the kids are healthy and happy, the parents are doing the right thing.

 

[fieryred33143]

Going along with Junebug, maybe she is better with bedtime routine? Or maybe that is their family time/husband-wife time (not all married couple with kids are miserable )

As for your question, she plays a huge part of my life and schedule and I wouldn't really have it any other way to be honest. My friends like to plan evening things or weekend things but I work so my time at home is valuable and precious to me. There are times when I need to get out for my own sanity but for the majority of the time I truly enjoy my time with my daughter so I try not to schedule too much to interfere with that time.

 

[nfowife]

Well, I'm a SAHM with 3 kids under 6. So right now yes, they definitely run my life. How can they not? That said, I would have no problem going to a meeting once a week in the situation you describe. My older kids are 4 and 6 so they are fine with me, Dad....the neighbor putting them to bed. My 5 month old does nurse before bed so I do need to be home to do that but currently she goes to bed at 6:30 and doesn't nurse to sleep so I can work it if I need/want to go somewhere, girl's night out, book club, whatever.

In regard to naps, it just depends on the kid. I am somewhat strict about our "schedule" on normal days because when my kids are well-rested they are more cooperative, less cranky, and overall more enjoyable to be around. If they are tired they are just not that fun for me or anyone else. But for a special occasion (grandma's 60th birthday?!) I would certainly work it so my child was well-rested and ready to celebrate. I have a 5 month old and there are just some things we can't do and we have to stay home a lot more. But it's a short time in our lives we need to do that and I know it won't be long until we are able to stay out later, eat dinner at friend's houses without taking 2 cars so I don't have to leave to take her home to put her to bed, etc. Some kids are more easygoing and those children have lucky parents!

 

[Dreamer_D]

My kid(s soon) do not run my life. I would go out once a week if I wanted, provided my husband could do bedtime.

That said, I respect my kids nap and bedtime schedules in a way that some parents do not. Nap times and bedtime are sacred, we do not strectch them or expect our kid to make do sleeping somewhere else unless we have to for some reason -- like we are away out of town for a day and he will nap in the car. This was more of a life interruption when he was napping 3x per day and went to bed at night by 6:30. But life is easier with a well rested kid. So that is the one area where I guess my kid does "run my life". Before having kids I rolled my eyes at parents who were like that about naps and sleep time. Now that I am a parent, I know it is really a boon for US, because it means a happier more managable child, and more us-time in the long run. And that period only lasts a few years, then your kids go to bed at 8pm and don't nap anymore and you have your freedom as a family back!

But as I said, I would join a volunteer thing once a night if I wanted. And my husabnd golf's a few times a month now. We "spell" each other and it works great.

ETA: I just read hawaian's post and I would not wake my child for my mom's birthday -- well, probably for her 60th I would But I would also put him down early so he would not oversleep! -- and I would not schedule a Dr's appointment during his nap. And I am not high strung and am actually a very laid back parent in most other regards! So I don't think you can necessarily draw conclusions about the "type" of parent who chooses whichever way of parenting their kids. For example, all the people I know who fall into the "fit kids into my life" category have fairly cranky and ill mannered kids hee hee.

 

[Mara]

It's very easy to say things when you don't have kids, heck I was like that too. I also never used to understand certain things parents did in the name of their kids. I think things do shift a little mentally when you have kids.

In the example of the Mother's 60th bday party, I'd put him down an hour earlier and then probably just show up 30 min late. We've slightly modified his nap schedule here and there when necessary but schedule and routine is totally key for me. And it's easy for me to plan things around the schedule because we know what it'll be. I also will tell people, hey that's right at the end of his naptime so we'll probably be a little late. Setting expectations for me is important.

Do I think that's letting my kid run my life? Nope, because he doesn't set his schedule, I set it for him. Everything is of my own choosing at this point. And we waited a long time to have kids and to be sure we'd done 99.99% of what we wanted to so that we wouldn't be bitter or feel strapped down by a kid who is entirely dependent on us. My life is very different now but I don't mind it at all, in fact I welcome it. I did my own thing or our own thing for many many years and now I don't mind doing it a little differently. There will be one day soon, probably sooner than I would wish, where he is moving out of the house or going off to college and my life will be all my own again...and I'll probably wistfully think of these days.

That said, in the OP's example, I might miss my son's bedtime once a week to do something I was really interested in. I do go to a workout class 1-2x a week and let my husband handle things. But most times I love being here for bedtime... I don't typically get enough time with him during the week and things like bedtime or bath are important to me.

I do believe in living your life and fitting the child in for the most part, but there will be times (like for us, around sleep/schedule/routine) where I change my life to fit around that. It just makes us a happier family because the kid is happier too with regular naps/sleep routine and that mental sanity is way more important to me than doing whatever *I* want to do.

 

[Pandora II]

I'm with Hawaian Orange Tree...

It's all going to come down to how you choose to parent - and what your child is like.

I wanted my child to fit into my life and I am not a schedule type of person. Daisy is also not a schedule type of person which helps. She's never really napped, but then she is never overtired and grouchy - she was up yesterday at 8am and went right through till 11pm without a nap and that included a long session at the park and dinner with my BIL and his wife and the whole day she was happy and smiling, finally falling asleep on my knee on the bus home.

Even when she was tiny we still had a social life - DH's company sponsored a lot of events and exhibitions and we got invited to them all. I would stick Daisy in the sling and we all went - if she was tired then she could sleep in the sling (she didn't) and she always enjoyed going. Even now I reckon that if she gets tired she will just sleep in the stroller - she doesn't need to be at home in a crib to do so.

Since she was 7 months old I have taken an evening class 2 nights a week and I'm out from 5.30pm till 9.30pm. I either drop her off with DH or the cleaning lady looks after her. It was hell early on because she had such terrible separation anxiety but she's totally happy now. 8/10 she's still awake when I get home anyway so I still do bedtime.

I admit I find it really tedious when I have friends who do have schedules - they either want me to traipse 2 hours across London to their house rather than meeting somewhere mid-point because if they go out it interferes with their child's nap, or they have to leave early, or the minute you are doing something it's suddenly the exact moment their child must have lunch (now this absolute second or the world will end). They are always so obsessing with what the time is and what their child must be doing at x o'clock that they seem to have no life of their own.

Totally up to them, but I tend to not bother calling them to go out as it's less hassle to go on my own to the zoo or museums and there are always loads of other kids there for D to play with anyway.

One example was the other week when I arranged to meet a friend at the zoo - she arrived 40 minutes late because of her kid's nap. Then the minute she got there she wanted to go for lunch. Daisy isn't that into eating but I can normally keep her sitting still for 10 minutes or so, but my friend wanted to stop then, now, that second to give her daughter her lunch and that meant sitting next to the children's playground (we had a picnic so we could have gone anywhere to eat it, but she didn't want to walk for 5 minutes to another area as that would wreck her child's schedule.) Daisy obviously wanted to go off and play on it and my friend asked if I would not let her do that till after lunch as otherwise her kid wouldn't eat and would want to go and play. The result was that we and everyone else in the area had to sit through a 10 minute screaming tantrum from Daisy because I said she had to sit with us and wait - in the end I said that I wasn't going to ask a 2 year-old to sit next to a playground that she wasn't allowed to play on and I'd see them round there when they'd finished. Two hours later she had to go as she had to be home for nap time.

Unfortunately she is not unique - out of my 5 friends with children here, 3 of them behave exactly like this.

My kid can be a horror - super stubborn, super determined, won't eat, won't sleep, throws the mother of all tantrums on a regular basis, runs away and generally drives me crazy. But that is 99% her temperament - she is a carbon-copy of DH and I at the same age and our parents did try and fail with schedules for us. On the other hand, she is polite, kind and invariably happy and smiling.

At the end of the day every parent has to make their own decision about what is best for them, their child and their family. But, you don't have to run your life round your kid when they are tiny if you don't want to - heck enough of that coming when they go to school and have to be there at x time and finish at y time...

 

[charbie]

So my kid is still in utero, but this is something my husband and I have discussed A LOT. I know things will invaribly change when we have the baby, my mindset will switch and there simply is not way to plan for that. But my husband and I are spontaneous people. And we intend to stay that way to some degree, even with the baby. I get very irritated when people constantly tell me I better enjoy doing things now bc it will all be different with the baby. Different? Sure. Impossible? Doubt it.
My mom had 3 kids back to back. Schedules were necessary to maintain her sanity. But she also had it so we could nap/sleep wherever and whenever so she didn't need to be tied down to the house. I told her I wanted to find blackout curtains so the baby could nap and she said, "Don't you dare...don't teach the baby darkness=sleep."

Now, as for things the baby/kid wont be able to do with me, im not yet sure how ill handle that. If its something I really want to do, I imagine in time my husband and I will have our nights where he will handle the duties or I will. I've played volleyball year round for years, and hope that will continue. I know my own parents each had activities they continued...my mom did an adult ice skate twice a week, and dad did golf league. And *gasp* it overlapped on Thursday nights so my parents had a babysitter come in for 2-3 hours those nights they couldn't be there. We liked having someone else to terrorize, and he liked earning $15. And my parents liked adult interaction outside work! Win win.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Yeah, I think this may more be a sign of how she and her husband share (or don't) parenting rather than her belief that her daughter couldn't be without her for bedtime. It's really hard to say without knowing more about them.

I'm a SAHM, and my husband is very hands on and supportive when I plan activities out of the home. I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but he does bed time most nights AND he gets our DD (she's a year and a half) up in the mornings too (he WANTS to . . . sometimes I think we should try letting her go back to sleep when she wakes up crying, but he's already running out the door to snuggle her). But any time he has an activity at night, I do all of that, and vice versa. But DH's best friend is always criticizing this other friend of theirs where the SAHM leaves every night right when the dad gets home to go do yoga for two hours. He's like, "But the husband works all day AND THEN has to take care of the kids at night?" But my husband doesn't see it as a chore; he loves his little princess and is jealous that I get to spend all day with her.

I've got another friend with a son my daughter's age who really does let the kid rule their lives. They cosleep, and it takes both of them to put him to bed (they just lie on either side of him in bed for up to an hour until he falls asleep). It's rare for either of them to leave at all at night, and they never do it together (he can't be left with anyone else, even his grandparents). So that situation is no good, in my book. She says they're happy with their situation and believe they're doing the right thing, and well, I guess you'd have to to make it through a few years of that!

But to answer the original question, I don't think we do. It's all about balance. We had a week long trip planned without DD when she was a year old, and we decided we didn't feel we could leave her for a whole week, so we shortened it to 4 days. We'd never been without her for a night and knew she was old enough to notice. But we know lots of people, especially mothers, who have never been without their kids for a single night. I think I've been gone 10 nights - some with girlfriends, mostly with my husband - since she was born (well, actually, since she was weaned at a year). There have been times when I felt like I didn't have enough time for DD (when I was working, but I was able to quit), and times when I felt like DH was doing too much (activities 4 nights of the week and weekends too), so you have to be flexible. It's all well and good to be like, "I won't let my kid change me or run my life," but you also can't carry on like a single person and just pass a snack or bottle to the kid every so often, but otherwise pretend they're not there.

In an average week I'd say DH does 2-3 activities on his own at night or weekends (a lot of cycling, maybe a happy hour or concert too), and I do the same (running, working out, or going out with a girlfriend). We also get a babysitter a couple of times a month; honestly, I think we would do that more if our DD weren't so easy to take out to dinner. I'm sure with more kids a babysitter will a more regular thing.

 

[Pandora II]

In light of Phoenix's post, I will say that we co-sleep and it can take me an hour to put her to bed at times - but then I get to sit and read a book for most of that and I do enjoy the snuggles. Because we co-sleep and I'm still breast-feeding she does wake once or twice in the night but we are both so used to it now that neither totally wakes-up.

As to spending a night away... I just couldn't do it yet - and I would miss her terribly.

We don't live near family and so I've never had the luxury to getting other people to look after D for even an hour here or there. It's always just been me or DH. She went through such terrible separation anxiety (5-18 months) that babysitters would refuse to come at all or if they did they wouldn't come again. She would scream non-stop for 4 hours. For a long time no-one could even pick her up without her going ballistic. We saw some specialists about it and they said it was just her personality exacerbated by the fact that she didn't have exposure to other people because there weren't any around.

I recently went to Sri Lanka for a week for business reasons rather than a holiday and I took Daisy with me. She was an angel on the planes (17 hours each way) and pretty good there especially since we were staying in quite rural and primitive areas.

I grew up abroad and my mother at one point travelled half-way round the world (took a week) on her own with 3 kids (6, 4 & 7 months) in the 1970's and I think if she could do that then I can easily do it now.

Maybe it's because I'm an 'older' mother but I've never really understood parents who want holidays away from their children? We did all the holidays as a couple that we wanted to do before having children. For me half the fun of having a child is seeing them experience new places and doing the kids stuff with them. The odd peaceful dinner out is nice though!

 

[Sabine]

I'm sure it depends on the person. I really thrive on schedule, and early on, when kids really have no schedule, I made a schedule out of anything I could and hated for anything to change it. As ds got older (he's 2 now), it got easier. For the most part, his schedule does still drive my schedule (I try to be home every day at least 20 minutes before nap time so he can wind down and take a nap, and I don't keep him out past 6:30 PM so that he can go to bed at 7). I will break our schedule for special occasions, but not on a regular basis.

However, if there was something that I really wanted to do, I would try to find a way to make it work. When my dh isn't deployed, he does our ds's bedtime routine, so as long as he's home, I have no problem going out in the evenings and it doesn't throw off anything (although I like to be home by my own bedtime of 9:30!).

With all stuff kid related, it's really hard to relate until you've been there. But I'd say if your friend really wanted to get out of the house more, she'd probably find a way to make it work.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Yes, absolutely! He is almost 18 and for the first time I feel things are out of my control! I miss the days when I could put him to bed on time!

cheers--Sharon

 

[Mara]

Pandora... I admit, we LOVE taking vacations away from J. While we plan to do vacations with him at some point, right now is just not that time. Also it's no 'vacation' for me if I have to watch my kid the whole time. I might as well stay home where I could do that for free. If we agree that it's a family vacation, like Disneyland or Hawaii (kid friendly area, not where we'd normally stay which prob wouldn't be!) then that's one thing, but we totally cherish our time apart together alone, and away from the baby. And he is MUCH happier with my mother getting spoiled for 3 days than with us being forced to try to behave at some posh resort.

Also, I think that once people have kids, they tend to 'gravitate' towards those with similar parenting styles as themselves. It's much easier to be friendly with other parents who have a similar mindset to yours, that way you aren't sitting there thinking the other parent is insane for whatever they are doing/not doing with their kid!

Sabine, I agree with what you said also re: priorities. If someone thinks something is important enough, they will find time/make time to do it.

 

[Jennifer W]

Well, my kid can totally run my life when it suits me - nap times, schedules, whatever you like can be a neat excuse to back out of something that's starting to look unappealing. Every Thursday? Oh no, I was just making polite conversation when I asked...

I'm not a schedule person, but some things are inviolate - bed time being one of these things. We do bath and bed together most nights, but if DH or I had plans, it's no biggie for the other to do it solo. We just enjoy that time every day though, we're all relaxed, it's good family time. Plus, when it's done, we can pour wine.

As for vacations, we don't care to go away without DD. We never really cared for resort vacations and we'd avoid places designed to attract children like the plague, but there is a happy medium. We like to take or hire a car and maybe rent a villa or a cottage, so that can be as child friendly as you want it to be I suppose. I don't know anyone here who would go away without their kids - maybe it's a cultural thing? My family never did that either, and neither did DH's. It's kind of unheard of where I live, unless it's for a weekend or just a few days.

 

[Lanie]

Nothing much new for me to say, everyone summed it up pretty well. But I wanted to also add that I thought it was ridiculous that couples would put so much stock into a nap time....until i had one of my own. Now my friends that don't have kids might think I'm insane, but for now, at 5 months old, we need to have a schedule. I think we can be more flexible as he gets older, and I hope we can be more flexible. I have a group of friends, some with babies, and some without and we like to get together every weekend or so to just hang out at someone's house. Used to be at a bar, but now it's at a house. Anyway, around 6pm, most of the mothers leave (me included) to take our babies home to go to bed. Sometimes the dads will leave too. But one friend of mine pulls out her pack and play, puts her baby to sleep in a quiet room with a monitor, and when it's time for them to leave at 11pm or so, they wake him up and take him home. My baby would never do that, but it's pretty amazing how flexible that baby is and how he never cries about it. They are an exception, I realize.

I remember Matthew McConaughey saying that they would take his little baby to outdoor concerts and things like that because he wanted the baby to fit into his lifestyle, not vice versa. Wonder how that's working out for him now?

 

[Jennifer W]

I should add, I'm not making any negative comment or judgment about child-free vacations. I just realised how judgy my post sounds - not my intention, since you do what works for you as a parent, rather than what suits other people!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I love child-free vacations. Like mara said, taking her with us is just MORE work for me than staying home. I swear in my next life I want to be a dad. They get a much better deal!

 

[Jennifer W]

Amelia's dad doesn't, for sure.

 

[anchor31]

Some parents have a harder time being away from their children. I don't think it's a problem, as long as it doesn't make them unhappy. If I were in your friend's shoes, megumic, I would go. As a SAHM, it feels great to get out of the house sans baby and have some adult interaction. Bedtime used to be DH's task before he started working late and coming home *after* bedtime, so I know he could handle it.

As for fitting your kids into your life vs. you fitting in theirs, I think that no matter how much you try to do the former, sometimes it just doesn't work. Not everything is predictable. Sometimes they get sick enough that you have to take them to the hospital (I just spent 4 hours in the ER last night, fun!). Sometimes you can't find a babysitter. I don't think it's realistic to think you can have children and not have your daily life changed.

I swear in my next life I want to be a dad. They get a much better deal!

Me too, me too!

 

[megumic]

Well, my kid can totally run my life when it suits me - nap times, schedules, whatever you like can be a neat excuse to back out of something that's starting to look unappealing. Every Thursday? Oh no, I was just making polite conversation when I asked...

I'm not a schedule person, but some things are inviolate - bed time being one of these things. We do bath and bed together most nights, but if DH or I had plans, it's no biggie for the other to do it solo. We just enjoy that time every day though, we're all relaxed, it's good family time. Plus, when it's done, we can pour wine.

As for vacations, we don't care to go away without DD. We never really cared for resort vacations and we'd avoid places designed to attract children like the plague, but there is a happy medium. We like to take or hire a car and maybe rent a villa or a cottage, so that can be as child friendly as you want it to be I suppose. I don't know anyone here who would go away without their kids - maybe it's a cultural thing? My family never did that either, and neither did DH's. It's kind of unheard of where I live, unless it's for a weekend or just a few days.

HA - I actually think you nailed it. This is how my mom responded when I told her the story and I'd bet this is exactly how it played out.

 

[Jennifer W]

LOL! I hate to say it, but I have used this excuse. Maybe even more than once ...

 

[Pandora II]

Well, my kid can totally run my life when it suits me - nap times, schedules, whatever you like can be a neat excuse to back out of something that's starting to look unappealing. Every Thursday? Oh no, I was just making polite conversation when I asked...

I'm not a schedule person, but some things are inviolate - bed time being one of these things. We do bath and bed together most nights, but if DH or I had plans, it's no biggie for the other to do it solo. We just enjoy that time every day though, we're all relaxed, it's good family time. Plus, when it's done, we can pour wine.

As for vacations, we don't care to go away without DD. We never really cared for resort vacations and we'd avoid places designed to attract children like the plague, but there is a happy medium. We like to take or hire a car and maybe rent a villa or a cottage, so that can be as child friendly as you want it to be I suppose. I don't know anyone here who would go away without their kids - maybe it's a cultural thing? My family never did that either, and neither did DH's. It's kind of unheard of where I live, unless it's for a weekend or just a few days.

I wonder if it is cultural. Of all my friends with kids, there's only one couple who go away on holiday without them - and everyone thinks it's a bit strange of them.

We also tend to hire a cottage or villa and do a mix of kid and adult stuff.

So much depends on the child you have. Before I had Daisy I was firmly in the schedule, CIO box and if anyone had told me I'd have turned into a co-sleeping, baby-wearing softy who never let her kid cry and who was still breast-feeding at 2 I would have thought them mad. Once the baby is there you do what you must for your own sanity and with the material you have to work with.

I'm lucky to have a kid who doesn't get grouchy and overtired but I pay for that by having a kid who never goes to bed till 9pm or later. Other people are tied to the house at certain times because their children need to nap - but they get a 7pm bedtime and the evenings to themselves. It's all compromise!

 

[partgypsy]

I think all parents work out amongst themselves what the different roles are. For me, it is wake up time and bedtime. I work full time and even though my kids are not little anymore, it is nice to have that consistency and routine with them. It would be nice if the friend's husband would take over that night's reins but we don't know the situation. Maybe he would do it, but resentfully, or is really bad at it, etc.
I do know people who let their kids run their lives, but I don't see this example as one. Kids need consistency.
early.

Myself I poop out early so I could totally imagine if someone asked me to a weekly meeting that was scheduled at 8 pm on a weekday using my kid's bedtime as an excuse when that was only part of the reason.

 

[partgypsy]

Oops just realized that other people hit upon the same idea, that it could be a convenient excuse for a not convenient time/activity.

 

[Mara]

Like PG... I totally use the kid card. 6pm meeting at the office? Sorry that's bathttime and I am the one guaranteed to be home for it if G is working late or something. I'll call in for urgent items but I won't change my kid's schedule. And evening events, I never liked them anyway, and now I only go to a few a year.

re: vacations, it may be cultural because a lot of my friends do kid-less vacations quite often. They also typically DO family vacations too. Renting a cottage or a house or something is totally up our alley when we have family along or something. We have been talking about doing a summer house rental in Tahoe with G's family, that way we can drive rather than fly. But for the types of vacations we really love, aka just us at a pool at some posh resort, we DEF want to still do that at least here and there and it really rejuvenates us mentally.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I take "family free vacations" occassionally which I do under the guise of conferences with my friends from graduate school. 3-4 days away from hubby and kiddo is really nice for me . I have done it about 3x since Hunter was born. Heavenly.

We have taken a weekend away from our son twice in his life -- once for one night and the other time for two nights. It was really nice. I am not sure I would want to be away from him for longer, though, not now at his age. He loved staying with my mom, but he was a little stressed when we got back, I think because he did not really understand what had happened. So maybe we will go away longer when he is older and can understand more what is going on.

But I agree that going away with the kid is more work than fun. He doesn't sleep well, we have to sit in the room at 7pm because he is sleeping, we don't have all the paraphenalia that makes life with a kid easier. The best vacation for me is when my mom comes to visit (she comes every couple weeks) and we go out to dinner and a movie and then she wakes up with Hunter and does the morning routine and Dh and I sleep in together and have some nice couple time And then all day we have energetic and fun grandma around to amuse him while we sort of sit back a little. Now THAT is vacation!

My mom just bought a house in a really awesome place near us, and the plan when the kids are older is for them to go to grandma's for the weekend a couple times a month. Woo hoo! I am looking forward to that. Two years to go until our second will be old enough, and then FREEEEDOM!