Do you think it''s immature/tacky/stupid/whatever to ask future guests their opnion on your wedding

[Bia]

Gwens thread reminded me of a conversation I had with FI regarding our wedding. What do you guys think?

Since I am seriously considering a DW in PR, a lot of ''what ifs'' are coming into play. Many of our guests (mostly from my side) will be attending a DW regardless of where we have it (PR or NYC) because a lot of my side is in FL. So, FI and were talking about whether or not we should ask what our people think regarding the location. For instance, send out a wedding-email/poll asking what their thought are on a wedding in PR vs. NY, or whether they even care? Or if they''d come to one and not the other? In the hopes that it might help us make a decision already. Remember, I''m the know-nothing bride so I need help. Big time help.

Do you think that is ridiculous, or smart? Or unnecessary. foolish. tactless. etc. etc.

TIA

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Bia, it''s your wedding. Do what you want to do, have it where YOU want to have it. The people who matter will be there regardless of whether it''s in PR, NYC, on a Wednesday, Saturday, or in the middle of a snowstorm. Really, there are too many other things to worry about when planning a wedding, don''t stress over this

 

[sammyj]

Date: 4/16/2009 1:59:13 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Bia, it''s your wedding. Do what you want to do, have it where YOU want to have it. The people who matter will be there regardless of whether it''s in PR, NYC, on a Wednesday, Saturday, or in the middle of a snowstorm. Really, there are too many other things to worry about when planning a wedding, don''t stress over this

Agreed. While we''ve been looking at venues, I''ve been overly concerned about having guests drive AN HOUR from their homes to come to our wedding. You can''t please everyone, and the people who truly care about you and want to be there to celebrate with you on your special day will be there regardless of the location. I don''t think it''s immature or stupid or tack to ask your future guests, I just don''t think it''s necessary. If most of your guests have to travel regardless, then just pick the location where YOU want to get married!

 

[meresal]

Bia,
I think I would shy away from asking people their opinions. Some people won't reply because they feel awkward making your decisions for you, some will reply with "Do whatever you want hun, we'll go no matter what", and then others will give their opinion. But, what happens if you don't choose what they liked? I would feel horrible looking at the guests, and knowing that 5 or 6 of them would have preferred to go somewhere else.

I say do what you and your FI want!! Personally, for me, it's better to NOT know what my guests would prefer. I did alot of this thinking in the beginning, but after a month or two, you stop worrying about it. Your loved ones will be there for you no matter what

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

agreed. Don''t ask anyone other than parents and family. It''s not childish to ask, but I just don''t think it will be very helpful, plus then you''ll know they didn''t like your choice and they''ll know that you knew their preference but chose differently anyway.

 

[Octavia]

Well, I disagree a tiny bit because I think that if having certain people there is more important to you than location is, it''s not bad to run it by those people who are most important -- which could be more than just immediate family. But definitely not the whole guest list, that would be a nightmare! I wouldn''t ask anyone you don''t think would be completely honest with you, either, because that could lead to bad feelings later on.

 

[CDNinNYC]

Bia,

we were in a similar situation. FI and I live in New York. Our childhood friends and immediate family are in Canada and most of our extended families are in Europe. No matter where we had the wedding, it would have been a DW for many of our guests.

What we did was informally ask those most important to us their thoughts (ie. parents, siblings, closest friends). Ultimately we went with Mexico because we wanted to spend a week with our guests (who we don''t see on a regular basis), not just one day.

It''s your wedding; you should have it where you want with the understanding that some people won''t make it while others will do whatever they can to be a part of your day.

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 4/16/2009 2:28:08 PM
Author: CDNinNYC
Bia,


we were in a similar situation. FI and I live in New York. Our childhood friends and immediate family are in Canada and most of our extended families are in Europe. No matter where we had the wedding, it would have been a DW for many of our guests.


What we did was informally ask those most important to us their thoughts (ie. parents, siblings, closest friends). Ultimately we went with Mexico because we wanted to spend a week with our guests (who we don''t see on a regular basis), not just one day.


It''s your wedding; you should have it where you want with the understanding that some people won''t make it while others will do whatever they can to be a part of your day.

We''re in the same situation: We''re in S. FL., all of my family/friends are all over the place, except my mother who lives here in our city. FI''s entire family is in SC. The deciding factor for us was to do it in South Beach because my mother, who is a retired widow and not n the best of health can''t really handle traveling (financially or otherwise). FI''s family made a big stink about it (they thought it would be more logical to do it in SC because the majority of my invitees would have to travel ANYway, and they didn''t feel it was THAT big of a deal for my mom to travel from FL to SC.

FI''s family is still quite sore about it. They say little side-winding things in order to make me think that they''re sort of "threatening" to sabotage it. For instance: his sister is driving down on my actual wedding day. Driving from South Carolina to Miami Beach in one day with two kids and arriving in the city where the wedding is around the heaviest rush hour traffic. So it''s a subtle threat on her part that she''s going to show up late, and disrupt the ceremony by having her entire family of four people walking in late. It''s passive aggressive on her part because we didn''t do it in "her" hometown. I think she resents the financial outlay.

So, for the simple reason that his family is acting weird, I WISH I had involved them more in the venue-choosing stage of planning. It would have helped to avoid their resentment and it does make me feel kind of bad that they regard this as a burden.

 

[kama_s]

I wouldn''t ask everyone, because like others have pointed out, some will be hurt that you didnt go with their suggestion. I''d also feel awkward asking my entire guest list, but that might just be me!

Instead, I would ask very close family and friends, who you know would give you their opinion and not expect anything out of it. That way, you''ll know what your closest network would want and you can hopefully extrapolate that into what the rest of your guests would like. If nothing else, you''ll know the people that mean the most to you will be there.

Also, I''d suggest not sending a mass e-mail. Call each one personally and ask for their opinion.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/16/2009 2:27:01 PM
Author: Octavia
Well, I disagree a tiny bit because I think that if having certain people there is more important to you than location is, it''s not bad to run it by those people who are most important -- which could be more than just immediate family. But definitely not the whole guest list, that would be a nightmare! I wouldn''t ask anyone you don''t think would be completely honest with you, either, because that could lead to bad feelings later on.

yeah I agree. I''d mention it to the people that are close to you and that you really want there. If they''re definitely going then I wouldn''t worry about asking others are they ok with it.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

How many guests are you inviting, Bia?

My family had to travel for our wedding and I did call and ask my side of the family if it might be a problem, but that was only 6 phone calls, so it wasn''t that bad. I wanted to make sure I chose a date where they could all attend and I wanted to make sure that travelling was feasible for everybody...not too far or expensive. If I were inviting more than 50 people or so, I probably wouldn''t have bothered, but I have a small family and it worked out.

 

[Bia]

Date: 4/16/2009 2:42:17 PM
Author: Mediterranean

FI's family is still quite sore about it. They say little side-winding things in order to make me think that they're sort of 'threatening' to sabotage it. For instance: his sister is driving down on my actual wedding day. Driving from South Carolina to Miami Beach in one day with two kids and arriving in the city where the wedding is around the heaviest rush hour traffic. So it's a subtle threat on her part that she's going to show up late, and disrupt the ceremony by having her entire family of four people walking in late. It's passive aggressive on her part because we didn't do it in 'her' hometown. I think she resents the financial outlay.

So, for the simple reason that his family is acting weird, I WISH I had involved them more in the venue-choosing stage of planning. It would have helped to avoid their resentment and it does make me feel kind of bad that they regard this as a burden.

If this is true, it is very passive aggressive and just plain mean

Weddings should be joyous events, never tarnished with anger and resentment.

Thanks everyone, your input, as always, is very helpful to me

I am sort of torn because we are inviting only family and close family friends. Ordinarily that might not mean too many people but with FIs family friends added to the list, it tacks on a bunch more names. Everyone we are inviting is close to us and wants to be there for us, so that's why I was thinking asking would be the nice thing to do. But I also feel like we need to do what is best for us. If anything, I am more worried about my extended family because of the drama that follows them wherever they go!

I'm starting to get stressed out (I am easy to worry) because all I ever hear is how people can't wait for my wedding, like I need to live up to their expectations or something. My aunts especially treat it like its the event of the century and say they have been waiting since I was a little girl (I used to be snobby as a kid from what I understand...lol and made up elaborate stories about my future wedding).

FI said he'll marry me anywhere. He even suggested we fly away somewhere, elope, and then deal with the wrath as a happily married (and relaxed) couple when we return. I sort of like that idea...

 

[Elmorton]

Date: 4/16/2009 2:27:01 PM
Author: Octavia
Well, I disagree a tiny bit because I think that if having certain people there is more important to you than location is, it''s not bad to run it by those people who are most important -- which could be more than just immediate family. But definitely not the whole guest list, that would be a nightmare! I wouldn''t ask anyone you don''t think would be completely honest with you, either, because that could lead to bad feelings later on.

Ditto. DH and I talked about a DW, and then we asked a few friends and family members if they thought they''d be able to attend if we did something like that (btw, NOT a poll - we just brought it up in regular conversations).

NOBODY, and I mean NO ONE was pleased - not everyone was vocal, but we could tell from the silence/facials, etc. Our friends were mostly still in school/had first jobs with little vacation and income, our grandparents got stressed out at the very idea of having to get on a plane, and DH''s parents (divorced) weren''t happy with the idea of taking a vacation together. My parents basically thought the idea sounded tacky.

DH and I weren''t really tied to the idea of a DW (we just thought it might be easier/simpler/cheaper, haha - I realize now that''s not exactly the case!) but we DID want to have all our friends and family there. And, pleasing our family was REALLY important to us.

I think it really depends on what''s important to you - and there''s no right or wrong answer there! When you think of your wedding, do you think of your FI and you in a specific place? Do you think about certain people?

If it''s the place - go DW! If it''s the people, I do NOT suggest "sending out a poll" but do bring it up in convo ("We''ve been thinking about doing X....do you think something like that could work for you, too?" - not "where would you rather attend our wedding?") with just the people who are in your "inner circle" that you want there for your wedding, and simply guage how the majority responds.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think it is fine to ask whoever you want for their opinions, but I wouldn''t do it in a formal sort of way. Ultimately though, the others are right - its your wedding, have it where YOU want to.

 

[goldenstar]

I agree that you would be opening a can of worms. Everyone is going to have their own opinions and it will be really hard to make a decision. I checked with both sets of parents for our own wedding venue, and that''s it.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

As others have said, this is YOUR day and should go how YOU want it to... But I understand how you can be overwhelmed with finding an ideal location that your guests will enjoy and appreciate.

Perhaps you and your FI should talk to your parents about it, and only them? Four people may provide a whole lot of insight for you, and raise concerns that you didn''t think of yourself. Even though FI and I are paying for our wedding on our own, if my parents strongly objected to one part of our wedding plans, I would likely change them, just because there are still some times when I think my parents "know best."

And don''t worry about those aunts who are soooo looking forward to your wedding. I''m sure they ARE looking forward to it because they''re excited to see you wed and excited to see family and just have a fun, happy time! I doubt they''ll critique every little detail of your big day.

Just breathe. Try to enjoy the planning process without stressing too much

 

[Bia]

It''s this sort of stuff that is making me dread wedding planning. If I had an easy-going family then I wouldn''t care but there are just so many things to take into account.

However, I have decided that I can''t sit here for the next year and a half racking my brain over how to accommodate everyone. FI and I talked last night and he said that we will do whatever makes us happy. Whoever can''t come, oh well. As long as our immediate families are there that''s all we need. He''s a pretty smart guy

I am just starting to look into different venues here in NYC and will start looking into PR as soon as I get some information from a few of the hotels we are looking at. I will keep you all posted.

Thanks again to all who replied--where would I be without you?!