Do you feel comfortable asking favors from others?

[MichelleCarmen]

Some, it seems, feel comfortable asking favors. I don't. I feel like I should be responsible for my own situations and NEVER ask anyone to help out. The deal is others ask me. . .finally I do need help and I am unable to do so because I feel like it's rude to do so and almost like I'm "using" someone (and I asked one person and she said she can't). Does this somehow equate with me possibly feeling used by others? Now, I'm totally stuck in a situation where nobody is there

 

[TravelingGal]

I will ask for favors once in a long while if I need something, so it''s defintely a favor, not a habit.

I like doing favors for other people, so that usually doesn''t bother me. I also know how to say no if I really can''t do it, so that helps.

 

[meresal]

I have to literally be stranded on a road side to ask for help. If I am physically able to do the deed, and DH can't help when I might need it... then I will call.

Don't get me wrong, I love doing things for others, but I hate feeling obligated to. Which is the feeling I get once someone has gone out of their way for me. Like TG, this allows me to easily say no, when I really can't help or don't feel like the person asking will be very appreciative. (ie, the people that ALWAYS ask for help.)

I think the situation you are in, shows how the people asking you for favors feel about the situation in general. If you feel "used", then you feel liek other will do the same. It's not true though. Take some cookies or something over afterwards to show your appreciation. I'm sorry you can't find someone

 

[sparkly_stars]

i never ask. which is probably my own detriment.
i think i feel this way because some people have taken advantage of my good nature and completely misused their friendship.
i barely ever even talk about my problems to anyone for that matter (all things i''m working on, etc etc etc).

i suppose if i was in a state where i knew i needed something though...and if you know you hate asking and you still feel inclined to ask- THEN its likely a real scenario where you really should get the help you deserve!
so, maybe ask someone else?

i''d help if i could!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/6/2009 1:28:03 PM
Author: meresal
I have to literally be stranded on a road side to ask for help. If I am physically able to do the deed, and DH can't help when I might need it... then I will call.

A year back, I WAS stranded on the side of the road in my car with my two kids. My husband had flown out of state so he couldn't help. I called a friend for help and her reply was, "what do you want me to do, get you a number for a cab?"

That was the last time until NOW that I've asked for help.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/6/2009 1:29:06 PM
Author: sparkly_stars
i''d help if i could!

Thanks so much.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 10/6/2009 1:31:57 PM
Author: MC

Date: 10/6/2009 1:28:03 PM
Author: meresal
I have to literally be stranded on a road side to ask for help. If I am physically able to do the deed, and DH can''t help when I might need it... then I will call.

A year back, I WAS stranded on the side of the road in my car with my two kids. My husband had flown out of state so he couldn''t help. I called a friend for help and her reply was, ''what do you want me to do, get you a number for a cab?''

That was the last time until NOW that I''ve asked for help.

That''s not a friend. A friend would say where are you, I am coming right now to get you and the boys....

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am not good at asking for help. I cannot believe your friend would not rush out to pick you and your sons up. That is RUDE!

 

[dragonfly411]

I think it depends on the favor.... favor idea one - can you do me a favor and grab that fax? I can''t leave the phone and it''s in relation to the conversation. - yes I would

Idea 2) can you do me a favor and take me to the airport next week? - really depends on who, SO yes, family yes, friends no.

Idea 3) can you do me a favor and pay this bill for me? - never ever ever anything like that or anything really big.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/6/2009 1:45:28 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I am not good at asking for help. I cannot believe your friend would not rush out to pick you and your sons up. That is RUDE!

Ditto! I'd be rushing out to get my friend without a second thought (unless I really couldn't get away from work, in which case M would be sent rushing off to get my friend).

ETA: I'm not the type to ask for help unless I *really* need it. And even then, it's debatable if I'll actually ask.

 

[onvacation]

Date: 10/6/2009 1:34:32 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 10/6/2009 1:31:57 PM

Author: MC

Date: 10/6/2009 1:28:03 PM

Author: meresal

I have to literally be stranded on a road side to ask for help. If I am physically able to do the deed, and DH can't help when I might need it... then I will call.

A year back, I WAS stranded on the side of the road in my car with my two kids. My husband had flown out of state so he couldn't help. I called a friend for help and her reply was, 'what do you want me to do, get you a number for a cab?'


That was the last time until NOW that I've asked for help.

That's not a friend. A friend would say where are you, I am coming right now to get you and the boys....

Word! Sorry that happened to you, MC.

 

[MagsyMay]

I''m also horrible at asking for favors. Even when people offer and offer again, I feel like they are offering out of guilt and not because they truly want to help me out. Sometimes I think it makes other people feel like I don''t value their help or offers because I so regularly refuse.

 

[Liane]

Date: 10/6/2009 1:45:28 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I cannot believe your friend would not rush out to pick you and your sons up. That is RUDE!

Maybe she didn''t have a car?

That''s all I can think of. I don''t have a car. Lots of my friends don''t. So getting a number for a cab is about all I would be able to do. But you''re right, if she had the ability to help and just didn''t, that isn''t much of a friend.

Anyway, yeah, I''m terrible at asking for favors too. Sometimes I think if I ever got seriously sick I''d just curl up and die quietly instead of putting anyone else out of their way. Which is, of course, dumb beyond words, but I can still totally see myself doing it.

 

[Lauren8211]

I HATE asking for favors. It seriously made wedding planning a B&$%# since I wouldn''t ask for help!

 

[janinegirly]

I am very independent minded and almost never ask for favors, or more importantly, expect them. I''d do my best to get things done on my own first, and usually if I can''t physically do something myself, I can at least pay someone to do it (ie no guilt or expectation of something in return). I was an only child for many years (big gap b/ween siblings) and went to boarding school that was across an ocean from my parents, so I guess this is where it came from. Even with DH, I never ask for help with bags, or anything. I get annoyed with needy people!

BUT things changed a bit after we had a baby. I do ask for help/favors from FAMILY and in a way expect it. I classify that as different than non-family though. Plus I don''t see it as a favor, it''s participating in a child''s/grandchild''s life. And I try to reciprocate in other ways. Not sure if that''s what you''re asking....

 

[neatfreak]

I hate doing it but if I really need it I will ask. But it''s rare unless it''s something small (i.e., hey can you grab that for me on your way to the kitchen).

Now I will do any favor for a good friend. But someone who *I* can''t count on I won''t really go out of my way for unless it''s a critical situation and then I will do anything to help anyone really.

 

[Bia]

Date: 10/6/2009 1:31:57 PM
Author: MC

Date: 10/6/2009 1:28:03 PM
Author: meresal
I have to literally be stranded on a road side to ask for help. If I am physically able to do the deed, and DH can''t help when I might need it... then I will call.

A year back, I WAS stranded on the side of the road in my car with my two kids. My husband had flown out of state so he couldn''t help. I called a friend for help and her reply was, ''what do you want me to do, get you a number for a cab?''

That was the last time until NOW that I''ve asked for help.

These are the types of situations that would cause me to ask for help. Usually I only rely on family for emergency stuff, but sometimes s*** happens and you need a friend''s help. I have a rule, if I ask a friend for a favor/help and they make an excuse and do not help, I DO NOT ask them for anything ever again...believe me, I can read between the lines.

I''m a "helper," it''s in my nature to go out of my way for people I care about, even people I don''t care about - if they need help, I''ll extend help (whether it was asked for or not). But I also understand that not everyone is like that.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think it depends. Are you willing to return the favor? That makes all the difference to me. I am not a big favor-asker outside of my family or close friends...but if it''s something I can return at a point in time (like watering my flowers when I''m out of town) then I''ll ask.

Here is where "asking for a favor" becomes over the line...

My neighbor is a single mother. We''ve had our landscaping differences in the past, but we''ve managed to regroup and are on good terms again. Late this past summer she asked me if I''d be willing to care for her daughter "occasionally" in the evening if she had track practice (she''s a coach). I of course said yes, I adore her daughter and even more importantly, her daughter likes me.

Well...we''ve had her once or twice and both times have been a disaster. The time R was being dropped off was changed--but my neighbor never told me so I was panicking in the mean time. R, as it turns out, is allergic to peanuts--but she never told me until after I fed R a PB&J sandwich, luckly she isn''t anaphelatic-sick, just doesn''t "agree" with her. R, as it turns out, doesn''t watch TV--so I am required to read her nonstop books all evening. These things, IMO, cross the line from being a casual favor to high demand.

So, basically, the moral is...if I''m asking/doing a favor I expect to have all the details.

 

[Bia]

Date: 10/6/2009 2:34:37 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think it depends. Are you willing to return the favor? That makes all the difference to me. I am not a big favor-asker outside of my family or close friends...but if it''s something I can return at a point in time (like watering my flowers when I''m out of town) then I''ll ask.

Here is where ''asking for a favor'' becomes over the line...

My neighbor is a single mother. We''ve had our landscaping differences in the past, but we''ve managed to regroup and are on good terms again. Late this past summer she asked me if I''d be willing to care for her daughter ''occasionally'' in the evening if she had track practice (she''s a coach). I of course said yes, I adore her daughter and even more importantly, her daughter likes me.

Well...we''ve had her once or twice and both times have been a disaster. The time R was being dropped off was changed--but my neighbor never told me so I was panicking in the mean time. R, as it turns out, is allergic to peanuts--but she never told me until after I fed R a PB&J sandwich, luckly she isn''t anaphelatic-sick, just doesn''t ''agree'' with her. R, as it turns out, doesn''t watch TV--so I am required to read her nonstop books all evening. These things, IMO, cross the line from being a casual favor to high demand.

So, basically, the moral is...if I''m asking/doing a favor I expect to have all the details.

If you''re doing the favor, I think it''s in bad taste for her to expect you to act as the kids nanny. Maybe, yes, don''t feed the kid PB&J but having to keep her entertained all night? Ehh, no. She is crossing the line imo. But then again, I''d probably be too nice and do the same

 

[4ever]

I don''t ask for help or favors. I feel like if I do I''m putting someone else out, even for little things or stuff that it''s their job to do anyway.

I''ve been like that since I was quite young. There were three of us kids always asking mum to help us with homework or something and she was always allready busy cooking dinner or cleaning somthing, and she worked during the day too. It used to make me feel realy guilty and horrible for asking mum to drop all that and help with my homework. So I never did and have avoided asking for help or a favor or any assistance since.

I''m trying to train myself to ask for help and favours more because it really is hard when you can''t. Sometimes you just need someone elses help.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/6/2009 1:56:11 PM
Author: Liane

Date: 10/6/2009 1:45:28 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I cannot believe your friend would not rush out to pick you and your sons up. That is RUDE!

Maybe she didn''t have a car?

That''s all I can think of. I don''t have a car. Lots of my friends don''t. So getting a number for a cab is about all I would be able to do. But you''re right, if she had the ability to help and just didn''t, that isn''t much of a friend.

Anyway, yeah, I''m terrible at asking for favors too. Sometimes I think if I ever got seriously sick I''d just curl up and die quietly instead of putting anyone else out of their way. Which is, of course, dumb beyond words, but I can still totally see myself doing it.

She has a car. I''ve known her for 10+ years so I pretty much know about her basics. She wasn''t at work, either because it was a weekend.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 10/6/2009 2:39:36 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 10/6/2009 2:34:37 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think it depends. Are you willing to return the favor? That makes all the difference to me. I am not a big favor-asker outside of my family or close friends...but if it''s something I can return at a point in time (like watering my flowers when I''m out of town) then I''ll ask.

Here is where ''asking for a favor'' becomes over the line...

My neighbor is a single mother. We''ve had our landscaping differences in the past, but we''ve managed to regroup and are on good terms again. Late this past summer she asked me if I''d be willing to care for her daughter ''occasionally'' in the evening if she had track practice (she''s a coach). I of course said yes, I adore her daughter and even more importantly, her daughter likes me.

Well...we''ve had her once or twice and both times have been a disaster. The time R was being dropped off was changed--but my neighbor never told me so I was panicking in the mean time. R, as it turns out, is allergic to peanuts--but she never told me until after I fed R a PB&J sandwich, luckly she isn''t anaphelatic-sick, just doesn''t ''agree'' with her. R, as it turns out, doesn''t watch TV--so I am required to read her nonstop books all evening. These things, IMO, cross the line from being a casual favor to high demand.

So, basically, the moral is...if I''m asking/doing a favor I expect to have all the details.

If you''re doing the favor, I think it''s in bad taste for her to expect you to act as the kids nanny. Maybe, yes, don''t feed the kid PB&J but having to keep her entertained all night? Ehh, no. She is crossing the line imo. But then again, I''d probably be too nice and do the same

Ha, the food thing was hard.

She didn''t eat for her dad--who was supposed to feed her. R said she was hungry, so I ordered her "fancy" mac n'' cheese from a local resturant. She didn''t like it. I don''t, on average, keep kid-friendly food in the house, but I have bread and jelly and peanut butter. I asked her if she would like a PB&J sandwich, not knowing she can''t handle peanut butter. She said yes. So I fed it to her. She didn''t eat much--half the sandwich. She didn''t get sick, thank God, but when I told her mom she was like "oh, yeah, R is allergic to peanuts". Nice, huh???

I was sick over the incident for days, and thought about backing out of the remaining dates I have R. I felt like "hey, if you''re not going to tell me everything about her that may be important then I can''t have her as a liability on my hands"...but cooler heads prevailed and I am not one to leave someone high and dry. So I''ve since moved on. But I feel like I''m a non-paid babysitter as opposed to a safe haven for her. I think it''s so funny that after working a full day myself I have to hurry home (early) so I can baby sit. And I think it''s awful presumptious that my neighbor would think I have the time to sit around reading everything Dr. Suess ever wrote! As if!!! When I orginally accepted the favor I thought I would pour a bowl of Cheese-It''s and put on a Disney movie...I could chat R up passing through while I do what I need to do in the evening. But hey, I have no children so I must have no responsibilites right?

Anyway...sorry for the thread jack, but this thread just evoked my ill fated favor story.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/6/2009 2:34:37 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think it depends. Are you willing to return the favor? That makes all the difference to me. I am not a big favor-asker outside of my family or close friends...but if it''s something I can return at a point in time (like watering my flowers when I''m out of town) then I''ll ask.

Here is where ''asking for a favor'' becomes over the line...

My neighbor is a single mother. We''ve had our landscaping differences in the past, but we''ve managed to regroup and are on good terms again. Late this past summer she asked me if I''d be willing to care for her daughter ''occasionally'' in the evening if she had track practice (she''s a coach). I of course said yes, I adore her daughter and even more importantly, her daughter likes me.

Well...we''ve had her once or twice and both times have been a disaster. The time R was being dropped off was changed--but my neighbor never told me so I was panicking in the mean time. R, as it turns out, is allergic to peanuts--but she never told me until after I fed R a PB&J sandwich, luckly she isn''t anaphelatic-sick, just doesn''t ''agree'' with her. R, as it turns out, doesn''t watch TV--so I am required to read her nonstop books all evening. These things, IMO, cross the line from being a casual favor to high demand.

So, basically, the moral is...if I''m asking/doing a favor I expect to have all the details.

She''s a single mom and works all day? Her daughter doesn''t watch TV. Yeah, right!

FWIW, even though nobody ever watches my kids, my older son is invited to friends often and even though we have strict rules re: video games (weekends only), if the friend''s mom does let my son play them, I let it slide. Even if it''s violent ones with guns.

I cannot imagine placing demands upon an "unpaid babysitter," except the peanut issue. That is HER responsibility and major fault on her part.

 

[Shoopy]

I never ask for help. Ever.

People ask me all the time as well. As a matter of fact, a friend of mine asked if I could help with her Halloween party. I said sure, I''ll help when/where I can. It has turned into me co-hosting the party with a laundry list of things to do and she wants me there every weekend. I told her that I can''t commit this much time (helloooo I have a 3 month old and I''m working full-time+) and she actually got upset with it.

Some people...

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/6/2009 2:20:05 PM
Author: janinegirly
I am very independent minded and almost never ask for favors, or more importantly, expect them. I''d do my best to get things done on my own first, and usually if I can''t physically do something myself, I can at least pay someone to do it (ie no guilt or expectation of something in return). I was an only child for many years (big gap b/ween siblings) and went to boarding school that was across an ocean from my parents, so I guess this is where it came from. Even with DH, I never ask for help with bags, or anything. I get annoyed with needy people!

BUT things changed a bit after we had a baby. I do ask for help/favors from FAMILY and in a way expect it. I classify that as different than non-family though. Plus I don''t see it as a favor, it''s participating in a child''s/grandchild''s life. And I try to reciprocate in other ways. Not sure if that''s what you''re asking....

Family should be different, except there is STILL only one family member I can count on. With the rest of the family, we had the issue for years of empty promisses (they would say we''re going to pick the boys up on Sat and take them to a movie) then they wouldn''t show and my kids would be confused. Everyone was like that, so I wouldn''t risk depending upon them if I needed a specific reason the kids should be watched (and I''m NOT talking so DH and I can go out to dinner - but things like I have a conference with my son''s teacher and need him watched). For a certain event I''m looking for reciprocation, but finding it''s not going to happen.

Oh, and I get annoyed with needy people too. Must be WHY I don''t ask for help and also why I haven''t talked to my best friend since Feb. Can only take so much.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/6/2009 3:11:09 PM
Author: fiery
I never ask for help. Ever.

People ask me all the time as well. As a matter of fact, a friend of mine asked if I could help with her Halloween party. I said sure, I''ll help when/where I can. It has turned into me co-hosting the party with a laundry list of things to do and she wants me there every weekend. I told her that I can''t commit this much time (helloooo I have a 3 month old and I''m working full-time+) and she actually got upset with it.

Some people...

This happened to my friend too. . .someone asked her to help with a school/individual classroom event and she said yes, and then the ENTIRE event was dumped in her lap! Her son was in a different class. In the class my son was in, the same classroom event was dumped on me and I bit the bullet and asked for help from the parents and NOBODY responded until the very last minute (like two days before) and by then I had finished it all up on my own and spent about $100 of my own money.

Hope all goes well with your Halloween party. What bugs me most about stuff like this (aside from time) is that you find yourself shelling out money for stuff left and right.

 

[purrfectpear]

There are so few things I can''t cope with on my own that I guess I''m rarely confronted with the issue "to ask or not to ask"?

I did have a 300# table I needed to put a rug under this June, so I asked a guy neighbor to give me 60 seconds of his manpower

I don''t have a problem asking when it''s required, and I don''t have a problem saying no if I don''t feel like being volunteered. Saying and doing what you want is pretty basic stuff for me. I''m hardwired as an anti-pushover.

 

[tyty333]

Yeh, I''d rather knaw off my right arm then ask for a favor. Usually my only favors are asking my parents (or my ILs)
if they can watch the kids so hubby and I can have a date night. I do have a friend though (a single guy friend)
that I can ask favors. He can ask/has asked me favors since he has no family local and ususally doesnt have a
GF. He''s a great friend but I still feel guilty asking him.

 

[musey]

I'm learning how to say no. It's not easy.

I really dislike asking for favors. Having a dog, that I need to have watched by friends every now and then when we go out of town (rare, as he almost always goes with us), has taught me a bit about that. I drive my friends to the airport all the time, help people move (I had a large car until very recently, I was a popular person to ask for help in that area), drive them to-and-from doctor's appointments if they can't take themselves... but I still cannot ask people to return such favors. I end up taking a cab, hiring movers, walking, whatever.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am so independent, so don''t like asking anyone for anything. But as I have gotten older and many of my friends are dealing with aging parents, and deaths of loved ones... We are all there for one another. I used to be the one to want to do everything for everyone...

When I came home with broken ribs this summer, my friends called and said, I know you will say NO... BUT we insist on doing something for you. It was the first time, I accepted help. I really needed it too, and am soooo thankful they were there for me. Hubby was away, I couldn''t drive and I didn''t want for anything. I had meals delivered, and books, magazines. They came and sat with me and brought me movies.

It was hard cause I love to crack jokes, and the laughing was soooo painful. But their friendship priceless.

X 5
I was always one to do for others. This was a good lesson, people want to do for you too. I had a hard time letting them give back to me. But what I did learn, it made them so happy to do so.