Do you expect a favor in return for a favor?

[vintagelover229]

A post by my brother in law (for anyone reading my other thread-my younger sister married someone from the town I grew up in) about how ever since he could remember doing a favor for someone got him one in return and he was upset that he did something for someone and isn't getting a favor in return (no idea what it was but it was for a friend-now I know it was money to be paid back the next day idk how much but in this town $5.00 is a gallon of gas or milk so that's a lot to almost everyone I know in that town).

I posted that someone wise once taught me to never lend things/money with the idea you'd get them back and if you did get something in return (or your item back in the same condition you lent it out in) that's just an added bonus. I'm not one to do things expecting to get things in return (seems slightly manipulative to me-but to each their own) just doing things where I can because many people have helped me out (and continue to do so) out of the goodness of their hearts. I pay things forward when I can-and I lend out baby carriers to those who can't afford them-bake cookies/pay for dinner (which we can't always afford ourselves but can more so than the party we're going out with-usually my family lol) and never expect anything in return.

So-what about you? Is his mentality the norm or am I just a silly nit wit? (FYI if it's money there is always bad juju involved unless it's given IMO bc most people who are needing money lent aren't in the postion to give it back. I have never asked for money and if I did borrow it I'd pay it back if it took me the rest of my life to and I know there are people who really *do* pay people back-but that's not the norm usually).

Now I'm not saying that you continue to give give give since there are users out there and you need to know when you're being taken advantage of (there are people who know just want to look for) but the whole idea of if I baked a cake for my gf's kids birthday a couple of weeks ago she owes me one-is abusrd to me. Heck she told me she'd pay me back for the butter I used to make the frosting but do you think I'll ever ask her for it? If she remembers-great I can laugh about getting my $5.00 back for the buttercream but I'm not going to bother to remind her. That's just silly to me.

 

[chrono]

Most of the time I do not expect a favour in return. When it comes to money, I only give/lend a small sum and don't expect it to be paid back. If it is assistance in the form of labour, I also do not expect a return since I did it because I wanted to. Of course, I would be delighted if the favour is returned but I do not help others with the expectation of a quid-pro-quo.

 

[Puppmom]

I don't ever expect anything in return but, as the receiver of kind deeds, I'm compelled to give back. I'm the lucky recipient of lots of family help with our little ones and I'm always looking for ways to give back.

I don't borrow or lend money though. I deal in baby clothes and equipment. on that front, I'm just happy to know someone else will get use of things.

 

[amc80]

I think "expect" is a bit strong of a word. Maybe I'd hope for the return of a favor? Example- we have some friends who are in financial trouble. The wife just got laid off. DH and I were talking about what we could do and we decided to give them a $100 gift card to Walmart. We don't expect anything in return. BUT, if something happened down the road and one of us were laid off (and their situation had remedied itself), I would think they would return the favor. Whether a call of support, a meal, whatever. It doesn't have to be equal in value, just something to show that they were thinking of us the way we thought of them. I don't see this as a "return the favor" situation so much as a "friends helping friends" thing.

 

[asscherisme]

Most of the time I do not expect a favour in return. When it comes to money, I only give/lend a small sum and don't expect it to be paid back. If it is assistance in the form of labour, I also do not expect a return since I did it because I wanted to. Of course, I would be delighted if the favour is returned but I do not help others with the expectation of a quid-pro-quo.

ditto

edited to say that when someone does me a favor, I try and do something nice for them when possible but don't expect anything it return for favors I do.

 

[CJ2008]

I don't borrow or lend money...

But if I lend you money to pay for something, even if it's $5, and you say you're going to pay me back, pay me back.

I do believe people can genuinely forget...but still, next time we're buying a cake and you need to borrow for the buttermilk frosting I'll say I don't have any money.

As far doing things for people, it depends on what it is whether I would expect the favor in return...for example, if you ask me for a drive to the airport and say 6 months later I need a ride I'd expect that you'd TRY to give me a ride. If you can't that's of course OK - but I'd expect that you'd try. If it's listening, or advice, or help on things I'm knowledgeable about...I can give that a lot more freely and not expect anything in return...but eventually, if I'm always doing the listening and then when I need a listening ear you can't be bothered I probably wouldn't give you as much of my time going forward.

But in the example you give, I bake a cake so I expect one from you, no...like if I buy you a coffee one day just because I feel like it I'm not "waiting" for you to return the favor...but if the person surprised me and did it for me one day, that would be really nice...but if they didn't do it I wouldn't hold it against them.

 

[ringbling17]

I don't expect a favor in return for a favor....

But I do expect a Thank You!

Some people don't know how to say a simple thanks.

 

[Circe]

I don't think expecting to be paid back is equivalent to expecting quid pro quo favors.

And I say this as someone who probably has around 10k of free-floating loans to friends and family that I'm not expecting to see in this lifetime (our economy has sucked more or less since the day I graduated, and all it takes is one or two friends without insurance with medical emergencies for things to add up right quick). Like you, I don't loan money with the expectation of getting it back. The only exception to that would be chisling-friend-who-never-grabs-the-tab, where I will most certainly pointedly say things like, "so my picking up your half of the tab the last four times totally equals your picking it up now, riiiight?" (Haven't had one of those since grad school, though.) And as I am absent-minded, I fully expect people to do it to me: not like it's deliberate, but I've certainly forgotten or messed up, and I'd much rather be reminded than have ill-feeling fester!

But when it comes to favors ... yeah, I do. I think of it more as reciprocity, but if I'm always there for someone in their time of need and they fair-weather-friend me more than once, screw 'em. I'd rather devote more of my energy to fostering deeper relationships with the people who care as much about me as I do about them.

 

[missy]

I don't expect a favor in return for a favor....

But I do expect a Thank You!

Some people don't know how to say a simple thanks.

Yes to this. When I do something for someone it is because I want to and I feel it is the right thing to do and a simple thank you is all I want. I never do it expecting the favor to be returned because that just sets one up for disappointment IMO.

However, if a friendship is one sided over and over again and that person just isn't there for me when I need them the way I am there for them well, like Circe, I am done. Because while I believe you should put as much into a relationship as you want but if the other person doesn't put a similar effort and energy into that relationship that is telling you something. I don't like lopsided friendships because I do value each relationship and don't have the time and energy for friendships that are not valued by both involved.

 

[Indylady]

No, but I do appreciate a thank you or a dinner, but definitely don't expect the dinner part.

 

[JewelFreak]

No, I don't. I do things for people because they need to be done, not for any return. I usually try to forget it, in the sense of not waiting for reciprocation. My parents taught us that & we learned by example, watching them behave that way. A wonderful AA suggestion is to do something nice for someone every day & don't tell anyone about it. That's my philosophy. You help because it's needed, not for thanks, recognition, or payback.

However, Missy puts it well. If the favor becomes an expectation on someone's part, I quit. I ain't no doormat & have no trouble refusing if too much is asked too often. Helping a friend in need is one thing; when the need becomes a want, I'm outta there.

--- Laurie

 

[CJ2008]

A wonderful AA suggestion is to do something nice for someone every day & don't tell anyone about it.

That is really really nice Laurie.

 

[Maria D]

If I do someone a favor it's with no expectation of anything at all in return. If I didn't get so much as a thank you, or if later they wouldn't grant me a reasonable favor, I'd consider it a lesson learned and not be inclined to do them a favor again.

On the other hand, I feel indebted to people of whom I ask favors and therefore select whom to ask very carefully. I have a friend I like to call Anita, as in I-need-a Favor. While most are reasonable, some are (in my opinion) ridiculous! Example, can you come feed my cat this weekend? Sure, no problem. Can we switch cars for the weekend? Because I want to go visit a friend out of town and don't think mine will make it. Um, no. I am always gladly doing favors for this friend because I like her a lot and really don't mind. But I never ask her for a favor because then I'll feel that I have to say yes the next time she asks me for something - whereas now I only say yes if I want to do it.

 

[dk168]

I help if I can and do not expect anything in return.

However, if I sense that a person is forever taking without giving anything back, then I shall cut back from my offers to help.

DK

 

[marymm]

Well, I don't expect a quid pro quo, but in my eyes, "favors" are for family/friends - otherwise it is just a random act of kindness (which I also practice). So if at some point I realize all the favors over time are flowing in only one direction (from me to the other), I do re-examine the relationship and may well choose to limit or cease favors for someone who is a taker only.

 

[Karl_K]

life is too short to keep track of things like that

 

[Karl_K]

re money:
Giving someone a loan is stressful, helping someone out who truly needs it without expecting anything in return is satisfying.
Who needs stress????

Hmm that works for favors also but I never was one to track them.

 

[VapidLapid]

I do not expect favors or kindnesses or deeds to be returned, at least not by the recipient. It is important for me to give generously of whatever talents I have that are useful to those I know who need or are deserving. I give my time and experience and my labor freely. A kindness done today may come back to you tomorrow, or in ten years, or never. It doesn't matter to me because a kindness done is a gift, not only of the thing/act/deed, but of spirit. I think it is an ethos that makes a geographic neighborhood into a community. If my neighbors are away, I water their plants. If UPS comes to the building to make deliveries I let them in. If the person they need is not home, and they need a signature I sign for the package and leave them a note to get it from me. If someone is stuck in the elevator I get them out. When a friend of mine builds his 6 month seasonal pop-up cafe in the parking space in front of his coffee shop I build it with him. I also bring the tools. When the quasi schizophrenic seemingly homeless eccentric lady ( a fixture in the neighborhood) was being harassed by her slumlord I got a lawyer friend of mine to to talk to her to give her advice, and she ended up representing her pro bono throughout the whole thing, and won. The antique pram used as a planter at the store next to the coffee shop had a broken wheel. I took it home and fixed it, brought it back the next day without being asked, or even telling them that I was doing it. Don't get me wrong, I am no saint; I wasn't even a boy scout. But living in NYC for 35 years I have seen so much greedy, miserly selfishness and thoughtlessness that I feel compelled to go out of my way to do nice things. That is just me personally and I don't expect the same in others, but I do enjoy it when I see it.

If you are really interested in the sociology of reciprocity and obligation I recommend the book "The Gift" (Die Gabe) by Marcel Mauss.

 

[marcy]

No I don't anything when I do someone a favor. But as many of you have already said a thank you is always appreciated.

 

[Circe]

I do not expect favors or kindnesses or deeds to be returned, at least not by the recipient. It is important for me to give generously of whatever talents I have that are useful to those I know who need or are deserving. I give my time and experience and my labor freely. A kindness done today may come back to you tomorrow, or in ten years, or never. It doesn't matter to me because a kindness done is a gift, not only of the thing/act/deed, but of spirit. I think it is an ethos that makes a geographic neighborhood into a community. If my neighbors are away, I water their plants. If UPS comes to the building to make deliveries I let them in. If the person they need is not home, and they need a signature I sign for the package and leave them a note to get it from me. If someone is stuck in the elevator I get them out. When a friend of mine builds his 6 month seasonal pop-up cafe in the parking space in front of his coffee shop I build it with him. I also bring the tools. When the quasi schizophrenic seemingly homeless eccentric lady ( a fixture in the neighborhood) was being harassed by her slumlord I got a lawyer friend of mine to to talk to her to give her advice, and she ended up representing her pro bono throughout the whole thing, and won. The antique pram used as a planter at the store next to the coffee shop had a broken wheel. I took it home and fixed it, brought it back the next day without being asked, or even telling them that I was doing it. Don't get me wrong, I am no saint; I wasn't even a boy scout. But living in NYC for 35 years I have seen so much greedy, miserly selfishness and thoughtlessness that I feel compelled to go out of my way to do nice things. That is just me personally and I don't expect the same in others, but I do enjoy it when I see it.

If you are really interested in the sociology of reciprocity and obligation I recommend the book "The Gift" (Die Gabe) by Marcel Mauss.

This is quite inspirational. And thank you for the recommendation.

Oddly enough, I agree wholeheartedly with the ethos you describe: it just didn't occur to me in the context of this question because ... apparently, in my head, a "favor" is something done in the context of a long-term relationship. Nice things for strangers are ... something else, something I don't have a name for outside of "being decent." The incredibly angry security guard dealing with registering undergrads who clearly needed to be brought a snack, the panicked international student who was locked out of the building and needed a couch to crash on for the night, the nice vendor at the flea market panicking because her wallet was locked in her car and nobody would lend her the CC she needed to log into an auction she needed to win ... those aren't people who would even occur to me as being relevant to this discussion. Interesting.

 

[madelise]

People will be miserable like hell to the end of their lives if they counted and tallied every (+) and (-) favor.
You do favors out of the goodness of your heart, not for a chance for a payback.

 

[monarch64]

I really do not ever expect a favor in return for one. I was taught from a very young age to be a giver and to not look back.
My husband is the same way, and it's honestly come back to bite us many times. Still, we keep helping and providing favors because it's just in our nature. We'd rather live our lives helping than being helped, I think. And I say that with zero smug, seriously. It's more of a way of life than "well, this is what WE choose to do." Ya know?

Anecdotally: we do have a neighbor who seems very needy. And my husband and I joke about it. But we are always, always there to help this/these person/people no matter what. We are typically rewarded with whatever they can offer. The reciprocation isn't equal financially but it's definitely a "it's the thought that counts" situation every time. And that is really all that matters.

 

[vintagelover229]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. You have restored my faith in humanity lol!

I too believe there is a difference between random acts of kindness and a 'favor' but they fall into a similar category for myself. Growing up how I did I had many random acts extended my way and pay it forward in any way I can-even if I know that the person might not be fully honest about their intent. Mind you-I never do anything that I could/would hinder someone long term as we-ll as never put myself in a position that takes away from myself or my family and I don't allow myself to be taken advantage of and try to do it only where I feel it is appreciated.

I am still of the mindset of many of you-with regards to thank you's.

One example I will give is last summer I didn't have a car and my FIL had helped me make frames for my husbands surprise birthday party (the next day) and I needed to finish them. It was really hot but still a nice day so I popped my 9 month old on my back-and walked the 20 minutes (one way) to the hardware store with $10.00 in change on me (couldn't use my card bc he does all the $ stuff and would have wondered why on earth I went there). Got there and come to find out there was NO way I could finish the frames with a standard stain-I would have to use a spray. Which cost just a dollar more than what I had. No way was I walking home-walking back-and walking home again. One of the older employees (who had helped me find the right one) gave me the extra money so i wouldn't have to do that. I told him I'd bring him the $ back-he said don't worry about it.

A week later I come into the store (he really didn't remember me very well until I said the baby) with a paper plate of freshly baked cookies and brownies and the change (which he refused) and he was SO confused. In fact-I'm not sure he really appreciated my effort to thank him but I still felt better about it. My husband loved his high quality wood frames and I felt good about thanking the man-even if he did think I was slightly mad

That just showed me how little people say thank you or try to do something kind when someone does something to help them. That 1.50 might not have been much for him but for me it saved me at least an hour of walking in the heat with my son and delaying spraying the frames-which had to dry to do a second coat-and dry again to hide before my husband got home-was a LOT more than the money to me.

 

[Sky56]

A "thank you" and feeling of gratitude from the recipient is enough. I only do favors when I really feel like it. I learned long ago from experience not to loan money to people and never borrow money unless it is from a bank. Even the situations where the people paid me back, it felt awkward.

 

[LLJsmom]

Would never even occur to me. If I offer to do a favor, it's cause I just want to. Ends there.

 

[AprilBaby]

Not at all. And I love to do things for others.

 

[Nyc2chigal]

I enjoy helping others.

The only time I hesitate to help is the folks that I know take advantage of people.
I know a few.
And when they ask for help, I kindly reply no.


Random acts of kindess, people that are really down on their luck, those that are appreciative...
Those are the ones I help without batting an eyelash.
I never expect anything in return.

 

[soocool]

I never expect a favor in return from family, but I always get it nonetheless. Many times without asking. It is the same with my close friends. We do not keep count either.

In my neighborhood I will help out the elderly neighbors when they need it and never expect a favor in return. But there are younger people in my neighborhood who used to take advantage of our generosity without feeling compelled to do the same. Doing favors once or twice for them was ok, but it really did begin to annoy me when I asked something simple as "can you just take in the paper when we are gone for a couple of days?" and their reply was "Oh, I am not sure if I am going to be around?" DH and I do nothing for them anymore. We once plowed out neighbors who are over 20 years younger than us one bad winter, but when DH had his surgery and could not cut the grass not even an offer to cut it. Not even a phone call to see how he is doing. But they went out of their way to say how difficult it is to go to the store with the new baby and if I could let them know when I am going so I could pick up a few things for them.

So while I usually do not expect a favor in return for a favor, I do expect the people for whom I have performed lots of favors should at least offer or show an interest in you not just when they need your help.