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"Do twins run in your family?" (or how much would you discuss infertility treatment w/ strangers, fr

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cara

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Date: 8/4/2009 5:12:34 PM
Author: peonygirl
So it sounds like people agree with me that when people ask that question they're not actually wondering whether I have a hereditary disposition to hyperovulation, right?
This cracked me up, since it sure makes asking 'do twins run in your family' sound like a really personal question. and it got me thinking...

with the ps examples of two pairs of sisters (nycbgirl and her sister, and tgal's triplet-carrying friend with a twin-carrying sister) that have encountered fertility issues, maybe the question 'do twins run in your family' could be read to include 'do fertility issues (that can be treated with IVF and other drugs/procedures more likely to produce twins) run in your family?' in which case, maybe a mom could truthfully blame her clomid or IVF twins on known hereditary issues... and not bother to explain the nuances to the crosswalk lady or grocery-bag checker!

princess, i'm with you, i think i'm guilty of asking preggos and new moms a lot of annoying questions or making slightly rude comments and I didn't really think about how annoying they'd be until hearing others complain about them here or IRL. Some of it just has to be that a preggo belly, or new baby, or twin new babies (!) just attract a lot of attention, people want to comment and make chit-chat, but their comments just aren't that creative. So minorly annoying questions repeated 1000 times get really really old for the parents.
 

Logan Sapphire

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Date: 8/4/2009 7:28:50 PM
Author: neatfreak
Date: 8/4/2009 6:23:20 PM

Author: drk

Ok, NF, you totally need to get that sign made! It was baffling to me that so many people thought these fraternal girl twins I babysat (at 13 - what was their mother thinking, leaving 6 month old twins and their 5 year old sister with a 13-year-old?) were identicals. They looked completely different to me, there was never any question of me getting them mixed up. I can see how that would be totally annoying to you, to have to argue with strangers about whether they're fraternal or identical. Ugh.

Lol-yes it is completely baffling to me! I don't mind at all when people ask and then I can say no and that is the end of it. But seriously-people ARGUE with me about it! I still can't believe that people argue with me about my own babies and whether they are ID or not...
As I mentioned above, I'm a fraternal twin (conceived sans intervention), and people argue with my sister and me all the time whether we're fraternal or identical. It's sooo strange! But people have vastly different interpretations of our appearances. Some people can't tell us apart at all, and some people can hardly believe that we're related. Go figure. I think you can tell we have a family resemblance, but that's about it.

Has anyone ever heard of this (I'm not sure this even can happen, but for some reason I have it in my head that it's real)- where an egg splits, and then is fertilized by different sperm? So it's like a hybrid of identical and fraternal twins.
 

gailrmv

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I haven''t read all the replies, but I just wanted to point out that some people are probably asking this innocently, just making conversation, and not hinting at your reproductive history. I wouldn''t ask it now because I''ve learned that it can be an offensive question, but years ago I might have asked, just to make conversation, not to be nosy.

My labor went completely opposite of how I had hoped, and people (even strangers) ask me all the time how my labor was and if I had my baby "naturally", whatever that means to them. If I don''t feel like going into detail, I''ve just learned to say "it was pretty rough, but he''s healthy and I''m healthy and that''s all that matters." I''m sure you''ll find a similar response that is polite but doesn''t get too personal.
 

gailrmv

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Date: 8/4/2009 11:58:10 AM
Author: luckystar112
People can be rude, but you don't have to appease them.

It's no more anyone's business that you took clomid than someone else had a c-section. Notice people don't run around asking, 'Was she delivered vaginally?'
You'd be surprised. I get asked this A LOT. (Why do people care??)
 

kittybean

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Date: 8/4/2009 9:27:22 PM
Author: TanDogMom

My labor went completely opposite of how I had hoped, and people (even strangers) ask me all the time how my labor was and if I had my baby ''naturally'', whatever that means to them. If I don''t feel like going into detail, I''ve just learned to say ''it was pretty rough, but he''s healthy and I''m healthy and that''s all that matters.'' I''m sure you''ll find a similar response that is polite but doesn''t get too personal.
"Did you have the baby naturally?" is such an awkward question. Are you supposed say no if you didn''t have a vaginal birth? Are you supposed to say yes if you had a birth without pain medication? What about a birth without medical interventions? Is a birth at home considered the "naturalest" kind of birth, or is that the kind where no one there but you and baby? Which of these is "natural?" And if you didn''t have one or more of these situations, your child''s birth would have then been unnatural, logically.

I would get a kick out of telling people the story of my unnatural birth, i.e. my child teleported out of my uterus and materialized in his bassinet, ready to BF. Or maybe he used reverse osmosis to leave your body cell-by-cell and re-materialize into a baby once he was all out. Or friendly alien OB-GYNs from Roswell, New Mexico delivered the baby, beamed it up to their spaceship for a while, then brought it back to me already STTN =).

Okay, enough rambling, and (General PSA) enough asking people about what they do or do not do naturally as pertains to their bodies!
 

jas

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Date: 8/4/2009 4:48:44 PM
Author: Festy

Date: 8/4/2009 4:23:09 PM
Author: jas
Yeah, I got the ''are they natural'' question a lot when pregnant. I always said they were my kids and therefore by definition, unnatural. It usually confused people enough to leave me alone.

ETA -- then after delivering people asked how they came out. I immediately ALWAYS offer to show people my scar...without telling them where they came out...

This, by the way, is why I am not asked over to people''s houses anymore.
You are officially invited to my house!
Awesome! I''ll show you my scar!
 

Festy

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Date: 8/5/2009 11:01:14 AM
Author: jas

Date: 8/4/2009 4:48:44 PM
Author: Festy


Date: 8/4/2009 4:23:09 PM
Author: jas
Yeah, I got the ''are they natural'' question a lot when pregnant. I always said they were my kids and therefore by definition, unnatural. It usually confused people enough to leave me alone.

ETA -- then after delivering people asked how they came out. I immediately ALWAYS offer to show people my scar...without telling them where they came out...

This, by the way, is why I am not asked over to people''s houses anymore.
You are officially invited to my house!
Awesome! I''ll show you my scar!
I''ll get the camera ready!
 

iheartscience

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Date: 8/4/2009 8:16:05 PM
Author: Logan Sapphire
Date: 8/4/2009 7:28:50 PM

Author: neatfreak

Date: 8/4/2009 6:23:20 PM

Author: drk

Ok, NF, you totally need to get that sign made! It was baffling to me that so many people thought these fraternal girl twins I babysat (at 13 - what was their mother thinking, leaving 6 month old twins and their 5 year old sister with a 13-year-old?) were identicals. They looked completely different to me, there was never any question of me getting them mixed up. I can see how that would be totally annoying to you, to have to argue with strangers about whether they're fraternal or identical. Ugh.
Lol-yes it is completely baffling to me! I don't mind at all when people ask and then I can say no and that is the end of it. But seriously-people ARGUE with me about it! I still can't believe that people argue with me about my own babies and whether they are ID or not...
As I mentioned above, I'm a fraternal twin (conceived sans intervention), and people argue with my sister and me all the time whether we're fraternal or identical. It's sooo strange! But people have vastly different interpretations of our appearances. Some people can't tell us apart at all, and some people can hardly believe that we're related. Go figure. I think you can tell we have a family resemblance, but that's about it.

Has anyone ever heard of this (I'm not sure this even can happen, but for some reason I have it in my head that it's real)- where an egg splits, and then is fertilized by different sperm? So it's like a hybrid of identical and fraternal twins.
Hey Logan Sapphire, my twin sister and I get exactly the same thing! We are not identical and I think we look pretty different, but since we have the same general height/build/coloring people think we're identical.

We were (and still are) in the Mid-Atlantic Twin Study, and even the doctors running the study didn't believe that were were fraternal. My mom was like "They're fraternal-I was there!" but they still didn't believe her so they did DNA testing on us, and yep-we're definitely fraternal. And then there are the people who think we're lying when we say we're twins! Who knows-people are weird!

And I have heard of two separate eggs being fertilized by sperm from different men. But as far as the egg splitting and then being fertilized, I think that when the egg splits in identical twins, it's already fertilized.

ETA-oh, and we were conceived naturally, twins do run in our family, my mom delivered us vaginally and my twin sister was breastfed and I was bottle fed. (I was in an incubator for about 10 days after I was born and was too weak to breast feed.) Think that about covers it!
 

brightlight

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Date: 8/4/2009 1:59:15 AM
Author:peonygirl
As a quick intro to this post, I''m 25 weeks pregnant with twin boys conceived via Clomid. I never would have thought to discuss my ovulation issues with people outside my immediate family and friends and my own kids (once they were old enough to care). However, since I was one of the lucky 5-6% who conceived twins with the medication I am constantly being asked ''Do twins run in your family?'' by strangers and friends. I can''t help but think that they are implicitly asking whether I did IVF or used any fertility drugs. I was 25 when I conceived the kiddos, so I don''t really fall into the typical demographic people think of when it comes to ''needing help.'' I really have no problem discussing this though since I feel like people who struggle with TTC do need advocates who are open about their stories, but on the other hand the grocery store does not seem to be the right enviroment to be discussing my menstruation history.


Anyway, I was wondering what others would do in this case? I have also been asked point-blank by strangers, ''are they natural?'' and while I think that''s fairly impolite phrasing I have no problem answering ''nope'' with a smile. I do intend to tell my kiddos that mommy needed some help having them, but I really don''t know what to do about friends/family/strangers. Sometimes when people ask me the question about whether twins run in my family I do elaborate and say that I took Clomid, but it seems like only the infertiles truly get what that means. Occasionally people even respond, ''oh, I want twins too, I should do that!'' or ''so you knew you were probably going to have twins?'' both of which are just plain silly/uninformed. I really don''t give a darn what people think about me, but I want my kiddos to feel comfy with the situation since I know that later on people might be asking me in their presence. I don''t want their twinness to feel any less special to them just people deem it ''unnatural.''

Right now the biggest issue is what to do about my family. My mom and most of DH''s family know about the Clomid, but my dad didn''t know we were trying so it seemed like the ''we''re pregnant. . . and it''s twins'' surprise was pretty big and I postponed going into the intimate details of my gyn history. I''m not sure if I should eventually initiate a conversation or not worry about it unless he asks me directly. Of course, my more distant relatives have put a more personal spin on my initial question: ''But twins don''t run in OUR family!''

I would really like to hear what people think and what you would do in this case! Right now I''ve just been answering the questions that people ask me (not assuming they mean something else) but others do seem awfully curious!
Twins run in my family and my husband''s family. So, I''m pretty much scared s***less. Not that I don''t want twins, but my body is not equipped to carry twins.

When I ask people if twins run in the family, it''s because it''s just a fun thing to know for me. I don''t think about fertility drugs or IVF. I think it''s because I hear about it so often, it''s not a big issue for me whether people have assistance trying to conceive.
 

Hera

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I''m a twin and I still get questioned whether my twin BROTHER and I are identical. I''m a girl


I do get concerned that twins run in my family as fraternals are hereditary and I have an increased chance being over age 35. I haven''t heard of too many cases of twins having twins so I won''t worry too much.

I think you will have to be prepared for a lot of questions.
 

peonygirl

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LS, I think you are talking about polar body twins. They are quite rare but do exist.
 

Girlrocks

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My oldest daughters are identical twins, and I have 2 singletons after that. I got asked all the time when pregnant with the twins if I used fertility medication, but never ONCE with the 2 single pregnancies. Twins do run in my family...my grandmother was a twin and I have a cousin who had twins, but mine are identical so that isn''t hereditary.

My daughters are MOST DEFINITELY identical, but one day in the grocery store, I had someone ask me if they were twins, I replied yes. She stood there analyzing them for a minute, then looked at me again and said "are you sure?". Uh yeah, I''m pretty sure I was there when they were born.
 

phoenixgirl

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When I told my department chair I was pregnant, she immediately asked if it took us a long time to get pregnant, so that was pretty much point blank asking about fertility issues. She''s someone I get along fine with but not someone I would consider a friend (I was only telling her I was pregnant in her capacity as my pseudo-boss, not as a friend). When I gave her a ballpark figure, she immediately compared my "several months but not too long" to the other two pregnant teachers (one of whom really did try for years, though I don''t know what they did for fertility treatments, if at all, since *I would never ask somebody that!*).

I attended a conference with her a few weeks ago, and she announced how her husband had been wanting, you know, a lot that week even though she was really tired from the conference. And then she told me how either her bladder or her uterus popped out and was "hanging down" after she tried doing push-ups 6 weeks after giving birth. So I really don''t think she was trying to be rude with her questions. People who would share that kind of information themselves (or who at least think they would, never having had infertility to deal with themselves) don''t see anything wrong with soliciting it from others.
 

QueenB29

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Date: 8/4/2009 1:59:15 AM
Author:peonygirl
Anyway, I was wondering what others would do in this case? I have also been asked point-blank by strangers, ''are they natural?'' and while I think that''s fairly impolite phrasing I have no problem answering ''nope'' with a smile. I do intend to tell my kiddos that mommy needed some help having them, but I really don''t know what to do about friends/family/strangers. Sometimes when people ask me the question about whether twins run in my family I do elaborate and say that I took Clomid, but it seems like only the infertiles truly get what that means. Occasionally people even respond, ''oh, I want twins too, I should do that!'' or ''so you knew you were probably going to have twins?'' both of which are just plain silly/uninformed. I really don''t give a darn what people think about me, but I want my kiddos to feel comfy with the situation since I know that later on people might be asking me in their presence. I don''t want their twinness to feel any less special to them just people deem it ''unnatural.''


Right now the biggest issue is what to do about my family. My mom and most of DH''s family know about the Clomid, but my dad didn''t know we were trying so it seemed like the ''we''re pregnant. . . and it''s twins'' surprise was pretty big and I postponed going into the intimate details of my gyn history. I''m not sure if I should eventually initiate a conversation or not worry about it unless he asks me directly. Of course, my more distant relatives have put a more personal spin on my initial question: ''But twins don''t run in OUR family!''


I would really like to hear what people think and what you would do in this case! Right now I''ve just been answering the questions that people ask me (not assuming they mean something else) but others do seem awfully curious!


I would be really, really tempted to say something like, ''No, actually they''re aliens,'' or something.
It sounds like you''re far nicer than I would be.

As for your dad, is there a particular reason you didn''t tell him you were trying or about the Clomid? Personally, when the time comes I don''t plan to tell anyone DH and I are trying, but if there is a religious reason attached to why he might disapprove of Clomid, that might be different. If it''s just something you''re uncomfortable discussing with your dad, that I totally get. Are your parents still together? If they are, you might want to assign that task to your mom so he''s not totally surprised if someone tells him in the hospital waiting room or something. But he''ll probably be so happy to be a grandfather that he won''t care.
 

D2B

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Well, in general, I would say 90% of the time it is a perfectly innocent question - I have asked "do twins run in your family" and not thought about anything else other than making polite conversation and showing an interest ( andTBH they are interesting!)

It seems there is whole lot of loaded questions one can ask, which pre-frequenting parenting forums I had no idea would cause offence ranging from "is /he/she a good sleeper to anything related to milestones . I think most people are trying to make conversation and have not annalysed our sitation at all. Some people are just more comfortable asking questions of a personal nature eg did you breastfeed, I wouldnt think twice if a female asked me, but rightly or wrongly, would only feel comfortable if another dad with a young baby / toddler asked me that.

In the end, I assume innocent question, until proven otherwise


db
 

neatfreak

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Date: 8/7/2009 10:17:43 PM
Author: D2B
Well, in general, I would say 90% of the time it is a perfectly innocent question - I have asked ''do twins run in your family'' and not thought about anything else other than making polite conversation and showing an interest ( andTBH they are interesting!)


It seems there is whole lot of loaded questions one can ask, which pre-frequenting parenting forums I had no idea would cause offence ranging from ''is /he/she a good sleeper to anything related to milestones . I think most people are trying to make conversation and have not annalysed our sitation at all. Some people are just more comfortable asking questions of a personal nature eg did you breastfeed, I wouldnt think twice if a female asked me, but rightly or wrongly, would only feel comfortable if another dad with a young baby / toddler asked me that.


In the end, I assume innocent question, until proven otherwise



db
Unfortunately in my experience I am often proven otherwise.
 

Smo

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I am going to add that I didn''t realise that it was rude to ask someone if twins run in the family. I guess I (like a lot people) think twins are amazing, I always thought it would be cool to have a twin brother or sister (mostly a twin sister because I loved the Sweet Valley High books as a kid!
)

I just wanted to say that if I asked someone if twins ran in their family and they responded that they didn''t then, I wouldn''t automatically assume that you had had some help and that''s why you ended up with twins (I even doubt that would even occur to me!). I would just think that it was cool that you are having twins!

For those other people who do ask whether they are natural or other such rude questions, try not to let it get you. Some people are just clueless. I think they answer "well they do now" is a great one, and hopefully people will realise they have been impolite and mind their manners in the future.

Also, I just wanted to add, I don''t understand how people think that having some help to get pregnant isn''t "natural". That is just stupid. If you had some help getting pregnant then to me that shows that you really wanted kids, how special it is that you are now pregnant and are going to be a parent. I hope that makes sense and doesn''t sound silly.

Congratulations by the way!
 

neatfreak

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Date: 8/8/2009 1:24:31 AM
Author: Smo
I am going to add that I didn''t realise that it was rude to ask someone if twins run in the family. I guess I (like a lot people) think twins are amazing, I always thought it would be cool to have a twin brother or sister (mostly a twin sister because I loved the Sweet Valley High books as a kid!
)
Just to clarify it isn''t rude to ask JUST that if it is innocent (IMO of course). But often it IS a veiled attempt to find out more about whether the twins were spontaneous or "helped" along. And many women who had help conceiving don''t want to talk about it with a perfect stranger.

It can just create an uncomfortable situation if you follow up that question with one of the inevitable follow ups about IVF, "help", whatever you want to call it. Many women aren''t comfortable talking about their fertility problems with random strangers and who can blame them?

Unfortunately a lot of people DO follow up by asking how the babies were conceived which IS an uncomfortable AND rude question.
 

somethingshiny

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I just have another thought to run by this thread.

If someone is asking if twins runs in the family, obviously you''ve told them you''re having twins. At what point does the conversation become rude if you''ve already played along?
 

neatfreak

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Date: 8/8/2009 1:16:06 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I just have another thought to run by this thread.


If someone is asking if twins runs in the family, obviously you''ve told them you''re having twins. At what point does the conversation become rude if you''ve already played along?
When they start asking you about whether they were "natural" or not, if you had help, if you will breastfeed, if they were delivered naturally, etc. is when it goes over the line for me unless it''s a friend.

If they just say "Do twins run in your family?" and you say "no" and then they say "well you are so lucky then!" or something inane like that I don''t think it was rude at all. But if they follow up the family question with "Oh, so then did you have help/use IVF,etc?" is when it crosses the line for me.

Unfortunately this happens more often than not. It seems that no one on this thread can believe this-but believe me it happens SO SO often. People just don''t seem to have the same boundaries with asking about multiples as they do when asking about a singleton.

I applaud all of you who DO have the common sense to see that it is still inappropriate to ask about someone''s fertility history at a grocery store whether it''s multiples or not. Trust me I appreciate it when I don''t get grilled about it!
 

Logan Sapphire

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Date: 8/8/2009 1:27:25 PM
Author: neatfreak
Date: 8/8/2009 1:16:06 PM

Author: somethingshiny

I just have another thought to run by this thread.



If someone is asking if twins runs in the family, obviously you''ve told them you''re having twins. At what point does the conversation become rude if you''ve already played along?

When they start asking you about whether they were ''natural'' or not, if you had help, if you will breastfeed, if they were delivered naturally, etc. is when it goes over the line for me unless it''s a friend.


If they just say ''Do twins run in your family?'' and you say ''no'' and then they say ''well you are so lucky then!'' or something inane like that I don''t think it was rude at all. But if they follow up the family question with ''Oh, so then did you have help/use IVF,etc?'' is when it crosses the line for me.


Unfortunately this happens more often than not. It seems that no one on this thread can believe this-but believe me it happens SO SO often. People just don''t seem to have the same boundaries with asking about multiples as they do when asking about a singleton.


I applaud all of you who DO have the common sense to see that it is still inappropriate to ask about someone''s fertility history at a grocery store whether it''s multiples or not. Trust me I appreciate it when I don''t get grilled about it!

I believe you, neatfreak! It seems to me that if you don''t build your family the "normal" way, it''s like you''re fair game to be asked anything and everything. Since I''m Asian, a twin, an adoptee, and an adoptive parent, I''ve been asked plenty of rude questions. Before we adopted, I would tell my husband about all the rude things I''ve encountered and he never really believed the extent of it. Now he believes me!
 

Tacori E-ring

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Date: 8/4/2009 11:58:10 AM
Author: luckystar112
Notice people don''t run around asking, ''Was she delivered vaginally?''
Actually they do
 

purrfectpear

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This thread is like someone who has had a mastectomy thinking everyone is trying to suss it out when someone compliments her on her choice of blouse


To those who really believe all those people are trying to find out if you''ve used IVF, as an older woman I''d remind you that the question of "do twins run in your family" has been asked since way, wayyyy before IVF was even invented. I''ve asked it, and I''ve heard it asked, and as far as I know it''s no more than a question of whether there is a history of twins, or whether you were the first in several generations and received a happy surprise.

I think none of you would even suspect anything more than that, if you hadn''t had trouble conceiving. You are understandably sensitive about what is a personal issue. Please rest your minds about twin questions. The likelyhood of twins is frequently a familial trait. As an example, no one in many many generations on either side in my family had ever had twins. I would have been floored to find myself with twins (aka happy surprise). If hubby had twin siblings, or his or my parents were twins, then I would have figured "hey I wonder if I''ll have twins".

Feel free to ignore the questions, but I think you''ll do yourself a favor if you accept the fact that the majority of people asking don''t have a hidden agenda
 

Kasey3

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Date: 8/8/2009 8:37:28 PM
Author: purrfectpear
This thread is like someone who has had a mastectomy thinking everyone is trying to suss it out when someone compliments her on her choice of blouse


To those who really believe all those people are trying to find out if you''ve used IVF, as an older woman I''d remind you that the question of ''do twins run in your family'' has been asked since way, wayyyy before IVF was even invented. I''ve asked it, and I''ve heard it asked, and as far as I know it''s no more than a question of whether there is a history of twins, or whether you were the first in several generations and received a happy surprise.

I think none of you would even suspect anything more than that, if you hadn''t had trouble conceiving. You are understandably sensitive about what is a personal issue. Please rest your minds about twin questions. The likelyhood of twins is frequently a familial trait. As an example, no one in many many generations on either side in my family had ever had twins. I would have been floored to find myself with twins (aka happy surprise). If hubby had twin siblings, or his or my parents were twins, then I would have figured ''hey I wonder if I''ll have twins''.

Feel free to ignore the questions, but I think you''ll do yourself a favor if you accept the fact that the majority of people asking don''t have a hidden agenda
+1

I have asked this question before as in.. was it a total surprise or do they run in your family? Twins are just so special you know!
 

neatfreak

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Date: 8/8/2009 8:37:28 PM
Author: purrfectpear
This thread is like someone who has had a mastectomy thinking everyone is trying to suss it out when someone compliments her on her choice of blouse



To those who really believe all those people are trying to find out if you''ve used IVF, as an older woman I''d remind you that the question of ''do twins run in your family'' has been asked since way, wayyyy before IVF was even invented. I''ve asked it, and I''ve heard it asked, and as far as I know it''s no more than a question of whether there is a history of twins, or whether you were the first in several generations and received a happy surprise.


I think none of you would even suspect anything more than that, if you hadn''t had trouble conceiving. You are understandably sensitive about what is a personal issue. Please rest your minds about twin questions. The likelyhood of twins is frequently a familial trait. As an example, no one in many many generations on either side in my family had ever had twins. I would have been floored to find myself with twins (aka happy surprise). If hubby had twin siblings, or his or my parents were twins, then I would have figured ''hey I wonder if I''ll have twins''.


Feel free to ignore the questions, but I think you''ll do yourself a favor if you accept the fact that the majority of people asking don''t have a hidden agenda
I had no trouble conceiving. I became pregnant with twins spontaneously the first month we were trying-so I am not sensitive about it. But I still think it''s rude to ask about someone''s fertility history whether I used IVF or not!

I live it. Daily. Trust me-many people step over that line on a daily basis and think it''s their business to ask how my children were conceived. It''s rude. Period.

I don''t get my panties in a knot at all when someone simply asks if twins run in my family. But I do brace myself for the follow up questions! And am pleasantly surprised when I get none.
 

jas

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 9, 2006
Messages
1,991
Date: 8/8/2009 9:49:04 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 8/8/2009 8:37:28 PM
Author: purrfectpear
This thread is like someone who has had a mastectomy thinking everyone is trying to suss it out when someone compliments her on her choice of blouse



To those who really believe all those people are trying to find out if you''ve used IVF, as an older woman I''d remind you that the question of ''do twins run in your family'' has been asked since way, wayyyy before IVF was even invented. I''ve asked it, and I''ve heard it asked, and as far as I know it''s no more than a question of whether there is a history of twins, or whether you were the first in several generations and received a happy surprise.


I think none of you would even suspect anything more than that, if you hadn''t had trouble conceiving. You are understandably sensitive about what is a personal issue. Please rest your minds about twin questions. The likelyhood of twins is frequently a familial trait. As an example, no one in many many generations on either side in my family had ever had twins. I would have been floored to find myself with twins (aka happy surprise). If hubby had twin siblings, or his or my parents were twins, then I would have figured ''hey I wonder if I''ll have twins''.


Feel free to ignore the questions, but I think you''ll do yourself a favor if you accept the fact that the majority of people asking don''t have a hidden agenda
I had no trouble conceiving. I became pregnant with twins spontaneously the first month we were trying-so I am not sensitive about it. But I still think it''s rude to ask about someone''s fertility history whether I used IVF or not!

I live it. Daily. Trust me-many people step over that line on a daily basis and think it''s their business to ask how my children were conceived. It''s rude. Period.

I don''t get my panties in a knot at all when someone simply asks if twins run in my family. But I do brace myself for the follow up questions! And am pleasantly surprised when I get none.
+1.

NF and I have similar stories, however, DH and I weren''t trying. As I think has been mentioned, the question in and of itself is often innocuous, although IMHO not necessarily one that someone should ask (especially a stranger.) I happily answer it.

The problem is the follow up questions. There are boundaries. As one former poster said (and it may have been NF?) the questions about genetics, history, medical intervention, process of birth, breastfeeding choices fly at you, it seems, much more readily when there are multiples. Too often, the "twins in the family" is a gateway question to more invasive questions. THOSE are the problems. And I also get those questions every day. EVERY DAY. It''s an odd question to be asked, and I do brace myself for when I say "no, there aren''t twins in our families" to hear "oh, did you have IVF? Are you/did you breast feed? C-Section?"because I get that far more often than I don''t. From strangers. From acquaintances.

Yes, the IVF issue is new, and perhaps that should at least give people pause before asking about twins now, whereas before, it may have been a less "touchy" subject. (I say "touchy" for lack of a better word. I haven''t had my coffee today.)

It''s not that I think my body is a holy shrine that no one has the right to look at/question. Nor do I think my boys'' gestation, delivery, and/or nourishment was so special that no one could ever or should ever have the right to know. I''m not special. I am, however, private. Certain issues are more private for some people than others. I''d prefer if folks erred on the side of caution about asking about my uterus, fetuses, vagina, breasts, or babies'' milk delivery system. Other people I know discuss their bodies with alacrity and throw caution to the wind. Some gal was chatting away to her BFF about her yeast infection on line at Starbucks the other day. Not my cuppa tea, but hey, that''s her.

If it''s appropriate to a conversation I''m having with someone I know, I''ll share whatever seems germaine to the conversation. I''m the chick who always offers to show people her c-section scar. But no one wants to see it, so far.

I love not getting any followup other than, "They''re adorable! Congratulations!" That''s welcomed and appreciated!

I don''t think the comparison to the mastectomy is apples to apples.
 

purrfectpear

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2008
Messages
4,079
No kidding? Wow, things have really changed a lot in 25 years. When I was pregnant the only questions that were common from strangers were; "which do you want, a boy or a girl?" "do you know the sex yet?" "are you doing Lamaze?", that was about the extent of personal questions. I guess I didn''t mind answering, but no one ever asked me about medical stuff
People really do that now? Weird.
 

neatfreak

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14,167
Date: 8/9/2009 7:09:15 PM
Author: purrfectpear
No kidding? Wow, things have really changed a lot in 25 years. When I was pregnant the only questions that were common from strangers were; ''which do you want, a boy or a girl?'' ''do you know the sex yet?'' ''are you doing Lamaze?'', that was about the extent of personal questions. I guess I didn''t mind answering, but no one ever asked me about medical stuff
People really do that now? Weird.
All the time. And really, people seem to think that when you have multiples they can ask WHATEVER they want. I tell you, common sense goes out the window to many people when it comes to twins.
 

vip0802

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
979
peonygirl - congratulations on your expecting twins!!!!
how exciting!

i''m the same boat as princesss. once in a while, if i see twins or multiples, i can''t help but ask if it runs in the family. the only reason though is because twins do run in my family, and i''m always curious to know if i''ll be genetically inclined to have them myself. i have a set of twin girl cousins on my father''s side and twin boy cousins on my mother''s side. however, i will say that i don''t believe that i do it in an intrusive way and i''ve never asked if they were "natural".
some people just have no couth.
 

Mandarine

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2006
Messages
3,786
I guess I''m in the minority that these type of questions don''t really bother me....I assume positive intent and depending on how I feel I''ll either give a short (but polite) answer or I''ll strike up a conversation (hey, I work from home and sometimes welcome interaction with starngers at te grocery store!).

I''ve gotten comments like "wow, you''re HUGE", "wow, you must be about to pop" or "no way you''ll make it much farther" or "wow, your hips REALLY widen!"...lol
. Those comments do bother me more than anything that has to do with the twins, twin pregnancy/delivery, etc...but again, I think sometimes people just don''t know what to say. What may be a sensitive topic for one person, may not be for another....so I take it with a grain of salt and move on.

Granted I''m still pregnant with the twins, so this may change once they''re actually here!.
 
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