do people make up their own etiquette rules?

[Kaleigh]

Well this is news to me. We spend about $100 on a gift, to $250, all depending on how close we are to the couple. We don''t go to a lot of weddings now, as everyone is married. But do have friends whose kids are getting married. Are very close to them, so spend a bit more. But yeah, I don''t think it''s a rule around here. I would have no clue as to what a couple was paying per plate, and think it''s rude to ask the guests, to guestimate??? Funny how things change over the years. When I got married 20 years ago, there were no expectations, etc...

 

[diamondfan]

I think IF you are in wedding mode or are a good estimator and can AFFORD that amount and would give it anyway, fine. Otherwise, yick. You host a wedding for people to share in your day, you do NOT do it for gifts. If so, then do not have a wedding, go to the judge, keep all you would have spent on the wedding and buy yourselves stuff! This just makes me sick. When I had my son''s bar mitzvah I heard this too. Some kids from his class came, they do not have a lot of extra money, they gave 18.00 in cash in an envelope, (this is a lucky number and you are supposed to give multiples of it for luck, so 18.00, 36.00 etc) Here were these non Jewish kids, kids whose families have limited funds, trying and caring enough to find out about a tradition in Judaism...of course it cost me way more than that to have them but that is not why I invited them, they were there to have fun with my son and that is what they did! He would not have traded it for the world, and I did not have the party looking to get a certain amount back in gifts.

 

[Blenheim]

I agree completely with Gypsy and DF.

 

[hikerchick]

I have also heard the "rule" . . . but mostly I base my gift giving on how well I know the person, what my financial situation is at the time and if I bring a guest or not. I have given as little as $30 (when I was in college) up to $300 (for my cousin''s wedding last summer). I think do keep in mind how expensive the venue is . . . it is almost automatic. For instance I had a friend who had a hot dogs and beans wedding in a barn with about 80 people and I gave her a little less than a friend of the same "level" who had a 4 course meal at a banquet hall with 200 people. So, even though I think it is tactless for a bride to make such a statement or such demands, it is a general rule I have heard of and followed.

BTW, I was in school in NY when I heard of this rule . . .

 

[Blenheim]

What bothers me about this is that it''s solely our decision how much we choose to spend on our wedding, and it just seems to me like other people shouldn''t be responsible for helping us with our financial decisions. If someone can afford to spend $50, they should be able to feel fine with spending $50 without feeling guilty that they didn''t cover their seat (and hence my decision to spend that much money on catering).

I''m not sure if what I''m saying really makes sense.

 

[DiamondSeeker7]

Isn''t it strange how things vary in different parts of the country. I end up spending soo much money for weddings that after a while you just want to respond "No". Between the wedding gift (money), the shower gift and attire for the event I easily spend a few hundred dollars. I have friends who actually go online to the website of the place where a wedding is being held to check the prices per head. Crazy right?

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/5/2007 1:04:20 AM
Author: Blenheim
What bothers me about this is that it's solely our decision how much we choose to spend on our wedding, and it just seems to me like other people shouldn't be responsible for helping us with our financial decisions. If someone can afford to spend $50, they should be able to feel fine with spending $50 without feeling guilty that they didn't cover their seat (and hence my decision to spend that much money on catering).


I'm not sure if what I'm saying really makes sense.

Makes perfect sense. The Bride and Groom make a per head decision based on THEIR financial ability. Not their guest's financial ability, right?. I seriously doubt that the brides in NJ/NY think, "Oh I can't spend $150 a head on this venue I love, because my guests wouldn't be able to afford covering that... I'll go with this cheaper place that I dislike because it's only $75 a head." Heck no, they go with what they want. And they should. But they should also realize that their decision then doesn't obligate the GUEST, who has no input on this, to shell out $150 a head instead of the $75 they can afford. Or the $25 they can afford.

Again, as a guest you are NOT obligated to give the couple anything beyond your good wishes. A card is enough. One of my best friends is still in grad school, she's going to be my attendant and I'm helping her with her dress costs. And I've told her I don't want or expect a gift from her as she and her DF will be traveling from TX to attend my wedding. I want her there, and if it comes down to me helping with the plane tickets or their hotel, I'll even help with that. Now if she does not give me a nice card, I'll be upset.

 

[diamondfan]

Gypsy, that is so nice of you. The memories of having her there will be nicer than any place mat or picture frame you could get...

I cannot believe people check out the prices of the place. There are so many factors to the price, and a guest might be able to get into the general range, but do they know if the bride and groom went with upcharged items, more expensive wine or more courses etc? It just gets to be too silly and obnoxious to me. My mother in law, back in the day 17 years ago, knew I was so organized and a great list keeper. Even a few years after my wedding, she would call and ask if so and so came to my wedding and what did they give me, what did it cost? I asked why. Well, THEIR kid is now getting married and she wants to know what this person gave me years earlier so she does not spend more than they did on a gift. I did not want to go there, did not think it was nice at all, especially since my in laws had money issues. I told her, it does NOT matter what someone gave me at my wedding. Get what you WANT to get, what you can afford to get, and forget the tit for tat stuff. Sheesh, it was so ridiculous!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/5/2007 2:23:49 AM
Author: diamondfan
Gypsy, that is so nice of you. The memories of having her there will be nicer than any place mat or picture frame you could get...

That''s exactly it. I am inviting people because I want them there. I also have a pet peeve about inviting people who you KNOW won''t attend just to get more gifts too (I have a cousin-- 50th cousin a 100 times removed or something like that-- getting married in 2 months that did that to me. I''m livid.) I''m just NOT inviting anyone I really don''t want to wedding-- EXCEPT my boss, and my boss''s boss. Regardless of my parent''s obligations to their friend''s weddings. My parent''s aren''t paying for the wedding... I am, and if I can''t afford to have someone at my wedding, or if I just flat out don''t want them there, I''m not inviting them just to get gifts. I''ve had a fight with my mother about this because my mother, since marrying my step-father (wasn''t like this before), frequently confuses money with class. Greed isn''t classy.

 

[diamondfan]

No, and the issue with who should be invited is age old. At my wedding, my hubby and I had so few friends because the place I got married could hold MAX 200 people and my father in law to be had a list of of like 400 and freaked that he had to cut, and then my step dad, fairly new to the scene at the time in terms of being married to my mom (but a long term friend prior to the marriage) wanted to invite some of his friends from Boston, which while nice, was taking away my friends or dh''s and they were HIS friends from Boston, people I never met...and we had a war about it. He ended up being pretty pissy instead of understanding that we had to make cuts and that while it was nice he wanted to invite friends, there just was no room...and certainly if I could have a lot more people he could have guests there too...it was just ugly...