Do people always expect something in return?

[MichelleCarmen]

Okay, my DH got a new job in Sept and we're doing good financially. Able to live off one income and put $ in savings. The deal I posted about a while ago (my summer living situation) has resulted in me not talking to my inlaws and not letting my kids be around them. Well, as it turns out, DH isn't having relations either (I was unsure of this until recently). Suddenly, she is giving us money.

This is irritating the hell out of me. Mostly because if we don't take it we're "ungrateful" and if we do take it, we're eating away her social security, etc. No win situation. She will rip us to shreds either way.

After we moved, she tried to buy us a new dining room set and I refused and bought one on my own...now this.

Sounds like she's trying to buy me back...yes or no? Should I buy diamonds with her SS funds? lol

Generally, do you gals think her actions are indicative of a person who's trying to say sorry in the only way she knows how...by money?

 

[dragonfly411]

MC - I don't think you should take the money. I don't care if she calls you ungrateful. She could later use this as a way to hold you in debt, or hold it over your heads. You should be firm with your DH that you will not be accepting any money from her. She sounds verrrrrry manipulative and controlling and abusive.

 

[lyra]

Sounds manipulative to me. I honestly feel that some day in the future she's going to use it against you. Perhaps you could start a college fund for your kids or something with the money so she couldn't very well say you wasted it or whatever. Or savings bonds or something like that for the kids. Hopefully she wouldn't be evil about that, but then again who knows. I don't suppose you can refuse it, so do something positive with it that would be hard for her to refute? Good luck. I'd hate to be in your situation, and do think your IL's have some serious mental health issues.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yeah, I kinda think it's her trying to win back DH's & my favor via playing a game - money always talks!...plus, knowing that in some point, we'll be taking care of her and she is now worrying about all the ways we may not quite be nice about that. I have too great of an imagination like giving her a place to live, but filling it will 20 cats! hahaha

Maybe she just is nuts and I can get her committed.

On a plus note, I do love my new dining set! It fits perfectly in our dining room. We'll have to get a larger table when we move, though, since our current space is on the smaller side.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

definitely don't take it! (If you want to be gracious, maybe suggest that she save it on her own as a college fund for the kids...?)

 

[Bliss]

Hey MC! Definitely do not take the money! Yes, I think she's trying to buy her way back into your good graces... or more specifically, into her son's and grandkids' good graces. There is no good that can come of accepting anything from her, except down the road - love and sincere kindness. But at that point, pigs will be flying so you will be too busy taking pictures of this phenomenon to care! HUGS to you for all you've been through with the MIL. I'm so glad you're out on your own now!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

DO NOT TAKE HER MONEY. You will regret it. Few things in life come with no strings attached and according to your other thread she is a toxic and manipulative woman. Why would you even consider this? If she gets upset b/c you turn her down that is her issue. If you accept it she will own you and I promise you, this situation will be worse.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

DO NOT TAKE HER MONEY. You will regret it. Few things in life come with no strings attached and according to your other thread she is a toxic and manipulative woman. Why would you even consider this? If she gets upset b/c you turn her down that is her issue. If you accept it she will own you and I promise you, this situation will be worse.

It's crazy that she's even doing this after blaming me for everything wrong in her life. NUT CASE. I'm just venting here!

That is one reason I got the dining table before she had a chance to become involved. It has no bad energy around it, you know? We can eat dinner in peace.

 

[JillyC]

Okay, my DH got a new job in Sept and we're doing good financially. Able to live off one income and put $ in savings. The deal I posted about a while ago (my summer living situation) has resulted in me not talking to my inlaws and not letting my kids be around them. Well, as it turns out, DH isn't having relations either (I was unsure of this until recently). Suddenly, she is giving us money.

This is irritating the hell out of me. Mostly because if we don't take it we're "ungrateful" and if we do take it, we're eating away her social security, etc. No win situation. She will rip us to shreds either way.

After we moved, she tried to buy us a new dining room set and I refused and bought one on my own...now this.

Sounds like she's trying to buy me back...yes or no? Should I buy diamonds with her SS funds? lol

Generally, do you gals think her actions are indicative of a person who's trying to say sorry in the only way she knows how...by money?

You say she's going rip you you to shreds whether you take the money or not. If so, then I don't think she's trying to say sorry. If she's like my MIL, she's looking for validation from those she will shred you to that she's a really, really great mother-in-law, and it's you who are difficult. If it was me, I'd let her shred me as the ungrateful daughter-in-law who refuses to raid her mother-in-law's retirement.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

MC, it is about control. She is trying to find a way to regain her control. Money typically does that. Politely decline and enjoy your new dining room set!!!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

DO NOT TAKE HER MONEY.

$ will be in check form. She's mailing it to us. So I can shred it or mail it back.

 

[Anastasia]

I would rather be called ungrateful than be accused of taking her money.

Do not take her money under any circumstances.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

[/quote]You say she's going rip you you to shreds whether you take the money or not. If so, then I don't think she's trying to say sorry. If she's like my MIL, she's looking for validation from those she will shred you to that she's a really, really great mother-in-law, and it's you who are difficult. If it was me, I'd let her shred me as the ungrateful daughter-in-law who refuses to raid her mother-in-law's retirement.[/quote]



Yeah, I do agree with the validation to others she shreds me to part. I'm the bad DIL who took the $.

 

[mary poppins]

Your MIL is manipulative. I would not accept the money. A gracious thanks but no thanks in response to her offer or actions of giving money would be appropriate. If MIL insists on giving the money, I agree with prior posters who said you should tell her you will put it in an account for the kids, or tell her to create such an account herself.

 

[swingirl]

You should let your husband return the checks and let HIM say, "Thanks for the offer but we wouldn't feel right accepting it as my new job is working out very well". You should stay out of it and let him deal with his own mother.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Return the money, and don't accept any more. I'd rather be thought "ungrateful" then give someone toxic like that ANY tangible hold over me, especially in the form of money. More grief now, perhaps, but less in the long run I think.

 

[kittybean]

Whatever you do, MC, do not even consider taking that money. For any reason. Even if it's for your children. I guarantee you will come to regret it in spades if you do.

Your husband needs to be the one to tell her no, if you decide to even tell her. Personally, I'd just destroy the check and say nothing about it to her. As others have said, better to be "ungrateful" than indebted. Don't validate her obviously manipulative behavior.

 

[KimberlyH]

Do you really need advice or are you seeking validation?

If it's the former, I wouldn't take money from her or anyone else, no matter our history, unless it meant my family was going to be on the street without it. But not everyone wants something in return for their good deeds, and I find it's pretty obvious who falls into which catergory.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Do you really need advice or are you seeking validation?

If it's the former, I wouldn't take money from her or anyone else, no matter our history, unless it meant my family was going to be on the street without it. But not everyone wants something in return for their good deeds, and I find it's pretty obvious who falls into which catergory.

Well, I knew when posting that you'd all say do not take the money. My intention was motivational. Hearing you all say this is helping me stay firm in my convictions.

 

[geckodani]

Send it back. Do NOT take the money. She's trying to tie strings to you. Ugh, I really want to smack her with the 'ole clue by four.

 

[TooPatient]

definitely don't take it! (If you want to be gracious, maybe suggest that she save it on her own as a college fund for the kids...?)

I like this idea.

Have your husband write (or you type and him sign) a letter to send along with the check when you send it back to her. Politely say that his new job is very good and you are doing fine. You appreciate her kind thought, but don't feel right taking her money. If she would like to put her money into a worthy cause, she could consider opening an account for each of the kids to begin saving for college.


That way you haven't taken her money, you aren't being "ungrateful", and she can't hold it against you --- what's she going to do... tell all of her friends that her ds and dil are financially stable, wouldn't take her money, and suggested that she save money for her grandkids to go to college?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Sounds manipulative to me. I honestly feel that some day in the future she's going to use it against you. Perhaps you could start a college fund for your kids or something with the money so she couldn't very well say you wasted it or whatever. Or savings bonds or something like that for the kids. Hopefully she wouldn't be evil about that, but then again who knows. I don't suppose you can refuse it, so do something positive with it that would be hard for her to refute? Good luck. I'd hate to be in your situation, and do think your IL's have some serious mental health issues.

who cares??...by then MC will be a very rich woman... rule #1 in life...never refuse

 

[steph72276]

Besides birthday gifts, I have never accepted money from my parents or in laws. The only situation in which I would do so is if my children were going to starve or if we had no place to live. I agree it is a control thing. Return the checks with a note that says thanks but they are not needed. If she continues, just shred them.

 

[lyra]

Keep it and start a fund for where you're going to send your MIL when she becomes your problem. Tell her she better send enough or you'll be putting her in a really bad retirement home. I'm totally kidding. I would not take the money, but I would urge DH to be the one to let her know he is sending the cheque back or ripping it up. Even having him address the return envelope and writing a brief note would show that *he* was the one who made the choice, yanno? It would be obvious to her that it was all his handwriting.

 

[packrat]

I will echo the others in not taking the money. Mine bought me a gallon of bleach one time and I never thought I'd hear the end of it, about how helpful she was and how lucky I was that she would help me by going out to get that so I didn't have to take the baby out. And once gave us a sack of food she'd gotten from the food pantry and was mad when I told her to take it back and ohhh I was so completely ungrateful and here she was so thoughtful and helping us out. (and the fight escalated when I explained the whole idea of a food pantry is so when people who can't afford food need it, it's there, not for her to take it and give it away) Your MIL has 3 numbers on the back of her neck. My MIL's are 665. I think you got the short end of the stick.

 

[junebug17]

I wouldn't touch the money with a 10 foot pole MC...that money would have so many strings attached they'd choke you...she's either trying to buy her way back into your good graces, or is trying to exert control over you with it. Who knows, maybe both. I like the idea of your husband sending it back and saying thanks but you guys are doing fine and it's not necessary.

 

[zoebartlett]

I definitely wouldn't accept the money. You know she's going to figure out a way to hold it over your head in the future.

 

[Haven]

I would take the money and then use it to buy her a fabulous gift, something she will truly cherish even though she'll never admit it.

I never had the chance to know my MIL, but I know that she loved Lladros. If I were in your place, I would search for the rarest Lladro that her money would buy, and present it to her in a gorgeously wrapped box. If we're talking bigger bucks, I'd have a piece of jewelry custom made that incorporated a lot of meaningful details, like things that represented each grandchild, or something.

ETA: I would only do this after having DH refuse the money, and only if she insisted on resending it or something. Initially, I would flat out refuse the money, of course.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I would take the money and then use it to buy her a fabulous gift, something she will truly cherish even though she'll never admit it.

I never had the chance to know my MIL, but I know that she loved Lladros. If I were in your place, I would search for the rarest Lladro that her money would buy, and present it to her in a gorgeously wrapped box. If we're talking bigger bucks, I'd have a piece of jewelry custom made that incorporated a lot of meaningful details, like things that represented each grandchild, or something.

ETA: I would only do this after having DH refuse the money, and only if she insisted on resending it or something. Initially, I would flat out refuse the money, of course.

What would be considered "bigger bucks?" FWIW, DH won't refuse the $. He thinks I'm over analyzing/looking too deep into all this. He's along the thinking lines of, "if that's what she wants to do, then that is what she wants to do."

 

[TooPatient]

I would take the money and then use it to buy her a fabulous gift, something she will truly cherish even though she'll never admit it.

I never had the chance to know my MIL, but I know that she loved Lladros. If I were in your place, I would search for the rarest Lladro that her money would buy, and present it to her in a gorgeously wrapped box. If we're talking bigger bucks, I'd have a piece of jewelry custom made that incorporated a lot of meaningful details, like things that represented each grandchild, or something.

ETA: I would only do this after having DH refuse the money, and only if she insisted on resending it or something. Initially, I would flat out refuse the money, of course.

What would be considered "bigger bucks?" FWIW, DH won't refuse the $. He thinks I'm over analyzing/looking too deep into all this. He's along the thinking lines of, "if that's what she wants to do, then that is what she wants to do."

Would it help if everyone here shared their horror stories of people holding a "gift" over their heads???

If you have NO choice but to keep the money, I still like the idea of college funds for your kids. Haven's idea of a really nice gift is nice too. Or you could set it in an account so that when she needs money you can hand it to her (or put it into a nice retirement home for her...)