Do I tell his current FI?

[withlove]

Where to start?
Background: I broke up with my ex a few years back (Him and I were looking for different things and at that time in my life I was not ready to settle down). A ex-college and myself started seeing each other, the original intention was for it 2 stay casual it ended up becoming a relationship with too many emotions involved, we both pulled away a few time and than ended back with each other. Two years in we decided that we needed to end our relationship, ironically this is the moment that I found out that he had a GF (for years before him and I even started. No, I did not know about her but I did ignore some things that make a heck of a lot more sense now).

Present: I am back with my ex (It took me 5 years to end up on the same page as him). I found out after the ex-college and myself broke up and after my ex and I decided to get back together that I am prego. I know for 100% that the father is the ex-college.

My current BF/FI (he is just wonderful… the second him and I started talking he told me that he was been waiting for me and re-purposed to me.. I gave him a in the future yes… the relationship was just 2 new and we needed time to just enjoy dating again) He knows that he is not the father and nothing has changed between him and I.

I don’t talk to the ex-college (he has told me that he wants no parts of my child). Now when I found out he had a GF I told her, she blamed me was just rude about the whole situation. She does not know that I am prego (he told me that he never wants her to find out, this may also be the reason why he will not acknowledge his child).

Problem/Question: I recently found out that he is getting married (January 2008, baby is due end of Dec) and I don’t know if I should say something to her. Do I let her know so that she is able to go into the marriage with all the facts? Or do I wipe my hands of the situation and let her find out when I go for custody and child support (I don’t know if I am going to ask him for child support yet.. but this is a whole other issue) or whenever down the line it comes out. I don’t want to get involved with a relationship that has nothing to do with me but I also feel that she has the right to know.

Kat

P.S Soooo sorry for the length of this post

 

[asscherisme]

Ok, here is how I see it: Its not your place to make that "other woman" phone call to her. HOWEVER, and this is a huge however, I think he has a right to know he is going to have a child out there. And I think its really selfish to purposely deny a child knowing their father or a man even knowing he is a father. The only exception to this would be if you feel he is abusive and you fear he would harm you or the child. If there is no abuse, than I think its just wrong, wrong, wrong to not tell him he is going to be a father and let that child know who its father is.

So, be telling him he is going to be a father, the first issue is up to him to tell his fiance. I would think it would be pretty hard for him to have a kid and not tell her, but thats reallly his busisness. And as for child support, thats your decision too, but he is obligated to pay it whether he wants to or not if its his child. I think its up to you if you want to go after it, but if you do go after it, he is required to pay it.

Good luck to you in a really tough situation.

 

[AGBF]

In my opinion (which is all this is) you have no responsibility for what goes on between a man with whom you had a relationship and his present girlfriend, fiancée, or wife. Your sole responsibility was to disclose the facts to the person with whom you had the relationship, not eveyone else in his life!

I think it would be healthier for you to be concentrating on what you want for your baby''s future. You did not give us very much information with which to make decisions. You didn''t tell us if you are still in school or working; if you have a stable job; if you and your boyfriend want to get married soon. We know nothing. If you are keeping your baby, are you going to be a single parent? If so, will you need child support or are you wealthy enough to be able to raise a child without it (remembering college and its costs!).

If you plan to marry your current boyfriend, perhaps he will want to adopt your baby in which case you will not want to ask for child support because you must sever all ties with the biological father. (I am assuming that severing these ties will not be a problem given what you have written, but if your ex changes his mind he does have legal rights.)

I recommend some counseling because you sound a bit scattered. Having a baby is a big deal and overwhelming even to a stable and established couple. I think you need some help focussing on what you and the baby really need. I wish you luck. Come back and talk some more.

Deborah

 

[AGBF]

Date: 9/18/2007 8:44:19 AM
Author: asscherisme
HOWEVER, and this is a huge however, I think he has a right to know he is going to have a child out there.

asscherisme, I may have read the posting incorrectly, but I believe her ex-boyfriend already knows.

Deb

 

[KimberlyH]

It''s unfortunate that he has decided he wants nothing to do with the child, but it''s not up to you to tell his current SO anything. You said you don''t communicate with him, so you can''t even be sure she doesn''t know. He must have some awareness that you can seek child support and in doing so it would be difficult to hide this from her.

I agree with AGBF that you sound quite scattered, understandably so as this situation is a bit confusing; I second her suggestion for counseling to sort all this out in your own head and figure out what exactly it is that you want (him to terminate his parental rights, child support, custody, your current SO to adopt the child).

Good luck to you.

 

[asscherisme]

Oh, you are right, I read that before I had my morning coffee. If he does know about it and walked away thats a whole different story. Unfortunately the edit button does not work anymore.

So, back to the original question, I don't think its up to you to tell her.

I agree with the counseling suggestion. You do sound unsure and I agree with scattered. But I think in your situation its normal to be overwhelmed. Heck, I was totally scattered and overwhelmed when I was pregnant and I was in a stable marriage. So its nothing to be embarrased about and normal to be confused.

Huge hugs to you in this difficult situation.

 

[Skippy123]

Withlove,
Congrats on the baby and the super awesome man who adores you!!!! I agree w/others on counseling. I guess you would want to tell her because you are hurt but I would not tell her (bad drama and you guys don't need that). You are right if you go out for child support she may or may not find out (but do think about that you have better things going on). I would focus on your relationship now; that is the important one! I am so happy you are w/a great guy and congrats again on the little bun in the oven.

 

[somethingshiny]

IMO, I think that if you intend on getting child support, you should have a lawyer file documents to this man. That way, if HE decides to tell the GF, it''s his deal and you don''t have to feel guilty. But, because you may be sharing the rest of your life with these people, she will have no ill will towards you because you laid everything out legally.

And, CONGRATS on the baby! Good Luck with your family!

 

[luckystar112]

Okay I am confused.

I think she ALREADY TOLD HER when she first found out, and the girl told her off or something.
And now her ex is marrying her, and she is wondering if she say something to her????

Or is this a different girl that the ex is marrying????

 

[AGBF]

Date: 9/18/2007 7:07:43 PM
Author: luckystar112
Okay I am confused.
I think she ALREADY TOLD HER when she first found out, and the girl told her off or something.

Here is what she wrote:

"I don’t talk to the ex-college (he has told me that he wants no parts of my child). Now when I found out he had a GF I told her, she blamed me was just rude about the whole situation. She does not know that I am prego (he told me that he never wants her to find out, this may also be the reason why he will not acknowledge his child)."

I took that to mean that this man with whom she became involved and who got her pregnant had had another girlfriend all along. When withlove found out the man she was seeing had a girlfriend she "told her" about her own -that is, withlove's, existence. The girlfriend, however, was, "just rude" and blamed withlove, not her boyfriend. Therefore withlove has doubts about telling her about the pregnancy. With good reason, I think!

Deborah

 

[FireGoddess]

I agree with the opinion that it''s not the poster''s place to tell this woman her fiance has fathered a baby with someone else...but, I''m just putting this out there.....wouldn''t you guys want to know about this before you got married to the guy? Honestly, he needs to tell her. But shoot - this guy does not seem like a stand-up guy in the first place, as he was two-timing his girlfriend by being involved with the poster of this thread at the same time. I''d sure as heck want someone to tell me the full story!!!

 

[AGBF]

Well...it looks as if withlove started an interesting discussion and then withdrew from Pricescope. We are talking to each other, not to her. That's OK with me, however. I like talking to the Pricescope women. Except FireGoddess, of course. I was once an Italian citizen. FireGoddess does not sufficiently appreciate the glories of Italy. Do you all like "The Godfather"? I found this link which really helped me understand, "C'e la luna".

C'e la luna

Deb

 

[FireGoddess]

Nonna always said I was storta....... I only later realized, after her passing, all those other words she threw around all the time were....vulgar. Interesting that those are the only ones I really remember.

Now THAT'S Italian. heehee (And BOY did I get in trouble when I'd whip one of those out of nowhere...thinking it meant something completely benign.....)

 

[AGBF]

Date: 9/19/2007 5:01:02 PM
Author: FireGoddess
Nonna always said I was storta....... I only later realized, after her passing, all those other words she threw around all the time were....vulgar. Interesting that those are the only ones I really remember.

Now THAT''S Italian. heehee (And BOY did I get in trouble when I''d whip one of those out of nowhere...thinking it meant something completely benign.....)

Speaking of vulgar...I don''t think the English translation of the song was exactly the same as the Italian (or dialect) version .

Deb

 

[withlove]

Thank you everyone for your comments… I am sorry that I have been MIA.. I have been running around with no time for anything for the past few weeks.

I am just going to work backwards with the posts and respond to everything in one shot.. lets hope this works out.

FireGoddess – “...but, I''m just putting this out there.....wouldn''t you guys want to know about this before you got married to the guy?”

This was why I made the original post… I know that it is not my relationship.. and heck at the end of the day it makes no difference to me.. but I know I would want someone to tell me so that I could go into the situation with my eyes wide open and knowledgeable of what I was getting myself into.

Deborah (AGBF) – Gets points for understanding my 4 am ramble. I told her that he was seeing me while seeing her but she does not know that I am pregnant. I was questioning if I should be considerate enough to tell her that I am pregnant so that she is not blind sighted. She did not tell me off but had the attitude of who are you and thank you for telling me 2 years later (I did not know they were together and she blamed me for the relationship and not telling her sooner)

luckystar112 – He is marring the same girl… she knows he cheated.. nothing more

somethingshiny - Everything is being/going to be done using lawyers. Either way she will have ill feelings towards me (From what I know she is not very mature.. except she should be as she is in her 30’s) ** sigh** some women Thanks for the congrats

Skippy123 – Thanks on the congrats. I don’t want to tell her because I am hurt, I was questioning if I should tell her because I know if the tables were turned I would want to know. Also I may end up with having to deal with her in the future so the less she wants to kill me the better on my end and my childs.

To me aksing for child support is not a question of having better things going on in my life… it is about a man/woman taking responsibility for their actions. Why should my child have $5 less in his life if he does not have 2? Yes I know there are two sides and I flip them both when I have this conversation as there are two sides to everything.

Asscherisme – Thanks for the hugs ( I don’t know if it will make it around my expanding ass LOL).. I feel no ways about being scattered and overwhelmed I have 20 things always going on and to try to explain this confusing situation is difficult especially at 4 am.

Deborah (AGBF) – Please don’t assume that I am not concentrating on my child’s future… if she is a part of his life and she marries him she will become a part of my child life. If I am in school, working, the amount of money I make etc is not relevant to this post nor is it relevant in my decision to ask for child support. Either way it is his responsibility I just have not decided if it is worth my trouble. Am I keeping this child? Yes otherwise I would not question if I should tell her… I don’t care to meddle in peoples lives for no reason. Also if I wanted to question if I wanted this child it would be a little late as I am over 6 mths pregnant (Due date end of Dec)

In General
Please excuse the following rant as it is not directed to all comments. To assume that I need counseling because condensing the past 2+ years comes across scattered is slightly judgmental. If you review the post I am scattered about the past which many things still baffle me. I am not scattered about my future. Do I know what path I want to take in regards to the father and my child and support.. No. However no matter who I discuss this with it will not change the fact that I have a major decision to make and no one can help me decided what is in the best interest of my child. Talking to someone would be a conversation about personal opinions however, I have no problem looking at both sides and because both sides have positives and negatives it make my decision hard and something that can not be decided overnight.

Have I opted to know what my rights are and look for legal counsel? Yes, as this has helped me understand my options and rights. Have I opted to talk to someone about the fact that I have a lot of things on the go and decisions to make? No, what will that solve? This will just take more out of my day and take away time from things that I need to get done. If I was confused about if I wanted to keep this child than I could see the need to talk to someone. But to waste time and money talking to someone about should I let this worthless man not pay child support? I don’t see the point.

I posted the above to get personal opinions about if I should tell someone of the mess they are getting into. From the reponses I see that most people would not want to be told. I did not post to be passed judgment on. Please keep in mind that this comment is not directed to everyone that replied. I welcome people opinions and thoughts and feel everyone has the right to speak their mind and in return I do the same. My urke is more directed at people who decided to pass judgment and people who decided that every aspect of my life was something that they had the right to know and it was something I should have openly offered in a public forum when that information was not needed for the question at hand.

Kat

 

[luckystar112]

Hi Kat!

First let me say, it makes SO MUCH SENSE that your first post was posted at 4am. hehe. Not trying to pick on you, but I could barely follow you last time!!!

Have you decided if you are going to tell her or not? I think she is already asking for it by marrying a confirmed cheater in the first place...unless he somehow convinced her that you were lying. Would I want to know if I was about to marry a man that was fathering another child? Absolutely. But at the same time, I don''t think you owe her any favors. It''s kind of up to her to know exactly who she is marrying, and if she wants to go into a marriage with blinders on then that''s her own perogative. If I was her I''d be PISSED though, because I think child support will be based on their combined income. Not sure though...so don''t quote me on that. I just remember someone telling me that when I was dating some loser who had gotten another girl pregnant right before he met me.

You said your baby is due in December and he is getting married in January? Well, I think that is plenty of time for the truth to reveal itself. Do you think he''ll be in the hospital with you or want to see the baby at all inbetween the time you have it and the day he gets married? She could find out that way, although he seems extremely manipulative. Also, if you are going to sue for child support she will find out that way. No idea how long it takes to get that all in order, but if he recieves any paperwork within that month and they live together she''ll undoubtedly see it.

 

[luckystar112]

Okay I just re-read your post again and realized that 1) Father doesn't want to have anything to do with the baby. and 2) You don't know if you're going to ask for child support.

Tough choice. Because I believe a man should have the option to NOT be a father if he doesn't want to, just as a woman has the choice. At the same time, the only person who suffers from not getting the child support money is the child.
I think that's why AGBF asked questions about whether you were self-sufficient or not.
I think that if you are 100% able to care for the child and you have a bf/fiance who is willing to step up to the plate, then you are in a great position!

However, the scary thing is that since your ex is the biological father, he could change his mind and seek custody at any time. I would definitely talk to a lawyer about getting him to sign his rights away. And if he wants nothing to do with the baby, then that is something he will have to live with. The baby will have you and your future FI, who will raise him/her into a loving home.

I still don't think you should tell the girlfriend...but MAN....what a real jerk she's about to marry, huh?! Geez. I almost pity her. Almost. You can't fully pity someone who chooses to ignore reality.

 

[oshinbreez]

Personally, I'd tell the girl. I believe that she has a right to know. The ex has proven what kind of snake he is by not wanting anything to do with the child. I know if I was in the current gf's shoes, I'd want to know if there was someone out there pregnant with his child.

Come to think of it, when I was married, my husband "supposedly" got another girl pregnant when I was pregnant with my son. He told me when he saw her at the drs when we happened to be there. The girl said it was his, he said it wasn't. I don't remember what happened to her. My ex-husband was scum, so it really didn't surprise me too much.

The current has a right to know what kind of man she's thinking of marrying. Hopefully she'll have enough sense and break if off.

 

[robbie3982]

Hmmm...I think it''s a really tough situation. If I were the gf, I''d want to know, but I think that it coming from you could make things worse for you and your baby. You said that she blew up at you when you told her that he''d cheated on her with you, so just imagine how she''ll act if you tell her about the baby. I''d be worried that she''d take out her anger at you on your child if she does indeed become the baby''s stepmom.

Then again she could get mad at take her anger out on the kid for you not telling her too.

I kinda think it''s a lose lose situation as far as telling her or not. I''m sorry, I''m not of more help.

 

[AGBF]

Hi, Kat-

You gave us a lot of very personal information in your initial post, far more than any of us would ever have asked for, since asking for such intimate details would have been straining the bounds of civility! You also asked us for our opinions on some matters though. And I think you misunderstood my motives for putting the questions to you that I did.

I felt that although you had given me tons of very personal information, that you had not given me some basic information I needed in order to give my opinion back to you! So I asked the questions I did. My motive was not to ask nosey questions...you had already shared unbelievably personal information...but to seek clarity on points that I considered important.

For instance: I suggested counseling because I thought that when your baby was born it would be good if you had decided whether your current boyfriend was going to be the baby's father or not. If he is to be, you will want to give him a larger role in the baby's life and probably not pursue child support from the biological father. In fact you should probably try to terminate his parental rights and have your current boyfriend adopt the baby immediately.

This is not my business, and I do not need to know what you plan to do, but what you plan to do certainly has some impact on how I would advise you to handle the biological father and his fiancée! In other words, I cannot answer your questions without asking for more information on which to base my decision!

Deborah

 

[somethingshiny]

Thankyou for taking the time to give more info.

I WOULD want to be told if I were the marrying the father. I would want to know if I were going to have a step-child that I may or may not become responsible for at some time during the marriage. I would also want to be aware of any financial situations.

However, I DON'T think YOU should tell her. You should not put yourself under that strain right now. You are reeling and hurting enough as it is. You have enough to contend with without trying to smooth out this guy's life.

Like I said before, I would lay it all out for the guy and his attorney, and leave it at that. You cannot be to blame if he chooses not to tell her, which he probably won't.

Are you having the baby before they get married? If so, I would definitely send an email or leave a message to tell him his child's been born. Maybe she'll get it too.

I don't agree that a man has the right to choose if he wants to be a father. If he chooses to have sex, he's choosing to take the risk. He's taking the risk of STDs, a baby is a lot better to be left with. (Please don't take offense to this. Just my opinion.)

I do hope you have a supportive family or friends to be with you. You need it now, but you're definitely going to need it when you have that little bundle of joy in your arms. Please don't let the situation mar the happiness of knowing that you're bringing a life into the world. You're going to be a MOM! Try to enjoy your pregnancy and relish the life that is growing inside you!

Good Luck!

edit-I see that the baby is due prior to the wedding. I would invite both of them to see the child in the hospital. And, I might send announcements to him, with the note "Thought you may want to have this as a remembrance of your child being born."

 

[Apsara]

Sue him for child support. The she''ll know, sooner or later.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 9/28/2007 10:18:48 PM
Author: somethingshiny

I don't agree that a man has the right to choose if he wants to be a father. If he chooses to have sex, he's choosing to take the risk. He's taking the risk of STDs, a baby is a lot better to be left with. (Please don't take offense to this. Just my opinion.)

I'm SOOOO tempted to argue with you, but that topic is just too controversial and something I feel too strongly about. I'm going to pass....

. But I wasn't offended....if that was even directed toward me.

 

[lyra]

Sorry you are going through this. My husband's sister went through something very similar actually. She decided not to ask for child support because where they lived, that automatically meant the father would have custody rights, and as he was emotionally unstable, she didn't want that. But a few years went by, and they eventually had an informal arrangement. BTW, he didn't want anything to do with the baby to start with either. And his g/f got pregnant within 6 months of his daughter being born to my SIL. Eventually, he got tired of having any responsibility at all with his daughter. She was old enough by this time to feel the abandonment however. So she went into her teen years with extremely low self esteem having had her biological father outright reject her and tell her he never wanted her in the first place. (Told you he was unstable.) So the poor girl is now 18 and has had a ton of emotional problems heaped on her for the sake of maybe $2-300/month support payments for a few years. She could not count on this man to have any sort of meaningful relationship with her or accept her at all. Just a cautionary tale. It would have been far better for her never to have known him, but maybe your case is different.

I personally don't think it's worth asking for support if that opens the door to custody issues. If your current b/f is accepting of this baby, it would be a far better influence for him to act as the father figure IMO. As for telling the g/f, no, I don't think that's your responsibility. JMO. Do whatever you feel is right for you, obviously. I hope you have a support network close by. Good luck.

 

[door knob solitaire]

She should know. I don't care who tells her or how...the only repercussion I see is if you rock the boat...and mess up his little love nest...this crumb of a weasel just may cause you some trouble. I can't imagine he would put one ounce of effort or expense into it...

The other thing I see...is the bottom line. It is unfortunate that this innocent little baby will grow up to learn someday...that his sperm donor didn't care about him. But it is your job to do and get anything this little tot is entitled to. A married guy can distribute assets more cleverly...than a single one. I would wish you could get your ducks in a row before another is included in the equation.

With that thought...telling her may put the Kabosh on the nuptials. It would for me. I would want my husbands child ~first child to be ours...and not theirs. Also...three years down the road new wifey and he learn they can't have kids...guess whose door they are going to be a knocking on...all of a sudden interested in some sort of custody arrangement. Then you also have grandparents rights...you have a mess. And planning everything to work your way is nice...but rationally...it may not end that way.

This is bigger than 8th grade social dance...when you promised not to tell Suzy. You have to think everything out now and understand and weigh the consequences. I am sure I would tell her...your tot could grow up to sue his estate which should be hers...eh eh he...what a mess.

In a month or so ...you won't have to say too much...just show her.

DKS

Lyra made some great points I didn't know...and her post hit after I was writing my novel...

 

[sunkist]

The father said he didn't want anything to do with the baby and the current FI is happy about the baby and the still pending marriage? See if the father will give up his parenting rights and if the FI will adopt the child. It seems like that might make everyone happy.

As far as the Ex's GF, I think she already knows he cheated, right? So she knows what kind of a man she's fooling around with. If she's just a girlfriend, it's really none of her business whether this man has a child or not. He can tell her if he wants to. If they get serious, get married, and he's paying child support, then yes she should know then.

But I do think it would be great if your now current FI could get to adopt your baby. Then you'd have a whole happy family to raise the child.

 

[sunkist]

Date: 9/28/2007 1:54:25 AM
Author: withlove
Am I keeping this child? Yes otherwise I would not question if I should tell her… I don’t care to meddle in peoples lives for no reason. Also if I wanted to question if I wanted this child it would be a little late as I am over 6 mths pregnant (Due date end of Dec)
Kat

Kat, I know you said you want to raise this child, but I just wanted to point out that keeping a child doesn''t only depend on whether a doctor can legally abort this child''s life. Adoption is a responsible and honorable option for a woman to give to a child that she created when she is not in the position to provide a stable life for the baby.

Again, I know you''ve decided to raise this baby, but adoption seems to be forgotten and looked over many times accidental out of wed-lock pregnancies take place.

 

[KimberlyH]

Kat,

You came here seeking counsel regarding the situation you''re in, we gave you the best advice we could based on your 6 paragraph post. Seeking out the advice of strangers on a message board at 4am suggests you are in turmoil over something serious. Some of us needed more information, and asked for it, others saw your post as a bit scattered and confusing, which lent to the idea that counseling, real counseling not armchair phschology from a group of strangers on the internet, seems to be in order. Your defensiveness and suggestion that we were "judgemental" further confirms my belief that you are uncomfortable with the situation you are in and that counseling may help you work through it (and I am in no way a counselilng advocate, I just see your situation as a bit complicated and that talking to an unbiased party about it might help you work through what is best for your child). The defensiveness is unnecessary, you asked for advice and recieved it and a bit more, you can''t pick and choose what parts of the information you provided that people should respond to, it''s a public forum. If you were talking to a counselor you would have the right to say "I''m paying you to figure out X and Y, I don''t want to talk about anything else."

Again, I say don''t tell the woman, and best of luck to you and your unborn child.

 

[somethingshiny]

Luckystar~ yes it was for you. I really didn''t want to get into that heated debate. Thanks for skipping it!

 

[VRBeauty]

No, you should not tell the GF. You should figure out exactly how where you stand and how you want to proceed vis a vis your ex BF. Given his track record, the odds are against their making it to the altar anyway, for reasons that have nothing to do with you or your baby.