divorce

[CrazyMaybe]

I am a semi-regular poster so I wanted to post under a alias.

I have pretty much decided I need to get divorced. I love my husband, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that he has major issues and is unwilling to work towards changing any of them. I do not fear for my saftey imminently, but I know some time in the future I could be in an unsafe situation. My husband has always had a bit of an anger issue, but once we got married it was like he didn't care how he acted, what he said, or what he did. I guess he thinks that now that we are married he can do whatever he wants and I will never leave. For example, he will grab my arm, shove me, yell at me as loud as he can an inch from my face, gets in fights with me in public (which is embarassing and he does it in front of friends and strangers). For some reason, he keeps doing these out of control things even though he admits they are wrong. He always promises he won't do it again. Although, at this point i tell him not to waste his breath because i know nothing is going to change. Sometimes he will be really sweet and try and make up for being so crazy and other times he will tell me to just leave if I don't like him because he is never going to change. (yes i know the act is a cycle, he isn't really fooling me).He has gone to counseling several times but it hasn't really worked. I know I am not perfect and possibly our personalities clash. I know I have changed susbtantially since we first met and I have some of my own issues, but I don't do anything on purpose to hurt him.

I know I should leave him, but I am really having a hard time actually bringing myself to do it. I am not really tied to him except a bit financially (i.e. no kids or anything). I am just a bit disillusioned by the whole thing. I sometimes wonder whether anyone's marriage is actually happy or everyone puts up a front. I know I am too tired to continue putting up a front, but I don't know where to get the energy to take it down. I am overwhelmed by how terrible the downfall will be and how to deal with friends, family and nosey people. I also don't know what to do about living arrangements, etc and how to make it work without it effecting my job too much. HELP!

 

[lliang_chi]

Crazy,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you're reaching a breaking point. Big hugs to you! Right now you need to focus on yourself. You've made a decision now you just need the extra oomph to get your there. Do you have any close friends you can go to to get some support? If not, maybe a counselor/therapist that can help you?

Don't sweat the nosy people etc. Focus on you and what you need. Everyone else will either respect your decision or they can go screw themselves.

Good luck, and big hugs.

 

[Porridge]

I'm so sorry to hear this Crazy. No, every marriage is not like this. Yes it can be hard and it takes work sometimes, but marriage is supposed to improve your life, make you happier overall...otherwise what's the point?!

I broke an engagement to a man that sounds similar to yours, althought things weren't quite as bad... weren't quite as bad yet I suppose, although I didn't stay around to find out!

Anyway, I know it's different because I wasn't married, but I want to reassure you that, at least in my experience, the fallout wasn't even close to as bad as what I had envisioned. People had seen what he could be like. They all said they were impressed with my having the courage to leave. I heard so many stories from people who had friends/daughters/sisters etc in awful marriages where they hadn't wanted to go through with it, but did to save face, or stayed because they felt they should etc.

Nobody who cares about you wants you to be in a situation where you're not happy. Especially one where you think you will potentially be unsafe! There are issues that arise in relationships that couples need to work on but this is not one of those situations. These issues are his for him to work on, and until he does I do not think he should be in a relationship. And you need to get yourself into counselling to figure out what would attract you to and cause you to stay in a relationship like this. Until you figure that out, you should not be in a relationship.

Big {hugs}. Everything will be ok.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I'm so sorry you're in such a tough position. From everything you've said, it sounds like you are making the right decision. That behavior is completely unacceptable, and no, not every marriage is like that. There are many people who are generally happy with each other and whose conflicts are of the "I'm grumpy because you did X annoying thing again," not of the yelling or insulting or grabbing or shoving kind. NOBODY deserves to be treated like that. *You* don't deserve to be treated like that.

Do you have family nearby, or a close friend you could stay with? Once you've decided to leave, the next steps are to get yourself a lawyer and into counseling, and to find a place to stay. Or could you just go rent a cheap apartment? You might be able to find a woman renting out a room on CL. I think whatever sounds easiest and least stressful to you is the way to go. I definitely think you need to be in your own place to begin to process everything and decide how to proceed. Your husband sounds like he could be dangerous (or at least really unpleasant) if you tell him you want a divorce but expect the two of you to continue living together for the time being. I really don't recommend that course of action. I'd get the place lined up first, move out, and then make sure you're taking care of you with a good therapist and lawyer.

Hugs, hugs, hugs. Good for you for deciding not to put up with less than you deserve.

 

[Tuckins1]

Wow, i'm sorry that you are going through this! No, every marriage is not miserable. Nobody should feel like their partner doesn't respect them or support them. And they especially shouldn't have a partner that berates them or treats them as a second class citizen! It sounds like you know what you want, but are afraid to do it. Can't say I blame you, it's a huge step and it won't be pretty. But, will the rest of your life be pretty if you stay with this person who just constantly beats you down? I hope you gain the strength to follow through with whatever decision you make. (((HUGS)))

 

[Sha]

I'm really sorry you're going through this.. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote as I was married to an abusive man when I was 23, straight out of University. Most of his abusive behaviour came out after we were married. He was verbally/emotionally abusive towards me and had just started being physically abusive (shoving me/restraining me) a few months before we separated. At the time, even though I knew that he had serious anger issues and needed help, I was too embarassed to let anyone know, and I told myself that we could work it out together. I also didn't want to give up on the commitment we made to each other so soon in the marriage (1 year and a half). Even though I was the victim in the situation, it wasn't me who opted for separation - it was him. If he hadn't, it probably would've taken me ages to be mentally ready to leave... Sad to say, but true. Anyway, suffice to say now that it was absolutely the best thing to have happened all around. When I had time to look back on things, I realize that he would've become more abusive as time went on. I'm so thankful that we separated when we did - with no children or major assets involved.

Yes, it was difficult at first to separate and have to deal with all the pity and the questions - but honestly, a few months after I was feeling pretty good. I knew that it was the best decision for me and that there was better ahead. I'm now married to a wonderful man and am very happy.

It sound like you're at a better place than I was, mentally, in knowing that you need to leave. It's clear that things are not going to get better (they haven't with all the counselling and your pleas for him to change). He's hinted himself at times that he's 'never going to change'. I guess the question is, do you want to endure this type of treatment for the rest of your life? I know that disrupting your lives right now wouldn't be easy, either - but as stressful as those months might be - it still would be temporary. It sure would be a lot easier than having to suffer his abusive behaviur for the rest of your life, wouldn't it?

Talking to a trusted friend or counsellor about this would probably help a lot too, especially in sorting out some of the decisions you may have to make.

 

[TravelingGal]

No, you're not crazy. And no, not every marriage is happy. Timely that you are posting because I was just mentioning to someone the other day that I think we'll see more anonymous posts like this as many of the posters who got married in the early years of PS realize they are in marriages that aren't working out. I mean, the statistic is 50%, after all. Makes sense that we should be seeing more divorce around here, although it's certainly something that no one wants to see.

People who are in good marriages aren't necessarily HAPPY all the time. They just work at it, modify and tweak along the way. And communicate. But sometimes when you KNOW it isn't right, then I don't see anything terrible about ending it. Family and friends will get over it...after all, we no longer live in the times of the scarlet letter or anything out. It would be SO much better to get out earlier...while you're still young and can rejuvenate your spirit.

I don't have any advice on how to get a divorce, or how you can do it in your situation with your job. I'd just say take it day by day...everything in life takes a bit of work, and that includes divorce and getting your life back on track.

Good luck.

 

[TravelingGal]

btw, you say he is "unwilling" to change his issues, yet you also say he's gone to counseling several times. Sounds like he's not changing FAST ENOUGH for you, not necessarily that he's unwilling.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I would hate for you to read TGal's musings and take that mean that you have some kind of obligation to wait patiently for your husband to stop abusing you. You obviously are worried about being the bad guy here, and I can tell you unequivocably, 100% that *he* is the bad guy for shoving you, yelling at you in public, grabbing you, etc. That *is* abuse. If he were going to change, chances are he would have already. If you get divorced and he changes later and becomes a better person, good for him, but it is never, ever, EVER on you to help him stop abusing you or wait for him to stop abusing you.

 

[somethingshiny]

I have lots of thoughts spinning round in this head on my shoulders, but due to the high amounts of painkillers I've been taking, I don't think they are going to make much sense right now. So I'll just give Hugs to you as you figure this out.

 

[swingirl]

I do not fear for my saftey imminently, but I know some time in the future I could be in an unsafe situation. My husband has always had a bit of an anger issue, but once we got married it was like he didn't care how he acted, what he said, or what he did. I guess he thinks that now that we are married he can do whatever he wants and I will never leave. For example, he will grab my arm, shove me, yell at me as loud as he can an inch from my face, gets in fights with me in public (which is embarassing and he does it in front of friends and strangers).

In my opinion, this NEVER should happen in any marriage. It's a mistake to think that even in "good" marriages this behavior sometimes happens, and that people that appear happy are just putting on a good face. Yours is a situation that could escalate because he has already crossed the boundary of your personal space. Grabbing and touching in anger is not acceptable. The only type of counseling that will help is anger management and abuse counseling. It's not a matter of you wanting him to change faster than he can. This is intolerable behavior and you are not safe. It's known that the most dangerous time for a woman is while she is leaving her abusive husband. Therefore, there are steps to take to prepare yourself for the situation, like keeping cash money, finding out where you can stay, finding support services, speaking with a lawyer, to name a few.

In my book there are no second chances for abusers (unless serious counseling is successful) but considering all that stay in abusive situations some people have a higher tolerance than I do.

I am sad for your situation but your split is much less complicated without children. Don't worry about friends and family. They would want you to be happy and safe.

 

[junebug17]

Don't let public opinion keep you from doing what you need to do, which is get away from your husband before he seriously hurts you. Your post distresses me on many levels, and one of them is that your perception seems a bit skewed and you are almost downplaying how your husband treats you, and you hint that you may sometimes be partly responsible for this treatment. This is NOT a personality clash. This is not occurring because you've "changed drastically". You are NOT causing your husband to treat you like this. This is not your fault. I don't care if you've turned into the biggest b*tch on the planet, you do NOT deserve to be shoved, pulled at, screamed at, or goaded into fights. Your husband is physically and verbally abusing you, and it's wrong and unacceptable.

Please start taking steps to improve your life. Don't worry about what other people will say. It's not their life. And honestly, I really don't think divorce is very shocking to anyone these days. I think you're imagining people's responses to be worse than they'll actually be. In fact, they'll probably be supportive of you. Contact a lawyer, start going to counseling, and start looking for someplace else to live, even if it's a rented room or staying with friends for awhile. Be your own advocate, watch out for yourself, take care of yourself. You have your whole life ahead to you, start living it.

Oh, and btw, those shoves and grabs are considered battery, you could have charges brought against him. He'd be well advised to keep his hands to himself from now on.

 

[TravelingGal]

I would hate for you to read TGal's musings and take that mean that you have some kind of obligation to wait patiently for your husband to stop abusing you. You obviously are worried about being the bad guy here, and I can tell you unequivocably, 100% that *he* is the bad guy for shoving you, yelling at you in public, grabbing you, etc. That *is* abuse. If he were going to change, chances are he would have already. If you get divorced and he changes later and becomes a better person, good for him, but it is never, ever, EVER on you to help him stop abusing you or wait for him to stop abusing you.

Yes, sorry...they were musings! I agree that his behavior is not acceptable and was just thinking about both sides of the story because it seems there are issues on both. But what I meant with my first posting was that I don't think this is working, and you shouldn't let public opinion sway you from leaving a marriage that isn't healthy.

Thanks for pointing that out phoenixgirl, because it wasn't what I intended!

 

[Skippy123]

I do not fear for my saftey imminently, but I know some time in the future I could be in an unsafe situation. My husband has always had a bit of an anger issue, but once we got married it was like he didn't care how he acted, what he said, or what he did. I guess he thinks that now that we are married he can do whatever he wants and I will never leave. For example, he will grab my arm, shove me, yell at me as loud as he can an inch from my face, gets in fights with me in public (which is embarassing and he does it in front of friends and strangers).

In my opinion, this NEVER should happen in any marriage. It's a mistake to think that even in "good" marriages this behavior sometimes happens, and that people that appear happy are just putting on a good face. Yours is a situation that could escalate because he has already crossed the boundary of your personal space. Grabbing and touching in anger is not acceptable. The only type of counseling that will help is anger management and abuse counseling. It's not a matter of you wanting him to change faster than he can. This is intolerable behavior and you are not safe. It's known that the most dangerous time for a woman is while she is leaving her abusive husband. Therefore, there are steps to take to prepare yourself for the situation, like keeping cash money, finding out where you can stay, finding support services, speaking with a lawyer, to name a few.

In my book there are no second chances for abusers (unless serious counseling is successful) but considering all that stay in abusive situations some people have a higher tolerance than I do.

I am sad for your situation but your split is much less complicated without children. Don't worry about friends and family. They would want you to be happy and safe.

I agree w/Swingirls post. My husband has never pushed/pulled, grabbed or shoved me; that should never happen ever. It sounds like it could turn into an abusive situation and since you say you are already feeling the future may bring you an unsafe situation then I would leave. Yes, no marriages are perfect; I argue with my husband from time to time but we work things out but he never grabs or shoves me nor do I with him. Huge hugs and the others are right, your family and friends would want you to be safe; I want you safe.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am a semi-regular poster so I wanted to post under a alias.

I have pretty much decided I need to get divorced. I love my husband, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that he has major issues and is unwilling to work towards changing any of them. I do not fear for my saftey imminently, but I know some time in the future I could be in an unsafe situation. My husband has always had a bit of an anger issue, but once we got married it was like he didn't care how he acted, what he said, or what he did. I guess he thinks that now that we are married he can do whatever he wants and I will never leave. For example, he will grab my arm, shove me, yell at me as loud as he can an inch from my face, gets in fights with me in public (which is embarassing and he does it in front of friends and strangers). For some reason, he keeps doing these out of control things even though he admits they are wrong. He always promises he won't do it again. Although, at this point i tell him not to waste his breath because i know nothing is going to change. Sometimes he will be really sweet and try and make up for being so crazy and other times he will tell me to just leave if I don't like him because he is never going to change. (yes i know the act is a cycle, he isn't really fooling me).He has gone to counseling several times but it hasn't really worked. I know I am not perfect and possibly our personalities clash. I know I have changed susbtantially since we first met and I have some of my own issues, but I don't do anything on purpose to hurt him.

I know I should leave him, but I am really having a hard time actually bringing myself to do it. I am not really tied to him except a bit financially (i.e. no kids or anything). I am just a bit disillusioned by the whole thing. I sometimes wonder whether anyone's marriage is actually happy or everyone puts up a front. I know I am too tired to continue putting up a front, but I don't know where to get the energy to take it down. I am overwhelmed by how terrible the downfall will be and how to deal with friends, family and nosey people. I also don't know what to do about living arrangements, etc and how to make it work without it effecting my job too much. HELP!

The bolded means you run, don't walk, out the door and move on. It is unacceptable once and certainly unacceptable repeatedly.

I think that most people do not show the darker underbellies of their relationships to others, your intuition about that is correct. BUT I can tell you my husband has never done those things you describe, has never called me a name, and has never made me feel unloved, unappreciated, or scared for my safety. I know of many other women who can say the same about their spouses. So yes, couples fight, are disrespectful, maybe even have relatively high levels of conflict sometimes, and that is common. But that does not mean it is ok for your spouse to intimidate you and lay hands on you. And though there are many people who stay in unhappy marriages for years and years, making it normal in that sense, you don't have to be one of them.

 

[TooPatient]

I do not fear for my saftey imminently, but I know some time in the future I could be in an unsafe situation. My husband has always had a bit of an anger issue, but once we got married it was like he didn't care how he acted, what he said, or what he did. I guess he thinks that now that we are married he can do whatever he wants and I will never leave. For example, he will grab my arm, shove me, yell at me as loud as he can an inch from my face, gets in fights with me in public (which is embarassing and he does it in front of friends and strangers).

In my opinion, this NEVER should happen in any marriage. It's a mistake to think that even in "good" marriages this behavior sometimes happens, and that people that appear happy are just putting on a good face. Yours is a situation that could escalate because he has already crossed the boundary of your personal space. Grabbing and touching in anger is not acceptable. The only type of counseling that will help is anger management and abuse counseling. It's not a matter of you wanting him to change faster than he can. This is intolerable behavior and you are not safe. It's known that the most dangerous time for a woman is while she is leaving her abusive husband. Therefore, there are steps to take to prepare yourself for the situation, like keeping cash money, finding out where you can stay, finding support services, speaking with a lawyer, to name a few.

In my book there are no second chances for abusers (unless serious counseling is successful) but considering all that stay in abusive situations some people have a higher tolerance than I do.

I am sad for your situation but your split is much less complicated without children. Don't worry about friends and family. They would want you to be happy and safe.

I agree w/Swingirls post. My husband has never pushed/pulled, grabbed or shoved me; that should never happen ever. It sounds like it could turn into an abusive situation and since you say you are already feeling the future may bring you an unsafe situation then I would leave. Yes, no marriages are perfect; I argue with my husband from time to time but we work things out but he never grabs or shoves me nor do I with him. Huge hugs and the others are right, your family and friends would want you to be safe; I want you safe.

I agree.

This is NOT normal and you do NOT deserve this. I'm really worried since you say that there will be an unsafe situation in the future. You are in an unsafe situation NOW. SG's suggestions on how to prepare are a really good start. You should also check into what is available if he gets violent when you leave.

My mom was in an abusive relationship with my father. It took her almost 7 years to decide to leave and on the day she left, he through a block of wood at the car (with my little brother & me sitting in it) and nearly hit my mom with it.
We were talking a couple of weeks ago about what she went through with him and she told me that she really regrets not leaving sooner. She was terrified of what he would do, but living with him was dangerous for all of us.

FWIW, he started out with mostly verbal but some pushes/grabs and it got worse (throwing furniture, hitting). The worst that I'm aware of is when he pulled out a gun and told her that if she wanted to leave she'd have to kill him.


Please make a plan and GET OUT ASAP!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

The 3 most important boundaries...
1. Never hurt yourself
2. Never hurt someone else.
3. Never let anyone else hurt you.

Your husband sounds like a rageaholic. He is addicted to anger and control. You admitted you may soon be in an unsafe situation. No saving face is worth your life. People are nosey. They may talk but life is short and you deserve to feel safe and happy. Your husband will never be able to give that to you without *him* wanting to change and *working* on dealing with his anger issues. Are marriages 100% happy 100% of the time? No. But is there rage and violence is healthy marriages? Heck no. Take care of yourself and be safe.

ETA: domestic violence therapists can help you come up with a safety plan. I would suggest counseling for yourself ASAP.

 

[TheDoctor]

Get out.
Nobody deserves that kind of abuse.
Don't worry about what other people think. Your safety is at serious risk.
My own sister bailed on a wedding for this very issue, five days before it was to happen. She had known the fellow for more than 7 years and he was obsessed with her. Unfortunately, he couldn't handle her having any male friends, period. It blew up at a function they were attending, where she danced with another co-worker. He grabbed her, hauled her out of the venue, and threw her into his truck, verbally abusing her the entire time.

27 years later, buddy stumbles upon her at a trade show and makes nice, although he knows she is happily married for most of those years to a really nice, caring, genuinely decent guy. He's now, again, being a mad dog and stalking her. Some people are not meant to be in relationships. Your husband is one of them.

Get a lawyer, a restraining order, document everything, and start over. Women deserve far better than some of the bad boys they get attached to.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Postings like this make me so sad, and I'm so sorry you're on the receiving end of this sort of treatment.

To answer your question...yes, there are happy marriages. There are couples who do get along beautifully, couples who never cross physically abusive lines, couples that have relationships built on happiness and love and respect. Marriages like that are not myths.

This is your life. It's your choice how you want to spend it. You can be bullied, embarrassed, exposed and humiliated....or you can decide that you deserve better and put that above all else.

There are people in relationships who will spend their lives living the lie. They will put on a smile, play house, dress up a bad relationship and become a spin doctor trying to make all the bad seem good.

I think a lot of what you shared about your marriage is clearly unhealthy. It's obviously not a safe relationship, it's not a healthy one and it's not bringing you any joy. While leaving someone is always scary, if this is not the life you want to lead then you need to take the steps to free yourself from yourself from it.

So sorry...

 

[Izzy03]

Okay, so I am going to throw myself out there because I feel strongly connected to your situation. I also am seriously considering leaving my husband, and have been thinking about this for the past year. (We have been married just shy of two years)

I haven't been on PS in quite sometime because I am back in school but I used to be a semi-regular poster. Several months ago, I posted my story under an anonymous name because I just didn't feel ready to "expose" myself. There was so much going on in my head that I didn't understand and I was ashamed to be "failing" at marriage so soon. I don't feel like I can really talk to friends or family about the situation because I am so embarrassed and ashamed! I know the feeling of not wanting to have to deal with telling people about it, and being worried about what others will think. Yes, it is stupid to be worried about others judging your situation, but it is a normal emotion and you can't help feeling that way!!! My guess is that when you are truly ready to leave, you will be SO TIRED of the b*llsh*t that you won't care so much about dealing with "nosy people". I say this because I am starting to see this change in myself.

So here I am, exposed, still thinking about divorce. While my husband has never put his hands on me, he has punch holes in several walls and doors and throws stuff. Like your husband, he is very short tempered. Is that a form of abuse? Sometimes I think so.

About six months after I got married, my marriage took a turn for the worst, as I was dealing with things most newlyweds do not have to deal with. Things got better for awhile, so I stuck around and was happy most of the time, then the marriage would start cracking again. Then we were happy for several weeks, and then we were miserable again. The cycle goes on and on (which seems to be your situation as well), but we have been in a rough patch pretty consistently for the past 3-4 months now.

Just today, I got upset with him because he lied to me about something petty. When I confronted him about this, he became angry made a hurtful remark about my physical appearance (basically, that I need to wear more makeup, and I am not "high maintenance" enough for him). Is this abuse? I am really starting to think so.

Plus today he had the nerve to fight with me while were were in the waiting room at his doctor's office, INCLUDING discussion about our lack of sexual activity (no wonder I don't want to have sex with him). Talk about humiliating. He usually at least attempts to be discrete in public. After his ridiculous behavior today, I am near the end of my rope with him, I am really thinking divorce is imminent.

My husband refuses to see a marriage counselor so it is hard to know that I have done everything in my power to mend our issues. One day I am convinced I am going to leave him, and the next day things seem better, the cycle never ends. If I were not in school right now, I think I would be more eager to leave, but its hard to find time and energy to leave my husband when I often don't have time to sleep or eat because of my commitment to my studies. So, do I sound like someone who understands your situation first hand?

Okay, I am done stealing the "thunder" of your post, but I just wanted to give you some background information to let you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Lately, I find myself looking at every married couple I see and thinking "Are you really that happy? How is that possible?" I also constantly think that I do end up divorced, do I really EVER want to put myself through this again? I know I will move one and find other relationships, after all I am only 26 and still turn heads. But I have completely lost faith in marriage for myself. This makes me really sad because I want children in the near future, but I only want children if I am married. However, I am afraid to get married again. Catch twenty-two........

The wonderful women on this site encouraged my to seek individual counseling for myself since my husband would not cooperate, and it actually has helped. So PLEASE SEEK COUNSELING! I am still unsure about what to do with my marriage, but with time and the help of counseling, I think I am getting warmer................

Good luck to you, I will be sure to find time in my busy schedule to check on you. BIG HUG!!!

 

[lliang_chi]

Izzy and Crazy,

Hugs to the both of you. This is a horrible situation for ANYONE to be in. Again like all the other strong women here have said, you MUST think about yourselves in these situations. It's NOT selfish, it's a preservation issue.

As my father got older he began to get abusive (emotionally and verbally) to my mom and brother. He was an awful person to be around. He was OK with me and my sister, but I think it was because we were not his wife nor his son, and we also didn't live in the same state as him. His whole upbringing was totally dysfunctional, and he was always on the cold side, but not abusive. He got WAY worse as he got older (he's mid-70s now). My mother FINALLY left him in 2010. But still she holds a lot of anger and bitterness against him. She's NOT a happy person right now, and at times I'm afraid she will never be.

EVERYONE deserves to be happy! Marriage is supposed to make your life better, happier and safer. Please, please find someone to talk to.

Izzy, you said you're a student, is there possibly a school counselor available for you to talk to?

Have courage ladies! I'm praying for you both.

~LC

 

[swimmer]

Hugs to the OP and L,

Hi, so I'm one of those nosy people you are concerned about...and I'm worried about you. A colleague is in a relationship that sounds about the same as where you ladies are. Her husband berates her occasionally in social settings and I saw him grab her arm hard at the grocery store a few weeks ago. I am hoping that she leaves him, but we aren't close enough for me to get involved...esp since she has distanced herself from all of us socially, probably because his actions are atrocious and she just doesn't want to deal. I know that if she was being beaten she would leave in an instant. Perhaps she too is struggling with the demands of her work, societal pressures, family issues... I just want you to know that there are probably women like me in your lives, watching and wondering how to help you without offending and in no way ever judging the rightness of leaving the wrong situation.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Well, I've been with my dh since high school (so quite a few years!) and can say, yes, people can be happy, but with marriage I kind of see it going in waves of super happy then the day-to-day regular days of just regular boringness! That's NORMAL, IMO. What is NOT normal is the mental/physical abuse you're talking about. Having your DH grab your arm and yell at you, etc., is NOT the way a man should be treating his spouse.

What concerns me is that you right now don't have kids. What happens if you don't leave him and you do become pregnant? My friend was with an abusive guy, became pregnant, and he didn't change AT ALL. While preg, he would throw her up against the wall. He'd call her stupid and he had no qualms about doing that in front of others. I was visiting once and he called her that while I was sitting right there.

If your DH is acting as he is, chances are people do know something is up. Friends and family want the best FOR YOU! Reaching out here is your first step. The next is calling someone and getting some additional support.

Oh, and the friend I mentioned did dump her ex after her baby was born. He left for a weekend to go surfing and she had time to clear her head and think. He did NOT do the stawking behavior that abusive men often do. Instead he moved to California and started surfing every day and flaked out on his child support payments.

 

[CrazyMaybe]

Thank you for the responses everyone.

Also, Izzy yes we do appear to be in a similar boat. I have also been married for a fairly short amount of time and am still rather young (in my mid-twenties). I also have the same feelings as you about the social backlash I will feel. Honestly, I think I feel the most guilty about how much money my parents spent on the wedding. I am scared they are going to get mad at me. I also don't really want to tell everyone exactly what has happened between my DH and I. I feel like that will make the split even worse if everyone hates him. I want it to be as amicable as possible.

My DH knows that I am thinking divorce. He will not be shocked I don't think he is going to turn violent if I tell him its over. He is not someone who gets violent to hurt me on purpose. It is more like he gets mad and doesn't think and freaks out and doesn't think about the consequences of his actions (I know that either way it is not excusable).

We have gone as far as to talk about who gets the house, the dog, etc, etc. He won't be shocked.

Also, I have confided in two of my close friends about what is going on and they both at first thought i should try and wait it out but has time has gone on they think I should jump ship.

Again, what you guys say about people probably knowing something is up is probably true. I mean he has cursed at me in front of our friends, and done other things that aren't normally. I am assuming people just don't know what to say to me about it. It is an awkard situation to put people in.

I don't know I just need to get up the courage to tell my parents about this. I am not really concerned about anyone else.

 

[Jennifer W]

Your parents love you. I'm going to guess that they don't want you, their precious child, to be in a situation that puts you at risk. If you tell them quickly and simply that your husband is dealing out low-level violence, I don't think they'd be able to sleep at night if you stayed. Telling them is probably going to be hard, but it would be harder a few years down the line if you're hiding escalating violence from them at holidays and visits and walking on egg shells to avoid his temper flares.

Even if they didn't understand and thought you should stay, would that really be enough to make you spend your short, precious life with a man who may really hurt you one day, and who is even now eroding your independence and self esteem? Because waiting to leave won't make it easier. Please give yourself permission to do it, and make careful plans to do it safely. Knowing divorce is a possibility in the abstract may not equate to him taking it well when faced with it as a reality. If it was me, I'd make some plans to have access to cash, essential or sentimental possessions and somewhere to go before I told him.

At the end of the day, if he does hurt you eventually, everyone will do a silent U-turn and say "we've always thought he was bad etc." Public opinion is fickle. If you think you should go, then that's it. You go.

Hugs. We're here for virtual hand-holding every step of the way.

 

[mary poppins]

Honestly, I think I feel the most guilty about how much money my parents spent on the wedding. I am scared they are going to get mad at me. I also don't really want to tell everyone exactly what has happened between my DH and I. I feel like that will make the split even worse if everyone hates him. I want it to be as amicable as possible.

I don't know I just need to get up the courage to tell my parents about this. I am not really concerned about anyone else.

CrazyMaybe, I'd like to address you as CrazyNotAtAll because you seem to be aware that you are in an abusive relationship and should not remain in it. It's definitely not crazy to think about leaving, and actually leaving an abusive relationship. To your two concerns above:

(1) As you probably know, abusive relationships are usually cyclical and and the abuse, be it physical, emotional or psychological, usually escalates over time. I'm sure your parents would probably rather accept the fact that they spent money on a wedding for a marriage that didn't work than know you are unhappy and in danger, or worse yet visit you in the hospital or attend your funeral as a result of your husband's actions.

(2) I don't know who "everyone" is you are referring to, but you don't have to tell anyone exactly what happened. Things just didn't work out for a variety of reasons, move on, change subject, say something positive about your new life / what you're enjoying now or looking forward to doing. The only person I would suggest you tell exactly what happened is a counselor or therapist so you can process what happened and learn how to avoid it in the future.

Although it may be hard, you should be focusing on yourself now and not what others will think. Your friends and family will stick by you regardless of how much or how little you tell them. It doesn't matter what strangers and acquaintances think. Divorce doesn't carry the stigma it once did.

Hugs to you during this process.

 

[Pandora II]

Please leave as soon as you can - you are not seeing things straight which is pretty normal in an abusive relationship (I spent 7 years in one).

What he is doing is totally unacceptable and it will not get better, it will likely get much much worse. Sometimes going for counselling is just not enough - and IMHO leopards do not change their spots.

As far as other people's marriages are concerned, I can tell you that my parents in the 40 years they have been married have probably only had about 10 big arguments, are still deeply in love with each other and my father has never insulted or laid a hand on my mother and vice-versa (well, she might have called him a pompous ass once IIRC).

I've been with my husband for 6.5 years and although we've had the odd argument here and there, he has never called me a name or even raised his voice to me (must admit that I have shouted at him - but I was pregnant and hormonal at the time!) We are each other's best friend. Sometimes life isn't great - we've been through a massive court-case, major operations, the birth and first year of a child and he's currently unemployed and has been since October - but our relationship is always good and we don't take outside issues out on each other.

You may find that other people are much more sympathetic than you think when you do leave him. Have you talked to your parents about what is going on? I know if my daughter was in this situation I would want her to confide in me and the amount we spent on her wedding would be absolutely the last thing on my mind.

 

[kelpie]

I'm very sorry you've reached this point. From your description it sounds like you are already unsafe. What you describe is abuse and it could escalate to be a lot worse. I understand how you can dread the aftermath of leaving, there is no easy way to do it. I offer you my best wishes and hugs. I would probably just leave like a thief in the night, having gotten my finances and legal documents as squared away as possible first.

 

[CrazyMaybe]

I'm very sorry you've reached this point. From your description it sounds like you are already unsafe. What you describe is abuse and it could escalate to be a lot worse. I understand how you can dread the aftermath of leaving, there is no easy way to do it. I offer you my best wishes and hugs. I would probably just leave like a thief in the night, having gotten my finances and legal documents as squared away as possible first.

I have an okay amount of savings in savings account. We never merged our bank accounts when we married. I have a credit card that is (his) with my name on it. I also have a back up credit card for an "emergency" given to me by my father, I haven't used his card since I was married. The only thing that is a big deal that we own with each other is our home. He paid for it so I would be fine with letting him have it so long as he releases me from the mortgage and gives me some of the things in the house (i.e. the furniture that i brought with me and 1/2 the household items). I don't really think our divorce would be that messy legally because of this. But who knows.

My big problem is finding a place to live because my friends and family all live pretty far from where I have to travel to everyday and I have money in savings but not a ton.

Also, with what Pandora asked me. I have not said a word about anything to my father. I have complained a bit to my mother about him, but have not gone into details. Although, I suspect she knows something is up because she will make remarks telling me i should hold off on having kids, or anything else big for awhile. (i.e. she wasn't really thrilled about us purchasing a house).

I have talked to my sister a bit about the situation and she seems to think I should wait it out a little longer.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Every state has its own laws so seeing a family law lawyer could really help you. I can't remember if you said how long you have been married. If it has been short you probably won't get any financial support.

Your parents LOVE you. They will not be disappointed. They want you to be safe and happy. Do not underestimate the power of verbal abuse. As for everyone else, someone wise once told me *it is none of my business what other people think about me.* I think most of us want to be liked and well regarded, but is your reputation worth living in an unhealthy living environment?