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Disorder in the court

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Madam Bijoux

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These are from a book called ''Disorder in the
American Courts'' and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn''t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn''t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He''s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you $hitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I''m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
 

Regular Guy

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Really...LOL!
 

Ellen

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Again, they''re all good, but the last one......


And while these are hysterical, they are also scary. Yanno? I don''t blame the one for telling the judge they wanted a new lawyer. lol
 

Brown.Eyed.Girl

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ROFL!!!
 

jcarlylew

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these are hilarious!!!
 

OUpearlgirl

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Hahha! Those a great, thanks for sharing!!!
 

AprilBaby

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Too Funny!
 

Lorelei

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Date: 2/23/2009 8:38:50 AM
Author: Ellen


Again, they''re all good, but the last one......


And while these are hysterical, they are also scary. Yanno? I don''t blame the one for telling the judge they wanted a new lawyer. lol
The last one was the best!!
 

Savvymon

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 16, 2008
Messages
120
Oh I really needed that laugh!!!!

Thanks
 

:)

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 25, 2006
Messages
1,864
Those were hysterical! Thanks for sharing - I think I need to go buy that book!
 

redfaerythinker

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Jun 7, 2007
Messages
1,781
Oh that''s brilliant! Funniest thing I''ve read in awhile!
 

kittybean

Ideal_Rock
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May 2, 2008
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Oh, dear. This is both very funny and sad. It''s objectively funny, but it''s sad because I can definitely imagine some of my esteemed colleagues asking these questions in court.
 
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