Discussion - Checking your spouses phone

[Maria2015]

I've been a lurker here a while, so it's my first post but not my first time - just hoping to avoid hazing .

I'm looking for somewhere to talk though, I'm like most of you married 8 or so years, couple kids under 5, I try to keep things going at home, work and kids school, and life. Unlike most of you though, my marriage is not doing so great, just from lack of attention more than anything else.

Not really a justification, just context...but from time to time I do check DH's phone, I guess to assure myself there's nothing. Today I found something. I think.

So please before the judging help me talk through this, first in your opinion is it wrong to check your spouses phone?

 

[chrono]

He has full access to mine and I have full access to his. We do not check each other's phone but we do borrow each other's once a while and have used each other's to text mutual friends or read some other messages that we want the other half to read. I do not deliberately check text and messages on his phone and neither does he do the same on mine.

 

[kenny]

Even if you don't find any evidence of cheating on his phone he could have another phone you don't know about, paid for with cash so it doesn't show up on CC/bank statements.

There is no password on my phone and have no idea if my SO's phone has a password.
I've never thought of checking.

 

[chemgirl]

I don't check his phone, but I know his password and he will get me to check messages if he is busy driving or whatever.

If he started to hide his phone or if he changed the password without telling me I think I would try to find out what he was hiding.

I hope I never have to, but I can see where there could be cause to check a spouse's phone.

 

[azstonie]

Talk to your spouse. Couch your question in the way that makes sense for you both:

Are we okay?

Are there problems I'm not aware of?

Are you going outside our marriage for emotional intimacy? Physical intimacy?

etc.

 

[Queenie60]

If you have access to his phone and pass code, I'm sure he's not trying to hide anything which is an indication that he's probably not having an affair. My advise to you is communication. So many marriages go wrong due to egos and lack of communication. You're eight years into this marriage with small children - this can take a toll on most relationships. You're tired, and feel as though your entire life is taken up by the house chores, possibly a job outside of the home and the constant needs of young children - been there! At times, both spouses can go astray and neglect the marriage - again, communication. Put your ego aside and take the time to tell him how you are feeling. Sometimes us women don't communicate and the men have no idea that we are feeling neglected. Marriage is a lot of work, especially with young children involved however if you do small things for each other and voice your appreciation and needs to each other you can make the work a lot easier. I wish you well on this journey and remember that you're not alone - COMMUNICATION is the key.

 

[chemgirl]

Talk to your spouse. Couch your question in the way that makes sense for you both:

Are we okay?

Are there problems I'm not aware of?

Are you going outside our marriage for emotional intimacy? Physical intimacy?

etc.

Ideally you would want to be able to have these kinds of conversations with your spouse, but if the relationship isn't the greatest maybe talking it out isn't an option.

Cheaters lie, it's what they do. He might lie to cover his behind.

I can see snooping as a way of confirming suspicious behavior before a discussion so he can't gaslight.

Eta: azstonie, not trying to single you out by quoting. I totally agree that discussion is how to deal with this in a healthy marriage. It just sounds like Maria might not be in the kind of relationship where she can have an open conversation. That in itself would be a problem for me.

 

[Maria2015]

Thanks, communication is key so true. We neglected that for awhile for all the usual reasons...put our marriage last and it kind of just became blah. We've had talks over the years but never seem to get better, not worse, just autopilot. I'm not sure he shows enough initiative..that's what might affect my ego, if someone seems so uninterested, you start to adjust.

I don't make a habit of checking, but from time to time. This time I found a text to a service...(I googled the number). It was recent, right in the middle of the Xmas preparation hoopla, so yea that's real great.

Now obviously I need to confront this, but that's why I wondered..will he just blank me and say I invaded his privacy (he has a tendancy to argue the wrong points and avoid the real issue...which is part of our issue). I don't think I did, we're in a marriage and yea if things are perfect I wouldn't even have interest in checking his phone any more than I'd check my mom's..but things aren't perfect.

Alot of things just going through my head, so while I know the talks need to happen with him, I want to think smart and not react emotional first. Plus have to get through xmas and hosting and smiling.

 

[chemgirl]

So is this text iron clad evidence to you? Is there any way he can talk himself out of it? Can you see an angle where you would buy an excuse like he texted by accident or it was spam or whatever?

If it were me, I wouldn't confront him until I had a handle on my own emotions surrounding this.

He might focus on the invasion of privacy angle, but if you are confident that what you found is proof of bad behavior on his part, you can stand firm in that and not allow him to derail the conversation. Sure, maybe you shouldn't have looked, but that's not the point.

You shouldn't be in a situation where you feel like you need to look.

Finding something eclipses everything else.

Goodluck with the holidays.

If you aren't completely sure about what you have found, use this time to collect more information. Once you confront him on this he will get better at hiding things from you.

 

[Maria2015]

So is this text iron clad evidence to you? Is there any way he can talk himself out of it? Can you see an angle where you would buy an excuse like he texted by accident or it was spam or whatever?

If it were me, I wouldn't confront him until I had a handle on my own emotions surrounding this.

He might focus on the invasion of privacy angle, but if you are confident that what you found is proof of bad behavior on his part, you can stand firm in that and not allow him to derail the conversation. Sure, maybe you shouldn't have looked, but that's not the point.

You shouldn't be in a situation where you feel like you need to look.

Finding something eclipses everything else.

Goodluck with the holidays.

If you aren't completely sure about what you have found, use this time to collect more information. Once you confront him on this he will get better at hiding things from you.

I don't know if it's iron clad, I don't know if it matters, I just am trying to figure it out and that's why hearing others' thoughts help. On one hand there's a lot to lose, I can't just overreact yest (and yea totally agree need to get a handle on my emotions).
Basically he texted someone asking for an appointment and saying it had been awhile.
Now I thought innocent thoughts at first, maybe it was physical therapy, legit massage, or just regulary therapy.
But when I googled it was clear, it's a massage of other kinds.

So I don't know, is that a deal breaker, did it actually happen..again I don't know, but maybe it doesn't matter.

Thanks though for listening. Really sucks with timing of holidays and me 100% Santa at home (ie mountain of gifts to wrap and just want to hide somewhere).

 

[Maria2015]

If you have access to his phone and pass code, I'm sure he's not trying to hide anything which is an indication that he's probably not having an affair. My advise to you is communication. So many marriages go wrong due to egos and lack of communication. You're eight years into this marriage with small children - this can take a toll on most relationships. You're tired, and feel as though your entire life is taken up by the house chores, possibly a job outside of the home and the constant needs of young children - been there! At times, both spouses can go astray and neglect the marriage - again, communication. Put your ego aside and take the time to tell him how you are feeling. Sometimes us women don't communicate and the men have no idea that we are feeling neglected. Marriage is a lot of work, especially with young children involved however if you do small things for each other and voice your appreciation and needs to each other you can make the work a lot easier. I wish you well on this journey and remember that you're not alone - COMMUNICATION is the key.

Thanks, this is good advice. Might be a bit late for me but I appreciate it.

 

[chemgirl]

Timing is awful. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this.

If it were me, I would check credit card statements for anything that doesn't make sense. Keeping in mind that this type of place will often bill under a different name (a friend used to be a stripper and the club she worked at did this). Also any large cash withdrawals that are out of the ordinary?

It sounds like he has been there before.

Goodluck when you do talk about it with him. It sounds like regardless of outcome, that you guys could benefit from counciling. DH and I have gone to work on communication and family issues and it really helped both of us feel heard in our relationship.

Bes of luck and hugs to you!

 

[OreoRosies86]

Chances are if you were snooping you already knew there was an issue. Some people can push things to the side and ignore, others will continue to gather information until it is time to confront the situation. You have to first decide what your course of action is if your fears are confirmed.

 

[Maria2015]

Chances are if you were snooping you already knew there was an issue. Some people can push things to the side and ignore, others will continue to gather information until it is time to confront the situation. You have to first decide what your course of action is if your fears are confirmed.

I knew there were issues, but not this kind. So I am shocked for sure. I snooped b/c there were times I felt we grew apart that maybe I didn''t know him like I think I do...and turns out to be the case.

I won't ignore, but it's that I haven't decided my course of action if this is true...which I think it is, it's pretty clear.

Do I break up the family? Do I work through it? Do I allow myself to be guilted for even checking (he will do that).

We have joint and separate cards, he won't put anything on the joint like that and I don't have access to his personal. This kind of place takes cash trust me.

 

[Laila619]

You're married, you should be allowed to look at his phone and vice versa. In my own marriage, I have nothing to hide. A lot of cheaters will try to deflect the blame on to the "snooper." Common tactic, because they don't want to own up to what they did.

 

[qtiekiki]

Is it wrong to check your spouse's phone? Depends on your relationship. We are ok with checking each other's phone. We actually have passcodes that we don't remember, but we just give it out when asked.

I would probably wait to confront your DH in your situation, and see what else you find. Based on your posts, it sounds like he used the service before. Another to consider is what you will do with this info. Do you still want to make your marriage work? Is this a deal breaker? If you want things to work out, then I would consider counseling and putting your marriage first. It is hard, but the kids will grow up and may not be around. So think more of your well being long term.

 

[D_]

Anything that one spouse can't be open to his/her spouse with is wrong.
Checking the phone itself may not be wrong if the SO is cool with it.
If you do it without SO's knowledge then that's wrong.

Relationship is so complex though.
"Rules" like the one above may help somewhat but not a fix-all.
I concur with what others have said here - it warrants a conversation.
Though I would say, even though your SO did something wrong, SO's not the only one in the wrong.
It takes two to tango.
If I read it right you (and your SO) have been avoiding serious conversation for a long time, so don't expect it would be something quick.
You may need to be prepared for a long difficult (but necessary) process.
If you think the process may not be worth it then you can give up, like many other have done. Fortunately and unfortunately this option has been increasingly seen as an acceptable solution.

Sending lotsa dusts to you both.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If your spouse won't let you view his phone, I'd say there is something going on he wants to protect. But I think the strategy for what to do next is really critical.

First, I wouldn't ask. NO CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT! If he's hiding something, then you asking about it will only make him more adept at covering his tracks. If you think something is going on, go dark. On the surface, you are sugar and spice and everything nice. But your job is to gather any information you can. Spyware on phone. GPS on car. Heck, hide a voice-activated recording device under his seat. My friend hired a private investigator and got hard evidence of an affair that way.

Also, there are other red flags to be on the lookout for:
1. If he says he loves you, but is no longer in love with you (classic cheating spouse line--it just means he has a new point of reference)
2. Rewriting of history--saying he hasn't been happy for "years" when you know that's not the case
3. Seems depressed. Super snippy with you for seemingly no reason.

Cheating spouses display the same behavior as addicts. The affair is their drug. So being soft or reasonable won't work. If he's not having an affair, addressing issues in the marriage is completely different. But if he is having an affair, the same strategy won't work. It would be like reasoning with a falling-down drunk.

Wishing you lots of luck and hope you don't uncover anything! If so, I highly highly recommend getting the book Surviving An Affair and following it to a T. The road to recovery is very narrow. Also, you should know that if hes SEEKING OUT a service or affair, the chances of recovery are nearly 0%. A chronic cheater who seeks out an affair is completely different from a man who has terrible boundaries and wound up being selfish when in proximity to a woman who was likely meeting needs his wife stopped meeting.

ETA: I subscribe to the feeling that you should check on your spouse until it's boring. I've luckily never had any trust issues in my marriage, but we have 100% access to phones, email, etc. I think if you're checking on your spouse, it means you care. Not that you're an intrusive jerk.

 

[chemgirl]

Anything that one spouse can't be open to his/her spouse with is wrong.
Checking the phone itself may not be wrong if the SO is cool with it.
If you do it without SO's knowledge then that's wrong.

Relationship is so complex though.
"Rules" like the one above may help somewhat but not a fix-all.
I concur with what others have said here - it warrants a conversation.
Though I would say, even though your SO did something wrong, SO's not the only one in the wrong.
It takes two to tango.
If I read it right you (and your SO) have been avoiding serious conversation for a long time, so don't expect it would be something quick.
You may need to be prepared for a long difficult (but necessary) process.
If you think the process may not be worth it then you can give up, like many other have done. Fortunately and unfortunately this option has been increasingly seen as an acceptable solution.

Sending lotsa dusts to you both.

She is equally responsible for the state of the marriage, but she is not in any way responsible for her husband's bad choices.

Maria, please don't blame yourself for a second.

 

[kenny]

Anything that one spouse can't be open to his/her spouse with is wrong.
Checking the phone itself may not be wrong if the SO is cool with it.
If you do it without SO's knowledge then that's wrong.

Relationship is so complex though.
"Rules" like the one above may help somewhat but not a fix-all.
I concur with what others have said here - it warrants a conversation.
Though I would say, even though your SO did something wrong, SO's not the only one in the wrong.
It takes two to tango.
If I read it right you (and your SO) have been avoiding serious conversation for a long time, so don't expect it would be something quick.
You may need to be prepared for a long difficult (but necessary) process.
If you think the process may not be worth it then you can give up, like many other have done. Fortunately and unfortunately this option has been increasingly seen as an acceptable solution.

Sending lotsa dusts to you both.

D_, I agree with much of your post especially, "Relationship is so complex though.".

Again, people vary.
Not everyone seeks a divorce, or even counseling, when a marriage isn't their version of perfect.
Not everyone shares the same widely-agreed-to version of love that's idolized in films and popular music.

As with many things perfect is the enemy of good enough.

(Maria, this post is not directed at you but is just a comment about our culture and I wish you well in resolving this.)

ETA: IMO breaking a promise/vow of monogamy is a huge deal.
I'm not defending cheating.
But there is a wide range of how to react to that ... not just one way, the right way, which everyone must be trained to 'get with the program'.

 

[D_]

First, I wouldn't ask. NO CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT! If he's hiding something, then you asking about it will only make him more adept at covering his tracks. If you think something is going on, go dark. On the surface, you are sugar and spice and everything nice. But your job is to gather any information you can. Spyware on phone. GPS on car. Heck, hide a voice-activated recording device under his seat. My friend hired a private investigator and got hard evidence of an affair that way.

This is nuts.
If the point is to point finger, gather evidence for a divorce etc. then this is a good advice.
But if the point is to work things out, I don't see how this will help.
Not to mention the impact on OP's emotional well-being too. It's awful to play this game and be this paranoid.
Yes, it's SO's induced paranoid, but the cheating is often not the main/root cause of the problem (unless SO's addict/psycho etc. - i.e. naturally inclined to do that - in which case OP is better off running, fast). So focusing on the cheating won't resolve the actual problem.

 

[D_]

She is equally responsible for the state of the marriage, but she is not in any way responsible for her husband's bad choices.

Maria, please don't blame yourself for a second.

I agree. Thank you for clarifying that, chemgirl.
And to be consistent with my previous post, hence the importance of not focusing the conversation on the cheating part.
Because that means addressing/attacking SO's clearly bad choice and putting the SO on the defensive, versus working together towards finding the solution, together, IF that's what you want to do.

 

[D_]

You're married, you should be allowed to look at his phone and vice versa. In my own marriage, I have nothing to hide. A lot of cheaters will try to deflect the blame on to the "snooper." Common tactic, because they don't want to own up to what they did.

It's not about having othing to hide.
It's about privacy.
One's right to privacy (and being able to respect each other's privacy) don't totally end when one's being married.
This goes both ways.
Unfortunately the cheaters make people paint with a broad brush and can make "having a boundary" seem like an unacceptable thing when one's married.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

First, I wouldn't ask. NO CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT! If he's hiding something, then you asking about it will only make him more adept at covering his tracks. If you think something is going on, go dark. On the surface, you are sugar and spice and everything nice. But your job is to gather any information you can. Spyware on phone. GPS on car. Heck, hide a voice-activated recording device under his seat. My friend hired a private investigator and got hard evidence of an affair that way.

This is nuts.
If the point is to point finger, gather evidence for a divorce etc. then this is a good advice.
But if the point is to work things out, I don't see how this will help.
Not to mention the impact on OP's emotional well-being too. It's awful to play this game and be this paranoid.
Yes, it's SO's induced paranoid, but the cheating is often not the main/root cause of the problem (unless SO's addict/psycho etc. - i.e. naturally inclined to do that - in which case OP is better off running, fast). So focusing on the cheating won't resolve the actual problem.

You clearly have never dealt with a cheating spouse. Or read about it, even. Logic does not apply to cheating spouses. Cheaters are crack addicts. This whole "talk it out, be reasonable" approach is for the birds.

This isn't a game. It's a sound strategy to save your marriage (if that's what OP wants. If not, then nobody would fault her for divorcing if he is cheating). Evidence gathering while being a great wife is one of the key pieces. The most key piece is what happens with the evidence, which is exposure. My friend with the PI did this brilliantly. She sent the evidence to all her family and friends (and his, too, plus the other woman's family) with a very loving letter stating how much she loves her husband and how much she would would like all of their support in saving their marriage. No finger pointing, no embarrassment--a letter full of love. He was furious because his wife took away his drug (the affair), which is how my friend knew she'd hit the target of starting to kill the affair. Trouble in affairland coupled with my friend's push to be a great wife (despite wanting to spit nails at him) made the wife the better option once the exposure bomb exploded.

Recovery is not easy at all, even after the affair is dead. I won't get into it all here, but I can promise you that being reasonable with a cheater who is IN AN ACTIVE AFFAIR is marriage suicide. It just further entrenches the affair.

ETA: I can promise that if the OP tries to brush this under the rug in hopes her husband will "come to his senses", she's in for a truly awful emotional roller coaster. Nipping it in the bud from the get go is any betrayed spouses best bet.

 

[azstonie]

Talk to your spouse. Couch your question in the way that makes sense for you both:

Are we okay?

Are there problems I'm not aware of?

Are you going outside our marriage for emotional intimacy? Physical intimacy?

etc.

Ideally you would want to be able to have these kinds of conversations with your spouse, but if the relationship isn't the greatest maybe talking it out isn't an option.

Cheaters lie, it's what they do. He might lie to cover his behind.

I can see snooping as a way of confirming suspicious behavior before a discussion so he can't gaslight.

Eta: azstonie, not trying to single you out by quoting. I totally agree that discussion is how to deal with this in a healthy marriage. It just sounds like Maria might not be in the kind of relationship where she can have an open conversation. That in itself would be a problem for me.

Hi Chem, and that's for sure, my first husband was a lying cheater so I know what you're saying.

 

[D_]

You clearly have never dealt with a cheating spouse. Or read about it, even. Logic does not apply to cheating spouses. Cheaters are crack addicts. This whole "talk it out, be reasonable" approach is for the birds.

This isn't a game. It's a sound strategy to save your marriage (if that's what OP wants. If not, then nobody would fault her for divorcing if he is cheating). Evidence gathering while being a great wife is one of the key pieces. The most key piece is what happens with the evidence, which is exposure. My friend with the PI did this brilliantly. She sent the evidence to all her family and friends (and his, too, plus the other woman's family) with a very loving letter stating how much she loves her husband and how much she would would like all of their support in saving their marriage. No finger pointing, no embarrassment--a letter full of love. He was furious because his wife took away his drug (the affair), which is how my friend knew she'd hit the target of starting to kill the affair. Trouble in affairland coupled with my friend's push to be a great wife (despite wanting to spit nails at him) made the wife the better option once the exposure bomb exploded.

Not a spouse fortunately, so the magnitude is nothing compared to OP's.
Though I read a lot about it since I find relationships fascinating.

Thanks for explaining that.
I thought the evidence gathering was meant for a different direction - I apologize.
This is interesting and I can see now how that would work.

 

[Queenie60]

Maria: I am so sorry for you - my heart goes out to you. It must be quite difficult to deal with a cheating/dishonest spouse, especially when small children are involved. There's so much at stake here - not just your marriage. The children with be the ones who suffer the most. I suggest getting yourself through the holiday season - if anything, do it for your children. I suggest you get counseling for yourself so that you can get some professional advise on how to handle this most difficult situation. I wish you well - sending good thoughts your way. Take care

 

[Laila619]

First, I wouldn't ask. NO CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT! If he's hiding something, then you asking about it will only make him more adept at covering his tracks. If you think something is going on, go dark. On the surface, you are sugar and spice and everything nice. But your job is to gather any information you can. Spyware on phone. GPS on car. Heck, hide a voice-activated recording device under his seat. My friend hired a private investigator and got hard evidence of an affair that way.

This is nuts.
If the point is to point finger, gather evidence for a divorce etc. then this is a good advice.
But if the point is to work things out, I don't see how this will help.
Not to mention the impact on OP's emotional well-being too. It's awful to play this game and be this paranoid.
Yes, it's SO's induced paranoid, but the cheating is often not the main/root cause of the problem (unless SO's addict/psycho etc. - i.e. naturally inclined to do that - in which case OP is better off running, fast). So focusing on the cheating won't resolve the actual problem.

You clearly have never dealt with a cheating spouse. Or read about it, even. Logic does not apply to cheating spouses. Cheaters are crack addicts. This whole "talk it out, be reasonable" approach is for the birds.

This isn't a game. It's a sound strategy to save your marriage (if that's what OP wants. If not, then nobody would fault her for divorcing if he is cheating). Evidence gathering while being a great wife is one of the key pieces. The most key piece is what happens with the evidence, which is exposure. My friend with the PI did this brilliantly. She sent the evidence to all her family and friends (and his, too, plus the other woman's family) with a very loving letter stating how much she loves her husband and how much she would would like all of their support in saving their marriage. No finger pointing, no embarrassment--a letter full of love. He was furious because his wife took away his drug (the affair), which is how my friend knew she'd hit the target of starting to kill the affair. Trouble in affairland coupled with my friend's push to be a great wife (despite wanting to spit nails at him) made the wife the better option once the exposure bomb exploded.

Recovery is not easy at all, even after the affair is dead. I won't get into it all here, but I can promise you that being reasonable with a cheater who is IN AN ACTIVE AFFAIR is marriage suicide. It just further entrenches the affair.

ETA: I can promise that if the OP tries to brush this under the rug in hopes her husband will "come to his senses", she's in for a truly awful emotional roller coaster. Nipping it in the bud from the get go is any betrayed spouses best bet.

NEL is spot-on here. This is the advice that most top experts in the field of infidelity recommend. An affair is like a drug or alcohol or gambling addiction. You can't reason or talk someone out of it. (NEL, do you post on TAM by any chance?)

 

[missy]

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If your spouse won't let you view his phone, I'd say there is something going on he wants to protect. But I think the strategy for what to do next is really critical.

First, I wouldn't ask. NO CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT! If he's hiding something, then you asking about it will only make him more adept at covering his tracks. If you think something is going on, go dark. On the surface, you are sugar and spice and everything nice. But your job is to gather any information you can. Spyware on phone. GPS on car. Heck, hide a voice-activated recording device under his seat. My friend hired a private investigator and got hard evidence of an affair that way.

Also, there are other red flags to be on the lookout for:
1. If he says he loves you, but is no longer in love with you (classic cheating spouse line--it just means he has a new point of reference)
2. Rewriting of history--saying he hasn't been happy for "years" when you know that's not the case
3. Seems depressed. Super snippy with you for seemingly no reason.

Cheating spouses display the same behavior as addicts. The affair is their drug. So being soft or reasonable won't work. If he's not having an affair, addressing issues in the marriage is completely different. But if he is having an affair, the same strategy won't work. It would be like reasoning with a falling-down drunk.

Wishing you lots of luck and hope you don't uncover anything! If so, I highly highly recommend getting the book Surviving An Affair and following it to a T. The road to recovery is very narrow. Also, you should know that if hes SEEKING OUT a service or affair, the chances of recovery are nearly 0%. A chronic cheater who seeks out an affair is completely different from a man who has terrible boundaries and wound up being selfish when in proximity to a woman who was likely meeting needs his wife stopped meeting.

ETA: I subscribe to the feeling that you should check on your spouse until it's boring. I've luckily never had any trust issues in my marriage, but we have 100% access to phones, email, etc. I think if you're checking on your spouse, it means you care. Not that you're an intrusive jerk.

First of all Maria, I am so sorry you are dealing with this and second of all I agree with all of NEL's wise post. Make sure of your facts before you approach him so he cannot gaslight you and then cover them even better from this day forward. I wish you lots of luck too and I hope there is nothing to find. Here's hoping there is no cheating going on and that all you two need is a good conversation/counseling on how to improve the state of your marriage and your relationship and how to put each other first and communicate all the way.

 

[D_]

One thing I don't get is - why are we focusing on the cheating part as if it's the main problem here?

Is it because it's easier to identify with/imagine ourselves being in those shoes and how bad it would feel etc2?