Disappointed with Matron of Honor

[hoofbeats95]

I need somewhere to vent. I really wasn't going to because I thought maybe I was over reacting, but I'm honestly disappointed in my matron of honor.

She's been a friend for a long time. She's a very incredibly organized person and was one of the people pushing me to have a traditional wedding. She insisted she'd help me with ALL of the details. She's a stay at home mom and her kids are in school at least half a day. They may all be in school all day now, I'm not 100% sure. So she does have some down time.

She hasn't done anything to help me out really. She doesn't even offer or ask if I need help. The first disappointment came when she only went dress shopping with me once. I had a HARD time finding a dress. IT took a long time and included my mom and I driving to Low's Bridal in Arkansas! I understand not going with me every time. But I honestly felt like she implied " you have one chance for me to help you shop for the dress". I finally narrowed it down. There was one dress that I liked and I still had an appt at a trunk show. I asked her to go with me a day or so before the trunk show to look at the one dress and then to come to the trunk show and help me decide. I knew it would come down to that dress or one at the show if I liked one. And then I wanted help choosing. I really wanted someone's opinion besides my mom's. She had been with me for EVERY dress and I thought we were both getting overwhelmed. My MOH just brushed me off and didn't seem interested in coming to either place with me. It honestly hurt my feelings. I should mention we have a very small wedding party (by choice) and I have a MOH and one bridesmaid. The other bridesmaid is a cousin (like a 2nd or 3rd cousin and truly I think of her as friend more than I do as family), but she lives in Omaha.

So I get the dress without her help and then we do bridesmaids dresses. I knew this would be a one shot deal so I set my standards lower and was determined to chose something the first day. That went well enough.

The wedding is one month from today. She hasn't helped me do a single thing. I guess I had dreams of someone helping me with favors, or invitations, or save the dates. . . you know something like that. I've had offers from someone not even in the wedding (she's a fiance to my FI's cousin). She seriously wants to help but I'm not 100% comfortable with that. My bridesmaid in Omaha constantly asks for stuff to to. She calls and emails and checks in. She insists I give her something to do. I haven't really been able to due to distance, other than just recently I asked her to contact some people who haven't RSVPd.

My dress . . . well I mentioend to my MOH that she'd need to come learn how to bustle it. I insist that this is NOT my mom's job. There was a bit of misunderstanding at first and she said she couldn't. She thought she had to be at the first try on. So I understood the miscommunication. But I honestly am thinking of a plan B here so that I'm prepared when she tells me no. I expect her to tell me no and so I'm trying hard to not be upset.

I emailed her yesterday asking if she was willing to do a toast. She replied that she would prefer not to "but if I absolutely have to I will" and then proceeded to say it would be very "short and sweet". So I emailed my bridesmaid and asked her if she "wanted" to, clarifying that she did not have to. She replied that she would be honored! Interesting difference in replies huh? Then after I went to bed, or well after I stopped checking emails last night, my MOH emailed that she changed her mind and would give at toast. Does she feel guilty? So I decided that my bridesmaid can still give a toast regardless. It's ok to do that right?

My bridesmaid is married, has two kids and works about 60 hours a week. I get teary thinking of how willing she is to help and do anything I ask even though she is so far away. I've thought many times that I chose the wrong person to be my MOH. Ironically the last wedding I was in was very similar. There was one MOH and a bridesmaid. I was the bridesmaid. The MOH was the bride's sister. She did NOTHING and the bride told me she should have chose me to be the MOH. Maybe this is a common thing? Maybe it's common to have high standards for your MOH? I feel like over the time of planning that I've lowered my standards to avoid disappointment. The dress thing disappointed me BIG time. So I feel like I've expected less and less. But I feel like I'm still disappointed.

Thanks for listening. I've not figured out how to get this off my chest, so I chose here!

 

[elrohwen]

I'm sorry you're frustrated - she did *say* that she would help you.

However, I also think your expectations are too high. IMO, a MOH or bridesmaid only needs to show up in the dress you choose for her on the correct day. It's nice to think that someone will help you with all of the details, but nobody cares about your wedding like you do and it's unrealistic to expect her to be excited and helpful when it's your wedding. I'm sure she is excited for you and can't wait to be at your wedding, but I don't think she's obligated to help you wit the details.

 

[sonnyjane]

I agree with the PP. It's a bummer that she said she would help and now has gone back on that promise. Aside from that, however, I am of the school of thought that a Maid/Matron of Honor, or any bridesmaid for that matter, is not a wedding planner, nor are they getting paid to be a wedding planner. In fact, in a lot of cases, they pay quite a lot to be in the wedding, so I wouldn't expect much from them in addition.

Did she request to be the Matron of Honor, or did you just pick her? At this point, if you're very close to the wedding and need help, there is no shame in accepting the offers of people that are not your MOH. If someone offers to help, go ahead and accept help. And I wouldn't worry about the bustle thing We eloped so I had to teach my husband to do it and he learned in about three seconds in the hotel room before the ceremony. If he could get a bustle down, I'm sure she can!

 

[hoofbeats95]

Hmm. . . so I've never been a maid of honor, but I've been in weddings and I've helped the bride do many things as simply a bridesmaid.

Did she request to be my MOH? I would say it was mutual. She hoped she would be and I wanted her to be. She was very excited. I would never flat out ask to be a MOH. That would be awkward and bordering on rude imo.

Throughout all of this, I've never minded doing thing on my own or with my FI. But I guess I thought I'd have a bit more fun girly time with her during all of this. And of course she told me she'd help with all the details.

Yes all she does have to do is show up and wear the dress. I suppose you are right. Thanks for waking me up with reality. I suppose that's what I needed.

 

[hoofbeats95]

I'm not worried about her being capable of doing the bustle. I'm worried about her coming to learn it. THe last wedding I was in the dress had 12 hooks for the bustle. We still ended up with it not quite right. As once one was hooked there was no undoing it. So it was off. I have no idea how many mine will have, but I would think someone would need to learn how to do it. Maybe I can just do it myself. I'm tall and can pretty much bend over, lift the dress up and do it myself. In my area it's the expectation the MOH at a minimum come to the final fitting to learn. The last wedding I was in, both I and the MOH went to learn how to do it. I guess I shouldn't expect that either. I guess I just feel that she was my friend and would want to help me with things. Especially with the dress! it's very eye opening to see how some people define friendship. I was more active in all my previous weddings and I was never a MOH. *shrug* It is what it is. The wedding will be great no matter what. And in one month the whole thing will be over. There is light at the end of this tunnel. I honestly wish we had a destination wedding.

 

[sillyberry]

I understand that her insistence that she would help with the details is what makes this so frustrating. Which completely sucks, but as of now it appears to be what it is. Even though from the outside she appears to have lots of free time, she might be overwhelmed with something else and is doing a poor job of relaying that to you, which would not be a reflection upon how much she values your relationship. You never know.

Definitely take other people up on their offers to help. I've had a bunch of friends who aren't in the wedding party offer to help - one went dress shopping with me, others have offered to help put together favors, throw a party, stuff like that. And I'm happy to take them up on it! It might help lessen the sting if you still get to do girly wedding stuff with friends, even if it isn't with your MOH.

 

[hoofbeats95]

I'm over it. I just needed to get it off my chest. I understand that I have an unaccepted point of view here. Maybe expectations of your wedding party, or specifically the one special person you ask to be your MOH, vary depending on where you are. I don't feel like my expectations are out of line for what I've seen in other weddings. And honestly it's not that I really needed help with anything other than the dress. That part was very disappointing for me. Highly so when I had it narrowed down and really wanted her opinion. That hurt. The toast situation also is hurtful. It's pretty understood (for lack of a better word) that the best man and MOH give a toast at a wedding. If I was a MOH and the bride asked about the toast I would never dream of saying I'd prefer not to. I'd suck it up and start writing the toast. So I guess some things have just compounded recently and I needed to get it off my chest. The clock is ticking. Less than a month and all of this will be over and life will continue like it had before. I'll put the feelings aside and move on. Thanks for listening.

 

[meresal]

Hoofbeats,

Expectations aren't dependent on WHERE you are, they are dependent on WHO you are.

I had 8 BM's and a MOH, and it was still only me and my mom at all of my dress shopping and fittings.

I can understand you being upset that she has not been as involved as she "said" she would. When someone says something, you hold them to it. I had a BM back out of going to a bridal show with me, ON THE WAY to the bridal show. I was livid. I completely get what you mean. (With that said, my reaction was based on things she has backed out of before. I saw it coming all week, and she waited till the last minute to cancel.)

Maybe you could send her a list of the things you have left to do, the dates you are going to do them, and let her tell you what she can be there for. That way, you are expressing that you would love to spend time with her and have her help with thing, and you are giving her time to look at her calendar and PLAN to be with you.

If she still can't make time, then I would say something. I would be very disappointed if a best friend of mine couldn't even offer to help with one wedding activity, the month before the wedding. There is so much to do in those last few weeks.

I hope things get better.

 

[hoofbeats95]

Thanks for your reply! Very honest. I haven't actualy asked for a thing other than help with the dress (and the question about the toast). I guess I just expected a bit more from a friend. That's the hard part. And I guess because going this more traditional route was a hard decision for me and she really talked it up and told me she would help with everything. As soon as the decision was made she quit offering help. Oh she was a cheerleader though, telling me "you are rolling right along" or "way to go, you have accomplished a lot". I'd often times tell her I felt overwhelmed, but never did I get an offer for help. *shrug* Oh well. It is what it is right?

 

[CharmyPoo]

I asked for nothing and nothing was ever offered by my MOH. I feel sad about it but I have moved on. Heck, I even picked out and paid for all the bridesmaids outfits by myself!!! Luckily, my sister has been very good about everything!

 

[redfaerythinker]

I haven't actualy asked for a thing other than help with the dress (and the question about the toast). I guess I just expected a bit more from a friend. That's the hard part.

This is a difficult situation and i'd like to start out by offering my sympathies to your situation. I think that most brides lose touch with reality when planning their weddings. It is, after-all, one of the most important days in your life. However it is just that, a day, in YOUR life. It is unrealistic to expect someone to spend all of their free time thinking of ways to help you. This includes spending day after day helping you search for a dress. It is also very possible that she is waiting for you to ask her for help with a task. I am a bridesmaid for a friend and being that I am not psychic, I'm not doing a thing for her. Because she has not ASKED. I would love to help her (and have told her so), but as it is not my wedding, I have no idea what to do, and i'm not a forward enough person to just give myself an assignment. I would also cut her some slack on the toast front. Public speaking is one of the most prevalent phobias among people and this is a very important moment, and one that is really easy to screw up.

Weddings are hard, they bring out the very best, and worst in people. They force you to evaluate relationships in an entirely different, and much harsher, light and you don't always like what you see. But at the end of the day, you have to realize that this wedding will end. And you have to ask yourself if you feeling a bit underwhelmed by her enthusiasm is worth causing a perhaps irreparable rift in your friendship. I hope this doesn't offend you, as I have nothing but compassion and understanding for your position as I have been there myself.

I would suggest that you throw yourself into the fun things planning a wedding can offer. Watch wedding videos on the knot, call your enthusiastic bridesmaid and have a chat about how wonderful your wedding and reception will be. Come and talk to the wonderful women here who have nothing but excitement about everything including monogrammed napkins! But please don't dwell on what may be a large misunderstanding on the part of your MOH. Maybe think of something that you need her help on that she can do while her kids are at school? She might not be in a position to go places with you, but perhaps if you gave her a task, like folding programs, that she could do in a time convenient for her.

I hope this works out for you and that your wedding day is nothing but joyful.

 

[hoofbeats95]

Thanks for your response. I realize that I'm in the minority here. I realize that apparently I'm being unrealistic. However, I never said I expected her to go with me day after day looking for a dress. But I did specifically ASK when I had it narrowed down. I also never said I expected her to spend all her free time thinking of ways to help me. She tells me ALL the time how fun this will be and how much she is looking forward to it. I am realistic in how much free time she actually has. I've known her for years. I was in her wedding, though not as maid of honor. Thanks for all your replies. I'm over it and I'd like this topic to be over. My wedding is 3 weeks from today! I'm past the point of wanting or needing help. I'll get all the details wrapped up myself. And I'm past the point of needing help now. Cause it's just logisical stuff at this point.