Different Family Dynamics

[merbear1215]

Hi Ladies,

Just wondering if any of you are dealing with a situation that I am in. My fiance and I come from VERY different families. I love my parents and my sister so much. We get along amazingly well and I feel incredibly lucky to have them in my life. Even our extended family is very close! My fiance is almost the complete opposite with his family. We spend time with my family constantly (we do live closer to them) but we RARELY see his family. He never seems invested in seeing them but he really likes coming to my family functions and interacting with all the family members.

His desire to be with my family probably has a lot to do with how they treat him. From day one, they totally included him in everything, celebrate his birthday, get him gifts, etc. We have been together for 3.5 years and I have not so much as gotten a card for anything from his family (I have had three birthdays, college graduation, grad school graduation, and numerous holidays). I am not trying to keep track, but there is obviously something very welcoming in being included in a family or having your life events celebrated.

Obviously, it is not the relationship you hope to have with your inlaws. He explained to me that they are just a much more reserved and cold group of people, but it still bothers me.

And, it gives me some concerns about our future family dynamic. To be fair, his childhood was not good. It just seems that his mom had no idea how to parent. She had his brother when she was only 17 (he had a baby when he was 17) so my fiance was an uncle before he was born. Anyway, he was way too restricted growing up because I think his mom was trying to make up for the lack of parenting she did with the older brother.

Also, his dad lives in a VA home and his handicapped. However, any good memories he has from childhood all have to do with his father. Recently, he went back to spend a day with his family and told me he would go visit his dad. He didn''t. I was so upset with him. At first, when I questioned why he didn''t go to visit him, he said it was his dad so why should I care.

But, again, it really concerns me for our future. Eventually, he explained that it is SO hard for him to see his father bed ridden and getting progressively worse. And, I can''t imagine how hard that is. But, he is family and you go to visit him, not because of how it effects you, but because of how it makes him happy. I said, "what if I become handicapped, are you just not going to see me." I was so disapointed in him for not going.

OK, sorry to babble. Any one have thoughts or suggestions?

 

[HappyNewLife]

I wanted to post since I did read this and didn''t want you to think I don''t care. I''m sorry his family isn''t embracing you like yours did him. I don''t think it''s anything personal, they seem to be very different people. I hope this isn''t something that comes between you and your BF.

*hugs*

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Hi

I am actually like your BF my BF has a wonderful relationship with his family and talk to them and see them all tghe time, they love me and accept me and are just amazing.

My parents got divorced when I was 21, my dad declared he was gay and my mum started dating a drug addict (puitting it bluntly). Up until I was 21 I had a normal happy family, we were close and I saw them multiple times a week, now I cant bear to see them very often because it is emotionally draining and I get depressed for days afterwards and get a super guilty feeling for no apparent reason.

I have a healthy relationship with my sister still but the rest not anymore.

It would really hurt me to find that my BF saw this as an impact on our relationship because I really need him to support me through the whole thing, and I would feel very alone otherwise.

 

[merilenda]

Like PrincessNatalie, I can give you the perspective from the other time. My SO has a large extended family that we have spent a lot of time with in the 3 years we have been together. His parents (who are divorced, but they both do this) get me birthday/Christmas/graduation gifts and generally include me in all family functions, etc.

On the other hand, I have a small family and mostly strained relationships. Until my dad died a couple months ago, we never spent any time with them (I''m trying to make an effort with my mom again now). But a couple years ago, for reasons I won''t too much into, I decided that my mom was too toxic to be in my life. For my own mental health, I pretty much cut all connections with her. So she definitely wasn''t sending any birthday cards to my SO, but then, she wasn''t sending anything to me either.

I can understand where you''re coming from, but coming from the other side of it, I would find it hurtful if my SO was concerned about our future because of these reasons. You can''t choose your family or control how they treat you.

Because my SO is close to his family, he had some trouble understanding my situation in the beginning. He encouraged me to contact my mother and acted disappointed when I didn''t call her up at Christmas or whatever. This was extremely frustrating to me, because I felt like he had absolutely no insight into my situation. The level of involvement your fiance wants to have with his family is up to him - I would almost guarantee there are dynamics going on that you may not understand.

I hope I''m not coming off too harshly or anything, it''s just that I know what it''s like on the other side of that coin. It''s great that you have strong relationships with your family, but just remember that it''s not wrong to not have those strong ties. I''m sure we would all choose to have great family relationships if that were possible, but since it''s not, we deal with what we''re given.

 

[LadyJane83]

I know it can be frustrating, and I am sorry that you are upset. Try not to take this personally, or as some type of sign that his future relationships will be like the one he has with his parents. Every family dynamic is different.

 

[blacksand]

Now I feel bad, because I just posted about how awesome my boyfriend''s family is. This is a tough situation for me to evaluate, because I’ve been in relationships with people with not-so-good family relations, and they’ve all turned out…pretty horribly. I personally think family is EXTREMELY important, and having a good family support system and good relationships is unbelievably helpful in building a good and lasting relationship with your partner. I certainly wouldn’t say you shouldn’t be with someone whose family you’re not fond of, but I do think you should understand that there will probably always be some strain there and it’s something you’ll have to accept on an ongoing basis. These will be your children’s grandparents.

In reading some of the comments, I’m a little torn. I do agree that he probably struggles with this and needs you to support him, but I’m also of the opinion that, if you’re serious enough to be enagaged, you should be sharing these burdens. So it seems to me you should most definitely have insight into his family dynamics and you should absolutely be allowed to have an opinion. If you just started dating, then no, but if you’re a firmly established couple, you’re family (or will soon be). You should be facing whatever issues there may be together. You should be in agreement about how you choose to approach his family situation and do it together. It’s not the most popular opinion around here, but I still believe that you marry into a family, so you will be bound to his family, one way or another, for life. If you choose to accept things as they are and maintain status quo, then accept them. Wholeheartedly. If you think something needs to change, whatever it is, talk to your fiancé, a lot, and make decisions together (you can’t change them, so any changes you do make have to come from your end, and only with your fiancé’s agreement). And if you cannot accept the thought that this will be the family you marry into, the grandparents of your future children, then you should move on. Sorry if that sounds dramatic, it’s just that I think those are the only three options you have. They are all difficult options, but the easiest of the three, in my opinion, is to accept and love them for who they are.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/3/2010 9:47:25 PM
Author: . It's great that you have strong relationships with your family, but just remember that it's not wrong to not have those strong ties. I'm sure we would all choose to have great family relationships if that were possible, but since it's not, we deal with what we're given.

I just wanted to highlight this portion.

I am not in the *same* position as you or your fiance in that DH and I have *fairly* similar family dynamics in that we have little to no contact with our paternal sides (including fathers) and we also live far away from our family members we ARE close to (i.e. mothers, stepparents, siblings) and do not see them that often though we are very included by those family members. However, we both tend to be pretty independent people and not really rely on our family members much - we see them more as their own independent adults and so on. I don't know if that makes sense.

This does not mean in anyway we do not love our families - either the ones we are close to or the ones we really aren't. We are both very honest with each other about our family dynamics, and at same time do not force each other to have the SAME relationship with our family members or the same opinions of them and so on.

While you may not *understand* for yourself his relationship with his father for example, I would encourage you to do your best to *understand* your fiance and that this is what works for him. Perhaps it is fear, sadness, pain, who knows....but there is a lot going on there that influences his choices. It may not even be something he is entirely aware of *yet* and may need to talk to someone (you, a professional, etc) about. I also do think it is a good idea to both talk openly about your family relationships with one another, your expectations for these family relationships, and so on, not with a goal of "changing" them, but of truly listening and learning about each other.

And that being said, if you are planning on spending your life together, his family is your family and vice versa (the good and the bad, the dynamics and all, whether you or FI are close to them or not close to them) and you should be facing family issues and so on as a team. And I agree with blacksand that you have options, and you need to look at them if this is becoming such a big concern for you.

 

[merbear1215]

Thank you for the responses. I will admit that I often have a hard time stepping into someone else''s shoes. Or looking at it from his perspective.

I must say, the situation is not awesome, and of course I wish we were close with them, but honestly, I feel like it could be so much worse.

He has remarked to me several times that he wishes he had grown up in a family like mine. Like I mentioned previously, he loves coming to our family functions and vacations. I do take comfort in the fact he is not "anti-family" by any means, he just doesn''t care for his family. Truth be told, I find that ok since they are not great with me. I think the situation would be terrible if he said "my family is great, and they are really nice to you" because that would show me how far apart we are in perspective.

It''s more just that I WISH his family could have the dynamic that mine does and he does not think it can (and he is probably right). The other night, I said "all that happened with your mom, you just don''t think you can move on from it?" And he said "no, I can''t. I don''t know what she did exactly, but I know what she did, if that makes any sense." I told him it reminded me of a quote I had heard "you may not remember what someone said or what someone did, but you will always remember how they made you feel." He said that was exactly it. And of course, I can never know how he felt about the things she did in the past.

She is very religious (Pentacostal) and I am Jewish, so that doesn''t really help relations. And just to give some examples (I don''t think this neccesarily comes from her being religious or what, but this is the type of stuff she would do): For years he saved ALL his money, from birthdays, Christmas, all of it and bought those game cards. I don''t know what they are exaclty, like MAGIC cards or whatever. One day, after he saved for so long and collected them, she burned them in the fireplace because she said they were the stuff of the devil. Or.....she told him (and why she ever told him this I don''t know, and why she told me AT his birthday or at all, I have no clue) that when he was 3 months old, she was bathing him and the devil took her over and she held him under water to try to drown him, eventually let up, gave him to the father, and went for a long drive.

I think she has gotten more "normal" as he has grown up, and he thinks so too, but he still calls her crazy and that stuff that i mentioned above, I could see how that could f**k you up and make you feel really negative towards your mom.....

 

[Anonymous]

I don''t have a lot of time, so I hope this makes sense!

Basically, I''m also on the other side of the coin. My FI''s family treats me like I''m already his wife and part of the family. FMIL is *amazing* and supportive (never thought I''d get that lucky, considering my ex-MIL never knew how to even spell my name and I was married for 10 yrs!).

Anyhow, I wanted to respond specifically to the anxiety about your SO and how he is struggling with visiting his father. I know it''s tough, but when it comes to parents it''s a whole different ball game. It''s likely that he''s always seen his father as a strong, capable man. To face the reality that he is deteriorating also means facing the fact that he''s no longer the person that he''s always been since he was a child, and that he will have to be without his father eventually. It''s facing his own mortality, and all sorts of issues.

I would try not to compare these things to your relationship, as it''s a totally different dynamic. I''m not saying he wouldn''t struggle, and I do think you should sit down and have a heart to heart with him about it if you are truly anxious or reserved in your commitment to the relationship with him for fear of how things would go if you were sick. Who knows, maybe the conversation would help him to articulate his thoughts and feelings regarding his father and help him work through his fears/anxieties enough to spend more time with him.

Good luck, and lots of *hugs*!

 

[elrohwen]

I know this isn''t particularly helpful, but the first thing I thought was "It could be so much worse!"

Sure, it''s not ideal that his family hasn''t welcomed you, but it sounds like it''s nothing personal. They just don''t sound like a very warm group of people. There are plenty of girls dealing with controlling or obnoxious MILs who seem to resent them, so I guess think of it positively - at least you aren''t in that situation!

I''m very close with my parents, and DH is close with his mom and sister, but otherwise neither of us are close with extended family. I only ever communicate with two relatives! I just try to be thankful for the wonderful parents (and MIL and SIL) I do have and not worry about the craziness of the others. As long as they''re not making my life difficult, I ignore them.

 

[Anonymous]

WOW I just read your post (I had been writing mine for a while w/distractions, sorry!). Hun she sounds mentally ill.

I would be very, very careful about things with his mom. That''s crazy, and very tragic.

For a bit of perspective, my parents never did anything that crazy, but they have done a significant amount of emotional damage over the years. I was supporting them at the age of 16 while going to HS, because my dad broke his leg on an ATV and my mom had just had knee surgery, which began a 10 year pattern of them being financially irresponsible and me running to the bank at lunch to deposit money so they wouldn''t lose their home or utilities. When I had my first child & stopped helping, the relationship took a serious nosedive. That was 8 years ago. Their home is 600 miles away, so when they have visited, they''d (literally!!) stay for a year, then would leave and we wouldn''t hear from them for months. They did that three times before I told them I''d no longer allow them to hurt my family by being a part of their daily lives and then *poof* nothing but empty promises and avoiding the kids'' phone calls. It broke my daughters'' (and my) hearts.

Anyhow, the reason I''m sharing all of that is because I *know* in my heart that my parents are both very ill mentally (PTSD, OCD and clinical depression compounded by alcoholism). If they were capable of having a healthy relationship with us, I would do everything I could to facilitate it (within healthy boundaries, not by supporting them or letting them live w/us when they have their own home, etc.). However, after YEARS of therapy, I came to realize that there are some relationships that you just have to maintain a safe distance in (emotionally and physically) in order to not destroy yourself or others that you love. This is more than likely part of your SO''s situation too. It''s just very, very sad.

/end ramble

I''m sorry for my scattered posts, I stink at multi tasking today for some reason!

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

I have a similar feeling about my BF''s family. His mother died when he was a kid and her family didn''t keep in touch with him and his sister at all. His dad is an alcoholic, racist, homophobe and is very unpleasant to be around. I am to the point where I can''t stand his father and am trying to think of ways to not invite him to our future wedding. Not only does his family not tell me happy birthday, they usually even forget my BF''s birthday. And of course I was not told "congrats" by any member of his family for my recent college graduation.

Some families are just different. And some people have very different relationships with their families. I know it''s frustrating, your fiance''s mom does sound like a nutcase, and I''m sorry you are not being welcomed. I guess I don''t have any advice or anything, just thought I''d share. Best of luck.