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Did I do the right thing ... or am I overprotective?

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vespergirl

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Here''s the story - I teach piano lessons to one of my friend''s kids - she also has a toddler, the same age as my son, and usually while I teach the older child the 30 minute lesson, she watches the two little ones while they play. I schedule the lessons during my son''s nap time, though, so if they can''t come over and play during the lesson, he naps (DS is a great sleeper).

This week, the older child ran up to the door before my friend & her toddler, and the child announced, "the baby has a stomach virus" just as my friend was bringing him up the walk. I stopped her at the door and asked her if it was true. She said, "maybe ... he''s had a lot of diarrhea ..." So I asked her if they would mind not coming in to play today. There is a playground, a pet store & a kid''s cafe one block from my house, so there were other places she could bring him to kill a half hour, but I DID NOT want him in my house, playing with my son. So, my son stayed napping for the lesson, and didn''t come down to play.

When she came to pick up the older child, we were both very apologetic to each other, and I don''t think there are hard feelings, but it''s bothering me.

I alternate between feeling bad about it and being annoyed at her, for several reasons. First, my friend KNOWS how I feel about playdates if one of the kids is sick. I always cancel if my kid is sick, and I have asked her to let me know if hers are so we can reschedule. It also really bothers me that she obviously wasn''t going to say anything but the older kid blurted it out - she was trying to hide it from me. She has a very lackadaisacal attitude when it comes to her kids'' healthcare - the baby is 2, but already, he has had hand, foot and mouth disease, the nola virus, head lice, stitches, and has had the flu and ear infections so many times that he is basically always on antibiotics. I hate to say it, she just doesn''t watch him that well, and isn''t vigilant about washing his hands, etc. It seems like every time we try to get together, the little one is sick with some exotic disease, but instead of giving me the option to cancel, she was just going to hide it so that she could get them together, because she is bored - I find that totally inconsiderate. Just because she doesn''t care if her kid gets sick, it doesn''t mean that I don''t want to be informed. It''s not like my kid lives in a bubble, but I''m not going to intentionally expose him to the stomach flu!

What would you guys have done? Would you have let your kid play with the kid with stomach flu?
 

neatfreak

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I think it was inconsiderate of her not to let you know ahead of time and let you make the choice...

But I also like to give people the benefit of the doubt and would hope that even if the older kid hadn''t tattled she would have told you...but based on her past history it sounds like she might not have.

I''m pretty laid back when it comes to germs, but I wouldn''t intentionally let my kids play with another kid who was *just* coming down with something.
 

soocool

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I don''t think you are overprotective at all, just a loving and considerate mother. Just because her child has a stomach virus and is doing ok doesn''t mean that your child will react the same. In fact your child may react differently, not to mention that you and your DH may also come down with it. Not pleasant at all.

I remember a few years back my daughter''s friend had chickenpox and showed up at my front door for a playdate. I told her mother, sorry but we can''t have a playdate and she was mad. I told her that while my daughter had the chickenpox vaccine, I myself, never had chicken pox. All she said to me was, "Well then why don''t you get vaccinated?" At this time I was seething and told her that if she knew anything, then she would know that vaccine doesn''t really work on adults (I checked with my doctor beforehand when the vaccine came out to see if I could get it).

Sometimes people are no only inconsiderate...they are also ignorant.
 

Tacori E-ring

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Date: 3/15/2009 4:30:26 PM
Author: neatfreak

I''m pretty laid back when it comes to germs, but I wouldn''t intentionally let my kids play with another kid who was *just* coming down with something.

ditto.
 

Kaleigh

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Date: 3/15/2009 4:30:26 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think it was inconsiderate of her not to let you know ahead of time and let you make the choice...

But I also like to give people the benefit of the doubt and would hope that even if the older kid hadn''t tattled she would have told you...but based on her past history it sounds like she might not have.

I''m pretty laid back when it comes to germs, but I wouldn''t intentionally let my kids play with another kid who was *just* coming down with something.
Ditto.

NF you are always spot on woman. Hope your boys are doing well.
 

MichelleCarmen

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What exactly IS hand, foot and mouth disease? I didn''t realize people actually caught such a thing. . .I thought it was one of those weird freak-of-nature things you read about in the paper. Her child really had that? How?

Your friend should have called you. It was rude. Diarrhea? Who would take their kid ANYWHERE with that going on?
 

swingirl

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You shouldn''t have the arrangement of your friend babysitting or even being there with her toddler during the lesson. Let her know that your son will be napping during the lesson time and it makes more sense for her to drop off the older child and come back in 30 minutes.

Passing those viruses around isn''t polite and it sounds like they have lazy hygiene habits. I am guessing they aren''t doing a lot of hand washing. Head lice (although not a hygiene issue) are a pain to get rid of!
 

Sharon101

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Hi, I personally think that you did the right thing by not inviting the sick kid into your house to play.

Ive got 3 kids and 2 of them sound like your friends kids where they were chronically sick (seemed like forever) with something growing up.

What I would like to add is that germs come and go in funny ways. To my mind the sibling that you gave the lesson to could just have likely been carrying the stomach viras as the obviously sick one. So I would have worried about that somewhat because these things travel!!!
 

vespergirl

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Date: 3/15/2009 6:03:23 PM
Author: MC
What exactly IS hand, foot and mouth disease? I didn''t realize people actually caught such a thing. . .I thought it was one of those weird freak-of-nature things you read about in the paper. Her child really had that? How?

Your friend should have called you. It was rude. Diarrhea? Who would take their kid ANYWHERE with that going on?

Here''s the info from the CDC website on hand, foot & mouth disease - when she first told me her kid had it, I thought it was the one animals get too, but it''s different:

Hand, foot, and mouth disease (HFMD) is a common viral illness of infants and children. The disease causes fever and blister-like eruptions in the mouth and/or a skin rash. HFMD is often confused with foot-and-mouth (also called hoof-and-mouth) disease, a disease of cattle, sheep, and swine; however, the two diseases are not related—they are caused by different viruses. Humans do not get the animal disease, and animals do not get the human disease.
The problem is, I know that she thinks I''m weird about not wanting sick kids around my kid, but maybe her kid wouldn''t CONSTANTLY be sick if she took any precautions ... and I do know that she was not planning on telling me that he was sick, because she has tried to hide illnesses before. One other time I called her on it, and she said, "Oh, I just can''t stand being trapped in the house all day with him, I need to get out and about" but then it''s not fair that she''s exposing us to these illnesses, some of which are awful, and highly contagious.

We used to have regular playgroups that we disbanded, because she would frequently bring her son when he was sick, and some of the other moms would complain about it as well, so I didn''t think that I was being a total psycho ;-) It just seems so inconsiderate to me - even if you don''t care, if your friends do, you should at least respect their feelings ...
 

vespergirl

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Date: 3/15/2009 6:17:14 PM
Author: swingirl
You shouldn''t have the arrangement of your friend babysitting or even being there with her toddler during the lesson. Let her know that your son will be napping during the lesson time and it makes more sense for her to drop off the older child and come back in 30 minutes.

Passing those viruses around isn''t polite and it sounds like they have lazy hygiene habits. I am guessing they aren''t doing a lot of hand washing. Head lice (although not a hygiene issue) are a pain to get rid of!
I agree with this - in fact, I''ve tried many times to tell her that I don''t feel comfortable with the arangement, I would prefer to just have my son nap during the lesson, but she says that her son asks to play with mine, so about half the time I let them play together, but if it were me, I would prefer to just take my kid & go run some errands or something.
 

missjae

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188
Date: 3/15/2009 6:28:26 PM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 3/15/2009 6:03:23 PM
Author: MC
What exactly IS hand, foot and mouth disease? I didn''t realize people actually caught such a thing. . .I thought it was one of those weird freak-of-nature things you read about in the paper. Her child really had that? How?

Your friend should have called you. It was rude. Diarrhea? Who would take their kid ANYWHERE with that going on?


Here''s the info from the CDC website on hand, foot & mouth disease - when she first told me her kid had it, I thought it was the one animals get too, but it''s different:

Hand, foot, and mouth disease (HFMD) is a common viral illness of infants and children. The disease causes fever and blister-like eruptions in the mouth and/or a skin rash. HFMD is often confused with foot-and-mouth (also called hoof-and-mouth) disease, a disease of cattle, sheep, and swine; however, the two diseases are not related—they are caused by different viruses. Humans do not get the animal disease, and animals do not get the human disease.

The problem is, I know that she thinks I''m weird about not wanting sick kids around my kid, but maybe her kid wouldn''t CONSTANTLY be sick if she took any precautions ... and I do know that she was not planning on telling me that he was sick, because she has tried to hide illnesses before. One other time I called her on it, and she said, ''Oh, I just can''t stand being trapped in the house all day with him, I need to get out and about'' but then it''s not fair that she''s exposing us to these illnesses, some of which are awful, and highly contagious.

We used to have regular playgroups that we disbanded, because she would frequently bring her son when he was sick, and some of the other moms would complain about it as well, so I didn''t think that I was being a total psycho ;-) It just seems so inconsiderate to me - even if you don''t care, if your friends do, you should at least respect their feelings ...
Vesper, you DEFINATELY did the RIGHT thing!!! Don''t feel bad for a second. You''re family and you is your number one priority and your job as a mother is to protect your baby from the things he cannot yet protect himself from and a tummy bug is quite dangerous for little guys because dehydration can occur quite quickly not to mention every other aspect of an illness is not something any mother ever wants to deal with.

You were polite about re-routing the plans to avoid your baby getting sick and I think you handled it very well. I am a germ freak so in addition I would have rescheduled the piano lesson as well, although being a germaphobe, I wouldn''t be brave enough to have someone from a family with poor hygiene habits in my home in the first place....and I would Lysol EVERYTHING lol...but that''s just me being abnormal (yes, I''m that bad!! eek).
 

swingirl

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Date: 3/15/2009 6:45:48 PM
Author: vespergirl
Date: 3/15/2009 6:17:14 PM

Author: swingirl

You shouldn't have the arrangement of your friend babysitting or even being there with her toddler during the lesson. Let her know that your son will be napping during the lesson time and it makes more sense for her to drop off the older child and come back in 30 minutes.


Passing those viruses around isn't polite and it sounds like they have lazy hygiene habits. I am guessing they aren't doing a lot of hand washing. Head lice (although not a hygiene issue) are a pain to get rid of!

I agree with this - in fact, I've tried many times to tell her that I don't feel comfortable with the arrangement, I would prefer to just have my son nap during the lesson, but she says that her son asks to play with mine, so about half the time I let them play together, but if it were me, I would prefer to just take my kid & go run some errands or something.
Stick to your guns. Tell her your child is asleep and it's too distracting to have anyone over while you give the lesson.

Oh, and another good thing is to have the girl wash her hands before the piano lesson. When my kids took piano lessons it was routine to wash their hands before and after. The piano teacher insisted because she gave lessons all day and SHE didn't want to get sick.
 

fisherofmengirly

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Apr 14, 2006
Messages
3,929
It seems as if you reacted like a mother, which is nothing to apologize for. You were polite but didn''t want to put your child in the potential harm of sickness. That''s to be commended!
 

canuk-gal

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Premium
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Apr 19, 2004
Messages
21,558
HI:

Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Just say no thanks to diarrhea, open wounds, productive coughs and any other transmittable thing out there--unwell children should be at home with their blankies. Or that is how I ran my ship.....

cheers--Sharon
 

chrono

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Apr 22, 2004
Messages
37,659
Also, be aware that ADULTs can be infected with the hand-foot-mouth virus. Both my boys passed it to me on 2 different occasions and my niece passed it to her father. It appears that adults seem to be more affected by it too. The fever lasted longer and the blisters were everywhere.

Vesper, you did the right thing. Who on earth would intentionally exposure their loved ones to viruses?
 

DivaDiamond007

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Messages
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Date: 3/15/2009 5:34:04 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 3/15/2009 4:30:26 PM
Author: neatfreak

I''m pretty laid back when it comes to germs, but I wouldn''t intentionally let my kids play with another kid who was *just* coming down with something.

ditto.
Thritto.

Vesper - I think that you did the right thing and I''d feel the same way if another mom tried to bring her sick kid(s) to my house. A little sniffle is one thing but bad poops, etc. is another ball game for me.
 

vespergirl

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Date: 3/15/2009 7:02:35 PM
Author: missjae

Date: 3/15/2009 6:28:26 PM
Author: vespergirl


Date: 3/15/2009 6:03:23 PM
Author: MC
What exactly IS hand, foot and mouth disease? I didn''t realize people actually caught such a thing. . .I thought it was one of those weird freak-of-nature things you read about in the paper. Her child really had that? How?

Your friend should have called you. It was rude. Diarrhea? Who would take their kid ANYWHERE with that going on?



Here''s the info from the CDC website on hand, foot & mouth disease - when she first told me her kid had it, I thought it was the one animals get too, but it''s different:

Hand, foot, and mouth disease (HFMD) is a common viral illness of infants and children. The disease causes fever and blister-like eruptions in the mouth and/or a skin rash. HFMD is often confused with foot-and-mouth (also called hoof-and-mouth) disease, a disease of cattle, sheep, and swine; however, the two diseases are not related—they are caused by different viruses. Humans do not get the animal disease, and animals do not get the human disease.


The problem is, I know that she thinks I''m weird about not wanting sick kids around my kid, but maybe her kid wouldn''t CONSTANTLY be sick if she took any precautions ... and I do know that she was not planning on telling me that he was sick, because she has tried to hide illnesses before. One other time I called her on it, and she said, ''Oh, I just can''t stand being trapped in the house all day with him, I need to get out and about'' but then it''s not fair that she''s exposing us to these illnesses, some of which are awful, and highly contagious.

We used to have regular playgroups that we disbanded, because she would frequently bring her son when he was sick, and some of the other moms would complain about it as well, so I didn''t think that I was being a total psycho ;-) It just seems so inconsiderate to me - even if you don''t care, if your friends do, you should at least respect their feelings ...
Vesper, you DEFINATELY did the RIGHT thing!!! Don''t feel bad for a second. You''re family and you is your number one priority and your job as a mother is to protect your baby from the things he cannot yet protect himself from and a tummy bug is quite dangerous for little guys because dehydration can occur quite quickly not to mention every other aspect of an illness is not something any mother ever wants to deal with.

You were polite about re-routing the plans to avoid your baby getting sick and I think you handled it very well. I am a germ freak so in addition I would have rescheduled the piano lesson as well, although being a germaphobe, I wouldn''t be brave enough to have someone from a family with poor hygiene habits in my home in the first place....and I would Lysol EVERYTHING lol...but that''s just me being abnormal (yes, I''m that bad!! eek).
LOL!!! I do that EVERY time they come over!!! From the doorknobs, to the piano (and I do make the girl wash her hands before the lesson), to any surface I think that they may have come into contact with. I also practically bathe myself & my child right after they leave. It know it sounds weird, but we are hardly ever sick, because I am so anal about the germs.
 

LaraOnline

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Joined
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Messages
3,365
Gastro sucks. I took my children to a birthday party a month or so ago where the elder boy (aged about 13yo) of one of the other guests was vomiting and running for the toilet every few minutes! Lying on the living room couch!!
He looked ghastly.

His mother should have taken him home immediately, had him cared by someone else... or possibly, not come along at all.

Needless to say, we all caught this horrible bug, my little girl (aged 4) was extremely ill day and night for about two weeks, my little boy (aged 2), and mu husband and myself were all ill at the same time, and we had to cancel a long-anticipated holiday.

Not happy, Jan!!
 

luvmyhalo

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Joined
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1,170
You definitely did the right thing! I probably would have went one step further and just canceled the lesson altogether. The older child and the mom are probably also carrying the same germs and could infect you or your son as well.
 

TravelingGal

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Date: 3/15/2009 10:24:06 PM
Author: LaraOnline
Gastro sucks. I took my children to a birthday party a month or so ago where the elder boy (aged about 13yo) of one of the other guests was vomiting and running for the toilet every few minutes! Lying on the living room couch!!
He looked ghastly.

His mother should have taken him home immediately, had him cared by someone else... or possibly, not come along at all.

Needless to say, we all caught this horrible bug, my little girl (aged 4) was extremely ill day and night for about two weeks, my little boy (aged 2), and mu husband and myself were all ill at the same time, and we had to cancel a long-anticipated holiday.

Not happy, Jan!!
LOL, the reason behind that little catchphrase isn''t known over here Lara!

Vesper, it''s a no brainer. You did the right thing. I would always call someone myself if my kid was sick to cancel. Just common courtesy (which obviously isn''t that common).

I''m not a germophobe...I think it''s good for babies to catch a cold here and there. Builds that immune system. But not everyone thinks like that and it''s always better to be considerate and not expose others to my kid''s germs!
 

pennquaker09

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For me, it was over once you said head lice. I don''t think you were wrong at all.
 

MichelleCarmen

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Date: 3/15/2009 6:28:26 PM
Author: vespergirl



Here''s the info from the CDC website on hand, foot & mouth disease - when she first told me her kid had it, I thought it was the one animals get too, but it''s different:

Hand, foot, and mouth disease (HFMD) is a common viral illness of infants and children. The disease causes fever and blister-like eruptions in the mouth and/or a skin rash. HFMD is often confused with foot-and-mouth (also called hoof-and-
Yeah, I was getting the hand, foot, mouth confused with foot (hoof) -and-mouth. I thought she may have let her child run loose in a petting zoo
lol Anyhow, blisters and all that in the mouth? Bleh. Seriously, with all the things that kid has contracted I wouldn''t let that family into my house at all! Can you buy the a bottle of chewable vitamins for the kid? Sounds like he''s seriously needing of a nutritional boost!
 

basil

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Well, you wouldn''t go out to dinner and share a meal or fork or glass with your friend who was sick. I won''t even do that with my husband if he''s been sick! So why would you do that with your kid...??

I''m generally not that much of a germaphobe and I think kids shouldn''t be kept in a bubble, but there''s a difference between that and knowingly exposing them to something highly contagious.
 

Italiahaircolor

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Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
I think that your reaction being over-the-top would totally depend on the illness in dispute...

For the stomache flu? No, you''re dead on. You shouldn''t welcome that into the house and put not only your kid..but you, and your DH...at risk. But, had it been a case of the sniffles, then maybe. But, you know how to parent your baby the best...and you have to simply go on gut when it comes to these things.
 

Porridge

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Screw that, you totally did the right thing! With her track record and dishonesty I wouldn''t feel a bit bad about it.
 

swimmer

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2,516
Kids still die of the flu and stomach viruses.
Not to put them in a little bubble or anything, and it is interesting that the more one is exposed to pathogens as a child, the better off the immune system is as an adult, but that is only to some extent!

I can''t stand it when families who can keep a child at home when they are ill still send them to school. I had bouts of vomiting and etc all last night, couchbound all day today, and I know exactly what student was feeling poorly in Hebrew school. It is hard to not take it personally when other people flagrantly disregard your health/health of your child. This is very different from letting your own child eat mud, that sort of thing is your own choice and impacts non but your own family.
 

AmberGretchen

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7,770
I feel like it would actually bother me even more that she KNOWS how you feel but seems to have had no intention of letting you know about the situation - honestly, that would bother me even more than the actual situation, because it seems both disrespectful and dishonest...
 
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