Wedding Did anyone forego the wedding and just get married?

[disneybride]

DF and I have been engaged for over a year and still have not even set a date, though we have talked about October of 2009 since our engagement. It took me a long time to find any kind of nursing position after I graduated and I still do not have a full-time job, though I''m getting closer. There are so many things that we want and want to do, and a wedding will set us back a couple of years since we have to pay for it ourselves. Also, my father is terminally ill and I''m hesitant to make any plans because things are so up in the air with him. I keep going back and forth on how important a wedding really is to me. Every girl dreams of her big day but now with my dad dying it''s not going to be anywhere near the same. I won''t have him there to walk me down the aisle, he won''t be there to dance for our father-daughter song, and I''m sure it''ll be hard for my mom to get through the wedding without him. Everything is just so upside down. My fiance says he could care less about having an actual wedding, he just wants to be married. We''ve even talked about just having a private ceremony with him and I on our next trip to Disneyworld. I just feel like my heart is not into planning a wedding less than a year away, and we can''t do it in 2010 because his sister is getting married then. My only fear is that down the line I''ll regret not doing a big semi-traditional wedding. Has anyone been in this position and what did you do? Any regrets? Thanks so much in advance.

 

[katamari]

Hi disneybride! (hugs) I am very sorry to hear about your father. I think it is perfectly expected that you are feeling less than excited about wedding planning given your family situation right now. I also think it would be difficult to deal with wedding vendors with all you are going through right now. I was a friend''s MOH recently and all her vendors were always sticky sweet and gushing about how wonderful every thing is. This is certainly personal, but I would have a lot of trouble with people asking questions about how my parent''s feel or how wonderful my life was when I was dealing with something difficult.

FI and I are planning on eloping-ish, and this decision was partially influenced by somewhat related reasons. (I say eloping-ish because we are taking our immediate families: my mom, his mom, dad, and brother). My father passed away when I was in high school and my mom never remarried. Like you, I think it would be very hard for both of us (and my dad''s side of my family) to get through the traditionally father-daughter moments and I think it would put a somber tone on the whole affair. Eloping also falls in line with our other beliefs (which you can read more about here, if you are interested), and it was a good way to avoid this.

Is there any way you could elope and have a party to celebrate it for your family? We are doing this pretty low-key "reception" party, but it is going to be rather inexpensive compared to a more ceremonious, "traditional" wedding. It hasn''t happened yet, I don''t fear having any regrets.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Hey DisneyBride,

At times, I totally wish we''d just hauled off and got married when we wanted to, instead of doing the whole dealy of a wedding. I don''t regret the route we went, but I really think doing it just the two of you is a much more intimate thing. Weddings can become so flashy and I''m not a completely social, show my emotions to everyone kind of person. Anyway, I think however two people who are mad, crazy in love make the vows is special.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Disney, while I cannot understand your worries...you certainly have my sympathy.

I am sure with your father being sick, a wedding and planning are so low on the totem pole of importance...but, BWW is a great place to come to voice fears, and get help planning...

Have you considered possibly planning a small, family only affair? This could be put together quickly, and could be absolutely amazing...plus, you could have your Dad there. Hire a photographer, a videographer, a personal chef to make a small but intimate meal, and make it an event to remember because all the people who love you in the world will be there with you.

Weddings don''t need to be big, lavish and expensive affairs to be special, or timeless. My own wedding was made by the fact that I was able to share it with everyone my DH hold close to us. So, prehaps (if it works for you) hosting a wedding that will make memories will truly be the wedding of your dreams.

And a fun little touch, you could get a large signature plate--and let people sign that...so I could eventually serve with their love...

 

[bootsiekin]

I love Italiahaircolor''s idea. You could certainly put that together fairly quickly. One of my college friends put together her wedding in about 3 months - It was just close family at a church ceremony and then rented out a restaurant for a private dinner afterwards. I think that seems like a great compromise - it would be small and intimate and not require the same level of planning as a large, traditional wedding, and your Dad could be there. I wish my dad could have been at my wedding, but everyone thought it was really special that my mom walked me down the aisle and we even had a mother-daughter dance. My sympathies for what you are going through with your dad, I definitely know what that is like.

 

[MrsG]

Hi DisneyBride. I am so sorry to hear about your father. My situation was entirely different, but I thought I''d share my thoughts. My now husband and I were in the beginning stages of planning an October 09 wedding when he got a 2 year international job assignment. We decided (after a lot of going back and forth because both of us reeeaally wanted a big wedding) that it didn''t make sense to plan from half way around the word. And we just wanted wanted to be married. So we scratched the big wedding idea. My DH once mentioned that he really wanted to get married in Vermont, where he spent every summer when he was a kid. Since I still wanted our wedding to be special, I searched for a Bed and Breakfast in that area. I found one that had an elopement package, which I later expanded to accommodate our relatives. Our immediate family members were able to come (my dad, mother-in-law, brother-in-law w/girlfriend, and our kids). We initially didn''t plan on having any guests there, but we also didn''t want to keep it from our parents and once we told them, they said that they would be there if we wanted. I narrowed down the wedding elements that I absolutely wanted to have, such as having a beautiful outdoor location, flowers, a great photographer, delicious meal afterwords. Everything turned out great and our day was truly about us.

Do I regret no having a big wedding? NO. I wouldn''t change a thing. There are days that I browse the BWW threads and see beautiful wedding pictures and girls trying on gorgeous designer dresses and I start thinking about what I could have done different, or what kind of wedding we would have had if we waited. But those go away really quickly, especially when I look at my wedding photos.

My only regret is my mom and sister not being there. I planned the whole thing in 3 weeks and they weren''t able to get visas in time

 

[kittybean]

I''m sorry to hear about your dad! His illness must be so difficult for your family.

Just wanted to share a story: I have a friend whose mother was terminally ill when she got engaged. She decided on a small, immediate-family-only wedding in her brother''s backyard. They hired a photographer and had a luncheon catered for the family, and a friend officiated. Her mom was able to attend as she planned it in less than a month. It was perfect for my friend and her now-husband, and it was very special that her mom was able to share in their happiness, and she passed peacefully about a month later. That summer (about four months after the wedding), another friend held a very informal cocktail hour for the newlyweds where all of us friends were able to attend, give the couple gifts, and congratulate them. The whole process was no-fuss, no-frills, and my friend was very happy with how it all turned out.

 

[Shoopy]

FI and I were struggling with what to do in terms of a wedding. We just weren''t into having a large wedding and no matter what we did, it seemed to be going in that direction (and the costs as well). Now that we are having a baby, we''ve completely scrapped the big wedding idea and are doing something very small and low-key.

If you really want a big wedding, then I would just wait until the time is right. If you really feel that a big wedding is not for you, then I would have a small ceremony with just close family/friends and have a dinner following. Or you can elope. But this is your day and your wedding so don''t feel bad in stepping out of the tradition and doing something that feels right for you.

 

[Babyblue033]

I''m so sorry that you''re going through this. My situation isn''t as bad as yours but I do know what you mean about not being excited about having a big wedding. We have many family issues and even the thought of a formal wedding would push me towards the edge of sanity. That plus the financial burden of it (we''ll be paying for our own as well) was enough to dampen any fantasy I might have had as a little girl about the perfect wedding.

We thought about a long engagement (like, years) but then decided that we really wanted to marry each other, I just couldn''t deal with the family drama that''ll come with it. I surprised FI, and even myself, by coming to a realization that a big wedding wasn''t as important as I would''ve thought and I suggested eloping. So in less than 3 weeks we''re eloping, just the two of us, and I couldn''t be more excited

I don''t think there''ll be any regrets, I don''t feel like I''m sacrificing or losing out on anything. We''re going all out for us and I''m getting everything I want, we booked a small romantic place, I''ll have a dress, flowers, photographer to record our special day, all without the stress of dealing with external issues that has little to do with OUR union.

Just think about what will make YOU happy right now, not what everyone else is doing, or even what you always thought you wanted. I think a small family gathering would be lovely for you as well, as long as it''s what you want.

 

[Rhea]

It''s not something that we considered and in this relationship it isn''t something that I would have done for personal reasons. We had a small wedding (actually two, one in each of our countries) and it really worked for us. One wedding was at a registry office with about 20 people and then to a resturant afterwards. Something that like is kind of the best of both worlds and doesn''t take much planning. I think we planned in about 2 months and it only took that long because of an international move and getting visas sorted.

I''m sorry to hear about your father and your job situatation.

 

[westjenn]

My husband and I went to our local courthouse and got married on a Friday morning. We had lunch at our favorite restaurant afterwards with maybe 10 of our closest family members.
It was the most stress free day, free of drama. I honestly thought we'd only have to say "I Do" during the ceremony, but the judge had us hold hands and face each other and repeat our vows to each other. It was in the judges chambers with only our closest family members present.

My husband's grandpa gave us the biggest compliment when he said "This is how people should get married! It's how people got married back in our day." I thought that was sweet.

I wouldn't have changed a thing. It'll be 13 years this year

 

[MishB]

disney, weddings come in all shapes and sizes for a reason, there is no right way to get married. At the end of it all you are left with is memories and a photo album, the real focus should be your marriage, and beginning it in a way that is special and meaningful for you two. We eloped (with a few family members present), it was wonderful and special and I wouldn''t change it for the world, even 6 years later. My dad was seriously ill when I got married, and even though he couldn''t be there, at least he got to hear all about the wedding and have his ''dad album'' before he passed away.

You''re a nurse and having trouble finding work?? You should come to Australia, I work in health care and there is a serious shortage of trained nurses here.

 

[lauralu]

We have been thinking this same thing lately. For different reasons though. I am torn between sharing it with family and friends. Or just taking our daughters (my 2 and our 1 together) and going to the courthouse.

We have a venue, our date, our plans. We have waited a long time for all this. Being patient and waiting for when we could afford alittle something.......Now though.....
Our reasons are due to the economy. We have struggled so hard these last few years. JOb lays offs, illness. Now we are in a good place with both of us having good jobs.My oldest is healtier than she has been in 4 years.
However, with everything going on around us in the U.S. I am getting afraid to go out and spend money on something we could just do so inexpensively and still be very happy.

As the end result is what matters most.

I guess in your situation. Getting married while your father is here and can share in this moment is whats most important. Is he well enough to attend a civil service? That would be a nice memory.

My FI just wants to be married as well. he likes what we are planning, but would forgo it in a heart beat if I said. "lets go do it"

God Luck to you, I am sorry your father is so ill. I hope you find peace in your decision.

 

[a.Lei]

I''m sorry as well to hear about what you''re going through. It must be very difficult to decide what to do. I do agree with everyone that your wedding doesn''t have to be a big lavish event. I know as a girl, your wedding is a day you thought of for a very long time and want to go all out. I was that girl too and now I feel I am closer and closer to just getting married with only very close family present and having a little reception afterward with friends and family. Things don''t plan out perfectly in life. My bf and I had a baby last year and are getting married next year and we just would rather save the thousands of dollars it would cost to have a fancy wedding and put it towards something more constructive like a house. That doesn''t mean we won''t have a day we will always remember. It will be more special this way and in the end I don''t think you will have regrets later. I think you should have a small and meaningful wedding with your dad there and just have the best time you can!! Good luck with everything.

 

[Bia]

I, too, am so sorry to hear about your father

I can imagine how difficult it must be for you living with such uncertainty. Particularly when this should be such a happy time in your life.

Because you asked, I would like to say that it seems like a real part of you wants to have a ceremony, but you just can't justify having a big costly wedding, especially if your father won't be able to be there (that's what I took away from your post, anyway). I agree with a lot of the women here that you might want to consider putting together something very small, but just a beautiful, so that you and FI, and the most important people in you life, can celebrate together. Pulling together a beautiful and intimate wedding can be done rather quickly and affordably, you just have to do a little planning.

I'm not a BIW but I'm sure our fellow PSers would have a lot of advice (and very helpful tips) to offer you. My best advice would be to think about it before you make any decisions.

My thoughts are with you and your family...especially your dad. Good luck sweetie.