DH ignoring his health - dont know what to do

[D2B]

I really need some advice on how to deal with this, I am starting to get really down, sad and angry at the same time.

My husband has just been ignoring his health and it is driving me crazy, and I end up reminding, pushing and nagging him and I dont like the role, but we have a young family and he needs to look afterhimelf, and I resent that he just ignores things. Where does that leave us if things go wrong?

for example, his weight fluctuates, the last time he went to the doctor in JANUARY, he got told to do a full blood works and monitor his blood pressure, DH said he will go once he looses the extra weight, as he will be OK then, well it is now Ocotber and he still hasnt gone to get the blood tests done, did try once but didnt happen, but hasnt been back since - it is always me who tries to get him there,

He drinks more than is healthy, regularly, but I cant say anything, becuase it is for him to figure out and he has to be the one to slow down (his words).

He has a serious condition if it is not manged will lead to a permament disability, he is going to the specialist and is on medication, after I and my mum pushed and pushed for him to go. Now he doesnt want to go back to his regular 3 month check ups as in his words what can the doctor do anyway, the medication is keeping things stable. But the condition can be terrible serious, no job , Major life changes if it goes out of control and where to spread. The aim is to go to the doctor and make sure it is stable and under control and nothing has changed. Today I reminded him he missed an appointment, didnt want to go, had to push him, he said OK, but am not holding my breath. I dont want to remind, nag him, but what else can I do. He has a family, he is being selfish by not looking afterhimself. If he was single - his choice, but his health affects all of us.

I am down, I am sad, I am angry, he doesnt seem to care about himself enough to look afterhimself, or care about his family enough to make sure he is well. I know if I was in his shoes he would tell me to go to the doctor, and same for our child.

I dont get it, what do I do, How do I deal with this. I am in tears this morning, because I am being placed in teh role of the nagging wife, the grump, but I have his and our best interest at heart and I am scared for his long term health. He just brushes it off as if I am overreacting.

I have had enough, but dont know what to do. I want him to care for himeself and us.



thanks

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You probably know what I am going to say...you need to accept this situation. Acceptance does not mean you have to LIKE his behavior, but it is his life. You have to accept that you cannot control him or his decisions. He knows your feelings regarding his health. Trying to manage, mother, and manipulate him into seeing a doctor or to drink less will only damage your relationship. I know you are frustrated and upset. It is difficult to watch someone you love make unhealthy decisions but you cannot fight for his life more than he is fighting for his own.

 

[ksinger]

I have a friend in the exact situation, only worse, since her husband did all that yours has (minus the obvious weight issues) and is now working on not taking care of a transplanted heart. It drives her crazy and makes her sad and resentful, but she is committed to this man. There IS nothing you can do - a person's life is their own trip, and you can't make them take it any way other than they decide they will take it.

I hope you come to a place of peace with this situation, because it truly is one of the tougher ones.

 

[phoenixgirl]

((Hugs))

I agree that ultimately you may come to a point where you either let his health issues go or you consider splitting up, but I don't think that means that you just accept that he's not going to do anything about his health issues. As you said, they do affect you and your children, and as such you have a right to input and concern. I honestly don't know if I could remain with a man who was self-destructive and unwilling to listen to reason when our family's well-being was at stake. Not to sound all high and mighty -- DH smoked when we were first married, and I loved him and was willing to accept the smoking rather than lose the man -- but I think that being unwilling to accept second best for your children is a mother's job, and perhaps realizing that he really might lose his family could snap him back into reality.

My DH and I are opposite when it comes to dealing with issues. He would much prefer to ignore them until forced to face them. Throughout our marriage we have hit obstacles where there was something he needed to fix, and I have learned to be encouraging but firm. Making him feel bad about himself doesn't help ("Why haven't you done this yet???") but just saying, "Hey, we need to do X; can I help you with that?" usually works. And then when he does it, I tell him I'm proud of him.

It sounds like your husband is coming from a place of fear, which is totally understandable. It's easier to ignore than to face that there could be bigger problems or that even if he starts working harder on his fitness, he'll still fall short. And then to feel that you're letting your family down by not being healthier . . . I think that if you can be gracious and understanding -- he's not coming from a place of malice or irresponsibility so much as fear and guilt -- it will help him feel comfortable to take the risk of facing things.

I know it feels like he doesn't care about you; he does. He's just scared of letting you down, of not being able to get healthy, etc.

I don't know if I can actually take credit for it, but my husband quit smoking when I got in shape. He always attributes it to seeing me get in shape and not wanting to be left behind. It may be that you can motivate your husband by setting a good example. You know men worry that other men will be after their hot wife! Going for a walk as a family in the evenings could be a good place to start.

 

[partgypsy]

This is what I would do. Does he have parents, siblings, other friends or family near whose opinion matters to him? I would stage an intervention, where I would somehow informally meet, maybe for dinner, and they all bring up how they love him and support him but they want him to be around for as long as possible. Sometimes interventions DO work. A long time ago before he was my BIL, my BIL had a drug problem, minimized it, until his sister at one point said something how she didn't want to have to go to his funeral. It shocked him and he changed. Your husband has probably heard what you have to say so many times he doesn't hear it anymore.

Good luck I wish you well.

 

[VRBeauty]

D2 - I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have anyone you can talk to about your concerns -- not to give you advice necessarily, but just to listen? You're carrying a huge burden by yourself there.

You might consider going to an AlAnon meeting - that's the group for families of alcoholics. You've said your husband drinks too much - that's all it takes for you to "qualify". No one will ask you to prove that he's an alcoholic, no one will expect alcoholic war stories. The focus in those meetings is on you and how you can best deal with that type of behavior. It's on getting to a place where you can take care of yourself and your children, and even enjoy life again, no matter what your husband does.

I wish you and your family all the best!

 

[D2B]

thanks so much. I really am not one to post for advice I am very private, so it was a huge step and I appreciate the advice given on PS, the community is wonderful and the advice thoughful.

Hmm, no his family wont help in this matter. The issues are so little but yet so big. I love him so much and it hurts to see him like this.

I am finding real comfort in reading your replies, so thank you. I will ponder how to approach this or what to do.
D2B

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am putting myself in your shoes and trying to think what I would do.

First, I would sit my husband down and in no uncertain terms let him know how important this was to me. In my view, looking after one's health and living a drug and alcohol free life (at least free of abuse) is a very important value that I have. It is important for me to live that way and *very* important to model that life for my kids. I want my partner and I to share that lifestyle and so if my husband was drinking too much or was not caring for his health, then it would be a big deal to me. I would tell me partner this, express all of my hurt and explain why I care, and then honestly, I would expect him to be responsive to my feelings and desires.

But our relationship has been built on the understanding that we need to be responsive to one another's needs and desires. I cannot see a scenerio where my husband would not at least try to be responsive to my needs because he knows that I expect that type of respect and treatment in our relationship. I endeavour to treat him the same way. If that pattern had not been set from day one, then I am not sure how things would go if I tried to tell him how I felt. He very well might respond how your husband is responding by asserting his own free will and/or living in denial. There have been times when that has happened in our relationship about some issues. And in that case, if you want to be happy you have a choice to make -- be with your husband and accept that he has the right to make choices about his health and his body, or leave. You cannot nag, demand, and bicker someone into submission. Accepting someone's flaws and shortcomings is part of being married, at least if you want to be happy Maybe this is his shortcoming, preferring to ignore his health issues, and you need to just accept that if you want to be his happy wife. Or maybe that is a dealbreaker. Only you can decide.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I don't know if I can actually take credit for it, but my husband quit smoking when I got in shape. He always attributes it to seeing me get in shape and not wanting to be left behind. It may be that you can motivate your husband by setting a good example. You know men worry that other men will be after their hot wife! Going for a walk as a family in the evenings could be a good place to start.

This works well in our house too. When I want DH to clean, I start cleaning right in front of him. When I wanted him to lose weight, I signed us both up for weight watchers and we did it together. When I wanted him to excercise, you guessed it, I had to get my butt in shape too. We also di all those things together because spending time with me is a big motivator for him -- you have to learn your partners valued rewards and offer those, it is a great motivational tool. If I want him to help me I just tell him I want to spend time with him and he is all over it

 

[sunseeker101]

+1 Phoenixgirl's post, the nail on the head.

D2B, it sounds to me like your DH is depressed. Aside from being depressed about any issues he/you both may have, he might well just feel stuck in an unhealthy rut and is probably as worried about the future as you are, and is probably beating himself up about it (although it might not look like it). Because of this likelihood I'd try to approach him not from the angle of 'what are you going to do to prevent disaster, and why haven't you done anything?' (even though this may seem like the only valid angle, (and let's face it, it's a vitally important one)), but from a 'whatever it is that stops you doing the right thing for yourself, I'm here to beat it with you' type of angle. A little kinship will go a lot further than a logical write-up of what's at stake. A man in an emotional mess is bound to be stubborn and self-defeating -- behavior that can be inscrutable and infuriating to even the most open-minded wife.

Anyway, I'd put card 1 on the table: I'm here emotionally to get to the bottom of your feelings on your health (the serious condition is probably a major factor in his feelings) (BTW has he seen a health counselor at all? If not it might benefit him greatly.) and to work harmoniously with you every day to effect the changes that will make a difference to your physical well-being; and card 2: I'm doing this because I love and value you and want to see you in fine fettle and feeling right. I'm not sure that the family angle should be used when he's so low. In short, make it all about your husband, he knows the rest and probably very sorely so.

Okay, that's my 2 cents (and probably worth every penny ). The best of luck with this

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I truly feel your pain. DH and I were in the same boat. He's still young and really let himself go. He also wont go to a doctor because his dad, who is a doctor and pushes medication for everything, has left a really bad taste in his mouth. Then one day he joined a gym. I had become so tired of nagging him that I gave up. It finally made him feel like he was doing it for himself so that he could have a long life with me. I'm sure you DH is scared, worrid and doesn't want to fail and dissapoint both himself and you. I would make sure that he knows how important this is to you and to back off and aim to be a very positive person in his life.